The S.I.T. (Standardized Internet-Aptitude Test)

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“I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.”

— from “Creep“, by Radiohead

As anyone who has spent any amount of time exploring cyberspace will tell you, the internet is full of not VerySmart and not very savvy people. This is no surprise. The construction workers from Fraggle Rock have a higher median IQ than we (Americans) do. What is surprising, shocking, entertaining, and frightening though, is what happens when you give filter-less information to a legion of shiftless idiots. Don’t believe me? Just go, ummmm, anywhere (anywhere except here, of course) and see.

While I wont go as far as Lydia Cotton (who suggests we need to start monitoring and rationing internet usage like the Chinese), I do think we could use a test to decide who exactly gets access to certain information. For those who think this is too 1984-ish, think about it: We give people tests before they’re able to drive a car. What’s more dangerous, an unlicensed driver or an idiot who spent all day on StormFront and is now convinced Malia Obama is the Antichrist?

Anyway, as my contribution to this needed cause, here’s my rough initial version of the Standardized Internet Aptitude Test. If you don’t mind, be my test dummies today. With each question, choose the answer that best suits you.

1. Can you read good?

A) Yes (+1 point)

B) No (-5 points)

C) Wait, isn’t that supposed to be “Can you read well?“? (-10 points)

2. Where are you most likely to get breaking entertainment news?

A) Inferences made from Twitter trending topics (+3 points)

B) News websites (+1 point)

C) Black news websites (-3 points)

D) Black porn message boards (+4 points)

3. Facebook is…

A) A great way to keep in touch with friends and family (0 points)

B) A great way to not-so-subtly stalk people I’m attracted to and/or hate (+3 points)

C) A great way to meet new people (-3 points)

D) A great way to keep people updated about my relationships (-10 points)

E) A great way to expand my brand (Shut the f*ck up)

4. Kanye West’s “Power” video is…

A) Transcendent, paradigm shifting, and iconoclastic (-1 point)

B) Gay (+1 point)

C) Kinda gay, but typical Ye (+4 points)

D) Huh? (-4 points)

E) Confirmed proof that he’s a shape-shifting demon vessel for the Illuminati (-10 Points)

5. Online dating is…

A) For socially awkward lames (-4 points)

B) A perfectly legitimate way to meet people (0 points)

C) Eh (+1 point)

D) How I met your mother (+4 points)

6. Where do you spend most of your time online?

A) Working (+4)

B) Wherever I can be to help make sure that I’m doing as little work as humanly possible (+5)

C) Wherever the day’s best opportunity for self-righteous anger occurs (-2)

7. You’ve received your daily religion-themed email forward from your not-so-internet savvy 5th cousin (once removed). You…

A) Forward the forward (-5 points)

B) Talk subtle shit about them on Facebook (even though they’re one of your friends) (-5 points)

C) Read it (because you really don’t want to go to Hell) and delete it (+1 point)

8. Have you ever left a comment on a popular blog or website…

A) Just to let everyone know you’ve been offended and you’re never coming back to that blog or website again (-5 points)

B) Just to let the author know how stupid and/or irrelevant the day’s topic is (-10 points)

C) Just to say “Who cares?” (-175 points)

D) Just to say “Wow. I thought I was the only black person who felt that way/liked that movie/listened to that group” (-275 points)

E) Just to inform them of a typo (-7 points)

F) Just to inform them that a few of their crucial facts and figures are completely wrong (and why) (+2 points)

G) Just to plug your own website and/or business (-2 points)

H) Just to subtlety plug your own website and/or business (+2 points)

9. What was the last thing you purchased online?

A) Discounted tickets (+5 points)

B) A book (+5 points)

C) Cunnilingus (+1 points)

D) A CD (-2 points)

E) Porn (-10 points)

F) Nothing, because it’s not really safe to put your credit card info online (-15 points)

G) Pizza (You disgust me)

10. Do you live in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania?

A) No (0 points)

B) Yes (-10 points)

22-29 Points: You’re officially a teenaged Asian kid. Congratulations, Pokeman.

15-21 Points: What, you expect a special citation for being (somewhat) internet savvy? Here’s a cookie, and go Google the lyrics to “Nookie” to see what you should do with it next.

7-14 Points: Congratulations, you’re officially smarter than a Palin. Now shut the f*ck up and get your shinebox.

1-7 Points: You’re the person Nigerian men pray their newborn sons meet when they grow up so they can defraud you of $19,000.

