The Shit List: The Five Worst Movies I’ve Ever Seen

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***Posted in anticipation of “Madea Witness Protection” hitting theaters today, and possibly getting a spot on the list***

I don't believe you, unemployed cop, you need more people

While watching “Why Did I Get Married Too”  the other night, I was overcome with a smorgasbord of different feelings and emotions (amazement, itchiness, pride, embarrassment, and hunger to name a few), but one was a bit more prominent than the rest: regret.

You see, since I don’t really go to the theater that often, millions of people had already seen it by the time I got around to seeing it on cable. And this (“millions of people had probably already watched it“) meant that all of the snarky comments and critiques I had about the hilariously contrived characters, the awkward attempts at “real male dialogue,“ the fisher-price plot twists, Lou Gossett Jr.’s schizophrenic island accent, and Tyler Perry’s airport man switch had probably been discussed, written, tweeted, and blogged about already (case in point), and I regretted that I hadn’t watched the movie sooner so I could have been in on all the fun.

How bad was this movie? Let me put it this way: Being coerced into watching Why Did I Get Married Too is the best get out of jail free card a man could ever have. Like, if you watched it with your girl yesterday and your girl’s birthday was next week but you completely forgot about it because you had been too busy helping your ex-girlfriend paint her kitchen, you could just say “I guess we’re even now” and you would be.

While Why Did I Get Married Too was definitely bad, was it bad enough to crack my list of the five worst movies ever? Lets see.

***For clarity’s sake, in order to make this list, the movie has to have had some sort of expectation of quality. For instance, although I Got the Hook Up and Glitter were definitely terrible movies, they don’t qualify because nobody in their right mind thought they’d be any good. I’ve named this the “Shannon Tweed Tenet”***

Vanilla Sky

Principals: Tom Cruise, Penelope Cruz, Cameron Crowe, Cameron Diaz

Plot: I’ve seen it three times and I still have no f*cking clue.

Why it makes the cut: Not only is Vanilla Sky the worst movie ever made (Yes. It is. Any other movie you’d put in its place would be wrong. Accept this and move on.), it might be single worst thing ever done in any context. It’s worse than the Potato Famine, the Rodney King verdict, Paul Pierce’s beard, medium rare chicken nuggets, the Tuskegee experiment, Warren G. Harding’s presidency, and the projected future of Antonio Cromartie’s kids. There are plagues with more positive attributes than Vanilla Sky. There are albino cockroaches with more redeeming qualities. Calling it a shitty movie would be an insult to turds everywhere. An aardvark rapes a puppy every time this movie is watched.

Bad Santa

Principals: Billy Bob Thornton, Tony Cox, Lauren Graham, Bernie Mack, Brett Kelly

Plot: Billy Bob Thornton–Santa Claus, a con man, and an asshole–meets the dumbest eight year old on the planet.

Why it makes the cut: There have been worse movies, but Bad Santa deserves special recognition for the potential of what it could have been. There’s no reason in hell why a movie with such a funny and entertaining premise (and funny and entertaining actors) should be so unfunny and aggressively unentertaining.

And, while I’m usually a fan of vulgarity, watching this was like watching a kindergarten choir recite the lyrics to “Put it in Ya Mouth.” Actually, it was worse. It was like watching a kindergarten choir recite the lyrics to “Put it in Ya Mouth” while the 2nd grade student aid is breaking the teacher’s back on the piano.

The Matrix Revolutions

Principals: Keanu Reeves, Carrie-Anne Moss, Laurence Fishburne, The Wachowski Brothers, Hugo Weaving

Plot: Neo is an unstoppable combination of Jesus, Beatrix Kiddo, and Clyde Drexler. Wait, no he isn’t. Wait, yes he is. (For real this time)

Why it makes the cut: While the series had a great beginning, it ended with two and a half hours of preachy and overproduced pseudo-intellectual pretentiousness. Basically, it was exactly like a Lupe Fiasco album.

Transformers 2

Principals: Michael Bay, robots, and some other motherf*ckers

Plot: Good and evil robots stage a bunch of battles on Earth to see how many different ways sweat can drip off of Megan Fox’s slow-motion bouncing boobs

Why it makes the cut: Along with being completely incomprehensible (During the fight scenes, you couldn’t tell which robots you were supposed to be rooting for, and once you figured that out you couldn’t tell if they were winning. Couldn’t they just have gone shirts and skins or something?) and surprisingly racist, this remains the only movie I’ve ever seen that actually induced physical pain. I left the theater with a migraine, an earache, burning eyes, a bloody nose, and somehow even managed to grow a genital wart.

Why Did I Get Married Too

Principals: A bunch of n*ggas you already know

Plot: …………..

Why it makes the cut: Should have been marketed as a science-fiction flick because it contained at least 25 major scenes and plot points that could have never, ever, ever, ever happened on this Earth we currently inhabit. For the sake of time, I’ll only name three two.

1. Troy’s inability to find a job, despite the fact that he was a f*cking 6’4” black police officer…in Atlanta…with experience!!! Recession or not, do you know how many d*cks a big city chief of police would suck if he knew he could hire a 35 year old 6 foot 4 black cop with experience? Let me answer that for you. seven. Trust me, if you live in a big city, your chief of police and your mayor would definitely suck seven d*cks each to get a person like Troy on their police force. I hope that helps you sleep better tonight.

2. Gavin dying after his $100,000, “specifically built for the race track” car was hit on the passenger side by a truck going 13 miles per hour.

3. The entire subplot around the cellphone password, despite the fact that cellphones don’t have f*cking passwords. While you may need to enter a password if you’re trying to check your voicemail from another line, if you actually physically have the phone, all you have to do is touch it. It’s like sitting on someone’s porch while their door is wide open but begging them for a key. Or something like that.

Anyway, people of VSB, any additions? What are the worst movies you’ve ever seen?

— Damon Young (aka The Champ)

Hey VSBers, your help is needed. Some of my friends at Bohemian Caverns in DC have asked for my help to get the word out. I used to manage at this spot and it’s a second home for me. So when they asked for my help, I couldn’t say no even if I wanted too. So peep game. If you could kindly go and vote for Bohemian Caverns for me, it would be greatly appreciated. The hope here is to help procure a grant to raise money. Voting just keeps Bohemian Caverns in contention to be one of the small businesses that gets a chance to compete for the grant. There’s no obligation or anything aside from the short time it takes to click the link. Thanks in advance. And if you can’t do it, thanks for reading anyway. – VSB P aka Panama Jackson aka Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirl He A 3

https://www.missionsmallbusiness.com/

575 thoughts on “The Shit List: The Five Worst Movies I’ve Ever Seen”

    • …it’s o-s-c-a-r.
      My cell phone has a second code, it’s m-a-y-e-r

      Sorry. Just being silly and showing my age.

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  4. Here’s the problem; I can usually sniff out a bad film without having to see it. The trailers are usually enough to keep me away from bad films.

    There is one glaring exception however; She Hate Me. Somehow I managed to see that film. Maybe it was because Spike generally makes films that are at least decent. So I was going on his rep alone.

    She Hate Me is the worst film I’ve ever seen. It was totally stupid. The plot horrifically bad. And to make it worse that film counts as one of the biggest wastes of talent in film history. How Spike got those actors to be in this stinker I’ll never know. I know it wasn’t money. Maybe they too fell for Spike’s rep.

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  5. I don’t remember bad movies. I never understood how or why people would keep the limited space of their memories full of things they hate.

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      • With WC and Malik on this one. I don’t remember bad movies until they actually come on television again and then I remember… damn, that was a bad movie. Snakes on a plane comes to mind now just because they are running it again… and again… and again. Ugh.

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    • it’s like teh smell of chitlins or walking in on your 80 yr old grand parents having hot hot buttered monkey love. some things get ingrained into the very fabric of your being.

      it’s like witnessing and commemorating an atrocity like a genocide or some great injustice
      you keep it in memory lest you fall victim to it again….make sense?

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        • so you burn your hand on the stove or scorch your retinas looking at the sun so what? you do it again?

          If that didn’t make sense, then i take it that you’re a glutton for punishment. You
          humans as a civilization has a bad habit of not learning from your mistakes, but a reasonably intelligent individual will say ” i know from the last time that if i drink this bleach, that will be terribly unpleasant”

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        • yeah i know i was just being dramatic.
          but this kinda applies with entertainment too
          for instance i only needed to hear gucci mane, drake, soldier boy or any number of today’s cRAPPers 1nce to know not to ever expose my eardrums to that type of rapery ever again!

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  7. Good Burger- I enjoyed it as a kid but as an adult it seemed extra stupid
    The Last Airbender- M. Night Shymalan ruined a good franchise
    Madea Goes to Jail- Tyler Perry
    Pineapple Express- Hated it because I was the only person in the theater not high
    Saw 4- I never did get the reason why it was made

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      • Who in the holy hell thought it was a good idea for M. Night Shyamalan to direct a kids’ film? I watched the movie on Netflix just to see if he was going to put his trademark surprise endings in that one, LMAO!!

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        • That’s hilarious because I did the same thing. I only made it to ~33 minutes in though. So horrible.

          I wish they would just start over with someone else directing it. So much potential from a great source material just wasted SMH.

