Many moons ago I wrote a post entitled, “The Most Backhanded Compliment of All Time”. The premise? There were so many single women out there because most women made for a good option, therefore, men had a hard time discerning which women to choose from since, well, the status quo was “good women”. Being a good woman didn’t make you special because well, the default for most women was “good woman”. Yeah I caught some flack for that, but I still think its true.
You gets no cookie for knowing how to bake cookies.
I had a girlfriend once tell me that part of the value she brought to my life was that she cooked for me. I looked at her like she had three boobs (she didn’t) and said, “you think THAT makes you special? I haven’t had a single girlfriend who DIDN’T cook for me? The non-cooking woman is a myth in my life. Every woman I know and have dated has cooked and cooked well.”
And it’s true. Moving on, there is another backhanded compliment that I’m sure gets uttered on a near daily basis in clubs, libraries, speakeasies, dressing rooms, and Delta 100-year parties happening in DC this weekend:
“Why are you single?”
On it’s face, it shouldn’t be a problem, but it is. Which leads to the question, is it inappropriate to ask anybody why their single?
Pretty much…yes.
This is (usually) one of those backhanded compliments intended to flatter but reminds the person that they are indeed single and implies that it is somehow their fault (it likely is at least partially their fault, but we’ll get to that later) or their choice. So while it’s not exactly inappropriate because of its intent, the execution of said question will always skew negatively and thus, it is probably inappropriate because it never has a positive outcome.
Let’s start with “implies that their singledom is their own fault.” Now, most people would argue that they are single for various reasons that aren’t of their own doing i.e. can’t find a (wo)man they get along with, opposite sex plays too many games, etc. Basically, their options have been more frog, less prince. And it’s not your fault if he or she who thee have come into contact with have been low on the quality totem pole. You can’t control who you meet, only where you meet them and there’s no guarantee that you’ll meet quality where you assume quality resides. You can mostly only up your chances. And that’s not their fault. You meet who you meet and how those persons handle that responsibility is not your fault.
True.
It also implies that its their choice to be single – where the offense usually comes in – when in reality, most women you ask this are as surprised as you are that they are single since they want to be in a relationship and see exactly whatever it is that you saw that made you ask such an inappropriate question! While I’ve met a few women who have told me straight up that they want to be single, the vast majority would rather be coupled up. As far as men go? Well, many men wish death upon me are okay with being single until meet a woman who its worth typing a text to this girl they used to see, telling her that he chose a cutie pie with whom he wants to be. You know, because while he’d hate to see her frown, he’d rather see his new girl smile. Point is, asking why somebody is single implies choice, and a choice most of us likely wouldn’t make. Which, again, leads back to them being as surprised as you are that they are single.
Basically, they realize they are the cats meow because you realize they are the cats meow. However, that has nothing to do with how they ended up single. Those types of questions usually arise after some sort of interesting conversation or discovery that this person is super cool because of xyz. Chances are, if we were to dig into the relationship pasts of most folks, we’d be able to surmise and determine various reasons why said person who covets a relationship is single. Some of their own doing, some the doing of their lovers past.
There’s another factor here that often comes into play: I’d wager that about 9 times out of 10, a man is asking this of a woman, which has to be completely frustrating for the woman. Standing in front of you is a man who has not only determined that you are a catch, enough to not only wonder why you are single, but enough to voice this confusion to you out loud…
…and then likely move on to the life he was leading before you two met. I don’t know that I’ve ever met a woman who told me she met her boyfriend after a conversation where the dude she was talking to inquired as to why she was single. Not saying it can’t or doesn’t happen, I’m just saying I’ve never heard that story before.
Which leads to this other point – men ain’t stupid. See, if we get to the point where we vocalize – externally – to you that we’re surprised that you’re single, to which you’ll likely shrug after the pseudo annoyed look on your face dissipates, we are going to ask ourselves this same question (internally), except putting the emphasis on the “why” and not the “you”, thus making us think if you were such a catch, you’d be caught since there’s a really good chance that you’re looking to be fried and fricasseed.
It’s the same principle that I’ve heard many women express upon meeting a man who is over 35 and either hasn’t been married before or has no children. Something has to be wrong with him. Either he has commitment issues or is gay. Or doesn’t know what he wants out of live, etc. None of which has to be true, but some of which could be true. Who knows? The guy could be perfect on paper but once you go digging, you may find out exactly what “looks good on paper” and Notre Dame have in common.
Anyway, is it appropriate to ask somebody why they’re single? Why or why not? Of is it really just a backhanded compliment that should be kept to oneself?
Inquiring minds would like to know.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka PJANGO JACKSON aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3
ZOMG, this website is sexy.
It’s appropriate to ask if they legitimately are curious about the circumstances surrounding your singleness. The motive can be determined in the way they ask. “Ah… you’re single? If you don’t mind sharing, how did things end in your last relationship?”
But if they say in that same tone that they use when they say stuff like, “Let me guess. You MUST be a model! Gotta be!” …. Then you know it’s just lame. game.
Good post P.
thanks. you’re right. the way folks ask is definitely the best determiner.
Tears lol
I could say something about this, but I won’t. Why? Because the truth offends people…so I’ll just lie…
speak your mind PA…
Actually I would like to know your thoughts.
You are misrepresenting the great city of Auburn with your reluctance.
Speak on it, bruh.
vsb is overdue for one those 800+ in your feelings comment threads…spill it bruh
thanks for sharing. what you brought to the table was scholarly on so many levels. lol.
though i have to say, not only did you not say what you could have said, thus prompting the desired chorus of folks asking you what you would say…you ALSO didn’t lie.
So either offend us or lie, good sir. Doing neither when you said you’d do one or the other is nincompoopery.
I’m saying!!!!!
Here’s the thing, Panama. I generally avoid most posts on love and relationships, and I avoid talking about it in real life. The primary reason- as I have stated on numerous occasions- has a lot to do with how it’s approached. When I speak on anything, it’s usually from the perspective of thought as opposed to emotion. The trouble is that an overwhelming percentage of people who speak on it do so on an emotional level rather than a logical and thinking level. So when I say something that is basically along the lines of common sense, it’s always the folks who have been hurt and are bitter who would rather be offended and fire shots instead of taking a long hard look at themselves and the decisions they made in their dating history.
——————————————————————————————————–
The reason why I said I would rather lie is that some people would rather have their egos stroked than to admit their bad choices. Case in point: This 43 year old woman who I talk to on a regular basis got offended when I called her “bitter”. I did so because she wanted to lump all men in a box based on what one man did to her (She was cheated on and physically abused). So when I called her on her bullsh*t, she hated my guts because I stated the obvious instead if catering to her school of thought. Most people in this day and age would rather hear how much of a catch they are instead of being shown what flaws they have and how much they need to work on themselves before entering a romantic partnership. One would think common sense would prevail in the dating atmosphere, but as Chuck D. once said “Common sense isn’t always common”.
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The whole thing that bothers me about the question “Why are you still single?” is the whole “double standard” behind it. Sure a few women may find it annoying, but try asking that to a single man and watch what their reaction is. If a woman in my age group is still single, she’ll be percieved as being a “career woman”. If a man in my age group (such as myself) is still single, he would be referred to as being too picky, commitment phobic, gay and everything else known to man. Why can’t someone just enjoy life intead of being labelled, for once?
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Another thing that bothers me about the question is what I have stated before. I am surprised at the number of people- men and women- who would rather assign blame to another party instead of focusing on and working on themselves. That’s not rocket science- it’s plain sense. Sure, it’s easy for a person to point fingers rather than admit they are in need of a definite personality makeover, but not many people want to do that. So, what you get is a lot of hurt people being on that bullsh*t about why there’s not enough good (wo)men today, rather than focusing on self improvement. Looking inward admitting to yourself goes a long way folks, trust me on this.
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Sorry for my incessant ranting, Panama. I didn’t really want to speak on this at length, but someone needed to say it.
This wasn’t rambling. This was insightful.
Thanks, Asiyah.
I agree with you. I try to use logic when dealing with relationship selection now and then add emotions. Whats crazy is guys dont feel me on that. Then again, should I really expect most guys to think logically? While some women act on emotion, some men act on physical attraction.
Well d*mn…I guess PA finally took the d*mn bait lmao
Shocking, ain’t it? LMAO!!!!
“While some women act on emotion, some men act on physical attraction.”
This statement is why a lot of relationships tend not to last. When you base a relationship on something as fallacious as something superficial, things are bound not to end well.
Someone reading this somewhere is in their emotions about what you said….but it all seems fair to me.
I know. I’m just waiting for the backlash…
True.
But as you dish it out…
Can you take it?
Absolutely- I have no problem accepting criticism as much as I give it.
However, this is what people have to understand about constructive criticism:
Either they can use it to better themselves and their situation, or they can take it and make it out to be a pity party.
The choice is in all how one decides to handle it.
Not only did the church say Amen, but that statue of Jesus cracked a quick smile.
And then he said “Tabernacle”! LOL!
