The Other Foot: When Men Seek Closure

Sometimes when life gets you down, you just need p*ssy and a violin guitar.

It’s common knowledge that women more or less suck at rejection. Most women are so discerning (yes, this is debateable…so is yo’ mama) about their romantical decisions up front that the very idea that a man who was chosen would decline their advances causes women to come down with a mad case of the Bee Gees. And anybody who’s ever had the BeeGees knows that you do not want the BeeGees.

Obviously, men are on the other end of that spectrum. I just got rejected twice since I started writing this and I couldn’t care less; I make it do what it do. Also, women tend to be big on closure and men, well, we just go bang new women and pretend not to have any feelings about the previous relationship. This tends to work well for society and mankind since, again, we all know that emo men might kill you. It’s really all about self-preservation, truth, justice, and the American way.

Well, there are actually some situations where men don’t know how to handle rejection AND seek closure. I know, boohissboo. While most men would just rather move on and pretend a certain chick didn’t exist and then holler at  her sorority sister, every now and again comes some woman where sh*t just went so haywire that the dude is left scratching his head.

You need an example don’t you? Yes, I think you do.

Many moons ago, a  young Pan (my game has grown, prefer you call me Panama) was seeing  a young lady. They hit it off famously and excitedly set out to do things that ninjas who hit it off famously do. They ate out. They looked at ducks together. They didn’t even have to use their AKs. It’s like everyday was a good day.  Mind you, Young P Da Fly Thief actually liked this particular woman so he did things that ninjas who like particular women do. He was nice. He did sweet things. Chaka Khan. When he did hoodrat things with his friends, he invited her along.

Then one day, poof vamoose, son of a b*tch. Now that’s not completely true. There was an incident of sorts and to explain it would possibly implicate no less than 12 Guatemalans, three Deltas and Obama. But in all honesty, I, Panama Jackson, was completely innocent. Basically, she messed up royally in such a way that I was forced to take a few steps back and truly evaluate whether or not I wanted to continue forward. She knew it. I knew it.

So what happens?

She iggs me ALL the way out. She disappeared on me. You ain’t neva seen a ninja get more gon’ then this ninja got gon’. Kind of like Ron Isley in Tax Court, I was so confrused. It made no sense, especially since I extended an olive branch so that we could move forward amicably…at least as friends, and perhaps more though that piece was going to take some work. Here’s the kicker, I wasn’t sure if this ninja really was into me for real for real as a boytoy anyway. So technically, it seems like we were all good. But nope. This ninja kicked me to more curbs than a concrete company.

It was almost some Boomerang sh*t except nobody got played. As opposed to a woman being stuck on a dude wondering why he vanished, it was me trying to understand. I went to various women that I knew to gain some insight and all of them gave me some variation of the same answer: she was interested and realized she blew it so she just quit you before she got even more caught up. Self-preservation so to speak. That’s all well and good except…isn’t that the same sh*t women get mad at men for doing? And you know when men’s feelings get hurt, one woman doesn’t pay, the next ten women will pay.

Point is, for the first time in my long-legged life, I needed some closure AND took the rejection personal since until she f*cked up, we were getting along…famously. Oh, and she messed up, not me. Dat hurt very much. Now, this was years ago and I’m a much more coldhearted murderer than I was back then, no matter what Champ says (my ni**a, did you call me thoughtful and sensitive? – f*ck everybody). But that situation reminded me that every so often, men do look for that very closure that women swear we never seek. Did I ever get it? No. I recently saw this woman and we chopped it up for a second and I wanted so badly to ask her what happened but my ego and pride prevented me from doing so. I guess she was the best thing I never had. And yes, Virginia, that was intentional.

So let’s talk about closure today. Ladies, do you ever come across men looking for closure in your previous relationships? Fellas, have you ever sought out closure from a particular woman when things didn’t go right?

And synopsisize deez ladies, why do YOU think she bailed on me? And I promise you don’t need more context. No cheating, she just pulled a cardinal sin. And resist the temptation to ask what it was that she did even though I know its burning to know what happened.

Oh, and close deez.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GRAND OPENING GRAND CLOSING P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

After you read this, mosey on over to Guyspeak where Panama wonders about how true to life Beyonce’s video for “Best Thing I Never Had” is in an article entitled, Ladies, Is Your Ex ALWAYS On Your Mind?

  • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

    “Sometimes when life gets you down, you just need p*ssy and a violin.”

    Ain’t that a guitar, doe? Guess that’s what kitty kat does to ya.

    “Andy synopsisize deez ladies, why do YOU think she bailed on me?”

    She was definitely on some “since we both sense that it’s about to be over, lemme be the one to make the decision instead of ME being the decision. I hurt you before you hurt me.” ish. She shut the door wide open, so to speak.

    • AfroPetite

      it is! it is a guitar! tee hee heee

    • Taylormay

      Ain’t that a guitar, doe? Guess that’s what kitty kat does to ya.

      That’s what some GOOD kitty kat does to ya!

      • http://jouromeo.blogspot.com Sagey Bear

        IDK if there is such a thing. I think the woman’s personality has a lot to do with it. Well, I guess everybody ain’t the same…some cats are just cerebral…yes, I meant that…as in…mental coitus….just in case it ain’t clear to you it rhymes with “find luck”. Blah.

