The Pandering Files: Croutons, Lettuce, and the Third Eye.

croutons1Do you all remember the dead prez song “Hip-Hop”? When that song dropped EVERYBODY who had even the slightest love for hip-hop was going apesh*t.

The beat was crazy. The hook was crazy. The video? Man they duped every man by showing the fat tushy right at the beginning.

In 2000, dead prez came thru with the vengeance. So being the hip-hop lover that I was (and still am) I copped the album, Let’s Get Free, (this was before illegal downloading was the thing to do). I didn’t love the album but I was vibing with them because they were on some God-body, back to Africa stuff. Okay, not really, but they were on some revolutionary, do for self, get-right speech.

And then, Track 8.

It took maybe 22 or so minutes of listening, but when I heard Track 8, I officially hated dead prez.

The track? “Mind Sex”.

Oh you know this track even if you haven’t heard it. It’s the song where they discuss how they don’t just want to get in your drawerz ladies, they want to get into your mind. Every deep cat has gone this route at least once.

Le sigh.

Let me just say upfront, I HATE it when men get to pandering to women in order to make themselves seem like they’re not like every other man. “Hey girl, of course I want to see you naked, but I’d like to see your mind’s eye naked to and make sweet love to your cerebellum under the constellations while we wax philosophical about Egypt and ancient Mathematics from Greece. Girl, it’s your mind that arouses me, not your derriere.”

Ninja please.

To quote the great Phonte from Little Brother, “…at the end of the night, y’all just trynna f*ck like me…”

Look, I know men SAY these things, (not ironically) to get the booty, but you aren’t supposed to lame out on wax. Permanently. For one, it makes you sound bigger than you are, but for two, mostly it just sounds uber-corny. I find it hard to believe that even most women found that song to be inspirational and positive because it went SOOO hard in the lame-cat category.

Here’s some lyrics. Ladies, imagine if a man were to say this to you, how would you respond?

But tonight well try a different route, how bout we start
With a salad, a fresh bed of lettuce with croutons/Later we can play a game of chess on the futon
See I aint got to get in your blouse/Its your eye contact, that be getting me aroused

Before the nights through, we could get physical too/I aint tryin to say I dont wanna f*ck, cause I do But for me boo, makin love is just as much mental/I like to know what Im gettin into

The last few lines are the only lines that don’t make me cringe (it’s still corny though). That sounds like what real men would say. By real men, I mean honest and true to life cats. And I know, revolutionary cats are the same ones on that non-sensical, “My Black Queen is the sand beneath my mandals…”

But still, that’s the problem with this song to me (and all songs like it), why lie? Further, why lie and make yourself look THAT lame in the process. Now, I could be wrong and maybe women LOVE it when men offer them fresh salad and croutons first in which case, I’ve been going about it all wrong for years.

However, seriously ladies, if you were dating a man who came at you with some croutons on some, “girl I’d like to put you on the wall, but first, let’s get healthy. Here’s also some tofu and soymilk…” wouldn’t you give the cat the side-eye?  And nothing else?

Perhaps I just read to much and its really not that deep (no pun intended) but that one song ruined an entire groups catalog for me because they sounded like some b*tches.  But maybe there is an entire population of women out there who long for this type of gayness lameness sincerity.

This all lends itself to a larger point, people laming themselves out and ruining all future interactions.  For me dead prez is some b*tches.  But others may love them.

Ladies, just how lame a man would you deal with?  If your dude came at you on some “mind sex” would you think it was cute or would you automatically dry up faster than Dr. Ruth’s special place in the Sahara?  Better yet, what happens if you can tell that he ACTUALLY means it?  Do you proceed?

And is there a such thing as a lame woman?

Basically, do croutons have any place in relationships?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3

  • http://stuffghettopeoplelike.wordpress.com Stuff Ghetto People Like

    This one takes a minute for everyone to marinate on.

    Females can very much be lame (we just call them “wack”). Maybe they’re too boho, bubbly, religious, self esteem too low…but if the box or the durb is on deck, we’ll bear wit’ them for an extended period of time (which is lame of us when we should just cut bait). Thing is, dudes gas these broads up so goddamn much in the name of wantin’ arse (see Myspace pic comments), the game is completely effed up…..

    Oh, and Dead Prez? We were just struggling for new music that spring, so we let “Mind Sex” slide…..but I can understand taking the focus off just the draws, if a chick is wifey material (you can rub one out for one more night and be patient while establishing yourself in her brain).

    Props to myself on my first “First!” on this blog…

    • Humble_One

      @Stuff Ghetto People Like,

      “Thing is, dudes gas these broads up so goddamn much in the name of wantin’ arse (see Myspace pic comments), the game is completely effed up…..”

      I gotta cosign this. The game is totally effed up. Some chics are gassed on premium octane. I have seen dudes do this first hand. Between gassing and tricking dudes artificially raise the cost of getting some women.

