The One About Self-Awareness.

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I see PRIDE! I see POWER! I SEE A BAD ASS MUDDA WHO DON'T TAKE NO CRAP OFFA NOBODY!!!!

I remember the first time I heard the theory that people are more intimately familiar with who they think they are than who they actually are. Okay, that’s not true at all. I don’t remember when I first heard it, but I do know that when I heard it I immediately said to myself, “self, that’s true”. It makes sense if you think about it. We spend so much time thinking about who we want to be and how we think we come across that reality is like getting slapped in the face with one of Aretha’s areolas, your two ho’s, and a bottle of rum.

With that in mind, over the course of time I’ve come to some conclusions about myself based on what I thought I wanted or who I thought I was and how reality is playing itself out. Some way down like where the signifying monkey used to hang out. Others more shallow than Kim Kardashian in a kiddie pool kickin’ it with two koalas on Koval.

Allons-y.

I thought I wanted to be one of those folks who likes to have deep conversations. It turns out that I want to be one of the people who has deep conversations about ignorant sh*t.

You know Savon from Love Jones? Yeah, I want to be him, except talking about thongs and the importance of Puffy to the fabric of society. But I SO want there to be a drum present. When I buy a house, one of the first things I’m doing is going drum shopping so I can have a truly Black household. All convos will include the drum. I want to talk about how Kool-Aid is truly the key to life and pop culture. I don’t want to talk about important things unless I feel like it. And only on special occasions…like when white people are present. Or in front of Barack Obama, though I’m fairly certain I’d probably talk a little ignant around Obama. The man sings Al Green songs for cripe’s sake. He cool.

I thought I wanted to date women with big hair who had the big hair angst and social justice guilt and conscience who were artsy and blah blah blah. It turns out I just like big hair.

Seems that I couldn’t care about their activism. I just like big hair. Hell, I might actually prefer big haired bougie women. The type with big hair and Coach bags who are as superficial as chicks with perms. I just wanna lay in their hair without the guilt of recycling. Basically, while I love Freddie from A Different World, I’m sure she would have gotten on my last damn nerves when I told her that I thought “Rack City” was empowering to women.

I thought that because I’m a writer and a rapper and an author and talker and because I communicate often I was a good communicator. It turns out that’s not true.

So, despite my uber sharing ass nature, in intimate settings, I can be quite walled off and anti-vulnerable. How’s that for some sh*t that makes no sense. I’m like the Great Communicator Of Useless Information When It Matters Least. I’m Alex Trebek for Dummies. For Relationships.

I thought that majority of my relationships ended because of compatibility issues. It turns out that most of them probably stem from that little communication problem I just shared a few lines ago. No coca-ina.

Now that’s not to say that every relationship that ended didn’t need to end, they probably did. But my inability to communicate properly was probably as culpable for the beginning of the end as any compatibility issue or constant nuisance that I either created or initially found cute but eventually found grating.

I thought that I was one of the few mixed kids who didn’t have an identity issues. It turns out that I do.

Yeah, I can’t decide if I f*ckin’ rock or if I’m f*ckin’ awesome. It’s a conflict that only people of my pedigree can fully appreciate. It’s hard out here for an cool mulatto. Or a culatto.

I often thought that because I was enlightened that I was above certain negativitisms. Turns out my enlightenment helps to inform my ignorance.

This woman cut me off in traffic today. I didn’t call her a b*tch while shaking my fist in my car behind my glass windows. Nope, I called her a wench. Mostly because I like the word and second because I thought calling a woman a b*tch because she’s a woman who pissed me off would make me like every other ignorant man. So wench it was, which I’m fairly certain achieves the EXACT same end as the b-word. I felt bad. But if I didn’t read, I don’t think I’d know the w-word either. Damn you education system for teaching me how to get around general use pejoratives for learned ones! I definitely call ni**as the n-word though.

Anyway, those are some of my self-awarenesses. Sharing is caring people. What you got?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. STEAL YOUR CURL aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

660 thoughts on “The One About Self-Awareness.”

  1. Self awareness check…. I discovered earlier this evening at the gym when some guy approached me thinking he was enlightening me on an exercise I know works…..I’ve discovered that I don’t like to be told what to do (even if its to my benefit)…because the second I realized he was attempting to tell me different than what I knew, I stopped listening… So I have concluded I am a know it all…well when it comes to health and fitness…I’m an exercise physiologist what can I say?

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  3. I just wanna lay in their hair without the guilt of recycling.

    LMFAO. Nice. I too lose my sh*t around women with big, natural hair.

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    • Jay on behalf of all big hair ladies, I thank thee.

      In my experiences, 2520’s love the big natural hair too. I had a dude nervously approach me as I was walking out of class to say I forgot my notebook. When I went back to class there was no notebook on my desk, I gave him the O_o and he admitted he lied and just wanted to tell me he thought I was purdy and had purdy hair. Had a girl wanting to fluff her afro and rub shea butter in it. Too bad he was so shy.

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      • @ Think2Inspire

        Yes 2 all that you said. Dem white bois be goin nuts, dem black bois be calling me empress, African queen, Nubian goddess..

        Had this fellow once, stop and wax poetry to me on the streets. That was a dope moment. I love poetry so of course I engaged him in the madness.

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        • Jealous! When my hair is natural it looks a hot mess! I perm it and then when I get, “Damn, your hair is so long and pretty” I feel as if I am everything that is wrong with the world… but if it was natural? You wouldn’t let me leave the house.

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      • My first instinct when someone tells me I’ve misplaced something is to check where it usually is kept.

        “Hey, you left your phone” -> pat my pockets.

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      • weird, i get more compliments on my hair when my new growth is outta control than i do when the dreads are freshly tightened. always baffles me.
        The compliments are nice, just don’t touch my hair…that’s rude and depending on where your hands have been, very disgusting.