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      • I *knew* that movie was bad as *soon* as I saw the casting decisions. *sends a squad of ninjas to dropkick M.Knight again*

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        • Yeah, me too. That doofus from Twilight as Sokka??? C’mon son, let’s be serious.

          Same thing happened with Dragonball: Evolution and that kid from American Shameless.

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        • My brother and I watched it on DVD after hearing all the terrible reviews. We kept hoping the movie would get betterbut it just stayed terrible. F*CK yo mama M. Night Shamalamadingdong! My brother tried to break the DVD after it ended. Don’t even get me started on that last Drangon Ball Z -_- Once I saw who they casted as Bulma and Chichi I knew it was doomed, oh and white Goku *throws desk across room*

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      • The fact that a little kid in the movie theater yelled “That sucked!” as soon as the credits hit solidifies The Last Airbender as a terrible movie.

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        • That movie was all kinds of jacked up. You had Seth Rogen and his partner Evan Goldberg writing the script and Michel Gondry directing the film. Whose bright idea was it to have an arthouse film and music video director in charge of an action film?

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    • The last airbender made me cry. That was my FAAAAVORITE cartoon of the past 10 years. The movie was so bad I was actually angry, and I snuck into the theater so I hadn’t even paid for it.

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    • I made the mistake of seeing Avatar in the theater with my brother. I absolutely loved the cartoon. The movie complete garbage.

      Pineapple Express just didn’t work at all. It wasn’t funny or entertaining.

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  8. The worst movie I have ever seen is Dangerous Ground with Ice Cube and Elizabeth Hurley. It actually wasn’t a terrible movie, it’s that it could have been so much better.

    Here’s the set up: In apartheid-era South Africa, a pre-teen Ice Cube is an active anti-apartheid activist. A cop leads him out to a field, points a gun to his head, then inexplicably lets him go. His mom freaks out and sends him to live with family in California. About 15 years later his father dies, so he returns to bury him. So he left as an African, but was returning as an American, and seeing post-apartheid South Africa for the first time.

    Sounds deep, right? Wrong.

    When he gets to South Africa, he finds out that his baby brother has gotten tangled with a drug lord, and Cube his trying to bet him out of gang life. It’s basically a crack-in-the-hood movie, but in Africa.

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  9. Bratz and House of the Dead are the worst movies I’ve ever seen, but then, I didn’t expect them to be masterpieces. I don’t really have movies that I hate, just movies that I thougt were overrated like A Clockwork Orange and Trainspotters.

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    • a clockwork orange was one of those movies that was kinda controversial at the time of it’s release. in the 70′s they had to actually ban the movie because of all the anarchists that popped up trying to copycat. to really get it you have to read the book

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  10. Shouldn’t all Tyler Perry films be excluded from this list if to be on it there was/ is an expectation that it was going to be a good film?

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      • Yeah a lot of people say that was a good film but I took an oath that I would never see any Tyler Perry film. So I haven’t and never will see it.

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        • You seem to have a personal vendetta. The hatred for Perry seems to boil and you repeat it at every opportunity. Even when he’s not the subject and were not talking about movies. It’s like you’re on a personal eternal hate Tyler Perry campaign.

          Where do you get so much hate energy? I mean, to me, at some point you’d get bored with it or find something new….I really want to know. Did Tyler Perry kill your puppy? He just makes movies. Most of them mediocre. What’s with the seething white-hot hate?

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          • For those of us who dislike Tyler Perry films the reasons are obvious. So if you like his films there’s no reason to try to explain why so many people think he’s a vile and talentless person.

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      • My comment is in moderation, but this is one of the two movies I listed as my worst…lol. This film was whack!

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            • It’s real simple- he’s a terrible actor, screenwriter and film director. His fanbase- or stans, as it were- hold him up as some kind of creative genius along the lines of Sam Peckinpah or Sidney Lumet. In my eyes, he’s the R. Kelly of filmmaking- getting a lot of press for excessive mediocrity. Why do they do that? From what I hear from them, they support him because he came from nothing to something.

              As a longtime film buff, I don’t see anything special or memorable about his films except they have overtones of the Christian faith woven in the film from time to time (People who know me know how I feel about the Christian faith). In a nutshell, I respect him as a man but he’s a terrible filmmaker- there’s no blinding hate, no disrespect. I feel he just should have stuck to plays- filmmaking clearly is not his strong suit.

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                • No- it’s the case of mediocrity being passed off as greatness. As a serious music and film buff, I find this to be utterly annoying. My dislike for Tyler is the same as my dislike of Michael Bay, Uwe Boll, Garry Marshall and Peter Hyams. The problem with Tyler Perry fanatics is they insist that he’s a savior of modern day filmmaking, when he’s really nothing more than an playwright who got lucky turning his Chitlin Cirucit plays into mediocre films. In any case, he should have stuck to writing plays- that’s his strong suit. Besides, when it comes to playwrights turned filmmakers, David Mamet runs circles around Tyler Perry.

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                  • “The problem with Tyler Perry fanatics is they insist that he’s a savior of modern day filmmaking…”

                    Whaaaaaa??? …who do you surround yourself with, maybe that’s the real problem. You’re paying too much attention to those you prob already know you don’t care for, because I AINT NEVA hearda Dat! NOT-A-ONCE!

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      • +1 The Family That Preys is the only Tyler Perry film I thoroughly enjoy. That and Daddy’s Little Girls.

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        • i don’t like most of his movies. but black people really gat it bad for shidding on other black people.
          you gotta respect this dudes game
          black owned film company
          distribution
          he actually put black actors to work
          dresses to much in drag for my taste but thats neither here nor there

          like i said i’m not a big fan of his movies but at the same time his movies are crap because he caters to those that actually support him….black churchy women!

          he actually made a decent film portraying a black man in a decent light…and hardly anyone supported it. daddy’s girls was actually alright.

          i respect his gangsta because he doesn’t abide by hollywoods rules!
          end of the day he knows who his supporters are and will continue to make movies for them. crappy or not. it’s just like with these dumbass reality shows. when negroes start demanding better and watching better a better product will emerge. until then stop tearin this brotha down

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          • Catering to an audience isn’t a sin; it’s business. I would categorize his movies like Will Ferrell and Adam Sandler- not as comedies but as movies where I generally know what to expect- and I’m still entertained.

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          • Here’s the thing though: If his films were actually good, I’d have no problem whatsoever supposrting him. That’s the reason why I won’t clown John Singleton, Spike Lee, Rick Famuyiwa, Malcolm D. Lee, Charles Stone III, Reggie Rock Bythewood, Kasi Lemmons or Thomas Carter. All of them are Black filmmakers and all of them have delivered quality product for most of their careers. This is something i have yet to see in Tyler Perry.

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  11. A yo Champ, I disagree with you putting Vanilla Sky on the list, dude. That movie was one that went over a lot of people’s heads. If nothing else, the movie derserves props fro two reasons:

    One: It’s a Cameron Crowe film (Personally, I’d switch “Vanilla Sky” out in place of his other film “Elizabethtown”- but that’s just me…)

    At any rate, here are five films that belong on my sh*t list:

    The Fountain- At no point in time should Darren Aronofsky do a romantic drama. Stick to the weird and dark films, kiddo.

    Idlewild- I love OutKast as emcees. Actors? Not so much…and whose bright idea was it to put Paula Patton’s non-acting ass in a film?

    Shadowboxer- WTF was that?!

    The Fast And The Furious- Everyone knows- or should know- this movie is terrible. The cars and the racing scenes were that movie’s only saving grace. All of the actors were awful, the directing was horrible, and the editing made just plain bad!

    Sunshine- Usually I love everything Danny Boyle ever directed. But this movie here? There was no excuse for it. It was so bad, it made me want to go out and kick every dog I saw.

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    • Dude, thank you for sticking up for Vanilla Sky. People who don’t get that, and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, are people who are really missing out on life.

      Also @Perv, what was your second reason it deserved props?

      P.S. Don’t pick on Bad Santa, it knew what it was when it hit theaters, and it had Bernie Mac and John Ritter in the same movie.

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      • The second reason (Which I forgot to post) was that the whole movie was Cameron’s first foray into sci-fi- something he’s never done before. Sure it didn’t seem like a sci-fi film…at least until they got to the end of it.
        *spoiler alert for those who haven’t seen it yet*

        At any rate, I think Champ is unfairly giving that movie the third degree- the movie wasn’t really that bad honestly.

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        • The point you make about Vanilla sky switching to sci-fi is exactly why I didn’t like.

          I like sci-fi movies, but that wasn’t what it was billed as, so when the movie switched, I was like WTH?!? I’d like to give the movie another shot, but when I first watched, I was less than impressed.

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          • The marketing of the film is what threw people off, but look at it like this: If they had revealed it was a sci-fi film, they basically would have given away the ending. That’s not something you want to do as a movie studio.

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    • I’ve been waiting for someone to put vanilla sky on a “worst movie list” because I knew within the first hour that I was watching trash. Unfortunately it was a friends birthday so I couldn’t walk out. I feel like its a movie that’s so aware of itself and how “deep” it is that I just can’t get with it. It’s deeply shallow. Lol

      Another hour and a half of wasted life? Joyful noise with queen latifah, keke Palmer, and dolly Parton. I actually did walk out!

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      • True story took place last weekend,the trailer for ” Joyful Noise” played and I told my friend “close your eyes and start humming, better that the time you will spend watching that crap”. Even my local bootleg dvd man refuse to sell it to anyone.