        I always seek closure. I want to know why and women typically try and circumvent me receiving that; prevent from achieving that. Sometimes, you gotta be clever and gutsy. Sometimes, you gotta be vulnerable and open. Sometimes, you gotta be the dbag with apologies and expose just how much it hurts. But honestly, I always put it in terms of learning. My intellectual curiosity takes a front seat to my pride. I crave knowing why. That way I can see how much I could have actually done to create a better tomorrow.

        People in general tend to want to leave things open as a sign of their own pain. As saying that no matter what, they are going to feel hurt. Nobody wants to be alone. I hope you follow, if you don’t I’m kicking the living and breathing out of something very small and defenseless. I’m not very cryptic. grrrr

        • Qozmic

          Sagey, I feel you main… I’m the same way. I’m like dude in the DIRTY HARRY movie…How many bullets WERE fired… I just gotta know.

          And I disagree with Panama on this point: I don’t think women are always on some closure shit. They are when THEY are the one gettin charged to the game. But when they are taillights on a mug… they LOVE to just fade to unavailable. How many times have you done something that was a fire-able offense, and went to call and plead your case/ask for forgiveness/somewhere in between… and couldn’t get the heffa on the phone no more?? Lots, right?… that’s because a woman doesn’t want you to just be gone… she wants you to sit around WONDERING why you gone… and blowin up her phone trying to get that closure…

          It’s a subtle form of disrespect… And an ego boost for the woman.

          That’s why my new policy is… two calls, and then you’ll hit me up if you wanna talk about it.. or not. Either way, I’m not playin phone tag with a woman’s voicemail….

          • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

            These are the games that women play…

          • Atypical Double X

            I am famous for not answering the phone after telling a dude I’m done… But not to boost my ego… I allow a man an opportunity to plead his case but once that opportunity has passed I will let you know in no uncertain terms that if you call me again I will not answer my phone… It’s your fault if you don’t take heed…

            • Qozmic

              That’s fair right there…

              My issue is with women who don’t make it clear and plain that we’re done. If you tell me I’ve been charged to the game… I’ll not darken your phone-step any further…to mix the hell outta a metaphor.

          • http://jouromeo.blogspot.com Sagey Bear

            Qozmic,

            Bro, I’m glad I’m not alone in wanting to improve myself by asking a person that may have a decent intimate perspective of who I am. It only makes sense but apparently, women incite violence due their arrogance. Suddenly, too good to be magnanimous enough to be clear.

            Playing the role of a grown up is easy

            • Qozmic

              Exactly… and for me that’s the whole point. Trying to get your maturity up and self improving so that you don’t ‘inflict’ your mess on the next woman.

              If I was on some b.s. then explain it to me, so I can be better.. Or if you were just not feelin me, say so…instead of having me wondering what I did wrong.

    • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

      He done changed it to say violin guitar. That’s PJ for ya…

      Here’s a real talented p*ssy:
      http://i86.photobucket.com/albums/k108/banana_girl12345/cat-violin.jpg

      • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

        LOL, yeah I saw it right after. I cracked up and then went to sleep. The good life.

    • Eryday Sunshine

      I think its real amicable that only a few women have replied admitting to being that girl – well I have. I have done the dirt and hit it. I have left the guy high and dry, no explanation, got ghost for no other reason than I intended to play Casper for the next 30-90 days til it all blew over. From personal experience, I did it because I knew he had every reason to break up with me and rather than wait for winds of change to start blowing, I bounced. Women have egos just as big as men and sometimes I feel we take for granted that the hard exterior we see guys portraying can handle anything we throw at them. Does it matter that he was the unknowing rebound guy? – not to me. Did it matter that I knew he was was more serious than I ever intended to become? – not really. Did I hurt him just to do back to a man what had been done to so many women countless times before and I seized the opportunity? – More than likely.

      He recently sought closure after searching me out on Facebook (darn you social media) and I gave it to him straight. He said “You know that was some B******* right?” To which my only reply was “Yep, but now you’re wiser for the experience.”

      This experience taught me one thing – regardless if you’re the rejector (sp?) or the rejected, it doesn’t feel good and I am wiser from that experience as well.

      • Eryday Sunshine

        *oops I meant admirable (not amicable)

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        so you think the ends justified the means? is that something i can run on every chick i’ve done dirty? lol. would she get it if i said, “yeah i did you greasy, but think about the experience and strength you have now.”

        methinks i might get stabbed.

        • Eryday Sunshine

          Nope, the ends definitely do no justify the means, but at the time it was a means to an end and I took it.

          Plus I said he sought me out on Facebook, we never reunited in person, I didn’t run the risk of being stabbed via social media, so I took the risk with the words I chose.

        • Qozmic

          ..And methinks you gonna be making a trip to Earl Schieb for a new paint job on the Panama Mobile…cuz shorty gon key your shit.

          But just outta curiousity… I’m gonna try that on the next broad that I did grimy who comes around looking for some closure. There’s a few out there I’m STILL duckin…

      • Qozmic

        That’s a very honest admission… This is the first time I’ve seen a woman admit that they play these kinds of silly games.

        Thank you.

        I get some indirect closure from this. LOL!

      • http://www.theleftsidepoets.wordpress.com MicTheMessenger

        Did I hurt him just to do back to a man what had been done to so many women countless times before and I seized the opportunity? – More than likely.

