The Perfection of The Pull Out Method

Proceed with caution

Proceed with caution. And by “proceed with caution” I mean “don’t even look at it if you don’t know what the hell you’re doing.”

***My latest at Madame Noire induced quite a few insults, admonishments, prayers, and even death threats. Naturally, I thought it would be a great idea to post it here today***

I’ve always been a fan of muscle cars, and after Dodge rolled out a redesigned version of the iconic Charger in 2011—and after a very influential midnight viewing of Fast Five—I decided to buy one.

In the two years since, I have no complaints. It took a little while to get used to it, but I’ve happily embraced the full doucheness of using all 350 of the horses in my engine to speed to Trader Joe’s. Perhaps no one in the entire city has more fun at traffic lights than I do.

Actually, I misspoke. I do have one minor complaint. I have to take it to the dealership to get tuned up quite often. The last time occurred a little over a month ago. I think I needed new shocks or something, I don’t even remember.

What I do remember, though, is that while I was in the garage, waiting for my car, I heard something that sounded like a full locomotive revving up 20 feet away from me. I turned around to find the source of that noise. Staring at me was a Dodge Viper. A $120,000, 700hp Dodge Viper. Damn.

One of the mechanics saw me admiring it, and asked if I wanted to test drive. It apparently was brand new, and was in the garage to get a couple tune ups before going on the dealer floor. As tempting as it was, I had to decline.

Now, you’re probably wondering why I’d start a piece about the pull-out method with three paragraphs worth of words about horsepower, engines, and a bunch of other shit I’m sure you’re not particularly interested in reading about. Stay with me, though. There is a method to my madness.

As the title suggests, I am a huge proponent of coitus interruptus—aka “the pull-out method.” When done properly, it has been scientifically proven to be just as effective as condoms in preventing pregnancy. (Seriously, look it up.) All of the stuff you learned in sex ed about how ineffective it is was, if not completely false, intentionally misleading. It is, for people who wish to have unprotected sex and not have to worry about pregnancy, literally the best of both worlds. And, while birth control pills, patches, and injections can have side effects (and can be quite expensive) pulling out is easy and free!

That said, I do understand why singing its praises in public remains taboo. It doesn’t prevent STD transmission. And, well, it leaves a bit too much up to chance. All a guy has to do is pull out a half second too late and, well, it’s splash time.

Also, I understand why teachers and parents tell young adults it doesn’t, because it’s not something you should even attempt to do unless you’re a grown up who…

1. Knows exactly what they’re doing in the sack
2. Is in a monogamous relationship
3. Has taken every test and every other safety precaution

…which brings us back to the car point.

A super powerful (and super expensive) car like a Viper is not supposed to be driven by an inexperienced driver. You need to have years of experience driving a stick and dealing with powerful cars before you even think about getting behind the wheel of something like that. And, while I do have experience with cars with big engines, I declined driving it because I’m not that comfortable driving a stick, and knew better than to take something like that on the road while relatively inexperienced.

So, would I recommend it to someone? Definitely! It’s a great freaking car. One of the best you can possibly buy. You’d be hard pressed to beat that driving experience.But…only if you know exactly what the f*ck you are doing.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

  • Sigma_Since 93

    “Knowing what your doing always makes it better” – What girls say about boys and chex.

    • nillalatte

      Not just know about what your doing, but actually learning about where and how a woman likes to be touched. Every woman is different, which is why we always singing “I’m different, yeah, I’m different.” :D

  • Maris

    Um….yay for monogamous relations?

    • Msdebbs

      Wait monogamous relations still exist???

      • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

        monogamousish

      • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com taut_7

        yes. very much so.

      • Tentpole

        Ms D not all mem lie and some really do want monogomy.

    • Rachmo

      Holler

    • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com taut_7

      *daps*

  • http://brown-c6h12o6.tumblr.com/ AfroPetite

    I have to admit, I foolishly put the future of my unfertilized ovum in the hands of various men without a care in the world. It’s actually scary now that I think about it. I had to trust that:

    1. Said partner knew when he would bust
    2. Said partner had the will power to remove himself from my yoni
    3. Said partner actually cared about not potentially becoming a parent

    I was young and dumb :-(

    • Sigma_Since 93

      We all were. Thank God for age and wisdom!