0 and under: You, my friend, are an internet imbecile. If internet savvy were “breast elasticity“, you’d be Lisa Lampanelli. Two polar bears rape a kitten every time you enter cyberspace.

How did you do?

—The Champ

157 thoughts on “The S.I.T. (Standardized Internet-Aptitude Test)”

  2. i dont care if it doesnt make sense but your a racist bastirad (said with a thick african accent) for this . How do I score a negative 15? 3/5 of my personalities are viral internet celebrities.

    and looool at being disgusted by ordering pizza online. i order pizza online, jimmy johns online, qdoba burritos (syke on the qdoba, but you can do that now).

    Reply ↓

    • i dont care if it doesnt make sense but your a racist bastirad (said with a thick african accent) for this

      thanks. this is only the 3rd time so far today that’s ive been called racist. i need two more to fill my quota

      Reply ↓

  5. VSB need to stop writing posts that require the calculation of results. I’m never coming back and I’m going to talk about you on facebook, buy some porn with YOUR credit card and I am the only black person who feels this way.

    There. Points deez.

    Reply ↓

  6. I scored 100 points!!! *Special Ed voice* YAY!

    On the real, great post.
    I cried at (-175 points)
    and died at (-275 points)

    Reply ↓

  9. “8. Have you ever left a comment on a popular blog or website…

    H) Just to subtlety plug your own website and/or business (+2 points)”

    The truth shall set me free. Visit my site. LOL…

    Reply ↓

  11. Sooooo I always thought I had some Asian somewhere in the ancestry from way back. I scored a 22 so I that’s all the verification I need…lmao I was hoping my score was lower ’cause “I really wanted to go home and get my f*ckin’ shinebox!”(love that movie!). *hint,hint* sooooo is that what the vsb tees are going to look like? any chance I can get mine in purple? #wishful thinking #fatgirlswag

    Reply ↓

    • ” ’cause “I really wanted to go home and get my f*ckin’ shinebox!”(love that movie!).”

      I know, right! We actually have a shoe-shine place (actually TWO now…o_O) in the building where I work and I’ve always wanted to say this quote. But, too many attorneys be up in there. I’m trying to keep this here day job. Maybe I’ll do it on my way out? Plus, why is shoe-shining not a booming business but so much of a booming business that causes another business to compete with a well-established one like a dummy. What is this, The Great Depression? Oh wait, they did call it the Great Recession didn’t they?

      Reply ↓

    • They can’t look like that logo. The “.com” part is too small. People will look at the shirt and think it just says “I love Very Smart Brothas”, which is definitely no bueno for those of us VSBs who aren’t into nontraditional dating. Works great for VSSs, though.

      Reply ↓

      • The “.com” part is too small. People will look at the shirt and think it just says “I love Very Smart Brothas”, which is definitely no bueno for those of us VSBs who aren’t into nontraditional dating.

        it’s the women’s logo. there’s another one for men

        Reply ↓

    • The shirts can’t look like that logo. The “.com” part is too small. People will look at the shirt and think it just says “I love Very Smart Brothas”, which is definitely no bueno for those of us VSBs who aren’t into nontraditional dating. Works great for traditional VSSs, though.

      Reply ↓

      • My thoughts exactly. I wouldn’t even wear that to sleep for fear the BattyBoogieMan might get me.

        For men, they should create one that reads, “I Love Very Smart Sistahs vsb.com”.

        Reply ↓

  12. Hold up…Cheekie retweeted this but she didn’t comment. I think she’s plotting something…..

    1) -10 I be’s readin’ just fahn, thankyouverymuch
    2) -3 Negro news – stuff you only find on the mainstream on a slow news day
    3) I’ll just say zero, since I still can’t fool with Facebook. Or maybe I should go with “E” since I’m founding antisocialbook.com, where you let people know you don;t want to talk to them
    4) +4 It’s just what I expected. No homo
    5) +1 I’m ambivalent about trying
    6) +4 Is my boss reading this?
    7) +1 How do you know my cousin?
    8) +2
    9) +5 I’m still anti-Kindle
    10) 0

    1-7 Points: You’re the person Nigerian men pray that their newborn sons meet when they grow up so they can defraud you of $19,000.