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    • I love Outkast. I love Idlewild. I own it on DVD. I watch it often. It’s a musical. Put it in the same category as Purple Rain. And I think 3000 is a decent actor. Not great, but not bad. I’m looking forward to seeing him as Jimi Hendrix.

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    • Oh NOOO PA! Shadowboxer was good I liked it.

      The sex scene was a reminder of what sex really is between a man and a woman. I totally got it.

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        • I know but their love transcended the limitations of caregiver. No DNA was involved. It’s interesting because the reason she had that title was because of his father, who was a piece of s#it to both of them. Killing the father killed that role for her so they could be to each other what they were meant and wanted to be. The fact that they were so physically different is what made their love so interesting-it’s the true essence of love being intangible. And bigger tan what the eyes can see and perceive.

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    • You didn’t like Idlewild??? Seriously???? I loved that movie…more so the music. I agree with you on Paula Patton….I thought the same thing when I saw her in Mission Impossible.

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    • The Fountain! I was trying to remember the name of this movie the other day and I couldn’t think of it. This was a WTF movie if I ever saw one. I recently happened to see a movie equally as f*cktastic called “The Time Machine.” It had like 4 different plots.

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    • PA has a point. “Vanilla Sky” wasn’t awful. It was miscast. I understand they cast Penelope Cruz because she was in the original Spanish version of the film, “Habre los Ojos” but she was terrible in this one. Her accent was incomprehensible. Tom Cruise’s only good movie roles were “Magnolia” and “Jerry Maguire,” and I think it’s because in those movies he wasn’t acting lol. But the plot and storyline for “Vanilla Sky” was good. It isn’t for everyone, though, so I could see why The Champ doesn’t like it.

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  12. I agree re: the Matrix Revolutions (I disliked both sequels) and Transformers 2. I thought it was funny that in Transformers 2, the robots had better lines than the humans.
    I have to strongly disagree with you re: Bad Santa. I just re-watched some of it recently. It managed to be funny, vulgar, and touching, all at the same time. Plus, that scene with Bernie Mac eating an orange was worth at least half the price of admission.
    I’m not sure about the worst movie I’ve ever seen, but the worst one I’ve seen in recent history is Red Tails. Most of the actors were excellent, but the dialogue was just.so.bad. The first time I saw it, I was annoyed. I just re-watched some of it to catch a scene that I missed, and this time I was able to laugh at it. If I ever have to watch it again, I’m getting drunk first. Then it will be hella funny.

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  13. Soul Plane and The Family that Prays together (whatever this TP flick is called…it sucked a** is all I know)…this is all I really got.

    I really won’t be able to contribute much to this discussion. I wish I could lie and say I was a movie person, but I’m not. I only watch movies if they’re documentaries or if my filmy cousin gets me to tag along to the movies. Ahh well.

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    • I knew Soul Plane was gonna be bad, but the whole viewing experience made it that much worse for me. Me and a bunch of my boys ditched school after lunch to go watch a bootleg copy at somebody’s house. There was something in the air so all of our eyes got seriously irritated while walking, so we’re all sitting there watching this terrible, unfunny movie while my eyes were literally hurting the entire time.

      One of the worst days of my life.

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  14. Umm Champ…you can actually screen lock most smartphones so that people can’t go through your stuff >__> It’s a great anti-theft device as well (but your phone has to be on auto lock after a set time for that to work).

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    • I think I remember her asking for the voice mail password – which is different from the cell phone password. Because you are correct – there is a cell phone password that locks your phone and once you have it, you have voice mail access.

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  15. I’m a teacher, so I have to be that person–it should be principALs, not principles.

    On-topic: I agree with Malik that “good” movies that turned out sh*tty are hard to recall, but I can’t be the only person who likes to watch and snark on horrible low-budget films. Jeremy’s Family Reunion? Dysfunctional Friends (currently on Netflix)? Playas Ball?

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    • WOW funny you mention Dysfunctional Friends…I was just watching that on Netflixs and stopped 4 mins into it. The scene in the bathroom with Stacy Dash and TO….HOT MESS!

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      • The two most ridiculous things about that movie:

        1) What genius thought 9 main characters (not counting the dead guy) was a good idea?

        2) In what universe can those 9 people pass for “recently out of college”/late 20s?

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        • who gave terrell owens permission to “act”

          i only watched because of my obsess- er…um….i mean mild interests in the acting talent of stacy dash…..

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  16. The worst movies I’ve ever seen have to be “Wolf Creek,” “House of 1,000 Corpses,” and “Cabin Fever.” Good gawd, several hours of my life I can never get back.

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  17. Let’s see…..

    -Boat Trip
    -Miss March
    -Gigli (Yeah, I watched it. It was so bad it was actually hilarious)
    -The Grudge (Sarah Jessica Parker’s version, not the original Japanese one)
    -Any Resident Evil movie that wasn’t the first one
    -Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer (it too them that long to figure out to just knock SS off his board????!?!?!)
    -Meteor Man (I like Robert Townsend…..but that movie was BAD….lol
    -House Party 4 (Yes, they made a fourth one. Those guys from the boy group Immature were the “stars”)

    And I’m surprised Soul Plane didn’t make the list, Champ. lol

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  18. Oh yeah….Double Team…..Whose idea was it to put Dennis Rodman and Jean-Claude Van Damme together on screen? lmao

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  20. SPRUNG was the worst movie made> I wasted approximately two hours of my life that I will never ever get back and I am sure on my dying death bed I will want those two hours back. BOOTY CALL was horrible too, but I blame myself for voluntarily watching a film with that name…

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    • Did you really expect those movies to not suck, though?

      I was young when Booty Call came out, maybe like 9 or 10, so actually didn’t know how much it would suck; I just said “Tommy Davidson and Jamie Foxx are funny so I’ll watch it.” I remember watching it at my granddaddy’s house, and he sat there for a little bit and then went to bed. I wish he would’ve just turned it off or told me I shouldn’t be watching it or something.

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  21. I have to keep remembering not to take a sip of beverages when reading your posts. Fortunately, I contained myself, and my laptop was saved.

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  22. Here’s my list:

    9 Songs – Here’s the thing. I love movies. I like seeking out movies I never heard of, or movies that had some controversy around them (just to see if the fuss was warranted). This movie gained noteriety for basically being pr0n, that got released into major theatres everywhere. It was also one of the few movies in which during the sex scenes (there were lots of them by the way) there was actual penetration. They were ACTUALLY having sex. Add that to the fact that a fully erect peen was shown on screen (a film no-no) and it being one of the few movies released in theaters, not classified as pr0n, to show a full male ejaculation.

    This is one of the worse movies I’ve ever seen. The film was about a couple going to 9 different concerts (hence the title). Basically they’d go to a concert, then talk about something that had NOTHING to do with the concert they just saw, have sex, then repeat. That was the whole movie. And I hated it.

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    • The strange thing about “9 Songs” was how it managed to get past the MPAA with an R rating. That movie was basically a porno, but because it had dialogue it was classified as an “arthouse film”, LOL!

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    • Continued:

      Death Wish 2 – This entire series is centered around rape. Girl gets raped, protagonist hunts them down. I know this because of Wikipedia. This is the only movie of the series I saw due to it having the most controversy of its long a brutal gangrape scenes. Especially a 5 minute gangrape of a housemaid in which Lawrence Fishburne (yes, Morpheus) is one of the rapists.

      Dragonball: Evolution – Dragonball Z is my childhood and adulthood. This movie didn’t even TRY to do the manga/anime justice.

      Eight Legged Freaks – I have severe arachnaphobia. So, there’s that.

      The Entire Twilight Series – No, I won’t read the books. Because the premise and the plot is the same. Basically what we have here, is two supernatural beings, who can get ANY girl they want, trying to LITERALLY kill each other over Bella, the plainest looking, no personality having, boring, fidgety girl in town.

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        • No. Twilight and 95% of its fans are retarded. First off, the movies are horrible. Second off, most (I say most because one of my guy friends is actually a fan, we’ve had several talks about his Man Card being revoked because of this) of the fans are just unbearably stupid.

          Like what’s the point of the whole Team Edward/Team Jacob thing? If you read the books, then why go see the movie, based on the books, and get upset and act surprised about who she chooses? You read the books. YOU ALREADY KNOW WHO SHE’S GOING TO CHOOSE!!! So why even be Team anything?

          Oh and great avi by the way :-)

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        • I’m sorry, but Twilight is porno for chicks. It’s not in the sense of being sexual, but in the sense of being a completely unrealistic wish-fulfillment fantasy. Any woman that likes Twilight but talks trash about porn needs to have a theater full of seats. Wait, you mean it’s normal for two supernatural dudes with strong lusts and the ability to get any girl they want to sit and wait for some reg’lar a$$ed chick? Nah homey. Miss me with that!

          Reply ↓

          • I know you didn’t mean to generalize, but I couldn’t help but CRINGE at your comment. Twilight is NOT porno for chicks. PORNO is porno for chicks. When the first Twilight movie came out, I picked up the book to see what the fuss was about and proceeded to reenact the scene where Stewie finds Chris’s porn magazine. It was 150 pages of fluff, angst and low self-esteem. I feel like that movie was made to make girls dumb and keep women down. I feel bad for teenage girls for having Bella Swan as a role model. And Rihanna. And Katy Perry. and. And. AND!!!!

