the ten commandments of corny

Posted on 12 March, 2009 by The Champ

*****8:00am edit: after seeing a few of the comments, for the sake of clarity i wanted to note that i’m NOT referring to “corny” and “cornball” in the goofy/silly/lighthearted context, but in the loser/lame/douchebag/a-hole/”you suck at life” context. carry on*****

pedophiles

fascists

terrorists

7th graders

native new yorkers

each of these people represent the torn 2-ply tissue on the hemorrhoid of the world’s ass. yet, in the champ’s mind, they’re each more reputable than the star of today’s entry, the cornball…the person who thinks and acts like their obnoxiously lecherous acts make them cooler than they really are.

with some help from our crack research team, we’ve managed to procure a copy of a very revealing corny manifesto, a document thats apparently passed out at their monthly meetings in harlem, and we’re publishing a portion of it today to school everyone to the true devious traits and nature of the corny muthaf*cker.

so, without further ado, here are the ten commandments of corny

1. thou shall repeatedly practice penetration deception

ah yes. nothing screams “i’m a f*cking cornball!!” louder than lying about who you have and haven’t slept with. guys, try your bestest to fabricate elaborate sexual stories about each of the chicks you’re hugged up with in a facebook pic. ladies, always remember that the tip doesnt count, and especially doesn’t count if he was lame, if you were tipsy, or if he played you.

2. thou shall incorporate each of these terms in your daily lexicon, and thee incorporation shall be unambiguously unironic: hate. “no homo”. pimp. gay. playa. fo shizzle.

3. thou shall have two different laughs: one for genuine feeling and one exaggerated laugh for when you think you’re the only one who “got” the joke

4. thou shall try thee hardest to use thy cell phone at the most inopportune times

make sure to have your phone attached to your ear while you’re waiting in line at starbucks, on the bus, in the club, or anywhere else where the noise level means you have absolutely no chance of hearing what the person on the other end is saying. in fact, make it so inopportune that the people surrounding you are simultaneously questioning your santiy and plotting to throat punch you. remember, its of dire importance that you recap the last five minutes of harlem heights to your girl while on the train at 8:13am.

5. thou shall partake in internet beef

6. thou shall willingly be “the other person”

if in doubt, just remember that jay-z said that its basically mandatory that grown ups have affairs

7. thou shall be a condescending vegan or atheist.

8. thou shall get fired from various occupations, repeatedly

when doing this, thou shall also try to find a different reason for termination each time.

9. thou shall practice and perform the piss-boy pirouette

whenever an attractive woman walks past, make sure to react as if you’re a type 1 diabetic and a giant insulin-filled syringe is switching down the street. leer. point. wag your tongue. spin in a complete circle. try to accidentally castrate yourself by blindly walking into a fire hydrant

10. thou shall unironically refer to thyself in the third person at all times

unless, of course, you’re the champ, who’s the exact opposite of what thy strives to be

hmmm. do you think they missed anything?

*****edit 10:50am*****

11. (from me fail english?)

thou shall affect white accents to give thee words more authority, while simultaneously incorporating overused hood maxims.

[In best Peter Jennings voice] “For all intensive purposes, it’s a cut and dry situation at the end of the day…”

12. (from k)

thou shall proclaim to like something ONLY b/c it’s not ‘mainstream’ or nobody else likes it.

this includes religion, types of music, food, clothes, clubs, the opposite sex etc.

*****end of 10:50 edit*****

—the champ

****admin note: vsb-ers, my homegirl keia works for the WNBA, and is currently holding a sellathon to raise money to buy WNBA game tickets for inner-city elementary and middle school kids this summer. a simple 50 dollars will buy tickets for 10 kids. if you’re interested in helping some young brothers and sisters out, contact her at mcfaddy15@aol.com for more info.****

http://www.goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

Look who’s first? I had NO CLUE that this is what CORNBALL meant!
- http://graywords1000@yahoo.com Dorian G.
  
