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the table test, revisited

a running joke with panama and i is that i’m a diplomat. not in the jimmy carter or freaky zeeky sense, but the guy who always tries to play the mediator, extinguishing proverbial fires whenever needed (if p’s the yin to my yang, i guess this would make him the arsonist. or not. damn. this worked much better in my head. forget i even said it.).

depending on your point of view, this can be described as either “grounded” and “level-headed” or “non-confrontational” and “passive-aggressive”. in theory, relationship-wise, this should be a great quality for someone to possess. who wouldn’t want to be with a person they know probably isn’t going to argue, is basically always optimistic, and will always attempt to find the most practical solution in any situation, right?

well, if you informally polled each woman that i’ve been at least somewhat seriously involved with, they’d probably all say that this (along with the “night whispers”) was easily their least favorite part of me. the same ingredient in my blood that allows me to be “diplomatic” can be a serious relationship irritant

i’m the guy who seriously might just fall asleep while my girl is having a “passionate” and “intense” discussion with me in bed.

i’m the guy who strongly feels that if someone is able to make me show emotion, i’ve lost  (admittedly though, i have no idea what would represent “winning” in this case).

i’m the guy who’s heard some variant of “you know, i had no idea you we’re even attracted to me, at least until after we had sex on your parents porch” at least 10 different times.

i’m the guy who’s broken up seemingly out of nowhere with at least two different people after getting finally fed up with issues that i could have very easily nipped in the bud, but instead chose to stick my head in the proverbial sand and ignore em, thinking they would go away.

this is a part of me that i’m consciously trying to work on, the biggest personal quality that i currently take off the table

so, grown and slutty sexy people of vsb.com, on your relationship resumes, which attributes would you list in the “negatives“,  “work in progress“, or “damn…i’m f*cking nuts” column? don’t be shy or scurred. we’re all family here and sh*t

—the champ

Filed Under:
Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't.

  • http://lizburr.com Liz

    First of all, after all this time I have known you (and shared TMI with you) I have always been surprised as to why a lady you were courting would not like such a nice young fellow as you. but now that you explain it, I guess that could make sense. LOL.

    Anyway, since you’re feeling hoest and open, I will follow suit. *closes eyes*

    negatives:
    I have bouts of low self esteem more often than I probably should, over the dumbest stuff.

    work in progress:
    I just don’t care all that much about dating anymore. Apathy, much?

    damn….I’m f*cking nuts:
    I overthink every situation that potentially involves me and the opposite sex.

    But you knew this already!

    • Miss Patterson

      “I have bouts of low self esteem more often than I probably should, over the dumbest stuff.”

      Liz, you’re not alone on this one.

    • Miss Patterson

      “I have bouts of low self esteem more often than I probably should, over the dumbest stuff.”

      Liz, you’re not alone on this one.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “But you knew this already!”

      i did, lol…but i thank you for sharing and shit

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “But you knew this already!”

      i did, lol…but i thank you for sharing and shit

    • Gemini

      Liz you are right on the money with “damn….I’m f*cking nuts:
      I overthink every situation that potentially involves me and the opposite sex.”

      I do the same thing, and I try not to every time, but somehow I just can’t help it. I tend to overthink situations and try to find the deeper meaning in things that people say, instead of just listening and relaxing–I guess the journalist in me is always trying to decode what someone is saying to me. I can’t help it, you can’t take everything at face value these days.

      • http://lizburr.com Liz

        Yeah, the only thing that keeps me from doing this so much is to get distracted by other things (work, family, life). The more idle time I have the more I am overthinking something about some guy lol. It’s all good though, I am coming out of it slowly but surely. I think it’s my apathy taking over.

      • http://lizburr.com Liz

        Yeah, the only thing that keeps me from doing this so much is to get distracted by other things (work, family, life). The more idle time I have the more I am overthinking something about some guy lol. It’s all good though, I am coming out of it slowly but surely. I think it’s my apathy taking over.

    • Gemini

      Liz you are right on the money with “damn….I’m f*cking nuts:
      I overthink every situation that potentially involves me and the opposite sex.”

      I do the same thing, and I try not to every time, but somehow I just can’t help it. I tend to overthink situations and try to find the deeper meaning in things that people say, instead of just listening and relaxing–I guess the journalist in me is always trying to decode what someone is saying to me. I can’t help it, you can’t take everything at face value these days.

    • The Queen

      @ Liz…”I overthink every situation that potentially involves me and the opposite sex.”

