*****8:00am edit: after seeing a few of the comments, for the sake of clarity i wanted to note that i’m NOT referring to “corny” and “cornball” in the goofy/silly/lighthearted context, but in the loser/lame/douchebag/a-hole/”you suck at life” context. carry on*****
native new yorkers
each of these people represent the torn 2-ply tissue on the hemorrhoid of the world’s ass. yet, in the champ’s mind, they’re each more reputable than the star of today’s entry, the cornball…the person who thinks and acts like their obnoxiously lecherous acts make them cooler than they really are.
with some help from our crack research team, we’ve managed to procure a copy of a very revealing corny manifesto, a document thats apparently passed out at their monthly meetings in harlem, and we’re publishing a portion of it today to school everyone to the true devious traits and nature of the corny muthaf*cker.
so, without further ado, here are the ten commandments of corny
1. thou shall repeatedly practice penetration deception
ah yes. nothing screams “i’m a f*cking cornball!!” louder than lying about who you have and haven’t slept with. guys, try your bestest to fabricate elaborate sexual stories about each of the chicks you’re hugged up with in a facebook pic. ladies, always remember that the tip doesnt count, and especially doesn’t count if he was lame, if you were tipsy, or if he played you.
2. thou shall incorporate each of these terms in your daily lexicon, and thee incorporation shall be unambiguously unironic: hate. “no homo”. pimp. gay. playa. fo shizzle.
3. thou shall have two different laughs: one for genuine feeling and one exaggerated laugh for when you think you’re the only one who “got” the joke
4. thou shall try thee hardest to use thy cell phone at the most inopportune times
make sure to have your phone attached to your ear while you’re waiting in line at starbucks, on the bus, in the club, or anywhere else where the noise level means you have absolutely no chance of hearing what the person on the other end is saying. in fact, make it so inopportune that the people surrounding you are simultaneously questioning your santiy and plotting to throat punch you. remember, its of dire importance that you recap the last five minutes of harlem heights to your girl while on the train at 8:13am.
5. thou shall partake in internet beef
6. thou shall willingly be “the other person”
if in doubt, just remember that jay-z said that its basically mandatory that grown ups have affairs
7. thou shall be a condescending vegan or atheist.
8. thou shall get fired from various occupations, repeatedly
when doing this, thou shall also try to find a different reason for termination each time.
9. thou shall practice and perform the piss-boy pirouette
whenever an attractive woman walks past, make sure to react as if you’re a type 1 diabetic and a giant insulin-filled syringe is switching down the street. leer. point. wag your tongue. spin in a complete circle. try to accidentally castrate yourself by blindly walking into a fire hydrant
10. thou shall unironically refer to thyself in the third person at all times
unless, of course, you’re the champ, who’s the exact opposite of what thy strives to be
hmmm. do you think they missed anything?
11. (from me fail english?)
thou shall affect white accents to give thee words more authority, while simultaneously incorporating overused hood maxims.
[In best Peter Jennings voice] “For all intensive purposes, it’s a cut and dry situation at the end of the day…”
12. (from k)
thou shall proclaim to like something ONLY b/c it’s not ‘mainstream’ or nobody else likes it.
this includes religion, types of music, food, clothes, clubs, the opposite sex etc.
*****end of 10:50 edit*****
****admin note: vsb-ers, my homegirl keia works for the WNBA, and is currently holding a sellathon to raise money to buy WNBA game tickets for inner-city elementary and middle school kids this summer. a simple 50 dollars will buy tickets for 10 kids. if you’re interested in helping some young brothers and sisters out, contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org for more info.****