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the pick-up artists

the worst: “hey, i’m bored…do you mind if i flirt with you?”

this one completely backfired. i thought it would induce laughter, but i expected a slight “this guy is different, i wonder what he’s about” chuckle instead of the loud guffaw causing her to choke on her ice while sprinting to her girls and repeating the line, with “this n*gga” substituted for my name “listen to what this n*gga just said to me…” .

moral of the story: md 20/20 is the devil

the most intimidatingly aggressive: “i’m trying to f*ck d&g tonight”

***short backstory: i was in cincinnati with my cousin for his college graduation. we went to some super packed, super hood club, and it happened to be “no panties” night, which expectedly brought out all of the ohio river freaks (seriously. “no panties night”. read that again. every woman with no panties on got in for free. i’m not making any of this up. i love cincinnati, btw). one of the aforementioned panty-less freaks apparently noticed that i was wearing a d&g t-shirt, and approached me, grabbed my hand to put it somewhere to let me know that she, ummm, got in free that night, and said “i’m trying to f*ck d&g tonight” loud as hell. moral of the story: i should have worn a different shirt***

the best pick-up method i’ve ever used:

girl in library
studies intensely while guy
thinks about approach

while in the library one saturday afternoon, i wrote this extremely awkward haiku on an index card (with my name and number on the back), and gave it to an apathetically fine girl i saw studying with one of those intense, “if you come within 24 inches of me, i’ll bite your fingers off” faces. i walked up to her, introduced myself, gave it to her, and bounced. she called a day later, and eventually became my first (and hopefully only) ex-fiancee

i could continue, but i’m curious: vsb.com, what are the most notable “pick-up” experiences you’ve had? the best method you’ve used? the worst line you’ve heard? any and everything that sticks out in your mind favorably or regrettably in regards to approaching or being approached is fair game.

—the champ

Filed Under:
Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • http://www.dukesupbaby.blogspot.com Vitamin Be

    Worst: “Hey girl… you sholl is thicker than frozen peanut butter” lol I laughed at him and got on the red line.

    Best: It may sound a little creepy, but I met a guy on the red line. (I know, me and trains) We struck up a conversation and he asked where I worked. He showed up at my job, with a rose ( I worked in Macy’s–No where hide) and asked me to lunch. It was one of the best relationships I had. It sucked he was only interning here for summer.

    • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

      @Vitamin Be, that WAS some spooky stuff. I don’t like when strangers just SHOW up.

    • panamajackson

      Yeah, you’re extra understanding of cats just showing up.

      Hell, I ain’t even told my momma where I work.

      • http://www.dukesupbaby.blogspot.com Vitamin Be

        LOL… The rose was his ‘peace offering’ , it was kinda sweet and I definitely gave him, the psycho once over. You guys need to be a little more trusting.

        • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

          @Vitamin Be. The rose was a distration. Why did he need a peace offering? Exactly. You are going to end up on the 6 o’clock news being so “trusting”. Watch you back. js

          • http://www.dukesupbaby.blogspot.com Vitamin Be

            I feel you Elenda…you can never be too sure he could have ‘caraaazy, deraaaaanged’ lol.

            • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

              @Vigtamin. … a lunatic!

  • Miss Patterson

    I was in the Burgh walking downtown when a guy approached me and said “Hey are you registered to vote?” I responded “yes, but I don’t live here.” To which he responded so “are you moving back? I mean do you need an escort?” “Naw, I grew up here I think I know my way around…” As I began to walk away he continued to walk with me and say “cuz i might be tryin’ to show you a different kind of visual, and you know chocolate is my favorite flavor”. I laughed, walked briskly away and hopped on the first 61A going outbound.

    To date the only time I’ve used a pick-up line on a guy(s) was during Freaknic ’95 …it was a numbers game challenge I played with my boyfriend at the time. Bad idea, because I won and he was pissssssssed. And another week of penis punishment was sentenced upon me. gheesh!

    • panamajackson

      Any time a man actually agrees to playing a competetive game along the lines of shit like “the numbers game” with you women, respectfully decline and stroke his ego.

      an argument is destined to come your way once you win. plus, it’s just not a fair game.

      chicks=tits. what man is ACTUALLY gonna say no ? unless of course you look like a telephone.

