Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Featured, Theory & Essay

The Perils of Chasin’ That Old Thang: Why Exes Need To Stay Exes

We all maintain at least one “friend” who’s less a “friend” and more someone you used to fuck and still contact in hopes that one day you’ll be able to smash again. Since hey, that was all that really worked between you two. You have a mutual understanding better known as “wantin’ that old thang back.”

This is a tale of why you should leave that old thang right the hell where it was.

Recently an old thang called me. She’s selling dream vacations out West now (GWURL). She recruited another salesperson in Atlanta and needed a place to stay while she trained the newbie in the art of peddling bullshit to fools. On background, we kicked it in 2008 until I got tired of her saying sideways things like “You irk my nerves!” There’s language I just don’t tolerate from a so-called boo. I cancelled her ass and cut all ties.

Lesson note: In Lesbian World, not speaking to your ex, even years after the fact, is a form of shade that’s deeper than rap. It’s like reneging in spades.

Fast-forward to 2015. She got in touch a while back and so began a text relationship premised on the unspoken notion that the P will be sampled again one day, when circumstances allow.

Her trip and a my newly single status presented the right circumstances. I agreed to let her stay at the crib from Tuesday to Sunday (!) and began preparing myself with advanced yoga poses. I happened to mention the sitch to my West Indian homey who immediately had the gas face. Her take: Six days is a long time with someone you DO like, let alone someone you don’t. And sex with some long distance chick who has a live-in estranged and bisexual girlfriend would only end badly. Damn West Indians always being real!

I called Old Thang back and told her it was a nawl, though we could hang out when she got here. She acted like I’d shut the entire trip down, because you know, hotels aren’t a thing. Oh well. I choose ME.

A few days later, she texts me:

Her: Hey I’m here!

Me: Oh you came after all. Did you just get here?

Her: NO, I’ve BEEN here as you know very well (Insert My Govt Name)

At this point I should say that I once threw my own shoe at a rude ass “Can I Holla” nigga while in the PMS Zone. He threw it back. And I threw it back. Because you do shit like that in the PMS Zone.

I’m currently in the PMS Zone.

Hence, the tone of that text just didn’t work for me. I commenced to verbally O-Ren Ishii her ass, notifying her that you will NOT ask me to post up in the bando for six (!) effin days like that’s normal (NIGGAAAA!), you will not text me when you’re still clearly in your feelings and you will NEVER again call me by my full name all stern like you birthed me, whore. EVER.

Now remember, I ate her disrespect for a long while before I chopped her in 2008, so this had built up. It was a classic not today bitch moment!

There was some back and forth (“Clearly you have some old energy!”) and it ended with me blocking her number before I ended up coming to wherever she was posted and chasing her with an iron (that’s some ol’ 2001 shit…I’ve grown!)

And that’s how you go from candle lights and Isley Brothers  to “Ya know what, ho…” real quick.

What was the lesson here? If you don’t like a bitch, don’t like her pussy neither. Because you can’t separate the two: Even if you can enjoy one, the other is gonna show up and it ain’t gonna be lovely.

You can apply this to dack as well.

Had she come to my house with that fuckery I inevitably woulda had to tell her to pack up her dream vacations and call Tyrone FORTHWITH. That’s if bows didn’t get thrown first – and I ain’t going back to jail.

Chasing old P burned me in 2011 too. Me and an ex agreed on a humpcation. She paid my airfare and swore up and down she was totally single. Then the day before I fly out, she mysteriously flakes. A few months later, she’s on Facebook LEGALLY MARRIED to some broad. Chile. Good. Day.

As for me, well I’ve learned my lesson: Leave trash in the trash bin. You put it there for a reason.

Dhiraj Naseen

Dhiraj Naseen aka The Hostile Negress is a renowned ratchetologist and celebrated advocate of foolishment. An aspiring spinster, her hobbies include judging, not minding her business and yoga. Her spirit animal is an octopus, because she says so.

  • Sahel

    Recycling leads to a better world at times,just saying lol.

    • Hostile Negress

      Lol you gone learn, trust me lol

    • Tristan

      Good secks is a terrible thing to waste

      • Sahel

        Especially if she was cool with bringing along a helping hand

        • Tristan

          Levels.