  @GOODENess,
  
  What being first? Or announcing that you’re first?
  - RedBeanzNRice
    
    @Dorian G.,
    
    I’m guessing it’s announcing, lol. But Goodeness gets a pass cause she’s a Macy Gray doppelganger. But she changed her profile pic. ; )
    - http://www.goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess
      
      @RedBeanzNRice,
      “Goodeness gets a pass cause she’s a Macy Gray doppelganger.”
      
      *head to the side, nose scrunched*
      
      ummm…I would say “thanks” but…ummm…is this supposed to be a compliment? cuz last time I checked MG looked (and sounded) like a retarded, mute, Donkey that has had too many cocktails!… I’m just saying…can we get some more people over here?
      
      (all “?” in THIS entry were used properly)
      - RedBeanzNRice
        
        @GOODENess,
        
        Yeah, it was a compliment. I like Macy Gray.
        
        http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk
        
        @RedBeanzNRice,
        
        Like Macy Gray in what kind of way? Physical attraction? I don’t see the resemblance at all. Learn me please.
      - http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ
        
        @GOODENess,
        
        retarded, mute, Donkey that has had too many cocktails!
        
        so this donkey can drink but he can’t talk?
        
        http://www.goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess
        
        @The Champ,
        
        NINJA! you don’t have to be able to talk to DRINK a DRINK…it’s a fuggin DONKEY he ain’t going to the d@mn club! GEESH! you think too much!
        
        http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ
        
        “NINJA! you don’t have to be able to talk to DRINK a DRINK…it’s a fuggin DONKEY he ain’t going to the d@mn club!”
        
        i’m just saying, if the donkey is drunk, he needs to be able to speak to order a drink in the donkey club
    - http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan
      
      @RedBeanzNRice,
      Whatchu mean???
  - http://www.goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess
    
    @Dorian G.,
    
    dang…a sister misuses ONE “?” and just can’t get a break…lol…I was excited to be first and sh!t and typed faster than my inn English knot-zee could read…won’t happen again boss!
http://graywords1000@yahoo.com Dorian G.

I have a question, what if a guy lies about NOT sleeping with a woman because of embarrassment of said woman. Does that make him a cornball, and of course what if a woman lies about sleeping with a guy because she’s trying to bring herself up, does that make her a cornball? Or do only traditional corny sex lies count?
- maria
  
  @Dorian G.,
  
  @ lies about NOT sleeping with a woman because of embarrassment of said woman
  
  L.O.S.E.R which = beyond cornball
- osyeP
  
  @Dorian G., i think in this case, he’s a cornball for sleeping with the chick that he has to like about sleeping with
  - Me fail english?
    
    @osyeP,
    
    Agreed. And a chick who lies about sleeping with a dude is pretty lame as well.
    
    Some lonely broad did that on Tyra this week.
- http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ
  
  @Dorian G.,
  
  Or do only traditional corny sex lies count?
  
  all penetration deception counts, standard and untraditional
- http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor miss patterson
  
  @Dorian G., Isn’t this just called being discreet?
Ms. Hall

“whenever an attractive woman walks past, make sure to react as if you’re a type 1 diabetic and a giant insulin-filled syringe is switching down the street. leer. point. wag your tongue. spin in a complete circle. try to accidentally castrate yourself by blindly walking into a fire hydrant”

LMAO. But my favorite (or most despised) is #7. I am passionate about this one. Any form of condescension will get you added to my “I can’t stand..” list of nouns. Cynical people I can deal with, even like. Condescending bastards…

Uh..ooh! I’ve employed “no homo” once. Only once. After observing the people using the term I realized I would soon be grouped with these cornballs if I didn’t change my ways.

