Lists, Pop Culture, Theory & Essay

The One About Self-Awareness.


I remember the first time I heard the theory that people are more intimately familiar with who they think they are than who they actually are. Okay, that’s not true at all. I don’t remember when I first heard it, but I do know that when I heard it I immediately said to myself, “self, that’s true”. It makes sense if you think about it. We spend so much time thinking about who we want to be and how we think we come across that reality is like getting slapped in the face with one of Aretha’s areolas, your two ho’s, and a bottle of rum.

With that in mind, over the course of time I’ve come to some conclusions about myself based on what I thought I wanted or who I thought I was and how reality is playing itself out. Some way down like where the signifying monkey used to hang out. Others more shallow than Kim Kardashian in a kiddie pool kickin’ it with two koalas on Koval.


I thought I wanted to be one of those folks who likes to have deep conversations. It turns out that I want to be one of the people who has deep conversations about ignorant sh*t.

You know Savon from Love Jones? Yeah, I want to be him, except talking about thongs and the importance of Puffy to the fabric of society. But I SO want there to be a drum present. When I buy a house, one of the first things I’m doing is going drum shopping so I can have a truly Black household. All convos will include the drum. I want to talk about how Kool-Aid is truly the key to life and pop culture. I don’t want to talk about important things unless I feel like it. And only on special occasions…like when white people are present. Or in front of Barack Obama, though I’m fairly certain I’d probably talk a little ignant around Obama. The man sings Al Green songs for cripe’s sake. He cool.

I thought I wanted to date women with big hair who had the big hair angst and social justice guilt and conscience who were artsy and blah blah blah. It turns out I just like big hair.

Seems that I couldn’t care about their activism. I just like big hair. Hell, I might actually prefer big haired bougie women. The type with big hair and Coach bags who are as superficial as chicks with perms. I just wanna lay in their hair without the guilt of recycling. Basically, while I love Freddie from A Different World, I’m sure she would have gotten on my last damn nerves when I told her that I thought “Rack City” was empowering to women.

I thought that because I’m a writer and a rapper and an author and talker and because I communicate often I was a good communicator. It turns out that’s not true.

So, despite my uber sharing ass nature, in intimate settings, I can be quite walled off and anti-vulnerable. How’s that for some sh*t that makes no sense. I’m like the Great Communicator Of Useless Information When It Matters Least. I’m Alex Trebek for Dummies. For Relationships.

I thought that majority of my relationships ended because of compatibility issues. It turns out that most of them probably stem from that little communication problem I just shared a few lines ago. No coca-ina.

Now that’s not to say that every relationship that ended didn’t need to end, they probably did. But my inability to communicate properly was probably as culpable for the beginning of the end as any compatibility issue or constant nuisance that I either created or initially found cute but eventually found grating.

I thought that I was one of the few mixed kids who didn’t have an identity issues. It turns out that I do.

Yeah, I can’t decide if I f*ckin’ rock or if I’m f*ckin’ awesome. It’s a conflict that only people of my pedigree can fully appreciate. It’s hard out here for an cool mulatto. Or a culatto.

I often thought that because I was enlightened that I was above certain negativitisms. Turns out my enlightenment helps to inform my ignorance.

This woman cut me off in traffic today. I didn’t call her a b*tch while shaking my fist in my car behind my glass windows. Nope, I called her a wench. Mostly because I like the word and second because I thought calling a woman a b*tch because she’s a woman who pissed me off would make me like every other ignorant man. So wench it was, which I’m fairly certain achieves the EXACT same end as the b-word. I felt bad. But if I didn’t read, I don’t think I’d know the w-word either. Damn you education system for teaching me how to get around general use pejoratives for learned ones! I definitely call ni**as the n-word though.

Anyway, those are some of my self-awarenesses. Sharing is caring people. What you got?


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Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

  • Iamnotakata

    Self awareness check…. I discovered earlier this evening at the gym when some guy approached me thinking he was enlightening me on an exercise I know works…..I’ve discovered that I don’t like to be told what to do (even if its to my benefit)…because the second I realized he was attempting to tell me different than what I knew, I stopped listening… So I have concluded I am a know it all…well when it comes to health and fitness…I’m an exercise physiologist what can I say?

  • demondog06

    ha! i have absolutely nothing to contribute…i just wanna be first.
    did i win?

  •!/mackaroto Jay

    I just wanna lay in their hair without the guilt of recycling.

    LMFAO. Nice. I too lose my sh*t around women with big, natural hair.