      • Good secks is also hard to come by, contrary to popular belief.

        • HeyBooHey

          *shakes tambourine and waves church fan* Please, speak this word!

          • Sigma_Since 93

            @disqus_eYn5UuFr06:disqus

            STEP YO GAME UP HOMIE! #noweakpeen

            • HeyBooHey

              Seriously. Stop it Sig

        • LehcarB

          Elusive indeed

        • DG

          There’s an obvious pun with all kinds of sexual innuendo all up and through this statement, but I’m gonna chill and let it slide…

          • Lea Thrace

            You aint alone. I saw it to but kept my obviously dirty mind to myself. lol

          • Boo Radley

            Yeah, but hard secks is good to come by! Badum CHING!

            There, I took one for the team and said it for everyone. If I hadn’t I’d have just sat here giggling naughtily to myself for the next 20 minutes.

            I am 12.

        • Sigma_Since 93

          I’ll take o.k. secks and my life not being in jeopardy forever Alex!

        • Sahel

          Top marks on the hidden easter eggs in this sentence

      • I agree bro, but life has taught me that the amazing secks is monopolized by people who are flat out cr–…”passionate” in life. “Passionate” people problems don’t just dry up like love stains in the sheets. Them thangs is soaking through to the mattress. They gotta be scrubbed out and it’s the type of scrubbing that makes you not wanna do it again.
        Who wants to scrub a mattress everytime they have messy secks?

  • Missus Maxwell

    Yup. Leave ’em where ya left ’em. I let an ex come back cuz dack, and while I love the child that came from that, I don’t like the deadbeat daddy at all. Leave ’em where ya left ’em.

  • keepinITreal

    from candle lights and Isley Brothers to “Ya know what, ho…” real quick….. I used to be that girl that could take any man there [just cray cray]. Thank God I grew up, but not everyone matures … I just think that foolishness should have a cutoff age [says the diagnosed psychopath] …. thanks for this … made me own some old issues

    • Sahel

      I salute the past you and humbly wish you would bring her back

      • keepinITreal

        I don’t think my husband would agree to that – He never met her

    • PunchDrunkLove

      “I just think that foolishness should have a cutoff age”

      Right! There should be an automatic button or something. I HOPE TODD IS READING THIS.

  • Betty

    Too much slang and not enough complete thoughts per sentence made this a hard read.

    • Sahel

      That’s what she said

    • Tristan
    • MzzPeaches

      You must be new around these parts, cause it flowed like watah fuh me.

      • Hostile Negress

        There’s a level of ignorance that has to be attained before VSB articles flow. She may not yet be at the fully ignant stage also known as the “I don’t give a FUCK” stage.

        It took me a while to get there. But life will get you there! lmao

      • Wes Baker

        Tell them!

  • Ger Wil

    LOL! i actually learned this policy from my stepmother (of all people) and in a grocery store (of all places).

    We are just about to round aisle 9 to pick up napkins or paper towels or something. I realize that we forgot to even go up aisle 5 for my cereal (GOT TO HAVE MY POPS). She promptly gave me the look of “tough ta-tas, theresa” also known as the “kanye shrug.” She proceeded to semi-lecture me. She named her speech “No Back-tracking.” She told me that if I really wanted/needed it, I wouldnt have walked past it in the first place. Basically once you already at aisle 9, all the dreams of aisle 5 got to die. If youre focused on that you’ll miss all the greatness that aisle 9 has to offer (cottonelle was BOGO this day).

    That lesson has obviously stuck with me through this day. Even if i do sometimes ignore it.

    But, really, the reason we leave someone a first time is most likely going to be the same reason we leave them a second time. “Leave trash in the trash bin. You put it there for a reason.”

    • uniquebeauty79

      Step mama came with the real!

    • PunchDrunkLove

      Good job, stepmom. I had an old manager that said he never rehire folks. You know how you see folks coming back to the company? That was a no can do for him. He said their reason for leaving the second time will be what it was the first time….eventually.