@ Champ

Is there any way to regain lost cool points? Or are these offenses simply unforgivable?
- Ms. Hall
  
  @Ms. Hall,
  
  Okay VSB. This post was lost, somehow, so I thought I’d be anonymous in the re-post. Now it reappears only to out me as being corny. Thanks a lot guys.
- http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ
  
  @Ms. Hall,
  
  Is there any way to regain lost cool points? Or are these offenses simply unforgivable?
  
  sure. you can gain cool points back. just don’t try to lose em again by replying to your own comment, and you’re cool
Ms. Hall

LMAO at #9. But my favorite (or most despised) is #7. I am passionate about this one. Any form of condescension immediately places you in the dislike category of my brain. Cynicism I like. Condescension I hate.

@ Champ,

I have this friend who used “no homo” once. She..I mean..He saw the error of his ways and never used the term again. Is he doomed to be a cornball forever? Or can he somehow regain those lost cool points? What should I tell him?
- shay_d_lady
  
  @Ms. Hall, I feel the same way about condescension..I mean you can disagree all you want but that shyt pi$$es me off….
- Me fail english?
  
  @Ms. Hall,
  
  I hate cynics! I always held the contention they must be secretly unhappy and scared of disappointment. Which is fine with me but why Debbie Downer the isht outta everyone else’s lunch? Throat-chop!
  - Ms. Hall
    
    @Me fail english?,
    
    I feel you. Most Americans are usually optimistic. However I worked with the French for a few years so now the cynicism is just funny to me.
    
    **side note: What’s with all of the violence? Specifically abuse to the throat area? I’ve seen several posts, mostly by female posters, referencing this Bernie Mack endorsed method of settling your differences. Is the throat-chop the new black?
    - V Renee
      
      @Ms. Hall,
      
      “Is the throat-chop the new black?”
      
      Yes. Especially if you’re miss t-lee.
      
      You should try it out sometime. It’s rather refreshing.
      - miss t-lee
        
        @V Renee,
        It’s madd refreshing.
        
        And yes..throat punching is the new black.
shay_d_lady

I agree totally with your list..I hate corny a$$ ninjas with a passion that burns as hot as 10,000 suns…
Corny ninjas name drop..their car, where they live who they know etc…if in 2 minutes of conversation I have your business card, know who your boss is, how much you make what kind of car you drive and where and how much you paid for your home? you are a lame a$$ cornball

if you inject sexual overtones into every single conversation

if you wear a gold chain of any sort
or you wear button downs with no undershirt and the top 2 buttions open…if you wear the top 3 buttons open you are also a pedophile or a rapist
if you give laugh so hard at your own joke you cant finish it and when you finally do no one else ever laughs? you guessed it
- http://www.goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess
  
  @shay_d_lady,
  “if in 2 minutes of conversation I have your business card, know who your boss is, how much you make what kind of car you drive and where and how much you paid for your home? you are a lame a$$ cornball”
  
  I think I met a tribe of those the other night..I mean U was nauseated at the lengths these ninjas went to to “impress” who/what they think I am is ri(fuggin)diculous!
- YGB
  
  @shay_d_lady,
  “Corny ninjas name drop..their car, where they live who they know etc…if in 2 minutes of conversation I have your business card, know who your boss is, how much you make what kind of car you drive and where and how much you paid for your home? you are a lame a$$ cornball”
  
  This sh1t right here makes my teeth itch! And we have all me some1 like this and if you haven’t then please count your blessings.
  Like this one muhfukka who felt the need to let us know that his house has 2 swimming pools – muthafukka for what???
  - http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com blackberry molasses
    
    @YGB,
    
    “Like this one muhfukka who felt the need to let us know that his house has 2 swimming pools – muthafukka for what???”
    
    So he can let you know that he has at least THREE places to pee in, that’s why! You ain’t a balla fa real if you don’t have at least a bathroom AND a pool to pee in!
    - Me fail english?
      
      @blackberry molasses,
      LMAO!
      
      Sounds like the type to only drink the finest of Cambodian breast milks. Anything else, well that shit just aint baller.
    - http://k-unwrapped.blogspot.com K.
      
      “So he can let you know that he has at least THREE places to pee in, that’s why!”
      