            Reply ↓

            • LOL…TUK and Todd: The love for Twilight crosses all ages and it is so serious I actually know a grown women who is currently going through a divorce who has SPECIFICALLY requested that the Twilight triple back DVD set be included in the items she gets to keep….no kidding…this is fa real.

              Lola’s Mambo: you are correct it is NOT PORNO…its just very overly sappy *shrugs*

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        • For some reason (I think it’s the soundtrack) I have found myself enjoying the Twilight movies. I also am lost at the attraction for Bella. In the movies she has no personality whatsoever and does…nothing. I’m sure I missed at least one or two of the sequels so I’m lost on why she’s supposed to be special but I still enjoyed the movies.

          Reply ↓

          • LMAO @ cruel joke, too true!

            Also, why was Goku in high school??? Dafuq Hollywood??? Not everythong with a teenage protagonist has to be set in a high school. That doesn’t make any sense at all for this universe.

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      • @ TUK
        Death Wish 2

        yeah dude…when i saw that rape scene as a kid, I thought that it went for far too long…

        Then I saw Irreversible(2002 French film)…which has a 10 minute rape scene. Not for the faint of heart.

        Reply ↓

        • Yea I saw Irreversible too. The only thing that bugged me about that rape scene was that it was far too long. But it wasn’t visceral or brutal. It was just a dude dry humping a clothed chick for 10 minutes. But Death Wish 2, though shorter, was WAY worse. I mean they passed this chick around for 5 minutes and once they were finished, bashed her head in with a crowbar.

          Reply ↓

          • Yeah, but in Irrevesable the rapist was beating her in the face the whole time…it was totally bloody when the EMT were putting her in the ambulance.

            Reply ↓

            • For some reason, the scene where the guy beats the other guy in the face with the fire extinguisher made me cringe more than the rape scene.

              Reply ↓

      • I saw the trailer for Dragonball Z and wanted to punch the children of the people who produced that movie in the face. They deserved it…once I watched it I wanted to disgrace their ancestors somehow, but remembered they made that poor excuse of a movie and I couldn’t do any worse. They had the girl from Real World as Chi-Chi!!! Unacceptable.

        Reply ↓

      • Eight Legged Freaks – I have severe arachnaphobia. So, there’s that.

        Wait, so why did you watch it?

        I have arachnophobia too, and I couldn’t even take the commercials for the thing. Shoot, I freaked out reading about the spiders in Harry Potter, let alone actually seeing them in the movies.

        Reply ↓

        • Because when I was younger my phobia wasn’t that as bad as it is today. Not to mention it looked like a comedy so I waited til it came out on HBO or whatever and watched it like…5 times.

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    • And add:

      X-Men Origins: Wolverine – The movie was just terrible. What they did to Deadpool was insulting to the highest degree.

      X-Men 3: The Last Stand – The trailer was so beautiful, but the actual movie was so garbage. I mean, SPOILERS:

      Dang near all the main characters either die or lose their powers. Like, for what reason? In fact (possible Geek Rant) while I really emjoyed the first two films, I have a problem with the series as a whole for its blatant disregard for continuity. How the hell is it, that is X-Men Origins, which chronologically takes place before X-Men 1, is Professor X bald and walking, but in First Class which is chronologically before Origins, he’s paralyzed and has a head full of hair.

      Why is it that in X-Men 2, Wolverine was able to be shot in the head, when in Origins when someone attempted that, the bullet bounced off his skull (as it should of done in X-Men 2)?

      Argh! Quit molesting my childhood dammit!

      #RantOver

      Sidenote: I finally made a Twitter. Follow me @SixHourErection

      Reply ↓

      • Totally agree on the continuity. ESPECIALLY for First Class. Like when the hell were Xavier and Rogue friends? Huh? And Angel there when Xavier was young? Naw. Too many things pissed me off in that movie for me to enjoy it. Not worst movie ever list, but it aint on my list of top favorites. Not by a long shot.

        Reply ↓

      • you cannot be a fanboy and enjoy these x-men movies, mainly because there made only for those with short attention span and folks that never picked up a comic.
        as for twilight…youtube twilight fan videos

        TUK is not exaggerating when he say that these twighlight fans are stupid and eternally annoying!

        and for anybody that saw the dragonball Z movie SHAME ON YOU for watching a movie that your instincts told you was gonna suck. hell i knew not to waste my time with that from the trailer

        Reply ↓

      • XMEN 1st class just PMO! Darwin Died!!! And no m not angry coz hes da only black guy in the film and he dies early, its the fact that HE IS GENETICALLY ENGINEERED TO ADAPT TO SURVIVE!!! He just shouldn’t have died. end of story!

        Reply ↓

    • I also hated that movie, TUK! Couldn’t watch it. It wasn’t even the sex scenes. While I hate porn I can handle it (and this was basically mainstream porn). I saw this movie to see what all the hype was about and honestly it was just crappy. If it wasn’t for the actual penetration nobody would care for this movie.

      Reply ↓

  23. Blue Velvet. My mom dragged me to see this as a kid in the theater and I gave her the screw face in the dark. She felt my gaze, turned to me and apologized.

    Bloodrayne. *flips table and walks out*

    *walks back in, sets table back*

    X-Men First Class. What in the bald-headed bizarro universe? This sh!t went off script and was contray to storylines #fangirlgeekproblems but what really pissed me all the way off was the effed up plot hole of how “Darwin”, the brother, died. 1. He can adapt to anything but not an energy burst? 2. His power was too valuable and it made no sense for him to be killed. Emma coul’ve controlled him as she was used to control other targets througout the film.

    Reply ↓

    • I agree with your frustration at X-Men, although I thought it was a decent movie. I’m only a casual X-Men fan, though, so before watching that movie, I didn’t know that Magneto had that much of a significant role in why Charles is paralyzed.

      But I was mad when Darwin got killed, too. Then again, I saw it coming, sadly. You just don’t run up on any ole body like you’re gonna do something….lol.

      I’d like to see Gambit get some more shine in future movies (if there will be any).

      Reply ↓

      • She didn’t know, lol. She had no idea that movie was like that. Plus, I’m an 80′s kid and folks weren’t as severe about ratings and as kids, we knew what was adult and what was our lane well enough to not mimic anything inappropriate.

        Plus, my family was one to watch things with me, explain it, and not keep me naive or in the dark of how the world works.

        Reply ↓

        • That’s true about the ratings. Wow, I know she was trippin’ during some of those scenes, probably covering your eyes, LOLOL!

          Reply ↓

    • X-Men First Class was somewhat good considering it only featured one X-Man I cared about (Henry P. McCoy). I lost it after Darwin died. That was the most blatant violation of comic powers ever. The entire point is that he can’t die. I will never have anything to say about Emma Frost so I’ll stop here. Outside of Lenny and Denise Huxtables’ little girl and Logan’s cameo it was pointless. (I think they made the movie to prevent Marvel from reacquiring the film rights to the X-Folks.)

      Reply ↓

    • after the way hollywood slaughtered x men last stand i decided not to even see first class

      and then i hear that they killed the only brotha which really sealed it. i mean i get it…hollywood doesn’t deem black lives as all that essential.

      but mainly as a fanboy, to sit through this film would make me a sadists.

      Reply ↓

  24. I can’t think of a list of 5 right now but theeeee absolute worst movie I think I’ve ever seen would have to be Deuce Bigalow European Gigalo oh and actually now that I think about it the second Harold and Kumar movie was also awful

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  25. No “Worst Movies of All Time” list is valid without Showgirls. Stippers are nasty o begin with but this movie was so bad, I was actually feeling sorry for strippers. Vegas showgirl my ass.

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  26. 1) Trois http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trois
    This movie was bad, but it tops my list because of all the HYPE it received. It was billed as a Black-made movie that everybody should pay to see first run so that the studio execs could realize that Black-made movies can turn a profit. All the hype came via chain e-mails as this was largely before blogs. I did my part and I saw it on a Friday night in Chicago. The lobby was so packed that there was a theater’s worth of people waiting to enter 30 minutes before the current movie ended. When the movie ended, all the people exiting walked past all the people waiting for the next show and the exiting people were all silent. Like heads down as if they had been in a funeral. I remember making eye contact with some of the people like, “Well, how was it”? and I heard, “Man, you just have to see it for yourself”. I saw for myself and it was the pits.

    2) There are 45 replies so far and nobody mentioned Pootie Tang? That movie is so bad that when you ask somebody if they’ve seen it you always get the response, “Well, not ALL of it…”. I will give props to the crew behind Pootie Tang because it’s a horrible movie, but it’s on cable ALL THE TIME. I sometimes find myself watching and after ten minutes it hits me that I blew the last 10 minutes of my live watching Pootie Tang.

    Reply ↓

  27. - Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance
    - All of Tyler Perry Movie
    - Jump the Broom
    - Somebody Help Me (with Marques Houston)
    - 35 and Ticking

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  30. My top five….

    1. BAPS – I have no words.

    2. Kazaam – I have fewer than no words.

    3. The Apostle (with Robert Duvall) – I have no idea why I even thought this would be a good movie. I think it had something to do with an interview during the press junket. Old Bob did a better job of selling the movie than acting in it. It is the only movie, in life, that I have ever paid full price for at the theater and then walked out on.