        THIS^^^^^= COLD BLOODED.

        is karma really this blindfolded?

        Maybe i am, cause i kinda considered myself to be a good guy. But i did do the former two. So maybe im just like everybody else.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      first off…don’t put me in some oddball box where just cuz YOU see a guitar means that I see a guitar. we are not the same, i am a martian.

      and while i know many boobs surmised it as you have, i still find that somewhat hard to believe. i have my own theories i just never espoused them since ole girl never got spoused up by me and i aint seen her years. i kind of forgot until a convo this weekend with a kuntry cousin of mine.

      • http://www.pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

        “first off…don’t put me in some oddball box where just cuz YOU see a guitar means that I see a guitar. we are not the same, i am a martian.”

        Look, how ’bout YOU don’t block the box. :D

  • Nanee

    I don’t know about that “She didn’t want to get caught up stuff”, but maybe it’s because whatever she did to mess up shone some light on to what she was actually looking for ( which was something you didn’t possess). Not necessarily cheating but in some other aspect of her life.

    • Girl Kanyeshrug

      “synopsisize deez ladies, why do YOU think she bailed on me?”

      Sometimes when you are watching ducks and going to parks with someone and it’s going great, you think “this is nice” but something is missing.
      You don’t know exactly what it is, but maybe its a spark, or just that THING that you can’t put your finger on. SO then you start to think you don’t want to lead this nice great guy on any longer than you have.

      HOWEVER your own personality is such that you hate having ‘the talk’ and you would rather gouge your eyes out than tell anybody that you are just not into them (because maybe they will ask why and you don’t have an answer).
      SO its easier to disappear.
      It’s sad but true :(

      • http://tatianarichards.wordpress.com tatiana

        Yep. That’s been my reason on a few occasions.

      • CC

        This!!!!
        I just did this last month.

      • cc

        This! Did this last month.

        Other circumstances involved guys that were annoying/insincere/not very smart/not attractive. Sometimes disappearing is easier than saying “you need a friend/please stop blatantly trying to lick me you perv/dang, you dumber than a box o’ rocks or *shug avery voice* you sholl is ugly” respectively.

        • GoldenSangria

          Yes! Preach it cc!!

      • sunshyne84

        yup

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      ya know, i can buy this one. that makes total sense to me.

  • http://panamaenrique.wordpress.com Malik

    I like the Reasonable Doubt era Jay allusion.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      my pleasure. if i get around to it, i got a mosnter jay post coming.

      • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

        Looking forward to it. :)

      • Around the Way Girl

        I cannot wait till “Watch the Throne” comes out. Haven’t been this excited for an album since…well, “4″ lol.

  • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

    Andy synopsisize deez ladies, why do YOU think she bailed on me?

    You a three. What other reason did she need? ;)

    • AfroPetite

      *spits out Blueberry Lemonade Smirnoff*

      Damn you TAC!

      • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

        What? :D

    • xLadyTx

      LOL

    • naturalista88

      Well damn *lol*.

    • http://tdlove.wordpress.com Tonya

      WOWW!!!! Daps for jumpin’ on that real quick! LOL

    • nillalatte

      LMAO!! I love hate you for your quick wit there cookie… LOL

    • http://twitter.com/#!/NewYork2VA NY2VA

      POW!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      well yeah…true…it had to come back and catch up with me at some point. its why i get no love now.

      • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

        Aw…You get love. Even from me. But it’s a three kinda love.

        Now let’s hug it out and have some closure in this btch.

    • http://www.theleftsidepoets.wordpress.com MicTheMessenger

      Remind me to NEVER get on your bad side, TAC…

      Thy wit is quick and sharp. I can only imagine how many egos you’ve decapitated in your lifetime.

  • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com MadScientist7

    i don’t think i’ve ever sought closure. well there was this one time i tried to get closure. she wouldn’t tell me the truth so when i was left alone in her home and she carelessly left her diary out in the open i took it upon myself to read it (terrible i know). i found all the answers i needed.

    • Lina

      I think she did that on purpose so she wouldn’t have to tell you in person. Leaving someone in your house alone with your diary open sounds a little too convenient.

      • http://ladyngo.blogspot.com Lady Ngo

        Right! Thats exactly what I was thinking

        • xLadyTx

          Me too

      • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com MadScientist7

        well then she shouldn’t have gotten too mad when i told her i read it. yes, i confronted her even though i was in the wrong for reading it. *shrug*

        • http://twitter.com/#!/NewYork2VA NY2VA

          It was purposeful. Lashing out at you was her defense mechanism for being wrong, but she definitely wanted you to see it.

          • Yoles

            i totally agree

          • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

            so basically you’re saying that she was evil.

            • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com MadScientist7

              i can agree with that assessment.

            • http://twitter.com/#!/NewYork2VA NY2VA

              I’m saying she was a coward, was mad at herself for being a coward, did something heartless to compensate for the cowardice, and then lashed out at at MS7 for “making” her be that way.

              • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

                yeah, i read that all as being evil.

          • xLadyTx

            #Agreed

  • http://www.anythingbutstyle.com Shaynanigans

    “Andy synopsisize deez ladies, why do YOU think she bailed on me?”