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  4. 1. The frequent uses of sarcasm and apathy during conversations with friends makes me an azz.

    2. That people judge short males (like myself) more negatively than tall males. I’ll explain this one if you’re confused.

    3. I tell jokes a lot because I like to keep people smiling, happy. I love making others laugh. Apparently this also means I’m incapable of being taken seriously.

    4. I care about what people think way more than I should. I like to think I don’t, but I do. My appearance a “soft spot”, so to speak.

    5. I’ve been hopelessly in love with Jennifer Love Hewitt and Scarlett Johannsen for a while now. I just didn’t want to admit it.

    6. I’m protective of my female friends. I’m always there to help them in their time of need. Not because I desire a reward, but because I genuinely want to make sure they’re happy. Not sure if this is good or bad, as I’ve been called “soft” for this.

    7. Might have a man-crush on Dwayne Johnson. Dude is awesome.

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    • Jennifer Love Hewitt’s body is awesome.

      And if only I could give some of my “don’t give a f-k about what you think” attitude to others in exchange for the more compassionate caring alternative, I’d do so in a heartbeat. It isn’t easy being so uncaring. lol

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      • “Jennifer Love Hewitt’s body is awesome.”

        I KNOW! And I remember that time when the media tried to call her fat because she grew some azz. I was like, “WHA?!?!?” No wonder why you clowns don’t appreciate the beauty of a curvaceous black woman. Because you think JLH, whose body is tame compared to our standards, is fat?! I can’t even…

        Also, I tend to be an uncaring person in general. But when it comes to my appearance it’s a different story. Which is why I get envious of my much less attractive (that’s my homie, but I can admit this), much less fashion savvy friend when we hang out. He’s happy as f*ck and could care about the fact that people make fun of his attire.

        I’m not saying that I wear what everyone else wears, I don’t. Well, I didn’t until the hipster style became popular. I mean, I was the guy rocking the big azz glasses (that actually have perscription lenses in them), sweaters, and ties before everyone did. But now I care too much about what people COULD be thinking about me.

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        • I can’t ride with you on JLH (although she doesn’t look bad in Client List…that’s her, right?), but I’ve been all-in on ScarJo since Iron Man 2. She might be as much a reason as anything else for me to see Avengers again.

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    • # 2. I have to admit, I DO have problems with short men,not even, I have major BEEF, PORK, FISH and FRIED CHICKEN issues with most of the short men I’ve met.
      I’m sorry BUT lawwwwwwd hammmmercy. I have stories for days.

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      • ” I have major BEEF, PORK, FISH and FRIED CHICKEN issues with most of the short men I’ve met”

        LMAO!!!!!

        I have to admit though, I prefer men 5’7″ -5’11″ (and 5’11″ is kinda pushin it lol), I hate craning my neck to look up all the time. I’ve dated a couple of guys who were over 6 feet & I just wasn’t feelin’ the lankiness/ feelin’ short next to them.

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        • Oh I’m not. My arms are slightly longer than usual so I can reach the top shelves of everything.

          *Retreats into his thoughts.*

          Inner Conscious: You f*cking retard. She’s not talking about your gotd*mn arms. She’s referring to your peen.

          Me: My peen? You mean the entity known as Galactus The Ultimate Destroyher? Oohhh, thanks, bro.

          Inner Conscious: Whatever.

          *Exits thoughts.*

          Oh you mean “that”? I don’t like to toot my own horn. Which is why I bought these enormous, top of the line speakers with surround sound. Yea I’ve been known to cause a few solar eclipses here and there. I could tell you about this one time when I fell face first in the dirt and created what you humans now call The Grand Canyon. Or about those times when a new crater mysteriously appears on the face of the moon everytime I get an erection. But…I won’t.

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    • “7. Might have a man-crush on Dwayne Johnson. Dude is awesome.”

      Le sigh. The People’s eyebrow gets me every time.

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    • @TUK
      A. Weren’t you the very one who last week DENIED that men actually have “man-crushes”…TO THE ARCHIVES!!

      B. Don’t EVEN get me started on how I, if requested, would meticulously fill as many styrofoam cups as it would take, to make freeze cups out of Scarlett Johannsen’s bath water and eat one every afternoon.

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      • Actually no lol. I was the one who admitted back then as well, that I admired Dwayne Johnson. And that I wanted a tattoo just like his, but on my right side.

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      • I applaud your bath water comment. She was always pretty to me, but after I was forced to watch He’s Just Not That Into You, I believed all females who forced their men to watch that movie made a terrible mistake. Because now they shall forever be compared to “that hot friend who was literally trapped in the closet” that is Scarlet Johannsen.

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    • “2. That people judge short males (like myself) more negatively than tall males. I’ll explain this one if you’re confused.”

      Please expound, sir. As a tall man, I’d like to hear this one.

      “3. I tell jokes a lot because I like to keep people smiling, happy. I love making others laugh. Apparently this also means I’m incapable of being taken seriously.”

      This is me all day and day!!! The funny thing is that no one takes me seriously either- at least until they see me in one of my really bad mood swings! Then they avoid me like the plague, LMAO!

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      • “Please expound, sir. As a tall man, I’d like to hear this one.”

        Aight I’ll give you a few examples.

        A 6’2″ male with a short temper is just considered a jerk. A 5’5″ guy with the same temper is automatically seen as having a Napoleon complex. Or, a more notable example, a 5’5″ dude who drives a Hummer will automatically be seen as trying to overcompensate for something. A 6’2″ dude who drives the same vehicle? Oh, he just likes Hummers then.

        Basically, people assume all short men base their life decisions around their height, or assume our “negative” behavior is due to our height. Big house? Oh the little guy’s overcompensating. Big car? Same thing. Like to rock big hairstyles like afros and such? He’s insecure about his height so he’s trying to make himself seem taller.