      • http://stuffghettopeoplelike.wordpress.com Stuff Ghetto People Like

        @Humble_One, it’s why so many fat broads swear they’re super-tens* and can get any guy they want. They got better self-esteem than fit and thick chicks now (nttawwt per se)

        *There are plenty of fat girls with that foundation meaning they’re cute and quite serviceable, but a good lot of these other heifers need to, how y’all say in these parts? Oh yeah, SADDOWN!

      • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

        @Humble_One,

        Too many females definitely have a false sense of their attractiveness (or lack of) due to the internet and thirsty/fake n*ggas. Of course everyone loves to be complimented, but the fake comments I’ve seen and heard from dudes along with their OBVIOUS intent to “hit it” and the female being thirsty for attention, just makes me nauscious.

        I swear a lot of women think they are models just because they have a digital camera and a myspace page.

        • charli skipper

          @Monk,
          I swear a lot of women think they are models just because they have a digital camera and a myspace page.

          lol. true. it’s amazing.

          • http://hunnybeezhive.blogspot.com Beez

            @charli skipper,

            Don’t forget the gratuitous mirror shots. with the cellphone. You, too, can be a myspace model with a camera phone and medicine cabinet.

    • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

      @Stuff Ghetto People Like,

      “Thing is, dudes gas these broads up so goddamn much in the name of wantin’ arse (see Myspace pic comments), the game is completely effed up…..”

      This is too, too true. She becomes to brainwash by just those select few ninjas, she starts to think she can get any ol’ ninja she wants. And then she’s promptly shut the eff down by a ninja who ain’t havin’ none that. Then her feelings get hurt. Dudes need to think of the future, ya’ll.

      • http://www.firstdatefrenzy.wordpress.com GiGi

        @Cheekie,

        imo, the issue is more that lames would rather devalue women so it’s easier to get the panties, not that these women are too “gassed.”

        • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

          @GiGi,

          “imo, the issue is more that lames would rather devalue women so it’s easier to get the panties, not that these women are too “gassed.””

          Devalue women? That seems more like what the “bad boy” would do. A woman would never let a lame — or what she perceives as one, since it’s relative — devalue her. He wouldn’t even get the chance. Or am I not understanding you correctly? Which could be true…it’s Thursday and I’m in pre-Friday mode. lol

          • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

            @Cheekie,

            Devalue women? Yeah, that’s not the case in point I think. I believe it has moreso has to do with dudes devaluing themselves with hopes of knocking the boots.

            N*gga, just be you.

          • http://www.firstdatefrenzy.wordpress.com GiGi

            @Cheekie,

            men who say “these chicks are too gassed” would prefer it if those chicks had lower (not necessarily low) self-esteem, thereby making it easier to get with them. if she didn’t think as highly of herself, that man would have a better shot. instead of considering that maybe he should rise to meet her standards (or work to be with her), he’d rather she lowered hers to accomodate him. if she doesn’t then she’s “brainwash(ed) by just those select few ninjas, she starts to think she can get any ol’ ninja she wants.”
            i understand your POV, i just have a different perspective.

          • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

            @GiGi,

            Ah, I getcha now. That’s a very valid perspective, actually.

          • http://stuffghettopeoplelike.wordpress.com Stuff Ghetto People Like

            @GiGi, sounds like you’re arguing that a man absolutely must work to get a woman no matter how wack the woman might be.

            Do lame/wack women get to have higher standards whereas men of any kind have to take each female exactly as they are and appeal to them?

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Stuff Ghetto People Like, Oh, and Dead Prez? We were just struggling for new music that spring, so we let “Mind Sex” slide

      i could not in good faith let “mind sex” slide. what next? the cha-cha slide?

      see, that’s how we end up losing bed-stuy. you let a few folks slide and the next thing you know morehouse is only an hbcu, historically.

      above all else, that song was just gay. you would, under NO circumstances, tell your boys that you went into some girls place on some “sincere crouton game” unless you’re just a known mac like that. these cats just look like herbs to me. though in some strange way, uber-revolutionary (even as fake as dead prez come off to me) cats seem like the exact dudes who’d come with the salads and croutons in attempts to get to know a chick better.

      extremists all around. extremely militant and extremely lame.

      • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

        @Panama Jackson,

        I wouldn’t say dead prez killed it for me with “Mind Sex” (although it may have because I really don’t fugg with them cats to this day), but it doesn’t take away from their sole classic “Bigger Than Hip Hop”. Just the chorus in itself is something that I tell folks at least thrice a week.

        Most “revolutionary” muafuggas be on some shullbit when it comes to their personal relationships though. Am I the only one that has notices that?

        • ATLOshun

          @Monk, “Most “revolutionary” muafuggas be on some shullbit when it comes to their personal relationships though. Am I the only one that has notices that?”

          You are so right. Dated one of these dudes and was sooo disappointed. Didn’t have a f*ckn clue what to do inside a committed relationship…lost in revolutionary space.

