Lists, Pop Culture, Race & Politics, Theory & Essay

The One Where We Talk About the Best Racial Stereotypes EVER!

Racist-Dog-Granny-CartoonDo you remember how Sanka (ya dead?) was feeling very Olympic one day during Cool Runnings? Well, I’m feeling very racist today. Let’s waaaaaaaaaaade in the waaaaaaaaaters. <—racist

So the other day I was stuck in a basement, sittin’ on a tricycle. I remember at that very moment thinking, “stereotypes suck!” I almost started a Down With Stereotypes Movement (it would have been epic) but then a few things dawned on me like Palmolive (see what I did there?).

1. I actually really like stereotypes. I try to be at least 3 stereotypes per day. For instance, today, I ate some Popeye’s chicken while robbing a woman and yelled out, “I’m drankin’ watermelon watermelon.” I did all this with drugs in my pocket. YAWKYAWKYAWKYAWK.

2. While stereotypes are generally considered bad, some ACTUALLY work in your favor. Like really work. But like everything else there are levels to this. So with that in mind, I decided to run down a list of some of the BEST.STEREOTYPES.EVER. and a bit of analysis.

Who the F*CK WANT WHAT?!!?! And yes, Virginia, everyone’s a little bit racist? Have you seen Avenue Q? I totes want to see it. Who’s gonna take me? And for the record, pretty hurts.

So, class…I’ll hit a nae-nae (and even recite the periodic table) for the person who can tell me the most beneficial and bestest racial stereotype ever!

You, the white woman draggin’ that wagon!

Her: Black men don’t marry Black women! *sucks teeth at Black women trying to figure out how she got picked first*

Nope! No nae-nae for you! Pad thai maybe, call me…if you need a friend.

The most beneficial (and therefore best) racial stereotype ever is that Black men have the biggest wangs. 

Nothing new there. We all have heard this. But here’s some analysis, since as Meek Mills teaches us, there are indeed levels to this sh*t. I think this is where colorism comes into play. Let me ask you a question: Morris Chestnutt or Shemar Moore? Who would you guess is stereotypically packing the larger dong?

Class?

Morris. Because he’s the real mandingo in the family? Nobody looks at light skint men and thinks, lawdy, he’s prolly gon’ rip me to pieces. In fact, I’m sure a light skint dude with a large dong gets the “I wasn’t expecting all that.” Dark skinted dude with tiny peen? Tears of a clown. However, he’s already naked at that point so he kind of wins anyway. Bong bong. Let’s move on, shall we? We shall.

Asians are smarter than everybody else. 

Moment of Truth here: I’m not Asian. Now that we got that out of the way, many moons ago (was that racist?) while in grad school while talking to a friend of Asian descent – I literally have no idea what descent that is, by the way – told me how much it sucked that people think she’s smart. Which only sucks if you ain’t. Granted, that’s a lot of pressure, but I told her that I’d rather be considered smart than a criminal. She said she hadn’t thought about that before, presumably because nobody has ever asked her to help them commit a felony…which has happened to me. Recently. No lie no lie no lieeeeeieieieieeie. Which says something. To others, all Black men probably do look alike, which means to other races I might look like I’m the real mandingo in the family even if my sisters are like, nope. Black women. Terrible.

Jewish people are all rich.

Or as Mos Def (Yasiin Bey) said, “tall Israelis are runnin’ this rap sh*t”. (Notice other stereotypes aren’t stereotypically sexist in nature, they’re actually postive in, like, life and sh*t). Can I be real with y’all for a momento? Or uno momento? OR something. I know that Jewish people are a big thing up north (racist much?), but down South I’m sure there around but I never really paid attention. So that whole Jewish people are rich thing was new to me when I got to be around actual Jewish people. I just felt like sharing. Plus I didn’t want to share that other thing Jewish people are famous for. You know the one.

Mexicans are the hardest workers ever. 

I only personally know like 3 Mexicans. Two of them are actually lazy as f*ck and the other has a Ph.D.. But that doesn’t stop this from being one of those backhanded complimentary best stereotypes ever! Because when you need work done? Who do you to seek out at Home Depot! Mexicans! You ain’t looking for Jamal. He might rob you RIGHT after he moves your television into your house and you can’t pay him in Corona. I’m sorry, that was racist.

This should be enough to get the ball rolling, which was my point. Because Black man…balls.

Ya know, sports. RACISM!

So what are the best racial stereotypes you can think of?? It’s Friday. Race on, my peole. We do this for la raza.

(I’m actually excited to see what ads pop up for a post like this. Because I’m racist.)

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Filed Under:
Damon Young

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

  • http://vagabondaesthetics.tumblr.com/ Ricky

    When in integrated schools you’re never picked last in gym because you’re Black.