      I don’t think this makes you nuts. It’s too common to make you nuts. Funny, men always say we do this but no one ever has a solution on how to stop.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “Funny, men always say we do this but no one ever has a solution on how to stop.”

        dont overanalyze. stop inventing lines to read between. we are really not that difficult to figure out.

        • The Queen

          “dont overanalyze. stop inventing lines to read between.”

          Hmm…I will ponder your statements the remainder of the afternoon and the rest of the evening to determine their deeper meanings and how each is manifested in my life. Then I will respond tomorrow. lol

          Naw, but actually…that helped.

          • D*Stroy aka D*Pain

            LOL! @ QUEEN.. Now that was a clever-@ss response! HAAA!

          • D*Stroy aka D*Pain

            LOL! @ QUEEN.. Now that was a clever-@ss response! HAAA!

        • The Queen

          “dont overanalyze. stop inventing lines to read between.”

          Hmm…I will ponder your statements the remainder of the afternoon and the rest of the evening to determine their deeper meanings and how each is manifested in my life. Then I will respond tomorrow. lol

          Naw, but actually…that helped.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “Funny, men always say we do this but no one ever has a solution on how to stop.”

        dont overanalyze. stop inventing lines to read between. we are really not that difficult to figure out.

    • The Queen

      @ Liz…”I overthink every situation that potentially involves me and the opposite sex.”

      I don’t think this makes you nuts. It’s too common to make you nuts. Funny, men always say we do this but no one ever has a solution on how to stop.

    • http://www.sonicstorm.com Anechoic

      “I overthink every situation that potentially involves me and the opposite sex.”

      Isn’t that called “being a woman”?

    • http://www.sonicstorm.com Anechoic

      “I overthink every situation that potentially involves me and the opposite sex.”

      Isn’t that called “being a woman”?

  • http://lizburr.com Liz

    First of all, after all this time I have known you (and shared TMI with you) I have always been surprised as to why a lady you were courting would not like such a nice young fellow as you. but now that you explain it, I guess that could make sense. LOL.

    Anyway, since you’re feeling hoest and open, I will follow suit. *closes eyes*

    negatives:
    I have bouts of low self esteem more often than I probably should, over the dumbest stuff.

    work in progress:
    I just don’t care all that much about dating anymore. Apathy, much?

    damn….I’m f*cking nuts:
    I overthink every situation that potentially involves me and the opposite sex.

    But you knew this already!

  • http://k-unwrapped.blogspot.com K.

    Wow, I should be in bed.

    One of my negatives would be that I’m very guarded and/or cautious. Very. The few guys that I’ve been semi to seriously involved with couldn’t really say for sure how I felt about them (good or bad).

    I’m working on this whole being more relaxed/open thing.

    • Naomi

      This is so me! So many guys have told me to loosen up.

      arrrgh…working on it too

    • Naomi

      This is so me! So many guys have told me to loosen up.

      arrrgh…working on it too

    • http://nextbigthing.blogsome.com Hostess

      Were you always this way?? Or do you remember any dudes where you just let it all hang out?

      • http://k-unwrapped.blogspot.com K.

        Uuuum, once. And that took a couple of years to happen. But the sad thing is, he was an azzhole so it was a waste anyway.

      • http://k-unwrapped.blogspot.com K.

        Uuuum, once. And that took a couple of years to happen. But the sad thing is, he was an azzhole so it was a waste anyway.

    • http://nextbigthing.blogsome.com Hostess

      Were you always this way?? Or do you remember any dudes where you just let it all hang out?

    • http://quietstorm34.wordpress.com mellow

      Wow. That is me to a t. That and overanalyzing everything is a very frustrating combination. I’m working on it though.

    • http://quietstorm34.wordpress.com mellow

      Wow. That is me to a t. That and overanalyzing everything is a very frustrating combination. I’m working on it though.

  • http://k-unwrapped.blogspot.com K.

    Wow, I should be in bed.

    One of my negatives would be that I’m very guarded and/or cautious. Very. The few guys that I’ve been semi to seriously involved with couldn’t really say for sure how I felt about them (good or bad).

    I’m working on this whole being more relaxed/open thing.

  • http://www.singleblackmale.net Single Black Male

    This one is hard … pretty damn close to perfect (does arrogance count?).

    Uh … well … naw … perfection!

    • http://lizburr.com Liz

      how ’bout, you’re a liar?

      LOLLLLLL. JK :)

    • http://lizburr.com Liz

      how ’bout, you’re a liar?

      LOLLLLLL. JK :)

  • http://www.singleblackmale.net Single Black Male

    This one is hard … pretty damn close to perfect (does arrogance count?).