      • Miss Patterson

        yeh…now i know how guys feel when we drop a loaded question like “do i look as good as [enter model’s name] in this bathing suit?”…in the future i will respectively decline to play the game.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “cuz i might be tryin’ to show you a different kind of visual”

      this would be a great line to use on a blind chick

      • panamajackson

        True indeed.

  • F_T_Enchantress

    Worst: “Wanna F*ck?
    Best: “You are absolutely beautiful” then he walked away.

    • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

      @F_T_Enchantress
      Someone stole my line???? My friend and I would use “Wanna Fuck” at the end of the night in college. That was our “no beating around the bush” way of getting instant ass. I still love it. Don’t let me hit the market again, it would SO be on. LOL

      • Miss Patterson

        for real? i thought that only worked for “Rollergirl” in Boogie Nights- lol! then again i could see no hesitation on the part of the guy if a woman actually did you use that line.

    • panamajackson

      Best: “You are absolutely beautiful” then he walked away.

      It’s amazing how often this works. Nothing piques a chicks interest more than a man who just walks away after offering a complement. Hell, that’d be my first suggestion to any man who’s trying to meet some chick.

      It’s a hell of a first impression and she’ll remember it and remember you — unless you look like a telephone.

      Plus, it’s romantic on some “the notebook” type shit and chicks not only love the smiley face, they love “the notebook”. Gives them the idea that true love might be on the horizon. It makes hittin’ the skinz easier.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “Best: “You are absolutely beautiful” then he walked away.

        It’s amazing how often this works. Nothing piques a chicks interest more than a man who just walks away after offering a complement. Hell, that’d be my first suggestion to any man who’s trying to meet some chick.”

        yeah, the “bait and bounce” is always a good move, but you hafta be sure that you’ll actually see that chick again

        • F_T_Enchantress

          Yea I never saw him again. Then again I didn’t really care.

          • http://jdakar.com J. Dakar

            Hey, you aren’t in Alabama, are you?

        • bklynbadass

          I saw a beautiful man walking at Jazzmobile, circa 1990, NYC. Jazzmobile is a summer outdoor jazz, food and vendor-fest. My friends and I would go up there afterwork dressed to the nine’s but looking like we put no effort into it STRICTLY to pick up guys. So I saw this guy and walked over to him and said ” Excuse me, I don’t mean to interrupt, but I had to tell you that you are beautiful and great for breeding, I might add!” we laughed and I walked away. 15 minutes later he came over to me,sans friends, introduced himself and we were together for the next 3 years!

      • http://lizburr.com Liz

        I think the bait and bounce is rather lame. Just don’t say anything, keep it moving. Telling me I am beautiful will leave me thinking, “okay, and???” Not to be stank, but that’s really what would cross my mind.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          “I think the bait and bounce is rather lame. ”

          this makes me sad

        • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

          @Liz. The bait and bounce wouldn’t work with me either. I’d think the guy who walked off was not interested or lame.

          • http://www.dukesupbaby.blogspot.com Vitamin Be

            Or gay.

          • willnotbetelevised

            Nah, I like anyone who gives me a compliment and doesn’t expect anything more. I guess I get caught but its a nice way to get caught. I would be nicer to you but I would think you weren’t interested. Saying you’re beautiful and then walking aways is like saying I like your shoes, or I like your hair and then walking away. I just assume you like whatever I was doing that day, but not enough to holla. You’d make me feel good that day, and I’d like you better but I’d think of you like a chic who says the same thing.

          • http://www.5andapossible.blogspot.com Rum Punch

            I concur! Rum Punch thinks back to a guy who said it her, “you’re really beautiful.I just wanted to tell you that.” And walked away. I was like “um thanks.” And kept on drinking my rum and coke. I mean it was intriguing, but I was too lazy to meet him halfway…I mean what am I supposed to do with that line?

            • http://thebeautifulstruggler.com Sister Toldja

              This happens to me a lot. Why do men feel the need to tell me I am beautiful and leave? Why? I need answers. Granted, if I were THAT interested in more, I’d stop the guy (maybe…). But I am confused as to why men do this.