    4. Crooklyn – The only thing good about it was that Troy looks like I did as a little girl. There was entirely too much going on in that film.

    5. Norbit – does this really need an explanation?

    Reply ↓

    • NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      It’s sacrilege to put Crooklyn on a bad movie list! LOL! But it is one of my favorites. I always said I was going to reenact one of the GREATEST movie scenes of all time: when Troy and Viola kill Aunt Song’s dog.

      “Queenie!!!!! Ohhhhh, dear God!” LOL

      Reply ↓

    • One of my brothers would hunt you down for putting “Crooklyn” on the list. Grown man of 28yrs quoting every scene with musical intervals. We sooooooo belive this was our family but based in London instead he he he.

      Reply ↓

      • Ditto….except I grew up in Oklahoma and had all sisters, no brothers. But it’s just one of those movies that touched my heart. And you better believe I can quote everything from beginning to end!

        “That’s why I spent those funny-looking nickels of yours!”
        “Clinton, you will clean every fork, knife, spoon, dish…..Mutley….for a month!”
        “Yeah Tony, why you house stink, man?”

        I am so going to watch it again this weekend!

        Reply ↓

    • “Crooklyn – The only thing good about it was that Troy looks like I did as a little girl. There was entirely too much going on in that film”

      BLASPHEMY!……..Crooklyn was an awesome movie. Very real and relatable. My childhood was very similiar to Troy’s (all brothers/no sisters, tomboy, forced to grow up fast).

      Reply ↓

  31. I think the lesson to be learned here is that movies like music are very, very subjective. I enjoyed all the Matrix movies although the last two were tough to understand, I really thought the Wolverine film was good, and even though Transformers 2 was racist I can’t do that to a Transformers flick being as though that was my favorite childhood show and toy. Here’s my list

    1. Vanilla Sky: Totally agree with you Champ
    2. Body of Evidence: Madonna flick that was just a really, really bad Basic Instinct knock-off. Actually left this movie
    3. Mortal Kombat 2: They should have stopped after the first but clearly made this one for the paycheck
    4. Jumping the Broom: I think Panama has already talked about this movie but it actually made me appreciate Tyler Perry (Damn you TD Jakes for making me write that last sentence)
    5. Just Wright: I love Common but this was disappointing, he’s just not ready for a leading role

    An yes Champ cellphones DO have passwords

    Reply ↓

  32. I have yet to see a great movie based on a video game…and theres been a few of ‘em…
    Mortal Combat
    Super Mario Bros.
    Double Dragon
    Doom
    Street Fighter
    Max Payne

    They were all sucktastic.

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  33. The movie does suck, but, cell phones do have passwords. Stays locked. Where the phuck have u been?

    I just caught a screening of Black dynamite cartoon episode… Some plot surrounding Richard pryor, whole nother level of crap.

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  34. I think it was called “Very Bad Things”, the one where a stripper dies @ a bachelor party & further chaos ensues. I walked out of that mf…

    “Posse” – you don’t cast Bobby Brown, you just DON’T… we were DYING in the back of the theater!

    & I liked Bad Santa, how dare you Champ!

    Reply ↓

    • @ Cali
      I think it was called “Very Bad Things”, the one where a stripper dies @ a bachelor party & further chaos ensues.

      The stripper that got killed was one of my fav porn chicks. (Kobi Tai)

      There was another movie with a similair premise called Stag, starring Mario Van Peeples, where a group of “upstanding” guys (accidently) kills a stripper and they put off calling the cops to come up with an alibi.

      Reply ↓

  35. It’s funny-if you peep BET you can catch some ridiculously horrible flicks!

    Any Tyler Perry Movie from a play
    Frankenhood
    Hot Boyz
    Leprechaun
    Death at a funeral

    Reply ↓

  36. 1.Any movie starring Jennifer aniston
    2.Any movie starring Reese Witherspoon
    3 Any movie starring Katerine Heigl
    4.Any movie starring Beyonce
    5 Boris kodjoe can’t act
    That’s it for now

    Reply ↓

    • “Any movie starring Jennifer aniston”

      I don’t know about that one. Derailed and The Breakup were both good movies to me.

      Reply ↓

      • She’s had a few good or decent films.

        1. “She’s the One”: she wasn’t the star. This was back when she first started doing “Friends.”
        2. “Management”: Recent film. I actually liked it. I thought it was low-key and cute, and trust me, I’m picky.
        3. “The Good Girl”: The 2520s hyped this movie up, but ignore the hype and enjoy it for what it is: a decent film.

        I haven’t seen Derailed. I can’t comment on it. Jennifer Aniston’s not a great actress because she doesn’t have much range but when she’s with a good cast she does well.

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  37. I don’t know how many people have seen this, but the very worst film I’ve ever seen is a Mumblecore film called “Funny Ha Ha.”

    There are people who loved that film. Those people deserve to have their prefrontal lobes removed from their brains. The movie was friggin’ AGONIZING to watch.

    Reply ↓

  38. Tinker Tailor Solider Spy…after 3 attempts at home I gave up
    Safehouse…Even my illegal download tried to tell me to stop
    Anything with Jada Pinkett Smith
    Shark Tale…criminal case aginst cartoons
    Medicine for Melancholy…I’m not that quirky after all

    Reply ↓

    • Good lord I forgot ” Wonderful World” with Sanna Lathan and ” Breakfast at Tiffanys” she a slut with classic style GET OVER IT PEOPLE.

      Reply ↓

    • @LeonieUK:

      I actually fell asleep watching TTSS in the theater. I wanted to get into it and I tried hard to follow, really I did. But talk about slow!!

      I agree with you on Safe House, too. So much wasted potential. If I had known that it would be a relentlessy violent flick with constant gunfire, blood, and gore I never would have paid to go see it. The thinnest plot ever, just to hang the violence on. Ugh!

      I’d add ‘Any Given Sunday’ – Full frontal male nudity. I should have been warned.

      Reply ↓

      • You crazy, Any Given Sunday was awesome!
        I recently watched Safe House- I did fall asleep on it, but I woke up somewhere in the middle and it was OK. I watched it again.

        Reply ↓

        • You’ve got more stamina than I do if you could watch more than once. I went in thinking it was going to be a (fairly) cerebral political / spy thriller with, you know, a plot or something. I came out feeling like I’d been shot at for two hours. I haven’t been that disappointed since the last Woody Allen movie I watched. His movies may not be the worst I’ve seen, but definitely overrated.

          Reply ↓

      • “Any Given Sunday” is my pre superbowl movie, LOVE IT. I’ve been watching that for the past 4…nah 3…nope 5yrs straight. I refuse to acknoweldge you request.

        Reply ↓

      • “I’d add ‘Any Given Sunday’ – Full frontal male nudity. I should have been warned”

        Yeah…that, and the guy who got hit so hard his eye popped out on the playing field.

        Reply ↓

      • Any Given Sunday is good. I enjoyed that movie. That nudity scene is awesome. Slangin’ and swangin FTW! \o/

        Had some sister’s visiting from Paris when that scene came up and they gasped and said their heart rate increased. LOL!

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        • “Had some sister’s visiting from Paris when that scene came up and they gasped and said their heart rate increased. LOL!

          This was my reaction exactly, and not in a good way!. I was sitting next to another woman, we both turned away from the screen and looked at each other in shock.

          Reply ↓

    • I’m with you on TTSP. I would have asked my husband what was going on, but he fell asleep. I have no clue. I felt like I needed a score card.

      Reply ↓

  40. Worst blockbuster: The Hunger Games

    -No suspense. I didn’t read the book and even I knew as soon as we saw the little sister, she was getting picked.
    -No side or back story. (Putting the lead character in EVERY SCENE is so elementary school “What I Did Last Summer”-ish.)
    -Inexplicable changes of heart and strategy.

    Even with Lenny and Woody in the cast, I regret watching it.

    Reply ↓

  41. Here’s my list…

    1. Meet the Fockers. So many great actors in such a terrible movie.

    2. Star Wars Episode I. *shots fired* This movie was so hyped, but then was such a letdown. Dialogue was bad, characters were bad- I mean Jar Jar? C’mon, smh.

    3. Batman & Robin. I don’t even know where to begin with this one, so I’ll just let that one speak for itself.

    Reply ↓

    • I have never watched Star Wars, I know serious sin, but one boring ass rain killer of a weekend I will see the whole thing and claim my nerdy prize.

      Reply ↓

        • Well since I’m home today, I just downloaded the whole thing, as it’s classic London sunshine/rain/hailstones for the weekend. Just roped my roommate into watching the damm thing with me ( Cause we got Euro finals Sunday) Gonner run to ASDA and get some snacks in, push my hair into bunches and wave some raving sticks around.

          Reply ↓

    • I don’t think I made it through even 1 of the new Star Wars movies. The one I recall trying to watch was one with Natalie Portman- I tried at least 3 times to watch it.

      Reply ↓

      • Too many pretend Princess Lea plays to not hate the damm franchise ( Sure I’ve covered this before many comments ago), but I just can’t get past it. Watching Big Bang make me want to be a better sci-fi chic, but nooooooooooooooooooooooooo

        Reply ↓

    • “Star Wars Episode I.”