    Uh … well … naw … perfection!

  • http://www.idatewhite.com Eathan

    My negative would be I have relationship A.D.D. – can’t focus on one female for that relationship… and I’m selfish.. only when it comes to what I want long term.

    There ya go….

    • http://www.singleblackmale.net Single Black Male

      Actually … this I can agree with. I’ve definitely talked about my relationship ADD before … maybe just haven’t found the prototype yet.

    • http://www.singleblackmale.net Single Black Male

      Actually … this I can agree with. I’ve definitely talked about my relationship ADD before … maybe just haven’t found the prototype yet.

    • don giovanni

      i couldn’t have said it better myself!!! i can’t keep still in a relationship long enough for it to truly fester or grow!! if i see something i don’t really care for in the person, i’m gone and most of the time it’s without notice!!!

      • don giovanni

        i also suck at showing emotions!! when you have none, how do you show them?? it’s not that i don’t care, but i know i do not care about the issue as much as you and won’t get my knickers in a knot like you will!!

        i’m not too big on PDA!! its just not me!! doesn’t mean i don’t like you, but i hate when other people are doing it, so why would i be a hypocrite??

        i like my space!! we don’t have to be around each other 24/7/365/366 in a leap year!! i will grow tired of you even more quickly than normal!! its as if you lit the candle at both ends; the light, which may be bright, will last but so long!!

        i’m not the conventional romantic guy!! you’ll get flowers, candy, gifts, etc. (and not just on V-day or B-day), but don’t expect too much!! you will be disappointed, and then we will have to refer to the top paragraph again, as well as the next one!!

        i’m non-confrontational!! i don’t want to fight about it, argue about it, whatever!! mainly, i’m tired of proving you wrong; so therefore, i will let you bask in your ignorance (all while standing 2ft back and 3ft to the right, so as to not be guilty by association or proximity)!!!!

        i have no concept of time!! i have 5 watches and a clock on my cell phone and in the car, yet it does not mean that i will be on time!! if it is after the second date, you should know this by now, so get over it!!

        there might be a few more but i’ll let this be it for now!!

        • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

          @Don. I feel you on that “time” stuff. I’m getting much better at it though. As far as PDA goes, it would be nice if I had more of that in my life. I’m all about feeling validationand I think PDA gives you just that.

          I wont my man to boast and brag about the fact that I belong to him. Now, don’t grab my A$$ and try to bone me in front of everybody. (I said ‘bone’ LOL!) But, hold my hand, touch my lower back, put your arm around me, lay up under me, DAYUM! I’m getting mad now :(

          • don giovanni

            @ el….its not that i won’t brag or boast about the relationship, but i won’t be the people on the blanket in front of us watching e.t. at screen on the green!! we can touch for a little while and hold hands for a sec, but when i let go, don’t take it the wrong way!! either my hand has cramped up, your palms are too sweaty or whatever, can i please have my hand back for a sec!! God gave it to ME, so can i have it back for a sec??

            • D*Stroy aka D*Pain

              “either my hand has cramped up, your palms are too sweaty or whatever, can i please have my hand back for a sec!! God gave it to ME, so can i have it back for a sec??”

              LMAO!!

            • D*Stroy aka D*Pain

              “either my hand has cramped up, your palms are too sweaty or whatever, can i please have my hand back for a sec!! God gave it to ME, so can i have it back for a sec??”

              LMAO!!

            • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

              @Don.You can only have it back for a sec. Wipe it off or shake it off. Do what you need to do to get comfortable and then resume holding hands. **ROLLING MY EYES AT YOU**

            • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

              @Don.You can only have it back for a sec. Wipe it off or shake it off. Do what you need to do to get comfortable and then resume holding hands. **ROLLING MY EYES AT YOU**

          • don giovanni

            @ el….its not that i won’t brag or boast about the relationship, but i won’t be the people on the blanket in front of us watching e.t. at screen on the green!! we can touch for a little while and hold hands for a sec, but when i let go, don’t take it the wrong way!! either my hand has cramped up, your palms are too sweaty or whatever, can i please have my hand back for a sec!! God gave it to ME, so can i have it back for a sec??

        • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

          @Don. I feel you on that “time” stuff. I’m getting much better at it though. As far as PDA goes, it would be nice if I had more of that in my life. I’m all about feeling validationand I think PDA gives you just that.