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        • “Basically, people assume all short men base their life decisions around their height, or assume our “negative” behavior is due to our height.”

          I’ve heard a lot about that. Ironically, those very accusations are coming from short women- go figure…

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          • I’m NOT short, and those reasons are LEGITIMATE. I’ve seen them being played out right in front of my eyes. I avoid short men like the plague, because them and I run into prollllems. Egos get hurt.

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          • *stand on step stool and speaks for the shorties*

            It is not ironic because short women do not feel the same pressure to be be tall.

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        • TUK makes some excellent points though. Why won’t women let short men just live? And why must all their behavior be based on the fact that they’re short? lol, Would that be classified as pop psychology? Assuming that all or most of a person’s decisions be made off of their stature (or any other physical characteristic that’s socially perceived as a flaw) doesn’t seem particularly scientific lol (Men do this with women too. She just bitter cause she ugly/flat chested/funny shaped etc;)

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    • Dwayne Johnson used to be hot before he decided to look like the hulk. Neck veins popping, can’t turn his head mutant looking mofo. It’s just Eww. I told his azz on Twitter he needs to leave the roids alone, but he ain’t studying me.

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      • you forgot to add in the pointed head. Head look like a blunt pencil point on those big pencils kindergarteners used to use back in the day.

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      • Yea, his current look is because he’s preparing for a movie role. It stars him and Mark Wahlberg, who play body builders in the movie. That’s why he’s all Hulk’d up.

        Speaking of Hulk, The Avengers is the best superhero movie of all time and the Hulk is a f*cking beast. That is all.

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        • Do you think I would like this if I know absolutely nothing about these characters or any superhero really? I want to see it but am afraid I won’t know what the hell is happening.

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    • “I tell jokes a lot because I like to keep people smiling, happy. I love making others laugh. Apparently this also means I’m incapable of being taken seriously.”

      I have that same problem. I’ve even heard it makes me “undateable.” LOL?

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      • Since I’m still unsure as to how to respond to compliments, I’ve compiled a list of responses I think are approriate. Choose the one that you to receive:

        The Overbearing Sweetheart: I’m amazing? Thank you, so much! And I must say, you are particularly ravishing! Intellect, humor, wit, and stunning beauty!

        The Apathetic Kid: So?

        The Narcissistic Jerk: Amazing?! B*tch, I know this! You telling me like I don’t got mirrors at the crib!

        Pessimist: No I’m not. I’m atrocious!

        The New Yorker: Amazing? Nah, son! What’s amazing is our muthaf*ckin rats, kid! Yo, our sh*ts be THIS big *points to nearest Volkswagon Beetle*. Word is bond, son!

        Robin: Holy Buttf*ck on a stick, Batman! Thanks!

        The Cool Kid: Hey thanks and sh*t.

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  5. Why do I feel like I was being described in detail,

    minus the culatto part?

    I’m not cool, nor (to the best of my knowledge) mulatto.

    *weeps*

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  6. You recognize (and often condemn) certain character flaws of other people because see some of them in yourself. That’s something I realized early in life. I used to hate liars until I realized I was among the best of them. I’m not a general, everyday type liar but when caught in a lie…I used to have a tendency to lie more. *shrugs* Now I just realize I have the ability to lie and that revelation makes me better because I’m not lying to myself about being a liar. Yeah…all that.

    I used to think I didn’t like bad boys but I lied (see!). I really do. I’m like a bad boy advocate. I’m always secretly rooting for the bad boy in a relationship to turn good. Not necessarily in my own life, but in the lives of others. I have no idea why I want this but I do…just not for my own life. lol

    Oh, and I used to fashion myself as a light-skint chick until people told me I was brown. And then I used to fashion myself as brown until someone else told me I was light-skint. So…to that end I have no idea where on the color spectrum fit (I’m lying again…see, dammit!) but in my head, I’m brown :)

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  7. “You recognize (and often condemn) certain character flaws of other people because see some of them in yourself.” This is so painfully true

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    • Yes. Its that old saying ” There’s something about you that I don’t like in myself.”

      Makes for great sex too when it happens between two people who are always “disliking” each other.

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  8. My foolishness self awareness journey:

    In college, I was that SERIOUS girl who was all about getting an education, and going back to Africa. Was into deep intelligent conversation. I rocked a mean short natural hair cut, talked the Oxford dictionary-still do, but I know it doesn’t come across that way, whenever I put my fingers to this keyboard, type and press post, a comment. I was very vocal about activist issues, as they pertain to women, the motherland, and overall inhumane issues.

    Thereabout, I forgot that I was FUNNY! That I LOVED and know how to laugh until my bones ache! That it was A-OKAY to make jokes about Africa and its problems, that it was A-OKAY to be VERY UTTERLY and highly mightly so FOOLISH.

    Then, I got or should I say reclaimed my foolish back. It had been stolen away by life’s travails, BUT I’ve decided that from this point forward, I have to look at issues from a foolishness perspective, or else loose it in the midst of it all.

    I can hold a mean intelligent conversation-I know *WOWZER*! But, I choose not to, because it is DEATHLY BORING! My calling is FOOLISHNESS and I have accepted humor as my personal savior. I really don’t give a fug if I come across as stoooooooooooopid. Self awareness, is about YOU not THEM.

    Jammy Jams, I really do have to say I enjoyed this post thoroughly and you can see why. You like BIG HUURRRR. Dat’s wassup, coz dis sista right hurr got dat fro that looks like a tempur pedic mattress with soft landing capabilities.

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    • I don’t think you are foolish at all. I think that you have the rare ability to make very serious points using humor and wit.

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      • uh oh, farrrrrizy?! thanks…..never heard dat, imma take it and run away!!! look downthread if you don’t understand why I am a night runner with compliments.

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    • “I can hold a mean intelligent conversation-I know *WOWZER*! But, I choose not to, because it is DEATHLY BORING!”

