The Pretty Pragmatist: A breakdown of A Belle In Brooklyn’s “Man Manual”

Posted on by

Full disclosure: I dig Demetria Lucas.

Not in the “if we were in 4th grade, I totally throw paper at her in homeroom” way, but I appreciate her voice, admire her work, and hope to emulate the way she’s built herself into a brand. Also — and this may be slightly sexist, but I’m going to say it anyway — she’s one of the most self-aware women I’ve ever met. She seems to be completely aware of her strengths and weaknesses, and the level of forthright self-assessment she exhibits in her blogs is extremely rare and commendable. It may be an act, but if so, she deserves a f*cking Oscar.

Anyway, I’m making these points because I received an advance copy of A Belle In Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life — Lucas’ collection of allegorical anecdotes and tidbits all providing insight on how single women can, well, live their best single lives — in the mail a few weeks ago and intended to write a comprehensive review, but decided not to because of my lack of objectivity.

Plus, while some relationship-related fare takes aim at both genders (er, um, “Your Degrees Won’t Keep You Warm At Night“), A Belle In Brooklyn is unmistakably for women — well, “women” in general and “middle to upper-middle class women living in urban areas” in particular¹ — and me critiquing the advice in this book would be like writing a review of a transcript of the conversations my girlfriend has with her girls at brunch.

But, while my penis and my bias make me ill-equipped to review A Belle In Brooklyn, these possessions make me perfectly equipped to breakdown and question the validity of “The Man Manual” —  a chapter where Lucas shares 20 hidden “facts” about men to help women understand us better.

Let’s see if Demetria knows what the hell she’s talking about.

1. Men talk about relationships constantly. Just not with the woman they’re dating.

I agree, but you can also say the same thing about women. I mean, the only people I know (men and women) who have constant conversations with the person they’re currently dating about the relationship they’re currently in are in terrible f*cking relationships.

2. Despite rarely ever talking about feelings with their boys, men have them

I have to disagree with this. Not the “men don’t have feelings” part, but the fact that we don’t talk about them. We do, except that instead of with a large group of our boys while watching the NBA Finals, these things are said during one-on-one convos with our closest friends; convos that usually involve some combination of alcohol, highways, and down-on-their-luck (but still surprisingly plucky) strippers.

3. If they’re remotely interested in you, they want to do good. They want to make you happy and honestly don’t know how sometimes

I agree. We actually want all women to be happy all of the time, mainly because unhappy women annoy and scare us. Thing is, how invested we are in that happiness depends on our relationship with you. A ranking of women we’re not related to but really want to be happy goes like this:

A) Current significant other

B) Best friend of current significant other. (No bigger turd in the punch bowl than a perpetually unhappy and unfun best friend of your girlfriend)

C) Women we’ve recently broke up with. (Eases the guilt we might feel and the anxiety of us thinking about waking up one morning to a bunch of busted windows in our trucks)

4. Your salary and your degrees are complete non-factors in a man’s decision to date, marry, sex, or replace you

True. Unless, of course, you’re 6’5”, light-skinneded, from Chicago, and your name rhymes with “Tedman Scram”

5. Men don’t need to be reminded of our strength. Most know women are emotionally tougher. They just don’t want it thrown in their faces.

Eh. Can’t agree or disagree until someone tells me what the hell “emotionally tougher” means.

6. Pretty much everything they’ve ever dine since they hit puberty — from wearing cologne to washing daily to going to college to buying a car to taking out the garbage, and so on — has been in some from about getting more access to sex.

Agreed. I’d even add “founding and cultivating a ridiculously popular relationship-centric blog” in there as well.

7. Sex can be an act, like eating a sandwich or going to shoot hoops.

Correct. Shit, I even know some guys who — if they could — would find a way to have sex, eat a sandwich, and shoot hoops all at the same time. (And, by “some guys” I mean “I“)

8. They worry about how they look and perform in bed

Yea, I’ve said this before (and even mentioned it in our book) but we can be extremely neurotic when it comes to our bedroom performance and our, um, performance-related equipment.

9. They like to see you in sweats sometimes

Any women who’s ever been approached at Walmart while they thought they were looking a damn fool knows this is true.

10. Men like monochromatic colors. When our clothes look less buys, they aren’t distracted from our bodies and faces. White seems to be their favorite color.

Never thought about this, but I guess it’s true. When on the prowl, I personally try to stay away from the broads with the polkadot jumpsuits. And, if white is our favorite color, it’s only because it reminds us of Taylor Swift.

11. Sports are male soap operas or reality TV for men.

Agreed. And, as much as I’ve grown to appreciate Tami on “Basketball Wives,” I can now say that reality TV is like reality TV for men.

12. They like to protect you from the big bad world

Only if you swallow.

13. Men like confident women; at least, the good ones do.

I think this is a bit misleading. While it’s true that most of us can’t stand a women with shitty self-esteem, you can argue that our appreciation for confident woman has less to do with her confidence than the attributes she possesses — good looks, intelligence, a mean butt-naked BBQ game, etc — that allow her to be confident.

14. Most men don’t like makeup. Or at least they think they don’t. I’ve found that when men complain about makeup, what they’e really whining about is foundation and eye shadow.

I agree. Piggybacking on her point, I’ll say that we’re generally turned off if we notice the makeup. This also applies to weave, independence, exes and, surprisingly, sluttiness.

15. Men like to use their imagination. They will look if you’re parading the streets in an outfit best suited for a model in a King layout, but what really seems to do it for them is just enough of you to inspire their minds to wander

This is true, but there’s a sliding scale that’s based on how attracted we are to the woman and how much skin we get excited about. Basically, we’re likely to go apeshit if we catch a glimpse of a Stacey Dash doppelganger’s ankle, but Roseanne Barr better get butt naked for us to bat an eye.

16. They don’t bond best by talking. Two men can work on a car and grunt, or play one-on-one and grunt and feel as though they have bonded significantly.

Although “two men working on a car and grunting” sounds exactly how I’d imagine the first scene in a gay porno would read, I agree with her general point.

17. Men often say women talk too much, but what they mean specifically is nagging or women who say dumb shit that they don’t want to hear.

Tupac must really be back because this is the realest shit she’s ever wrote.

18. They hate being doubted or accused of anything they didn’t do. To us, it’s being inquisitive, but they interpret a casual inquisition as character assassination.

This is exactly why you always see cats doing the crackhead dougie on Maury when they’ve been vindicated.

19. They like compliments. A lot.

This is true. We even accept and appreciate the yearly swarm of backhanded compliments and appreciation that comes with Father’s Day

“Happy Father’s Day to all the fathers out there who aint good-for-nothing, aint shit dudes.”

20. They always tell us we think too much, but they think a lot. I don’t know if men know how to be spontaneous. They think about everything. Trust me.

Agreed. We’re always thinking, planning, and assessing. 99% of the time, those thoughts, plans, and assessments all revolve around one question: “How can I get her thongs in my mouth?”

Hmmm. Out of the 20 things listed, I completely agree with 16 of them. Not bad at all. Definitely worthy of The Champ’s stamp of approval.

Anyway, people of VSB.com, what do you think of A Belle In Brooklyn’s “Man Manual?” Did you agree with her list, and is there anything you’d add to it and/or subtract from it?

¹While I wouldn’t go as far as to call the book classist, I will say that I can imagine some people being turned off by the hundreds of references to vodkas, shoes, and locations with unpronounceable names and inconceivable price tags

—The Champ

Also, don’t forget your VSB duty to help keep Panama off the block and The Champ on the wagon and buy “Your Degrees Wont Keep You Warm at Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime”

553 thoughts on “The Pretty Pragmatist: A breakdown of A Belle In Brooklyn’s “Man Manual””

  1. Let me set aside some money to go pick up this book, sounds like it will be a wonderful read! On another unrelated note, I bump “Tupac Back” in the car at least once a day now because it makes me feel like I possess street cred in these here suburbs.

    Reply ↓

    • One time for girls that live in the ‘burbs….

      Used to hate folks telling me…”Oh, you don’t live in Houston…that’s the suburbs.”

      Reply ↓

    • “On another unrelated note, I bump “Tupac Back” in the car at least once a day now because it makes me feel like I possess street cred in these here suburbs.”

      i just “discovered” tupac back this weekend while at a nightclub. never has a song made me want to commit a crime before like that one

      Reply ↓

      • I’m new to VSB – but I think I love it.

        Just youtube’d “Tupac Back”. I’m gonna need a couple days to decide how I feel. Try not to commit any crimes though…

        Reply ↓

        • Makes me feel like I’m living all kind of dreams that I shouldn’t even be having in the first place.

          Reply ↓

      • ‘Ante Up’ is the realest, most unapologetic crime anthem…as is pretty much anything by MOP. they are the real-life version of who fat ricky plays on tv…i wonder if pac will come out wit’ another posthumous album slandering ross.

        Reply ↓

        • Ante Up is all the way gangsta. Not many can beat that nice hood anthem straight outta Locash Brooklyn. I’ve seen ish get real ugly real quick when that song comes on.

          Oddly enough I have been caught in the middle of the club doing my best Remy Ma impersonation minus the shooting and jail time.

          Reply ↓

        • Yes to Ante Up!!!!! I think I’m straight non-gentrified hood listening to that ish….

          Ross makes me feel like I’m a smooth arse gangsta every time…Why does he have that effect on people? He was a mutha scratchin CO?!?!?!

          Reply ↓

        • *yells at the top of her lungs* FOOL WUTCHU WANT? YOUR LIFE OR YOUR JEWELS?!

          Yea I’m about that life….

          Reply ↓

        • That’s Brownsville home of Mike Tyson…& where Antonie Fuqua shot Brooklyns Finest, like Jigga said,”like a Brooklyn nigga straight outta Brownsville”

          Reply ↓

  2. “Only if you swallow” will be said at lest 25 times by the end of the week. Thank you for my new “That’s what she said.”

    Reply ↓

  4. Nice breakdown! I like having a mans insight, & I want that book (as well as yours – lemme go to my Amazon cart riiiiight now!) :)

    Reply ↓

    • “Nice breakdown! I like having a mans insight, & I want that book (as well as yours – lemme go to my Amazon cart riiiiight now!) ”

      did you just go to the cart or did you actually hit “purchase?”

      Reply ↓

      • LMAO!! Went to the cart, BUT only b/c Jill drops Tuesday so I’m gonna hit purchase RIIIIGHT NOW as it’s technically Tuesday. :) I know, I’m weird…

        Reply ↓

  5. I agree with the list for the most part. Im not too sure about #5 though because I have no idea what she means by “emotionally tougher”. The same “Strong Black Woman” characteristic that everyone always talks about? idk

    And really,…………white is men’s favorite color……..I had no clue.

    **changes into a cute white sundress** lol

    Reply ↓

    • I agree with the list for the most part. Im not too sure about #5 though because I have no idea what she means by “emotionally tougher”. The same “Strong Black Woman” characteristic that everyone always talks about? idk

      yeah, i’m waiting on someone to come through and explain that

      Reply ↓

      • I’m not entirely sure… is it that we can handle emotions better because we display them more openly? I mean, of course from the outside looking in, a woman crying in hysterics doesn’t look like she’s “stable”, but once we let it all out, we tend to keep it moving… and survive. *shrug*

        Reply ↓

        • I think that’s what she means. I believe that has a lot to do with us living longer as well (insert joke abt women nagging mean literally to death).

          Also, women have to deal with being the backbone of society. We bear the children, nurture them, console and build up our partners, all while dealing with sexism, sexual violence, and all the blame for everything that goes wrong (insert conservative rhetoric about women not being at home being the reason our country is in the toilet).

          Reply ↓

    • white + sundress = win.
      (at least as far as i know!).
      maybe it’s cuz they see through the items, depending on the material? lol.

      Reply ↓

      • You had me at dress… These days seems like women don’t believe in dresses … it’s all bout some tight ass pants, or the new style: grey flannel dress pants cut low in the back…???? Hope THAT shyt goes outta style soon.

        Reply ↓

        • ” it’s all bout some tight ass pants, or the new style: grey flannel dress pants cut low in the back…???? Hope THAT shyt goes outta style soon.”

          I’m glad that I neither own or know what you are referring to…..and im guessing I dont want to see it either. Dress pants cut low in the back????

          Reply ↓

          • LOL!!!! Oh my! I have no idea what that’s about either, and I’m glad! I wear skirts and dresses almost exclusively. I have some trousers, but in AZ I’d burst into flames wearing those things. I only have 1 or 2 pairs of shorts besides workout clothes, so for me, it’s either go naked or go in a dress/skirt.

            Reply ↓

          • It’s not so much that their cut low in the back as it always seems to be worn a size to small, and women… (usually at work)… bend over and ass crack for days. And not even in a good way….

            Reply ↓

  8. I pretty much agree with this whole list. It’ll be interesting to see who doesn’t and why.

    (gets comfortable and waits for someone else to bring the midnight snacks this time)

    Reply ↓

  9. Completely disagree with #4: I have no business laying with uneducated, broke women. Period. I don’t care what she looks like. I would prefer to date someone who has the same ideals as me regarding financial outlook & attitude, and also that values education.

    Agree w Champ on #16 regarding the level of gay inherent in that point.

    Everything else seems to be roughly correct.

    Reply ↓

    • “Completely disagree with #4: I have no business laying with uneducated, broke women”

      i dont think that’s what she meant by that. its more that we (men) aren’t going to be like “damn…i don’t think she’s cute at all, but that law degree makes her marriage material”

      Reply ↓

  10. 18. They hate being doubted or accused of anything they didn’t do. To us, it’s being inquisitive, but they interpret a casual inquisition as character assassination.

    “This is exactly why you always see cats doing the crackhead dougie on Maury when they’ve been vindicated.”

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SGtWssdauME

    I like how the crowd cheers for him.

    Reply ↓

    • Is it wrong that I LOVE the MAURY SHOW?….

      I don’t care what nobody says, THAT is reality tv. The only reality TV. If you see a cat dancin cuz he’s happy he ain’t the father…that shyt is REAL!

      And why do those women swear they are “100000% sure…” and turn around and be wrong??? Why not just come on there and be like “Hey…I don’t know. Let’s get the results and we’ll see…”

      Reply ↓

  11. > 13. …you can argue that our appreciation for confident woman has less to do with her confidence than the attributes she possesses — good looks, intelligence, a mean butt-naked BBQ game, etc — that allow her to be confident.

    ** takes notes **
    Can someone remind me when VSB starts soliciting for ideas for the next VSB-bbq.
    kthanx.

    > 14. Most men don’t like makeup….
    I can’t speak for “most men” but I can say I appreciate make-up (and its wearer) when it’s used to accentuate features that already exist. I hate when women wear it like its a freakin competition or to cover up who they are (with the possible exception of Sanaa Lathan).

    Reply ↓

    • I was taught to pick one area of my face & highlight just that. I picked my eyes. I don’t do much else except a nice lip gloss.

      Reply ↓

        • I think that’s the easiest place to go. I tried wearing blush one day; people asked me if I was OK and if something happened to my face- so I’m not crazy about the blush. I think I look weird with colored lipstick so usually I wear a natural toned lip gloss (actually usually just lip balm). My eyes are all that’s left LOL

          Reply ↓

          • My makeup game is so lame… No matter what I do, my eye shadow never looks the way I want it to… I can never see the blush/bronzer in the mirror but they miraculously appear in pictures and I look like a clown and I can only do eyeliner on the top lid… I think my makeup lameness stems from the fact that I have nary an artistic bone in my body… I pretty much just stick to mascara and gloss… O well.

            Reply ↓

            • that’s my makeup game… lipgloss and mascara… or lip balm/chapstick and mascara… i can’t put on makeup to save my life… i just rock the skin God gave me… i also don’t have any artistic talents at all… my stick figures look messed up…

              Reply ↓

    • I hate when women wear it like its a freakin competition or to cover up who they are

      You mean like the girls (and some boys) who work at the MAC counter hunh? They scare the crap out of me. Its like how am I supposed to take you and your makeup advice seriously if you look like you just left the tent of Ringling Brothers??

      Personally, my makeup application is on point. I know how to enhance my looks without looking too made up. Its worked so well I’ve become the unofficial makeup artist for my sisters and cousins.