    I just spent last weekend making fun of an acquaintance of mine who monitors online donations for a nonprofit org. I asked if it was a scam, since he’s Nigerian. He laughed. I gave $5 for having a sense of humor, and because I’m cheap

    Reply ↓

    • “Hold up…Cheekie retweeted this but she didn’t comment. I think she’s plotting something…..”

      Hey! I’m trying to use my inner-Communist and share the “first” wealth! Plus, I was too lazy to make a comment last night. But, apparently, not too lazy to RT the post. #ChickLogicOnAMonday

      Reply ↓

    • 2) -3 Negro news – stuff you only find on the mainstream on a slow news day

      the problem with (many of) the negro news websites is that the news is already like two weeks ago by the time it’s published. can’t have breaking news if the sh*t is already broke

      Reply ↓

  13. I order pizza online! It’s fun to watch the progress…*hangs head*. Never realized how silly it was until I read it in print.

    Reply ↓

  14. I scored a -7. I’ll accept that though, I just got on twitter last week and still cant figure out how to work the damn thing. I also still have my yahoo.com email which I have been told is soooo pase. Dah, well.

    Reply ↓

  16. Great topic champ,

    Y’kno if you take out those plus and minus symbols in front of the points.
    You would have a good laugh at the comments section.

    Anyway, I got 22……soooooo I failed???

    Reply ↓

    • “Y’kno if you take out those plus and minus symbols in front of the points.
      You would have a good laugh at the comments section.

      Anyway, I got 22……soooooo I failed???”

      i’m confused

      Reply ↓

  17. LMAO @ this whole post. I order my pizza online at papajohns.com dammit! What’s wrong with that? I scored a 10.

    Reply ↓

      • @Cheekie

        “It’s Papa Johns… lol”

        August 16th, 2010….11:22am: First time CNotes gives o_O to Cheekie.

        Reply ↓

        • I’m from the Chi. Papa Johns is suckitude in terms of pizza. They’re side dishes are the bomb though. That’s all I used to get in college…no pizza, just side dishes. Then again, I don’t do Dominoes either. I can’t with the big franchise pizzas really…those brick oven joints is where it’s at. lol

          Reply ↓

            • @Cheekie

              “I’m from the Chi”

              Ok…….Given that info, I understand now. Chicago does have a stamp on pizza that I can’t refute. That would be like someone telling me that Texas has the best Gumbo/Jambalaya/Boiled Crawfish. (Fisticuffs)

              Reply ↓

              • lol right…you feel me. We all got that food of other hometowns that the particular hometown would look at us like…”Um…that ain’t no [insert hometown specialty here].”

                Reply ↓

              • @Cheekie

                ”Um…that ain’t no [insert hometown specialty here].”

                lol!…and I have let a few ninjas in Texas know, “Just because you’re neighboring my home state (e.g. New York vs. New Jersey) …doesn’t mean you have our culture or cuisine. Sit cho arse down!!” LOL!

                Reply ↓

    • good job and sh*t. i’m sending your batch of cookies in the mail

      seriously though, since that’s going to be up all week, i was actually going to wait until tomorrow to link to it here.

      Reply ↓

      • I hope I haven’t effed up your plan, that was not my intent it kind of ended up being a *since we on the topic kind of post , but I shall never turn down cookies , so thanks.

        Reply ↓

  20. I scored a 4. . . Lol.

    Sidenote; somebody actually thinks malia obama is the anti christ. . . Lol. I need to go troll stormfont havent done that in a while. Those fools make chuckle a lil’ bit.

    Reply ↓

      • Am trying to gauge which of the two wins in terms of foolery! B*tch wins she calls herself a christian. . . ! You right tho their comments are classic.

        Reply ↓

        • I just read an article about the Aisha Tyler-Michelle Malkin dust up, but it only had a picture of Aisha. The reasoning? Google Image Michelle Malkin and see what comes up. Pure comedy

          Reply ↓

  21. Forget the quiz, is that picture an actual shirt that’s now available?

    *please say yes*

    If so, do you take money orders because you know it’s not safe to put your credit card information online. :-)

    I scored a 7, btw.

    Reply ↓

    • Forget the quiz, is that picture an actual shirt that’s now available?

      they will be soon and sh*t. we make them in three colors, black, white, and dobson

      Reply ↓

  22. YES! 22 points. I just, narrowly made it to teenage Asian kid! Which is funny because that’s what I’m called due to my squinty eyes and love for rice. Racists.

