Featured, Theory & Essay

The President And The First Lady Are Totally, Definitely Fucking Everywhere In The White House

Of course, its extremely presumptuous of me — or anyone, rather — to speculate on the Obamas’ sex life. Who knows what’s happening privately between them? For all we know, they could have one of those arrangements like Claire and Frank Underwood where they both kinda do their own thing (and occasionally include secret service agents).

But come the hell on! Look at them! Look at our first lady! Look at that ass! Look! At! Dat! Ass! Look at that look on the President’s face. It’s the same look you have on Thanksgiving while you’re praying before the feast; a look of “God is great and yadda, yadda, yadda, yadda, yadda is the praying done yet cause I can’t wait to smash the fuck out of this dressing.” They are totally, definitely, 100% fucking everywhere at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. From the windows to the walls. Till the sweat drips down Barack’s balls. Skeet, skeet, skeet, skeet. The playlist proves it!

James S. Brady Press Briefing Room? They fucked there, right on top of discarded memos about Quantanamo Bay and a moleskin binder accidentally left behind by Josh Earnest. (They bought him a new one the next day.) The Grand Staircase? It was painful — that hardwood chafed the First Lady’s shin — but they totally fucked there. The White House Situation Room? It’s now the White House Squirtation Room. The Vermeil Room? I don’t even know what the hell that is, but they definitely fucked in it.

As tickled as I am by the thought of our President and First Lady making the beast with two backs all through the White House, I’m gotdamn verklempt that they’re doing in it a place built by slaves and with hallways adorned with the profiles of slaveowners who happened to be presidents. I’m beside myself at the thought of how disgusted some of the men on those walls would be if they knew what was happening beneath them right now. Seriously, imagine the look on Andrew Jackson’s face if he knew the Black-ass president in 2016 would get so excited while boning his Black-ass wife that he accidentally shot jizz on his portrait.

I will miss these people, man.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com and EBONY Magazine. And a founding editor for 1839. And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • miss t-lee

    “They are totally, definitely, 100% f*cking everywhere at 1001 Pennsylvania Avenue.”

    Where?

    • L8Comer

      ???

      • miss t-lee

        I was like…uhhhhhh

    • Brandon Allen

      That’s the Hyatt down the street.

    • You ain’t shyt . Lmao

      Was this your face? Lmao

      • miss t-lee

        Basically…lol
        I mean, who doesn’t know the address of the White House, Mayne

    • Medium Meech

      Dam it Champ and his loose lips.That’s actually my address. It had to get out sometime. Michelle Robinson and I ask that you respect our privacy as she makes this difficult and highly personal transition.

      • miss t-lee

        *hollering*

  • Denise Johnson

    I thought it was 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. They moved the White House?

  • RewindingtonMaximus

    That picture. This being VSB. This being Damon who posted.

    I think I found the proper song to encapsulate all 3.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pn1VGytzXus

    • HouseOfBonnets

      I almost recited Nicki’s entire verse….. It’s a respected big booty anthem. But back that thang up will always be the goat.

      • miss t-lee

        My fave is “Go Girl” by Pitbull & Trina. Complete with the big truck back up beep, beep, beep.
        My sawng.

        • HouseOfBonnets

          Yaaaas, Pitbull and trina don’t get their props for that one

          *Shakes dice and rolls them*

          • miss t-lee

            HYFR.
            “Diamond Princess…I make em…”

          • NonyaB

            “…when I back it up, like a mack truck”!

        • NonyaB
          • miss t-lee

            AYE!

      • I always have to drop what I’m doing and recite Nicki’s verse word for word. And I always try to hold my breath for the “islands of Waikikiiiiiiiii…” part. Then I fall off the treadmill or train platform.

        • RewindingtonMaximus

          i’ll pay to see this

    • BrownKitty289

      One of my fav Nicki looks! <3

  • Damon Young

    lol, thanks y’all. edit made.

    (reason number 878942 why we need a copy editor)

    • miss t-lee

      You’re welcome.

    • Epsilonicus

      Its ok. That photo distracted you

    • skinnynow

      I do freelance work

    • TJ84

      Is that a paying gig?? Sheeeiiiiittt. I’d copy edit for first dibs on the next articles.