          What they espouse is not usually what they’re capable of doing one on one with a woman. Talking out of both sides of their necks.

          • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

            @ATLOshun,

            Yep.
            See Nas, Lauryn Hill, Bob Marley, etc…

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

            @ATLOshun, welcome and sh*t

            i have noticed that a lot of revolutionary cats are quite womanizing at the same time.

        • LusciousG

          @Monk,

          FlavaFlav LMAO

  • overitinNYC

    “Pardon me love but you seem like my type
    What you doin tonight? you should stop by the site”<that was a line made for Very Smart Bloggers in mind, LOL.

    First off, i LOVE this song, lmao! The salad and croutons did make me wince a tad, but this made up for it:

    African princess, tell me yo interests
    Wait, let me guess boo, you probably like poetry
    Heres a little something I jotted down in case I spotted you around
    So let me take this opportunity
    Would you share a moment with me, over herbal tea?
    Take a walk verbally, make a bond certaintly
    Cuz in my hand I bet your hand fit perfectly
    And its like we floatin out in space when you flirtin wit me.

    Ladies! Please tell me that is not some street poetry for dat a**!

    Would I buy it completely if a guy said or wrote that to me? No. Would I get all dumb and show my gunshot wounds on my face? You betcha.

    Signing off,

    Eternal Rose

    • shay_d_lady

      @overitinNYC, African princess, tell me yo interests
      Wait, let me guess boo, you probably like poetry
      Heres a little something I jotted down in case I spotted you around
      So let me take this opportunity
      Would you share a moment with me, over herbal tea?
      Take a walk verbally, make a bond certaintly
      Cuz in my hand I bet your hand fit perfectly
      And its like we floatin out in space when you flirtin wit me.

      Ladies! Please tell me that is not some street poetry for dat a**!

      it aint…it is simplistic abba rhyme scheme lameness..
      foolishness
      a woman being wooed with this should hit him in the face and run…..he’s a decepticon

      • http://www.museacdonline.com pgh muse

        @shay_d_lady, decepticon

        Hahaha! Love IT!

    • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

      @overitinNYC,

      “Pardon me love but you seem like my type
      What you doin tonight? you should stop by the site”<that was a line made for Very Smart Bloggers in mind, LOL.

      HAHA! This is the macking of the future. Where you can mack and e-mack simultaneously.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @overitinNYC, Cuz in my hand I bet your hand fit perfectly

      that’s the only good line in that entire thing you copied. for one, it sounds like something that might be said genuinely.

      i will say, this type of stuff definitely does work with chicks. real talk, i used to write A LOT of poetry. i mean i can write and i’m random…seems like a perfect fit. but the REASON i started writing poetry was b/c i noticed ths UBER lame dude at my job in Atlanta was booking all the chicks like this? they kept wanting to read more of his stuff and after reading it i was like…”how dumb are these chicks?”

      so i hopped on the bandwagon and just started writing. now for me, at some point, it became more for the art of it as i attempted to actually get better. but initially, i was looking for the chicks this sh*t would work on…and they were abundantly aplenty.

      hell, i once walked up to a chick in lennox mall and said, when i saw you, i thought of these words…

      LMAO. and do you know i got her number.

      • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

        @Panama Jackson,

        When it comes to corny, lame, or poetic lines, it all depends if the woman is physically attracted to you. Mental stimulation, charm, and sense of humor does play a part but waxing poetics isn’t slick if you’re on public transportaion, dressed like a bum, and you stink.

    • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

      @overitinNYC,

      If you’ve been entertained by that line and been “subdued”, consider yourself Victim #871,563,339.

      That’s a running number and it may be a lot larger upon reading this.

      By the way, Me No Partake In The Wackness.

      • overit?

        @Monk, LOL, nah i never have, but it makes me feel better. a guy i used to crush on used that line. he IS a bama!

    • http://cookinwitgrease.wordpress.com Chasdizz

      @overitinNYC,
      “Would you share a moment with me, over herbal tea?”

      i wish a ninja would say some ish like that to me. he would get the mean and evil side eye….

  • Blue Skyez

    Usually I’m fast asleep but I just finished reading yesterday’s comments. That was an awesome topic. I love corny dudes the ones who don’t try but just are. I also love mind sex because A.D.I.D.A.S. If you had read my comments from yesterday, you will understand. Glad this “corniness” was permanently saved on wax so future generations will have one reminder that not all hip-hop entertainers felt that a certain race of women were hyper-sexualized gold-digging come dumpsters without minds/personality.

    • shay_d_lady

      @Blue Skyez, Glad this “corniness” was permanently saved on wax so future generations will have one reminder that not all hip-hop entertainers felt that a certain race of women were hyper-sexualized gold-digging come dumpsters without minds/personality

      this song does not say that to me.. it says that they obviously do think I mindless with out personality cuase this is the half a$$ bullshyt they came with to woo me…..
      especially knowing the ability Dead Prez had to come with some for real hotness….