      OMG why did this make me laugh out loud forreal?LOL
    - YGB
      
      @blackberry molasses,
      
      LMAOOOO! Stop!
      Man, to hell with that fool!
  - mssmtaylor
    
    @YGB,
    
    Like this one muhfukka who felt the need to let us know that his house has 2 swimming pools – muthafukka for what???
    
    Now its too dayum early in the morning for me to be laughing this hard. CUT IT OUT
- http://www.singlesisterspeak.wordpress.com Nicki Sunshine
  
  @shay_d_lady, “Corny ninjas name drop..their car, where they live who they know etc…if in 2 minutes of conversation I have your business card, know who your boss is, how much you make what kind of car you drive and where and how much you paid for your home? you are a lame a$$ cornball”
  
  These people SUCK.
- CoCoPuffs
  
  @shay_d_lady,
  
  “or you wear button downs with no undershirt and the top 2 buttions open…if you wear the top 3 buttons open you are also a pedophile or a rapist”
  
  I thought I was the only one that thought that! Dudes that do that give me the heebie jeebies. Especially if they have taco meat on their chest and trying to show it off…
- Me fail english?
  
  @shay_d_lady,
  
  “if you wear a gold chain of any sort”
  
  *looks around nervously* mine is flava tho!
  
  I also admit to being a native ny’er and former seventh grader.
  
  lol@ the laugh part. I do laugh at my own jokes and on occassion I’m the only one. In my own defense though, I genuinely think I’m funny. Not my fault that no one agrees *shrugs*
- http://nianaturally.blogspot.com N.I.A. fabuloussince1982….
  
  @shay_d_lady, or you wear button downs with no undershirt and the top 2 buttions open…if you wear the top 3 buttons open you are also a pedophile or a rapist
  
  I this several times last weekend. And one guy had the nerve to also have on a gold chain and had an extra hairy chest. yuck!!
  - WordSmith
    
    @N.I.A. fabuloussince1982….,
    
    Tangentially related, but I’ve always wondered: Are hairy-chested chain-wearers concerned about the chain getting caught in the hair? Has this happened? What is the on-the-spot solution ( cutting the chain free when he gets home is the first thing that springs to mind)?
    
    Important questions, these.
- http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ
  
  @shay_d_lady,
  
  Corny ninjas name drop..their car, where they live who they know etc…if in 2 minutes of conversation I have your business card, know who your boss is, how much you make what kind of car you drive and where and how much you paid for your home? you are a lame a$$ cornball
  
  “name-dropping” would have made the cut if the list was extended to 15
- Dorian G.
  
  @shay_d_lady,
  
  “if in 2 minutes of conversation I have your business card, know who your boss is, how much you make what kind of car you drive and where and how much you paid for your home? you are a lame a$$ cornball”
  
  Not to bring up past discussions, but yesterday VSS told me that money = looks as far as women were concerned. So is flaunting your money = flaunting your a$$? If so how is that corny?
  - Me fail english?
    
    @Dorian G.,
    
    I think a gratuitous display of money/status/ass/breastmeats/cars/jewelry and other stuff is just in poor taste. They all make the offending party look corny, if not desperate.
    
    But everyone defines “gratuitous” differently.
    - http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ
      
      @Me fail english?,
      
      i’m a fan of gratutious displays of breastmeats, thank you
shay_d_lady

also if you say “what it do” GTFOH…….
- RedBeanzNRice
  
  @shay_d_lady,
  
  Well, that’s not really corny- it’s just tired.
- miss t-lee
  
  @shay_d_lady,
  Don’t really think this is corny…that’s like the daily greeting doing here.
  - miss t-lee
    
    @miss t-lee,
    I mean down here…lawd…lol
- Toussaintthefree
  
  @shay_d_lady,
  
  “if you wear a gold chain of any sort”
  
  Chill out! I’m west indian, and a native ny’er, its in my blood, plus no1 knows I have have it on till I take my shirt off…so the question is if your feeling me, we go out have a good time, go home and about to get intimate, I take my shirt off, am I a cornball!? Does your panties shoot up?
  - WordSmith
    
    @Toussaintthefree,
    
    Lmao at your indignation!
    