    • To’Mas Que Fuego

      “I was young and dumb :-(”

      But luckily NOT full of c*m :-)

      • Sigma_Since 93

        c*m that made it to the egg anyway!

        • To’Mas Que Fuego

          Trooooooo

      • http://brown-c6h12o6.tumblr.com/ AfroPetite

        I thank God every day that I am still childless despite my reckless antics.

      • Sahel

        Nicely put

    • Msdebbs

      Girl me too :/

    • Todd

      That #3 is real. Some dudes love to knock women up for whatever reason.

    • LMNOP

      My daughter’s father has tried to preach to me the virtues of the pull out method of birth control several times after she was born. I’m not sure if he’s kind of slow at this or just thinks I’m stupid, but I am happily using the “stay the f away from me” method of birth control with him and it’s working well.

      • Sahel

        The coldest method there is. “Takes off hat as bagpipes play in the background”

  • Anonymous

    Despite what the research says: pull out IS risky. You CAN get pregnant from pre-cum. (I have.) And I don’t give a good gotdurn who experienced you are, if I’m not trying to contract disease or get preggers, you will wear a condom.

    • Sahel

      I agree,living on the edge is just so wrong. The thrill of how tight it is,how moist and the accompanying soundtrack should not cloud judgement.. Because this is how the word baby mama joined the lexicon.

      • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

        with all due respect, living on the edge has its rewards. jumping (or, passive aggressively, falling off the cliff) is where the trouble begins ..

        • Sahel

          It is an easy fall my dear Esa. Especially if she is cat nip for men. The only thing living on the edge gives you is a high that comes from risking it all.

          • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

            nahh. thas not the only thing ~

            • Sahel

              Am listening,what else…..

              • http://missrosen.wordpress.com/ esa

                the people you meet ~ the things you learn, about yourself, about others, about the world and your place in it ~ there is a kind of Truth that exists when you live free, on your own terms, knowing what is true in your heart does not need to be that which other people believe ~*~

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

      you cant get pregnant by pre cum….someone was just quick on the draw and tried to save face

      • Kema

        You can if you were intimate within a certain time frame and still have little men in your stream.

        • http://TheNewEve.com/ Bunni

          liquor makes you lick her….vodka makes you rock her….rum makes you c–well, you get my point LOL

          • Sahel

            Too early for such,corner

      • Omar

        Technically a woman can get pregnant with pre cum, and no one she would meet really knows if their pre cum has sperm in it or not, so it’s a crap shoot.

        http://informahealthcare.com/doi/abs/10.3109/14647273.2010.520798

    • shesh1nes

      Yeah, I think its pretty silly to campaign for the pull out method. I also got my wonderful little surprise from that method. And after a year and half of being pull out assassins it happened. Like so lets not be irresponsible in saying “you just gotta know how to do it” because that’s not the issue. Because like the brotha said above even if your average is 300-1, that 1 time is the game changer. The 300 don’t matter.

  • To’Mas Que Fuego

    Playin Russian roulette with your involuntary muscles with life altering consequences at stake just to go skinny dipping in the pool of bliss? Yep. I can dig it. Just don’t miscalculate. Cause if you do it was your fault. I don’t recommend trying this while drunk though. Your reflexes are slower and sh*t…

    • Kema

      Forget about reflexes when drunk. Sometimes that liquor have you feeling very much in love and irrational. Oh… Just me?

      • http://TheNewEve.com/ Bunni

        liquor makes you lick her….vodka makes you rock her….rum makes you c–well, you get my point LOL

  • Tia_Sunny

    Just risky

  • To’Mas Que Fuego

    Since I’ve had a few tonight can we talk about how weird, f*cked up, and hilarious this Catfish epsiode was? “Obviously I’m not gay” “Well, it’s not so obvious.” lmao! What was up with that self-righteous piece of sh*t though? Who pulls stunts like that?