    • TLC

      @Blue Skyez,

      “so future generations will have one reminder that not all hip-hop entertainers felt that a certain race of women were hyper-sexualized gold-digging come dumpsters without minds/personality.”

      **In my Bonita voice** Now I ain’t one to gossip so you ain’t heard this from me but…..

      All I have to say is I know someone who dated M-1 and pulling that “you’re my spirtual wife” ish with one chick while impregnanting and sharing living space with another isn’t exactly my idea of respect

      In the words of Flavooooor Flavvvv “Don’t believe the hype”

      • http://stuffghettopeoplelike.wordpress.com Stuff Ghetto People Like

        @TLC,

        I know someone who dated M-1 and pulling that “you’re my spirtual wife” ish with one chick while impregnanting and sharing living space with another isn’t exactly my idea of respect

        Women have full access to these files, guys, so play it straight!

      • miss t-lee

        @TLC,
        “In the words of Flavooooor Flavvvv “Don’t believe the hype””

        Truer words have never been spoken…lol

      • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com BlackBerry Molasses

        @TLC,
        do we know each other? i heard the same thing.
        I met M-1 when he came to my campus for the… wait for it… State of Black America conference. Yep, I was one of those girls. I still kinda am, but not nearly as loopy. And he was totally pandering to the militant college girl panties that were LINING UP (myself included- I can admit to past stupidity).

        I will say, he is certainly fun to get a cipher going with though.

        • TLC

          @BlackBerry Molasses,

          I don’t think that we do, however, I am in NY and I see you’re in the tri-state area too….probably know some of the same people….six degrees of seperation I suppose:-)

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Blue Skyez, Glad this “corniness” was permanently saved on wax so future generations will have one reminder that not all hip-hop entertainers felt that a certain race of women were hyper-sexualized gold-digging come dumpsters without minds/personality.

      yeah, instead they’ll know that some women will fall for anything. which if you think about it, is roughly the same sh*t.

      • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

        @Panama Jackson,

        That’s actual and factual.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          @Monk, you know, every time i see those two words together, i start singing the TLC song, “baby baby baby”

    • http://www.myspace.com/thagrindaholic BLUNTBLAZER

      @Blue Skyez,
      dam had tha day off yestaday fuq *goes to yestadays blog*

    • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

      @Blue Skyez,

      “Mind Sex” is just a slicker way to get into your drawers. Please read between the lines. Wouldn’t you place more worth in someone who was upfront about their wants?

  • shay_d_lady

    I was just having a discussion about this song the other day. this shyt was uber lame.. like if this shyt was idris, denzel, and boris covered in chocolate and drippin I would walk away with my mouth frowned up in disgust.

    I cant stand a lame a$$ ninja.. lame and ignorant go hand in hand..especially a fake concious rap hip hop oh my queen what is high what is higher wack poem writin recitin a$$ ninja..

    • 8th Wonder

      @shay_d_lady,

      “…like if this shyt was idris, denzel, and boris covered in chocolate and drippin…”‘

      Oh Sweet Infant Jesus, the visual! That’d be a sundae for that ass!

      Okay I’m done now. Sorry.

      • overit?

        @8th Wonder, trust, i took that visual and ran it like a field day relay.

    • K to the…

      @shay_d_lady,

      You going HARD, shay_d…tell em why you mad, son!!!!

    • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

      @shay_d_lady,

      “this shyt was uber lame.. like if this shyt was idris, denzel, and boris covered in chocolate and drippin I would walk away with my mouth frowned up in disgust.”

      Oooh, you hurtin’ me with that visual. God forbid any of these foine brothas evah become that lame. I’d have to make like Adam Sandler in that movie that 4 people saw, Click and hit the mute button. They don’t have to talk. Why they even have to talk? They don’t.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @shay_d_lady, to futher quoth the great Phonté Coleman…

      “…my Black Queen…don’t know nan’ ni**a…”

  • charli skipper

    See, I’m the kind of person that gets offended if I think a man is trying to play me like I’m stupid. So, yeah, if some guy came at me with that foolishness, I’d probably get mad as hell.

    I don’t like it when men try to say the things I want to hear with no real effort at sincerity. It makes me want to punch dead prez in the face.

    • http://kamakula.wordpress.com kamakula

      @charli skipper,

      Effort? Sometimes it is not that hard for people to say what they mean.

      • charli skipper

        @kamakula,

        they don’t mean it.

  • Sheffield Swats

    Ahh yes, this is akin to my repulsion at “Black Shampoo” on the Wu-Tang Forever double disc…an otherwise delightful voyage into hip-hopitivity. Ruined my sophomore season of soccer domination. Here I am bopping along to practice, getting my Triumph on, and then I hear this randomness via U-God(? maybe? can’t remember?) I cannot stop passes effectively with this bull$hit as a warm up! Convinced I missed All-State because of it.