      Well that’s too darn bad, because you’re going to start today young lady!
      *Makes African Mami watch C-SPAN*

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      • boo,

        hey hey hey!!!!! American news is NOTenticing to me. Al Jazeera/BBC right up my alley.——->haven’t even watched them for the past prolly 5 years. Jesus take the wheel.

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    • This is why you are my fembooboo!!!!!! College burned me the eff out on all that deep ish… I just can’t do it anymore, making people think I’m apathetic or dumb or lazy. Nah, n*gga, I’m just over it!!!!! Pass the punch.

      P.S. You never sound stupid. Shut up girl!!

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      • Yeah, I gave up on it too. It wasn’t even close to being worth the effort. You can’t re-program people and life is too short to stay stressed like that. Now I only have those conversations with people who actually want to help and know enough of the basics to follow me on my views/opinions. They have to be smart enough to know what’s actually going on before we can even begin to talk about causes and solutions to the problems. Most people don’t qualify so I just don’t go there anymore (even when provoked). It’s just not worth it

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  9. One of the hardest lessons in my life is that when I was young I believed that I could change myself and turn myself into the person that I want to be. Didn’t work. At around age 33, I discovered that I’ma have to get comfortable with being the man that I am.

    And that was some difficult ish! I’m still not quite comfortable with it, but, as the man said in Spinal Tap, I would be much more bothered by the whole thing if I wasn’t under heavy sedation.

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    • Ah, Spinal Tap. ‘Big bottom, big bottom. How can I leave this behind?’ The movie was full of poetry. :)

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  10. I used to think I was as well adjusted as the average person can be. Turns out I have all the narcissism, perfectionism, societal “otherness”, and anxiety as other military brats.

    I used to think that because I enjoyed reading I could pick up any book and enjoy and dissect it. Turns out I can’t really pay attention to story lines that well, even when I’m loving what’s going on. My preference is to read out of order and dissect the information based on what I find most compelling so non-fiction books have been the most compelling to me.

    I used to think that I was very apathetic towards other human beings. Turns out I can empathize very well. I can listen for hours, but never talk about myself.

    Thought I was handsome. Turns out I was just really, really pretty.

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    • “Thought I was handsome.”

      I hate when women call me this. I respond to the word handsome like women respond the word “cute”. To females, “cute” is like the unimportant, neglected little sister to “beautiful”, “gorgeous”, and “stunning”. It’s like, well, at least you acknowledge my existence, but…that’s it?! I’m cute? Just cute?! That’s how I feel about handsome. Like, thanks for the compliment, but I’m actually insulted because I thought I ranked higher than that on the hotness scale. Apparently, I don’t…

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      • @ TUK

        excuse you?! If I tell you, you are handsome, take it and run away with it. Don’t look back lest you turn into salt like Lot’s wife did in Soddom and Gomorrah.

        If I call you PRETTY-there’s prolems.

        A handsome man to me, is FOIIIIIIIIINE.

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        • Alright geez!!! I’m sorry. It’s just that to me, I perceive handsome to be very low on the hotness scale. Because handsome is something you’d hear adults call a little boy. He’s handsome because he’s small, cute, and adorable. However, I am not a little boy. So a term that is mostly aimed at little boys disturbs me. But that’s just how I think.

          I’m not going to pretend that I know what handsome is synonymous to from a woman’s perspective. You say fine (or foine). To me though, handsome isn’t code for anything. Handsome is handsome and foine is foine.

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          • you dis boi. do you listen?! QUIT it! If a woman says you are handsome, zip it don’t provide explanations as to why you think its synonymous with a woman being called cute and feeling unloved, just say THANK YOU Handsome, IS really kind of a big deal, esp. with me. Shoo.

            Why are you writing a dissertation about a compliment?! Where they do that?!

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      • LOL… handsome for a man to me is fine as in refined. Pure knock out. Distinguished. Like Mami said, run wit it!

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        • Yes, this. Handsome implies a certain confidence and finesse along with the good looks, good manners and classy apparel.

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      • Seriously thought handsome was the brother to beautiful.

        So… in your mind… what registers higher? Fine?

        Is fine/foine/fahn > handsome?

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      • :-/ i like being called cute…b/c I am. These big cheeks and chinky-eyed smile on this here baby like face…can’t help but be cute. Being called sexy throws me off, especially when i’m in jeans and a tshirt. Mainly b/c i look like a middle schooler, and you just called me sexy, you sir are obviously a pedophile. lol.

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    • Thought I was handsome.

      When I was young I never really thought I was handsome… but females always did. Probably a mixture of off-self awareness with a little bit of low self esteem thrown in. I eventually developed confidence from seeing the type of women I could pull and the reactions I got from females, which usually took me COMPLETELY off guard. This sucked because my confidence in my looks was external, which is never good.

      In my mid to late twenties I finally became comfortable with my good looks… just in time for me to start getting old and losing them. C’est la vie.

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      • “I finally became comfortable with my good looks… just in time for me to start getting old and losing them.”

        Really? So we just gon act like Nubian Goddess aka African Mami ain’t been eye f*cking your avi for the past two months? We playing the Alzheimer’s game now? I hope not. People might think that’s insensitive and all that good sh*t and sh*t.

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        • I’m not saying that I’ve lost it(yet). Not by far. But you’ll find out when you reach 30, vanity will have you looking at yourself in the mirror everyday like Jeff Goldblum in The Fly… like “whats happening to me!?!? **gasp**…the f*ck did that line appear!? … dear God is that a grey hair… IN MY NOSE!?!?! **shotgun blast**

          Guess thats another self awareness issue. I’d like to think that I’m in no way vain or self conscious but…

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          • Agreed. You don’t realize you are vain until the one thing that people always complimented you about begins to fade and you start acting a mess b/c of it.