    • Question

      You must been super distracted that day. What child person misses the cereal aisle?? That is the sole ray of sunshine in being dragged on the grocery shopping trip…

  • Does the same count for old FWBs?? Because, technically, ain’t they exes of some sort even if the relationship was solely about chex? Inquiring minds would like to know.

    • just go have chex with your donkey d*cked friend.

      • Tristan

        Pause.

        • No… That’s more like *record scratch*

      • Sahel

        Damn.

      • Aly

        Whoa.

        • I didn’t mean it like a pejorative. She posted the photo on her tumblr. it was gigantic.

          • Sahel

            Lmao…Val and Todd are luminaries in tumblr nudes. The new member is A.P

            • I don’t post nude pictures anywhere though

              • Kema

                So what is the name of this tmblr? I’m asking for a friend.

                • Sigma_Since 93

                  You will need one of those new color changing STD condoms and a steel brush to cleanse the dirt off you after viewing Val and Todd (especially Todd’s) tumblr page.

                  • Don’t slander Val

                    • Sigma_Since 93

                      That’s my wingwoman but I can’t help feeling like I cheated on Mrs. SS93 when I look at her page.

          • uniquebeauty79

            Lol!!!!!!!!!!!!

          • MzzPeaches

            See that’s why I’m scared to join

            • Because of p*nis?????

      • Hmmm… There’s a story to tell there.

        • The story is she posted a picture. That’s pretty much it.

          • You don’t get tight over chicks posting eggplant pics unless there’s a history there dude. Start talking.

            • I thought my phrasing was was funny and imaginative.

      • Nick Peters

        so I go to mediation and this doesn”t?

        • Sahel

          Disqus can be a weird fucker at times mate

          • MzzPeaches

            I think Disqus got it out for me. Even with my edited language they keep sending me to moderation.

      • Rude.

        • RewindingtonMaximus

          Only if he’s lying about the donkey D

          • I’ve been blessed to have been blessed by exes who’ve been blessed *shrug*

            • RewindingtonMaximus

              Waaaaaaaaay up/straight up straight up

      • h.h.h.
    • miss t-lee

      No, they’re not exes.

  • never had any friends with benefits and my only ex’s are now best friends who are extremely supportive of one another.

    • HeyBooHey

      FWBs are overrated unless there’s a mutual understanding/schedule in place

      • miss t-lee

        Overrated?
        I can’t agree on this one…lol

        • HeyBooHey

          Lol! For me, if there’s no understanding of the rules then it’s too much work. If we’re just FWBs, I understand it’s tha sects and we don’t need no blurred lines. Guys have gotten confused when I’ve asked why they’re getting back into bed once the latex is discarded.

          • miss t-lee

            Well, sounds as if he got things misconstrued…lol

            • HeyBooHey

              Exactly, he forgot what it was and I came off looking like a bish for reminding him!

              • Sigma_Since 93

                That’s why they are problematic; everyone THINKS they can handle their role until someone gets it put on them and they start catching feelings.

                • HeyBooHey

                  My point exactly. That’s why I say it can be overrated. In theory it’s cool. I’ve had one that worked out til it just faded to black. But once feelings or misunderstandings of how it works come in, ish gets real

              • miss t-lee

                no you didn’t. He needed the reminder.

      • Bushido Brown

        I just got out of a FWB situation and that ish is complicated.

        • HeyBooHey

          It can be if both people aren’t on the same page. If you can stick to the point of it, it’s a cool extra-curricular situation

          • Bushido Brown

            I think that what the problem was . She could entertain other people but I wasn’t allow to or she would feel some kind of way.

            • HeyBooHey

              Yea. No lol. Dem ain’t the rules. You set it up so it’s either exclusive to just you two or you’re free to do whatever and decide if that will be disclosed or not. You can’t be one-sided or it’s not a FWB situation. Either she was too scared to get close and kept you at a distance or you were basically her on-call peen kept in a glass, possibly her #D2B lol

              • Bushido Brown

                So basically I should Christian Grey her a** and hit her with the contract lol

                • HeyBooHey

                  LOL! Honestly?? Considering the fact that she’s being selfish with what goes, she’d have used that as her way to see you to the door. OR she’d flip it on you and run the “why are you trying to label this?” route. Your reaction would be based on how much you enjoy her “love below” lol

    • Boo Radley

      Joc, is that you?

