Lists, Theory & Essay

the sad tale of the BAB: three signs that you might be a bitter-a** bastard

the official drink of the BAB

the official drink of the BAB

from the real world’s BBC (big breasted coral) to omarosa manigault-stallworth, the image of the “angry educated black woman” has become a fixture in modern day american culture. studied, discussed, debated, and caricatured, you almost can’t escape a day without reading some blog or watching some special focused on angry educated black women’s views on dating, racism, sexism or kim kardashian.

thing is, the non-stop attention paid to these belligerent and bookish broads has caused us to overlook and ignore a growing contingent in our communities, a group thats still growing like chinese gymnasts and spreading like the legs of vsb.com groupies california wildfires, the bitter-a** bastard.

acrimonious men who have allowed a few real or perceived minor slights to vindicate their displeasure with womanhood in general, there are bitter-a** bastards walking among us and angrily insisting dutch first dates as we speak, and and its our duty to locate and brand them before they continue to poison the already misty dating pool

so, without further ado, here’s three signs that you might be a bitter-a** bastard (BAB)

1. you’re proudly unchivalrous.

there’s nothing else that screams “i’m a bitter a** bastard” louder than a grown ass man who’s practically excited to get the opportunity to let everyone else know all the simple-ass sh*t they’d never do for a woman.

“pay for dinner??? trick, please. what i look like buying you appetizers and water and sh*t when you don’t even swallow??? plus, you make like 31g’s a year!!! you’re telling me you can’t afford to buy your own damn ice tea???”

look, i understand that it’s 2008 and that acf (annoyingly convenient feminism) combined with the gains women have made in the workforce has made male and female interaction increasingly complex. plus, with all the diseased free panties running the streets nowadays, why walk the extra mile for some “undeserving” chick when you can run a train in your basement?

yet, despite whatever argument you conceive, there’s still no justifiable explanation being this way. part of being a grown-up man is doing the right thing without any expectation of acknowledgment or reward, but a typical BAB will voluntarily and happliy relinquish a crucial component of his own manhood just because some janky broad or two didn’t immediately fellate him when he gave up his seat for her on the train seven years ago.

2. scapegoating is your friend

BABs love scapegoating and pigeonholing more than crackheads love home depot. words such as “all” and “every” always seem to find a way into their sentences when speaking negatively about the opposite sex, a common practice used by folks so blinded by bitterness that they can’t see how foolish a statement such as “all black women with master’s degrees give terrible bj’s” really is. ****editors note: although, with this example, he might have a point****

3. bitter? me? hell no!!! not at all. I’m just a little more practical now, thats all”

theres nothing a BAB loathes more than actually admitting that he’s a BAB, a phenomenon which produces some of the most hilariously misguided attempts of synonym use known to man. from “practical” and “prudent” to “rational” and “realistic”, a typical BAB will have an endless supply of words and euphemisms that make his BAB-ness sound much less harsh

“i’m not bitter. far from it. i just tend to look at the entire idea of womankind in a perpetually jaundiced light, thats all.”

the first step in any type of healing process is acknowledging the fact that you actually do have a problem, but because BAB’s are typically reluctant to do this, its our patriotic duty to alert them ourselves. good people of vsb.com, its in your hands now.

i challenge you all to find one BAB today, look him dead in his beady eyes, and tell him to “man the hell up!!”. don’t let your country or your champ down.

–the champ

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't.

Previously

Let's Be Friends.

  • http://lizburr.com Liz

    Umm, I know I have seen some BAB-esque comments here on VSB.com before! Come out come out wherever you are….

    • ForReal

      ***looking around to see who is going to bite first, because i know i’ve seen those comments too!!***

    • ForReal

      ***looking around to see who is going to bite first, because i know i’ve seen those comments too!!***

    • miss t-lee

      Way to call ’em out Liz.
      Way to go!!! :)

    • miss t-lee

      Way to call ’em out Liz.
      Way to go!!! :)

    • http://www.goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

      LIZ…I was laughing and reading because several of VSB(AB’s) came to mind…this is either going to be a super-krunk day in the bloggerhood or there will be tumbleweeds blowing over our keyboards…LOL

      • http://lizburr.com Liz

        ok? it’s mighty quiet around here. *mmhmm*

      • http://lizburr.com Liz

        ok? it’s mighty quiet around here. *mmhmm*

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “LIZ…I was laughing and reading because several of VSB(AB’s) came to mind”

        you know what, i don’t think we have too many BAB’s here, if any at all.