      Reply ↓

      • I think the people at MAC are wearing the shades to sell it. Of course, that doesn’t mean it’s applied correctly. But I have been intrigued by some hues I’ve seen ladies wear in Sephora and have placed brands on a wish list.

        Reply ↓

        • Right like Olivia on Jerseylicious (quality, educational entertainment, I know); her look is over the top but she doesn’t make her clients look like her. She uses make-up to create a “look” that she likes but she’s knowledgable about what looks good on others. I’m cool with outrageous make-up; it’s another way to express oneself.

          Reply ↓

  13. Interesting list. I might check the book out. Just one thing: I love my eyeshadow. I may not cake it on like I’m ready for a day on the Drew Carey Show, but I needs it for when I’m going out. That sucks if he hates it. Just as long as bacon’s still high on the list.

    Reply ↓

    • that broad on drew carey took eye shadow to a hole ‘nother level and then some… glad to hear that you are not into it like that :D

      Reply ↓

      • Everytime I saw her I wanted to throw a jar of Pond’s cold cream at her face. Ugh! My eyeshadow’s noticeable, but damn.

        Reply ↓

    • I love my make-up and guys have never indicated they have a problem with it. although, the more dramatic looks are generally lost on men and more appreciated by women. I usually rock a natural look so it’s not an issue. I am somewhat in love with my eye liner though.

      Reply ↓

      • that’s my regimen – I tend to do a dramatic eye/neutral lip @ night, & I’m pretty neutral all over during the day (if I do my eyes at all) :)

        Reply ↓

  14. hmmm ok…

    4. Your salary and your degrees are complete non-factors in a man’s decision to date, marry, sex, or replace you

    I’ve always said this doesn’t matter…and i especially say it to the chicks who constantly holler about having a Masters degree, a paid for condo, a bmw, and a 401k…yet they couldn’t understand how LaSheniquaisha STAYS having a man…

    5. Men don’t need to be reminded of our strength. Most know women are emotionally tougher. They just don’t want it thrown in their faces.

    Men don’t need to be reminded of our strength. Most know women are emotionally tougher. They just don’t want it thrown in their faces.

    My personal view is this…if you constantly have to talk about something, who exactly are you trying to convince??…and I hate the blanket statement all black women are are strong..etc, etc..being black and a woman doesn’t automatically make you strong the same as being white doesn’t automatically mean you have good credit…oh wait,,,

    6. Pretty much everything they’ve ever dine since they hit puberty — from wearing cologne to washing daily to going to college to buying a car to taking out the garbage, and so on — has been in some from about getting more access to sex.

    Agree. But, everything a woman does from puberty on is try to figure out how to effectively be attractive ….some have died trying…

    7. Sex can be an act, like eating a sandwich or going to shoot hoops.
    I’ve seen this in action…and he didn’t love his gal any less…not that I condone cheating…but dude would have got away with it too if ole girl he was “acting” with didn’t run and tell his main…which just goes to show that you can’t trust a bottom Bish..

    8. They worry about how they look and perform in bed
    Ive said it before and i’ll say it again…if she loves you will never actually really and truly know…get her mad and the truth will literally set u free

    9. They like to see you in sweats sometimes

    I would REALLY like someone to explain this to me…When I’m not going out I dress for comfort aka I look like bank robbing lesbian…yet I get the most play…i get suited and booted..and nothing…please let me know, cuz I swear to you next time I go out I’ll be wearing basketball shorts and a beater…

    13. Men like confident women; at least, the good ones do.

    we (women) can never seem to get that down. We possibly need to take a class in confidence vs arrogance.

    14. Most men don’t like makeup. Or at least they think they don’t. I’ve found that when men complain about makeup, what they’e really whining about is foundation and eye shadow.

    13. Men like

    I don’t wear makeup and I pull more than my friend who stays caked up….if the object is to get you in bed, they don’t need the visual of your Ebony Fashion Fair messing up their pillowcases….

    15. Men like to use their imagination. They will look if you’re parading the streets in an outfit best suited for a model in a King layout, but what really seems to do it for them is just enough of you to inspire their minds to wander

    I have heard this mythical “fact” but I have yet to see it work…i will not buy into this leave some for the imagination ish until I see it….women know no matter how tasteful you may be LaSheniquaisha will walk in with a too tight 579 outfit and wreck shop…

    this all i got lol

    Reply ↓

    • First off, “LaSheniquaisha” wow. I’m clowning right now. That’s too funny. The multiple-syllable, obviously ethnic names are always funny

      8. They worry about how they look and perform in bed
      Ive said it before and i’ll say it again…if she loves you will never actually really and truly know…get her mad and the truth will literally set u free

      Eh….From a man’s perspective, that’s not good and not necessarily true. Some women will actually tell you how u look/good you are in the sack, if you prove that you can take whatever they’re gonna say. And if he’s asking you to honestly tell him so that he can be a better lover, why wouldn’t you be completely hoenst?

      Secondly, if a man gets a women mad and he’s good in bed (and she knows he’s proud of that), she would tell him that he sucks in the sack to effectively hit him real hard in that one spot that we hate to take hits: the ego.

      Reply ↓

      • lol real talk…i live in the south..and that is a real name..*shrugs* i went to school with her…

        and i;ve learned form experience no matter how well they “say” they can handle it..men cannot fully handle being told they ain’t ish in the sack…they go from being aight to trying their BEST to poke holes in your cervix…ain’t nothing worse than a having relations with someone who has something to prove..they end up doing the most for the least…

        Reply ↓

        • As long as you’re willing to elaborate on your ‘score’ or evaluation I’m perfectly fine with it. I just think women are bad at explaining why it was bad without us feeling like you’re attacking us. Granted there’s a large, large degree of tact involved in this but it isn’t impossible or improbable that we couldn’t internalize criticism on this subject.

          Reply ↓

        • Well, next time u gotta tell one that they aint ish, try to give him some instructions too so that he doesn’t feel too bad, and he knows how and where to improve. I mean, as a dude it only seems logical to try and work on the areas where she says you’re weak.

          Reply ↓

          • Ok…so hypothetically

            you ask, and your girl says ” ________ i hate when you do_______. It’s uncomfortable and I wish you do _______ instead.

            but lets say ________ is how you’ve always done it and you’ve gotten no complaints thus far. Do you feel offended, hurt, annoyed, or determined??

            Reply ↓

            • Initially, a guy may feel some kinda way, (some roll with the punches easier than others) if he hasn’t gotten complaints so far, but after sorting through that, I’d be determined.

              My thing is, if she’s my girl, I’m with her right now and I potentially see a future with her. She’s the one I’m solely focused on, so if she wants it that way, I’ll try to accommodate her (and expect the same from her should i ask her to do xyz)

              Reply ↓

        • Caballeroso just asked me this on my blog. This is a touchy subject and I’d rather wait for it to get better (or not) than mess around trying to help him get better. He’s gonna get all up in his feelings and it could get ugly. If I’m married to him or in a long term thing, that’s another matter. I’m gonna speak up. Otherwise its three strikes you’re out. a few more if you have a good personality.

          Reply ↓

          • But how will he ever learn if he doesn’t know what he’s doing wrong? And then do you lie to him about why you never want to see him again when he doesn’t get better?

            Reply ↓

            • Eh, I don’t care if he learns or not. I’m not gonna be the chick dealing with the fallout when he takes my suggestions the wrong way. Yes I lie. There are 50 ways to lose your lover. My fav: just stop answering the phone/texts.

              Reply ↓

        • Sad to admit… but I’ve been guilty of this, till a very kind woman sat my ignant ass down and broke it down for me.

          Now I realize less is more, and eatin pussy is the key to life. and happiness. communication is the key in bed. She was also kind enough to disabuse me of the notion that a long dick is what’s up. She explained that thickness counts too. Luckily,…I’m hung like a Foster’s Lager can. So it’s all good….

          Reply ↓

      • I dunno about that. I’ve never told anyone they were bad in the sack- not even in an argument (and I’ve had bad partners on more than one occasion). I’m more likely to make suggestions about what I like, than to say “you suck, mate, do it this way!”, if we are in some kind of relationship. If we aren’t in any kind of relationship, he’ll just never hear from me again. UNLESS I decide to give him another chance. Lonely nights sometimes call for second chances for bad lovers. ;)

        Reply ↓

        • “I dunno about that. I’ve never told anyone they were bad in the sack- not even in an argument (and I’ve had bad partners on more than one occasion). I’m more likely to make suggestions about what I like, than to say “you suck, mate, do it this way!”

          This is how I operate as well. I believe in being tactful and see no sense in humiliating someone (without due cause). The few times I’ve said things out of anger to someone I cared about (and none of them were regarding sexual performance), I felt terrible afterwards. So, how would that make me look if the sex is “all of a sudden” wack, but I’ve been mounting that joint on a regular basis?

          Reply ↓

          • i’m the same way…i’ve never said anything bad sexually in anger…HOWEVER, i might as well have, because when I did mention it, it became an issue…no matter how tactful I said….

            and i should also mention that I never just sat down and been like i don’t like this, this, and this….but I have been asked by my S/O for the truth..and they got it..gently

            Maybe it was the type of dude I was dealing with, but no matter how nice and kind I said whats wrong they still would brood about it…they would never mention it again really, but they always have that look

            Reply ↓

            • yeh chalk that up to ole boy. i mean, if he was your S/O, he shouldn’t take it too hard. We men need to understand that different women like different things so don’t take it too hard.

              Reply ↓

            • There’s lots of women out there who respond the same way if their partner told them they don’t like how they fix spaghetti, or whatever, so it goes both ways. I try to endure whatever I don’t like, if my mate seems quite pleased with it. LOL! Like ear licking- YUCK MAN! Then I ask them to try something new, not mentioning how I feel about ear licking at all. What they don’t know won’t hurt them. If they were going something I was uncomfortable with, then I’d just tell them I don’t like when you do that, so please don’t. Sometimes your partner already knows the sex was bad. He was there too, you know. ;) In that case it’s easier to talk about it, because it’s kind of a joke (depending, on why it was so bad, of course).

              Reply ↓

        • I think it’s an art …being a woman and tellin a man where his bed game is lacking. It takes tack and maturity that sadly only is developed in most women later in life.

          Reply ↓

      • ..from what I hear in the streets …your bottom is now the girl who does the dirty work…

        Your main is essentially the trophy piece…the figurehead..the one you claim

        In a sense..your bottom chops rocks…your main wears them

        but the bottom is aware of the main…but not vice versa

        I too was confused and had to have a certified G explain it to me…which made my head hurt…

        Can;t we just go back to the days when your main chick passed the peas (like we used to do) and the gat??

        sigh

        Reply ↓

        • i hate when they change slang up… damn young ppl… they need to make their own slang up and not start messing up slang that i can slang without feeling like i don’t know what i’m talking about perfectly good terms and sayings…

          duly noted theeclectic thx

          Reply ↓

          • Imma still ride with thr Original meanings…they got too many names now, boo thang, wifey, junt, jawn etc etc

            *kicks back a BC* yall can have it…whatever happened to homey love friend??i think that just about covers it

            Reply ↓

          • I KNOW!!!… I’m still madd they effed up the word “Blunt”… DAMNIT! In NYC circles, a ‘blunt’ is simply a fat ass joint. Not weed rolled in a damn cigar paper (Heresy!)….

            and for any future job interviewers listening in…”at least that’s what I always heard”.

            *ahem*… ((rolls eyes left, and changes subject))…

            Reply ↓

        • i’m with Yoles, the “bottom-b*” is the one that was there first. Everyone knows she deals with you no matter who else you’re seen with. She still be working but she eats first, ya dig?

          Reply ↓

          • nah – the bottom bish is exactly that – the bottom. she could have been there first and may even be there last but she doesn’t ever get to be girlfriend or even wife. the homeys know her but she’ll never meet mom or grandmom or the kid(s).

            lil kim is classic bottom bish – big effed her pretty quick, lied to her about not being with anyone else (at the time his baby mom’s), faith waltzed in and they got married after 2 weeks and big was flaunting his wife all in her face and she just had to take it…and she never stopped loving him. then post death she got all out of pocket and mamma BIG had to shut her down… it’s all fun and games until the bottom bish tries to get out of her lane.

            i had this conversation last night… life would be so much easier if ninjas kept their bishes in line…

            Reply ↓

        • I thought it was the other way around. There’s your bottom bish, baby girl which she’s vying for the spot and counts as his #2, and jumpoff who only gets what starts with the letter D

          Reply ↓

    • > if she loves you will never actually really and truly know…get her mad and the truth will literally set u free
      lol
      This is the truth :D . I’ve seen this situation but only on t.v. It hasn’t come up in my real life. I’ve only been given the “you ain’t sleek” when I pushed some wrong buttons that led to a heated exchange. So I guess I’m good.

      Reply ↓

      • No this is realest!… I believe you never really know a woman till you’ve pissed her completely off… then you’re liable to get more truth than you expected.

        Reply ↓

    • 9. They like to see you in sweats sometimes

      I would REALLY like someone to explain this to me…When I’m not going out I dress for comfort aka I look like bank robbing lesbian…yet I get the most play…i get suited and booted..and nothing…please let me know, cuz I swear to you next time I go out I’ll be wearing basketball shorts and a beater…

      This is actually partially explained in number 15….
      15. Men like to use their imagination. They will look if you’re parading the streets in an outfit best suited for a model in a King layout, but what really seems to do it for them is just enough of you to inspire their minds to wander

      As for the other part, it’s assumed that your girl will look nice when she’s all “dolled up”, damn near anybody can make themselves look impressive with extra effort, but if she can look nice when she’s chillin at the supermarket without all the extra effort (which includes all that damned caked up make up – cosign number 14), that’s someone I wouldn’t mind waking up next to.

      Reply ↓

      • This right here. Now that I think about it, most everyone I dated looked better ‘plain’ than they did when they were dolled up.

        I’m much more impressed by the woman who’s attractive at 3 PM on a Saturday than I am by one who’s attractive at 3 AM.

        Reply ↓

        • Yes!

          And a corollary to this:

          If you can’t go from us layin in bed doin the Tmes crossword puzzle…to us walkin out the door on the way to IHOP on a whim… in under 10 minutes (includin washin your ass)…then you doin too much.

          Reply ↓

    • “I would REALLY like someone to explain this to me…When I’m not going out I dress for comfort aka I look like bank robbing lesbian…yet I get the most play…i get suited and booted..and nothing…please let me know, cuz I swear to you next time I go out I’ll be wearing basketball shorts and a beater…”

      LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION

      Reply ↓

        • Some, I suppose…I just start thinking about the sister in the suit from last year’s post when we rated the pictures.

          4, 5, 3, 1, 2: memories…IIRC, the one in the suit was actually #4.

          Reply ↓

        • lol…naw not an actual suit lol…like typical I’m going out and being cute wear, cute jeans and shirt or a dress, the mandatory heels, etc, etc. At least I think I look nice…but when i’m at, lets say Walmart or something at the buttcrack of dawn looking foolish (IMO) thats when I get “hey, how you doin”..lol..I will never understand *shrugs*

          Reply ↓

            • Stop it. That casual look is whats poppin’ in the streets.

              A woman that is comfortable with herself exudes confidence.

              That don’t mean you can come out without washing and what not but if you don’t have to get all dolled up to go to the store, that’s really good.

              Reply ↓

              • I see but the irk part is when I’m not looking dolled up is when I DON’T want to be hit on. It’s flattering but when I’m coming from the gym is not the time to be like “whaddup ma?!” lolol

                Reply ↓

                • yeah, when i’m drenched in sweat from hot yoga and just trying to walk to my car, all i can think of is a shower….not assess whether dude hollering has straight teeth, is easy on the eyes and likes uconn sports…ie – worthy of accepting his #

                  Reply ↓

                  • I can’t speak for everyone but an attractive woman glistening with sweat will get a double take and possibly an randy thought or two within seconds… Face it, women are probably sexy 90% of the time to all men regardless of whether or not you “feel” sexy.

                    Reply ↓

                • I’m of the mind that if i approach a woman I’m not gonna start with waddup ma… I probably compliment your eyes and give you my business card and tell you to call me sometimes.

