The #PostBadBeards Struggle Is REAL: Why I’m Not Mad At Fake Beards » VSB

Featured, Theory & Essay

The #PostBadBeards Struggle Is REAL: Why I’m Not Mad At Fake Beards

iStock

 

Earlier today, I came across a discussion on the homie Demetria Lucas’s Facebook page which dealt with the beard enhancement industry. Most of us are familiar with bigen — where men with thinning hair use spray-on to make their beards and hairlines look more full — but now there are actual beard weaves, beard lacefronts, and even beard wigs. Which is rifuckingdiculous. But…I get it. 

Although “light-skinned points,” “big booty points,” “long hair points,” “tall points,” “big dick points,” and “he has a job points” are well established and generally acknowledged within the Black community, “man hair points” — where men are given extra attractiveness points just for having a full beard or long dreadlocks — are just as common. Just as many Black men lose all common sense when seeing a lightskinned woman with a big butt — even if she actually looks like Drake with a lacefront — many Black women lose their common sense when seeing a guy with long locs or a nice beard — even if he actually looks like one of the construction workers from Fraggle Rock. 

So knowing that, in the eyes of many Black women, a #badbeard can make a Black man jump from a 5 to a 8, it’s understandable why there’d be a #badbeard enhancement industry. Because the difference between a 5 and an 8 can mean a co-sign on a car loan or even a choice to swallow. And if a #badbeard is all that’s standing between you and a low interest rate and/or award-winning fellatio, I understand the need to invent one.

I don’t agree, but I understand.  

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • I always thought bigen was a f**k ninja move but this beard ish needs to be pushed back into Hades from where it came.

    • Andrea

      Do you look at guys who do it as “Vain and Insecure” or do you just not like the pictures where it looks bad? Is it bad when you can’t tell the difference? And is that your real hair?

      • A bit of both. If it was well done, a dude wouldn’t notice. When it’s noticed though, it makes a guy look mad insecure.

      • It just looks off. Like something Roland Martin would do. It always gave me the same vibe as colored contacts and what not.

        • OSHH

          It look like and is, some ultimate bama ish basically.

        • IcePrincess

          Bwahaha my son’s ratchet auntie still wears color contacts smh

          • Andrea

            Is it not cool to wear colored contacts? How are these lines supposed to be drawn? And who does the drawing?

            • IcePrincess

              Gurl as far as I kno, it’s never been cool, always been cheesy. I also don’t kno who makes the rules, but when in doubt, err on the side of natural instead of fake. Hope this helps, lol

              • BreezyX2

                BOL!

            • T.Q. Fuego

              It’s all arbitrary. Social rules generally are. Life in the black community in particular involves a lot of random rules and lines you aren’t supposed to cross. You could say the same for any community, but ours has a lot more taboos and intolerances it seems. Maybe it has something to do with us being the most vulnerable and oppressed race so we believe we have less margin for error, but it’s one of the ways we oppress ourselves now. People took the shame mechanism too far, but at the same time we’re human and humans like to express their preferences and disdain sometimes. You shouldn’t take it personal.

              • Andrea

                Well said. I really want to work on making my own rules. I’m tired of black community rules. I need an oppression vacation. I’m gonna have to remember to remember folks generally look at me crazy. But they always have.
                I do a lot of volunteer work with sick folks. Who have everything falling off. So this month has been particularly hard. Spending time with sick folks sure makes you want your own rules. But I digress. But can I tell you. The response to the Viola Davis scene, and then the response to this post. Is just harder to swallow this month.

        • Paradigm

          Don’t judge me Wu.. *hides all high school pics from junior year*

          • Ms. Bridget

            Colored contacts or sew-in beard?

            • Paradigm

              Contacts… I tried it… Wasn’t for me… Kept it movin’

      • I just see it as doing too much….u can’t keep the jig up but so long so why bother. At least a good weave lasts a while, this spray on beards last about as long as Cinderella swag

        • Andrea

          Ooooh Maybe the good beard wigs last like weaves? I don’t know much about how they are put on. I would like to see a good one out. I’ve seen good ones for stage all the time. I could see the artists who know how to do it. Just doing it. Cause that’s what they do. And feel like entertaining themselves with something different.

      • LadyIbaka

        I look at them as VAIN to the max. No lie, no lie, no lie, no lie-ai-ai-ai!!

      • CamCamtheGreat

        “Can’t tell the difference?” Excuse me?!!!

    • *snuggles up next to you* I’m a fan of all natural beards myself…

  • A low interest rate and/or “knowledge “…. The struggle is REAL. I didn’t know about beard points.though. It’s a wash in my experience. Maybe I need to ask for some recounts on these points. LOL Some women like beards and others don’t.