    • Sahel

      I hear you man. And the one where all black guys can’t swim lmao

      • SororSalsa

        Oh man…I SO messed that stereotype up when I was a kid. My dad made us learn when I was 3. We were the only black kids at the pool.

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

      And the inverse, I always picked a shaggy haired white kid and assumed he could shoot 3s

    • Keisha

      That’s true. Whether it was a game of tag, dodgeball, or basketball you’re always one of the first.

    • panamajackson

      There’s also levels to this…b/c I only started getting picked sooner in bball games when folsk realized that the extra tiny ninja could actually ball. I had glasses and was short. It wasn’t until I started mixin’ ninjas up that folks were like…okay, he ain’t a first rounder…but he’s definitely making the squad.

      • LMNOP

        If they’re picking you after finding out you can play, that’s kind of the opposite of a stereotype.

        • panamajackson

          I know. that’s my point. i didnt win with the black person stereotype. I won with the, okay, he can actually ball stereotype.

          • LMNOP

            ” he can actually ball stereotype”

            And I know you know this is not actually what stereotype means at all.

            • panamajackson

              I do. I’m pretty sure I didn’t mean to type stereotype there. Thank you for pointing that out though. I appreciate you making sure I’m not secretly dumb. lol

  • ratchet d-Ibaka

    I don’t know about Morris and Shemar. Could care less for the latter, what I do know is that Ibaka is packing the whole motherland and it’s no lie, no lie, no lieieieieieieieieie.

    The Spurs played with a vengeance tonite, like they were baying for blood! Loved every minute of it.

    • Sahel

      What,no suits commentary today

      • ratchet d-Ibaka

        nope. Haven’t been watching it.

    • http://vagabondaesthetics.tumblr.com/ Ricky

      You are foolishness.

    • Keisha

      “Ibaka is packing the whole motherland and it’s no lie, no lie, no lieieieieieieieieie”…lol, right.
      They played very well! GO SPURS GO!!! :-)

    • panamajackson

      I don’t even know what else to say to this. But I hate Serge Ibaka so there’s that.

      • Yoles

        blasphemy
        STRIKE ONE

      • ratchet d-Ibaka

        Why would you harbor hate for such a somebody? Like, you jealous?

        • panamajackson

          He punched Blake Griffin in the balls. On the court. I dont know sh*t about that mans politics, but he’s a dirty n*gga.

          • ratchet d-Ibaka

            Loll!!! He stay punching, breaking noses and what not. He should have never broken up with Miss Keri baby. It’s the angst and frustration of it all.

  • kidvideo

    Damn Hawaiians with their coconuts, and Famous Amos Cookies…

    Always laing random people.

    • Val

      Don’t forget about Hawaiians and Spam. Oh wait, that’s not a stereotype. Hawaiians love Spam.

      • Sahel

        Noted. Hawaiians love spam

      • panamajackson

        I wasn’t aware of this. At all. Did you know there’s a spam museum. For the record, I’m not against spam. I’ve been poor.

        • 321mena123

          It’s not about being poor in Hawaii. That is like their national food. They LOVE spam.

        • Tx10inch

          If you ever see how it’s made, you will be….

          • panamajackson

            I’m an ignorance is bliss kind of guy.

        • Val

          Yep, I heard about the Spam museum. There are a lot of crazy museums out there.

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

      And their ham and pineapple pizza, that I loathe because apparently I need to smoke loud to like it

      • IcePrincess

        Hawaiian pizza is my fave! Ur missing out .

        • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

          Pork and fruit is an abomination I say

          • Kema

            I agree… well on a pizza. A baked ham without pineapple?

          • Tx10inch

            Mayne, yall missin out! I don’t eat tha swine but Papa John’s chicken and pineapple pizza go hard in tha paint.

          • IcePrincess

            Looool so u don’t like the traditional glazed ham wit da pineapples & cloves? Mmmmm….ham….nom nom nom

  • Msdebbs

    We’re more than EBT cards, baby daddies and hair weaves…..AND I”M TIRED OF BEING FOLLOWED IN STORES!!

    http://www.professu.com/black-women-are-ranked-the-most-educated-group-by-race-gender/

    • Keisha

      I’m tired of getting followed in stores too. At least now they make more of an effort to hide it by asking me every 2.5 minutes if I need help with something. :-/

    • panamajackson

      Here’s an interesting thing: I don’t know if I have stopped being followed, or if I’ just stopped paying attention to being followd. OR if I’ve just stopped shopping at places…where they follow you.

      I just hurt my head.

      • Epsilonicus

        ” I’ just stopped paying attention to being followd. OR if I’ve just stopped shopping at places.”

        That is where I am at in life.