            I have always been complimented about my skin–liked stopped in the street by complete strangers and told how nice my skin was–then a dark mark appeared. I scheduled an appointment to the dermatologist so fast that it was ridiculous. I told my friends that i was doing it b/c i was worried about skin cancer. That was only half of it.

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          • Oh I’m sorry dear, I was merely pointing out to a fellow VSB that his looks haven’t reached its waning stages yet. As evidenced by his ability to swoon women who are perfectly sane. If you were offended, I, William The Womb Wrecker, officially apologizes.

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      • “just in time for me to start getting old and losing them. C’est la vie.”

        Nah, you still got it ;)

        Btw, one conclusion that I’ve come to about myself- I’m TERRIBLE at flirting lol. I’ve never been one of those “bat my eyes and giggle” type of girls.

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      • “In my mid to late twenties I finally became comfortable with my good looks… just in time for me to start getting old and losing them. C’est la vie”

        I am soooo with you on this one.

        I was one of those girls that wasnt ‘cute’ in middle school (thick glasses and a Jherri curl) that changed in H.S. Not use to being considered attractive I still felt the same. It wasnt until my late 20′s that I fully started to become confident in my appearance. Now after turning 30 last year I have started looking in the mirror at my first wrinkles (laugh line). Ughhh!

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  11. I’m too good at playing it cool and pretending like I don’t care or I’m not worried then I’m shocked at the callousness of other people when they don’t help me or seem to care. I know how to appear self-assured, strong, and independant and I’ve learned over the years that it comes off as arrogance.

    I’ve also learned that I’m a little shallow and careless when picking women. Then I’m shocked when they’re not smart, strong, interesting, clever, supportive, affectionate, or just normal as opposed to damaged goods and batsh*t crazy. Its like I sacrifice what I REALLY want in a woman by being caught up in the moment. I know that I have good taste in women which leads me to believe that I make good decisions when it comes to picking women… but I don’t, and there is a difference.

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    • “I’ve also learned that I’m a little shallow and careless when picking women. Then I’m shocked when they’re not smart, strong, interesting, clever, supportive, affectionate, or just normal as opposed to damaged goods and batsh*t crazy. Its like I sacrifice what I REALLY want in a woman by being caught up in the moment. I know that I have good taste in women which leads me to believe that I make good decisions when it comes to picking women… but I don’t, and there is a difference.”

      That may have just explained most men in my general surroundings.

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    • That was very insightful. I haven’t heard too many men actually admit that they’re shallow when it comes to picking women. In a weird way that honesty is kind of refreshing.

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        • ugh. I have this same problem. I can be shallow as hell. But won’t settle for a hot guy that has nothing going for him which leaves me…. alone.

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          • femboo

            I really don’t find hot men relationship material with me. They are just there to be ogled and tampered with. On very rare occasions have I seriously considered a hot dude as a potential baby daddy.

            I like em gruff, rough around the edges, DARK as night with no moon, a bit ugly, with their swag level turrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrnt all the way up, with an education to boot .(very important, a qualifier)

            So if you are in fuglies, and uglies and wtfuggers, I know em.

            Reply ↓

    • This! All of this! I’m very similar to that first paragraph- I’m a little too good at playing it cool (even when I should show emotion) and I can seem arrogant due to me always feeling I can handle any situation with ease. That second paragraph seems to describe most of the men I know……but some of my female friends struggle with this as well. This second paragraph makes me sad for a lot of my friends because they continue to fall for the same superficial qualities over and over again, while ignoring more important qualities.

      Reply ↓

    • So you get so lost in the sea of beautiful women, that you forget what you’re specifically looking for in one woman? :-)

      Reply ↓

    • “I’m too good at playing it cool and pretending like I don’t care or I’m not worried then I’m shocked at the callousness of other people when they don’t help me or seem to care. I know how to appear self-assured, strong, and independant and I’ve learned over the years that it comes off as arrogance.”

      +1
      I don’t hear that too often nowadays, but a few years back I was always being called arrogant by someone.

      Reply ↓

    • “I’m too good at playing it cool and pretending like I don’t care or I’m not worried then I’m shocked at the callousness of other people when they don’t help me or seem to care. I know how to appear self-assured, strong, and independant and I’ve learned over the years that it comes off as arrogance.”

      I also have this problem.

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  12. I’m amazed how long people can live in total denial about themselves. Why yes, I did just finish watching the late night re-run of Terrell Owens and 3 out of 4 baby mamas on Dr. Phil. How did you know?

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  13. I thought I explain things to people because it’s the teacher in me. Turns out, I may just think most people are stupid, so I want to head them off before they say something to annoy me. Then, I say things like, “I may think most people are stupid” because it feels better than saying “I’m pretty sure most people are stupid”. THEN, I realize the little Lizzie McGuire me is a lot more direct than the regular me, which for a woman, is dumbfounding. I also realize that most people take deadpan direct as mean. They may be right.

    And yes, I watched Lizzie McGuire.

    11 days and 13 hours until summer vacation. Give me free.

    Reply ↓

    • I call that behavior the “nice nasty” approach…and its me all the way, because a lot of people are stupid….

      Reply ↓

    • Yea i have this same problem with explaining things…i either think theyre not as smart as me or if they are (or possibly smarter than me) then i have to show im on their level…

      Reply ↓

    • I have the opposite problem. I assume everyone is intelligent and never feel the need to explain what I consider simple subject matter. I am completely dumbfounded when an explanation is necessary.

      Reply ↓

        • +2 I assume common sense is common, but apparently my theories, opinions, and responses to inquiries need further explanation more often than not. Maybe I have more than the common share of sense, maybe I just over-complicate simple things. Only God knows
          #shruglife

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  14. Hello All!

    I’m an infrequent commenter, but I wanted to introduce myself. I look forward to the comments just as much if not more than the actual post!