                  *drives off

                  Reply ↓

  15. > 9. They like to see you in sweats sometimes

    So true! I’ve noticed when random chick X is shopping @ a grocery store in sweats, I get to thinking “if she looks like that when she’s not even trying, I wonder how she looks when she puts her sexy on”.
    Another thing that turns men on is when the chick is walking around wearing my shirt or pants in the morning (& its clearly over-sized for her) to go make breakfast or even just go to the bathroom. I don’t know what it is about it but that sh*t turns me segzy!

    Reply ↓

    • Yeah we go crazy for girls wearing our clothes that are clearly oversized for them. But let’s qualify this sweatpants thing. Don’t roll up to Walmart, Shoprite, Target, with some DUSTY sweatpants (that “comfort-wear”, eg. faded with the letters/labels falling off and holes, etc) and expect ninjas to roll out like gangbusters and holla atcha.

      Reply ↓

      • Can we add another qualifier in there. As Way Up there stated with the locations “Walmart, Shoprite, Target” is totally cool and obviously the gym BUT wearing sweats and basketball shorts outside of the grocery stores and the like you may get a serious side-eye.
        * There is also a sliding scale of how much you can get away with depending on how fine you are*

        Reply ↓

    • LOL, it is surprising when you go out knowing you looke like a bum and a guy tries to holler. In my mind, I’m thinking “he’s trying to run game, I know I look a mess.”

      Reply ↓

  16. I dug the book. Definitely proved to be an entertaining read. For me, it just reinforced what most happily single women are already aware of: men are really not as complicated as we sometimes imagine; we’re the ones that take their simplicities and turn them into something complex and enigmatic lol

    Glad to hear a male perspective of ABIB. I have to say though, I’d like more insight to number 18. How do you approach a man with a “casual inquiry” without it being interpreted as a confrontation or an attack of his character? And even if it’s not so casual, why can’t a man understand that the concerns are coming from a truly good place, not meant to be offensive?

    Reply ↓

    • I think the bottomline is if it isn’t earthshattering or absolutely necessary to the health of our relationship with you, its probably best to keep it to yourself. That’s generally how we handle it because in most experiences, women don’t seem to like criticism and men don’t like drama. I make that point to say that when women make “casual inquiries” generally they are made in an accusatory tone. Is this a gross generalization? Yes. Are there exceptions? Definitely. A perfect example is the “Are you lost” discussion. Let me set the scene: Man and woman are driving to location neither has been to before. The following conversation ensues:

      Woman: Do you know where you are going?
      Man: Yes.
      Woman: Should we stop and ask for directions?
      Man: No, I got it.
      Woman: Do you have the right address?
      * Man kicks woman out of car traveling at high rate of speed*…I kid, but you get the picture.

      Generally, what the man heard during that conversation was: “You dumba$$ motherf*cker, your stupid a$$ doesnt even know where you’re going do you?”
      The reality is that the woman probably was genuinely trying to be helpful, but it came across as condascending like she was somebody’s momma.

      This is the conundrum and reason for 90% of arguments between men and women. We haven’t figured out how to speak to each other. As men we think the best solution is to keep it to ourselves if it isn’t absolutely necessary to address. I haven’t come across a better strategy yet. Open for suggestions, but my advice would be for women to employ the same strategy.

      Reply ↓

      • “This is the conundrum and reason for 90% of arguments between men and women. We haven’t figured out how to speak to each other.”

        so true, so true

        Reply ↓

      • “As men we think the best solution is to keep it to ourselves if it isn’t absolutely necessary to address.”

        As a woman, I do this more often than I don’t. Unless you need to know it I don’t need to tell you.

        Reply ↓

      • “I think the bottomline is if it isn’t earthshattering or absolutely necessary to the health of our relationship with you, its probably best to keep it to yourself”

        ***nodding head***

        Reply ↓

      • learning to pick your battles is something they really should teach in college… we women want to “talk” or share our opinion about everything… sometimes we just need to learn to shut the eff up.

        Reply ↓

    • the simple answer…ie …the one you won’t wanna hear is:

      Don’t make the casual inquiry… Let it go. If something’s up, you’ll know soon enough. Just keep ya Spidey senses tuned, and ya mouth closed….

      Reply ↓

  17. > 2. Despite rarely ever talking about feelings with their boys, men have them
    I completely agree with this.
    Fellas will talk about our feelings if its discussed in a non-life-or-death way. Unless it really is serious we don’t “need to talk”. Instead of specifically allotting time for the “why-didn’t-you-pick-up” convo, just kinda bring it up while I’m helping with the dishes. It just helps me feel like whatever answer I give is not gonna be carved in stone & entered into the official record at the Smithsonian or something—which is how I feel when our calendar is cleared for a specific face-to-face sit-down after a “we need to talk” text.
    #justMe?

    Reply ↓

    • This is on point. To us, we carve out time to have “the talk” because it’s important to us. And that’s our way of making sure you know. But, everything doesn’t have to be the do-or-die type set up in order to have an meaningful discussion.

      I think more women would benefit for heeding this knowledge…myself included.

      Reply ↓

      • Nothing wrong and i can appreciate, and to add, never tell a guy “We need to talk.” We will automatically assume that you are: a) pregnant, b) breaking up, c) going to tell us you have a sex tape circulating on FAMU’s campus. No man look’s forward to “The Talk,” so it’s probably best to spring it on us at the right time…(Did i just say that?)

        Reply ↓

          • Man! You aint never lied on that one. We over here trying to get our alibi and references together and haven’t even done anything. Turns out she wants to talk about why you always hang your dress shirts on the door instead of hanging up in the closet.

            Reply ↓

            • “We over here trying to get our alibi and references together and haven’t even done anything. Turns out she wants to talk about why you always hang your dress shirts on the door instead of hanging up in the closet.”

              LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is the TRUTH!

              Although I never use the “we have to talk” method, I know so many who do. I prefer to just come out and say, “Babe, this is the laundry basket….have you two met?”

              Reply ↓

      • I think the word “the talk” a text saying “we need to talk” or whatever is quite possibly the worst words you can ever say to a man. It scares us. Now, if we know what “the talk” is about, we can perhaps take these words a little bit better but sometimes folks let tension build up before having a discussion and the guy may not know what is going to come up in the discussion when you mutter the words “we need to talk.” Upon hearing that phrase time seems to stand still until the scheduled event. Give a brotha a clue early on, It can prevent a heart attack. I agree with Simba. Africana on having these discussions taking place in the middle of normal behavior, it helps reduce the tension DRASTICALLY as well as were not in panic mode that we F’d up majorly and dont even know when/where/how it occurred.

        Reply ↓

    • LOL, this makes sense. Although, everything you say WILL be carved into stone and entered into the Smithsonian vault we don’t have to make it seem that way.

      Reply ↓

    • Instead of specifically allotting time for the “why-didn’t-you-pick-up” convo, just kinda bring it up while I’m helping with the dishes. It just helps me feel like whatever answer I give is not gonna be carved in stone & entered into the official record at the Smithsonian or something

      These are wise words. When I want to talk about something important with my husband, I wait until he’s been in the mancave playing Madden for about a half hour and then I go in and start shooting the $hit. When we’ve talked and laughed for a few I say very non-chalantly, “Oh, you know what I had meant to tell you/ask you,” and move forward with the topic at hand. This is how the majority of our important business gets done, because it is a non threatening, casual environment, kinda like how white men like to do business on the golf course. We have solved many a problem, developed many a game plan, and work through many decisions just like this. Non-threatening, and casual is definitely the way to go if you want to take care of business with your man. And if he says, “Hmm.. can we talk about this one later. I just don’t feel like thinking about this right now,” I don’t persist. I revisit at a later date in the same casual way.

      Reply ↓

      • Agree. This approach works with my hubby as well. It’s better to bring up an issue nonchalantly when some time has passed. Then you get a real, honest discussion going on both sides.

        Reply ↓

      • You are a good woman. You might want to teach a class on “Broaching the subject… with him”.

        So many women take the conventional confrontational approach and don’t even know it,,,

        Reply ↓

        • @ AGDM

          anyone that knows me in real life, knows that i like to have a clear and measured response. i believe in choosing my words carefully (as i know they cannot be taken back). i take ownership of everything that i say (and type).

          i cannot tell you how many fights/arguments/relationships have ended with dudes because they want to me to come right out and spit my issue right there and then. im wiling to make compromises, but i try to pick my battles instead of waging war with dude, when im really mad at my boss.

          so while ny2va and caramellow have found a system that works for them, I dont think it’s universal. that’s based on the men i’ve dated. I’ll come back to vsb when i’ve been married. ;)

          Reply ↓

      • > Non-threatening, and casual is definitely the way to go if you want to take care of business with your man.

        Egzactly.
        Having another “main” activity/event (be it madden, truck fixing, booze, a basket-ball game or whatever) is how a lot of “serious” issues get taken care of, esp. in male-bonding. The relaxed atmosphere makes us more relaxed and willing to be vulnerable approach the truth. And relaxed is a good.

        // sidenote: you get extra points for being able to just post-pone it. I can definitely see why dude would enjoy playing madden with you. Most dudes won’t….for precisely that reason. Kudos to you :)

        Reply ↓

    • “Fellas will talk about our feelings if its discussed in a non-life-or-death way. Unless it really is serious we don’t “need to talk”. Instead of specifically allotting time for the “why-didn’t-you-pick-up” convo, just kinda bring it up while I’m helping with the dishes. It just helps me feel like whatever answer I give is not gonna be carved in stone & entered into the official record at the Smithsonian or something—which is how I feel when our calendar is cleared for a specific face-to-face sit-down after a “we need to talk” text.”

      damn. cats are dropping knowledge and shit today

      Reply ↓

  18. I hadn’t heard of this book. I feel like I’m out of the ‘Black Bourgeois’ know…

    It sounds good though, specially if it’s earned the respect of the very smart brothas. Out of the list ,’I've heard all these before except for maybe 20.

    “20. They always tell us we think too much, but they think a lot. I don’t know if men know how to be spontaneous. They think about everything. Trust me.”

    I thought that men weren’t always just douchey, that maybe they really weren’t thinking of others or didn’t consider consequences. Nope turns out they’re just a$$h0les… pity.

    I’ll def check out the book. Though my young life has taught me to take everyone’s relationship advice with a shaker of salt, unless they are happily and lengthily married.

    Reply ↓

    • “I’ll def check out the book. Though my young life has taught me to take everyone’s relationship advice with a shaker of salt, unless they are happily and lengthily married.”

      I’ve been doing that alot lately and every last couple that i’ve talked all have said wait to get married. Travel and enjoy being single. Every. Single. One. and not all at the same time either

      Reply ↓

      • I wouldn’t necessarily say wait to get married is great advice for everyone – probably for most, but not for all. It truly depends on what being married will mean for your life and life decisions once you get married? What are your immediate and long term foci? For example, do you want to start a family immediately or wait? My husband and I got married pretty young (24 and 25) but we were very purposeful about waiting five years to have children. We wanted to put in a bit more academic time, we wanted to really get our careers off the ground, and we really wanted to travel and have fun being young adults. It was great. This worked really well for us. Lots of folks believe that you have to be single to do these things, but you can do them in a marriage if that’s what both parties want. I think the key is that if you get married young, you have to decide what that is going to mean in the short run as well as in the long run.

        Reply ↓

        • I think 24/25 is stable time. I feel like , for the most part, people have a good sense of themsleves to realize the importance of marriage and whether or not they can handle it…

          The couples I asked said that is what they would do if they could do it over again..I think its not a testament to their marriage (the folks had a ample amount of time in) but a nod to the fact that marriage is a forever type thing, that people rush into without truly enjoying their single. Some, especially my peers feel that marriage os the time to start living

          ie, constantly looking for a man yet, not actually realizing the benefits of traveling, meeting new , getting to know yourself, and become whole in yourself, BEFORE you look for a mate to complete you…

          Def not saying you can’t do these things with your husband/wife

          Reply ↓

      • “every last couple that i’ve talked all have said wait to get married. Travel and enjoy being single.”

        This is interesting because I’m not sure that just “waiting” is a good enough suggestion on how to approach marriage. For some people, being 25 or 45 years old will not make a difference if they are not realistic about what marriage is or if they would be a good spouse to someone.

        Reply ↓

      • A lot of times, someone will ask me if/when they should settle down. I take a hard look at them, analyze what I know about them, and give an appropriate-to-the-person answer. IF, the folks you have asked you have told you to be single a little while longer AND travel – it just _may_ be an indictment on your growth/station/maturity and not the institution of marriage.
        just saying

        Reply ↓

    • @Andi re: “I thought that men weren’t always just douchey, that maybe they really weren’t thinking of others or didn’t consider consequences. Nope turns out they’re just a$$h0les… pity.”

      Ouch. I wish i could give you a hug. Can we go with some men are a$$h0les?

      Reply ↓

      • lol forgive my sin of generalization coldsweat. I was tired last night and didn’t feel like putting in the neccesary qualifiers.

        Reply ↓

    • Marriage is not an accomplishment, or a prize awarded to the most wise and worthy. It’s largely a matter of luck and sometimes a declaration that you will settle for what you have even if he or she is not the absolute ideal. Which is not a bad thing. It’s pretty realistc. But it doesn’t mean you are better qualified to give relationship advice than anyone else.

      Reply ↓

      • Marriage is not an accomplishment…

        This is true, but maintaining a happy and healthy marriage is quite an accomplishment. People in healthy, happy marriages typically share what has worked for them as well as what has been challenging for them. I think that folks who are successfully accomplishing something that more than 50% of the folks who have tried have failed at have valuable commentary to bring to the table. That’s why many single folks choose to listen to the happily married folk. But that’s just my opinion…

        Reply ↓

        • The thing is… who defines “happy and healthy”. You catch somebody on a bad day, and they’ll describe their marriage as shitty… but catch another time, and their “Boo” pees perfume, and the Sun shines outta her ass…

          Reply ↓

      • couldn’t disagree more
        yea, there are some that just “stick with it” – no matter what. but ya know -> isn’t that what the ideal really is. Someone that is going to be there no matter what. Our mommas and daddies aren’t “just settling” with us, staying with and supporting us emotionally, they are devoted. And that is a GOOD thing. A sign of maturity is knowing that to “settle” means to stop chasing the fed-to-us-throught-the-media/mega-church a false-ideal that most likely doesn’t exist.
        To settle is actually a good thing, chasing “waterfalls”, well that’s for someone else.

        Reply ↓

        • I agree. I think at some point you just need to decide to commit. Nobody is going to be perfect; nobody is going to be happy 100% of the time and please you 24 hours a day. It’s not about “settling” IMO, it’s about committing. You commit to the person you foresee causing you the least headaches and adding the most value to your life. And when you feel like leaving, you don’t. There was a couple on TV that had been maried 70+ years; of course they asked them what “the secret” was. They said “get along and don’t argue.” Oh.

          Reply ↓

        • Folks told me that I was settling even though me and my dude were no married but have been in a committed relationship almost 10 years. It’s not about settling, it’s about being devoted and being with someone because you want to. Marriage was not the most important thing and for us, we just wanted to be together and he did show he was fully committed

          Reply ↓

          • that’s what up…

            My moms and my stepdad have been together for 35 years… nary a marriage license betwixt em… He treats her with respect, and she in return. They don’t argue alot, and they can’t live without each other.

            That’s commitment… marriage has nothing to do with it. It’s just a legal (and financial) contract… not a magic incantation.

            Reply ↓

        • I feel you on this. The kid analogy is perfect. I know there were a couple of times my peeps tried to return my ass.

          And to add. Settling has a negative conotation. It almost sounds like marriage is being made to equal de facto settling. You (figuartively speaking, not you LSQ) can miss me with that. You can rest assured that when/if I decide to take the plunge wifey will be THE SH!T, and I mean by my standards. Accordingly, I’m not exactly sure how the man/woman someone decides to marry constitutes settling. I can say for men, more than likely she’s gonna have to be thorough because it’s a hard sale anyway on the marriage tip.

          Reply ↓

      • Depends what the end goal is. If someone is interested in getting and successfully maintaining a good marriage, best bet is to talk to people who have successfully accomplished what they seek, i.e. better qualified.