    Maybe she realized that she had messed the ish up and dealing with it (and you) would have included her accepting that she was wrong and taking the blame. We ladies aren’t wrong very often (or don’t think we are), so if something is 100% our fault it’s a big old horse pill to swallow, and running makes it possible to avoid some of that.

    and lol @ Cheekie for calling out the instrument switcharoo. Can’t get nothing past dem cheeks!…hmm that sounded a little grosser than I meant it but *shrugs*

    • http://betroit.wordpress.com Betroit

      “We ladies aren’t wrong very often (or don’t think we are), so if something is 100% our fault it’s a big old horse pill to swallow, and running makes it possible to avoid some of that.”
      I understand your response but don’t women HATE it when a man does the EXACT same thing. That pill isn’t any smaller on the other side.

      • http://www.anythingbutstyle.com Shaynanigans

        Yup…double standards are a bish. It’s not easy for either side to admit wrong but I think that dating norms (and Tyler Perry) have made it more expected that men do wrong and women are the ones having to hear the sorrys *cue Janet Jacksons “I got sorrys meeting me at the door” speech from ‘For Colored Girls’*

    • Jhane Sez

      “Maybe she realized that she had messed the ish up and dealing with it (and you) would have included her accepting that she was wrong and taking the blame.”

      She left because she wasn’t sorry.

      I wish that I could finesse that better for you P… but I gotta keep this real. I have only had friendships broken with women so I can’t speak from a romantic point of view so I’ll tell you a story.

      I came into some money and decided to stash it for a rainy day, the only one who knew was my girl of many years, I won’t bore you with how tight we were.

      She called a few weeks later and said that she needed several hundred cash ASAP and would get it back to me the next day. We had rolled like that before, sometimes I needed to make that call and she always answered. All I need was an amount and location and I was there.

      We talked the next morning, arranged a meet up, she left me hanging for a couple of hours because the last time I talked to her she said that she was on the way stuck in traffic. She never showed.

      For several months I tried to contact her, I was worried actually, afraid she had gotten caught up in some deep crazy sh*t, at this point I didn’t care about the money. I just wanted to know if she was okay.

      Naw that’s a lie… I wanted to know why.

      Years later she finally contacts me, via email, to say that she knew that she had done her best and only true friend dirty. I forgave her, and we tried to be cool but we were never the same.

      More years pass before I finally get to ask the why, and she gave me an explanation… she needed the money, knew I had it and she couldn’t pay me back, and had no intention of doing so, knew that would be a problem so she went ghost.

      In other words she did me dirty and wasn’t sorry.

      It didn’t get any deeper than that ~JS

      • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

        Now see my pressure went up just reading this. I would have fell out with her over that. I know it; it may be wrong but oh well. You have a kind soul to even be friends after that. She could have just told you she couldn’t pay it back! She didn’t have a credit card? There was no way to get you back a few hundred bucks at least?

        woosah

        Anyway- I see your point. Perhaps homegirl didn’t have any intention on changing her behavior so she dipped.

      • Bella

        Daaaaaaaaaaaamn.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        I think thats a fairly common story actually. Family and friends do that. I can’t tell you how many folks I’ve given large sums of money to only to not her from them for years b/c they knew they weren’t going to pay me back,etc.

        If only them ninjas knew I didn’t expect them to in the first place. We all know who we’re “lending” money to and who we’re giving money too.

        But I get the impression that she really was sorry. She said so any number of times. How sorry? Could be a different story.

      • http://twitter.com/#!/NewYork2VA NY2VA

        For this reason I don’t “lend”. I give because I would hate for someone to duck and dodge and ruin our relationship because they are in financial dire straights. The cavalier attitude that came with her explanation is essentially what it boiled down to, but I doubt it started out that cut and dried. She probably struggled with it for a long time until she reconciled to be unapologetic about it and just “keep it 100.” That’s why she didn’t come clean a long time ago.

        • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

          I don’t “lend” unless I can afford to “give” and never see the money again. But in the back of my mind, I can’t help but wonder “how you gonna decide I didn’t need my money back?” And then bad thoughts start. I’m funny about my dollars; still trying to work on that, LOL.

  • xLadyTx

    I agree with your friends’ analysis of what could’ve happened. She knew she messed up & HER ego kept her from sticking around, possibly, making the situation worse. She probably felt it was just better to cut her losses than to do anything more.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      and you know what…i can buy that. hell, i’ve done that.

      though i’m sure them chicks were madahelshawty.

  • AfroPetite

    To date I’ve had one guy seek closure with me and it was a fail of epic proportions. After a few months of being overly clingy, crossing one too many boundaries, and giving off more estrogen than my ovaries could EVER produce in a lifetime I just stopped calling, texting, etc. (I ain’t give not 2 fcuks neither)

    For the next few weeks he harassed me about why I’d gone MIA and eventually sent me a long drawn out text message as to why I wasn’t ish, wasn’t ever gone be ish, and a myriad of other potentially hurtful things which I also had a hard time finding fcuks to give about.

    Men seeking closure after a relationship is just….ughhh….spare me with all that.

    • http://twitter.com/fixedwater fixedwater

      I know and as much as I hate the potential for double-standard, it would be better if they (men) just didn’t seek closure – I mean it just seems wrong.
      Just lemme go!

    • Imperfect

      My ex sought closure after our explosive break up. And I just found it comical.

