Do you all remember the dead prez song “Hip-Hop”? When that song dropped EVERYBODY who had even the slightest love for hip-hop was going apesh*t.

The beat was crazy. The hook was crazy. The video? Man they duped every man by showing the fat tushy right at the beginning.

In 2000, dead prez came thru with the vengeance. So being the hip-hop lover that I was (and still am) I copped the album, Let’s Get Free, (this was before illegal downloading was the thing to do). I didn’t love the album but I was vibing with them because they were on some God-body, back to Africa stuff. Okay, not really, but they were on some revolutionary, do for self, get-right speech.

And then, Track 8.

It took maybe 22 or so minutes of listening, but when I heard Track 8, I officially hated dead prez.

The track? “Mind Sex”.

Oh you know this track even if you haven’t heard it. It’s the song where they discuss how they don’t just want to get in your drawerz ladies, they want to get into your mind. Every deep cat has gone this route at least once.

Le sigh.

Let me just say upfront, I HATE it when men get to pandering to women in order to make themselves seem like they’re not like every other man. “Hey girl, of course I want to see you naked, but I’d like to see your mind’s eye naked to and make sweet love to your cerebellum under the constellations while we wax philosophical about Egypt and ancient Mathematics from Greece. Girl, it’s your mind that arouses me, not your derriere.”

Ninja please.

To quote the great Phonte from Little Brother, “…at the end of the night, y’all just trynna f*ck like me…”

Look, I know men SAY these things, (not ironically) to get the booty, but you aren’t supposed to lame out on wax. Permanently. For one, it makes you sound bigger than you are, but for two, mostly it just sounds uber-corny. I find it hard to believe that even most women found that song to be inspirational and positive because it went SOOO hard in the lame-cat category.

Here’s some lyrics. Ladies, imagine if a man were to say this to you, how would you respond?

But tonight well try a different route, how bout we start
With a salad, a fresh bed of lettuce with croutons/Later we can play a game of chess on the futon
See I aint got to get in your blouse/Its your eye contact, that be getting me aroused…

Before the nights through, we could get physical too/I aint tryin to say I dont wanna f*ck, cause I do But for me boo, makin love is just as much mental/I like to know what Im gettin into

The last few lines are the only lines that don’t make me cringe (it’s still corny though). That sounds like what real men would say. By real men, I mean honest and true to life cats. And I know, revolutionary cats are the same ones on that non-sensical, “My Black Queen is the sand beneath my mandals…”

But still, that’s the problem with this song to me (and all songs like it), why lie? Further, why lie and make yourself look THAT lame in the process. Now, I could be wrong and maybe women LOVE it when men offer them fresh salad and croutons first in which case, I’ve been going about it all wrong for years.

However, seriously ladies, if you were dating a man who came at you with some croutons on some, “girl I’d like to put you on the wall, but first, let’s get healthy. Here’s also some tofu and soymilk…” wouldn’t you give the cat the side-eye?  And nothing else?

Perhaps I just read to much and its really not that deep (no pun intended) but that one song ruined an entire groups catalog for me because they sounded like some b*tches.  But maybe there is an entire population of women out there who long for this type of gayness lameness sincerity.

This all lends itself to a larger point, people laming themselves out and ruining all future interactions.  For me dead prez is some b*tches.  But others may love them.

Ladies, just how lame a man would you deal with?  If your dude came at you on some “mind sex” would you think it was cute or would you automatically dry up faster than Dr. Ruth’s special place in the Sahara?  Better yet, what happens if you can tell that he ACTUALLY means it?  Do you proceed?

And is there a such thing as a lame woman?

Basically, do croutons have any place in relationships?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3