        For instance, I wouldn’t go talk to Lebron about how to win a championship would I? Couldn’t resist…Disclaimer: I’m a Bulls fan.

        Reply ↓

      • If I want to be the CEO of my own business, then the best mentor would be a sucessful entrepreneur. I want to be happily married, so it would be best to take advice from a happily married person. It doesn’t have to be everyone’s goal, but it is most certainly mine.

        Reply ↓

    • “I hadn’t heard of this book. I feel like I’m out of the ‘Black Bourgeois’ know…”

      turning into an ‘LA chick” more and more everyday.

      and, it’s not that we don’t think about others. we just don’t think about the stuff you think we should be thinking about.

      Reply ↓

      • Exactly… and that’s a very subtle difference most of the time.

        Our thought and agenda is important too… it’s just different than yours.

        Reply ↓

  19. his is true. We even accept and appreciate the yearly swarm of backhanded compliments and appreciation that comes with Father’s Day

    “Happy Father’s Day to all the fathers out there who aint good-for-nothing, aint shit dudes.”

    LOL I’m not even a dad and that sh*t was pissing me off. I logged on facebook to write a nice message for all the dads but was discouraged (and a bit scared) by all of the “Happy Father’s Day to my mom, the only dad I’ve ever known” statuses. I didn’t want to write anything because I was afraid of hurting anybody’s feeling by you know… saying Happy Father’s Day to my Dad and all the dads I know… ah well.

    Reply ↓

    • I wrote two PSA’s on Facebook about Father’s Day: One to tell all the bitter folks to save their daddy issues for either a journal or a counselor, and two to remind folks that moms ARE NOT fathers, and fathers ARE NOT mothers. Ugh!

      I kept seeing “Happy Father’s Day, mom!” status and wanted to walk repeatedly into a brick wall.

      Reply ↓

      • um.. my 2 cents.
        my father passed when i was young. so fathers day is always a hard day for me.
        and since my mom is the only parent i’ve ever known, she has been my mother and father.
        so not all people who say that are products of dessertion and trying to punk the importance of fathers day. just celebrating our only parental unit.

        Reply ↓

        • That’s a good point. I just save up the money that I would’ve spent on Mother’s Day and just give my Dad an extra/really good gift to compensate for him being a single parent.

          Reply ↓

        • My father passed away when I was young, too. But I never looked at my mother as both. That’s a role that simply cannot be filled by her. Just like we tell our boys, “You won’t be a man until you see a man,” well, daughters need their fathers, too.

          That being said, my mother was not my father. She was just an amazing mother. And she gets her due respect – on MOTHER’S DAY.

          Reply ↓

    • i mentioned this on twitter yesterday, but do the people who give backhanded acknowledgement to father’s day treat every holiday like that? do they say “happy labor day to the n*ggas who actually have jobs?”

      Reply ↓

      • I think Keisha Brown said Valentine’s Day… that’s a good one. And borne from the same bitterness (whether rightfully or not)… feeling scorned or neglected.

        Reply ↓

      • They don’t do it on Mother’s Day (nor should they). That $h!t just annoys the $h!t out of me. Most fathers are an afterthought in the family, the first expendable part, the last catered to, you mean to tell me they can’t get their 1 day of recognition w/o bitterness?

        Reply ↓

        • “you mean to tell me they can’t get their 1 day of recognition w/o bitterness?”

          Or the big piece of chicken…poor little tink tink.

          Reply ↓

        • It’s a complex situation because at the same time, ya’ll get special recognition for things that mothers are expected to do. (single parenting)

          Reply ↓

            • I didn’t say Father’s Day is special recognition and Mother’s day isn’t, I meant that when father’s step up to the plate there are special praises brought to it (like, turn on ANY television and see all the glorified “single father” specials) whereas when a mother does the same thing… it’s kinda just shrugged off… UNTIL Mother’s Day. My point is… both occurences happen.

              For the record, I was thoroughly annoyed by the backhanded ish on Father’s Day (on Twitter) and openly celebrated my own father with no hesitation.

              Reply ↓

              • ok I understand where you are coming from…
                However I am all for a lil dad praising (being one myself) when we are like all expendable in relationships/families…
                Everywhere you see the fellas catchin a bad rap on various fronts so is it really so intolerable when we get a bit of praise?

                Reply ↓

                • Nope, not intolerable at all. I just think most of this sting is felt by single mothers who argue “Why is he getting special accomodations for things he’s supposed to be doing?” (again this is outside of holidays) which again, is from a different perspective. From a single FATHER perspective who has carried the weight of folks always expecting LESS of them, I definitely agree that you shouldn’t be neglected of praise on a day set aside for you.

                  Hopefully those who express bitterness towards fathers are only speaking of their OWN experiences (and frankly, I’m not one to dictate how they should express their feelings toward their father since… I can’t possibly understand; and I’d say the same thing about a person not wanting to celebrate Mothers Day because of a bad experience with their mother). Sadly, it is more common that these feeling are towards fathers and that good guys like you are the exception to the rule. :-/

                  Reply ↓

      • hahahah!… omg… I’m layin on the floor right now laughin. Literally… Ok, not literally I just got back up…..but that was funny.

        Reply ↓

  20. I strongly agree with #4, 9, and 19…..Although re: #4….While I don’t generally care how much money a woman is making…..she best at least have a legit JOB.

    I disagree with #2…..I think my first several months on this site is proof that it doesn’t always pay to talk about your feelings. To anyone. lol

    Reply ↓

    • It wasn’t your feeling that weren’t appreciated, it was your negativity and seemingly hopeless outlook that was the issue.

      But, as it stands, you learned something so that’s what’s up. It wasn’t all for naught, even if you didn’t always get the responses you wanted.

      Reply ↓

    • “it doesn’t always pay to talk about your feelings”

      I agree. It doesn’t. It can “sometimes” do more harm than good depending on who you’re telling. This is why I make it a point to listen more than I speak when I’m not certain about my audience.

      Reply ↓

    • I still got love for you TRL. I know I gave you a hard time but I’m so…sorrrrrr…sooossssss.

      icant but you know what I mean. I just think you weren’t listening to alot of the advice that was given to you.

      Reply ↓

      • Because sometimes I don’t think I am being heard when I talk. Or that people don’t ask enough questions before drawing conclusions. I remember the thread where two other guys mentioned some of the hardships single black soldiers have in Korea when it comes to dating. Nobody ever asked me what the culture was like or any related questions….but once they said basically the same things I had been saying, it was as if everything made sense *all of a sudden*. But it’s good though. We are a product of our past…and I definitely learned from mine in this instance. And I was listening…it was just things that either didn’t apply to me or things I had already known to not be true.

        Reply ↓

    • “I think my first several months on this site is proof that it doesn’t always pay to talk about your feelings. To anyone. lol”

      I think in the long run, it did help… you seem to be much more positive lately. Just because folks don’t respond agreeably to your feelings doesn’t mean it doesn’t help to express them. Sometimes that “tough love” is what you need. :)

      Reply ↓

    • I think TRL was listening. I’m not defending him-just explaining what I see. He may not have responded how you or I or anyone else wanted but I definitely don’t think he was as stubborn as all who are not him thought he was. I mean, he is almost, dare I say, a success story of VSB.
      *Puts fingers in ears and squats low to avoid shrill responses*

      I don’t know if I’m joking or not at this moment. Your responses will tell me whether I was. lol.
      Pass the chicken please. *Looks over to the other side of the table* Ayo, throw me the hot sauce.

      Reply ↓

  22. Wow. I’m genuninely impressed.

    This list is fairly spot-on. (Except for whole “emotionally tough” part. WTF does “emotionally tough” mean anyway?)

    Numbers 17 and 18 should be run on a continuous loop in large letters, in caps and bold, scrolling upwards like the opening to “Star Wars” movies on its own channel on DishTV, Comcast, DirecTV, etc…

    ….and this channel would be named Truth.comtv

    Reply ↓

    • Numbers 17 and 18 should be run on a continuous loop in large letters, in caps and bold, scrolling upwards like the opening to “Star Wars” movies on its own channel on DishTV, Comcast, DirecTV, etc

      maybe it should just replace the emergency broadcast system

      Reply ↓

  23. 1. Men talk about relationships constantly. Just not with the woman they’re dating.
    Yep… we’ll talk about relationships with just about anyone EXCEPT the women we’re dating? why? Because no one wants to have a meaningless, innocuous, thought, look, or inflection of voice to be construed to be some clue into a vast relationship conspiracy theory

    3. If they’re remotely interested in you, they want to do good. They want to make you happy and honestly don’t know how sometimes
    This is exactly why you shouldn’t nag. A dude who wants you to make you happy will be infinitely more motivated by disappointing you than he will by being harped to.

    11. Sports are male soap operas or reality TV for men.
    Sadly, ESPN, proves that men have a penchant for tolerating gossip, as long as it’s about sports. It hurts to even type it, but it appears to be the truth.

    16. They don’t bond best by talking. Two men can work on a car and grunt, or play one-on-one and grunt and feel as though they have bonded significantly.
    Men bond more through shared experience than talk.

    17. Men often say women talk too much, but what they mean specifically is nagging or women who say dumb shit that they don’t want to hear.
    Think of nagging like verbally shooting up heroin. No matter what you get out of it, you paid too much for it in the long run; I promise you.

    18. They hate being doubted or accused of anything they didn’t do. To us, it’s being inquisitive, but they interpret a casual inquisition as character assassination.
    Almost EVERYONE hates to be doubted or falsely accused. I for one doubt that they’re just being inquisitive and not realizing they’re coming off accusatory or critical. When you’re inquisitive you have no leanings, no pre-formed thoughts. When you have doubts, you have a theory, just no definitive proof.

    Reply ↓

    • Sports are male soap operas or reality TV for men.
      Sadly, ESPN, proves that men have a penchant for tolerating gossip, as long as it’s about sports. It hurts to even type it, but it appears to be the truth.

      My husband is an avid football fan and has stopped watching ESPN because they are all about the sensationalism and gossip now. He HATES ESPN because they have moved away from good sports journalism. He only fcuks with NFL network now.

      Reply ↓

      • YES! NFL Network is the ish! I hate the fact that I can’t afford it anymore. ESPN is almost for casual fans these days…smh

        Reply ↓

        • #iwantmynflback

          that is all.
          carry on.
          *kicks a nfl logoed rock on my way out.

          lol, where exactly has the NFL gone? the lockout hasn’t changed the amount of NFL news I hear. in fact, it seems like there’s been more

          Reply ↓

          • The NFL lockout is the reason for the series “The Top 100 Players of the 2010-11 Season.” There are not enough exemplary players in one season to do a show like this, but the absence of training camp and rookie development banter has caused our beloved NFL Network to REACH for things to air.

            Reply ↓

      • Co-sign…the league-run networks – especially MLB Network – provide much better programming. I watch ESPN for comedy (Mike & Mike and PTI being prime examples). I watch MLBN (and NFLN) for sports.

        Reply ↓

        • The MLBN’s production value is so much better than the NFLN. The MLB itself needs some serious tweeking but the network is better. I need the SEC to get a stand alone network. I would watch the hell out of that channel from August to January.

          Reply ↓

          • @Wu Young, Agent of M.E. you’re so right about the SEC network. I don’t care that much about the rest of the NCAAF lol. But I disagree about NFL Network having bad commentary. Marruici, Deon, and company are funny and informative at the same time (with all their inside jokes and football colloquial). ESPN analysts are too extra and overreact to statements and other non-stories for days at a time. I’d rather hear about the details of the games/teams themselves.

            Reply ↓

      • The NFL Network sucks, though. Terrible commentary, cheap presentation. It is making strides, but I can’t wach for more than 10 minutes at a time due to horrible hosts. Rich Eisen is a step in the right direction.

        Reply ↓

        • i aodre rich eisen. he cracks me the hell up.
          i love moochi too.
          i wish they hadn’t changed gameday final. no longer worth staying up for.
          michael irvin drives me batty.
          they need better women.
          *votes for self. lol.

          Reply ↓

          • Yeah, Marriuci should be on Monday Night Football instead of Chris Collinsworth (he’s so obnoxious). But yeah NFL Network > ESPN’s coverage (except the coverage on actual gamedays…I like NFL Countdown’s cast. Especially Mike Ditka)

            Reply ↓

  24. I actually agree with your disagreement of #2. Sometimes. I’m actually more open with my feelings here than I am in real life. I find safety in the anonymity.

    I wouldn’t let a few folks keep me from sharing if I felt the need. And keeping some of that sht bottled up would result in some serious jail time for me. No bueno.

    Reply ↓

  25. Maybe it’s just me, but most of what she’s said is common sense (or uncommon sense, whatever). Just as Steve Harvey is Captain Obvious, so is this woman. I guess what’s profound about it is that she’s saying it and she’s a woman. We usually hear stuff like this from men.

    Now, I’m not saying she’s not right or that the book won’t help some folks, but for the most part, all of this is just truth broken down point by point. For some, that’s great. I guess for folks like me and other VSS’s, this is just redundant.

    Maybe I’m wrong or cranky or whatever, but that’s my assessment. If more people would pull their heads out their behinds the need for books like this and others in the self help genre would be obsolete. As it stands, this is a good read for anyone who isn’t experienced with men or has struck out tons of times and really wants a hard line assessment of themselves from a completely neutral source. And if that’s the market for it, then cool. Otherwise, just keep living your life with these ingrained mantras in mind and you’ll be just fine.

    Reply ↓

      • common sense isn’t that common actually

        SN: i want to join Mo-VSS the singing group and get some tips and pointers on looking different every time… what’s really good? if i change my avatar to a pic of me at age 1 til now you could all pick my pic out of a group of hundreds :(

        Reply ↓

      • Right, it’s not. I don’t disagree with any of it (of the one’s Champ listed) so she’s definitely winning when it comes to advice.

        It’s just some women will be told, shown, and will read how to do better and will STILL stay losing.

        Reply ↓

        • i don’t want to sound mean but that is “evolution” right.. only the strong survive. you have to be able to keep up or go the way of the dodo bird. adapt or die and honestly if we are speaking about romantic relationships every woman can’t win, not enough to go around so watch, learn and keep up chick or get left behind…

          #MeantInTheNicestWayPossible

          Reply ↓

          • People who use the words “common sense” a lot aren’t exposed to people who are different from them. In a small world, you can tell people what common sense is and not get strange looks. Common only exists in isolation. But finger wagging and “you should know better” and “I already know that” always feels good. I’m not gonna hate on a sister for sharing some knowledge.

            Reply ↓

            • I don’t see anyone “hating” here. Just calling a spade a spade.

              And what do you mean by “people who are different from them”? A different race? A different culture?

              Common sense is just that, a basic sense like smell or taste that should be common to humans no matter where you are from. At least that is my definition of it.

              Reply ↓

              • “Common sense” is actually a social construct because it also has to do with “basic” beliefs. What would seem commonplace and automatic to some can seem strange and even wrong to others for a myriad of reasons. Some folks believe that common sense should tell you to ensure that you can see your children at all times on the playground and to quickly diffuse any conflicts that arise. Other believe that common sense would tell you that kids are smart and that they don’t need to be tended like sheep and can work through conflict. Which one you believe to be common sense has everything to do with how you were raised and how your perception has been shaped.

                Reply ↓

              • I think some people hate on authors of relationship advice books. Because they feel they already know the information and think someone shouldn’t make money off it. Maybe they envy the time/creativity/confidence/discipline or good fortune of self help authors.

                What I mean by common sense is that it can only be common and sense in a homogeneous community. For example, in Las Vegas it is common sense that you don’t go for a jog on your lunch break in July. Unless you are suicidal. In Oaxaca, Mexico it is common sense that a woman doesn’t go to a bar unless she’s escorted by a man. Otherwise she gets the reputation of being easy. In Fayettville NC it is common sense that you don’t date someone of a different race where people can see. And if someone asks you if you attend church, the answer should be yes.

                I’ve been told by finger wagging people in all sorts of places about what I should know if I had common sense. It’s common for them because they never leave those places. Easy to be smug when your world is small.

                Reply ↓

                • Let me broach this simply.