      We broke up after a 12 hour fight that ended when the police escorted him out of my house.
      I’m sorry??? I thought it was common knowledge that if the police need to

      • AfroPetite

        “My ex sought closure after our explosive break up. And I just found it comical.”

        THIS! You’re a grown man whining to me about what went wrong and why. My girls and I had such a good time replaying his voicemails and re-reading his livid texts to me lmao

        • WayUPThere

          Wow. Yall are more foul than a Honey Badger stealing a leopard’s kill in a tree. –You didn’t think the honey badger was gonna die this easily did you?–What happened with ole boy why yall split? (A quick summary would suffice.)

          I can understand Imperfect’s situation, but to be honest, if yall had a relationship with no major issues and you just fell off one day, isn’t it a good thing that he tried to figure out what happened? I mean, I thought y’all hated when dudes moved on past relationships immediately like nothing happened, but why clown a dude when he does the opposite and actually tries to figure out what went wrong?

          I best be careful, I’m talking about stuff that might incite an Obsidian post about how doing anything that a woman wants you to do will lower your profile in the SMP, make you seem like a beta male, and turn you into an AFC

          • nillalatte

            “I thought y’all hated when dudes moved on past relationships immediately like nothing happened, but why clown a dude when he does the opposite and actually tries to figure out what went wrong?”

            Of course, the ‘nothing happened’ ish is annoying. Speaking for myself and none other, I would prefer a man politely explain that while I may still care for him, he doesn’t have the same feelings (anymore). I will assume for the sake of argument that he did care at some point. If he tells me he just can’t see a future together because we’re on two different paths, I’ll accept that. That doesn’t mean that I won’t still think of him and the time we spent together. I will. It’s natural. But, it is important that there is no further contact AT ALL. That is just the way it has to be to heal.

            But this AfroPetite: “My girls and I had such a good time replaying his voicemails and re-reading his livid texts to me”
            I couldn’t do that unless dude was threatening me. Not trying to offend you here at all and maybe I’m just too kind hearted at times, but I’ve always told the guy when I didn’t feel things were working out. Some did okay with it and others not so good. But, at least I was honest and straight forward. I didn’t do it for them as much as I did it for myself.

            • AfroPetite

              None taken lol I’m the only one who knows the ins and outs of that particular relationship so all you all have to go on is what I choose to give. From my perspective dude was out of line so after a while all I could do was laugh at him and move on with my life.

              • WayUPThere

                Well that violates the “no major issues” thing i mentioned up there. Carry on…And no more crazy ideas like that prosthetic thing from about a week ago. (that story was so ridiculous it still haunts me) Lawd knows I can’t let you be great

            • Qozmic

              Now THIS I can respect. Nillalatte, that’s a very mature and cogent approach in my opinion.

        • WayUPThere

          *Disclaimer: To make it clear, I, and no other VSBs, endorse ANY type of whining or complaining.

          • WayUPThere

            *As was described by AfroPetite above. There’s a difference between whining and asking.

      • Imperfect

        …break us up, then we are indeed broken up!

        K…clearly my phone is not on my side tonight. 2nd time I moved my finger off the keyboard and it sent an incomplete message…

      • Atypical Double X

        Yeah police escort = fired… And if you call me again I will laugh… HARD… without any concern for your feelings… but the sad thing is that so many women don’t see it like that which causes so many men to not think about it like that…

    • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

      Doesn’t sound like he was seeking closure to me; sounds like he was nucking futz all the way around.

      I think a sane man seeking closure should be cool.

      • sigma_since 93

        That woman would never let that man live it down. Every time she saw him, it would be like that scene in Boomerang when Eddie walked by the snickering women.

      • AfroPetite

        True but sane men seeking closure is icky to me. Regardless, the relationship has ended for whatever reason. Man up, take it as a loss and find a warm hole to drown your sorrows in.

        I bet men like this go around playing Eamon- Don’t Want You Back while eating tubs of chocolate ice cream covered in sprinkles.

        • sigma_since 93

          No. We play LL’s FOR HA while looking for the the victim to take it out on in the sheets.

        • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

          But then we’re quick to call a man a dog when it seems like he doesn’t care at all.

          And I thought we women we’re supposed to find men that love us more than we love them. If we find a man like that, wouldn’t we expect him to want some kind of closure at the end of a relationship? Aren’t just sending mixed signals here?

          • sigma_since 93

            YESSSSS!!!!!!!

            I want him to emote, then he’s soft. I want a gentlemen but then he’s not edgy enough.

          • xLadyTx

            Co-sign!

          • http://panamaenrique.wordpress.com Malik

            Calm down with all of the ‘logic’ here. I don’t believe women send mix signals as for as guys being emotional though. I’ve deciphered the code and to put it as succinctly as a can it is: We (women) only want you to be emotional if it is for our gratification. Outside of that, they want you to keep everything deep, deep inside.

            • sigma_since 93

              Co sign!

            • Around the Way Girl

              Nah, just don’t be a b!tch. That’s all. Women can handle men’s emotions, and we like to see them sometimes, but no woman wants a man who acts like a child…or worse, another woman.

              I personally like closure and appreciate when men seek it.

              • sigma_since 93

                Unfourtnately, exit interviews aren’t mandatory.

              • Qozmic

                Problem is… that is VERY subjective. What one woman considers normal emotional display…another woman will consider ‘bitch-like’ behavior. it’s less about the dude and his behavior than the woman and how she perceives it…

                • sigma_since 93

                  +1!!!!