    • Damon Young

      It’s true. Not all women love beards. Some hate them. Some are neutral. But the ones who do love them seem to, um, really, really, really love them.

    • Vanity in Peril

      I like beards in theory. I hate beards in practice.

      • *gets Uber to barbershop*

    • MissB

      For me it’s about the actual person, their hygiene and their overall style. I must confess that lately I’ve been into beards when I never liked them before. Like, ever!
      I think it happened after I turned 34, all of a sudden I love beards so… not sure what to think about that.

    • Andrea

      I find i’m not liking things that seem tooooo trendy in multiples. There’s a certain beard I was seeing a lot at the ‘day parties’ this summer. And since errybody had it. I didn’t like it. I don’t know what my issue with the twinsy thing is. I don’t like to see guys hanging out in groups and they all look like they have the same hairstyle/ facial hairstyle. And it bothers me when women are all in groups and they all look like they have the same hairstyle/ facial hairstyle lol.

  • It’s reflective on society….If you LOOK the part why do it.

  • cryssi

    Why does the construction worker from Fraggle Rock plus full beard produce a Rick Ross image man titties and all in my head?

  • Frank I.

    Can’t condone the fake beard movement. If you can’t grow a decent beard, give it up. Find another way to style, homie. How do you feel about yourself as a dude putting someone else’s hair or fake hair on your face? Please don’t give me the argument women have been doing it for years. Women have also been wearing dresses and high heels. You gonna start doing that too?

    • Andrea

      What does putting on fake hair have to do with or not with being a dude? Why give it up? If a person wants a ghatdawg beard before they die. Let a man have a ghatdawg beard before he dies. That ninja gonna die. And you won’t even let him have a beard.

      • Frank I.

        Fake hair in general unless you’re an actor and it’s for a role is a very feminine thing to do. I can’t condone or respect it. If you can’t grow a beard then let it go. Sometimes dreams are just that. It’s like that 45 year old dude still trying to get that record deal cuz he’s nicer than these young cats. It’s kinda time to let it go and move on with your life. It’s not like the inability to grow facial hair is new to them. They haven’t had facial hair or the ability to grow a decent beard their whole life.

        • Andrea

          I must respectfully disagree with you on it being a feminine thing to do. I think it is just something to do. *gender neutral*

        • Epsilonicus

          “Fake hair in general unless you’re an actor and it’s for a role is a very feminine thing to do.”

          Explain the toupee

          • Paradigm

            Eps I got nuthin but luh’ for ya as part of this VSB community but I just took a look at your profile pic and I get why you internalizing this discussion.. As it relates to men.. the toupee is as bad as hairplugs.. Im not takin’ no shots but lets keep it a hunna

            http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view6/2634746/ali-vs-cosell-toupee-o.gif

            • Andrea

              So Bad means (awkardly noticeable)? But what about good (not awkard, not noticeable) ? How can you be bad and mad about what you don’t even know exists????

              • Paradigm

                Bad for me equals totally unnecessary.. The toupee and hairplugs are related to baldness and I thnk when that time comes men gotta accept it.. Thats why I’ve already stated that I will cut my locs the moment they start to retire

                • AlwaysCC

                  my husband went bald as soon as he saw his hair was *starting* to thin. he said he wasn’t going to hold out past the point of no return.

          • IcePrincess

            I’m on da top jus like toupees, aaaaye, I’m in her mouth jus like toothpaste!

        • “Fake hair in general unless you’re an actor and it’s for a role is a very feminine thing to do.”

          Correction, its not a feminine thing to do, its just a bad thing to do….it looks no better in films…
          *thinks back to Boris Kodjoe’s fake fro and Shemar Moore’s lacefront cornrows*
          *wonders why Tyler Perry hates black men*

          • Andrea

            “It looks no better in films”….But you only named TYLER PERRY films!!!! LOL That can’t be how this is judged.

            • SuperStrings

              The Perry Scale is logarithmic like the Richter Scale.

              • Andrea

                HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You soo funny.

          • Paradigm
          • amina

            I would like to add Mekhi Phifer’s 8mile dreadful dreds to this discussion. Fake locs, NOPE.

            • *daps you up*
              Yew be knowin.

              • amina

                *beams with pride*

          • T.Q. Fuego

            Wait, so you saying fake hair isn’t feminine? You saying it’s always bad, like even when women do it? That’s a bold statement.

    • Historically, men have been wearing heels since before women have. So, there’s that.

    • PunchDrunkLove

      Thank you!