        i could be wrong though. i havent been before, but, yanno, anything can happen

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “LIZ…I was laughing and reading because several of VSB(AB’s) came to mind”

        you know what, i don’t think we have too many BAB’s here, if any at all.

        i could be wrong though. i havent been before, but, yanno, anything can happen

    • http://www.goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

      LIZ…I was laughing and reading because several of VSB(AB’s) came to mind…this is either going to be a super-krunk day in the bloggerhood or there will be tumbleweeds blowing over our keyboards…LOL

    • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

      I thought the original name for this site -before real man whores- was Bitter-Ass Bastards. no?

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “I thought the original name for this site -before real man whores- was Bitter-Ass Bastards. no?”

        this was almost funny

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “I thought the original name for this site -before real man whores- was Bitter-Ass Bastards. no?”

        this was almost funny

    • http://www.myspace.com/chicanextdoor Miss Patterson

      I thought the original name for this site -before real man whores- was Bitter-Ass Bastards. no?

  • http://lizburr.com Liz

    Umm, I know I have seen some BAB-esque comments here on VSB.com before! Come out come out wherever you are….

  • http://www.sheliagoss.com/blog Shelia

    I’m sending this link to a few BABs I know. Sad part about it, they won’t think the post is about them (see your#3)…lol

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “I’m sending this link to a few BABs I know”

      good job

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “I’m sending this link to a few BABs I know”

      good job

  • http://www.sheliagoss.com/blog Shelia

    I’m sending this link to a few BABs I know. Sad part about it, they won’t think the post is about them (see your#3)…lol

  • Kamilah

    “I challenge you all to find one BAB today, look him dead in his beady eyes, and tell him to “man the f**k up“. don’t let your country or your champ down.”

    I called to leave a message but his vm said, “Yo, you’ve reached BAB. If you think I’m gonna buy you dinner because you’ve got a career, but aren’t puttin it down tonight just hang up…you’re part of the masses. And don’t hate…I ain’t bitter, just better! One!”

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “I ain’t bitter, just better!”

      this actually would be a great t-shirt

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “I ain’t bitter, just better!”

      this actually would be a great t-shirt

    • http://www.goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

      I ain’t bitter, just better!

      I say this ALL THE TIME…he may be a BAB…but the brother has a way with words, no? lol…

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        I ain’t bitter, just better!

        this is like the angry person mantra.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “I ain’t bitter, just better!

          this is like the angry person mantra.”

          especially if they add “b*tch” to the end of it

          • http://www.goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

            and I do…I add b*tch to the end of everything!! b*tch… LMAO

            • shay-d-lady

              LMAO I do too….

            • shay-d-lady

              LMAO I do too….

          • http://www.goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

            and I do…I add b*tch to the end of everything!! b*tch… LMAO

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “I ain’t bitter, just better!

          this is like the angry person mantra.”

          especially if they add “b*tch” to the end of it

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        I ain’t bitter, just better!

        this is like the angry person mantra.

    • http://www.goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

      I ain’t bitter, just better!

      I say this ALL THE TIME…he may be a BAB…but the brother has a way with words, no? lol…

  • Kamilah

    “I challenge you all to find one BAB today, look him dead in his beady eyes, and tell him to “man the f**k up“. don’t let your country or your champ down.”

    I called to leave a message but his vm said, “Yo, you’ve reached BAB. If you think I’m gonna buy you dinner because you’ve got a career, but aren’t puttin it down tonight just hang up…you’re part of the masses. And don’t hate…I ain’t bitter, just better! One!”

  • http://threewaystotakeit.wordpress.com Slim Jackson

    This is pretty effin funny, and true. I think I teter on the line of BAB. I try to pass my reluctance to be chivalrous on “equal opportunity”. “You want my seat on the train lil lady? No! Equal opportunity!”
    “You want me to cover this whole dinner when it was your idea to go out for food? Cover half! Equal opportunity!”
    “I’m tired of bein on top! Equal opportunity!”

    • Shay-d-lady

      LMAO not equal opportunity!!! Well at least now you know and knowing is half the battle…..

    • Shay-d-lady

      LMAO not equal opportunity!!! Well at least now you know and knowing is half the battle…..