  • Tristan

    I know I’m too petty to date exes, we might talk again but your ceiling with me is going to get lower each time. No promotions or rehirings round here….

    Also, at least you got a free trip… I hope

  • uniquebeauty79

    I want to meet the person that did the rewind dance and is still happily with that person. Now if you broke up over some petty ish, talking about “he didn’t notice my hair cut” I don’t want to hear it. I mean he or you really PHUCKED UP, and gave it another run a few months later…I have no, nada, cero experiences of goodness going back to an ex….

    • Hostile Negress

      But sometimes the smashation is good! If only you two can just like, not talk…

      • uniquebeauty79

        ONLY lol, but you know Negros gotta go mess something up lol

      • TeeChantel

        Oooh, but that smashation will have you sticking around longer than you need to be….
        like….months, years longer…..

        • Hostile Negress

          Giiiiiirl let me not even respond to that. Imma just do that “Grandmama knows” nod lololol

    • HeyBooHey

      I know exactly ONE person, one of my closest friends, and it’s the only time a happy ending has ever been seen or heard. Was with her boyfriend on/off for over 10 years, breaks lasting as short as 2 weeks and as long as 5 months. They moved in together in Brooklyn 5 years ago, but half her family (Indian) didn’t even know she had a boo (he’s Black). She told her dad two years into living with her bf and her dad disowned her. She almost left her boo because he wouldn’t speak up to her family, packed her stuff and all. Fast forward to July 2014, they got engaged. She got married this past May, her dad gave her away, danced with them both and publicly apologized to her husband and said he’s a good man who deserved his daughter.

      • uniquebeauty79

        Awwwww, that is such a sweet story. Probably will be the only one you know from here on out, lol

        • HeyBooHey

          Never before, never again. I love my homegirl down to the ground, but we ALL said “look at God working His miracles!” when that engagement happened

          • uniquebeauty79

            I bet y’all did. True love baby, can’t nothing break or stop that but death…..and maybe a long stint in a max security (unless you are Remy-Ma’s 1st cousin)

            • HeyBooHey

              Nope! Ain’t no cell block hard enough, ain’t no bus ride long enough, ain’t no conjugal visit difficult enough to keep true love from a max security

      • Nick Peters

        he just got a good job?

        • HeyBooHey

          Were you trying to make a point??

          • Nick Peters

            a guess…

            • HeyBooHey

              You guessed incredibly wrong smh

  • Post divorce, some women have hinted that they want to try a ride on Space Mountain again. This friend was a long term f*ck buddy of mine who eventually just became a friend. Alas, when she hinted that she wanted to meet for drinks over Memorial Day weekend… In a hotel no less… I got the hint

    Anyway, verbal Intercourse eventually led to $exual Intercourse which led to post costal drank and conversation. After I got back home, she was distant, but I figured whatever. Perhaps things weren’t what they thought they were.

    Turns out she was pissed off I didn’t put my clothes on right after $ex, with her thinking that I was naked as a way to demand more $ex. Seriously. As if drinking beer and cracking jokes in the nude is a demand for $ex.

    Yeah… I got some issues. LOL

    • Aly

      You took your clothes off?

      • She asked, and reinforced said request with, um, sharing her knowledge. I can take hints. And besides, ever since that infamous comment storm, I’ve been making a point to take my clothes off.

        • Aly

          Todd I’m so proud of you! Gettin naked and whatnot. Good for you (and her)

          • Gee…. Thanks I think. LOL

        • Sigma_Since 93

          “I’ve been making a point to take my clothes off. ”

          What about your socks???? lol!!!

      • Lea Thrace
      • Lea Thrace
        • Aly

          Hahaha

        • Hey, she wasn’t the only happy customer that weekend. I’m doing something right.

      • RewindingtonMaximus

        Lmao

      • Kema

        Read that thinking the same thing. Lmao!

    • What type of jokes do you tell Todd?

      • It was laughing at stuff on TV and joking about the past. Nothing too off the wall. Remember, I was married for a bit, so we’ve known each other for a while.

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