      True story, I went with family to see this movie. Every. Single. One. Of us fell asleep in the theatre. A loud noise woke us all up and we decided to just leave. We didn’t even finish the movie. I didn’t get to see the whole thing until it came out on VHS.

      Reply ↓

    • +1 on your entire list. I hated the entire Meet the Parents franchise. I don’t think Ben Stiller is funny. He has had only two good movies in my opinion and he played the same character basically…Heavyweights and Dodgeball.

      Reply ↓

  42. Why did I get Married Too was one of the worst movies I have ever seen in my life, it was decent and respectable for the first hr, the last hr was sheer insanity and insulting to black men.

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  44. Any list of this sort that doesn’t have the Love Guru mentioned is a travesty. I don’t know what the hell Mike Myers was thinking when he made it, but he needs Jesus in his life. I also wonder what footage he has of Romany Falco molesting kids, because that’s the only reason I think he was in this movie. The only thing redeeming in this movie is Justin Timberlake basically doing his whole D in the Box character for a whole movie, and that isn’t saying much.

    Reply ↓

  45. “Fargo” and “American Beauty” are in my top 5. I don’t care that they won Oscars nshit. They were awful. Sometimes I want to rewatch them to see if I “get it” but if I don’t, I’ll be pissed all over again.

    And why did Champ have me questioning myself about cell phone passwords? I mean he said it so emphatically, I was like “really?” LOL!

    Reply ↓

  46. 1. Black Spring Break
    2. Blessed and Cursed (It starred some gospel artist named Detrick Haddon who moped and did a lot or air punching [And not top quality Trey Styles air punching either]. I want to punch him now… often… in the neck and solar plexus.)
    3. Shame – God bless you, Nicole Beharie. Without you I would have cried my eyes out.
    4. Tougher than Leather- Run DMC as dee tec tives!?!?
    5. Happy Feet Two – It was preachy and boring.

    Reply ↓

    • I watched “Shame” to support my fellow Brit and was bored senseless. People cried that he never got more awards, I’m still wondering why it never went straight to DVD. Funny enough watch Nicole in ” Last night with you” much better interacial plot with a German man (Anyone else happy Italy killed them last night in the Euros?)

      Reply ↓

    • God bless you, Nicole Beharie

      She was the best thing about Shame…and her ta-ta’s were nice also.

      Very ballsy move for a blk actress.

      Reply ↓

    • Happy Feet Two was a great movie….I laughed all the way through it! Just thinking about that movie makes me smile… :-D

      Reply ↓

      • +1 I loveeeee Happy Feet 2. Everything about it was great from Ramon singing “I wanna know what love issssss” and Will the Krill not wanting to be a shrimp anymore ROTFLMBO!!!!

        Reply ↓

    • 4. Tougher than Leather- Run DMC as dee tec tives!?!?

      ^LOL! I see Tougher Than Leather as a blaxploitation film. I expect it to be bad and they had to get payback ’cause they killt Runny Ray, mayne!

      Reply ↓

  48. Unfortunately, if a movie is bad I tend to forget I even saw it (more than likely I fell asleep on it) so here are the ones I can think of recently…

    Apparently there’s going to be an Anchorman 2…

    1. The Janky Promoters- weird placement of vulgarity; all attempts at humor failed

    2. Skyline- The movie didn’t get good until the last 10 minutes. The movie should have started with the last 10 minutes and worked from there

    3. Tropic Thunder- This movie was not funny. I can’t get on the bandwagon. Everything was set up to be funny; it should have been funny- but it wasn’t.

    Reply ↓

  49. I agree with your list…especially Transformers 2 and it was like 2 years long.

    My Worst Five
    1. The Wolfman(2010) – I honestly havent made it thru the end…i went to see it in theatres fell asleep, rented it on demand fell asleep, tried to watch it on HBO fell asleep…i dont even like movies set in that period anymore

    2. HULK- Marvel has at least redeemed itself in the reboot and Avengers (even tho Mark ruffalo sucked as Bruce) the first Hulk was just an all around mess.

    3. Madea goes to jail- I’m still confused….Rudy was a hoe because Antwone Fisher didnt save her from a rape and his girl locked her up so Madea got out? I will forever resent my ex for making me sit thru that

    4. Rush Hour 3- I know if its not broke dont fix it but to basically do the same exact mediocre sequel in a new setting that had nothing to do with the plot was just…

    5. Twilight Eclipse- I said it. It was like the “obviously extra long Family Guy cutaway because they didn’t have enough material” movie of the whole franchise…nothing happened in Eclipse that was remotely relevant to the series itself.

    I know theres worse but i decided to make my worst 5 movies i actually spent money to see…if i downloaded it and it sucked (Captain America) i cant really complain

    Reply ↓

      • Agreed with WIP and Tristan on Rush Hour 3. Horrible. How long was he going to go on and on about her being bald? She was still gorgeous bald and Chris and many men would still hit so….

        Reply ↓

    • “2. HULK- Marvel has at least redeemed itself in the reboot and Avengers (even tho Mark ruffalo sucked as Bruce) the first Hulk was just an all around mess.”

      Again, another case of an arthouse film director doing an action film.

      Ang Lee did the first “Hulk” movie, and I still have no idea why. Good thing he went back to what he did best (See: “Brokeback Mountain”).

      However, I won’t be too hard on him. After all, he did “Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon”- a movie almost everyone is still trying to copy!

      Reply ↓

  51. Charlies Angels: I fell asleep.
    Kill Bill: I walked out of the room.
    Sex and the City 2: Ridiculous. It’s hard raising kids and you are a stay at home mom with a nanny and millionaire husband. Shut up.
    Prometheus: *smh*

    Reply ↓

  52. 1) signs by that m.Knight shamma something dude
    2) Yesterday, boredom got me and I landed n VH1 (strike 1) and saw Honey 2 (strike 2-100). *sigh* I must ask God for forgiveness on wasting precious time he has given me watching that. I can never get those 2 hours back, and for that….my soul weeps

    Reply ↓

  53. the crazy thing is as soon as i read the title of todays post i instantly thought of matrix evolutions

    they took one of my top 5 favorite movies (the 1st matrix) and basically turned it to doo doo..

    G.I joe was pure uncut fuqkery.. i saw it on bootleg and couldn’t even finish it.

    and if i could nerd out for just a moment…..transformers was more about shia labouf running than actual robots. in the 3rd movie, optimus prime gets maybe a total of 15 minutes of screen time.

    Reply ↓

    • I’m gone need for everyone to fall back on the Transformers series. Here is my thing about going to the movies, I am there to be entertained. Depending on the movie, I will set my self up for what i am supposed to like. I went in to see sh!t getting blown up and visual awesomeness when I sat down at Transformers. Bay delivered.

      The same thing with Avatar. The movie’s plot sucked major balls but I wanted to see the visual hype which I got.

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    • I thought GI Joe would’ve been ok if it was not a GI Joe movie…take away the fact it has nothing to do with the toy/cartoon get better younger actors and theres potential for a franchise

      Reply ↓

    • O_o there was a 3rd Transformers movie? The second one was so bad imo because they tried to make it a romantic action movie. In the middle of a fight scene Megan Fox and Shia would be recieting sonnets and sh*t.

      Reply ↓

      • “there was a 3rd Transformers movie?”

        LOL, you should know that. It was half action movie, half modeling photo shoot. With that being said, I love the franchise.

        Reply ↓

      • the 3rd was pretty decent and the action wasn’t as headache inducing as the first two.
        also i saw it in imax 3d which was an experience.
        but i grew up on transformers in the 80′s so far us it was a religion.
        my biggest beef with the movies is that it’s actually not about the transformers. it was all about sam.

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  54. The Royal Tenenbaums. Fcuk you Ben Stiller & Owen Wilson. Luckily, I didn’t see it in the theater. I rented it. I didn’t finish.

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  55. I don’t have any movies to add. But I will say that I HOLLAR’D while reading this. As usual, the decision to read this blog at work was a near fail. Took all I had to contain the guffaw that kept trying to escape!

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  56. - A bunch of superhero/comic movies. We all know the usual list: Spider-Man 3, Ghost Rider, Schumacher’s Batman (which doesn’t even deserve to be italicized), etc. But Watchmen really pissed me off because it followed the comic literally panel-for-panel… except in the important parts. They omitted the last confrontation between Veidt and Dr. Manhattan, including (in my mind) possibly the most important line of the book: “nothing ends, Adrian. Nothing ever ends.”

    - Any non-science fiction movie that introduces time travel as a plot device out of nowhere is automatically one of the worst ever. Yes, I’m looking at you, Déjà Vu.

    - The Phantom Menace. I think I was 11 when this came out. Y’all don’t understand how big of a Star Wars nerd I was… I knew the movies, I played the video games and knew all the ship specs and stuff, I read a bunch of the books… this movie single-handedly killed all of that. There was nothing good about it. I have never in my life left the movie theater so disgusted. This movie honestly destroyed my childhood. I’m really not even kidding.

    - I know we said to leave out bad movies that we knew were gonna be bad, but can we put movies that were even worse than we imagined? I knew Graffiti Bridge was going to be bad just because it was a Prince movie, but man… I thought it’d be one of those that’s bad and funny, like Under the Cherry Moon (which gets a bad rap – this movie is hilarious). Not only does this movie make no sense at all, but I’m pretty sure there are plays at middle schools in Minneapolis with better production value than this.