  • http://www.myspace.com/regalmuse Muse

    “Your titties will make fantastic pillows tonight.”

    “Wassup T&A can I holla?”

    Neither one of those guys received by number.

    Now there have been some corny pick up lines that I thought were kinda cute like…

    “Wow your smile made my day”

    “If you were a new sandwich at Mcdonalds, you’de be called McGorgeous” (Yep someone actually said this to me)

    If I followed you home, would you keep me? LOL

    • panamajackson

      “Your titties will make fantastic pillows tonight.”

      I actually really like that line. It’s the ultimate,’ I have nothing to lose, let’s see where this goes’ line.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “If you were a new sandwich at Mcdonalds, you’de be called McGorgeous” (Yep someone actually said this to me)”

      did he say this with a straight face?

      • Nut

        “If you were a new sandwich at Mcdonalds, you’de be called McGorgeous” (Yep someone actually said this to me)”

        Ok, I just read this line and it made me smile. It’s cute.

  • Miss Patterson

    one more…@ the AUC circa 96, I was approached by a man who claimed to be an alien. yes, an alien folks. He said he was from the planet sun ra and offered to buy me some Popeye’s chicken…to wish i replied ‘yes’. (look- I was 5’3″ and 100 lbs and had a diet that consisted mainly of stolen food from the Morehouse cafeteria and ramen noodes, don’t ask) Halfway through my 2nd chicken leg he said “If you let me enter your vessel, I’ll take you back to my planet”…I eventually made it back home safe & sound, tummy full, with my vessel UNchartered.

    • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

      @Miss Patterson. An alien? See I probably would have fell for the dumb sh*t because I would have asked what planet!!!! Man, some guys are just creative.

      • panamajackson

        So let me get this right…

        If a man tells you he’s an alien…you just might sleep with him?

        • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

          @panama… js… I might want to know what an alien’s PENTIS looks like. :P

          • http://www.myspace.com/donteacia Teacia

            You are on here showing out…back to your corner please!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      i’m mad the alien came that far just for some popeyes. if i were from a different planet, waffle house would probably be the first place i’d eat.

      then the zoo

      • http://www.myspace.com/donteacia Teacia

        you and this damn zoo…ur just strange i tell ya.

    • Nut

      Miss Patterson stop playin’!!!! I got the same line except he offered a date that consisted of ‘ride and smoke’ (ridin’ marta at that). At least you got some chicken, dang. I didn’t fall for the going to his planet thing though. This has to be the same brother. Did he wear alot of brass and carried a cane?

      • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

        @ Nut. “Did he wear alot of brass and carried a cane?” Are you for real?

        • Nut

          Not jokin at all @ Elenda. It wasn’t brass my bad it was copper. But yes, I can’t remember the dude’s name but he would tell you he was an alien. He wore alot of copper jewelry and pieces of copper in his hair and carried a stick with copper on it. He was a good lookin black man but crazy as all get out. Dr York. He had black people doin some crazy stuff. At one point they were wearing cowboy boots and hats. All true, ya can’t make something this good up.

          • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

            @Nut. LMAO.

          • Miss Patterson

            this might just me the same ‘alien’.

            • Nut

              I think so @Miss Patterson; I think it was the same alien. He was soo good looking; beautiful eyes. I’m almost embarrassed to say that I talked to him for hours and I gave him my number. He never got the goods but he tried. Oh boy did he try. I met his girlfriend/wife a couple of months later. She was so pretty and nice. She said she thought that he was crazy too.

  • http://kamakula.wordpress.com kamakula

    I’m getting tired of hearing “oh. . . you’re so young”.

    Of course, the irony is that when i’m no longer “young”, if I happen to be in the same place, the ones I’ll be hitting on will be saying “oh . . . you’re so old”.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “I’m getting tired of hearing “oh. . . you’re so young”.”

      exactly why i told you to leave the bingo games alone

  • http://www.sheliagoss.com/blog Shelia

    Worst: Do fries come with that shake?
    You must be tired because you’ve been running through my mind all night.
    Can I get close to those double delights? (well that guy actually ended up getting my number and we were together for about 2 years).