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “You want my seat on the train lil lady? No! Equal opportunity!”

      lol…this made me choke on my toast

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “You want my seat on the train lil lady? No! Equal opportunity!”

      lol…this made me choke on my toast

    • miss t-lee

      “You want my seat on the train lil lady? No! Equal opportunity!”

      Wow. You should be proud of yourself.
      ::full sarcasm intended::

    • miss t-lee

      “You want my seat on the train lil lady? No! Equal opportunity!”

      Wow. You should be proud of yourself.
      ::full sarcasm intended::

    • http://www.goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

      ok…I ain’t mad at you Slim…lol…you should give up the seat on the train…and be clear about who’s paying before you hit the door…but the “on top”-ness…hell nah! she’s just being lazy! Women’s Lib and sh*t…do you know how long women had to be on the bottom? Now when they finally get a chance to saddle up, they get “tired”…our for-mothers got rode hard and hung up wet…now it’s our turn to mount up, put an arch in your back, and make him say your name!!! THAT is the kind of feminism a sister can get behind…LOL

      ***joking (but only a little) lighten up and sh*t***

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “our for-mothers got rode hard and hung up wet”

        i never understood the meaning of this saying. can somebody please break it down for me?

        • miss t-lee

          It’s an old saddle term.
          Better yet…here ya go.
          http://www.phrases.org.uk/bulletin_board/7/messages/597.html

        • miss t-lee

          It’s an old saddle term.
          Better yet…here ya go.
          http://www.phrases.org.uk/bulletin_board/7/messages/597.html

        • miss t-lee

          old horse saying.

          here’s what I found for ya…
          : What does this mean and where did it come from? Please settle this argument.

          : Rode hard and put up wet. It refers to riding a horse “hard” to exhaustion and putting him up “wet,” rather than brushing him off and cooling him down. Or whatever one does with a sweaty horse.

          We’ll, that’s exactly what one does with a horse that has been “rode hard.” See to the horse’s needs before one’s own needs. The phrase implies that an emergency occurred, and that once the horse had responded beyond normal expectations, it was abandoned.

          As currently used, it means that something was used very hard to accomplish an objective, and then thrown aside because it was no longer immediately useful

        • miss t-lee

          old horse saying.

          here’s what I found for ya…
          : What does this mean and where did it come from? Please settle this argument.

          : Rode hard and put up wet. It refers to riding a horse “hard” to exhaustion and putting him up “wet,” rather than brushing him off and cooling him down. Or whatever one does with a sweaty horse.

          We’ll, that’s exactly what one does with a horse that has been “rode hard.” See to the horse’s needs before one’s own needs. The phrase implies that an emergency occurred, and that once the horse had responded beyond normal expectations, it was abandoned.

          As currently used, it means that something was used very hard to accomplish an objective, and then thrown aside because it was no longer immediately useful

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “our for-mothers got rode hard and hung up wet”

        i never understood the meaning of this saying. can somebody please break it down for me?

    • http://www.goodeness.blogspot.com GOODENess

      ok…I ain’t mad at you Slim…lol…you should give up the seat on the train…and be clear about who’s paying before you hit the door…but the “on top”-ness…hell nah! she’s just being lazy! Women’s Lib and sh*t…do you know how long women had to be on the bottom? Now when they finally get a chance to saddle up, they get “tired”…our for-mothers got rode hard and hung up wet…now it’s our turn to mount up, put an arch in your back, and make him say your name!!! THAT is the kind of feminism a sister can get behind…LOL

      ***joking (but only a little) lighten up and sh*t***

  • http://threewaystotakeit.wordpress.com Slim Jackson

    This is pretty effin funny, and true. I think I teter on the line of BAB. I try to pass my reluctance to be chivalrous on “equal opportunity”. “You want my seat on the train lil lady? No! Equal opportunity!”
    “You want me to cover this whole dinner when it was your idea to go out for food? Cover half! Equal opportunity!”
    “I’m tired of bein on top! Equal opportunity!”

  • http://www.idatewhite.com Eathan

    haha.. This is funny. I’ve been unchivalrous before. Of course, that’s been years ago. I retired my BAB membership long ago!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “I retired my BAB membership long ago!”

      do you still pay membership dues?

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “I retired my BAB membership long ago!”

      do you still pay membership dues?

  • http://www.idatewhite.com Eathan

    haha.. This is funny. I’ve been unchivalrous before. Of course, that’s been years ago. I retired my BAB membership long ago!

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