    I’m the self crowned queen of self awareness, which is usually the 1st red flag, but I must say I’m aware of my shortcomings/weaknesses, but most times don’t want to do s%it about them.

    I’ve always valued a pragmatic approach to love and relationships, deeming myself the victor in my handle of matters of the heart by not letting my emotions getting in the way. Bollucks, I know

    I’m now realizing that I need/want permission to be emotionally vulnerable in love, and trust that emotional intelligence is the valuation for rational thought

    Reply ↓

    • Ya know what, this is some g-sh*t right here:
      “I’m now realizing that I need/want permission to be emotionally vulnerable in love, and trust that emotional intelligence is the valuation for rational thought”

      I realized this a long time ago but am too hard headed to actually do it. I’m jealous of people who can run into love, exposing themselves no matter how bad they will hurt later on. We have the strength to bounce back but a decade of watching Lifetime movies makes it so hard for me. Saving face will be the end of me if I don’t get me act together.

      Reply ↓

      • Think2Inspire
        Please believe I’m struggling like s#it to embody this concept, although I’m completely aware and reverent of it. And I’m not winning. But I said I was going to do it this year, so….

        Reply ↓

        • Maybe I should actually try that this year too.

          I, Think2Inspire, pledge to stop tryna be a thug and give love a chance on this16th day of May 2012. I also pledge to stop singing Teach Me by Musiq Soulchild and actively participate in the game.

          …or at least try to.

          Reply ↓

          • *slowly rises from folding chair, stands next to t2i, meekly raises right hand, and solemnly repeats pledge*

            Reply ↓

    • I rarely comment as well but thought I’d ask you politely to get out of my head! Your comment is spot on

      SN: *standing shyly in corner with knees turned in and knee length white socks on* Hi VSBers!

      Reply ↓

  15. I’m one of those peeps who says he enjoys hanging out in big groups full of people doing crazy stuff and going on adventures… But in reality I prefer to just read that ina book and then go play video games. I’m all about vicarious living. I’ve had too many adventures and near-death experiences to truly embrace any kind of lifestyle but that of a homebody. I hate being boring because of what others may think, but secretly/honestly I truly love being boring.

    I’m either too nerdy or not enough. In practice I tend towards downplaying my nerd-cred, like a humble-pie kinda Jedi — but given the right public I’ll be all kinds of D&D slanging, LOTR factoid dropping, comic-books and anime and manga devouring level 80 Orc Warlock on WoW. Shoot, I already pre-ordered by Diablo 3 and just finished rereading Naruto online! But somehow in my daily life it always seems so closeted, like I’m afraid to sing a la Diana Ross, “I’m coming out! I want the world to know / got to let it show!”

    I’m constantly jealous and competitive. I do so many random activities and I’m a jack-of-all-trades kinda talented, so I end up feeling (naturally) as if I can be teh whiz at any task I apply myself to. Sadly though, I am not Charlie Parker, Viswanathan Anand, SlayerS_`BoxeR`, Hank Moody, or a kung-fu master. I cannot cat-dance my way to greatness with a smile and some baby-blue eyes. Though it’d be awesome if I could… Hence why whenever I see someone doing something awesome and awesomely, I will be uber critical and secretly get antsy to go home/wherever to do my own thing like they are — only BETTER! Haha, oy vey.

    Anyhoo, those are a few of my bouts with self-awareness. Cheers.

    Reply ↓

    • I feel like you wrote this post for me. Does that make it an autobiography of awareness?? lol A lot of these are me all over… (with minor tweaks)

      “I’m all about vicarious living. I’ve had too many adventures and near-death experiences to truly embrace any kind of lifestyle but that of a homebody. I hate being boring because of what others may think, but secretly/honestly I truly love being boring” …because boredom >>>>>>> drama x1000

      “I’m either too nerdy or not enough. In practice I tend towards downplaying my nerd-cred, like a humble-pie kinda Jedi — but given the right public I’ll be all kinds of” …..math-tutoring, Spanish-speaking, physics-debating, Transformer-collecting, random useless trivia/knowledge-spewing know-it-all

      “I’m constantly jealous and competitive. I do so many random activities and I’m a jack-of-all-trades kinda talented, so I end up feeling (naturally) as if I can be teh whiz at any task I apply myself to. Sadly though, I am not” …Every Man, it’s only me. (no Whitney)

      Sucks to know these things about yourself, but hey, what can you do but get comfortable.

      Reply ↓

  16. Self awareness, huh?
    I generally think that I suck at everything so when I succeed at something I feel awesome. :)

    I, too, think that I am a good communicator, but I find that I hold back a lot because if I really put it out there what I am truly thinking/feeling I tend to hurt people’s feelings or get my feelings hurt. I especially do this in deep conversations, conversations that I actively avoid, but deeply crave and enjoy (with a particular person).

    I think I am related to chameleons and can change with my environment. Actually, I can except for my color. However, in the right light I can take on the glow of certain colors, so yeah, maybe I can change color. :P

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    • So…you’re sure you’re not a 24 year old black woman? More specifically, a 24 year old black woman who’s highly trained in ninjustu?

      Reply ↓

      • lmao @ TUK. See somehow other people perceive me differently than I perceive myself. You just proved it. For some reason, I have a friend that thinks I think I’m black. Now no one knows better than me that I ain’t black. My white arse fries like bacon sizzling when I’m in the sun (it ain’t a pretty sight) and I glow in the dark. Just ’cause I speak a lil street slang, enjoy a particular genre music, and hang with black folks all of a sudden dude is accusing me that I think I’m black. It’s really kind of annoying and I told him he ain’t gettin but straight white girl from here on out and see how he likes stiff boards. humph.