    But I digress. Bottom line, the most attractive thing about a dude is being genuine and both Dead Prez’s and Wu’s offerings ring as blatant attempts at hoodwinkery. Therefore, if a heretofore normal hip-hop head had been kickin’ it, talking bout normal ish and then suddenly reverted to that mind chex bullsh, the puma would pucker and I’d have to roll out. Similarly, if a young man was on some MJB and Meth “You’re All I Need” type game, he’d get the drawers and anything else he asked for.

    “I’m realizing that you didn’t have to -uck with me” > “lettuce with croutons”…. by about a zillion puma points.

    • miss t-lee

      @Sheffield Swats,
      “Ahh yes, this is akin to my repulsion at “Black Shampoo” on the Wu-Tang Forever double disc”

      Holy ish, I completely forgot about this song. Way to mess up the flow of an album.

    • http://jameskphoto.blogspot.com Mr. Mister

      @Sheffield Swats, Yeah it was U-God. Un. Comfortable.
      I believe the opening bars were, “Massage, peppermint oils, shampoo & pears/cinnamon, aloe, natural for your hair” :(

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Sheffield Swats, but i mean, it’s U-God…they guy who clearly has pictures of RZA but nekkid with Prince Paul and Steve Rifkind. how else could anybody justify his existence in the Wu?

      i guess what im saying is that he sucks.

      • http://conference.syncweekly.com SouthernCharm

        @Panama Jackson,

        yeah they should have replaced him with cappa-don a long time ago…

        “my slang is editorial…”

        • http://www.myspace.com/thagrindaholic BLUNTBLAZER

          @SouthernCharm,
          whata bout that song “Camay” now that was some billy d will smooth ninja shiii

          • Sheffield Swats

            @BLUNTBLAZER, dude please don’t confuse Ghost’s game with anything U-God has ever done. Seriously, Ghost got the best relationship bars of any member of the Wu. “When she told me her merlot need more grapes/I said boo, you never had wine before?”

            Save Me Dear, on the Pretty Tony album, is prolly gonna be my wedding song (either that or Saturday Love, Alexander O’Neal & Cherrelle). Can’t decide.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          @SouthernCharm, um…cappadonna sucks too.

          slang editorial was a hot song. but that album was hot stanky (leg) garbage.

          i couldn’t decide if cappa was a genius or dumb as hell. come to think of it, i’m still not sure.

    • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

      @Sheffield Swats,

      In regards to the Wu, Meth and Mary is by all means a classic way of expressing yourself without being “Love Jone”-ish and adding the lame factor.

      • overit?

        @Monk, oh, if we made a list, Meth and would be on top.

  • http://ThinkPrettySmart.typepad.com Ms. Smart

    “Let me just say upfront, I HATE it when men get to pandering to women in order to make themselves seem like they’re not like every other man.”

    This made me think about that Drake character. Ha!

    How lame? Well I do believe the men I’ve dated are smart where work is concerned. However, they would never say anything like that. Hell, neither would my father or brothers. Are MEN really saying this shyt? Were they raised in a bleeding-from-the-middle convent?

    • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com BlackBerry Molasses

      @Ms. Smart,
      Were they raised in a bleeding-from-the-middle convent?

      Dayum girl. Way to get gully. *daps*

    • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

      @Ms. Smart,

      “This made me think about that Drake character. Ha!”

      *giggle*

      Nice.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @Ms. Smart, no man should ever say anything like that. period.

      unless you’re dating a chick who’s so impressionable that she’ll take anything you say as deep.

      then again…all you have to do with them is say sh*t like, “you ever noticed how the sky is always blue?”

      her: you know, now that you mention it, it is always blue. why is that?

      him: well beyonce, it’s because its reflecting ALL THIS ICE I’M ROCKING. it’s the ROC!

      • miss t-lee

        @Panama Jackson,
        “him: well beyonce”

        CTFU

      • http://nianaturally.blogspot.com N.I.A. happyhumpday….

        @Panama Jackson,

        LMAO @ him: well beyonce, it’s because its reflecting ALL THIS ICE I’M ROCKING. it’s the ROC!

        • http://nianaturally.blogspot.com N.I.A. naturally

          @N.I.A. happyhumpday….,
          disregard the humpday moniker….

      • http://www.myspace.com/thagrindaholic BLUNTBLAZER

        @Panama Jackson,
        naw dog a simple nose touch/eskimo kiss get you a kiss (chicks cant resist that idk why) with then leads to chexin. simple game kinda lame but it works on breeezys ery time ery time

      • Ivy St.

        @Panama Jackson,
        LMAO!! good one!

    • http://cookinwitgrease.wordpress.com Chasdizz

      @Ms. Smart,
      “This made me think about that Drake character. Ha!”

      chuuch.