  • That Ugly Kid

    1. The frequent uses of sarcasm and apathy during conversations with friends makes me an azz.

    2. That people judge short males (like myself) more negatively than tall males. I’ll explain this one if you’re confused.

    3. I tell jokes a lot because I like to keep people smiling, happy. I love making others laugh. Apparently this also means I’m incapable of being taken seriously.

    4. I care about what people think way more than I should. I like to think I don’t, but I do. My appearance a “soft spot”, so to speak.

    5. I’ve been hopelessly in love with Jennifer Love Hewitt and Scarlett Johannsen for a while now. I just didn’t want to admit it.

    6. I’m protective of my female friends. I’m always there to help them in their time of need. Not because I desire a reward, but because I genuinely want to make sure they’re happy. Not sure if this is good or bad, as I’ve been called “soft” for this.

    7. Might have a man-crush on Dwayne Johnson. Dude is awesome.

  • Aaron Smarter

    Why do I feel like I was being described in detail,

    minus the culatto part?

    I’m not cool, nor (to the best of my knowledge) mulatto.


  • Mo-VSS

    You recognize (and often condemn) certain character flaws of other people because see some of them in yourself. That’s something I realized early in life. I used to hate liars until I realized I was among the best of them. I’m not a general, everyday type liar but when caught in a lie…I used to have a tendency to lie more. *shrugs* Now I just realize I have the ability to lie and that revelation makes me better because I’m not lying to myself about being a liar. Yeah…all that.

    I used to think I didn’t like bad boys but I lied (see!). I really do. I’m like a bad boy advocate. I’m always secretly rooting for the bad boy in a relationship to turn good. Not necessarily in my own life, but in the lives of others. I have no idea why I want this but I do…just not for my own life. lol

    Oh, and I used to fashion myself as a light-skint chick until people told me I was brown. And then I used to fashion myself as brown until someone else told me I was light-skint. So…to that end I have no idea where on the color spectrum fit (I’m lying again…see, dammit!) but in my head, I’m brown :)

  • dd

    “You recognize (and often condemn) certain character flaws of other people because see some of them in yourself.” This is so painfully true

  • African Mami

    My foolishness self awareness journey:

    In college, I was that SERIOUS girl who was all about getting an education, and going back to Africa. Was into deep intelligent conversation. I rocked a mean short natural hair cut, talked the Oxford dictionary-still do, but I know it doesn’t come across that way, whenever I put my fingers to this keyboard, type and press post, a comment. I was very vocal about activist issues, as they pertain to women, the motherland, and overall inhumane issues.

    Thereabout, I forgot that I was FUNNY! That I LOVED and know how to laugh until my bones ache! That it was A-OKAY to make jokes about Africa and its problems, that it was A-OKAY to be VERY UTTERLY and highly mightly so FOOLISH.

    Then, I got or should I say reclaimed my foolish back. It had been stolen away by life’s travails, BUT I’ve decided that from this point forward, I have to look at issues from a foolishness perspective, or else loose it in the midst of it all.

    I can hold a mean intelligent conversation-I know *WOWZER*! But, I choose not to, because it is DEATHLY BORING! My calling is FOOLISHNESS and I have accepted humor as my personal savior. I really don’t give a fug if I come across as stoooooooooooopid. Self awareness, is about YOU not THEM.

    Jammy Jams, I really do have to say I enjoyed this post thoroughly and you can see why. You like BIG HUURRRR. Dat’s wassup, coz dis sista right hurr got dat fro that looks like a tempur pedic mattress with soft landing capabilities.

  • Dignan

    One of the hardest lessons in my life is that when I was young I believed that I could change myself and turn myself into the person that I want to be. Didn’t work. At around age 33, I discovered that I’ma have to get comfortable with being the man that I am.

    And that was some difficult ish! I’m still not quite comfortable with it, but, as the man said in Spinal Tap, I would be much more bothered by the whole thing if I wasn’t under heavy sedation.

  • Malik

    I used to think I was as well adjusted as the average person can be. Turns out I have all the narcissism, perfectionism, societal “otherness”, and anxiety as other military brats.

    I used to think that because I enjoyed reading I could pick up any book and enjoy and dissect it. Turns out I can’t really pay attention to story lines that well, even when I’m loving what’s going on. My preference is to read out of order and dissect the information based on what I find most compelling so non-fiction books have been the most compelling to me.

    I used to think that I was very apathetic towards other human beings. Turns out I can empathize very well. I can listen for hours, but never talk about myself.

    Thought I was handsome. Turns out I was just really, really pretty.

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