          I wont my man to boast and brag about the fact that I belong to him. Now, don’t grab my A$$ and try to bone me in front of everybody. (I said ‘bone’ LOL!) But, hold my hand, touch my lower back, put your arm around me, lay up under me, DAYUM! I’m getting mad now :(

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “i have no concept of time!! i have 5 watches and a clock on my cell phone and in the car, yet it does not mean that i will be on time!!”

          you know what, i’m surprisingly anal about time. this has also been an issue in relationships before. one woman actually got mad at me for actually calling her at 12 (like i said i would) instead of assuming she’d need an extra minute or two to get “ready for the call”

          • don giovanni

            i tried to be punctual, but then i wondered as to why should i be on time or early for someone who will still be another 20 minutes in the mirror trying to get ready!! i might as well take my time, she is!!

          • don giovanni

            i tried to be punctual, but then i wondered as to why should i be on time or early for someone who will still be another 20 minutes in the mirror trying to get ready!! i might as well take my time, she is!!

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “i have no concept of time!! i have 5 watches and a clock on my cell phone and in the car, yet it does not mean that i will be on time!!”

          you know what, i’m surprisingly anal about time. this has also been an issue in relationships before. one woman actually got mad at me for actually calling her at 12 (like i said i would) instead of assuming she’d need an extra minute or two to get “ready for the call”

        • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

          I’m with you on this one. I am the girlfriend that is fine seeing her man 3 times a week. I need my space for me time and other folk time for the other 4. I can’t be under someone’s nutsack cuddling 8/25/367. DamnAT. I got shit to do.

          • D*Stroy aka D*Pain

            “I can’t be under someone’s n*tsack cuddling 8/25/367. DamnAT. I got shit to do.”

            F-ing HILARIOUS!!!!!! LMAO! !!!!!!!!! (the word n*t sack really put this comment over the top)

          • D*Stroy aka D*Pain

            “I can’t be under someone’s n*tsack cuddling 8/25/367. DamnAT. I got shit to do.”

            F-ing HILARIOUS!!!!!! LMAO! !!!!!!!!! (the word n*t sack really put this comment over the top)

          • miss t-lee

            *Wednesday Evening Prayer Service*

            For real…give me some time to miss you dawg. :)

          • miss t-lee

            *Wednesday Evening Prayer Service*

            For real…give me some time to miss you dawg. :)

          • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

            I was in a long distance relationship for 3.5 years while I was in college and I enjoyed seeing him twice a month b/c I had ample time to miss him.

            • don giovanni

              yes….give me time to miss you!!! i was in a long distance relationship with a woman who lived in l.a. and while we enjoyed our two weekends out of a month visits to each other…we fo’damnsho enjoyed the time we spent apart (or at least i did ;-) )!!!

            • don giovanni

              yes….give me time to miss you!!! i was in a long distance relationship with a woman who lived in l.a. and while we enjoyed our two weekends out of a month visits to each other…we fo’damnsho enjoyed the time we spent apart (or at least i did ;-) )!!!

          • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

            I was in a long distance relationship for 3.5 years while I was in college and I enjoyed seeing him twice a month b/c I had ample time to miss him.

        • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

          I’m with you on this one. I am the girlfriend that is fine seeing her man 3 times a week. I need my space for me time and other folk time for the other 4. I can’t be under someone’s nutsack cuddling 8/25/367. DamnAT. I got shit to do.

      • don giovanni

        i also suck at showing emotions!! when you have none, how do you show them?? it’s not that i don’t care, but i know i do not care about the issue as much as you and won’t get my knickers in a knot like you will!!

        i’m not too big on PDA!! its just not me!! doesn’t mean i don’t like you, but i hate when other people are doing it, so why would i be a hypocrite??

        i like my space!! we don’t have to be around each other 24/7/365/366 in a leap year!! i will grow tired of you even more quickly than normal!! its as if you lit the candle at both ends; the light, which may be bright, will last but so long!!

        i’m not the conventional romantic guy!! you’ll get flowers, candy, gifts, etc. (and not just on V-day or B-day), but don’t expect too much!! you will be disappointed, and then we will have to refer to the top paragraph again, as well as the next one!!

        i’m non-confrontational!! i don’t want to fight about it, argue about it, whatever!! mainly, i’m tired of proving you wrong; so therefore, i will let you bask in your ignorance (all while standing 2ft back and 3ft to the right, so as to not be guilty by association or proximity)!!!!

        i have no concept of time!! i have 5 watches and a clock on my cell phone and in the car, yet it does not mean that i will be on time!! if it is after the second date, you should know this by now, so get over it!!

        there might be a few more but i’ll let this be it for now!!