  • http://www.blacknbougie.com OneChele

    Damn ya’ll for the interesting topics making me share all the stupid ish I have lived through. Here it is…

    Five dates in, that “tonight’s the night” feeling in the air. We are at a 4-Star restaurant, on the wharf in San Fran. Brother’s game was tight, I was sipping wine, eating shrimp and whatnot… he reaches across the table, takes my hand and then starts quoting from Green Eggs and Ham. Yes, Green Eggs and Ham! And I mean, he is reciting it slow and in a deep voice like Dr. Seuss was some Shakespeare or he was bringing some Love Jones-style Poetry Jam to the table.

    When he finished, he kissed my palm and said, “Baby I just want to reach you with my mentals.” I laughed so hard, I spit wine all over the place. He was really hurt but I could not get past the “Sam, I am” of it all. Worse, he explained to me that “The Seuss” was really the original rapper and I needed to recognize the “sensual cadence” of his rhymes. “Are you feeling me?” he asked.

    No, I was not. I tried to just let the night go (trying to finish my surf and turf ya’ll) but then he just got more forceful in his defense of all things Seussian. I finally threw a $20 on the table and bailed. Later I thought, that ish MUST have worked on some chick before, he was too confident. I cannot fathom how Dr. Seuss has ever closed the deal for a brother.

    • charli skipper

      @OneChele,
      Chile, this was so wack that it made me want to start avoiding people i don’t even know. and that brings up a whole ‘nother aspect of men trying to say whatever they think you want to hear: men trying to be sensual. ewwwwwwwww. sensuality just IS. i don’t need your big, grown ass trying to lick your lips and stare into my face.

      this whole ordeal reminds me of that horrible dating show “who’s got the hook up.” (d.c. people, explain yourselves.) ugh! all those wack, ashy dudes trying to be sexy=hot mess. but i totally feel you on trying to bear it long enough to finish the surf and turf….i’ve been there.

    • http://www.singlesisterspeak.wordpress.com Nicki Sunshine

      @OneChele, I feel like I just watched a tv show and am so embarassed for the characters that I have turned that channel (but I keep flipping back).

    • overitinNYC

      @OneChele, LMAO!!! omg, where do these people come from???

    • http://chubbyafro.com T. Troy Stewart

      @OneChele, Good Lord. I know I’ve done my fair share of cheesy stuff to win a lady over in my day but dayam!

      I would have done that for jokes not as a substitute for a Shakespearian sonnet LOL

      • http://www.myspace.com/thagrindaholic BLUNTBLAZER

        @T. Troy Stewart,
        for sheeezy ninja those are lines ment to be said at mickey d’s not no 4star restaurant lol

    • Ivy St.

      @OneChele,
      LOL!
      “I cannot fathom how Dr. Seuss has ever closed the deal for a brother.”
      Maybe he should have chosen another book? Maybe The Cat in the Hat or Are you my mother? lol!
      Terrible!

    • http://stuffghettopeoplelike.wordpress.com Stuff Ghetto People Like

      @OneChele, damn, he must have really dug you to have spent five dates worth of cash on you…esp. if his only mission was to get the trim.

      • http://www.myspace.com/thagrindaholic BLUNTBLAZER

        @Stuff Ghetto People Like,
        yea i got 3 strikes/3 dates rule.

    • 8th Wonder

      @OneChele,

      LOL I want to go back and re-read this, but I’m still reeling from the first go-round.

      Sigh. I agree with Charli, men “trying” to be sexy and sensual is a fail EVERY SINGLE TIME.

    • K to the…

      @OneChele,

      If you had stuck around…the next date, he probably would have hit you with some Bernstein Bears….

    • miss t-lee

      @OneChele,
      “When he finished, he kissed my palm and said, “Baby I just want to reach you with my mentals.” I laughed so hard, I spit wine all over the place”

      I think I would have laughed too.

    • SouthernGirl

      @OneChele,

    • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

      @OneChele,

      “Brother’s game was tight, I was sipping wine, eating shrimp and whatnot… he reaches across the table, takes my hand and then starts quoting from Green Eggs and Ham.”

      *Lil Jon’ Mode* WHAAAAAT?!

      LMAO @ that hot boiling mess of a brotha. I mean, WHAT?!

      Like what did he do, go to the Sean Pean I Am Sam School Of Impressing Girls? I’m sure you do NOT like his green eggs and ham. You would not eat them, Sam I Am.

      I’m still trippin’, though…HUH?! Like, you can’t write this mess in romantic comedies it’s so outrageous. I need to tell people this one. lol

    • http://conference.syncweekly.com SouthernCharm

      @OneChele,

      see… this is a classic example of talkin’ yo’self out of da booty… all he had to do was sit there, shut up, and order more wine.

      • http://www.myspace.com/thagrindaholic BLUNTBLAZER

        @SouthernCharm,
        i have a homie that is notorious for talkin himself outa some puss. i be like ninja jus shut up n show her ya six pack and she’ll let u hit.

    • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com BlackBerry Molasses

      @OneChele,
      OMG this SLAYED me.

      **six feet under with a Bible and some Jack**

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @OneChele, this might honestly be one of the funniest things i’ve ever heard in my life.

      to quote dr. Seuss with conviction and sincerity to another grown ass person in attempts to show your depth.

      that’s something even i wouldnt do for kicks. and i used to practice game on chicks in the mall. find a chick by herself and just try some off the wall game to see if it works.

      kind of like how a comedian prepares.

      • http://www.blacknbougie.com OneChele

        @Panama Jackson,
        Yeah, this one always slays. You can NOT make stuff like this up!
        I’ve got stories like this by the dozen, I apparently attract the fine but crazy… it’s a gift.

    • http://chubbyafro.com T. Troy Stewart

      @OneChele, I do have a question…four dates and not one sign of this fool’s Seuss tendencies?

      • http://www.blacknbougie.com OneChele

        @T. Troy Stewart, no clue, he hid his Seussian tendencies well. :-)

    • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

      @OneChele,

      Dr. Suess is the basis for a lot (too many) rap songs (and wack ass love jones-esque poetry these days). So hey…

  • http://www.museacdonline.com pgh muse

    Weeeell…

    I have this album, haven’t listened to it in years, but i do recall giving the song the side eye when I first heard it. But i think he was just using a lot of words to say that he’d like to get to know a female (and see if they are compatible) before they have sex. Game or not there’s nothing wrong with that to me. Song might be lame but I’d rather hear that than “drop ur draws, bytch and spread ‘em” or some other vulgar a$$ ridiculousness. Whatever happened to romance?

    • overitinNYC

      @pgh muse, Song might be lame but I’d rather hear that than “drop ur draws, bytch and spread ‘em” or some other vulgar a$$ ridiculousness. Whatever happened to romance?

      Thank you!! The song is def a candidate for the lame category, but I’ve heard lamer and more vulgar. And truth be told, when it reallly comes down to it, if a guy continuously said such lines, I’d probably not trust him. I still think its cute when a guy gets more creative than “ay shawty, what yo name eyuh”.

      Although I will take a “fu** wit ya boy” LOL, waddup Shay D!!

      • http://blkbond.blogspot.com BlkBond

        @overitinNYC,

        LMAO!! Did you go to Spelman??
        All the Spelman women I knew got hit with “Ay shawty whut yo name eyuh”

        I also think it’s hilarious you will take “F*** wit’ ya boy”. Usually that’s reserved for drunken slumber while makin an exit after you’ve noticed a woman’s eyes lingering too long.

        “You can admire…but don’t look too long” (Big Syke voice)

        Bond. BlkBond.

        • overit?

          @BlkBond, LOL, the “fu** wit ya boy” was more for shay d, though i recognized my penchant for thugs early, and took prevantative measures lol. and nah, i didnt go to spelman, i went to school in va.

          the funniest line was when i was in richmond, i guess there aint no type of diversity there so this dude gonna come up to me on some “what the fu** is you??” mess.

          did you just ask me wtf am i? RUDE.

          • 8th Wonder

            *crying*

      • http://www.stankoniforous.blogspot.com Stank-0

        @overitinNYC,

        I LOL’d good and long @ “ay shawty, what yo name eyuh”.

    • http://chubbyafro.com T. Troy Stewart

      @pgh muse, what happened to romance, black romance, anyway…rap music. Candyman started knockin’ boots, then Wrecks N’ Effect came in for sloppy seconds Knock-N-Boots and by the time H-Town got to them, those boots been knocked all over town and all worn out and soggy on the insides; it was downhill for black romance old school style.

      okay that’s not the main reason, but degrading romance like that didn’t help.

      • http://www.myspace.com/thagrindaholic BLUNTBLAZER

        @T. Troy Stewart,
        dam bruh you takin it back *somebody rocky knockin tha bootz* thas my shiii. naw tha track that was playin when i lost my v was “sho feels dam good ta me when im pushin inside of you” from tha “bout it” soundtrack dam tha memories

        • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

          @BLUNTBLAZER,

          “Pushin’ Inside Of You” sho’ was a great track. And it definitely retains it’s greatness approx. 14 years from its release.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @pgh muse, But i think he was just using a lot of words to say that he’d like to get to know a female (and see if they are compatible) before they have sex. Game or not there’s nothing wrong with that to me. Song might be lame but I’d rather hear that than “drop ur draws, bytch and spread ‘em” or some other vulgar a$$ ridiculousness. Whatever happened to romance?

      saying that we should eat salad first while i pretend i really not trying to jump you like a snow leopard is romantic?

      what i find most interesting about this comment is how so many women, on this site in particular, have said that they’d rather me be upfront about what they want to avoid the games, yet this dude, CLEARLY ON SOME GAME bs, attempts to convince you he’s deep and not just interested in your goodies gets a pass???

      no wonder men are so lame…half the time we cant figure out if you all want the truth or just want to hear what you want to hear. that’s why we just keep talking…

      …cuz women just like to hear voices.