Not a rant, it was insightful, I don’t ask that question – because most women and men will recite chapter and verse of ESSENCE articles and Steve Harvey books generalizing themselves and everyone around them. Instead of saying, hey it just hasn’t work out for me yet, but I’m working on it.
“because most women and men will recite chapter and verse of ESSENCE articles
and Steve Harvey books generalizing themselves and everyone around them. ”
This is why I will ask the question.
“Instead of saying, hey it just hasn’t work out for me yet, but I’m working on it.”
And this is the answer I am usually waiting for.
“When I speak on anything, it’s usually from the perspective of thought as opposed to emotion. The trouble is that an overwhelming percentage of people who speak on it do so on an emotional level rather than a logical and thinking level.”
Well you know most women are feelers rather than thinkers #mbti Neither one is wrong. Just different.
I can’t say neither one is wrong- except when a person’s thoughts and judgements get clouded by their feelings.
Haaaa! love the shots fired at Notre Dame.
Guess I’m weird. I don’t necessarily think it’s appropriate, but I don’t think it’s inappropriate at all. I don’t think it’s a backhanded compliment. It’s more like a genuine question that comes from the same place that a compliment comes from…and last time I checked that was an upscale neighborhood.
I’d probably judge a person that got offended by that question as a particularly sensitive chick…Certainly not a deal breaker, but a red flag…
Say it with me- rollllllllll tiiiiiiiiide!!!
Is it inappropriate to ask a woman why she chose to get married? If not, I see no reason why asking a woman why she has chosen to be single is inappropriate, unless of course…
How often is the question, “why have you chosen to be single?” that’s not the question. the question is often, “why are you single?” which is due to some discovery of how awesome she is.
if she says i chose to be single and then you ask…well yeah, then asking why she chose to be single makese sense.
People ask men all the time why are they getting married.
Lol, if we were honest, we’d just say a lot of women don’t like questions that make them feel self-conscious, especially when it comes from men who might be attracted to them.
I think it would be really rude to ask someone why they chose to get married.
Why do you say that?
I don’t know, I just am trying to picture a conversation where I would say that and can’t imagine it not sounding really rude.
Funny. Marriage counselors ask engaged couples this question all the time.
Notre Dame must have missed their flight.
I don’t think it’s a backhanded compliment either. I think it’s a passive-aggressive dig at you and a way to remind you that a) you’re single and b) you’re not as special as you are because if you were you wouldn’t be single.
*not as special as you THINK you are
thats possible. hadn’t though of it like that, though i think the few times ive seen somebody say it, it was more in adoration than it was…some sort of reminder as to why they were single.
That’s what needs to stop. Don’t say it admoration. On sole principle of giving an unnecessary compliment. Why? She has men doing that all day. Try something different like…”I like that outfit, what made you wear it tonight”?…sounds corny but her answer, if positive would give you a way better introduction to her personality and thought process than the reason why she didn’t come with attached dyck.
I agree. Honestly the way it comes off to me when it is said? “Why are you single? [READ: Sooo....WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?]”
It just seems like the person asking the question is probing for your “flaw”. Kinda like the “unemployed” stigma. “If no one else wants you, why should I?”
It just makes me feel like the buyer is looking for a reason to get you on sale, if you catch my drift. Hence the reason I answer now, “It’s because I’m not in a committed relationship….with anyone I’m currently seeing. Oh, shoot, I’m late! Call you later, byeeeee”
I think it’s a fair question. Pretty straight forward. Plus, it allows the askee to state their case: Im dating, not dating, not looking for anything serious, looking for something serious, haven’t met the right person, focusing on career/school, ect.
I always say… “Because I am not in a relationship at the moment” Then I return the question.
Panama, didnt you answer this for someone over at guy speak? I can’t recall what you told her. So I guess my question is, how do YOU feel about it? Do you ever ask women this? Would you be annoyed if a woman asked you? Inquiring minds want to kno…
It’s possible, but hell, that could have been a while ago. I’ll revisit that this week. lol.
I’m not sure how I feel. I never ask anybody that question. Or at least I don’t ask it outloud.
And nobody has ever asked me that question.
Asking if you’re single isn’t necessarily offensive, especially if the person asking is trying to holla, or maybe a peer who’s just being nosy.
Offensive is the “why aren’t you married yet” questions, especially when they’re from someone 35+ who just got married for the first time their d*mn self.
Yeah I cant stand the why arent you married yet or when are you gonna have kids.
I really try to not ask people when they are going to have kids, because I try not to be an @sshole, but sometimes I wonder because I really want a baby to play with and hold and all of that, but without actually having another child of my own.
I think that is the motivation behind most of the “when are you going to have kids?” questions.
I feel you. There’s this unstated implication that its all just so easy to do. And its hard for everybody. Men and women. We get those questions too. Trust me.
It is almost as if the person asking the question is trying to tell you he/she is better than you right now.
Anybody who got married less than 1 year as no business asking anyone WHY AREN’T YOU MARRIED YET?
I don’t see anything wrong with the question. When I’m content on remaining single, I don’t ask it all. Because I honestly don’t give a sh*t. What matters now, is if you down for letting TUK aka Langston Huge aka Ballz Mclongdong do some spelunking. Of the vaginal kind.
– Even if I am romantically interested in a female and wish for more than lust, I don’t ask that often. But when I do, it’s genuine inquiry. That means I really find her fascinating and I’m curious as what led to be single and me lucky enough to meet her at this strip cl…ahem…Future Babyma…AHEM…Future Billionaires Club. Excuse me. D*mn cold.
– I also want to see where her mind is at so I can learn a bit more about her, and catch any early warning signs.
That way I can sleep easy at night knowing that she not gon’ throw Peen-Eating Pirahna in the hot tub I’m chillin’ in.
pff. this is sacred womb. MINE. [*squeezes my thighs shut*]
~~~~ i think the problem is the tone and the reasoning behind the question, along with the timing… i have been asked that question before and its ALWAYS shortly after an initial meeting, where the person knows nothing but the most superficial and non essential things about me… so i know he (and its ALWAYS a man asking this never a woman) is basing it on nothing of substance i.e. looks or flirting which has no bearing on how wonderful someone will be in a relationship if we are being honest here… it also comes off as NOT a compliment but him fishing for whatever my problem is that makes the men run for the hills…
~~~~ i think its truly a reflection of the man though, i have never met anyone that had something real develop with me actually ask me that… it seems immature to assume because a woman looks the way you like and can carry easy breezy conversation that she is a great compliment in a relationship and it shows me that he isn’t serious in his search… he is still looking for some chick that will fit in his cookie cutter “this is my girl right here” box.
~~~~ this is not to be confused with the real question of what happened in your last relationship in an effort to gather true deeper understanding of a person…
Cosign all dat.
+1
+100.2
Nailed it. And I like the line “this girl right here”. Mmm…validating status by using women as sex objects…*drool*
Awesome perspective, Yoles. Maybe I should see it this way too.
trudatizm. <~~~~ new religion.
Yoles FTW. You go girl.
Can always depend on my Yoles
While I think that the answer to “Why are you still single?” is obvious (I haven’t met a person that I want to marry yet.), most people are shocked by that answer and many are dissatisfied with it.
I think what they really want to know is “Do you have herpes?”
or the person im currently smashing wont commit
its an important question.
I think the question is inappropriate because what they really want to ask is “What’s wrong with you?” I always answer with slow blinks and “I haven’t met the person I’m suppose to be with”.
Since I’m single and not pressed to fix this “problem”, the next dumb a$$ question is “Don’t you want kids?” This question usually comes from family and some close friends….men don’t ask this question.
I must be bad because I just straight out ask a man who’s single “So… Whats wrong with you?” I add a little laugh but still wait for the response.
I think the question is fine depending on when you ask it. If you ask that question immediately after meeting the person then that’s a bit much, but if you wait until you two chill for a minute then it’s cool.
but then wouldn’t the answer be, “i’m single b/c you are taking too long to step up to hte plate?”
Good point Ms Vincy. I agree. And Petey that’s the reason I don’t ask it at that point. I expect a response like that
“Standing in front of you is a man who has not only determined that you are a catch, enough to not only wonder why you are single, but enough to voice this confusion to you out loud…
…and then likely move on to the life he was leading before you two met.”
That about sums it up. As someone who lost a bet at the end of 2011 and as a result had to create and actively use an online dating site for most of 2012, I’ve gotten the “why are you single” question a few times. Always in the first conversation / meeting, and always from someone who came across as only wanting the poon. The only serious dude I met was also the only one not to ask… too bad he felt the need to severely lie about his age. -.-
“too bad he felt the need to severely lie about his age. -.-”
I get this often especially online.. I don’t want to date my DAD…ugh! Sir it is 2013 please take down your yearbook pic from 1990 and stop telling women your 5 or even 10 years younger than your really are
lmao! Not the ’90s yearbook pic!