  • SuperStrings

    I have 4 questions about this: 1) So lacefront beards really is a thing huh? 2) There are beard points? 3) Said points can elevate your desirability by 60%? 4) How do you go about figuring out if your beard game is on the level?

    • OSHH

      I don’t think I have ever given out a beard point.
      Now I will say some men are more attractive with facial hair.

      • SuperStrings

        Got it. I’m just trying to self-assess and see if my beard game is hurting or supporting my efforts. lol

        • Junebug

          Well, getchaself a raspberry beret (as in Prince), a pair of Timberlands, and a farm in Minnesota and see what that does!!

    • 1) Totally a thing. Seent it in person. Thought I was at a drag show.
      2) YES. There are beard points to be earned. Not to be mistaken with “Any Kind of Body Hair Points” cuz #ew.
      3) If well-kept and doesnt smell like yesterday’s lunch, yep
      4) The jury is still out on this. I think its subjective–a glorious Freeway beard on one man might look awful on another man…..sorry about the moving goalpost, but when ya know, ya know.

      • SuperStrings

        I figured the goalpost was mobile. It usually is. I guess you just have to go for what you know and let the chips fall where they may while knowing when to fold ’em in God’s time because everything that glitters ain’t gold.

        • allllll that. And then some.

          • SuperStrings

            I knew you’d understand.;-)

    • LadyIbaka

      Looking like a sharpie weirdo does nothing in elevating desirability.

    • amina

      I think if there is sparseness you don’t rate. Rick Ross > James Franco.

    • Lea Thrace

      Your beard game is straight! :-D

      • Arya Snark

        Exactly. He need not worry.

  • If there were a way to make fake beards look more natural I might be on board, but until then, count me out. I love a man with a lovely lush face of hair. I like playing in them more than anything. Husbae gotta have the facial hair game on lock.

  • Rachmo

    Did that gentleman in the upper right corner draw a beard on with a Sharpie?

    • CrayolaGirl

      And where is he going with this “look”?
      I want to know so I won’t be there….starting problems because I’m staring & mouthing “WTF?”.

      • Rachmo

        LOL right! I know I stared at it for a solid five minutes before I commented.

    • AlwaysCC

      see – now you’re just being ridiculous. he obviously used oil pastels for the shine.

  • Vanity in Peril

    A lace-front beard is a cry for help and should be treated as such. A faux beard (which I will refer to as a fauzy/fozzy— I haven’t decided which one to trademark yet) defies all logic. All that is good. Was good, will be good. It’s why we can’t have nice things. it’s why we don’t even want ’em. Fozzy’s killed Ricky, J.R. Mr. Burns and black love.

    • Andrea

      I think that is just lazy thinking without knowing the individual, the background, the experience, or the motivation. I could post a picture of lace front eyebrows. Or something else that “defies logic”. But if I don’t put it in the context of a person struggling from coming out of chemo. It looks ‘crazy’. But It is just a picture. Not the story.

      • Vanity in Peril

        If you feel the need to lace-front your eyebrows (or your beard) you have told me everything I need to know about you as a human being and I will be taking a pass. lol

        • Andrea

          I guess you won’t approve of my nipple tattoos?

          • Vanity in Peril

            Mine are pierced so who is I to judge… oh except for that moment when I was judging. I think we have to have a line in the sand here and for me it’s faux beards.

          • LadyIbaka

            Girl I approve of them tats, piercings if any, but good gawd-lace front doe?! Isn’t there any other alternative?

            • Andrea

              I gotta look for some ill (meaning dope) pics of eyebrows that have been well done.

          • Paradigm

            Yeah that is kinda deep because folks not considering chemo, nipple tattoos *slams on brakes* wait how did we get here???

            http://www.john.do/wp-content/uploads/2013/12/wait-what.gif

        • LadyIbaka

          You have me kilt me dead!!

        • Rachmo

          I am just reading this and I howled in my office.

      • CamCamtheGreat

        Even coming out of chemo, you. look. CRAZY!

    • That last sentence is golden. What next? Are fozzies going to start recruiting young men for ISIS?

    • miss t-lee

      “fauzy” just made me scream laugh!! I love it.

  • I’d get a fake beard if it looked realistic. No shame.

    • Epsilonicus

      I was thinking the same thing.

      • Paradigm

        But why tho… Cut it out Eps

        • Epsilonicus

          Because I want a beard. Thats all.

          • Paradigm

            I’m not mad if you ever go that route but it just seems like if its something you never had how can you miss it.. Put it on ya’ Xmas list I guess

        • LadyIbaka

          LMAO! yap

    • LadyIbaka

      stoooooooop it.

More Like This