                  Common sense, to me, isn’t about living in a bubble. I’ve lived all over the world, literally, and certain things remain common. Don’t run in the heat of July in a place like Las Vegas applies to a place like Rome, Johannesburg or Biloxi as well. Although I’ve traveled, I don’t have to have hit every place in the world to know certain things remain COMMON.

                  And I’m not hating on the author or anyone who wants to read the book. I’m saying that most of what she is saying isn’t new. Just like most of information given in this blog isn’t new. If it’s helpful, then that’s cool. Not knocking those who gain from it.

                  Reply ↓

      • “I agree that all this SHOULD be common sense but unfortunately is not.”

        yeah, that’s the point. we got grown ups out here who dont even know the fundamentals. cats in “grown” relationships even though they’re still at a 3rd grade relationship reading level

        Reply ↓

    • girl stating the obvious is winning right now…

      How many girlfriends do you know who date, sex, or just downright entertain the same nothing A__ ninjas…and then be surprised when they act accordingly..

      apparently there are more of these women than we thought

      real talk it makes my blood boil everytime Steve Harvey opens his mouth

      Reply ↓

      • “How many girlfriends do you know who date, sex, or just downright entertain the same nothing A__ ninjas…and then be surprised when they act accordingly..

        apparently there are more of these women than we thought”

        Troof.

        Reply ↓

    • I AGRee 100 %. Why do folk need to purchase books on common sense things regurgitated 1000 times for profit??????
      I’m kinda tired of these so called relationship experts and their panderings for profit truth be known, tryna cash in on the state of black relationships.
      Professional therapists like Audrey Chapman who has been practicing for years and can be heard every Sat morning for free on WHUR, are far better @ offering guidelines and assistance for relationships, starting with self first.

      Aside about the materialism overdose * I kinda hinted at this on Friday* Being fancy or fly (don;t use the word fancy myself), ain’t about clothes, or lables, or any external thing really, it’s something people didn’t give to you, nor can they take away. It’s something that starts in the soul of the individual expressed effortlessly, no need to brag or name drop or any of that when it’s real, cause it shows all by itself.

      Reply ↓

    • We have to remember as smart folks, that everybody ain’t as “smart” as us. What’s common sense to me, you, your mama and her cousin too, will always be new learning for somebody else – actually for a whole bunch of somebody elses. Let’s think about people the way good teachers think about students. There are some kids who get things the first time. There are other students who need to hear the same message, repeated the same way a couple of times and then they get it. Then there are some students who need to hear it a little differently and have it broken down to the most basic elements and then they get it. Then there are some students who are unable to hear the message from a particular teacher for some reason so you have to put them with another teacher. That teacher gives them that same message broken down to the same basic elements, but because its nuanced a bit differently and they can finally get it. Most of us who frequent this sight are the kids in the GT programs, who take AP classes, and are in IB programs. We have to learn to give our friends in the on-level and remedial classes a break sometimes and let them learn too. The reason you don’t dig their textbooks because they aren’t written for you. We need to let them have their textbooks, and cliff notes and whatever they need to get it. We need to let them live.

      Reply ↓

      • I’ve always been in the advanced classes. I get it the first time around. Thats why I sliently read my non-class related Stephen King books and wait for the others to catch up.

        Yet somehow I still get in trouble with the teacher….Eff all this, I’m switching schools!!

        Reply ↓

    • “Maybe it’s just me, but most of what she’s said is common sense (or uncommon sense, whatever). Just as Steve Harvey is Captain Obvious, so is this woman. I guess what’s profound about it is that she’s saying it and she’s a woman. We usually hear stuff like this from men.”

      Thank you.
      Frankly, I’m over it all.

      Reply ↓

      • I’m mean to add, even though I’m over it all, I can’t knock the hustle.
        This genre will keep people eating well for many years to come.
        I ain’t even mad at the young lady. Get in, where you fit in.

        Reply ↓

    • “Maybe it’s just me, but most of what she’s said is common sense (or uncommon sense, whatever). Just as Steve Harvey is Captain Obvious, so is this woman. ”

      YES e-sis! I said the same thing. I don’t want to be negative but the whole list was DUH. Maybe I read too many blogs. lol

      Reply ↓

    • Ok, my question is what really is the problem here? That there is a book on supposedly “common sense” things or that a young lady (very brilliant at that) transformed the info on her very popular blog into a lucrative endeavor?

      Because either/or, I don’t really see the problem. We either agree with some of what she said, or we don’t… The fact that there is a book about it shouldn’t come in question in my opinion. But that’s just my opinion, obviously.

      Reply ↓

      • I don’t think the problem is with the book or the author…i think people are frustrated with the genre and the seemingly regurgitation of “facts”

        Reply ↓

      • Right, I’m not hating on her. At all. I compared her to Steve (who I do loathe) so it may have come off that way, but I stated that I don’t disagree with her. I really don’t. All I’m saying is that, to me and many others, it sounds redundant.

        Personally, I think may self help books are composed of things I think are common sense. That doesn’t mean it can’t/won’t/isn’t allowed to help others. I’m not even saying I’ve never read one or two myself. I have. It’s just that relationships seem to be a mystery to us all, but once we stop seeking outside truths and face the truth(s) about ourselves, we can better assess how we can do better in our individual relationships. The general stuff is cool, but if you never assess how YOU (not you personally, but the collective you) need to change, evolve, and deal with your man and your relationship, then all of this is just nice points to remember, but will serve you no clear purpose.

        Reply ↓

    • True… but the thing is, just because you know something to be true, doesn’t mean you BEHAVE as if you know it…on a consistent basis. Sometimes it’s good to have some truths re-iterated on a regular basis. Or just reaffirmed.

      Reply ↓

  26. Dissecting The Belle From Brooklyn

    Hi Champ, Everyone,

    Just when I was about to take it down for the night after yet another action-packed weekend, I decide to cruise on through and see this here. The following are my sage insights.

    Though I’ve yet to read Ms. Lucas’ musings on life and love for the supposedly upwardly mobile urban Sistas, I am on the other hand quite familiar with her blog and have keeping an eye on it for some time now (Obsidian has listening posts worldwide); pomp and flash aside, I think she’s a fair blogger, not stellar, but not booty either; a cut above the standard “culture and entertainment” fluff that passes for something significant in the Afrosphere, but not really hard hitting enough for my tastes (but then, c’mon – what is?). All in all, 3 out of 5 stars.

    Now, having said all that, going back to the pomp and flash factor, she’s definitely got it, that speaks for itself.

    As for the book of hers, as I’ve said before, and it bears repeating – there’s a very simple and important reason as to why there are scant numbers of books written specifically aimed at Men, especially Black Men – and that’s because Men, and Black Men in particular, DONT’ READ. Yes, it’s true, please do not attempt to fight me on this, anecdote ain’t gonna get it, publishing houses can’t make money on the relatively few erudite Brothas out there who read (and/or write) voraciously. Don’t take my word for it, checkout what Steve Harvey himself has to say about the matter – he ought to know, since his books have broken NYT bestseller’s records.

    So, that’s one thing, there’s no money to be made in writing the garden variety “self help” book aimed at Brothas. They ain’t buying, no matter how much they need the help. But there’s another factor in the mix, and this brings us directly to Ms. Lucas’ latest literary effort:

    So woefully (Male, I’m talking about; we already know that virtually all Women don’t have a clue as to what they’re talking about along these lines) few writers out there have a freaking clue as to what they’re talking about – some attempt a “unisex/one size fits all” approach, which never works and runs counter to Marketing 101 – in order to be successful, you gotta specialize; attempting to appeal to errbody means in essence, not being able to “hit” anybody. And of the remainder of the few paltry books and the like aimed at Men and Brothas in particular, they’re basically…PCspeak pablum, designed to give what the ladies want to hear, rather than give Men and Brothas in our time in particular, the realworld awareness and tools to successfully navigate the modern age SMP in unapologetic language – Real Rap about The Relationship and Rumpy Bumpy Raw.

    So, when you add it up, you get a pretty bad state of affairs as it relates to a seriously underserved market. But fear not; we’re hard at work at the R&D labs here at Obsidian Industries to correct the problem, with the newest latest in cutting edge scientific understanding, time-honoroed wisdom and all delivered in idioms that Brothas feel most comfortable with; we’re gonna work it out.

    As for Ms. Lucas’ “Man Manual”…well, I suppose it can never hurt to toss the ladies something they think can and will actually work on/with/for the fellas, right?

    Replies as follows:

    1. Men talk about relationships constantly. Just not with the woman they’re dating.

    O: This is a trick question/statement. What is really being said here is that Men don’t talk about relationships in the manner that Women tend to favor and find satisfying. Which is too bad. For them.

    2. Despite rarely ever talking about feelings with their boys, men have them

    O: Wise Men understand the supreme importance of keeping one’s own counsel in such matters, especially when it comes to their Women. There are things they should not be privy to.

    3. If they’re remotely interested in you, they want to do good. They want to make you happy and honestly don’t know how sometimes

    O: Gamesmen “do good” for its own sake; Women being pleased by this is but a byproduct of said good deeds. “Trying to make her happy” is a Fool’s Errand.

    4. Your salary and your degrees are complete non-factors in a man’s decision to date, marry, sex, or replace you

    O: One of the few instances where Ms. Lucas actually gets it right…

    5. Men don’t need to be reminded of our strength. Most know women are emotionally tougher. They just don’t want it thrown in their faces.

    O: LOL. Couldn’t be more “negative” – for one thing, Ms. Lucas needs to read Norah Vincent’s “Self Made Man”, think on it and then come back with a second edition of her socalled “Man Manual”. Second, Men couldn’t give a fat rat’s behind about a Woman’s “strength”, emotional or otherwise; if anything, they consider it to be a net negative and maladaptive to the SMP – hence why so many Brothas can and will vote with their feet…

    Eh. Can’t agree or disagree until someone tells me what the hell “emotionally tougher” means.

    6. Pretty much everything they’ve ever dine since they hit puberty — from wearing cologne to washing daily to going to college to buying a car to taking out the garbage, and so on — has been in some from about getting more access to sex.

    O: This is true for AFCs; Gamesmen do what they do because they like to do it; any Women fortunate enough be in their cipher just happen to be along for the ride…

    7. Sex can be an act, like eating a sandwich or going to shoot hoops.

    O: This can be and often is true for those Men who aren’t getting laid regularly – I’ve discussed this in detail elsewhwere; for the rarified few Men who do know what this is like, sex is an Extinction Level Event…

    8. They worry about how they look and perform in bed

    O: LOL. Most Men are so clueless they don’t have enough self-awareness, or concern, to have many “worries”.

    9. They like to see you in sweats sometimes

    O: Correction – They like to see you sweat all the time…

    10. Men like monochromatic colors. When our clothes look less buys, they aren’t distracted from our bodies and faces. White seems to be their favorite color.

    O: See response to Point 15 below; but what I will say here is that a Woman with a banging enough face/body can wear a burlap bag and get mad fever. These are things that one cannot “cheat” no matter how incomprehensible the designer of the frock or its pricetag.

    11. Sports are male soap operas or reality TV for men.

    O: Reality TV is for people who have brain cells to waste.

    12. They like to protect you from the big bad world

    O: What is this, the Secret Service?

    13. Men like confident women; at least, the good ones do.

    Negative; Men like submissive, deferential Women; at least the good ones do.

    “No Man wants a slut for long; only the worst kind will marry one.”

    - Sidney Poitier, “To Sir, With Love”

    14. Most men don’t like makeup. Or at least they think they don’t. I’ve found that when men complain about makeup, what they’e really whining about is foundation and eye shadow.

    O: Agree with Champ on this one. Warpaint ain’t hip at all. Makeup tastefully done, that actually matches as Sista’s skintone etc, is wassup. Otherwise, that Joker look’s gotta go…

    15. Men like to use their imagination. They will look if you’re parading the streets in an outfit best suited for a model in a King layout, but what really seems to do it for them is just enough of you to inspire their minds to wander

    O: Negative; clearly Ms. Lucas hasn’t been reading her New York Times, for if she had, she would have known about its famed “Faces” study. What Men consider first and foremost is a Woman’s face and “slot” her accordingly, into either the Wifey or Hit-It-And-Quit-It piles – all the moreso in the case of the latter if the gal in question also has a banging bod in addition to a homely grill.

    16. They don’t bond best by talking. Two men can work on a car and grunt, or play one-on-one and grunt and feel as though they have bonded significantly.

    O: Another trick question/statement – no two human beings “bond best” via talking. And that includes Women. Especially Women.

    Although “two men working on a car and grunting” sounds exactly how I’d imagine the first scene in a gay porno would read, I agree with her general point.

    17. Men often say women talk too much, but what they mean specifically is nagging or women who say dumb shit that they don’t want to hear.

    “Tupac must really be back because this is the realest shit she’s ever wrote.”

    O: Indeed; this is the second time Ms. Lucas got it right all by herself…

    18. They hate being doubted or accused of anything they didn’t do. To us, it’s being inquisitive, but they interpret a casual inquisition as character assassination.

    O: Those trained in such things know well as how to be respond to such Shit Tests *brandishes the Cold Whip of Indifference*

    19. They like compliments. A lot.

    O: A Wise Man once said that one should be wary of Flatterers.

    20. They always tell us we think too much, but they think a lot. I don’t know if men know how to be spontaneous. They think about everything. Trust me.

    O: There’s some truth to this – Men are creatures of habit more and are more apt to go the route of least resistance more than anything else, though. Gamesmen understand the importance of ruthlessly rooting these tendencies out of themselves. Being a careful thinker and planner isn’t the problem; being predictable and being lazy, is.

    “Hmmm. Out of the 20 things listed, I completely agree with 16 of them. Not bad at all. Definitely worthy of The Champ’s stamp of approval.”

    O: Hmm. I scored it about what, 3 out of 16? Five, at best. You’re right, Champ – I think you are just a weebit biased…?

    ;)

    Holla back

    The Obsidian

    Reply ↓

    • #4 is not exactly true. A degree is a non-factor, but salary that is another issue. Sure if you are in the postion to change condo’s like you change your underware or you have always be in a pay to play environment. I a GOOD woman with a good salary is getting replaced, it always be because of her shytty attitude

      Reply ↓

    • “As for the book of hers, as I’ve said before, and it bears repeating – there’s a very simple and important reason as to why there are scant numbers of books written specifically aimed at Men, especially Black Men – and that’s because Men, and Black Men in particular, DONT’ READ. Yes, it’s true, please do not attempt to fight me on this, anecdote ain’t gonna get it, publishing houses can’t make money on the relatively few erudite Brothas out there who read (and/or write) voraciously. Don’t take my word for it, checkout what Steve Harvey himself has to say about the matter – he ought to know, since his books have broken NYT bestseller’s records.”

      we read. a ton actually. but, we just don’t read books.

      Reply ↓

        • @TAC,
          Why do you take such a view wrt Mr. Harvey? Is not what I said about him, true? If so, it baffles me at least as to why you would make the remarks you do.

          Nor is his book(s) “snakeoil”, and I would be very interested to ask you exactly what he’s said in his book that makes it so in your view?

          Thanks.

          O.

          Reply ↓

        • I was skeptical too.. and I should note I haven’t read his books. But every time I’ve heard him give advice on his radio show…which I listen to only when THE SPORTS JUNKIES are on commercial, frankly… he’s on point. And dude actually makes some fairly cogent and subtle distinctions.. I know… I was surprised as anybody.

          I always found Steve Harvey to be an arrogant, and annoying ass. And now that he is on the radio…he’s added “religious” to arrogant and annoying, which might even be redundant depending on politics/religion… But I gotta admit, in between glorifying the concept of Black ignorance and ‘country-ness’, he actually makes a good point or two.

          Reply ↓

      • I would add that Black Men read topics that are of interest to them. And there aren’t that many publishing houses putting out books that appeal to them.

        So all the magazines, blogs and websites we view help satisfy that interest.

        Reply ↓

        • @Steeler Steve,
          While what you say has some merit, I would also argue that there are publishing efforts out there who could cater to Black Male interests if they wanted to and if Black Men themselves showed demand for it. Thus far, when it comes to actually being good with Women, Brothas have an aversion towards “coming out” as not being all that good with it, in large part due to the Gift and the Curse of the Black Male Mystique. I think it is itself something of a trick bag for so many of us.