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    • “A bunch of superhero/comic movies. We all know the usual list: Spider-Man 3, Ghost Rider”

      If Marvel was smart they would insert a panel into a comic showing Ghost Rider, Spidey, and Daredevil talking about how horrible some of their films were.

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    • Spider-Man 3 is up there with Evil Dead 1 and 2 as the best movies Sam Raimi has ever made. Watch it again, but instead look at it from the angle that Raimi is trolling the audience (and the studios). It is absolutely intentionally hilarious.

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    • “Watchmen” wasn’t what I thought it would be, but I think even trying to take that on as a film was pretty ambitious. The film wasn’t great, but I’m not totally mad at it.

      Reply ↓

    • Oh wait, how could I forget Iron Man 2? Because it was terrible, that’s why. I was so hyped for this because the first one was great. They tried to make every single character quick-witted and sarcastic like Robert Downey Jr. was in the first one, and it was just irritating and didn’t work. On top of that, the film in the theater kept cutting out, and they gave us a free movie ticket (which I used to go see Inception – this was the only good thing about that day).

      I hate myself for paying to see this movie.

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  57. Man. This place will make you feel bad for a second for actually liking Vanilla Sky and The Celtics. Am I the only guy/person in the world that likes that movie?

    Vanilla Sky is a little weird but once you let go and swallow the red pill there is a pretty good message their about owning ones choices. It’s like part two of Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind, another movie that I’ve gotten a hard time for liking.

    And give Paul a break. He and Kevin Durant use the same razor.

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  58. 1. The Blind Side–All time worst movie ever made in the history of movies.
    2.Where the Wild Things Are—I loved this book so much as a kid. The movie was literally the biggest disappointment of my adult life. Boring and disturbing at the same damn time.
    3. The International–I fell asleep in the theater. Snoring and all

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  59. There needs to be a separate category for “Movies You Thought Were Fantastic When You Were Younger, But Now You Realize They Were Stupid.”

    My pick? Disorderlies, starring The Fat Boys. I used to love that movie, but now I want to punch myself every time I get the urge to watch it.

    Reply ↓

    • “Movies you thought were fantastic when you were younger”

      Cry Freedom ( My mum/step mum were both Denzel fans)
      Goonies
      Back to the future (Offically Wednesday was the acutal day and still no boards)
      Bedknobs and Broomsticks
      The Outsiders
      The Colour Purple (apart from the singing parts, I prefer the book)
      Mannequin…seriously!!!!

      Reply ↓

      • “The Outsiders”

        What?? The Greasers vs. The Socs (aka Soashes)? Ponyboy Curtis, Dally, Soda? The rumble in the park? Stevie Wonder’s song “Stay Gold”? This movie was GREAT!

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      • The Colour Purple

        No ma’am I’m sorry, you don’t seem to be following. The topic is the WORST movies of all time. Plus, we here in Amurica (George Bush voice) spell “color” without the “u”. Thank you kindly.

        Reply ↓

      • the GOONIES!? really as a grown man i still want to be a gooney.

        the outsiders is classic son! so is rumble fish

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    • “There needs to be a separate category for “Movies You Thought Were Fantastic When You Were Younger, But Now You Realize They Were Stupid.”

      Howard the Duck
      Neverending story
      PeeWee’s Big Adventure

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  60. It was hard to come up with this list because a lot of movies that make the cut aren’t really surprising. So here are the few that surprised me with their sucktasticness:

    1) Splice – Had no idea what it was about and then it became this really weird, awkward ish. I was mad and also disturbed.

    2) You Don’t Mess With the Zohan – I don’t know why I thought this would be a funny movie but I did. I’m still shocked that my friends and I didn’t walk out of the theater.

    3) Norbit – Everyone swore up and down this was hilarious. I still can’t name anyone other than Norbit.

    4) Jumping the Broom – Everyone’s already listed reasons why this movie sucked.

    5) The Last Airbender – Too many reasons but here are a few: They mispronounced Aang’s name THE ENTIRE TIME. It was WAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY off-base when it came to the source material (ESPECIALLY the Firebenders not making fire with their hands. -___- ) And a little kid yelled out “That sucked!” when it ended. That, above all else, qualifies it as a sucktastic movie. Out of the mouth of babes, I tell you.

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    • The Last Airbender was lame. I tend to like superhero/comic movies regardless, but it sucked. I really wanted it to be good. A friend said I didn’t get it because I hadn’t seem the original cartoon (comics?).

      Reply ↓

      • Naw it was just lame. The cartoon was MUCH better (one of Nickeledeon’s few gems post Rugrats/Hey Arnold era) and the new sequel series is amazingly good as well. Your friend was just wrong. But you should check out the series though!

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  61. Worst movies ever?

    All the movies left on Netflix streaming… BOOM, HEADSHOT!

    My cell has a password.

    And the cop dude was trying to get a NON-cop job (less dangerous) per Jill Scott’s character’s wish.

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  62. MANNNNNN, “Why Did I Get Married Too”, yo???

    So, I actually copped this movie on Netflix because I wasn’t eager enough to see it in theaters but eager enough in that I wanted to see what continued drama happened with the characters from the first one. From where they left off. Curiosity is a mofo.

    Why?

    That effing ENDING. WTF was that. It felt like Tyler was like “WELP! I ran outta film so I’mma just end it here? K? K.” And so it was.

    Reply ↓

    • LMBO…it was pretty stoopid and as much as I love the Rock….the closing scene was so corny….a flaming hot mess with a splash of fresh garbage juice.

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  63. Good ol’ TP’s films would occupy all 5 spots on my top 5 list. Doesn’t matter which films are in which spots, because the stories and movie titles are pretty much interchangeable (with the exception of For Colored Girls…he didn’t write that, but it’s still VERY similar to the stories he writes). And on a side note, since yet another Madea movie is coming out…didn’t he say that he was retiring her as a character? And on yet another side note…what happened to that Wedding Planner movie with Kim K in it? Did he decide that the backlash just wasn’t worth it?

    Reply ↓

    • Hey Boo!! I’ve missed you where have you been???

      The Wedding Planner movie is still happening, coming out in 2013.

      I don’t hate Tyler Perry as much as 82% of VBS seems to. Don’t love him either though. If appealing to the lowest common denominator makes you crazy successful, then hate the player not the game. Ask Sarah Palin.

      Reply ↓

      • Well hello there, ma’am. I’ve been here and there, lurking and laughing from the shadows of the site.

        On the subject of TP…I don’t hate him personally. It’s the use of the same stereotypical characters that irks me more than most things I’ve experienced in my time on this Earth. In that ‘Madea’s Happy Family’ movie…”Byrannnnnnnnn…..nnnnnnn…..nnnnnn!!!” That one word had me ready to fight because it was so annoying. And for bonus points, my ex-wife had me watch ‘Why Did I Get Married?’…in return, I had her watch ‘Diary of A Tired Black Man.’ Good times ensued.

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  64. Leonard Part VI is the all time worst film, period. Bill Cosby was trashing the film Himself during the obligatory promotional rounds. Don’t take my word for it though; please see it (misery loves company)

    I thought Prince couldn’t do worse than Under the Cherry Moon. Graffiti Bridge by a nose.

    Reply ↓

    • This isn’t fair. Under the Cherry Moon was SO funny, whether intentional or not. Everything from the wrecka stow to “are you afraid of bats?” was hilarious. And the scene near the end where Prince goes to the back of the car, puts his sunglasses on, and says nothing for like five minutes is like one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen in a movie.

      Graffiti Bridge had nothing. Absolutely nothing. The best thing about that movie was the trailer, where Prince was credited twice.

      Reply ↓

      • @ P. ,
        It’s so fair! I really don’t think it was his intent to be funny in the ways that it made some folks laugh. Purple Man just thought he could be a better director than the original director Mary Lambert. But really, P’s movies are the undercard the Leonard part VI, the undisputed champ. If you want to howl and/or hurl socks at your tv, that’s your film

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  66. 1. Red Tails – I loved the HBO’s “Tuskegee Airmen” and for some reason fell into the hype that the all black cast movie will die if I don’t see it. I nearly fell asleep and was bored to tears. I was glad to get out of that theater when it was over.

    2. The Hangover – I didn’t laugh once through that movie. I chuckled maybe twice. I was super salty that I paid money to see that stinker of a flick.

    3. Pretty much any movie from the 80′s now…

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  69. I still can’t get that copy of Vanilla Sky out my house. I’m still mad I paid $3 for that sh*t out of the bargain bin at wally world back in the day. Should have been my 1st indication that the movie was going to be a colossal waste of time.

    Top 4
    1. Hoe azz Vanilla Sky
    2. Who Made the Potatoe (yes, they misspelled that ish) Salad?
    3. G
    4. Showgirls

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  70. The majority of BET’s made to TV films. That gotdamn “Preacher’s Kid” movie with Letoya Luckett…

    *shots fired*

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  71. My Tyler Perry rant:

    I can’t think of Tyler Perry without thinking of every black adult I heard utter a single word about the state of black movies in the 90s. Every single conversation shared the theme of “why can’t we have black movies where we aren’t portrayed as thugs” or “why aren’t there more black movies out there”. If Tyler Perry is anything, he’s prolific and positive. You’re welcome. Do I like his movies? Not really. But I don’t like most mainstream movies, and Tyler Perry is mainstream, and like most mainstream directors he is providing his particular strain of opiate to the masses, it just happens to be black.