  • ASayWhat

    I literally don’t know what this means…

    “Who the F*CK WANT WHAT?!!?! And yes, Virginia, everyone’s a little bit racist? Have you seen Avenue Q? I totes want to see it. Who’s gonna take me? And for the record, pretty hurts.

    So, class…I’ll hit a nae-nae (and even recite the periodic table) for the person who can tell me the most beneficial and bestest racial stereotype ever!

    You, the white woman draggin’ that wagon!

    Her: Black men don’t marry Black women! *sucks teeth at Black women trying to figure out how she got picked first*

    Nope! No nae-nae for you! Pad thai maybe, call me…if you need a friend.”

    Can someone explain?

    • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

      He asked a question, answered his own question using a make believe white woman, who answered incorrectly

    • panamajackson

      It was a convo I had with myself and the audience. Welcome to the wonderful world of Panama Jackson’s mind.

      • ratchet d-Ibaka

        I think you and I would have a blast talking maaaaad shiit.

  • Sahel

    The one that annoys me the most is that black people drive down property prices

    • Boo Radley

      Racists selling at a loss because they are so desperate to get away from the coloreds drive down property prices.

  • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

    Ah, the “Jewish people are rich” stereotype is, well…rich. :) I remember a few years back, I had to make the trip down to the Brooklyn welfare office for my now-ex-wife (Woohoo!) in order to drop off some paperwork for her disability claim. No exaggeration, about 2/3rds of the people waiting for services were Jewish. Also, if you go in the right Jewish neighborhood, you’ll see apartments with a husband, wife and nine kids living off of a part-time job. In New York, poor Jewish people are a big deal, if only because they have kids like it’s 1820 and no one had ever thought of birth control. Oh, and the poorest city in the United States is a 100% Jewish town an hour’s drive north of Manhattan. Though thanks to small amounts of intermarriage, it isn’t 100% White.

    The Mexican stereotype is real…for this generation. It takes a certain kind of person to hike across miles of hot desert just to take a job mowing people’s lawns. You think their American-born kids are working that hard? Ninja please! And look at areas where the Mexicans have been around for a hot minute. They’re just as lazy as the rest of us.

    Smart Asians though? Pshaw! Just son them a few times on that brains ish, and that’ll end that. Ask me how I know…(And where has PA been?)

    But, on the stereotype that Black men have big wangs…f*ck you! No, I mean f*ck you! I’m a single dad, and I’m sick of people looking at me like I’m some dark skin Tyler Perry movie hero. I need to get laid playa! And the stereotype helps overcome that BS. I-I…I mean, damn playa! The big wang thing is the only thing allowing me to…
    http://static.comicvine.com/uploads/original/12/128795/2839206-keep_hope_alive_.jpg

    • LMNOP

      Huge families are expensive and so they’re more likely to be poor. I think that’s a lot of the issue with the large orthodox Jewish families? And is the town you’re talking about in rockland county?

      • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

        The one I linked to is in Orange County, though Rockland County has a similar issue. It’s gotten to the point that a lot of Jewish groups are trying to figure out what to do. The NY area is one of the few parts of the world where you have different kinds of Jewish neighborhoods, and the only thing they have in common are the presence of synagogues and Kosher food.

    • HUgrad13

      Are you talking about Kiryas Joel (I probably should look at the article). I grew up by there. Biggest a-holes you will ever meet in your entire life……ever

  • Freebird

    White girls are freaks and sexually free: Next to Asians being smart I think this is the win. It must help those who want to live out a few naughty desires before becoming virtuous suburban wives.

    The most fortunate stereotype for black men might be about fighting. On second thought this one might be getting us killed.

    • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

      Rhode Island 10pixel? ROTFLMAO! Hey, you could move past the BBC stereotype and have the Channel 4 D. #seewhatididthere

      • Guest

        you’ve been in the life, i can tell. ever use aff?

        • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

          AFF is a waste of money. I would get better use withdrawing whatever cash I would spend on AFF and burning it. At least I would get a source of warmth out of it. :) Depending on whether you’re more people focused or event focused, I can recommend some other options…

          • Freebird

            i was curious about it and figured you might know something. i might take you up on that homie.

        • Kema

          What is aff?

          • http://www.twitter.com/IluminatiNYC Todd

            AFF = AdultFriendFinder. And you can guess that it isn’t for Scrabble or Bible study. :)

  • http://stanoffewwords.wordpress.com/ Tristan

    -being the youngest black guy at my office, everything I do has an aura of cool…closest I’ll ever feel to being an NBA player getting off the bus and acting like I don’t see cameras on me
    -Sean Patrick Thomas made it easier for dark brothers to get at white women
    - I love when I wear a fitted of a random team or a graphic tee of a band and blow ppl away when I can play a fake knowledgable fan

  • Tentpole

    DUMB BLONDE