          At any rate, please see my response to Shogun for more on where I’m coming from on all this…

          O.

          Reply ↓

        • @Shogun,
          My point is that in order to reach Brothas, channels other than the more tried and true ones have to be utilized. Yes, Brothas do “read”, but they’re not generally the book buying type, and again, there are industry stats on this sort of thing. Why that would or should come as some huge shock to anyone here is actually quite amusing.

          Brothas don’t “do” self-help books, which was the point Harvey made publically, when asked if he had any plans of writing a book for Black Men. His answer was flatly “no” and said the reason why was because Black Men by and large don’t read or have any interest in such things – and from a financial standpoint, which Harvey himself mentioned, he would be correct. There’s no money to be made from the enterprise.

          There’s a lot of things Brothas ain’t all that into, much to their detriment, I might add. Take example the fact that Black Men don’t go to the doctor anywhere near as often as they should, and have all the familiar maladies to show for it – does anyone here disagree with this fact? I have long argued that in order for Brothas to take their health more seriously, concerted and concentrate efforts have to be taken to reach out to them, IN THEIR OWN IDIOMS. This is key – and the same holds true here wrt Ms. Lucas and the larger discussion on self-help “relationship” books. Brothas don’t read books like that, but as you and others have noted, they do read – notably the Internet.

          Which is why, for example, I take the approach I do, because by going to where I know Brothas are, and giving em bits and pieces of this thing at a time, I know I’ll make an impact. So far, so good.

          Holla back

          O.

          Reply ↓

      • @The Champ,
        “we read. a ton actually. but, we just don’t read books.”

        O: But there’s the rub, chief – and that’s what matters to whose business it is to churn out deadwood tomes. For whatever reason, Brothas as a group, and in aggregate, just don’t “do” the book thing. Keep in mind please, that VSB – whose readership is actually more Female than Male, I might add – is at best a self-selected group. So even if all the VSBs were War & Peace type readers, it would still be a drop in the bucket, at best, when viewed against the backdrop of Black Men in America at large.

        Now, having said all that, the fact remains that yes, as you and Shogun and Steeler have noted, Brothas do indeed read, primarily via the Internet, and I think the way to reach Brothas is through that medium, which I’m doing. For my money, writing a deadwood tome specifically for them is a Fool’s Errand, for a number of reasons. But whatever those reasons, the fact remains that Men in general and Black Men in particular don’t “do” self-help stuff.

        We must adapt to the conditions Brothas find themselves in, meet them where they are, and take it from there.

        The Obsidian will do his part.

        O.

        Reply ↓

  27. “10. Men like monochromatic colors. When our clothes look less buys, they aren’t distracted from our bodies and faces. White seems to be their favorite color.

    Never thought about this, but I guess it’s true. When on the prowl, I personally try to stay away from the broads with the polkadot jumpsuits.”

    This is so true I was with my bf and we saw this woman with a flower jumpsuit and he could not understand why girls wear such unattractive clothing(i thought it was not that bad). Is that why Arenas was such a douche on a blind date:
    http://necolebitchie.com/2011/06/09/gilbert-arenas-slams-blind-date-on-twitter/

    Reply ↓

  28. #13….I like women with well-placed confidence. Nobody gives a damn if you’re the baddest chick….or if you do the best lacefronts in Atlanta….or if you won the double-dutch tournament back in ’92 with your shoes untied. lol

    #14….I’m not a big fan of excess makeup or weave on a woman. Especially not weave.

    Reply ↓

  29. #2: I agree actually. Men do have feelings, but unless they’re in a VERY secure relationship they seriously don’t talk about them to their woman. It’s more of the things he will do to show his love/appreciation than what he says.

    #5: I would, on the surface, have to agree with women being more emotionally tough. Emotionally tough = callous, ability to detach, creating distance, resilient. The reason I agree with this is because some men lose their freaking minds when some relationships end. They are more prone to commit suicide at the break up of a relationship/marriage for example. I know some women do some crazy stuff when relationships end too, but emotionally unstable men are more likely to act out violently — e.g. if I can’t have you no one will kind of thing.

    #10: White as a favorite color: perhaps because wearing white signifies purity.

    #12: Wow, and they won’t be wearing white long.

    Tired now. Can’t think. Champ you’re the best! (see that compliment) :D Enjoy your night.

    Reply ↓

    • #10: White as a favorite color: perhaps because wearing white signifies purity.

      Or we are hoping to catch a woman on a rainy day….

      Reply ↓

      • That’s probably what it is. You can usually see through white if the lighting is right; you won’t even need rain.

        Reply ↓

  30. Another conversation I will not engage in on http://www.verysmartbrothas.com

    Why?

    Because in my generation (depending on who/how you grew up) alot of these chicks do not know better. Belle knows what she is talking about from a female point of view. The Champ knows what he is talking about from a male point of view.

    BUT do my peers understand BOTH sides like I do???

    Reply ↓

    • Men like to see women dolled up but we also have major appreciation for then in a casual down to earth state.

      t-shirt, a pair of leggings and a smile will always get you play ma

      Reply ↓

      • “t-shirt, a pair of leggings and a smile will always get you play ma”

        So it would seem. I was getting eyeballed all up and down my workplace as I left the Fitness Center today. I am also 98.7% sure a man slowed his pace to walk behind me and possibly edited his route to match mine. (He kept side eyeing me to see where I was taking the next turn).

        What was I wearing? Gym tights and a T-Shirt. *sigh*

        Reply ↓

  33. I disagree w/ #4. I don’t want a broke woman, so her income will definitely be taken into consideration (especially when it comes to marriage).

    Reply ↓

  34. I think she is accurate on her points except the following

    2. Despite rarely ever talking about feelings with their boys, men have them

    Champ is totally right with this. I’ve had my boys cry around, b***h about their woman, talk about feeling depressed, an so on to me. Like Champ said it’s usually one on one or with just a couple of friends when we are sitting and drinking.

    5. Men don’t need to be reminded of our strength. Most know women are emotionally tougher. They just don’t want it thrown in their faces.

    I disagree. While I agree that women are emotionally tougher than women I don’t think most men are aware of that. I didn’t notice that until I got older.

    6. Pretty much everything they’ve ever dine since they hit puberty — from wearing cologne to washing daily to going to college to buying a car to taking out the garbage, and so on — has been in some from about getting more access to sex.

    I disagree. I may be an exception but once I accepted that women weren’t feeling me at around 15/16 I did me and could care less what women approved of. I drove the type of cars I did because I like fast cars not because I wanted to attract women. The same with clothes. I like clothes I didn’t buy them looking to appeal to women.

    19. They like compliments. A lot.

    Once again I may be an exception to the rule but I don’t need or like a lot of compliments. I don’t need my ego stroked. What I prefer is acknowledgement that you appreaciate the things that I do for you.  

    Reply ↓

    • #6- You probably attracted more women because you had a true point of view and weren’t trying to get attention.

      Reply ↓

    • “What I prefer is acknowledgement that you appreciate the things that I do for you.”

      See. My point exactly. He just said it! Thank you.

      Reply ↓

    • Dude… is your avatar “Rollo” from Sanford and Son???? How effin cool is THAT! That was my cat!
      If that’s not him…

      …”Nevermind” – Roseanne RosanaDana.

      Reply ↓

    • Actually I really agree with #6 and #19… I’m the same way. I respond to REALness, not fake ass ego-strokes. I’m more apt to be impressed by a woman callin me on my bs than I am her blowin sunshine up my butt… and I’ve always been a do me kinda cat. For the most part. I just happen to have the kinda swag that’s popular. JK…kinda.

      Reply ↓

  35. Yeah, Demetria seems like a cool chick (from what I’ve read of her) and I’ve definitely been interested in getting this book. This read was hilarious informative, delicious and nutritious, Champster.

    Reply ↓

    • The thing about monochromatic colors is interesting. . . .I do have some busy shirts.

      Have to think about that one. … . .

      Everything else sounds like common sense to me. . .

      Reply ↓

  36. “…what do you think of A Belle In Brooklyn’s “Man Manual?” Did you agree with her list, and is there anything you’d add to it and/or subtract from it?”

    I don’t know anything about this lady but I’m inclined to say “not another relationship manual”….This list didn’t move me either way. some thoughts:

    #3 is the truth.

    #10- From my observation, men could care less what color you’re wearing if your body looks good in it. You could be dressed like Ronald McDonald; if they can see that shape, they’re watching. But yes, I see why a single color would show one’s shape more clearly.

    #11- ESPN is more dramatic than any Real “Housewives” or ____ball “Wives” show on TV. Have you watched some of those intros for basketball and football games? They’ll have you on the verge of tears. They build stuff up like it’s going to be the best game/race/match/tournament in your lifetime.

    #17- Aren’t we all annoyed by people that nag us and say dumb sh*t?

    #18- Is there such a thing as “casual inquisition”?

    Reply ↓

  37. Dang, this was long. Guess that means this is going to be long. “That’s what”…yeah, yeah. Next.

    1. Depends on the subject matter – if it’s good, we’ll talk about it with her. If it’s bad, we’ll talk about it to other people (mostly female friends).

    2. Of course: we’re not robots.

    3. I agree with O. Men want to do good things for the sake of doing good things – or because we want to be better people or for evolutionary purposes or whatever. If a man does things simply to attract women, he deserves what he gets – and what he gets won’t be good.

    4. I may agree with this more than anything else on the list. All that stuff you (i.e. women) do in your community and all your degrees and your corner office with the window? That’s for you. Has nothing to do with me. Doesn’t make you a better person or any more attractive. Same basic idea as #3, really: resume does not equal romance.

    (*I may try to come up with a more poetic way to say this: might be a T-shirt idea in there somewhere)

    5. Most of that “reminding” is usually patronizing, in which case(s) it does more harm than good anyway.

    6. Ne-ga-tive. This kind-of goes back to the last part of what I said about #3. Men pretty much ask for trouble when they participate in such behavior. Men who act this way usually are men who change for each woman they encounter and then have no idea who they are once they go through enough cycles…and what woman wants a man who doesn’t know who he is?

    7. Cosign. Next.

    8. Worry, not so sure about…I’d probably say “wonder” – but even that shouldn’t happen too often, especially when we’ve had enough experience with someone to read her nonverbal cues.

    9. Truth.

    10. Never thought about this, but I’d say it’s true. If a woman’s visual ensemble makes her look like the NBC logo, I probably will have less interest.

    11. Um, I guess…I just put it all under entertainment (even though one of my ex-girlfriends got me to watch Y&R). If I’m entertained (Gladiator), cool. If not, there’s the remote…or car keys.

    12. We like the ‘protector’ role…but in most cases, there’s a direct relationship between how much we like you and how much we want to protect you. Unless we’re Cancers: Cancers want to protect everyone.

    13. We like women who can manage and control their confidence. It’s like Jean Grey/Phoenix from X-Men: The Last Stand. When she was able to control her powers, everything was fine. Then she went crazy, destroyed Professor X’s physical form, and…well, y’all saw the movie (if you didn’t, this would be pointless anyway). If a woman shows her confidence by being assertive, cool. If she has a drawer full of “I went to Harvard, so get out of my face” shirts, then we’re more likely to go in another direction.

    14. I always heard that the idea of makeup is to look like you’re not wearing any. That concept works for me, along with the related “less is more”. What we really don’t like is y’all getting your makeup on us somehow – especially if it’s not lipstick or lip gloss.

    15 and 16. Cosign.

    17. This is the case with everything: it’s all relative. Women want all kinds of attention…from Idris Elba or Brian White (some of them get it in White’s case, but that’s another story). Men think there are very few subjects worth talking about for more than 15 minutes (that time frame has come up before somewhere). If it’s not one of those – usually job or sports-related – then we’ll likely check out.

    18. Stated another way, we think you’re trying to find something wrong with us – especially with that “why aren’t you in a relationship” question. Usually, we’re right.

    19. I think women would be amazed if they learned how far the simplest of compliments can go with a man. As much as I have to say about the Father’s Day thing, I’ll refrain.

    20. We know how to be spontaneous: we just think about it first…and we remain flexible enough throughout the process to still appear spontaneous.

    Reply ↓

      • Girl people are confused LOL.
        Most male species in nature are naturally flashier, more colorful, showy etc in order to get female attention.

        Reply ↓

      • Outside of actual courtship, I don’t think so. At least personally, I can think of several things that I would do differently if my primary goal in life was to attract a woman (just generally speaking).

        With regard to the particular subject, I think there’s a problem if a man volunteers at the Urban League or joins an particular organization or picks a major in school or shops for particular material things because he wants to attract women. Of course the degrees of ‘pitiful’ vary according to circumstance, but having such ulterior motives is sad.

        Reply ↓

        • Ok I can understand it not being your primary goal to attract a woman, but at some point (on some levels) aren’t SOME of the things you do, done to attract women (even if they’re subtle)?

          Reply ↓

          • I think there’s a difference between doing things that attract women and doing things to attract women. About the closest thing I can think of that fits the latter (that I do) is going to the club, but even with that I go to dance and have fun. I can dance solo all night and be straight (this isn’t optimal, but it’s entirely possible).

            As is the case with most men, I do things that attract women. I wouldn’t say that I (would) do any of the things listed in #6 or in the comment above for the purpose of attraction. If someone were to ask me why I did any of those things, that wouldn’t even enter my mind as a reason.

            Reply ↓

            • *I think there’s a difference between doing things that attract women and doing things to attract women.*

              I see… I would point out that the two are not mutually exclusive, you can do things that attract women because you are doing things TO attract women. The odds on you randomly selecting all the right behaviors and actions that would attract a woman, with each behavior or action selected for reasons OTHER than attracting a woman… well to me it seems to go beyond even serendipity.

              My simple logic tells me that I interact with women and men differently. I know I do not want to attract men, and I know that I do want to attract women. Accordingly my behavior and interaction with both groups is different. And it is not by luck or chance, it is by design, strategy, and intent. And if if there is design and strategy then, in fact, I am doing things specifically to attract women. Do you agree or disagree?

              Reply ↓

              • The actions aren’t mutually exclusive, but the thought behind them is. I agree with your statement re: the odds on a man choosing correctly every time.

                I agree with your last paragraph, although I think it’s a red apple/green apple with reference to what I’m saying (not quite ‘apples and oranges’, but still different). Of course one’s interaction with people they’re attracted to will be different than that with those whom they are not attracted to. Yes, there is a nonrandom element. By that point, though, one would likely be in the (pre-)courtship phase – which is a different situation.

                Reply ↓

      • My husband swears by this. He says that if young girls stopped liking thug acting lil nuckas, then there would be less fake mini thugs and subsequently less full grown fake thugs. I used to disagree, but over time, I began to believe him.

        Reply ↓

        • ” My husband swears by this. He says that if young girls stopped liking thug acting lil nuckas, then there would be less fake mini thugs and subsequently less full grown fake thugs. I used to disagree, but over time, I began to believe him.”

          Are you the same one who’s husband only watches NFL Network? If so, that’s a smart man. I’ve been saying this about the thug epidemic for a while. I’m certainly not the only man that’s been making this claim either. The funny part is that on A Belle in Brooklyn the blog, most of us male commenters have alluded to this, but the women get irate and say that it’s not fair to give women ANY type of blame whatsoever, but it’s so true. Very few black dudes are into “nerdy things” because very few black women oogle and get all hot and bothered about astronauts, scienticsts, and doctors other than for the financial level those people will eventually be on. They aren’t attracted to them at their sexual core, and boys as well as men are aware of this early in the game (when they’re trying to choose an identity and direction for their life).

          Reply ↓

        • Don’t know if I agree with this one, I don’t think the onus is on women to stop liking something in order for men to stop adopting self-destructive and/or counter productive behavior.

          And before anyone suggests panty pandering I said the same thing about women first. Dudes have a choice to act like thugs. The responsibility to change is on dudes, not on women changing what they like.

          #justBeingConsistent

          Reply ↓

          • Your POV is exactly why I DIDN’t agree at first, but the more we talked I realized that it wasn’t about placing the responsibility on the young girls. His argument hasd nothing to do with responsibility at all. t’s simply a truth that he and his other cave-man buddies have learned from their experiences. At the end of the day, it is up to a young man to make smart choices, but the love of the young ladies is always a great incentive for making said smart choices.