                • Around the Way Girl

                  I would describe what I meant as needy and oversensitive, but I guess those terms are kinda broad too. Point taken.

                  • Qozmic

                    Even still, ATWG… I feel what you mean too.

                    Even though you gotta play it by ear… on the real sometimes dudes ARE being bitch-like in their pursuit of ‘closure’. That’s because they already got closure…but what they’re really lookin for is another chance. Usually where one ain’t comin…

                    When a woman is fed up… and has truly moved on, two things are true:

                    1) You ain’t talkin your way back in there. So leave her phone alone. Come with diamonds, furs, a car…or a trip to somewhere needing a passport. And THEN you ain’t gotta worry about her takin your call. She’s gonna be callin you. Send a woman some flowers with a diamond tennis bracelet in a box, with a card sayin “I’m an ass. Please forgive me…” and you’re in there like swimwear.

                    2) If a woman is fed up enough to stop takin your calls, unless you are a total shitbag…. she probably wasn’t that into you in the first place. Women tend to give up on a cat MUCH less easily than a dude who has his shyt together will give up on a woman. Dudes who DON’T …well, those are the cats blowin yal women’s phones up. Tryin to get back in the good graces so he can:
                    a) continue living in YOUR crib
                    b) continue driving YOUR car
                    c) continue charging shyt to YOUR credit card
                    d) continue you being his momma

                    A real man got his own shyt… so a real man finds it easier to pick up and move on when the ride is over.

                • http://www.wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

                  Cosign. I don’t mind emotion from a man, just not too much. How much is too much? Can’t say, but I tolerate a whole lot more than ATWG and TAC, from what I can see. All women are not anti male emotion.

          • AfroPetite

            If said woman has wiped her hands clean of the relationship why would she feel like he was a dog for not wanting closure? I don’t fault the man in my specific situation for wanting to know why things went sour but between us but he went about inquiring in the wrong way.

            • sigma_since 93

              The problem is that she can choose to use his request for closure as leverage. She can choose to string him along, give him mis-information, or make a spectacle of the situation.

              It’s almost like when you’re giving back items that belong to the other person in public and you show out….not a good look.

              • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

                And he could use her request in the same ways…

                • sigma_since 93

                  I doubt it. Dudes don’t like to cause scenes or answering multiple questions especially when the answer is something you may not want to hear.

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

              color me badd here but..at the risk of sounding overly manly here…how many women just completely wash their hands of a relationship unless something SEVERLY gotdamn tragic happens. hell, isn’t that the premise of beyonce’s “best i never had” she’s moved and is STILL thinking about dude.

              and that sh*t was uplifting. lol

              • http://twitter.com/#!/NewYork2VA NY2VA

                THIS!!!! The only time I have ever quickly washed my hands of a situation was when it wasn’t that serious from the get go. I’ve not met sistas who can wash their hands of situations that quickly when they are serious, which leads me to another question…

                Throughout today’s post folks are talking about serious and not serious relationships. How are we defining “serious”? This may be one of the reasons why we can’t see eye to eye on this. Do we even have a common definition?

                • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

                  In my mind, serious = exclusive.

                  • RG

                    #noheatherheadley(jackedfromShannonSanders)

                  • http://twitter.com/#!/NewYork2VA NY2VA

                    But does exclusive automatically indicate serious? There are people who only date one person at a time as a matter of principal. Does that mean that the relationships are all serious? When we don’t talk about these things the waters get murky, people get hurt, and other people have no idea why the hurt even occurred.

                  • sigma_since 93

                    When your toes get curled up = addiction = emotional connection

                • http://www.nicknotnikki.com NicknotNikki

                  There is no definition.. It’s the same as when you ask people to classify what “dating” is…
                  There’s various definitions.. and the men I’ve come across LOVE technicalities.. It’s like they were trying to figure out the loopholes. (I see you)..
                  “yeah, we had SAID we were exclusive, but we didn’t do the blood bond ands spit at the same time.. so I thought I could see other people..”
                  “ruh ruuhhhh??”

                  • ScorpionTee

                    LMFAO @ “yeah, we had SAID we were exclusive, but we didn’t do the blood bond ands spit at the same time.. so I thought I could see other people..”
                    “ruh ruuhhhh??”
                    I am in TEARSS right now!!!!

          • RG

            THIS! You never fail to hit the nail on the head.

            And herein lies the dilemma. The eternal contradiction between women and their words. This is why men learn to totally disregard what women say they want in public and understand what they really want in private. The man that’s catering to a woman’s stated desire, rather than her privately held wants is in a word…losing.

          • Qozmic

            thank you TAC … for saving me from having to ask EXACTLY that question.

        • WayUPThere

          “True but sane men seeking closure is icky to me. Regardless, the relationship has ended for whatever reason. Man up, take it as a loss and find a warm hole to drown your sorrows in. ”

          After further review and the combined facts that women tend to seek closure for lost relationships and hate when a man finds that warm hole too soon, this has been filed under #chicklogic.

          • AfroPetite

            I fully understand and accept the fact that my #chicklogic makes absolutely no sense to anyone but me and that’s fine.