    • http://brown-c6h12o6.tumblr.com/ AfroPetite

      Why is everyone just now seeing this episode? I will agree that he was a few crayons short of a full set. The way he came off super aggressive as he stepped out of the car? Why you mad though?

      • Todd

        Exactly. You’re the one doing the motherf*cker to someone, and YOU are mad at HIM for going for it? That says a lot about him. I do think he was upset that his outlet for taking revenge on the world for being homeless is being taken away. Like somehow, someone random was supposed to step up and be his dad.

    • Msdebbs

      I think he’s gay & just fighting It but the other dude should have known better & if you getting catfished in 2013 with all this new technology you deserve it.

      • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

        ppl just wanna be in love with the lie which is why i dont get why they would go on the show to shatter it

    • http://brown-c6h12o6.tumblr.com/ AfroPetite

      When he said that “chocolate kiss” comment I immediately began to think he was in this faux-lationship to fulfill some Mandingo fetish….

    • Todd

      Dude is psycho, and needs some medication. While Artis was a bit of a lame (and not too swift either), homeboy needed some serious psychiatric work. Hospitalization is the answer bruh!

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

      yeah he was clearly gay, i think his girlfriend is as real as lennay kekua

      • Todd

        The closet is REAL! He sounds like someone who would ask a male friend for a blowjob….NOT BECAUSE HE’S GAY! HE’S NOT GAY!! He just needs a release, that’s all. Just a release. LOL

    • http://TheNewEve.com/ Bunni

      I LOVED seeing Nev get trill “no, you need to BACK UP man!!”

      • BMB

        hahaha When I saw this, I was like dag, I didn’t know Nev a thug side to him

        • http://TheNewEve.com/ Bunni

          Nev has it in him….and Im waiting for Max to snap and smack someone, you can see it in his eyes lol

          • BMB

            Man Listen……You can almost visibly can see Max boiling on the inside. He just needs to let it rip and relinquish his inner thug.

            • http://TheNewEve.com/ Bunni

              I wanna call them up to come see me….not cuz im being catfished, but cuz I wanna take em out for dinner and drinks, theyre prob a lot of fun to chill with lol

    • Deeds

      I thought he was an actor, just tryna get on tv.

  • Abu Husain

    I’m too afraid of what’s out there to just go raw like that. Plus I don’t want kids at this point in my life… I used this method when I was younger, but no more.

    Also, there’s that “point of no return” where my brain power goes from 100 to about 30, my primal nature just keeps telling me to spread my seed, and when I check in with my brain about this (only the stem is doing anything useful at this point, lol) it just tells me, “she can just get the pill, cuh.”

    One scare was enough to make me change my ways.

  • Msdebbs

    The pull out method is risky & dumb. We’ve all done it when we were young but now as adults you should be able to afford a $6 box of condoms.

    • To’Mas Que Fuego
    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

      more like 8….they bout to be charging 3 dollars a nut soon enough

      • Todd

        That’s why you get the box of 48 for $20 at Walmart…or do you lack faith in your pimp game? :)

        • Kema

          Yes! Walmart is thee place for condom purchases.

    • Kema

      Condoms can be purchased with your FSA even though advil cannot

  • nillalatte

    Okay, well it’s like this dawg, you get in that viper and you take that b*tch for a ride. You feeling the curves, the tires are gripping tight, the throttle starts to shake because the transmission is pushing 120mph (or bpm… lol) and the LAST d*mn thing you wanna do is back off. Nah, man, you wanna make that ride epic! You wanna burst through that finish line and feel that ecstasy. Job well done.

    Side Note: This is one of the unique pleasures of actually TRYING to get pregnant. You just don’t give a d*mn and can enjoy the ENTIRE experience from start to finish; and finishing what you start is always appreciated. ;)

    • Todd

      As someone who has been in that spot, I fully agree with that concept. Not having that worry about the condom breaking or someone forgetting to take their pill does take the edge off of things. :)