            Reply ↓

          • Your POV is exactly why I DIDN’t agree at first, but the more we talked I realized that it wasn’t about placing the responsibility on the young girls. His argument hasd nothing to do with responsibility at all. t’s simply a truth that he and his other cave-man buddies have learned from their experiences. At the end of the day, it is up to a young man to make smart choices, but the love of the young ladies is always a great incentive for making said smart choices.

            Reply ↓

            • Which came first though, the chicken or the egg? If thug behavior preceded women liking it (which is entirely possible) then I’ll hold my position.

              In the end, regardless of incentives, people still have a choice. There are consequences and incentives alike for being a “thug” and they all have a bearing on the choice and they don’t all have something to do with what women like.

              Reply ↓

          • “I don’t think the onus is on women to stop liking something in order for men to stop adopting self-destructive and/or counter productive behavior.”

            Thank you. Don’t tell me the need for the cookie is so great you would be content in being a loser/getting arrested/”hustling” backwards because women still wanted you.

            Reply ↓

          • Men do what is needed to attract women. if they believe it attract women, they’ll keep doing it. We adopt and adapt strategies that give us the best advantage in spreading our seed. It is in part directly related to women. It’s along the same reason men don’t traditionally court anymore. Considering all you really need to do these days if find the correct smiley winky face combination in texts to unlock panties for a good number of women, it isn’t worth the effort to court unless the guy WANTS to court.

            It’s like people complaining that NBA superstars complain too much, well duh if you give them special treatment all the time of course they’re going to feel entitled.

            Reply ↓

            • *We adopt and adapt strategies that give us the best advantage in spreading our seed.*

              I agree with this… I just don’t acting like thug is a strategy. I think it’s just behavior, and if it happens to attract some women, it doesn’t retroactively make it a strategy (IMO)

              Reply ↓

              • I’ll agree that most people don’t sit their a plan out being a thug in order to attract women. It’s just that’s what they see and the benefits it yields so they begin to emulate it. I don’t think it’s a strategy in that it’s something you turn on and off when approaching a woman though.

                Reply ↓

        • “He says that if young girls stopped liking thug acting lil nuckas, then there would be less fake mini thugs and subsequently less full grown fake thugs. I used to disagree, but over time, I began to believe him.”

          very smart man

          Reply ↓

        • I said this eight years ago when I was in college. Then I realized I was making way too much sense and therefore nobody was gonna hear me anyway. Lol

          Reply ↓

    • Re: #4

      So if Richelle Carey was workin’ fries at Mickey D’s, that would have no bearing on your decision about whether to date/marry/etc. her at all (not saying that working there puts her out of the running)?

      Reply ↓

      • You already get points for using the right person in your scenario.

        I’d be lying if I said Richelle working at the Mac wouldn’t have ‘any’ bearing on any such decisions. I will say that the bearing would be insignificant – and that it would decrease as the relationship went on. I’d think about it, but that wouldn’t constitute a four-alarm blaze or anything.

        The only issue that would arise would be if she expects to live on Star Island. My salary alone wouldn’t get us there (public service doesn’t pay well). If she’s cool with the idea of us living within our means, then we should be straight.

        Reply ↓

  38. hmm….
    i like the sounds of this book, the cut of her jib if you will (i dont know what catch phrase means..i like the sounds of it though). lol.

    good breakdown sir champs-a-lot!

    Reply ↓

  39. “12. They like to protect you from the big bad world”

    “Only if you swallow”

    This had me choking on some Fruit Loops…ridiculous!!! True but Champ, almost died laughing.

    “5. Men don’t need to be reminded of our strength. Most know women are emotionally tougher. They just don’t want it thrown in their faces.”

    “Eh. Can’t agree or disagree until someone tells me what the hell “emotionally tougher” means.”

    Maybe she’s talking about women being able to take emotionally issues better than men. I don’t think that’s true since I don’t know a woman that can handle a broken heart with out tears, ice cream, sad songs or if it’s some extra-ness, a brick & be able to ‘take it in stride’ per sa.

    “¹While I wouldn’t go as far as to call the book classist, I will say that I can imagine some people being turned off by the hundreds of references to vodkas, shoes, and locations with unpronounceable names and inconceivable price tags”

    Ok, you might not go there Champ but I will. It might seem a bit classist for the budget conscious if certain products, locations & price tags are branded about. Some women with particular salaries might not spend money just because they have but I don’t know every woman so *kanyeshrug*

    I’ll check out the book anyway because it seems interesting & funny. Other than Your Degrees, which is great btw, a lot of so called self help single guides for women seem tripe, bullying & really don’t offer help.

    Reply ↓

    • “I don’t think that’s true since I don’t know a woman that can handle a broken heart with out tears, ice cream, sad songs or if it’s some extra-ness, a brick & be able to ‘take it in stride’ per sa.”

      But those are all short term reactions to a broken heart. Women will likely get over it and be willing to take the risk of love again. Most men will employ a long term reaction like reluctancy to being vulnerable again.

      Reply ↓

      • Most men will employ a long term reaction like reluctancy to being vulnerable again.

        Yup. Most guys will tell you the story of the girl who broke their hearts in…. high school… While women will tell you about the last guy who broke her heart 2 years ago…

        Reply ↓

    • CNotes & Sula-

      While those might be short term reactions for some women, there’s still seems to be some long term hurt feelings for some women after relationships. So while they may get over it faster, their hurt feelings seem to linger & shadow their current & future relationships.

      On hand, you have a man that’s been hurt & will close himself off from love. Or a woman that’s been hurt, react, get into another relationship while being haunted by the past. Either way, no one wins.

      Reply ↓

  40. 13. Men like confident women; at least, the good ones do.

    Confidence in womenly only accentuates an underlying strength (beauty, mostly.) Confidence, or the appearance of confidence, is not an asset in it’s own right – that’s a guy thing, not a girl thing.

    But a woman who looks good and clearly knows it, but isn’t stuck up about it, will blow a dude’s mind.

    Reply ↓

    • “But a woman who looks good and clearly knows it, but isn’t stuck up about it, will blow a dude’s mind”
      This right here… is the truth…

      Reply ↓

  41. I haven’t read her book so I can’t really weigh in. I read your 20 highlights though and I want to say that most of what she said is common sense however I know common sense isn’t common. I don’t want to be negative but I wasn’t surprised by anything and was mostly thinking “yeah, duh” after every point. The thing with dating advice is alot of it is common sense to me and all the books and blogs in the world won’t take away from the fact that people don’t always follow advice when dating. Alot of what we do is natural to who we are and our gender. Women are going to have chick-logic and men are going to have man-logic. I’ll order it later though, why not…maybe I’ll learn something.

    I will cosign what you said about being self-aware and what she said about confidence. I know I say it alot on here but it’s true. I will literally tell a man all of my flaws…all of them and he’ll just laugh and continue pursuing me. I even asked one guy why he shrugged off my flaws as I was being dead serious. He said because a woman knowing her flaws and being open about them confidently IS s.exy. The thing is, I’m a woman with emotions and I know this. I can’t be perfect nor can I be something that I’m not. I think we should all be confident in who we are, change what we can and accept what we cannot change. If we own it, all of it, a man has no choice but to accept it or leave. That alone is s.exy to me. It’s the bait and switch that they don’t like. And if you’re going to nag, fine, just follow it up with something nice :) . I think flaws are okay as long as you have great qualities to balance it out with. Like, if you get mad and knock the fork out of his hand while he’s eating…suck the food off his fingers and neck. It’s all about balance.

    Reply ↓

    • “Like, if you get mad and knock the fork out of his hand while he’s eating…suck the food off his fingers and neck. It’s all about balance.”

      thank you… i will be intentionally knocking some forks out of hands.

      Reply ↓

    • *Like, if you get mad and knock the fork out of his hand while he’s eating…suck the food off his fingers and neck. It’s all about balance.*

      The kick is up… and it’s good. *Field Goal*

      Reply ↓

    • “I think flaws are okay as long as you have great qualities to balance it out with. Like, if you get mad and knock the fork out of his hand while he’s eating…suck the food off his fingers and neck. It’s all about balance.”

      LOL! Best comment of the day!!!

      Reply ↓

    • 100% agree. More women need to take stock of who they are and stop fronting. Men need to do this too, but I’m convinced if women “kept it real” with themselves first, they’d be more inclined to get what they wanted long term because if what they TRULY wanted wasn’t happening, they’d stop spinning the story to fit an ideal/image and just roll out, or react in whatever way they thought was accordingly.

      Reply ↓

      • Exactly. We can’t grow if we don’t realize what we need to improve upon. Saying we’re all that and it’s the rest of them who have the problems will only lead us to live the exact same life year after year after year. We all need to be more honest. Cosign.

        Reply ↓

  42. As far as the list goes… not exactly original or dynamic information, but still this book looks like a good read. May consider purchase.

    Is there humor? If it’s funny I’ll buy it.

    It’s sad, but that’s my deciding factor on everything.

    Reply ↓

  43. Yeah I’m in a b*tchy mood today so I’m gonna be contrary. Anything you say about MEN is false. Because they are all different. Some similarities. Some men care about how much you have in the bank. They don’t want to get involved with a broke chick. Those would be the men who are not really trying to protect you from the big bad world because they see you as pretty much capable.

    White? Um… I heard men like women in red. I guess as long as its flattering it probably doesn’t matter.

    My qualification to the men don’t like “the talk”, being criticized and that they want to do god and for their woman to be happy is, what the woman actually needs to be happy ends up being ignored. A lot of guys have an idea of what “good” they are going to do. If she’s not happy with that, too bad. If she asks for more, she’s nagging and gets the mute button. Until she leaves and he decides to turn his hearing aid on. After its too late.

    Reply ↓

    • “They don’t want to get involved with a broke chick. Those would be the men who are not really trying to protect you from the big bad world because they see you as pretty much capable.”

      Be careful of these type of men, I call that “stepford hubby syndrome”, your job title or earning potential is very important to them because although they may have a job too they still like knowing the fact that if anything was to go wrong (oh his end) you are able to carry ALL ENDS.

      Reply ↓

      • “Be careful of these type of men, I call that “stepford hubby syndrome”, your job title or earning potential is very important to them because although they may have a job too they still like knowing the fact that if anything was to go wrong (oh his end) you are able to carry ALL ENDS.”

        So lemme get this understood. If a guy knows that if he looses his job, his woman will be able to cover until he finds gainful employment elsewhere, it’s a bad thing? Perhaps he should find someone who is unemployed so that he can be her hero until he loses his job then the family starves? No love for equal opportunity, or two people having each other’s back…he alone must bear all burden in financial crisis and prosperity? Why exactly must you be careful of these men?

        Reply ↓

  44. 4. A woman’s salary and degree are complete non-factors to men.

    Disagree. I witness otherwise.

    3. If men are interested in you, they want to do good.

    Agree.

    2. Men have feelings.

    How true is this and when?

    90% of my life (so far), I’ve assumed that men don’t have feels and am usually the last one to catch that I have broken a wing or spirit. I’ve never gasped how to navigate men and their feels/none feelings. I have also never practiced the ‘men are stupid, so nod, sex and maneuver around them to get whatever you want doctrine’, but nothing confuses me more than men and their feelings. Argh! This is my vice, sometimes kryptonite.
    .

    Reply ↓

    • *grasped

      Also…

      Don’t know if this is a fact, but I’ve noticed another thing about many men. They rarely lay roots outside of their preference. If the guy only likes beauty and that’s what you’ve sold, you’ve got to stay that way. You really can’t guilt trip a guy into an alternative preference like your escalating weight problem or aging. If he prefers other races, let it go. If he prefers men, let it go. Don’t try to flip or shame a guy on his most obvious preferences.

      Plus, it’s hard to witness women attempt this, especially in long term relationships. It’s like a hamster on a wheel.

      Reply ↓

      • If the guy only likes beauty and that’s what you’ve sold, you’ve got to stay that way.

        Reminds me of that saying: women will enter relationships with men and hope they will change, while men will enter relationships with women and hope they won’t (or however it goes).

        Reply ↓

        • This here. Not necessarily degrees, but a woman w/ a steady, reliable stream of income is definitely preferred.

          Reply ↓

        • But the idea here is that if a man is not feeling a woman (or no longer feeling a woman), her having gazillion million degrees is not going to change that fact.

          Reply ↓

          • I’ve not read the book, but I can’t tell if that’s the assumption from the sentence given, which includes the decision to date a woman. Sure a degree may not keep a man, but not having one may keep some men from choosing to date a woman. I don’t agree with it, but it happens.

            Reply ↓

        • I have never, ever, ever heard a man say he cares about a woman’s education. Never. Not once. Today is the first day. I’d like to think they care but I ain’t seen it. In fact I’ve heard men say they prefer dumb women, LOL.

          Reply ↓

          • That’s interesting. Well let me ask you this, of all the preferences (or requirements), I’m curious to know why you think men would leave education off the list?

            Reply ↓

                • They say- caring, nurturing, feminity, happy disposition, staying attractive to the man (whatever that is) and having a similar $exual appetite, some care about housekeeping abilities and cooking. I hear men say “smart” sometimes but never any educational qualifier; I’d think we’d agree one could be “smart” without having paperwork. This is not an exhaustive list but ask these dudes if they care whether Sanai Lathan (sp?) has a high school diploma…

                  Reply ↓

                  • Yeah, I can see those things on a list too. And yes, I agree, an academic education is not the only type of education. Just wasn’t sure why a degree would be perceived as a kinda odd requirement…of all the many ones that can be listed.

                    Also, in the scheme of the traits you’ve mentioned, a degree can be seen as a social value or minimum expectation for some men navigating through some social circles. It’s may not be one for all men. I may not see it as one (I don’t actually). But, it may be one for some.

                    Reply ↓

                    • Honestly IMO, education isn’t a great requirement for either $ex. There is an olderpost about that and I’m not trying to rehash; I just believe people can be very successful financially and otherwise without paperwork; personal traits make more of a difference and education alone.

          • I like smart women. Not necessarily a degree having woman….but not an idjit either. Grammar and spelling are important TO ME. “They’re” are people that don’t know “witch” “too” “two” use in “there” vernacular.

            #seewhatIdidthere?

            Reply ↓

            • That’s typically what I hear from guys…they want a woman who is smart, but she doesn’t have to be educated (in the degree-having sense of the word). And of course, there are plenty of smart women who don’t have degrees.

              Reply ↓

          • It’s necessary icing on the cake in the professional and/or bourgie set.

            Dudes in that set are only going to get serious with a woman who has a degree, but they won’t ever like her *because* of that degree, or that job.

            Reply ↓

  45. since i refuse to give the westin a dime on their pathetic-a$$ wi-fi hustle…i’m gon’ have to wait a lil’ to weigh-in on this one. but #3 is irkin’ me to say this ASAPually from the phone…often hidden in the reality of men failing to make/keep women happy is the fact that many women have a poorly defined, misguided or status quo definition of what “happiness” means to them. so when somebody finally gives you that textbook contentment…the target moves ’cause you realize there’s more to you as individual than what the conventional (magazines, mama’nem) wisdom has tried to convince you.

    Reply ↓

  46. I’m not really a fan of relationship books and advice because they all seem to be saying the same thing. However, I do believe that there are some good points she made, such as with #1, 8, and 9. I have to disagree a bit with 4, for it’s not necessarily the degrees, but it’s more if she’s willing to upgrade her situation by going for more, versus being complacent and relying on dude. The degrees are an extra, but if she’s working and not really applying herself and he’s out on his hustle and grind, then this creates conflict and one may feel left out. Also, I never had a chance to experience #11 too much since the last guy I was with hardly watched sports. lucky perhaps?

    Reply ↓

  47. I don’t necessarily disagree with the list howwwever I always have to play a little devils advocate. I dont like the whole painting with broad strokes thing. I mean, she’s probably right in many instances but I don’t think any woman should go out there touting that she knows men sooooo well that she’s qualified to give the whole male species the run down and give advice to other women about them.. What are her qualifications? Sleeping with a lot of guys? I dunno, I just get a little bit touchy when people try to pass off their opinions as facts..

    Reply ↓

    • Yes!!!! Say it two times BKsweetheart!!!!