Though I SWEAR in one of the pics he took there was a guy in the background rocking a Kangol and a Karl Kani sweatsuit. Initially I just shrugged it off as that being someone’s old a$$ uncle, now I think it was one of his friends.
I can’t believe people actually do that. in some ways, i get it. you want to appear younger to get a younger chick, but its a lie that can’t sustain itself. at some point you’re gonna get busted and THEN you’re going to create hte doubt on other stuff.
Looks like someone’s been “catfished”
*snickers*
I’m the idiot who asked women in the past why they were single just to be complimentary. Now I know how dumb it was, which is probably why I’m still single.
lol…i still am that dumb one as well, but in my defense they just blush n sh t
I think if you’re really just trying to be complimentary you can say it in a non-question way, like “d@mn. I can’t believe you’re single.”
I take that as a compliment.
If you wanna be really smooth with it… add ‘i guess it’s my lucky day.’
that worked on you?
nothing works on her. ever.
You know me like that?
a lil bit.
No.
If you wanna be really smooth with it… add ‘i guess it’s my lucky day.’
lol touché, Secret Sauce
i’ve just always presumed the females i’m interested in, have a boyfriend/husband.
makes it easier to talk to ‘em, i guess.
It’s all in your delivery (tone) in how you ask her that question. In a flirtatious tone.. it can go over well with her she would be flattered and not take offense to it, if you come at her on some interrogation type vibe then yeah.. yuu can get shut down….
It’s all in your delivery man….
I had a girlfriend once tell me that part of the value she brought to my life was that she cooked for me. I looked at her like she had three boobs (she didn’t) and said, “you think THAT makes you special? I haven’t had a single girlfriend who DIDN’T cook for me? The non-cooking woman is a myth in my life. Every woman I know and have dated has cooked and cooked well.â€
^^^This is funny due to so much truth in it. This is a requirement but can be waived for sincere effort to learn.
i think i was with one girl who flat out didn’t cook, its 2013, u better google or facetime grandma (you know because according to apple every distant relative owns an ipad now)
The thing I don’t get about people who are just like “I don’t cook” is don’t they get hungry?
depends where and how you are raised, as well as what food means to you culturally. for example, you can easily make your life tax deductible by doing business over meals in New York. and when you have the kind of job that keeps you out of the house 12-14 hours a day, the last thing you are going to do is cook when you are home.
.
now that i quit my day job i find myself with limited funds and limitless time so i am up in the kitchen because finally, i have the desire and energy to try.
Also, I just realized it probably depends on what “cooking” means to you.
If I just came home from a really long day the first thing I would do is boil up a pot of pasta or turn the oven on so I could “cook” myself a frozen pizza.
This explains a lot.
yeah, i laughed when i had that convo. like…ninja please. that isn’t what makes you special. try again.
It’s funny because I ask girls why they think they’re such great catches and this is one of the reasons they give me. I just say “well you’re not the only one who cooks. Any other woman can do that for him. How does that make you special?” I know they think I’m saying this because I don’t cook, but seriously, how does that make them great catches lol
I mostly find it interesting b/c I know that I’ve often thrown “cooking” in the list of things I look for in a woman, but the truth is, I can’t think of a single woman I’ve dated seriously who couldn’t. And its not like they were cooking for me, they were cooking b/c they cook and like to eat and I came into the picture.
I’d created the myth in my head as well until I truly looked back on it. In fact, until I had that convo, I was prepared to be like, ‘yes, thats true, that does make a differnece’ then i was like, ‘hol up, that aint it.’
Now, to be fair, it came up in a conversation where the two of us where discussing what we thought we brough to the table, and what each of us actually felt the other person brought to the table. We were discussing expectations, etc. Pretty good convo.
So ( to Wild Cougar), I wasn’t questioning her value in an absolute way, it was apart of the conversation we were having where we both said what we thought we brought that was valuable to the other person adn why we were special.
i think the answer is a reflection of what women admire in themselves, and what they enjoy sharing with the people they love, and i dont see how there is any wrong answer to this question ..
.
i think the trigger phrase in this conversation is “being a great catch” as in, we are trying to impress other people, and ourselves, with a list of “estimable” assets. which is all kindsa so what, in the end, because the person who loves you loves you the good, the bad, and the ugly—so umm yeaa it kinda defeats the purpose of qualifying your existence to win points.
My dear Esa…I have to disagree here.
-
What makes a person a catch isn’t what they see in themselves, it’s the qualities others can see that make them favorable to be around. I find it enormously egotistical for someone to tell me petty adjectives that should profound describe why they are worthy of being in a relationship…when in all honesty, those adjectives mean nothing compared to the opinion of the people trying to get with them.
ohh ~ i was unclear. i didnt mean to answer what actually makes them a great catch to someone else. i meanm this is why they ~think~ they are a great catch. i mean to say, we flatter ourselves in our self image because, well, it feels good ~*~
That’s how you know dating rules are so out of date…to actually believe cooking a meal in 2013 is a good indicator of being worthy of a relationship.
That’s like saying be able to scratch your ass when it itches is worthy of getting a job because you’re attentive and pay attention.
Cooking is now a prerequisite like a MUG. You can’t even step on the field if you can’t cook a mean pot of greens in 2013. Kinda like giving blowjobs…you’re outdated if you don’t. They still MAKE you? (Chris Rock’s words)
Is it just me, or is dating for women like the SEC? You GOTTA be among the elite to compete.
It seems like us fellas got it so easy. We could not be sh!t, but still end up a with woman that has the complete package. Or at least get the poon. Women folk, is this really the case? Is a decent man really that hard to find? Or is it just that you would rather US find yall…
…I wanna hear it from the horse’s mouth.
Preach bruh.
Uh…shots fired?
Oh not at all. I gots no beef. It’s consecration.
All i’m saying is that it SEEMS so much easier for a man to find exactly what he wants in a woman. I mean we can NITPICK, and still probably find that woman exactly.
But it SEEMS (keyword) that this isn’t the case for women. I’m just wondering if it is because of traditional gender roles (the man being the pursuer), slim pickings, or a myriad of other things. I can assume all i want, but today i’m not gonna settle for the “men ain’t shit” response.
Now that you mentioned it, that is something to think about…
You said it. Traditional gender roles. What the hell is traditional about men and women in 2013? Not a damn thing. So that’s why some of these women stay losing…because they want to live in 2013 but systematically time travel to a man in 1632.
-
Not every man follows this logic…but quite a number of men are adjusting to the times and dealing with women accordingly.(of course we know plenty of dudes who still got archaic gender roles stuck in their heads too, looking for Aunt Jemima to be a freak in the bedroom, good luck with that).
Women have settled and men haven’t. It’s a generalization but it is true as well.
I disagree. Men have settled, but we did it for stupid, superficial reasons. Then through failure, we begin to see the error of our ways. That’s the only reason the spectrum shifted from men soley courting women for marriage to the idea of dating we have now, where you are game as long as you came with the right chips to play.
Yall don’t settle when it comes to wanting to get married the way that women seem to do. Y’all aren’t pressed is what i am saying. Women will settle for crap faster than a man will and the dude doesn’t even have to be on his A game. This “shortage of men” scandal has truly worked in y’alls favor.
Keyword: “seems”
Seems is the right word, because reality tells us that this isn’t true.
If you’re a guy, it’s easier to get sex than at anytime in history; yet, it’s harder to find a cool chick who brings synergy to the table. Synergy as in being likeable like one of the boys is what makes a guy stay in a relationship with a woman. Synergy is what prevents cheating, when temptation is making a case for infidelity. Synergy is what gives a guy the momentum to stay creative and romantic after being with a woman so long, he knows how many dents are in her booty. Women today think that if a guy loves them, he likes them as well. If only they knew how much men love them, but can’t stand being around them.
Women today think that if a guy loves them, he likes them as well
^^THIS SH!T RIGHT HERE.
Me and my fiancee talk about this often. I think the fact that we liked each other as people before lovers was what made me decide that she was the one. Cuz a good friend will be around when that @$$ deflates.
Not that @ss is bad or nothing. It’s just temporary.
Well I guess I’m an ipad 1st generation then because cooking is not one of my strong points..
– I do it, but I don’t love it.. Besides some men, particularly those who can cook themselves DO NOT even care if a woman can cook or not. This is a Fact!!!
Oh indeed! But you know what i realized?
I can’t ask you to cook if I can’t change oil or tires. It goes both ways!
I think the real offensive question is “What’s wrong with you? Why aren’t you married yet?” If I was in conversation with someone I’m interested in, I’d always simply asked “Are you in a relationship?” and tha follow up “So how long have you been single?” and usually if the answers are “no” and “x” amount of months or yrs, and she’s interested in you as well…she’ll tell you EXACTLY why.
Yeah, “what’s wrong with you?” is pretty much always offensive.