          • http://www.wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

            Ima need you and the rest of your nuance challenged crew to exercise that membrane between the left and right brain. Just because you don’t understand it doesnt mean its not understandable. Many men have developed to the point where they can see a woman’s point of view and acknowledge their own contradictory desires.

            • sigma_since 93

              The problem or challenge is what side of the coin (set of criteria) will be used by your lady friend on judement day? I think men get the contradiction but tire from walking the tightrope between the two.

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

              i see what you did there and all. but you do have to admit that it’s kind of ironic to say the least. women seem to always need to know what happened in order to move on. and when they don’t get those answers it tends to frustrate the hell out of many of you all. i think we can agree that’s fact.

              somehow, a man wanting answers is wrong? ninjas like to know what’s going on too. especially if the kids are all right. lol. point is, we’re not in some vacuum where all men are dogs…but its interesing that in this situation, its almost as if afropetite WANTS me to be the dogs she thinks we are when the situations end.

              but it also inclues her washing her hands of the situation as well. just saying, your nuance-enhanced crew have some ‘splainin to do lucy.

              if it’s just a double standard, fine. but make sure you cook next time you go out with a man. lol.

              • Qozmic

                I agree Panama.

                What it boils down to is… Women are hypocritical. And they’d prefer you either not notice…or at least don’t ever call them on that shyt.

                It’s kinda like how women want a man who’s honest…as long as you sayin (and thinkin) something they want to hear come outta your mouth. Otherwise, you better be quiet.

                In this instance, they want you to sweat them on the exit… but then be okay with them gettin all indignant about how much you are sweatin them. LOL!

              • http://www.wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

                I agree. It’s a contradiction. Hypocritical. Self centered and all that. But check this. I keep hearing about this chick logic like women are the only ones to stand on both sides of a fence when it benefits them.

                Imagine my surprise and confusion when I discover that guys don’t want women to hand them easy, no games, no drama, no strings attached chex. Dudes want to game a woman into believing strings will be forthcoming so she will send away other dudes and wait, wait for the midnight text. Then get emotional when they discover they’ve been duped. If you don’t get these things, your peen ain’t too interested. But yall 24/7 talkin about all you want for Christmas is some easy chex, sans drama, sans emotional attachement.

                I officially call bull chips. You want her to resist. You want her to get attached. You want her to show emotion. You want to win at her expense. If drama ensues, so be it. So long as you win. And you will forego chex if you can’t figure a way to win.

                This ain’t bitter rantings, its been tested and proved by yours truly. Blind controls Nsh*t.

                • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

                  They run both ways. But consider this. It’s not that we don’t want “easy, no games, no drama, no strings attached chex”. I’d wager that we do. It’s just that we never believe women when they offer that up. It’s conditioning. We’d love to believe that it exists and when we meet women who swear by that mantra we are often puzzled and think that the FBI is doing a sting operation. The majority of our experiences have taught us that women dont operate well under those circumstances and that the women who swear they are able to do so, always catch feelings becase, well that’s what tends to happen.

                  Not saying its always the case, but we need signs to let us know that the earth isn’t about to explode such as those behaviors stereotypically associated with women.

                  Admittedly, and it’s something we’ve talked about here, most men don’t want he aggressive “man-like” chick in terms of her honesty about her desires and goals and hit it and quit it ness. Again, not b/c we dont actually want that, i think we’re just suspicious of it being too easy when 9.9/10, we have to put in work for it. But yes, at the end of the day, in that regard you’re right on the surface.

                  • http://www.wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

                    Now see, I believe that you believe that. But when guys actually see that they are getting what they asked for, no games, they show me that they need the games to feel manly. Because they quit answering texts right about the time it sinks in that it really truly is what they asked for. Sometimes they do it just to have some game (mental viagra). Make me wait just for the sake of. Other times they run scared. Can’t handle it. Manhood hella threatened by it.

                • http://www.wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

                  Ooh, and don’t get me started on this, I want an independent woman, I don’t buy drinks, split the check, eff gold diggers, why she fronting like she don’t need a man, throwing her career in my face, don’t know how to act like a lady, tryna think like a man isht. Nsh*t

                  • sigma_since 93

                    This is interesting based upon application. No I would not want to hear from a woman that I don’t need you because I make more than you and the freedom it enables. I don’t have a problem with yes I make more than you however, this will not retard my willingness to build and create ours.

                    Post WWII has created so many divides in male / female relationships. For example, men will tell you that they work as a means of conveying I’m willing to work / provide for us. Women who tend to thow up degrees typically are conveying I can so this without you.

                    • http://www.wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

                      So you want her to have her own, but pretend she doesn’t. Or just not mention it too much, because you don’t want to be reminded. But you like not having to carry 100% of the load, but keep at the forefront you could. If you had to. Not like you will, (or would). Its just important to say you could.

                    • sigma_since 93

                      Not at all. I understand the rules have changed any I may encounter a woman that may make more than me or have more education than me. What I would not want to happen is to be belittled because of it in the same manner a woman who is a house wife would not want to be belittled because she does not work outside the home.

                      For me it’s all about the end goal. If I must shoulder a financial obligation fine, if I need help I know you’re there rolling up your sleeves and vice versa.

                      The culture deviates from this because some dude mucked it up and used the fact he paid for something as leverage / an expectation for something; the chess move of having your own makes sense but it should not always be the go-to move just like you don’t play the big joker on the first round of a spades game.