    But, in all seriousness, yes. Mine would.
    
    But, you know, diff’rent strokes for diff’rent folks.
    - AkShone
      
      @WordSmith,
      
      LMBAO…the mental visual of this is hilarious!
      
      Plus, I keep thinking about the scence in Friday when Debo had took ol’ boy’s gold chain and he said,
      “My GRANDMOMMA bought me that chain!” and he runs off like a little girl.
      
      Gold chains are corny, though…
  - mssmtaylor
    
    @Toussaintthefree,
    
    One of my co workers is west indian and omg he has on a gold chain. You can barely see it. I wonder if he has a lot of chest hair??? Maybe i’lll ask him.
  - shay_d_lady
    
    @Toussaintthefree, so the question is if your feeling me, we go out have a good time, go home and about to get intimate, I take my shirt off, am I a cornball!? Does your panties shoot up?
    
    yes
    - Toussaintthefree
      
      @shay_d_lady,
      O well, I must be a cornball then…and I’m proud! So thats three ladies that won’t give it to me…I can understand gold teeth, but a gold chain!? Whatever lol
http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com/ Monk

My name is Monk…and I’m a cornball.

My corny jokes is the reason for this though, not the things The Champ mentions above. I consider THOSE people a variation of douchebags, asshats, flossers, perpetraitors, and socialites. And I wish they stop giving my fellow corny folks a bad stigma.

Thank you. God Bless. Good Night.
- http://www.goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess
  
  @Monk,
  I thunk of YOU as soon as I read the post…and to make the record crystal clear…YOU ARE NOT THIS!! That’s why I was so confused-ed about that “cornball” meant…when I think CORNBALL, I think bad jokes and sappy humor…not caddy keys jingling ATM receipt flippin lying on they d!ck looking boys! People that follow these commandments deserve whatever “bad stigma” they get!
- RedBeanzNRice
  
  @Monk,
  
  I think you’re fly! I’m sure that was a cornball thing to say, but who gives a “blank”? At any rate, you’re not a cornball – you just express yourself in a humorous way that’s different from the norm.
  
  If you weren’t pissy yellow, I even go as far as saying you’re sexy. Get some sun – we’ll talk. ; )
  - http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan
    
    @RedBeanzNRice,
    
    Woooe hold on there Red… I know for real that the AA’s w/ less melanin don’t like being refered to in the same conototation as micturition. (my baby sis is not so melanin endowed as are some of my cousins)
    - RedBeanzNRice
      
      @WuDaMan,
      
      You know what Wu – you’re right – sorry bout that. I never even looked at it that way – it’s just a term I grew up hearing. *shrugs*
      - http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan
        
        @RedBeanzNRice,
        
        I feel you I have been tryin to learn what is easiest to come accross non harsh. Cuz written prose is not my thing. & tone is soooo hard to convey. n u ain’t got to be sorry be better. matter o fact I know some ways you could… nah just playin.
    - shay
      
      @WuDaMan,
      so why i had to full on go an d google what micturition means…. i fail at context clues.
      - http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan
        
        @shay,
        Don’t sweat it shay I have been in a lot of circles through out my life n I pick shyt up… Now we all know though right
      - http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan
        
        @shay,
        oh but ‘conototation’ but that shyt right there ain’t no word it’s a typo.
  - http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com/ Monk
    
    @RedBeanzNRice,
    
    So I’m sexy in a golden shower type of way??
- iloVEGrits
  
  @Monk,
  
  Yeah, Monk. My definition of CORNBALL is much different. And, in fact, each of the items/traits Champ listed have their own individual names…neither of which is cornball.
  - maria
    
    @iloVEGrits,
    
    I’mma use plenty of leeway with how I view cornball here sorta in the same way Bodie’s use of “Simon” couldn’t quite be pinned down yesterday…open for interpretation…
    - http://www.goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess
      
      @maria,
      *high five and secret VSS handshake*
      
      I WAS THINKING THE SAME THING!
      