+1 Tx- I don’t ask the question, not because it’s inherently offensive, but because I don’t have to. When the topic comes up they’re usually pretty eager to explain why to u anyway
Just read an interesting blog by Ramit Sethi, Why won’t anyone be honest with you, http://www.iwillteachyoutoberich.com/blog/why-wont-anyone-be-honest-with-you/. It discussed how pretty much all dating advice for women skirts the hard truth: for them to get who they say they want, they need to change. No one wants to hear that the key to their disatisfaction might just be the person who stares back at them from a mirror. IMHO, if you say you want something & you don’t have it & aren’t building towards it, then, deep down, you don’t want it. Pretty much other things that are a given in your life are things you want and in turn have. Often it’s things like food, clothing, shelter. Basic. I say why many of us are single is that something is more important to us than being boo’ed up. Every time that thing faces the prospect of being coupled up, it wins. It could be something like being right. Shoot, it usually is. We need to be right that all men cheat, that no one will ever love me the way I need to be loved, that this is hard, that on and on…The mind will go to great lengths to prove itself right. I digress. Sethi’s piece is interesting b/c it points to self-improvement as the true barrier to fulfilment. I somewhat agree & take it further & say self exploration, self-awareness and humility are the true keys to the kingdom. Know yourself. Know what’s at stake. Know what’s in the way. Have the courage to battle yourself. There’s a prize on the other side.
I love your thinking. I think the reason why women won’t change is that men won’t give them a reason to. No matter how jacked up in the game a woman is mentally, unless she’s batsh1t crazy, busted or has some other major issue, there will be a dude or two running up in it and even willing to date her. Of course, they don’t want more, but they’ll just say whatever the password is to that punani, and homegirl is mystified as a result. These women end up having just enough rope to hang themselves with.
“No one wants to hear that the key to their disatisfaction might just be the person who stares back at them from a mirror.”
Some of us take that line of thinking to an extreme. Or maybe that’s what you mean by having the courage to battle yourself. Maybe your battle is to stop with the excessive self-blaming or with the excessive deflection of accountability and responsibility for your situation in life.
Do you realize you just said to get who you want you must change….
But then moment later said… self improvement is the barrier to fulfillment because yadda yadda yadda…
Stop all these self-help Kool Aid drinking.
From the womb to the moment we get a Tiger Beat to the line at the Grocery Store… to Oprah… Dr. Phil… Commericials….
Etc.
We are all told we are not good enough… we gotta do this and that and reform this and that.
Jesus… lacking motivation towards self-improvement is NOT a problem in the women community.
We are bashed over the head with it every day.
You know, I agree with this.
There’s a huge difference between Tiger Beat and Oprah and That Dude In Front Of You. If anything, comparing the two is a cop-out. Just because an aspiration people of media says you have to change in order to get somewhere, you aren’t going to listen to someone who you have a real chance of dealing with in every day life?
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Let me flip it around for you on the gender front, and you tell me what you think. Guys see in the media, pr0n, WSHH Candies and the likes all of these bad looking women as objects a man earned once he does the right things, however nebulous that term is. Now this dude gets a degree in something with some status, gets an entry level job, and thinks that Bubblez the Model should be his girl. The fact that no one like that is checking for him means that he has no need to fix his gear, move out his mama’s basement or develop a life outside of Black Ops tournaments on his XBox 360.
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Now you tell me, how much sense does that make to you?
That is not really the issue at play though with women.
Women are told first all the ways in which we are deficient…. before we’re told what the ‘reward’ is for conforming… ie. Prince Charming.
But it’s a trap.
Eight hours you spend trying to learn how to make your ass clap like the Twerk team is eight hours you aren’t reading a book or being worldly.
Some guys like Twerk girls with not much to say on world events. Some guys like to have an intelligent convo….
But time and resources are scarce…
So if you bend over backwards trying to be the ‘It’ girl in some way that is not your natural talent TO GET A MAN… and stop being true to who you really are…
You won’t appreciate the man you get… and you’ll start to hate yourself.
Truth be told, anyone who relies on outside motivation to figure out who they are and what they like is a lame, regardless of gender. It’s one thing is homegirl like to twerk and practices because it’s a hobby of hers. That person might be interesting to talk to because they might be able to develop a persona from that. If a woman is doing that because it’s the only way to get a man (and without a man, they’re nothing), well that girl has issues above and beyond what the media is telling them.
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People tend to do what they want to do anyway. If someone is chasing external approval, it isn’t on the media to fall back and not give them a target. It won’t work anyway, because they’ll find something else to attach to.
It’s a woman’s responsibility to understand that she’s caught in a wheel of self-depricating information on a daily basis and determine who she is as a person, as opposed to what that information says she is.
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No different than it is the responsibility of an American citizen to fully know their rights instead of taking tidbits off Jeopardy and America’s Most Wanted and assuming they know the full extent of the law.
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However…it’s all about choice. Someday, everybody gets a lucky chance to see beyond the veil and peek at the Wizard of Oz..and it is their choice whether they believe what they see or if they want the lie to continue.
I agree with both Todd and Sweet Sass here. I think they should start listening to their male friends who they think r relationship material and really try to get an understanding. It will be conflicting at times (like the research for most controversial/important topics is) and no one clearly defined correct answer will emerge, but it will give u the basis for at least understanding male perspectives that aren’t as intuitive to u.
Consigning with sweetsass. All of this dating advice misses a key element…. We are all human. Having the goal of getting a car (a material thing) is not the same as wanting a mate (a human with variable qualities) that suits you. If I don’t find the car with the right color, you can either go to a different dealership or get a custom paint job or buy a different car. You can’t custom order a mate. If the goal is marriage, it can take some time to meet someone that suits you. If you are single that is not a reflection on you.
That advice isn’t just for women..that’s just advice for people period. It’s what we all need to work on. The only path that gives you the rewards that best improve life is the hard road, but no one ever wants to suffer, so they stick to the easy one instead. Then they refuse to admit what they get is because of their own doing.
I agree with Yoles. No one who was really trying to see what I was about has asked me why I was single. The guys that really had something to offer talked to me long enough to figure out why I was single and what I had to offer. And to the people that ask to be nosy I tell them that I don’t just date anybody…as a young woman may main focus is to build my future. Everyone under 25 (read 28) is kinda of an asshole (guy and girl). I date, I have “buddies” but I don’t take anyone seriously unless they do something worth taking seriously. And then that nosy ass person usually takes a back seat. : )
I get asked this question A LOT!!!!!!!!! at some point it used to piss me off…. especially from patronizing women, once I became comfortable in my own skin I don’t let it bug me. In fact i make a joke out of it. Usually tell them its because I hear voices in my head and that freaks out people.
i like this….i’m gonna use it the next my mama asks me this…i might even add: “because i see dead people”
LULZ!
Firstly, greetings and Happy New Year to you all.
“Anyway, is it appropriate to ask somebody why they’re single? Why or why not? Of is it really just a backhanded compliment that should be kept to oneself?”
Depends on the intent. If the expressed sentiment is of rhetorical nature meant to be interpreted as a compliment, then yes, I would agree that it is a backhanded one. Good analysis.
However, in the instance where it is a genuine question….
Until there is valid reasoning to suggest otherwise, it is a highly appropriate question to ask. An individual’s relationship status is 100% their choice. Sure, the person may prefer to be in a relationship, but for reasons not so apparent to the curious, they have chosen to remain single. It is at this juncture the potential suitor has all right to make the inquiry, considering that he/she has been impressed thus far by the person in question.
As long as the general consensus remains that good (wo)men are difficult to come by, it only makes perfect sense that a seemingly good catch would evoke curiosity. Something like a phenomenon. Why? Simple. We all have options. Thats right. EVERYONE. Generally, people tend to overlook this because we immediately disregard any option we deem unfavorable. In other words, a person you may not be interested in, but who is attracted to you is still an option. Perhaps not an option YOU want, but an option none the less. Sure for many, the dating pool may not be all that appealing. But you still have a pool.
Being single is certainly a decision worth exploring. And even in the remote circumstance that it isn’t a choice, but instead one of circumstance, then such a situation warrants the inquiry even more so. Clearly something is desperately wrong in this instance.
Is it a backhanded compliment? Not really. Its a curious case of SomeThingJustDontAddUpRight mathematics.
Not to get all existential and sh*t, but are you saying that having a bad option is better than having no option at all? I know why you say being single is 100 percent your choice, but I think that obscures the point here.
Every potential is not a worthy one and shouldn’t be considered b/c the possibility of not having another option might not exist.
But that also sounds like a good social experiment. If you send somebody, let’s say a regular, everyday girl next door average woman (since men do the approaching most of the time) into situations where women are most likely to be approached, how often does she get approached and by whom? I’m not going ot say that she should just take her first option or even her second, a person shoud be allowed to have standards.
I agree. A person should have standards and we do. However, having standards doesn’t negate the existence of options, even if they are unappealing ones. I’m sure you wouldn’t bone ‘Precious’ on HER best day. But on YOUR worst day, you probably would. In the end, if circumstances are dire enough, you will settle. After all, aren’t our presidential elections predicated on this principle? ‘The lesser of two evils’ sentiment, no?