      Ol girl has some good points or whatever but calling these common observations a “Man Manual” is something I don’t agree with. Not all men are the same (praise Yahwe) and there is no universal remote in the way we deal with them. Different strokes for different folks ya know

      Reply ↓

    • my quals are interviewing thousands of men, thousands of women and hundreds of experts (including many psychologists) over appx. 8 years for my day jobs and asking them the questions about dating, relationships, preferences, thought patterns that few women ask. in the chapter where this excerpt is taken from, and in the intro to the book, i explain where my knowledge base comes from. if you know anything about dudes, you also know the quickest way to get them NOT to be open with you is to sleep with them outside of a relationship. the knowledge was gained in professional settings, and to a lesser extent, anecdotal observation.

      the advice may not be universal to all men (which I do note in the chapter as well), but what’s on the list is stuff that came up again and again over the years.

      thanks for the love, VSB. totally enjoying this discussion. :-)

      Reply ↓

  48. I dig Belle’s site, so I wish her nothing but the best, and like Champ, I too admire how she has built her brand.
    That being said, I do not need to elaborate on how I feel about another “Single Gals Manual” to living n shyt I just……*sigh* I’m not going there. I’m not, Im eating some cinnamon oatmeal cookies right now, they are flame as h3ll, and I will not disrupt this good thing I got goin on, by expressing my exasperation with the whole “Single’s Manual” genre.

    So I guess I’ll just say what I think about the list. I have no strong feelings of agreement or objections really.

    1. Tis true. I wish half of my male friends told their current or past girlfriends what they tell me. So I can stop hearing about it. The same can be said for my girlfriends as well. I haven’t the slightest idea as to why they all feel I’m the one to complain to. I guess because I just do that “active listening” thing, and let them vent. I did talk one of my friends out of cutting her husband though..so I guess I am pretty useful.

    4. See, I don’t know about that. It depends on the man, because my friend’s brother finds nothing sexier on a woman than a high credit score, and a steady job. His girls might not be “lookers” but you can bet they have good work history and an above 700 credit score. But then again those standards are for the women he has relationships with. Now the women he screws, while with them……..

    6. I think that applies a lot to both sexes. I remember watching some special on Discovery with Elizabeth Hurley and the Monty Python dude, anyway some think that all we do concerning career, hobbies, competition, all stems from some biological hard wiring to make us more desirable to the opposite sex, whether we’re conscious of it or not. More interestingly they then discussed whether the theory of women wearing red lipstick to emulate a flushed vulva and attract the male species, was feasible…

    9. I don’t wear sweats. For no particular reason, I just don’t own any. I don’t run errands in my Sunday’s best, but I’ll just throw on an oversize v neck, some leggings, shoes (according to the weather) and some aviators and call it a day.

    10. I don’t know if men are so much into “monochromatic” colors, or if they’re just more appreciative with less fussy, more simple looks. I think this goes for make-up, and clothing a like. This just made me think of one chick, who prides herself in her love of flaccid member inducing fashion : http://www.manrepeller.com/
    I love that crazy Bish ( I’m a semi-repeller)

    14. I think a lot of men and women say they don’t like make up because of the women..and men who don’t know how to wear it, and wear too much. In the morning, I am a big proponent of the “5 minute face”. I think the evening allows for more drama. Either way it’s make up, it suppose to be fun, not rocket science. Long as you don’t end up looking like..
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c6MWHwhqgrs

    18. Me Too… I mean who does?

    * Far as the whole “classicism” thing…sigh… I can only imagine the pretense. But then again this is the guide for the “upward urban mobile professional..black woman or some shyt” Long as there are no mentions of “red bottoms” and Herve Leger we’re all good. I loathe label name dropping, and most of the time it’s not even worthy labels that are being mentioned!*

    I could go on an on about that one…but these cookies…….

    Reply ↓

    • #4- Damn, you think a good credit score could get you some fidelity.
      #9- They say they love leggings.
      #14- I couldn’t turn up the sound. I hope this lady is in some type of community play or a child entertainer?

      They had BS in the cafe today; those cookies would be right on time.

      Reply ↓

  49. #1) Gotta admit this is surprisingly true… especially as I get older. Two of my best resources are really good female friends I talk out all my relationship angst with, and they are EXTREMELY helpful …if for no other reason they give the woman’s perspective on how shit is gonna be received if I do it…

    #4) I disagree with this. Maybe that’s true with chicks I just wanna smash. But for anything serious, it’s totally important. Not because I want your shyt…but because I don’t wanna have to carry you on my back. I like women who are already handlin theirs.

    #13) I think men and women’s conception of ‘confident’ is different. Women seem to think it means showing us that they don’t need us for shyt… I think we perceive it more as NOT NEEDING to show us they don’t need us for shyt..because that’s clearly not true anyway. The most confident thing a woman can do, imo, is play her position without a lot of fanfare… It’s the female version of speakin softly while carryin a big stick, or the ‘strong silent type’. the women I tend to respect the most are NEVER the ones constantly trying to show me they are ‘equal’ to men… why would you want to be that, when you so clearly are superior in some ways, while not in others.

    #14) Ok ..this should be MANDATORY learning for all women. And foundation, blush and eye shadow should be outlawed. It’s nasty…it ruins my shirts, and it’s not even attractive. Ditto for weaves, fake nails, breast implants and other *ish* women THINK men want them to wear. But pumps and other kinds of heels…yeah, keep doin that. I’m not madd at a little lipstick,etc… as long as it is invisible and I don’t even notice it. Like Champ said,… like ‘independence, exes and sluttiness’.

    #18) Again… the realest and least understood shyt ON here. I have LITERALLY recently broke up with a woman for exactly this. I’m a very honest and unusually forthright dude. If you’re gonna treat me like I’m the other dishonest dogs ….then what’s the point of me being who I am. It would be like dudes treating all women like their sluts because some women dance in videos… In the words of Adele Givens “That’s not cute Ree Ree!”

    Reply ↓

    • #14) Ok ..this should be MANDATORY learning for all women. And foundation, blush and eye shadow should be outlawed. It’s nasty…it ruins my shirts, and it’s not even attractive

      THANK YOU! I can’t count how many shirts I have lost to this.

      Reply ↓

      • I hear y’all on #14- but I question the accuracy of it. Men drool over women they *only* see in make-up and full regalia (sp?) all the time. (And usually women will forego laying on your clothes when we know we’re wearing makeup- the nice ones do.)

        Reply ↓

          • And imagine if your favorite actress/singer/pr0n star had to be photographed without concealor. Cougars my a$$.

            Reply ↓

          • I disagree… I don’t need perfection. I need my shirts not to reek of foundation. I think this is something that bothers yal more than us. I firmly believe women buy makeup and shoes to impress other WOMEN… cuz dudes wouldn’t care if you were blotchy and barefoot… if you got a TADOW! booty and some nice peaches.

            Reply ↓

        • I don’t “drool” over any woman…..but I do have mad respect (and quite a bit of adoration for) many a woman who looks good in her REAL self…..without half of Korea in her head and half of Macy’s on her face.

          Reply ↓

    • #14 I still remember that one time in 1998 that I bought this white Calvin Klien (remember him?) shirt and my work wife leaned on me during lunch… and it was ruined. Her lip gloss was poppin but that burgundy/wine color looked horrible on me.

      Reply ↓

      • LOL, ya know many times that’s won’t happen unless we momentarily forget. Sometimes I forget I’m wearing mascara and I rub my eyes- hot mess. But chicks that enjoy make-up usually don’t want to mess up their make-up and will avoid all facial contact for that reason.

        Reply ↓

    • in the beginning of my relationship, This was me, but I had to learn to trust and that in fact, I was just being nosey about stuf that had nothing to do with me. At some point, you just have to leave ish alone and take it for what it is

      Reply ↓

  51. 3. If they’re remotely interested in you, they want to do good. They want to make you happy and honestly don’t know how sometimes

    There’s ALOT of truth in this here ^^^^ even tho they may fcuk it up FiftyEleven times before they get it right, but if he TRULY CARES, he will find a way.

    Reply ↓

  52. Okay so this is totally unrelated to todays topic but I’m relocating to the Dallas area and I was just wondering if there are any VSBs or VSS out that there that wanna play tour guide lol :)

    Reply ↓

  53. My home skillet WIP said something so true that I had to shout her out. Somebody asked why men don’t seem to care how many degrees (if any) a woman may have and often times don’t include it on their list of must haves in a woman. WIP said:

    “Because education isn’t a requirement to do what men value.”

    Let it marinate.

    Reply ↓

    • Really?! Who asked that? I asked why she thought that one thing would be excluded from a list of so many requirements (side note: some men have requirements as silly as hair texture and butt size minimum. A degree wouldn’t be such an odd stretch. Nothing I agree with, but shrug).

      However, I see you’ve put some extra ooohs and ahhhs on it. LOL

      …that is if that was in reference to my question.

      Also, what is it that men value that would only exclude education (degree) from a list of requirements?

      This isn’t a debate…just a question about a point of view.

      Reply ↓

      • Woah I did misquote you, my bad homey! lol I was pulling from my memory :) But I think it’s the same point. You did ask that and I agree. Brothas get major picky so it seems weird that a higher education would be excluded. To answer your quesiton: men value the things that aren’t in textbooks like how to cook, clean, and be supportive while peeling the black off his arse. Okay that last part was extra. ;)

        Reply ↓

        • Please don’t bring up Bro. Franklin. : ) I’ve managed to keep my obsession with watching him on YouTube at bay. Oh, what the hell!!! *YouTubing Bro Franklin*

          Reply ↓

          • Crank that Bro. Franklin CNote. I can see you at the club right now just diving inbetween club patrons. You got that glow like a little light sabre.

            Reply ↓

            • @DQ

              Bwhahaha @ me diving inbetween club patrons!!!!!! That front tuck somersault was priceless, right?! (Holds up a “10″ scorecard).

              Reply ↓

              • *Holds up a 5.8 scorecard*

                The front tuck somersault was actually a 10, but I’m with the Russian judges.

                Reply ↓

                • *Holds up a 5.8 scorecard*

                  Ouch! You’re tough : ) If only Bro. Franklin trained under Béla Károlyi like Mary Lou Retton.

                  Reply ↓

    • “Because education isn’t a requirement to do what men value”

      I want to add to the end of that – “IN A RELATIONSHIP”

      I do want an educated women, I want her to be successful at what she does… I value that she has education as it pertains to her professional goals… what I don’t want is her transferring her professional persona into our relationship. I realize you tell people what to do on your job, you direct people, you execute. Our relationship is not your job, and if you approach it that way you won’t have one very long.

      Here we are a team. Here we have roles. Here we compromise. Completely different tool set in the relationship than the one that you must use to be successful on the job.

      Reply ↓

      • Yes, that should be added. I’m sure men value education. I’d guess that education is a plus; some comments were made about that last week. I’ve heard men happily brag on their women and their accomplishments. I also recall a VSB post where many women were stating their man *had* to have a degree. I remember this post because several of the comments stood out to me. Some men in that post may have said the same thing but I can’t recall any. I haven’t heard men list educational requirements when talking about what they want in a woman. Not saying it ain’t never happened, but you know- “mythical negros”. There’s a first for everything.

        Reply ↓

  54. 12. They like to protect you from the big bad world”

    “Only if you swallow”

    With that, I really have nothing else to say…

    Reply ↓

  55. “All white top-all white belt-all white jeans-body lookin’ like MILK!” (In a falsetto Ludacris voice) I guess Lisa Raye would Amen the color choice. But (pouty face) I hate wearing ALL white!!! Why? I look betta in BLACK! I’m a black woman, livin’ in a black neighborhood, drivin’ a black car attracted only to black men! Black is my color!!! (notice my black panther outfit & my Supa-Soul-Sista fist in the air!) Seriously though, I do think white clothes are striking & noticible, especially in da club with the black lights & all. It makes a woman glow :-) .

    *This is my 2nd post, & I’m addicted to posting now.*
    Luv, your computer challenged Newbie from Philly :-)
    Btw, how do I get my pic on this thingie?

    Reply ↓

  56. Love the site! I’m new, and i cant get enough. Loved the book! I read it in one day! It was extremely helpful, especially the list of 30 lessons towards the end! Ladies, it is a must read! Go out and buy it!

    Reply ↓

  57. sorry if this has been stated–i’m late and didn’t read comments :-/. i think men of a certain pedigree and/or character care about your background and breeding. sex and marriage are two different things, but to imply that men across all borders of class, education, wealth don’t care about what you’ve done with your life when considering sex and marriage doesn’t jibe with what i have observed and heard firsthand.

    i think i would like to read this book.

    Reply ↓

  59. #14 (about makeup) I wear lots of “hats” 1 of them being a professionaly trained makeup artist. Too much makeup-wrongly applied is truly unattractive. I could see why a man wd not enjoy that.
    However, it’s important to know that Makeup can be applied at varying “degrees of thickness.” It can be applied for a “natural” look, (most men love that) “glam” (full stage makeup-which they see on ALL the entertainers, actresses & models that they drool over) look, “hard” rock/urban hard core city vibe look, “professional” every day on the job look (Most like this too), “soft” for a whisper of prettiness look (looks good with the WHITE sundress) & the list goes on & on depending on the woman & her stated need/purpose. However, if it is done without skill, a woman will look downright crazy! So, it behooves a woman to learn how to properly apply her tools if she’s into makeup or wants to learn :-) .
    Now: to keep your makeup (foundation & powder) from rubbing off on your man’s shirt:
    #1. Use a “primer”
    #2. Buy Ben Nye Final Seal Spray or Mehron Barrier Spray & mist baby mist!
    ****
    Now, allow me to play a foxy makeup she-devil’s advocate:
    I do not always do the above (mist with a product that seals the makeup) when I wear makeup. However, in the heat of passion I’ve NEVVA known a man to stop & tell me: “Wait a minute baby, your getting makeup on my shirt.” Now, I confess I’ve seen my ex look at his shirt the next morning & say (with an” I want summore” grin in a sexy Billy Dee Williams “you want my arm to fall off” lady sings the blues voice) Damn baby, u got makeup on my shirt, come-mear let me spank u… ;-) . So for me, it’s never been a problem, never.
    ****
    Now, allow me to be the wife who’s makeup has gotten on her husband’s shirt:
    He complains about it. My ans: “So, what’s the problem?!! (hands on hips, eyes narrowed into slits) I handle your laundry any way. U have fresh shirts from the cleaner’s in the closet. Don’t start none-won’t be none!”
    Lastly:
    If a man meets me & I am wearing makeup, see’s my pic & I am wearing makeup then, we go on a couple of dates & I’m still wearing makeup he bet-not expect me to stop wearing it. (And vice versa if I’m not into makeup.) What I’m saying is, he needs to focus on who “I am” = my mind, my goals, dreams, my heart, my very essence & try to build a friendship 1st. And- If then my “friend” has a problem with me wearing makeup he can express himself as long as he’s ready to hear me say: ” O.K. Booboo, say that 1 mo time sugar, just do it movin!” (in other words: Get out my face!)
    I might buy the book because this thread continues to intrigue me & I luv to see young black women in business do well. (I really do!) But I must confess, if the goal of it is another “Help a po’ sad & lonelyazz black woman get a man cuz she sho’ ain’t complete wit-out one” guide: I’m cool.
    However, I wish her the best of success because there seems to be a huge market for this.

    Reply ↓

  60. Definately gonna go grab this book. YES ladies like her (including myself :) )exist!

    Ladies who enjoy being single but don’t get hung up on not needing a man.

    Ladies who approach relationships with common sense and have realistic expectations of a man.

    Just basically any chick who doesn’t go ape sh*t crazy when they get into a relationship!

    Reply ↓

  61. SMH @ half of these. Obvious ones like “Men have feelings” shouldn’t even be listed. How insightful is that? We’re humans.

    #18 is one of the most important items ever. So many chicks think they’ll get to the truth by accusing first rather than asking.

    #20: “They always tell us we think too much, but they think a lot. I don’t know if men know how to be spontaneous. They think about everything. Trust me.”

    If she doesn’t know, she shouldn’t be informing others. How you going to sell a book saying you don’t know? Where they do that at?

    Reply ↓

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>