    • Cheech

      Also, Quantanamo Bay. (Aka QuitMo)

    • BrownBearBear

      I’m also in those writing/editing freelance streets. Crowdsource that help mane.

    • Lea Thrace

      psst (call Dara)

  • Negro Libre
    • Joycetloya1

      Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !ro208f:
      On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
      !ro208f:
      ??
      ??;?? http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash448MediaZoomGetPay$97Hour ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????::::::!ro208f:….,….

  • I’m dying. I’m dying. I’m dead.

  • cyanic

    Our First Lady grew.

  • 2520greatyear

    Crine

  • Shout out to all the big booty black girls.. FLOTUS just gave another fine example of why she is and forever will be the shyt.

    She should rock a catsuit with holes cut throughout it for extra fukk its..

    Even my daughter was like, “Mami, the first lady has a big ol booty just like you. Is that real?”

    POTUS has to be the pull out king.. I love them… #Youcantoutdoblackpeople EVER.

    THIS IS THE BLACKEST PIC OF 2016.

    • NomadaNare

      That same discipline that got him to Columbia Harvard and the White House made sure the world didnt have sixteen little Baracks and Michelles

      • WORD.

      • Conrad Bess

        That presidential playlist bonus tracks were both Gangstarr – Discipline and Royalty. Especially Royalty, cuz with them assets Mrs. Obama packing.

        “I’ll open up the door always before you pass me
        Baby Doll, because you’re royalty”

        • Patriciamspivey2

          Google is paying 97$ per hour! Work for few hours and have longer with friends & family! !ri253f:
          On tuesday I got a great new Land Rover Range Rover from having earned $8752 this last four weeks.. Its the most-financialy rewarding I’ve had.. It sounds unbelievable but you wont forgive yourself if you don’t check it
          !ri253f:
          ??
          ??;?? http://GoogleFinancialJobsCash493TopGlobeGetPay$97Hour ?????????????????????????????????????????????????????::::::!ri253f:….,….

          • Breshay

            Stop advertising on theses sites, I am going to report you to them directly. You are advertising on other people’s sites, do you pay them for this service?

    • Skegeeaces

      Not with hikes cut out of it. Hahaha!

    • miss t-lee

      You know she made him go get snipped after Sasha…lol

      • B-Dot Willz

        And Barry been “shooting up the club” ever since

        • miss t-lee

          Basically.

        • troubleman

          Now THAT’S a fitness plan!

      • Yeeeah girl!!!

        • brothaskeeper

          Damb, Aaliyah was fine!

          • Mochasister

            Gone too soon.

      • kingpinenut

        I am KingPineNut ( he who is also snipped ) and I approve of this message

        • miss t-lee

          LMAO

        • TheCollinB

          *no look dap for being part of the snip club*

          • kingpinenut

            *daps*

            I ain’t tryin to be on no damb t.v. show

            mighta been the best 15 mins of my life….minus the ride home with heated car seats :/

          • SouthwestDekalb

            Getting cut, fried and laid to the side is indeed on my top 5 best decisions list. “Don’t worry, be happy!”….in my best Bobby McFerrin voice.

    • LadyJay?

      Lemme c. YOU got that catsuit. Meow!

    • Mochasister

      Lol at “Mami, the first lady has a big ole booty just like you.” Poor baby has been so brainwashed by these white women (cough*Kardashian*cough) that she had to ask if it’s real. Yes, Virginia. There is still real booty in the world.

      • That’s a word!!! When she asked me that, it occurred to me that for her fake booties are the norm… I was like, “Girl… YES, THAT’S REALLY HERS.”

        Dayum… nowadays, you can go buy a booty like a bag of Remy hair..smdh

    • Ger Wil

      “Pull-out King”!!!!! #cackled

    • Janelle Doe

      You must have had a big smile on your face when you confirmed for your daughter that it was indeed REAL :-)

      • Hahahaha.. I did… She needs to know that every sister with a phatty ain’t fake. lol

    • Michelle Obama…
      Catsuit…
      The world would never be the same.

  • Courtney Wheeler

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