    Favorite or most memorable experience: My ex-fiance simply asked me for a dance on New Year’s Eve which was the night we first met. We danced into the new year.

    • panamajackson

      “Favorite or most memorable experience: My ex-fiance simply asked me for a dance on New Year’s Eve which was the night we first met. We danced into the new year.”

      Chicks like romance.

      • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

        @panama— correction: Chicks LOVE romance.

    • Miss Patterson

      The dance thing is romantic but only if he’s fine and it’s slow music. I don’t know why this is but seems like most guys that are aggressively seeking to dance to fast songs look like horny tarantulas.

      • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

        @Patterson. You know they want to just stand there and watch you vibrate. They are not going to pick a slow song. (smh)

        • Nut

          So true @ Elenda ya know brothas like to see the goodies shake. But vibrate? damn sistah what do you have in your pockets?

          • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

            @Nut. Please stop showing out. You know club pants and dress do NOT have pockets. I’m talking about your body vibrating. LOL. You are too funny.

  • malael

    by far the worst that ive heard was….so do you have a myspace page?
    me and my boys were at h20 in dc and one of them said this to a jawn in earshot of me. i will clown him for this shit for the rest of his life.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      “by far the worst that ive heard was….so do you have a myspace page?”

      i guess thats better than, “do you have any vids on rude.com?”

    • http://lizburr.com Liz

      I suppose this is better than just asking for my e-mail address?

    • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

      @malael. I ask people all the time if they have a myspace. HA HA HA

      • http://twitter.com/malael malael

        lol….yeah but im sure that its not used as a conversation starter.

        • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

          @malael. True, true, true!

  • http://www.myspace.com/donteacia Teacia

    Ok, so the worst is officially: “Excuse me for staring but I was trying to figure out if you taste like sugar, smell like water.” LOL…damn Plies, niggas down south I tell ya.

    The most recent: while in the grocery store I was stopped and asked a favor, which I thought he was going to ask me to help him buy his groceries and I was not in the mood. Instead he said, “Excuse miss but could you do me a favor, when you go home tonight tell your man just how lucky I think he is. I know he smiles every morning just knowing that he has you in his life.” My response: you’d be surprised…thanked him and walked away

    The best of all time: “Hey miss lady, it would be my honor for you to follow me over to the gas station and let me fill up your tank.” And I was a step away from E…I did and he did, and he used PREMIUM(ol showboating ass, lol)…our courtship is currently going well…he’s a man’s man, and that’s not easy to come by these days.

    • http://starkept.blogspot.com Suga&Spice

      ‘He’s a man’s man’

      I so love these. Keep your pretty boys. Give me a man’s man who loves to read anyday.

      • panamajackson

        “Keep your pretty boys. Give me a man’s man who loves to read anyday.”

        This is actually something I plan on writing about…the pretty boy phenomenon, though I’m gonna add a twist. Much like adding a lime to a coconut.

        • http://www.myspace.com/donteacia Teacia

          Yeah they’ve been played out since college circa de 1997’…I like em big, black and durty…lol…naw I’m lying but pretty is overplayed and overrated.

      • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

        @Suga&Spice. FOH pretty boys NEVER go out of style. You people kill me! Pretty boys, light skin and skinny girls are never going out of style. SMH at the fact that ya’ll are in denial.

        • http://www.myspace.com/donteacia Teacia

          I wonder if you fall under one of those categories…..hmmm…trying to keep your stock from dropping I see…lol.

          • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

            @Teacia. Chile Bye! You know my stock is not dropping anytime soon. I ain’t in none of those categories! (tongue sticking out) I see what you are implying though, but I am LIGHT BROWN heffa!

      • Nut

        Yes ma’am!!!! A man’s man!!!! @Teacia. That is what get’s me everytime.

        The best line. Came to my job 10 min before it was time for me to go home…..”I knew there was a beautiful woman in need of an escort home so I just wanted to volunteer.” And it came with dinner no pressure. Beautiful. We’re married needless to say.

        The worst was the ride and smoke invite. “I wanna go out but I don’t have no money. We can ride and smoke though.”

        • Miss Patterson

          “And it came with dinner no pressure. Beautiful. We’re married needless to say.” —That just made me weep, how beautiful is that? Congrats.