    The only thing he’s really guilty of is being black and producing the same level of crap that the rest of Hollywood does. Does he appeal to the lowest common denominator? Yes. Does he resort to the same stable of black cliches that paint us as either crackheads or or violent thugs? Na. Compared to most popular black cinema, he actually portrays a wider, more realistic range of black society than most other popular black films which tend towards either the hood tragedy sub-genre or the materialistic urban professional bourgeoisie meme.

    I probably wont ever be a huge fan of his work because of my personal tastes (bit of a movie snob), but I can’t bring myself to see him as pariah the way a lot of people do. His only real crime is treating black film as “mainstream” (with all the good and bad associated with it) instead of a niche industry. Ostracizing him is in essence marginalizing black culture. Why can’t we make sappy mainstream movies?

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    • (Stinking iPad messed up my comment–first world problems.)

      To recap: I’m also indifferent to TP, but he does use stereotypes in his films:

      1) Dark-skinned women are down to earth and just looking for a “good man”; light-skinned women are stuck-up and need to be put in their place.

      2) Said good men are always blue-collar, while white-collar men will leave yo *ss for a (near) white girl.

      3) People do bad things because of trauma, not because they are evil sacks of sh*t.

      Number 3 is common outside of TP, but 1 and 2 can be damaging stereotypical portrayals if they’re in every d*mn movie. That said, TP’s mediocrity comes out of the fact that he’s unable to write outside of his own limited experience. I certainly don’t think he’s singlehandedly orchestrating the demise of black film.

      Reply ↓

      • I don’t know enough about Tyler Perry movies to give a run down of all the actresses that played who in his movies, so I can’t refute #1, but I don’t remember any of the characters strictly looking for a good man in any of the one’s I’ve seen. They all had to come around to understanding that a man’s worth was outside of his wallet.

        He may go overboard on that theme, which could explain your 2nd point, but I do remember some cats with money still being OK guys in his movies. He always cameos as a well to do nice guy in his own films.

        I’m not sure if its fair to say that Tyler Perry doesn’t imply that the event’s in People’s lives don’t shape their behavior in his movies, I would even say the opposite. Their past always comes up and gives a glimpse into their behavior. But in general, some people are really sacks of Shia Labeouf.

        Don’t ever make me have to defend Tyler Perry ever again.

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    • Before we go any further, face it. When they made LOVE JONES they broke the mold, seen the mountain top, crossed the burning sands, and went into the light. I.E. TP is not the problem, it’s the WWJD crowd that is enabling him.

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    • Ditto! I agree with you too. Do you know when you first heard of MEDEA? I do. The bootleg video guy was ask if he had MEDEA and I had to ask what is MEDEA? Well, someone came me MEDEA (the play)to watch and I was cracking up, at last we can laugh at ourselves, fubu.
      I don’t know why we slice and dice each other when there is not that many who plow thier way through to success. Tyler Perry has been very successful and able to call the shots. And, he is hiring other Blacks that I perceive as folks that may not have made it without Tyler Perry. For example, Lamman Rucker is from my nieghborhood and he has been working alot lately due to Tyler Perry.

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  72. So, this thing about Why Did I Get Married Too being the best get out of jail free card is completely true.

    I was one of those women who, much like the fourth profile of the “professional” from yesterday’s post, had only ever argued the virtues of Tyler Perry in regards to blacks business. Thus, I went to the movies to support the black actors, grips, technicians, etc. that Tylaer was emplying when no one else was. (Except the hair folks. I didn’t think a presumably black hair team could come up with wigs and weaves that friggin terrible.)

    Anyway, after seeing The first Why Did I Get Married, and Precious (which has its own issues, but I had a friend in it so I supported) it was starting to look like everything that Tyler was touching was no longer absolute garbage. In other words, as long as Madea was nowhere near, it looked like he was actually growing as a filmmaker from “this should have gone straight to DVD” to “Regal gave me a free ticket so I might as well use it on this” to “this might actually get played on TV in syndication.”

    Let me make my point:
    Because I had to continue to prove the virtues of TP to my boyfriend, and I had to prove that the films were actually getting better, I took-actually, I stole his phone until he relinquished and agreed to go with me-to see “Too.”.

    5 minutes in I started hanging my head in shame. I begged for us to leave to save myself the embarrassment. His response? “I paid over $20 and stood in line and NOW you want to leave? No, we’re going to sit here, you’re going to keep your foot in your mouth, and I’m going to hold it against you for the next two weeks. Hope it was worth it.”

    It was not.

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  73. Eat, Pray, Love with Julia Roberts

    I watched all of that movie annoyed and decided to tap out with about 15 minutes left. I couldn’t relate to this woman. I didn’t understand what was missing or wrong with her life that she took a trip to a year…and all I could think about was this woman sitting around stewing about her life when clearly she’s doing well enough to be on vacation for a year! I guess it is supposed to inspire middle aged white women, but it actually made me not like character.

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    • “decided to tap out with about 15 minutes left.”

      hA! I tried to listen to the book on tape (out of curiosity of what had all my female friends going crazy- one actually quit her job and went to Thailand to take yoga classes and gain yoga certifications…and never be a yoga instructor). I had to stop listening after a few chapters. The author is so condescending and reeking of white privilege that I kept having the urge to throw something (representing her) off my balcony.

      Anywhoo, that movie- like the book- is a bunch of contrived b.s. The author tries to paint herself as a woman who threw caution into the wind and followed her heart, when in fact, she had a $200,000 book advance from her publisher before she even went on the trip- and that’s how she financed it- and forced the story. But yet thousands of women took from this story an inspiration or temptation to flee their current lives of security for the unknown…So glad that circus is over.

      …but then I’ve been hearing about something called “50 Shades of Gray…”

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    • That’s how I felt about the book. 30 pages in and I felt it was one of the most narcissistic, self-indulgent pieces of writing I’ve ever read.

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  74. WHERE is Panama Jackson? This conversation is missing something without his comments on horrible movies we’ve seen.

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  75. Well, I guess I’ll add one film to the list. I usually like black indie films, but this one was just crazy: Black Devil Doll from Hell. It was made in the 80′s and I think I was in middle school when it came out. My big cousin and his friends discovered it and watched it because it involved chex. They kept trying to get me to leave the room. A “sanctified” woman is brought to orgasm by a ventriloquist dummy that’s been possessed by an evil spirit. Seriously.

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  76. I actually liked Vanilla Sky a lot.

    Now Source Code should have made this list. That POS movie literally angered me. I was livid I paid to watch that garbage.

    Prometheus was horrible too. Nice special fx though.

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  79. I don’t usually remember the names of the bad movies until I see them on the television and then I remember, Oh, yeah, that movie s*cks! I mentioned already Snakes on a Plane. What a DUMB movie.

    But, I ordered a DVD a couple of days ago, It’s Complicated, and a friend and I are supposed to have a movie night this weekend. I saw this movie on HBO for the first time when I was in a hotel room like at 2am. I DIED laughing at the part where Meryl Streep gets high and meets Steve Martin at the door with this HUGE piece of chocolate cake. I just know I woke people when I was screaming laughing. The entire ‘smoking weed scene’ up until they leave the party is HILARIOUS!

    So, yeah, my peeps, I’m all excited about movie night! :D

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  80. Love for Sale – Jason Weaver, Mya, and a bunch of other black “actors” …just dreadful. My brothers actually watched the entire thing and defended its merits.

    Baby Genuises – Makes me mad thinking about it 13 years later.

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  81. Champ, leave Lupe alone. I had “All Black everything” on repeat today. He can get a little preachy, but others get a whole lotta ignorant and catch little flack for it. As far as movies, Leonard part VI must stay on repeat in hell and Hot Shots part deux has the honor of being the only movie i’ve ever fallen asleep during while at the theater.

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  84. The lab I used to work in had a horrible movie watching night. We’d rent old summer blockbusters and watch them in the conference room on the drop-down screen, crack open a 24-pack of PBR, and heckle the heck out if the film. Good times.

    Some of the featured films were
    * Street Fighter, starring Jean Claude Van Damme
    * Time Cop, starring JCVD (he was in heavy rotation for bad film night)
    * Eascape from New York, starring Kurt Russel
    * Face/off, featuring the odd pairing of John Travolta and Nicolas “More Bizarre Than Increasingly Bizarre Chris Brown” Cage

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  86. What? I loved Vanilla Sky (Abre los ojos)! Spanish films and novels tend the have the same theme – it will give you a headache but it’s good stuff. :o P

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  89. I am so happy to see Vanilla Sky recognized as what it is – an evil abortion of a movie that would take more then one flush to get rid of!

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  90. I use Vanilla Sky as an intelligence barometer. Invariably, the low-intellect viewer says “That was stupid; I don’t get it!” And they rage on and on.

    Seriously, it’s not that difficult. Dude signs up for cryogenic freezing after his death. Gets in accident and gets screwed up. Kills himself. The “lucid dreaming” option glitches and his cryo-dream becomes a nightmare. it becomes obvious when Sophia and Julia switch back and forth in the same scene.

    When Tech Support intervenes and gives him the choice of continuing on with pleasant dreams or getting his body fixed and waking up in the future, he chooses waking up.

    The End. You are dumb.

    Reply ↓

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