      I was readikng this and was like…
      
      “oh these is sum ole SIMON looking a$$ ni99as!”
      
      FYI – I think I used “SIMON” like fiddy-lebben times yesterday!
      - mssmtaylor
        
        @GOODENess,
        
        lol. I think if I use that people gone start looking at me like why is the old azz (30 yr old) woman talking about some dayum SIMON?.
        
        http://www.goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess
        
        @mssmtaylor,
        foh’real…d@mn…guess since I should stop it then, lol
  - http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ
    
    you all are on the right track. bodie’s “simons” is definitely what i had in mind.
  - http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com/ Monk
    
    @iloVEGrits,
    Yeah, I just read the Champ’s edit. I’m kind of late now.
- http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ
  
  @Monk,
  
  My corny jokes is the reason for this though, not the things The Champ mentions above. I consider THOSE people a variation of douchebags, asshats, flossers, perpetraitors, and socialites. And I wish they stop giving my fellow corny folks a bad stigma.
  
  i made an edit to the entry to explain the context of corny. there’s a good corny, and an evil corny.
  - http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com/ Monk
    
    @The Champ,
    
    My man.
maria

Thou shall still fall victim to tryin to “fit-in” by any means necessary. This will usually entail one, if not all, of the following traits: being fake, being 2-face, partaking in, perpetuating or promotion of obnoxiously adolescent-isk gossip that your too grown self knows is some b.u.l.l.s.h.*.t

You will always have your priorities askew…as in Example 1.“it’s summer time, so I don’t need to pay that gas bill”…instead your purchase some dumb sh*t you don’t need but that you really, really want” Example 2. You bail out of or dodge a commitment b/c something “better” came or is possibly going to come along… I’m not taking about relationship commitment more like, “No I can’t make your birthday party/be by your side post-surgery/attend your blog of the year award etc b/c I got courtside tickets to…I just won a trip to New York (you live in New Jersey), um my new gadget (laptop, digital camera, Wii) arrived today so I’d rather play around with it…etc.
- http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com/ Monk
  
  @maria,
  
  “Thou shall still fall victim to tryin to “fit-in” by any means necessary.”
  
  Actually, because I’m into entertainment and the fact that I DON’T try to fit in with the “in-crowd” is part of the reason they look at ME as the corny one. I’ll be dat.
  - maria
    
    @Monk,
    
    I don’t see you as corny at all for NOT changing you to try to be part of the “in-crowd” in fact, that is the opposite of cornball. Stayin true to yourself is what my point supports…the “in crowd”usually are the ones that are bending themselves any-which-way to so-called be runnin sh#t, it’s usually just in their lil circle or mind that they are actually the front-runners…
  - YGB
    
    @Monk,
    “Actually, because I’m into entertainment and the fact that I DON’T try to fit in with the “in-crowd” is part of the reason they look at ME as the corny one. I’ll be dat.”
    
    I think this is what would make a person uncorny (if that’s even a word)! Do you man!
    - http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com/ Monk
      
      @YGB,
      
      Of course in my book, they’re the lame ones, but you know how it is when everyone’s just a bunch of d*ck rydas and you’re not. You’re going to always get looked at as the odd ball. Oh well.
maria

oh and cornball/super l.a.m.e.a.s.s you deny your family (children) to try to get sum…seriously, wow! you just sunk to an unforgiveable low…
- YGB
  
  @maria,
  
  i don’t think this is corny as much as it’s just asinine! Anyone who does this deserves to have their nether regions stomped!
  - http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com/ Monk
    
    @YGB,
    
    trifling > corny
- http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ
  
  @maria,
  
  lol, yeah. this is past corny.
Resident GRitS

…this is an extremely accurate description of an a$$hole I know. I feel much better having left his a$$ alone.

…thanks and sh*t.
- http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ
  
  @Resident GRitS,
  
  any time and sh*t