        • http://www.myspace.com/circa1908 Ana B

          ”I knew there was a beautiful woman in need of an escort home so I just wanted to volunteer.” **applying tissue to eyes… that is just beautiful.

    • http://www.myspace.com/circa1908 Ana B

      DAMN! He bought you gas? and premium at that, thats akin to a diamond ring these days. He’s a keeper! LOL

      • panamajackson

        That is true…you better marry his ass.

        • http://www.myspace.com/donteacia Teacia

          Lol…sorry I can’t, he’s already married…separated but married nonetheless. I know, I know…long story…I’m still waiting for that ink to dry.

      • http://www.myspace.com/donteacia Teacia

        I know right, and I don’t even put premium in my own shit!

    • http://lizburr.com Liz

      Grocery store dude sounds real corny. I mean I suppose it was a nice gesture, but those types of lines are getting played out. Maybe I am just a cynic though lol.

      • http://www.myspace.com/donteacia Teacia

        Everything about him was corny, but it was a sweet gesture and I took it to heart.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “I am just a cynic though lol.”

        …..

  • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

    The simple approach usually works for me:

    Make eye-contact, give pleasant (non-spooky) smile,approach, and introduce myself. After a little small talk, I’ll throw a non-physical comment in (ex. “Seems like you got a good head on your shoulders” or compliment her fashion sense) and politely ask to use her phone. I’ll lock my number in and tell her to give me a call. Simple.

    One of my homeboys who’s a little overweight used to always say in a smooth voice, “You like fatboys?” 9 times out of 10, the girl would alsways giggle, look at him, and say, “You’re not fat.” It was amazing how much this would work for him.

    • miss t-lee

      I like chunky dudes. This would have worked on me. :)

      • KindredSmile

        Same here. I smiled when reading that line – can you tell I’m in the middle of a drought? :-)

        • miss t-lee

          I feel your pain. :)

          • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

            @miss t-lee. I hope to never understand or feel the pain of a drought.

            • miss t-lee

              It’s truly self-imposed. Which is making it much worse.

    • panamajackson

      You know, the whole “looks like you’ve got a good head on your shoulders” can TOTALLY backfire too.

      Though it helps if you don’t grab your shit while you say it.

      • http://www.myspace.com/donteacia Teacia

        I was thinking the same damn thing…that’s a risky one right thur.

    • http://www.myspace.com/datfya BigBuck

      I use the “You like fatboys?” line all the time! And I get the same response. I love it!

    • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

      “I agree. I love think men. It is something about a man that carries his weight well.

      • http://www.myspace.com/datfya BigBuck

        I think every woman loves a teddy bear! We give the best hugs, keep you warm at night, and protect you. You never seen a woman with a big dude looking nervous. Also, women with big guys are less likely to cheat. When guys try to get their number, they find it amusing and think to themselves what their bear at home could do to the fool that is in her face.

        • miss t-lee

          Sho’ you right.
          I miss my teddy bear.

        • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

          @big buck. I totally agree. Big men = warrior and protection.

    • http://lizburr.com Liz

      I’m not even sure i’d let some dude use my phone. One I was out with recently wanted to take notes on my phone and I hesitated big time LOL. Then again, I have attachment issues with it comes to my electronics.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        “I’m not even sure i’d let some dude use my phone”

        i let a woman use my phone once, and when she returned it, it was covered in sweated off mascera. this wasnt a good day

        • Miss Patterson

          that’s nasty.

      • http://www.myspace.com/circa1908 Ana B

        “I have attachment issues with (when) it comes to my electronics” another tshirt (double entendre written all over it)

        • miss t-lee

          No one touches my electronics but me. :)

      • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

        @Liz. I am with you. I wish someone would ask to see my phone **rolling my eyes hard**

      • http://myspace.com/thomasforbes Monk

        It’s all in how you propose the question.

        • http://www.myspace.com/Elendak Elenda

          No, seriously, nobody gets to use my phone. Not even my homies. Get your own fool! :-)

    • Precious Rubenstein

      “You like fatboys?” <— this made me laugh out loud. It’s cute, but it makes me think of the actual Fatboys, complete with big bellies hanging out of tshirts…yucky.