And no, I’m not saying having a bad option is better than not having any option. I’m simply acknowledging that an option still exists, therefore one is still exercising the power of choice.
Chris Rock once stated, “[people] are only as faithful as their options”. I’ll take it a step further and say, our standards are only as important as our options.
I agree that it would be a good social experiment though.
” a person shoud be allowed to have standards.”
you’re right..but in the end, you ‘choose’.
if you choose to wait on someone to approach you or not
if you choose to enlist in certain activities
if you choose to hit up this club, this lounge, this bar, this bowling alley, this museum, this church, this naacp/urban league meeting, this …or that.
*you* make the ultimate choice. it’s not good, it’s not bad, but that’s the great part about ‘free will’.
as a single male, i get advice from my folks on what i can do, or not do. i choose to, or not to follow said advice. that’s my choice, my ‘free will’,
single female can get advice from whichever outlet they choose, and no matter how rational or irrational it is, they can choose to follow it, or not.
either way, our choices lead to the results, consequences. it is what it is.
you seem to think folks are free….
inasmuch as we don’t know the future…folks are (relatively) ‘free’ to choose who they want to be with.
at least in this country
I get asked this question a lot… by single men. I almost always respond with, “Probably the same reason why you’re single.”
They usually shut up after that. I don’t think it’s an inappropriate question, but I def think it’s a dumb one. Like being single is a disease or a disability or something.
Good answer, I’m gonna remember that.
well played. *thinks of witty or cute comeback for future reference*
See, I don’t know if I’d shut up after that, b/c it seems like an entryway into an entire conversation about our dating pasts. There’s no reason to shut up nor is that a shutdowny type of comment.
It is for someone who thinks he is the shitznit. And that he is single because he is ‘sowing his royal oats’ and every woman he comes across is single and desperate.
The guy shuts up bc it was a lame pick up line. And they usually were not thinking beyond that. Unlike you who likes to genuinely indulge in a conversation.
I’m all the way wit u P. I’m a convo person so it would be a great convo starter if a chick hit me wit that response. I wouldn’t be offended or taken aback at all
That is because it is… @mel
I just wanted to let you know that you’re wrong for that…as wrong as two left shoes…
so women shut potential boyfriends down for not having hyper cleaver pick-up lines and just trying to break the ice?
If she ain’t attracted to him?? YES!!!!!!! *welp*
so then the complaint has nothing to do at all with dudes pick up line and it’s delivery…..
because that’s not the case being made here today by many VSS’s ……
you’re essentially saying that asking a chick why she’s single is perfectly ok as long she deems him attractive?
ding. ding. ding.
attraction. this is all it ever is.
its more off putting when someone openly questions your value as if youre supposed to qualify yourself to them in a competition against another female. im gonna be myself and wear me on my sleeve and thats an admission of my worthlessness. because when youre observing me YOU decide what makes me valuable to you, but thank you for clarifying how little i mean.
i definitely walk around feeling like i have worth. i needed that.
low self esteem in the context of being lovable to the opposite s*x, is why im single. i feel like crap and theres a lot of tearing down and criticising and assumptions and callousness. lovelessness. you speak like you hate me and everything about me is flawed and unimpressive, cool. im worthless. i count for nothing. all my effort was for nothing. thank you for destroying what little consideration i had for love.
my feelings are too hurt to be in a relationship. i havent recovered from the lack of affection all my life. i dont believe im worth anything to anyone. everything good and beautiful and awesome about me is perceived in such a way as to generate spite and anger and maliciousness. what i need more than anything is for you to sit there circling me and confirm that i am in fact the worst thing on earth and you see nothing of value. that way we can be >> here <<
i could never be special to you; hence, im single because im bitter. im single because i hate you. im single because i cant be honest with you. everything about a woman is in fact worthless to a man. im single because im terrified and id rather backpedal than let you touch me.
im beautiful in the privacy of my own little world and even though my beliefs are way strong, in an *actual* interaction with a male im willing him away. i have no idea what im doing. im flawed and i could never cry with you or be upset or let myself go and it be the most beautiful sight. but whatever. who needs a sense of security anyway. maybe you should take your nose outta there unless youre planning to claim me sometime right this exact moment youre inappropriately looking up my skirt.
You and Obsidian should marry and multiply. It would be the first child ever to come out tha womb and ramble.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SKm5xQyD2vE
LMAO!!!!
Not fair! That was my go-to link, man!!!!
Maybe “why are you single?” offends you a little. fair enough. A lot of people are offended by that.
But if I heard a man talk to you the way you talk to yourself I would want to punch him in the face. You deserve better. And that is not about being single at all. You deserve better from yourself.
This might sound nasty, but I promise it is coming from a place that wants to give you some cheesecake and a hug.
sometimes i feel like you’re talking to me. then i remember i dont know you. then i watch Animaniacs.
lol
that show makes me feel good.
HELLLLLOOOOOOOO NURSE!!!!!!!!
i WAS talking to you. but i remember it doesnt matter because were incompatible on core things so im actually talking to the universe…more or less.
Barring extreme circumstances(severe physical deformity, psychological issues), if you are single(and don’t want to be), it’s your fault. Either accept it and do something about it or keep living: in your mom’s basement/with all of your cats. I know plenty of women who are beautiful and um…troubled. They’re supposed to be alone. If you hear them tell it it’s because men are insecure, play too many games, too possessive, etc. I’m like “At no point you’re going to mention the fact that you’re a (borderline) sociopath as a possible factor here?” When it comes to relationships, it may take some time (and luck), but if you want that for yourself, the only person stopping you is you.
Finding a mate is based on luck. People who like to find fault where none lies are often chronically unhappy because they are always looking for a culpprit to hide their self loathing behind.
True, luck does have something to do with it. At the same time, you make your own luck to a certain extent. If you keep putting yourself in front of the slot machine, while the chances of you winning from machine are a matter of luck, your presence there definitely isn’t.
i guess at that point you need to define what winning is. lol
Or they actually have terrible luck…and cant do much but pretend it doesnt bother them, which only causes the issue to get even worse.
luck is when preparation meets opportunity ~*~
I agree. I wonder how that luck translates too. Like are we talkinga bout meeting somebody that fits well with you or somebody period. I feel like thats getting muddled in here.
Im talking about someone who fits with you. I’m not considering people who stay in a horrible relationship because they think something is better than nothing.
@black yoda-hmm..who hurt you? Tell em why you mad son! Then have a seat..all at the same damn time! A State of singleness depends on too many variables and is too multifaceted to be explained/dissected by just one question IMHO.
Hmm… I’m single and honestly not planning or trying to change that. I know that I am single because of me and because it is what is right for me right now. I would not for a minute lay blame for me being single on someone else, but I don’t really think it’s my “fault” either because I don’t think there is inherently fault involved in being single. It is what it is.
I don’t really get offended when someone asks me why I’m single. I never really think of that as a serious question though, I think it’s not quite a backhanded compliment, just a lazy and kind of stupid compliment. If someone’s like “Hey you’re a good cook and you’re hot, why are you single?” I assume they are kind of joking and usually just laugh and say “I know, right?” because who doesn’t know that there is a lot more involved in relationships then that?
” I know plenty of women who are beautiful and um…troubled. ”
…and married. Often times, looks are more than enough, no matter how much guys deny it.
YESSSS…..
There are plenty of psychotic women in couples. That doesn’t seem to be a deterrant for dudes.
RWC, SweetSass, it depends on the agenda the guy has when he decides to get married. Guys can and will get married for all sorts of idiosyncratic reasons, and if sanity isn’t a requirement, homegirl will be nuts.
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Also, remember that just because dude is in a position to get married doesn’t mean he’s going to make a wise decision. It just means that he can choose among a number of women. I say all that to say men can be dumb as f*ck when it comes to marriage, even despite having options.
YUP! SOOOO TRUE!
hmm ~ i wonder.
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i think we often make seemingly poor choices because there is a deeper truth we need to learn about ourselves. the greatest lessons are learned in “failure” because, often, it is the only way we can behold the consequences of our delusions about ourselves and the world.
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the problem isn’t the problem, but our response to the problem itself. life is nothing if not a series of humbling opportunities to learn our deepest personal truth.
“… and if sanity isn’t a requirement, homegirl will be nuts.”
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iCackled. Don’t know why this cracked me up, but it did. I want it on a t-shirt.
Yeah that made me laugh too. I fully agree with Todd and Esa tho. If dude’s extremely vain but less concerned with his psyche and spiritual balance he’ll most likely choose an incredibly attractive but mentally unstable chick. Life is indeed a series of humbling experiences that give u choices regarding how to respond. That’s when it’s up to u and how real u are with yourself and what u really want
If you think about it, society gives people plenty of reasons to be shallow, stupid, and reckless, yet life provides people with reasons to be insightful, calculating, and spirtual.
Now put that on a gotdamn t-shirt.
So according to you, I should jump into a relationship (or at least bed) with the any guy that approaches me, although he may have 4 kids, no job, smokes weed everyday???? If my standards are causing me to sabotage myself into a state of singledom, then sabotage away!