        Reply ↓

    • Another one: I thought I was good at shopping for groceries and other stuff (been doing that practically all my life) until I went shopping with a few male friends of mine. I learned that men can sometimes be better shoppers, and down right annoying! I’m more of a get in the store, get what’s on my list and get out (would that qualify as a jumpoff shopper?) lol… This daymn man I went shopping with inspected everything! Another dude I went with was a price shopper and had coupons for many items. They drove me totally insane. Thank you, I’ll shop alone from now on.

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  17. I was certain my whole life that I was independent. SIKE! It took me getting hopelessly ill, being broke as fcuk, and moving in with my parents to realize that all of us human-folk need each other. I really used to look down on people who were dependent and saw it as some kind of crutch. In my mind I they just didn’t know how life worked. I was a lone wolf, conquering the world on my own. That mentality really destroyed a lot of opportunities I had because I was unwilling to depend on someone else. My independence is still important to me but so is building STRONG relationships with the people around me. Life is crazy, you never know when you’re whole world will crash and being the lone wolf doesn’t make for a support system when you’re eating ramen noodles for two weeks straight but can’t digest carbs.

    I used to think I was deep, till I met people who were too damn introspective and always reflecting on the most asinine things

    Me- You want ice?
    Them-Water is soo pure you know, it reflects the purity of mankind. We should stop destroying the Earth Mother and respect her for what she is. She is pure. She is water. She is mankind.
    Me- Is that a yes or a no?

    Now, I focus on balance. There is a time and a place for hoodrat Think2Inspire and a time and place for serious Think2Inspire.

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  18. After watching this comeback effort fall short, I’m actually awake at the right time.

    -I don’t like having deep conversations about anything. They often turn into intellectual battles and that sense of trying to impress someone turns into a sense of competition…which has the opposite effect.

    -I like perms. Sorry. No, I’m not. I’m not nearly as bad as I used to be about dating women with natural hair, though…well, except for the ‘not dating at all’ thing (but that’s another matter).

    -Oh, I don’t communicate well at all. Ask my exes.

    -Nah, mine were compatibility issues. Most actually fit a pattern, which I finally figured out. That led to the related matter mentioned above.

    -I think everyone has an issue with their identity: mainly, figuring it out. It takes a while, and a lot of effort.

    -I was just thinking about this the other day. I’ve all but stopped cussing over the last few years, but if I have the same thoughts I don’t see much difference in choice of verbiage.

    Hmm, what else…

    -I really want to be popular and well-liked. I just deal really well with the fact that I’m not.

    -I’m more liable to trust men than women (likely because I don’t have to trust men as much, and definitely not in the same ways).

    -If I feel good, my opinion of myself is based on what I think. If I feel bad, it’s based on what I believe other people think.

    Reply ↓

    • Do you perm your hair? Oh I was just wondering, since you don’t like natural hair in all…or are you a white person with black face? Negroes kill me with the whole I don’t like natural hair, well that just happens to be how it “naturally” grows out our heads…TF

      Reply ↓

      • As a woman with natural hair, I don’t take offense to his statement at all. It’s a preference–plain and simple. It’s JUST HAIR. Don’t mean to shout but this whole natural vs. permed debate is so tiring. Not everything has to be so deep.

        Reply ↓

        • thank you Aly… people are going around acting like hair is something other than dead protein, its just like fingernails… if a man likes perms he likes perms, like a man that likes nail polish… geesh

          Reply ↓

        • girrrrrl, you know you are preaching to the deaf. dem follicles have been known to start revolutions and fights.

          Imma sit back, relax as dem nazis come in full force, talking bout I’m now self aware because of my hair. *blank stare*.

          *Popcorn and other sweet delights available to any and all*

          Reply ↓

          • I don’t consider myself a hair nazi by any means, however, it should be acknowledged that preferences don’t come out of thin air. The impulse to prefer things that are unnatural and/or detrimental comes from societal norms…so it’s disingenuous not to admit that 1. perming is a damaging thing in and of itself and 2. the process owes its popularity to racism. In this day and age deciding to perm your hair can easily be nothing more than a style choice to you, but I just think that it is poor form to unabashedly champion a preference that you wouldn’t even have in the first place if only things were less racist in the past. Does that make sense? I’m just trying to explain why unapologetic glorification of perming rubs ppl the wrong way.

            Reply ↓

              • It aint that d@mn serious to me either its just what the hel! I wanted to say b/c I wasn’t feelin that portion of his “self awarness” The fck I care about a movement….

                Reply ↓

              • i don’t think so-if i cared enough about the issue my hair would be natural for reasons other than i’m too lazy to straighten it

                Reply ↓

            • “…champion a preference that you wouldn’t even have in the first place if only things were less racist in the past. Does that make sense?”

              No.

              Reply ↓

              • I myself have had natural hair all my life but would prefer to straighten it (for now too lazy to learn and too cheap to go to the salon.) I lament the fact that I have a preference for straight hair when I think of where this undoubtedly came from.
                @ WIP i’m saying the response I would expect ppl to have when confronted with the fact that their preference is rooted in something negative like racism is gee that’s too bad as opposed to so what.

                Reply ↓

            • @dd

              I actually do understand what you are trying to say however, hair is just not that serious for everybody. I understand the implications behind straightening out our hair in the past. Many people did it because they just didn’t think our natural texture could be considered beautiful. That is sad true, but today a black woman is more educated on how to properly care for her hair as well as the negative effects that relaxers can potentially have on the hair and scalp so if she prefers to relax her hair despite this knowledge, she is simply choosing one of many options available to her, in other words its her decision. I personally have natural hair and love natural hair but I also realize that just because a woman has straight hair doesn’t mean that she’s not natural, she could have just blown it out and flat ironed it, does that make her any less “natural” than the girl rocking the fro, I personally don’t think so. That just means that she decided to blow out her hair and flat iron it. Everybody has a choice and if a man doesn’t like how you wear your hair that’s cool because it’s not his head, its your head. Do with it what you want.

