***My latest at Madame Noire induced quite a few insults, admonishments, prayers, and even death threats. Naturally, I thought it would be a great idea to post it here today***
I’ve always been a fan of muscle cars, and after Dodge rolled out a redesigned version of the iconic Charger in 2011—and after a very influential midnight viewing of Fast Five—I decided to buy one.
In the two years since, I have no complaints. It took a little while to get used to it, but I’ve happily embraced the full doucheness of using all 350 of the horses in my engine to speed to Trader Joe’s. Perhaps no one in the entire city has more fun at traffic lights than I do.
Actually, I misspoke. I do have one minor complaint. I have to take it to the dealership to get tuned up quite often. The last time occurred a little over a month ago. I think I needed new shocks or something, I don’t even remember.
What I do remember, though, is that while I was in the garage, waiting for my car, I heard something that sounded like a full locomotive revving up 20 feet away from me. I turned around to find the source of that noise. Staring at me was a Dodge Viper. A $120,000, 700hp Dodge Viper. Damn.
One of the mechanics saw me admiring it, and asked if I wanted to test drive. It apparently was brand new, and was in the garage to get a couple tune ups before going on the dealer floor. As tempting as it was, I had to decline.
Now, you’re probably wondering why I’d start a piece about the pull-out method with three paragraphs worth of words about horsepower, engines, and a bunch of other shit I’m sure you’re not particularly interested in reading about. Stay with me, though. There is a method to my madness.
As the title suggests, I am a huge proponent of coitus interruptus—aka “the pull-out method.” When done properly, it has been scientifically proven to be just as effective as condoms in preventing pregnancy. (Seriously, look it up.) All of the stuff you learned in sex ed about how ineffective it is was, if not completely false, intentionally misleading. It is, for people who wish to have unprotected sex and not have to worry about pregnancy, literally the best of both worlds. And, while birth control pills, patches, and injections can have side effects (and can be quite expensive) pulling out is easy and free!
That said, I do understand why singing its praises in public remains taboo. It doesn’t prevent STD transmission. And, well, it leaves a bit too much up to chance. All a guy has to do is pull out a half second too late and, well, it’s splash time.
Also, I understand why teachers and parents tell young adults it doesn’t, because it’s not something you should even attempt to do unless you’re a grown up who…
1. Knows exactly what they’re doing in the sack
2. Is in a monogamous relationship
3. Has taken every test and every other safety precaution
…which brings us back to the car point.
A super powerful (and super expensive) car like a Viper is not supposed to be driven by an inexperienced driver. You need to have years of experience driving a stick and dealing with powerful cars before you even think about getting behind the wheel of something like that. And, while I do have experience with cars with big engines, I declined driving it because I’m not that comfortable driving a stick, and knew better than to take something like that on the road while relatively inexperienced.
So, would I recommend it to someone? Definitely! It’s a great freaking car. One of the best you can possibly buy. You’d be hard pressed to beat that driving experience.But…only if you know exactly what the f*ck you are doing.
—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)