I asked this question once on a date and it was dumb. He never called again, not that I wanted him to.
Now when I think about it, it seems like a fast way to ask a whole bunch of questions:
- Are you divorced? Separated?
- Where you ever in the mental hospital/jail/witness protection?
- Are you deranged?
- How much baggage are you carrying: a little, over-head suit case or a U-haul?
The response to the question and how it’s answered will tell you a lot about a person. When she says, “I haven’t met the right person yet,” does she sound bitter or hopeful? Often times, it’s not the answer, but the delivery that will tell you a lot about a person.
how long u been single usually covers the bases…typically i get they just broke off with the baby’s father couple months ago the kid is at least 2 because for some reason BD’s golden ticket is valid for at least the first 18 months of the kids life, or she been single for years but not celibate which means she’s someone’s cut buddy, then of course theres the freshly single where im the rebound. Its sad how i just summarized 10 ppl i talk to…the 21-26 demographic is rough yo
“how long u been single usually covers the bases”
much better question.
the 31-36 demographic doesn’t get any rosier…….
Yeah…I like to call those the “Wonder Years”…
I like how you just described the average guy’s dating life.
Jesus this shyte is scary.
- Where you ever in the mental hospital/jail/witness protection?
- Are you deranged?
I kind of doubt many people volunteer this as the reason they are single, even if it’s true. A nonsensical tirade about the opposite sex can kind of help you answer the deranged question though, I guess.
Soooooo, I always wanted to know what would be that one question you could ask somebody to find out if they were crazy or not. Anybody have any ideas???
Float a question about a popular conspiracy theory and see what their thoughts are about it. Word the question in a way that your position on said theory and observe them. The really crazy get physically agitated and will get hysterical if you push them in that direction.
*Word the question in a way that HIDES your position…*
Haha, that’s a good one.
It only screens for paranoid conspiracy theory type insanities though…
I bet you could come up with like four or five questions that would give you a good picture of someone’s mental health (or lack thereof).
Everyone has an opinion on what happened on 9/11 but you are right. I will need to know what you consider “crazy” before I could generate those questions.
Crazy like, they like things a certain way in a certain order, stand over you at night while you sleep, check you emails after gueesing the pswd, using a tracking device to find where you are and pop up, not afraid to jump on the offense and act up in public when the waitress got the order wrong although it wasnt the waitress and they ordered wrong…just to name a few.
Your comment suggests only 1 flaw; Jealousy/Possesiveness. To check for this simply say hi to a random attractive male (be sure to smile) and watch your suitor’s facial reaction. All will be revealed unless he is the cunning kind who will wait until he gets you alone to make you pay for disrespecting him. The dining scenario is a bit harder. Whomever you are talking about is a huge narcissist who hasn’t figured out how to manipulate whilst speaking softly.
like, seriously, really crazy?
my experience says that they will show you.
in some cases they will tell you, while you are on a date.
you can also ask “why are you single” and see how they respond….
Lol. Why are you single is possibly a good way to find out if they are in fact crazy. I guess its all about the way they respond to the person asking the question.
depends on what kind of crazy. sociopaths are HARD to spot. this is why they are the most dangerous kind of all.
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personality disorders are easy to spot. you spend a lot of time shaking your head in shock while the person with the PD hums along like everything is normal in their world.
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developmental disorders like autism are spectrum illnesses and can be easy to spot when they are well established but can also be masked by drug and alcohol use when they have gone untreated, in the case of many men with Aspberger’s. you cant put your finger on the problem but you feel physically out of sorts around these people.
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then there are the doozies like schizophrenia and bi-polar disorder that will have your white knuckled trying to hold on for dear life.
Black people are terrible with mental health.
in my experience, almost all people are terrible with mental health, most terrifying of all, the ones with Ph.Ds and prescription pads. i could go on, but i won’t. suffice to say, i do not trust the medical community, the pharmaceutical industry, or the practice of therapy as it is now performed.
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but ! i have learned a whole lot through observation, and i love to share what i have learned, and i am open to being questioned or redirected because how else am i going to learn.
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in 2012 i could finally admit my greatest shame in life was believing i am “crazy”, which it turns out i am not, but even if i were there is no shame in a mind that is wounded. there is only shame in what happens to the vulnerable people who are mistreated, misdiagnosed, or altogether neglected when what they need is a safe place to heal and rebuild themselves.
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that’s why, whenever possible, i speak on it. so yea, last week a guy asked me “why are you single” and i answered him by rolling my index finger in the air around my temple. he didn’t believe me. he wanted me details. i told him. he wanted to “help” me on his Captain Save a Lunachick, i guess. red flag !
Lmao! Captain save a lunachick tho?! That slayed me lol
Yeah that’s an awesome response on so many levels. I could take a chick who had done her own research and found out what specifically made others consider her crazy and the sense of humor u showed about it would just be VERY attractive to me. Demystifying “crazy” would do us all a service and ppl wouldn’t run from it or shun it like they do now
I’m sooooo good with personality disorders, esa. People need to learn about them. I’m all about nurturing people with disorders but there are some personality disorders (antisocial and narcissism, in particular) that are threatening. I would include borderline, but as I am dealing with someone who has it, I don’t want to be a hypocrite either. Plus, it’s not as bad as the other two.
all people have the potential to cause harm. personality disorder appear more threatening simply because most people do not relate to the disorders of the mind and are unable to apply their logic to the logic of irrationality. but it is always there, and can be treated, like any other health issue, if the person suffering decides to take responsibility for their own lives.
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with all due respect, i do not believe you (or anyone else) can “nurture” a personality disorder back to health. you can give love and step back. in my experience, anything more creates co-dependency.
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which is not to say don’t be a friend. but friends dont let friends play therapist. becoming involved in other people’s pathologies is a very dangerous thing to do for both people and i would not suggest anyone take this on for themselves, no matter how good their intentions are.
I absolutely agree with you.
Borderline takes its toll on everyone involved, as I’m sure you know, bless your soul.
But I think its a whole different thing with people with antisocial personality disorder or sociopaths because there is a good chance they are
didn’t mean to post that yet.
but its really different with someone who is completely insane but hurt and sick than someone who is evil.
Definitely.
Yes. Use my default question (as said by my good friend Phillip- shout outs, yo!):
“Motherf*cker, is you crazy?!”
I’m gonna go with….NO.
I have a real good question then.
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How many voices do you hear in your head?
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Normally people would get offended by this question but in all honesty, it is a great question. We have id, egos, and superegos. I’m not sure about other people, but for me, all 3 of these sides have a voice in my head. So if someone says anything less than 2, I call bullshyte, because you should at least have your devil and angel shoulder buddies. If she says anything past 3, I know schizophrenia runs in her family and my peenas begins to hibernate like a bear during winter.
“Chances are, if we were to dig into the relationship pasts of most folks, we’d be able to surmise and determine various reasons why said person who covets a relationship is single.”
& the qwah says ‘AMEN’… I find this a lot w/ folks I’ve met via twitter or the black interweb blogs. Lol. You see people moan, groan and complain about being single but within an hour of meeting them you KNOW why they’re single. Point blank, period.
This goes hand in hand with how its always the other person’s fault that a relationship didnt work
LOL! It’s funny because it’s true.
agreed, but also if they seem too good to be single, it’s because they really aint.
not true… i’m single and i am IT
j/k
not reallylolSeriously though, maybe you’re too good NOT to be single.
Makes as much sense to me as being “too good to be single.”
mmm hmm chicks like u be having rosters on the low
She do! You should see her FB friendlist.
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Yoles be plotting.
i have found that unhappiness being single is directly correlated to being unable to fulfill your own needs. if you enjoy your life you will enjoy being single because you do not place a value judgment on it.
So true.
Also, I’m guessing that people who are unhappy single don’t *actually* magically become and stay happy once they are in a relationship.
I dont ever ask that because the answers you get from that question are going to be basically useless
oh and new year’s sidenote I am still enjoying watching the Lakers implode.
I’m loving this new Fake show also. Hobe got exactly what he asked for (Antoni-No D) and it is working out just as badly as I predicted.
Mike Django and the LOLakers have been a delight, its like the basketball version of the Eagles
ah the sheer phuckery of the lackers makes my nipples hard……
+this guy. overstimulation it is
Not feeling the new layout. I need my spaces between thoughts for emphasis. Where is Miss Burr?
testing
testing…
ok, VSB is accepting break tags
I need spaces between other people’s thoughts too. I can’t read 5 paragraphs with no spaces.
Yeah, we are noticing several issues with this new layout. Some we knew upfront, some unforeseen. We’re making a list and going to attempt to right the ship, or maybe we’ll end up changing layouts.
What do I bring to the relationship? Me. Thats it. Thats enough. Anybody I am in a relationship with is there because of me. My abilities and services I offer are just extra. I don’t need to justify my existence in his life with fringe benefits, VIP services, circus tricks and the like. If I do, I don’t need to be in his life anymore because he doesn’t value me for the simple, inherent me that I give.