                  • Mary J. Bennett (aka WW)

                    HI W. Cougar. I’ve read your blog and have to say that while you think you are offering men no strings attached sex, you actually aren’t. You said on your blog that you want your cubs to be your friends too and do non-sexual stuff with you like meet for coffee or a movie. To many men that translates as “attached strings”.

                    Real “no strings attached” to them means that you have sex with them when they call you for it and that’s it.

                • Imperfect

                  *church voice* Weeeeeelll!!

            • WayUPThere

              Sigma’s right. We get it. I was just giving AfroP crap. The understandable reasoning behind afro’s stance on closure is explained downthread by a comment from malik and AfroP, but I had to highlight what RG pointed out: the contradiction between women and your words and why men tend to totally disregard what woman say.

      • http://twitter.com/#!/NewYork2VA NY2VA

        I think a sane man seeking closure should be cool.

      • http://twitter.com/#!/NewYork2VA NY2VA

        I think a sane man seeking closure should be cool.

      • http://twitter.com/#!/NewYork2VA NY2VA

        I think a sane man seeking closure should be cool.

        I agree with this wholeheartedly. Men don’t usually want closure, but when they do, I think they should be obliged. I’m older and wiser and have seen what happens when men are left with festering wounds. They sometimes take their pain out on other unsuspecting women, leaving them wounded as well. My 21 year old self was sort of ruthless and had no fcuks to give, but my 37 year old self knows that the damage done by ruthless young bishes can be far reaching.

        • http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M5FR1LGsT7E TheAnti-Cool

          Thank you for getting it.

          I’m just trying to fight crime and keep the bitter man numbers low. No need to thank me. Unless you have cash. :D

        • Around the Way Girl

          I feel you on this. Good comment. As usual :)

        • http://www.wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

          I agree, but I long for the day when they can take care of themselves.

          • http://twitter.com/#!/NewYork2VA NY2VA

            But sis, aren’t we meant to take care of each other? Isn’t that what this coupling thing is all about?

            • http://www.wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

              Yeah, yeah. *rolls eyes in exasperation*

    • Qozmic

      then why not just take literally 60 seconds to break it down for dude??

      It’s not hard:

      “Look… I’m sorry, but this just isn’t gonna work out for me. I’m not interested in trying to work it out, or anything. I’ve made up my mind. We have different understandings about personal space, and frankly, you cross too many boundaries that are just deal breakers for me. I wish you well, but you and me are done. I don’t wanna discuss it any further, and I really don’t wanna make this harder than it needs to be, but I also don’t want you to go away wondering if this is truly over. It is. Good luck and Peace. ”

      I bet you could say that in UNDER 60 seconds.

      After you roll that out there like that…THEN you don’t owe the dude any further explanation, imo.

      • sigma_since 93

        What’s plan B when an individual is not satisfied with the elevator speech? THAT’S where closure requests turn left.

        • Qozmic

          Then you stop answering the phone…

          • sigma_since 93

            If not answering your phone is the end game (and you knew this before you started) why entertain having the discussion in the first place?

    • http://www.theleftsidepoets.wordpress.com MicTheMessenger

      When i was young and believed in love, my first love did me DIRTY. I was also stupid, cuz i let her lead me on for an embarrassing amount of time. I hoped awful things on her, including, but not limited to the following:
      hoped her cl!toris fell off in the toilet
      hoped her nipples turned green
      hoped her next boyfriend had a penis the size of a crayon
      I’ve since grown and realized that even trifling ppl deserve a shot at love. I wasn’t winning for hating her, so i just stopped harboring hate and focused on my happiness.

      I’ve learned that no matter how much of a man you are, there’s always that ONE WOMAN that will knock the cool clean out of your walk. I believe you were that woman for ole dude. She was mine.

      And i ain’t mad for me, or old dude. It’s way easier for us (blk men) to find love than yall (blk women).

      • http://wildcougarconfessions.com Wikd Cougar

        And i ain’t mad for me, or old dude. It’s way easier for us (blk men) to find love than yall (blk women).

        Sorry, that sounds kinda bitter.

        • http://www.theleftsidepoets.wordpress.com MicTheMessenger

          I know. Honestly, that’s where i was.

  • http://twitter.com/fixedwater fixedwater

    I haven’t sought closure in many many moons. My philosophy is all things aren’t meant to last. And just because it was good for me doesn’t mean it was for him.
    I have had a guy seek closure, and in an effort not to be cold-hearted, I don’t think he ever really got it from me, because I wasn’t as honest as he needed.
    As for her, I don’t know but would hazard a guess that she wasn’t ready to do the work to keep things going, especially since she screwed up.

  • http://TalentedGeneration.blogspot.com LegallySouthern1

    Perhaps she met a 4, 5, or 6? Since you’re a 3, maybe she saw greener pastures? Maybe she joined “the other team?”

    Its hard to conceive of situations that would lead a woman to just bail. We’re usually the ones sticking it out for way too long.

    • RG

      That was my guess. If a woman breaks ranks like this, there’s usually another man involved.

      • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

        Agreed.

      • Around the Way Girl

        Yeah. More than usually.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      i can also live with that. in fact, we weren’t together anyway…we were just kicking it for the most part. but her disappearance was just so odd. she aint even leave the money on the nightstand. she just bailed.