***Posted in anticipation of “Madea Witness Protection” hitting theaters today, and possibly getting a spot on the list***
While watching “Why Did I Get Married Too”Â the other night, I was overcome with a smorgasbord of different feelings and emotions (amazement, itchiness, pride, embarrassment, and hunger to name a few), but one was a bit more prominent than the rest: regret.
You see, since I don’t really go to the theater that often, millions of people had already seen it by the time I got around to seeing it on cable. And this (â€œmillions of people had probably already watched itâ€œ) meant that all of the snarky comments and critiques I had about the hilariously contrived characters, the awkward attempts at â€œreal male dialogue,â€œ the fisher-price plot twists, Lou Gossett Jr.â€™s schizophrenic island accent, and Tyler Perryâ€™s airport man switch had probably been discussed, written, tweeted, and blogged about already (case in point), and I regretted that I hadnâ€™t watched the movie sooner so I could have been in on all the fun.
How bad was this movie? Let me put it this way: Being coerced into watching Why Did I Get Married Too is the best get out of jail free card a man could ever have. Like, if you watched it with your girl yesterday and your girlâ€™s birthday was next week but you completely forgot about it because you had been too busy helping your ex-girlfriend paint her kitchen, you could just say â€œI guess weâ€™re even nowâ€ and you would be.
While Why Did I Get Married Too was definitely bad, was it bad enough to crack my list of the five worst movies ever? Lets see.
***For clarityâ€™s sake, in order to make this list, the movie has to have had some sort of expectation of quality. For instance, although I Got the Hook Up and Glitter were definitely terrible movies, they donâ€™t qualify because nobody in their right mind thought theyâ€™d be any good. Iâ€™ve named this the â€œShannon Tweed Tenetâ€***
Principals: Tom Cruise, Penelope Cruz, Cameron Crowe, Cameron Diaz
Plot: Iâ€™ve seen it three times and I still have no f*cking clue.
Why it makes the cut: Not only is Vanilla Sky the worst movie ever made (Yes. It is. Any other movie youâ€™d put in its place would be wrong. Accept this and move on.), it might be single worst thing ever done in any context. Itâ€™s worse than the Potato Famine, the Rodney King verdict, Paul Pierceâ€™s beard, medium rare chicken nuggets, the Tuskegee experiment, Warren G. Hardingâ€™s presidency, and the projected future of Antonio Cromartieâ€™s kids. There are plagues with more positive attributes than Vanilla Sky. There are albino cockroaches with more redeeming qualities. Calling it a shitty movie would be an insult to turds everywhere. An aardvark rapes a puppy every time this movie is watched.
Principals: Billy Bob Thornton, Tony Cox, Lauren Graham, Bernie Mack, Brett Kelly
Plot: Billy Bob Thorntonâ€“Santa Claus, a con man, and an assholeâ€“meets the dumbest eight year old on the planet.
Why it makes the cut: There have been worse movies, but Bad Santa deserves special recognition for the potential of what it could have been. Thereâ€™s no reason in hell why a movie with such a funny and entertaining premise (and funny and entertaining actors) should be so unfunny and aggressively unentertaining.
And, while Iâ€™m usually a fan of vulgarity, watching this was like watching a kindergarten choir recite the lyrics to â€œPut it in Ya Mouth.â€ Actually, it was worse. It was like watching a kindergarten choir recite the lyrics to â€œPut it in Ya Mouthâ€ while the 2nd grade student aid is breaking the teacherâ€™s back on the piano.
The Matrix Revolutions
Principals: Keanu Reeves, Carrie-Anne Moss, Laurence Fishburne, The Wachowski Brothers, Hugo Weaving
Plot: Neo is an unstoppable combination of Jesus, Beatrix Kiddo, and Clyde Drexler. Wait, no he isnâ€™t. Wait, yes he is. (For real this time)
Why it makes the cut: While the series had a great beginning, it ended with two and a half hours of preachy and overproduced pseudo-intellectual pretentiousness. Basically, it was exactly like a Lupe Fiasco album.
Principals: Michael Bay, robots, and some other motherf*ckers
Plot: Good and evil robots stage a bunch of battles on Earth to see how many different ways sweat can drip off of Megan Foxâ€™s slow-motion bouncing boobs
Why it makes the cut: Along with being completely incomprehensible (During the fight scenes, you couldnâ€™t tell which robots you were supposed to be rooting for, and once you figured that out you couldnâ€™t tell if they were winning. Couldnâ€™t they just have gone shirts and skins or something?) and surprisingly racist, this remains the only movie Iâ€™ve ever seen that actually induced physical pain. I left the theater with a migraine, an earache, burning eyes, a bloody nose, and somehow even managed to grow a genital wart.
Why Did I Get Married Too
Principals: A bunch of n*ggas you already know
Why it makes the cut: Should have been marketed as a science-fiction flick because it contained at least 25 major scenes and plot points that could have never, ever, ever, ever happened on this Earth we currently inhabit. For the sake of time, Iâ€™ll only name
1. Troyâ€™s inability to find a job, despite the fact that he was a f*cking 6â€™4â€ black police officerâ€¦in Atlantaâ€¦with experience!!! Recession or not, do you know how many d*cks a big city chief of police would suck if he knew he could hire a 35 year old 6 foot 4 black cop with experience? Let me answer that for you. seven. Trust me, if you live in a big city, your chief of police and your mayor would definitely suck seven d*cks each to get a person like Troy on their police force. I hope that helps you sleep better tonight.
2. Gavin dying after his $100,000, â€œspecifically built for the race trackâ€ car was hit on the passenger side by a truck going 13 miles per hour.
3. The entire subplot around the cellphone password, despite the fact that cellphones donâ€™t have f*cking passwords. While you may need to enter a password if youâ€™re trying to check your voicemail from another line, if you actually physically have the phone, all you have to do is touch it. Itâ€™s like sitting on someoneâ€™s porch while their door is wide open but begging them for a key. Or something like that.
Anyway, people of VSB, any additions? What are the worst movies youâ€™ve ever seen?
â€” Damon Young (aka The Champ)
Hey VSBers, your help is needed. Some of my friends at Bohemian Caverns in DC have asked for my help to get the word out. I used to manage at this spot and it’s a second home for me. So when they asked for my help, I couldn’t say no even if I wanted too. So peep game. If you could kindly go and vote for Bohemian Caverns for me, it would be greatly appreciated. The hope here is to help procure a grant to raise money. Voting just keeps Bohemian Caverns in contention to be one of the small businesses that gets a chance to compete for the grant. There’s no obligation or anything aside from the short time it takes to click the link. Thanks in advance. And if you can’t do it, thanks for reading anyway. – VSB P aka Panama Jackson aka Giiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirl He A 3