One size does not fit all. So the theory that if you are single there must be something wrong with you is faulty. It assumes everybody wants the same thing and perceives qualities the same exact way and had the same needs at any point in time and those needs never change. When I was young I liked a man with a little belly on him. It suggested stability and generosity in a man. Now I like six pack abs because I provide my own stability and I want fun and hot chex.
Whats wrong with the 40 year old single male lawyer making 80k driving a bmw with his own house and no kids? Nothing is wrong with him. I don’t want him, though. Unless he is inexplicably the #him for me. That would be a luck thing.
circus tricks eh lol
Gooo Wild Cougar!
I agree with you. I don’t buy the if you’re single, there’s somethign wrong with you ideology either.
Oh, and anyone who is gonna walk away from someone because they seem too good to be true was not that interested to begin with.
word.
I disagree. People can and will walk away if they notice a pattern between the last person they dated who was “too good to be true” and the current candidate. After they get over the initial awe of “Wow, this person is sooo amazing,” they get a flashback of the last time they felt this way and how it backfired. So they pull back a little to analyze the situation more and end up finding red flags. Ones that were most likely present in their last relationship, but couldn’t see due to being blinded by lust.
So someone could be completely, and utterly infatuated with that person, but is unwilling to take the risk of repeating history because of caution (due to past experiences) and placing self-interest first (which should be placed first anyway, imo).
Oh word?
Peej. You ever ask yourself why you’re stuck on questioning women’s measurement of their own value?
naw. cant say that i have.
A way to deflect on assessing your own value?
I wrote the other day how me being single is nothing more than a coincidence, no different from accidentally matching a coworker and trying to fake laugh at 2520′s “did you call eachother last night” jokes, and resist countering with “both yall breath smell like musk and despair did yall just make out?”
Anyway, I ask women why they are single to one, check out for “dudes aint ish” or “intimidated by me” red flags, usually a precursor to lack of accountability, two to tell her she’s too fly to be or something like that you know #thatgame and ish.
i agree with this. a man asking a woman to explain why she is unattached will put women who are uncomfortable with their status on the defensive. it’s not necessarily a pleasant tactic, but it allows a man the unvarnished opportunity to see how comfortable she is with herself.
So you don’t think it can EVER be an honest assessment that men are intimidated by her? Or that she just hasn’t come across good men?
no. 9.5 times outta 10 it’s a cop out. the other .5 is possibly legitimate
“Anyway, I ask women why they are single to one, check out for “dudes aint ish†or “intimidated by me†red flags, usually a precursor to lack of accountability, two to tell her she’s too fly to be or something like that you know #thatgame and ish.”
That’s the part when they have to have a Dr. Phil or Iyanla Vanzant moment…
I’ve never asked the “why are you single” question myself. Why? Because I remember that poster from the 80s and early 90s, No matter how good she looks,someone somewhere is sick of putting up with her sh1t. If someone who seems like an obvious catch is single, or even in some odd a$$ dating situation that doesn’t fit how they present themselves, it’s a red flag. It wouldn’t disqualify someone from jump, but I would do a lot more question asking before I would move forward.
I don’t use it often but it is a good tool to make her think you are impressed with her.
This is silly. Even the “obviously good catch” is, at some point, going to be single. It doesn’t automatically mean red flag.
This is true, but I would still proceed with caution. There are women who present the same on the surface, but when you dig deeper and completely different. I would at least do my due diligence.
It’s just another way of being polite and not asking the question that every guy has in the back of his mind: “Are you f*cking…can I f*ck you”
lol
You could just leave out the why for that though, if all you care about is IF she’s single.
Dudes don’t even care if she’s single, they just wanna f*ck. How do you f*ck? You get her comfortable? How do you get her comfortable? You get her to talk? What do you get her to talk about? Herself! That is the function of the word “why?”
Thinking back, no man who has ever asked me “*why* are you single” has ever gotten these panties. Ever. Maybe it’s because I think the question is dumb. It tells me that they don’t know how to think, have a stupidly simple life, can’t relate with the single struggle at all, or are just too lazy to think for themselves.
What is the single struggle?
Yep. End of convo.
Lol…girls. You want to be understood, but you don’t want to explain.
come come now BM, you know that we are expected to automatically know how they think
Lol.
It’s our fault though. When guys want something from women, they always have to use reasoning and explanation to get it; women might call the reasons BS, but at least they have something to work with.
When women want something from a guy, all they got to do is get mad/teary-eyed or threaten to lock up their legs and put the panties in solitary confinement. Most guys are too scared to lose out on some ass, than to actually help women become better than breast and ass, and then they complain that women don’t bring anything to the table smh.
and why is it a struggle and for whom?
You get all this information from that question?
“Thinking back, no man who has ever asked me “*why* are you single†has ever gotten these panties. Ever.”
Oh forreal? Then allow me to be the first. RWC, why are you single?
*Without waiting for an answer, goes into your house and steals a pair of panties.*
You were saying….
You just stole *those* panties, not *these* panties, silly. I still love you anyway, TUK.
Well of course I wouldn’t steal the panties off your body. That’s…very…illegal. Very, very illegal.
so essentially, who they attractin with that line…
What’s yo name, what’s yo sign?
My new responses to “why are you single?”
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To the guy who probably has a shot: “Mistakes, I’ve made a few…” (sung if the guy seems worldly enough to get the reference, otherwise spoken).
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To the guy who might have a shot: “Probably the same reason you are.”
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To repel: “What’s yo’ sign?”
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Thanks to all who provided new ways to think about this question, and for the new replies ;->
BOOM!! YES. YES. YES. THE END.
“Are you f*cking…can I f*ck youâ€
I must be doing it wrong, then. Because this is the question (although in a PG13 format) I usually ask women that I only lust for. As I said above, the “how are you single” question is reserved for women to pique my interest.
….of which you would like to phuck.
Obviously. But women who’ve gotten my interest are women I want more from (i.e a relationship), but me wanting to sex them up is a given.
lol @ Negro Libre
I’ve asked that question. Why? Not to insult but I tend to think that most people have choices and I like to know their reasoning. I dig women with choices more than I dig women waiting to be chosen. And I ask when I am very attracted to the woman, I want her to know it, and I want to know if she is on the restricted or unrestricted free agent list. If she has a pudding-head ninja at home (who might show up looking for her) I want to know and I am not waiting for her to volunteer that information. Never thought anything was wrong with it since it can lead to more good conversation and often times sex and in some other cases more “meaningful” relationships.
Things like this don’t bother me. Maybe they should…I’ve been asked this question by women. Even the question about kids, before I left my twenties. Never been offended. Maybe because I am comfortable in why I’ve chosen single, my age, and the choices I’ve made.
“Anyway, is it appropriate to ask somebody why they’re single?”
.
I think it’s a pointless question. The better question is “ARE you single?”
.
I’m not sure how much of a compliment it is to indicate “wow, I’m not instantly repulsed by your appearance and personality.”
and here u go thinking n whatnot
+1
Seems like a kind of redundant thing to ask someone. If you talk to them enough you’ll find out, or get enough clues, to know why that is.
Nah… you’re still working off the premise being single is a bad thing. There are great people who are single, awful people who are coupled and vice versa.
This is true. My mind just tuned it to one-on-one interaction that someone may genuinely be curious why such a good/great catch is single. That still positions single as bad though.
Whenever a man asks me why I am single, I ask him if he wants to be my boyfriend. When he laughs and says “you funny!” I reply “and that’s EXACTLY why I’m single. You don’t want me, just like nobody else does.”
They never ask again.
Awesome. Stolen.
oo i like you going for the jugular and calling him out saying, “you want to be my man” but, with all due respect Miss Asiyah, i don’t think it is necessary to undermine yourself to get said dude to shut the fuuuk up .. after “you funny” you could say, “funny how? like a clown?” and give him a Joe Pesci smile ..
see that’s exactly what I’m working on: NOT putting myself down when I call others out.
Not for nothing, but I’m the dude who would end up sucked into a conversation about why you should’nt say that about yourself.
Either that or I’m just cool enough to know the answer to that question is, “well not yet, but who knows how I’ll feel in an hour.” then *wink*
Game. Blouses.
LOL that’s cute.
Ouch! That’s cold.
“or maybe they do, you’re just too guarded to notice” Knight to F6.
yeah… part deux is a little on the ‘woe is me…’ NiceGuyTM sound. haha. you are sooooooo better than that.
lol I’m really not trying to be all “woe is me,” but when you’re asked that a lot and then have the same people who ask you reject you in subtle ways over time (even though you don’t want them), you can’t help but want to call them out on the bs immediately lmao
good answer. now if dude has game too, that’s an opening,not a reason to run away.
and that’s how I know he’s the one
but of course….because with a great answer like that obviously you have more game than kobe and the lakers. write the book already.
lol right now, lots of people have more game than the lakers.
#shotsfired
i like how you took that and just went there. let them shots go boom.
Oop!