    • don giovanni

      i couldn’t have said it better myself!!! i can’t keep still in a relationship long enough for it to truly fester or grow!! if i see something i don’t really care for in the person, i’m gone and most of the time it’s without notice!!!

    • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

      @ Ethan. Must be something about your name starting with an “E” I get that “selfish” label A LOT.

      • http://www.idatewhite.com Eathan

        @ Elenda It might be.. i’ve been that way for a long time.. unless it comes to my kids..

      • http://www.idatewhite.com Eathan

        @ Elenda It might be.. i’ve been that way for a long time.. unless it comes to my kids..

    • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

      @ Ethan. Must be something about your name starting with an “E” I get that “selfish” label A LOT.

  • http://www.idatewhite.com Eathan

    My negative would be I have relationship A.D.D. – can’t focus on one female for that relationship… and I’m selfish.. only when it comes to what I want long term.

    There ya go….

  • Miss Patterson

    wow…you gettin’ all personal and ish Champ. Here goes…
    I’m the girl who remembers everything. My memory is like a sponge. In a relationship this is a good thing because I remember birthdays, your favorite foods, your likes/dislikes, anniversaries, traumatic occurences in your life (so you never have to RE-explain to me why you feel sensitive about certain things), what you’d like for xmas, what you like in the bedroom, etc.

    However, I also remember the time you were late to pick me up on new years eve, the story you told me about that girl you dissed just a month before you met me, the sexual details of all of your past love affairs that you casually shared with me when we were first dating, and everything you ever said to me out of anger that hurt my feelings. I dunno, perhaps it’s the writer in me but sometimes I wish I didn’t have such a good memory…and I’m sure the guys I’ve dated at one time or another wished the same. “Get over it!” is a popular sentiment expressed to me by the opposite sex…and I remember all the times they said that too. (i feel so exposed now)

    • http://lizburr.com Liz

      Girl! This flaw should go in my “work in progress” column. I am doing my best to work on it, but yeah, I will remember EVERYthing you ever did to hurt my feelings :-\

    • http://lizburr.com Liz

      Girl! This flaw should go in my “work in progress” column. I am doing my best to work on it, but yeah, I will remember EVERYthing you ever did to hurt my feelings :-\

    • ForReal

      Girl, memory like an elephant. I feel you!

    • ForReal

      Girl, memory like an elephant. I feel you!

    • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

      @Miss Patterson. Dudes WISH I could remember half of the stuff you do. “What, when did you tell me you hate wearing the color black?” “Oh, you are alergic to tomatoes, my bad, more for me.” “Oh, you have to work today, my bad, I forgot” LOL!

      • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

        LMAO Elenda. I’m bout that senile too.

      • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

        LMAO Elenda. I’m bout that senile too.

      • genius khan

        Elenda, you, myself and Luvvie just don’t give a shit. it’s not that i cant’ remember, it’s that i’m not trying to remember all that trivial shit. my friends say i got alzheimers and i tell them: betya i don’t forget my way to the bank. shit is so piscomous. i had a standing joke with my ex. i would ask her: what’s your name? do i owe you anything?

      • genius khan

        Elenda, you, myself and Luvvie just don’t give a shit. it’s not that i cant’ remember, it’s that i’m not trying to remember all that trivial shit. my friends say i got alzheimers and i tell them: betya i don’t forget my way to the bank. shit is so piscomous. i had a standing joke with my ex. i would ask her: what’s your name? do i owe you anything?

    • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

      @Miss Patterson. Dudes WISH I could remember half of the stuff you do. “What, when did you tell me you hate wearing the color black?” “Oh, you are alergic to tomatoes, my bad, more for me.” “Oh, you have to work today, my bad, I forgot” LOL!

  • Miss Patterson

    wow…you gettin’ all personal and ish Champ. Here goes…
    I’m the girl who remembers everything. My memory is like a sponge. In a relationship this is a good thing because I remember birthdays, your favorite foods, your likes/dislikes, anniversaries, traumatic occurences in your life (so you never have to RE-explain to me why you feel sensitive about certain things), what you’d like for xmas, what you like in the bedroom, etc.

    However, I also remember the time you were late to pick me up on new years eve, the story you told me about that girl you dissed just a month before you met me, the sexual details of all of your past love affairs that you casually shared with me when we were first dating, and everything you ever said to me out of anger that hurt my feelings. I dunno, perhaps it’s the writer in me but sometimes I wish I didn’t have such a good memory…and I’m sure the guys I’ve dated at one time or another wished the same. “Get over it!” is a popular sentiment expressed to me by the opposite sex…and I remember all the times they said that too. (i feel so exposed now)

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