Between her hundreds of pairs of shoes, closets full of clothes, and dressers full of jewelry, to call my mom a fashionista would be an understatement. I’ve teased her about this before—she’s like one White House Black MarketÂ bangle away from full-blown Hoarder—but it’s one of the things about her I’ve always appreciated. It’s kinda cool having a mom who’s fly.
Although her illness has made it difficult for her to put the same effort into her appearance, she still relishes the rare opportunities she has to get dressed up. Now, these opportunities usually occur when she’s going to the doctor’s office.
She had one of these opportunities last week, and while speaking to her over the weekend about how her tests went, she brought up something that bothered her a little.
“One of the nurses said something about how dressed up I always am when I come in.”
“Oh? Well you do always look nice. What’s the problem?”
“I don’t know. It just rubbed me the wrong way. Sometimes, when White women make those types of statements, they say it with a tone where it feels like they’re just surprised that a Black woman would have nice clothes.”
That the nurse’s statement had a racial undertone is possible. But, as I joked with her, it’s more than likely that my mom was just experiencing a bout of Nigga Neurosis-–my definition for the feeling many of us have when something out of the ordinary (good or bad) happens to us, and weâ€™re not sure whether it only happened because weâ€™re Black.
This (the “Nigga Neurosis”) is one of the more unfortunate byproducts of a lifetime of dealing with America’s neurotic relationship with race.Â It’s something so ingrained in many of us that we often don’t realize when we’re doing it, and the perpetual mentalÂ gymnasticsÂ involved inÂ distinguishingÂ between real race-related behavior and perceived can f*ck with a person’s sense of reality.
I was reminded of this yesterday while following the Chris Dorner news and some of our (Black people’s) reactions to it. Not so much the advanced form of Nigga Neurosis displayed by those actually rooting for him, but how messed up things have to be for this to even be possible.
ThisÂ and other situations like itÂ manages to be both an indictment on AmericaÂ andÂ us at the same time, proving that our experience with race and (real or perceived) racial injustice in this country has left some of us so cynical, soÂ antagonistic, so angry at anything having to to with the “establishment”—police, the government, politics, rich people, etc—that we’ll support any type of comeuppance, regardless of how much evil had to happen for it to occur. This is f*cking scary.
And yes, if the things he’s been accused of are true—and I have no reason to believe that they’re not—Chris Dorner is an evil man. He’s not a hero and he won’t be aÂ martyr. He’s not even a Django. He’s a murderer who killed people in cold blood, a man who might have had a real opportunity to expose the LAPD’s corruption, but instead chose to act on his own selfish need for some type of retribution. At best he’s a movie-of-the-week, a Dateline special, a new Wiki page, a line in a Jadakiss verse. He’s no different than Timothy McVeigh, Ted Kaczynski, and all the other men who targeted and killed innocent people toÂ avengeÂ some “injustice,” and I will shed no tears when he’s captured and/or killed.
But who Dorner is and what he may have done doesn’t matter. At least to those of us who are rooting for him, it doesn’t. As along as he is Black and getting back at something “White,” it’s a cause worth supporting, regardless of any insignificant collateral damage —like, you know, the murder of a man who could have very easily been your brother, cousin, or boyfriend.
Should America take the blame for this? For making some of us so filled withÂ antipathy and antagonism that it has completely skewed both our sense of right and wrong and ourÂ perceptionÂ of reality? Or, are we just using the nigga neurosis as anÂ convenientÂ excuse to “get back,” to finally unleash our inner Dorners or live vicariously through him as he kills all the White people he can before getting caught?
I don’t know the answers to any of these questions. But, I do know that while reading some of the pro-Dormer tweets, comments, and Facebook statuses yesterday, I couldn’t help but think of the first thing Sgt. Dignam (Mark Wahlberg)Â asks Billy Costigan (Leonardo DiCaprio) in The Departed.
“So…how f*cked up are you?”
—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)