Your response had me dying until the last sentence. Buck up lady, you are fab even if you don’t feel it deep down in your marrow.
LOL thank you
Again, I’m trying to perfect that response so as not to include the last line.
Let me just be clear that if I felt the person was asking me that question in a serious attempt to (possibly) give me constructive feedback, I’m all ears. But if I feel it’s tainted in BS then I most likely give a reply like the one I typed originally.
The laugh I just had makes this statement justified.
The best response to the question is. “I’m working on it. Do YOU know anyone you’d like to introduce me to?” This is a beautifully back-handed way to turn the blame back on the asker when they say, “Errr, no, sorry.” Yep, you sir or ma’am are part of the problem. It takes a village to make couples, too. Now if they say “Why, yes! I’d love to introduce you two.” then that’s another win for you, potentially.
Sure, ask me all you want! But don’t act surprised by my answer! My pippoz have a great day.
Umm totally random ..but in the last paragraph .. i think you meant “life” not live ….i know i know damn grammar police
On one of our first coffee meet ups my boyfriend asked me why I was single. Once we swapped “resumes”/ bios and a few laughs he let it out. “So why are you single??!” I wasn’t offended. At all. I knew why I was single at that time. And, he said it with such surprise and “wow” that I thought it was funny and cute. I knew he felt like he had hit the jackpot -he says this now- . And guess what, he proceeded to court me as such. Like he knew he didn’t want to miss out or something.
To guys who want to know why a woman is single, I’m going to say this. Its not WHAT you say sometimes, but THE WAY you say it. If you’re asking because the woman before you is so great and appealing to you that you are GOING TO DATE HER then your tone will be different than it would be if say… you were wondering if she was a FRAUD.
To women who get offended, again, tone is everything. You know when a man is sizing you up with a sideye vs. when he is genuinely attracted to you. I used to just shrug it off or say “the same reason why you’re single. too many options right?” (i find that SOME men who ask this are the ones who feel like there are “too many women out here to just pick/settle for one”). That attitude would get served right back to ‘em.
Most women I see in my dating years are ,
Are wishing for a miracle guy to show up
& do not make men a priority in their lives, which is weird because men are everything to most women.
Basically are not TRULY proactive in snagging a quality man.
And most American women today are not “good” women.
The ones who appear to be “good” women on the surface. A thorough conversation gets to the bottom of what is holding them back.
In my opinion, especially when talking about black women, their are so few “good” women, and when a woman decides to be a quality catch, you will get snatched up fast.
People don’t want to come to terms that they might be a piece of ish, but based on your dating history, that is a very good indicator, whether you are Kobe beef or just another McRib.
Mamba Out.
*And most American women today are not “good†women* o__O
It’s 2013… We still on this?!?! Really??!!! *smh*
Yes we are @GirlSixx. I still haven’t seen women on a collective level confront this issue.
I’ll leave it at that.
Don’t hold your breath.
“Why are you single?” This is (usually) one of those backhanded compliments intended to flatter but reminds the person that they are indeed single and implies that it is somehow their fault (it likely is at least partially their fault, but we’ll get to that later) or their choice.
This reminded me of that chick Kenya on RHOA, spouting off how she was such a good check and buddy brought her back to reality with the quickness. He pretty said, you’re the one selling the “How much of a good catch I am” line, yet you’re mid forties, ain’t found a buyer, selling your accomplishments of yesteryear (pretty much), but pressuring me to marry you???
Yeah, I can see how “backhanded” plays up in this…lol
hmmm…I do get this question….A LOT. As most of my friends become involved in the “Marriage Club”. Being single is a choice and I usually answer “that’s a great question” and kind of change the subject of convo. Because quite frankly its an annoying question. Stop Asking. Just stop. It maybe a bit flattering but at the same time annoying. To answer honestly “I’m not ready for a realtionship because I like being single right now.” or for any other reason you’re bond to get the the look O_o or sympathy. It’s like they want to throw the sympathy card at you followed by “I will fix you up with someone.” smh. I think it’s a question to be kept to oneself. There’s so many ques in conversation that can tell you right away if the person’s single or not. So, why abruptly ask, Why? Chill.
If you are looking at a potential mate and see nothing outwardly wrong, you think they are a catch. Then you mind starts to play tricks on you…what’s the catch here. Like finding a $20 bill on the sidewalk and seeing plenty of people walk right past it. I know I haven’t found a gold mine and NO ONE has seen it before? You can assume (which never works out) or you can find the answer by asking and observing.
So change the question….how have your past relationships been? Followed up with why did they end or not go to the next level. Depending on the length of those relationships and the reasons why they ended, you will learn some things you need to look out for.
I like that logic. That’s how I figured it out for myself. If 20 men in one day say to one woman “damn girl, why are you single”..I’m pretty sure the 21st time won’t change a damn thing. Simply meaning, this aint about getting some ass, this is a geniune situation that a simple answer can’t fix, so move on.
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People need to pay attention to the circumstances of today instead of holding on so desperately to outdated information that hurts us way more than it helps us….but that is called growing up.
I find it to be wrong to ask someone why they are single unless you know an adequate amount of information about their love life. As a man, I will never utter the words “why are you single” to a woman again as a way to find out if we can have a connection (because that’s the only reason we do that). Why? Because at some point, I became an ADULT and realized people have this funny thing called A PAST filled with information that I can’t possibly digest in just ONE DISCUSSION.
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I also resent when women ask the same question to men the way Panama suggested because I don’t really recall after living 29 years on Earth that marriage and kids were all that damn great for EVERY SINGLE MAN that ever lived…so yea.
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Can we just agree that this is one of those things that society does that actually hurts people more than helps, meaning we should stop it?
“Can we just agree that this is one of those things that society does that actually hurts people more than helps, meaning we should stop it?”
I blame the baby boomers- they started this sh*t.
They did with their “we are #1″ bullshyte, old pricks.
It’s funny this was the post for today. I just recently had a convo about this with my homegirls, and a lot of what was said is very true. After being asked so often why you’re single, you do subconsciously start to wonder yourself. Outside of it not always being a choice, you question how being such a ‘catch’ would leave you solo dolo. Ultimately, I think its a rhetorical question used as a conversation starter. [bad idea] Every once in a while, there will be a genuine concern about your singleness and possibly an underlying attempt to identify some disqualifier to knock you out of the running. I mean, if I was single because i was crazy, would I really tell you? Prolly not. Anyway, I say please stop asking folks why they are single. Im single, and a catch, and I don’t have an educated response for you [im not crazy tho].
Hmmm, I guess depending on who is asking “Why are you still single” someone can take it offensively. *shrug* I get asked this question alot from men, I am always honest with my answer.. “I’m legally separated, I was married for over a decade” once they hear that it’s cool breeze after that. I don’t take that question personal as if they are trying to offend me.
Maybe I pulled up to the scene with my ceiling missing but I’ve never asked a woman this question but have been asked several times especially as I’ve gotten older… (I’m 30) I personally don’t care why you’re single, and I usually don’t ask if you even are single. A grown woman will let you know if she’s available or not and with a little patience you can find out why she’s completely undatable or just not worth the effort.
As Yoles mentioned up thread this is a superficial question and it doesn’t really have a satisfying answer. I’m still not sure why anyone would be offended by the question…
I’m so mad now because you got that song playing in my head. Gotdamnit.
I just dont think this is an appropriate question to ask right off bat. I mean its a rim shot.
Not for nothin’, but what chick in her right mind is going to give a real honest answer on this one to a dude she might want as a gentleman caller?! For real. Personally, I would rather work security at a Love & Hip Hop reunion than say, “Well, I took some time off from dating because I had some self esteem issues after being jerked around by this dude for a few years.” I mean…boner killer right there.
There’s honesty, brutal honesty and oh hell no!
I’m 40 & gorgeous and single with no kids! Ive just been chilling doing what I wanted to do in every aspect of my life. And Its frustrating and weird at the same damn time when a Man or woman ask me why am Im still single or they say what’s wrong with me? ot they ask why I dont have kids?! there is no where written that a person has to be married with kids by 40!
I was just reminded of this post as I heard another “default” that women think makes them special. Whenever a friend (female) of mine mentions her sex life, they ALL preface with “I’m really small” or “I’m really tight” and use that as an explanation of some sex event. I’ve even been told I’m small or tight. And I believe it. But not in an especially tight way as I previously thought. Hopefully, we’re all tight bc that’s the key behind the vagina’s whole purpose, no?
LOL….Some things never change and even when they do shit’s still the same.
a) do you bring up DST in every article….lol b)I just had someone ask me this bullshid yday….after they ran down my qualities….dang ma you’re cool as hell, funny, nice shape why are you single…I wanted to say nigga I’m wondering the same dayum thing…guys please stop asking this unless your next line is I would like to change your relationship status…c) I feel bad though cause I definately asked this fineeeee 42yr old black successful guy what was wrong with him because he had never been married and had no kids….he laughed shrugged it off but I’m assuming he’s picky lol