    Anyhow, I mentioned it on the Twittuh, but wanna make it official here. The new design is dope! Where my t-shirt? *hands out hand on some Oliver Twist sh*t*

    Reply ↓

  24. (sigh) Champ has confirmed what I long feared as a short black man with squinty eyes.

    I’m a teenage Asian kid on the inside. Although I thought the (-175) & (-275) would have killed my score. And (no racist) but I don’t think a teenage Asian kid has gotten anything lower than a 1400 on the SAT. Champ’s test however, holds no cultural bias – word to Shaq in Blue Chips.

    Reply ↓

    • Champ’s test however, holds no cultural bias – word to Shaq in Blue Chips

      see, i knew that year i worked for the princeton review would come in handy

      Reply ↓

  25. I got a 19. I least I’m (somewhat) internet savvy. If I would have scored points in 3, 5, and 10 I’d be a teenage Asian hipster obsessed with limited edition Nikes and skinny jeans and designer t-shirts. I’m still baffled by people under 40 that don’t know their way around the internet. But then again I remember people thinking it was a “nerd” thing when I was surfing the net back in the late 90s. If you were in HS in the 90s you should be somewhat fluent with the internet. One thing that I have noticed is that there is always something not right, kind of off, not there, etc. as far as being knowledgeable with someone young and not familiar with the internet. There are exceptions to the rule.

    Reply ↓

    • But then again I remember people thinking it was a “nerd” thing when I was surfing the net back in the late 90s

      i had never even been online before i got to college. and, i was still a one finger typist. there’s a joke in here somewhere about education in the pittsburgh suburbs

      Reply ↓

  26. I really wish there was a test like this… well, not exactly like this… something with better grammar and less racism ;-)

    Reply ↓

  27. H) Just to subtlety plug your own website and/or business (+2 points)

    where’s my 2 points @….cuz I appreciate such a well written and thoughtful blog on my birthday….lol.

    nah for real I think I scored a 10…

    Reply ↓

  28. You can’t test internet aptitude via the internet. It’s bad form and you’ll anger the Gods. It’s like using an Easy Button to find a lost Easy Button…or throwing away a trash-can into a larger trash-can.

    You probably just ripped a hole in the fabric of our dimension. Somewhere right now, there are other-worlders invading…and they’ll steal all of our Chick-fil-A sandwiches. I hope you’re proud of yourself.

    Curse you, Champ! Curse you!

    Reply ↓

  29. Champ, what the heck are you trying to do here using capital letters and sh!t? #confrooosed… Find your happy gramatically-deficient place.

    And don’t tell me find deez… Help me help you.

    Me no calculate, but if I had to guess me failed.

    Reply ↓

    • Find your happy gramatically-deficient place.

      hey! my grammar is always good and sh*t. don’t talk about me because i couldnt afford to fix the caps lock on my comp until last sunday

      Reply ↓

    • OMG, he DID write in capital letters! Man, I was getting to the point where I just saw lowercase letters whenever it was a Champ post…even when he writes properly over at clutch. Like, that’s your thing, Champ. Embrace it. Don’t tell me to embrace deez. That sounds painful, anyway.

      Reply ↓

  31. I got a -5….that’s cool, though. All I do online is read VSB, write my own blog – no plug – and play fantasy sports (laugh if y’all want, there are a bunch of y’all preparing for football drafts right now).

    BTW, nice Zoolander reference in question #1.

    Reply ↓

    • All I do online is read VSB, write my own blog – no plug – and play fantasy sports

      and, that’s really all you need to do on the internet. whats the point of going elsewhere if you have vsb?

      Reply ↓

  32. Dominos.com, papajohns.com, seamlessweb.com: Yeah, I be on that.

    And I cosign the “what’s the last thing you stole online?” addition. I used to bootleg music and never movies. I’d be a little self-righteous about it too. Now I’m just the opposite: I bootleg movies and not music (because if I get caught again I may get fined for copyright infringement). I support what really needs supporting, though. Like, I’ll always see a Tyler Perry movie in theaters. LOL. ;) jkjk

    Reply ↓

  33. So…I’m I’ve worked in digital advertising and social media marketing, and I got a -7. Looks like I need to look for another job.

    Reply ↓

  34. I scored a 19. I should be internet savvy. If I’m not, I need a quit my day job. Does reading a book online put you in some loser category?