      • http://lmbao.org Dorian G.

        @Panama Jackson,

        “…cuz women just like to hear voices”

        End Post.

      • Deviant

        @Panama Jackson,

        after this you may as well just shut down the site. What else needs to be said?

        (i may get in trouble when my girl reads that)

      • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

        @Panama Jackson,

        Yep, pretty much sums it all up. Although if we want to generalize things (not sayin’ it’s cool and shyt) but, we can just say women are crazy.

        Monk does not endorse generalizations, but there are truth to them.

      • Omar

        @Panama Jackson, “half the time we cant figure out if you all want the truth or just want to hear what you want to hear.”

        I actually think that they want for what they want to hear to actually be the truth. Hwich is crazy.

        • http://www.museacdonline.com pgh muse

          @Omar, is it crazy though?

      • http://www.museacdonline.com pgh muse

        @Panama Jackson,

        I don’t disagree with you. Not at all… but unless a woman is really naive then she knows that the man she’s dating wants to screw her eventually- and if she’s dating him and actually allowed the date then she has contemplated some interest in him — it’s just figuring out where he’s at with it. Women like to be wooed. I mean dude can keep it real no doubt and in the song he did – he said he’d like to get physical but wants to eat some salad with the chick first and have a conversation. Why does that come across as such boolshyt?

      • http://cookinwitgrease.wordpress.com Chasdizz

        @Panama Jackson, you dont have to bs me, but you dont have to tell me how you want to jump me like a snow leopard either.

        a middle ground can be found.

  • http://isoke85.wordpress.com LadyPolitik

    @ pgh muse

    agreed that this song’s particular lyrics may be CORNY as all get out, but it’s the big picture that matters: we are not all video vixens and venus hottentots. and nor should men expect that. some healing needs to happen in our community so we can fully worship and respect one another’s spirits.

    and, i don’t care what anyone (i.e. Panama) says, the end is BEAUTY-FULL!

    “She’s love
    she’s truth
    she’s real,
    as real as the stars that shine in the heavens
    as real as the sun that bathes her body,
    as real as the moon that glows and the birds that sing and the rose
    that blossoms in spring for she is that rose
    and not just any rose,
    oh, but a black rose,
    black rose that stands taller and stronger
    than any other plant
    A black rose, that stands as creator,
    of nations
    a Black rose
    that never loses her petals,
    and blossoms all year round
    black rose,
    sweet rose,
    thornless rose,
    ETERNAL rose
    please look my way,
    please look my way
    Please look my way
    Black rose”

    • CPT Callamity

      @LadyPolitik,

      I wanted to boo that dude. That’s like dudes running around calling you all “queens” all day. When someone refers to me as “your highness” I guess I can soften up to the concept.

    • http://www.sistersoundoff.blogspot.com Cheekie

      @LadyPolitik,

      Ya know, when you write it out like that, this ish IS beautiful. Maybe it’s the delivery? Or the deliverer? *shrug*

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @LadyPolitik, i’m pretty sure i wrote a poem like that one day…

      roses are black, so are you
      i’d like for us to make it do what it do

      and do you know that sh*t works 98 percent of the time…

      • http://www.myspace.com/thagrindaholic BLUNTBLAZER

        @Panama Jackson,
        lolololol yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah*gucci mane voice*

        • overit?

          @BLUNTBLAZER, gucci likes to hit women. no more, gucci! and trust me, i liked randomly yelling it out,lol.

          aye!

    • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

      @LadyPolitik,

      First, yep, I agree.

      I understand what you’re saying but if a dude is just spittin’ that shyt cause he (generally speaking) just wants to F*CK, does that really make you feel better with “giving it up”?

      Are you ignoring other factors?

      And really? The whole “our community” should be doing this and that but, this isn’t a Black issue if you ask me (assuming you’re Black).

      • http://isoke85.wordpress.com LadyPolitik

        @Monk,

        as for making me feel better about who I share myself with – that decision is made on a case by case basis (depends on what i’m looking for when i wake up that morning).
        but, if this is supposed to be long term and serious, sincerity matters, A LOT. and originality. i don’t want to hear anyone who’s runnin’ around gamin’ people with some plagiarism tryin’ to come off as “original.” you gotta look at the whole person and filter out the fakes from the true gems.

        i’m curious, what factors do you have in mind that i may be missing?

        as for directing messages solely targeted at our community (and yes, I am Black and Proud!) i was talking about the wounds specific to our community that are a result of the legacy of disrespect (misogyny, anyone?), fragmented family units, poverty, and crabs in a barrel BS our brothers and sisters have inherited from our tragic yet proud history.

        did i miss anything Mr. Monk? ;)

        but, yes, all peoples need some healing.