    It does amaze me how much internet hours I log. I’m on all day at work, I go home and do mommy duties, then I eat my dinner (finally around 9pm) while going back online to facebook, world news (because I’m obsessed) and hitting the celebrity gossip train. I log off to catch my show, clean up the kitchen, then back online before I go to bed.

    This is a sickness. I need help.

    Reply ↓

    • “It does amaze me how much internet hours I log.”

      Yeah, same here. Like 75% of my job is internet related (Google research on potential clients and whatnot), which thankfully allows me to be not-so-productive on these here blogs since pretty much NOTHING is blocked here. I mean…barely anything.

      Reply ↓

      • I just want someone to say something stupid to me in an email so I can respond with this pic.

        Thanks Senor SoBo

        Reply ↓

        • Email? You’re imagination is limited. Think bigger.
          People say stupid sh*t in person all day.
          Print a copy and carry it in your back pocket.
          Wearing a skirt/dress, then carry it in your clutch.

          Reply ↓

  44. i’m waaaaaay. late. :-(

    but this was hilarious. -275 points deaded me.

    and no i’m not about to add up a score. always making a ninja think. geesh.

    Reply ↓

  46. Pingback: Anonymous

  48. You sir, are a complete moron. Here’s how the questions should be.

    1. Can you read good?

    A) Yes (+1 point)

    B) No (-5 points)

    C) Wait, isn’t that supposed to be “Can you read well?“? (+5 points)

    2. Where are you most likely to get breaking entertainment news?

    A) Inferences made from Twitter trending topics (-20 points)

    B) News websites (+1 point)

    C) Black news websites (-3 points)

    D) Black porn message boards (+4 points)

    3. Facebook is…

    A) A great way to keep in touch with friends and family (0 points)

    B) A great way to not-so-subtly stalk people I’m attracted to and/or hate (+3 points)

    C) A great way to meet new people (-3 points)

    D) A great way to keep people updated about my relationships (-10 points)

    E) A great way to expand my brand (Shut the f*ck up)

    4. Kanye West’s “Power” video is…

    A) Transcendent, paradigm shifting, and iconoclastic (-1 point)

    B) Gay (+1 point)

    C) Kinda gay, but typical Ye (-10 points for saying ye)

    D) Huh? (+5 points)

    E) Confirmed proof that he’s a shape-shifting demon vessel for the Illuminati (+300 Points)

    5. Online dating is…

    A) For socially awkward lames (-4 points)

    B) A perfectly legitimate way to meet people (0 points)

    C) Eh (+1 point)

    D) How I met your mother (+4 points)

    6. Where do you spend most of your time online?

    A) Working (-5)

    B) Wherever I can be to help make sure that I’m doing as little work as humanly possible (+5)

    C) Wherever the day’s best opportunity for self-righteous anger occurs (-2)

    7. You’ve received your daily religion-themed email forward from your not-so-internet savvy 5th cousin (once removed). You…

    A) Forward the forward (-5/+10 points(depends on reason))

    B) Talk subtle shit about them on Facebook (even though they’re one of your friends) (5 points)

    C) Read it (because you really don’t want to go to Hell) and delete it (-3 point)

    8. Have you ever left a comment on a popular blog or website…

    A) Just to let everyone know you’ve been offended and you’re never coming back to that blog or website again (-5 points)

    B) Just to let the author know how stupid and/or irrelevant the day’s topic is (-5 points)

    C) Just to say “Who cares?” (+10 points because it seems to be quite an effective method of trolling according to the original point number)

    D) Just to say “Wow. I thought I was the only black person who felt that way/liked that movie/listened to that group” (-275 points)

    E) Just to inform them of a typo (-7 points)

    F) Just to inform them that a few of their crucial facts and figures are completely wrong (and why) (+2 points)

    G) Just to plug your own website and/or business (-2 points)

    H) Just to subtlety plug your own website and/or business (+2 points)

    9. What was the last thing you purchased online?

    A) Discounted tickets (0 points)

    B) A book (-20 points because you didn’t download it instead)

    C) Cunnilingus (+1 points)

    D) A CD (-10 points)

    E) Porn (-10 points)

    F) Nothing, because it’s not really safe to put your credit card info online (-20 points)

    G) Pizza (+15 because they allow you to give special things to do. Like cutting it in the shape of a pentagram)

    H) Nothing. I download it or don’t get it because it’s probably not worth having.(+15 points)

    10. Do you live in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania?

    A) No (0 points)

    B) Yes (-10 points)

    Reply ↓

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