              Reply ↓

              • @SoSincere I agree with you. I just don’t understand the undertone of defiance-why not acknowledge a sorry situation for what it is?

                Reply ↓

                  • The issues behind straight vs. natural are important… But I agree with Wild Cougar here. Its just hair. That being said… #teamnatural

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            • i think a lot of women may just be vain about certain characteristics pertinent to twomankind. Hair is one of those things. I believe if women of Africa descent with nappy/natural/curly..etc.,etc., hair had NEVER seen straight hair-we would still find ways to change the texture and or color…just because. It certainly would not make us any less self-aware-It’s hair. dead protein that can be changed and manipulated….so why not.? When you grow up around different races and cultures-you discover that we are more the same than different. I had a best friend who was from lebanon who hated her thick black hair-had a Korean frenemy who disliked her straight stringy hair. Lawd knows i have seen hundreds of 2520′s lamenting the texture of their hair-have you seen how many aisles they take up in the haircare section of stores?? Wordy…I know. But hair is hair. not to quote IndiaArie..but well i guess i am. i am not my hair. ME? done it all…short-natural-locks-weaves-wigs- and braids. I dont relax anymore(blowouts) because it was damaging to my hair-but without proper care ANY style can be damaging. and that ish

              Reply ↓

              • I agree with drachelle 100% The grass is always greener and women like to alter themselves and display themselves in a variety of ways. It’s natural, especially for women.

                I also understand the other side of the argument though. No other race is judged as negatively for their hair in its unprocessed state as black people. It is what it is though, it’s not our responsibility to make people like or appreciate everything about us (even if they’re black and theoretically shouldn’t be this way). Either you dig my features or you don’t. Doesn’t matter really because plenty of other people will. Thats the beauty of this world.

                Reply ↓

    • ooooh mi gosh,you have opened a can of worms with that natural hurr statement.

      I’m interested to know why you like perm and your remorse for natural follicles.

      Reply ↓

      • I clearly did, judging by the comment above yours. Oh well. I consider it to be no different than a preference for people of a certain skin tone, height, or any other physical characteristic. People have the right to do what they want with their hair. I have the right to not like it (a right I don’t always exercise).

        But to answer your question, it’s just what I got used to. I don’t have some deep hatred for natural hair or anything. Didn’t think it was that big a deal…although now I’m glad I said it. Now I know that DJ Quik, Maurice White, and Katt Williams are uniquely qualified to offer opinions on hair.

        Reply ↓

        • I’m not trying to be mean. That is exactly what I assume when a Black man says he dislikes natural hair on Black women. He doesn’t like the naps. He likes the straight.

          Reply ↓

          • “I’m not trying to be mean. That is exactly what I assume when a Black man says he dislikes natural hair on Black women. He doesn’t like the naps. He likes the straight.”

            I didn’t think your comment was mean at all; and I agree with your assumption. I was just bracing myself for the potential “good hair vs. nappy hair” comments.

            Reply ↓

            • *inserts “good hair vs. nappy hair” comments.*

              Jigaboos: Don’t you know my hair is so strong
              It can break the teeth out of a comb
              don’t have to put it up at night
              What you have to keep up at night
              What you have to keep out of sight

              Wannabees: Your hair ain’t no longer than (finger snap)
              So you’ll never fling it all back
              And you ‘friad to walk in the rain
              Oh what a shame who’s to blame

              Jigs: Don’t you ever worry ‘bout that
              ‘cause I don’t mind being BLACK go on with your mixed-up head
              I ain’t gonna never be ‘fraid

              Wannabees: Well you got nappy hair
              Jigs: Nappy is all right with me
              Wannabees: My hair is straight you see
              Jigs: But your soul’s crooked as can be.

              *smiles*

              Reply ↓

  19. I just came to another self awared conclusion that I am in love. Admitting this is the first step towards, constant avi changing sobriety, or it could very well be the coffee I’m dranking on right now, talking.

    Reply ↓

    • I refuse to admit I’m ‘in love’. Nope. Not gonna happen. What does it mean tho when a man keeps teasing you that he wouldn’t marry you for the dumbest of reasons — like how to pick out bananas? I’m adamant. I’m not getting married again is always my response.

      Reply ↓

      • oh snap!!! girrrrl, tell us how you real feel about dis!!!

        I’m all ears, ain’t gonna interrupt just in case you slap me mouth shut.

        On a serious note, a man not proposing on some dumb shiiiid, time to cut my losses and find me another. That’s a waste of my friggin time.

        Reply ↓

        • Nah, girl, he’s fun and I seriously ain’t getting married again. It’s just silly comments that a friend of mine makes like that that makes me think crazy things. I mean, who does that?! Don’t get me wrong… ain’t nobody being strung along. I know what time it is with him.

          Reply ↓

      • Nillalatte, I have the funniest feeling that men like to say stuff like to get under your skin and watch your response.

        Reply ↓

        • AWE, you might be right. I tend to give a lot of epic side eyes at stupid comments and stop dead sentence if I’m talking. My mind just goes blank when silly stuff is said and it’s like “Did he just say that shyt? WTF is he talking about?” Then I dismiss it and him with a “whatever.”

          The next thing that happens internally is I’m thinking “This dude ain’t got no damn sense. I can cut you out of my life in a heart beat because we ain’t got no commitment here. Keep acting foolish. You’ll be wondering what the hell happened.” The only reason I keep him around is he just happens to be fun. When he gets a lil too serious and delusional I give him lots of distance.

          Old people tango. LOL

          Reply ↓

  20. I’ve come to realize that I’m somewhat of a snob. I think that I’ve always known it but in the past I refused to acknowledge it. I got it honestly though, from my mom.

    The funny thing is that I’ve always fought my innate snobbery by attempting to hang out with people without regard to their backgrounds. But a little voice in the back of my mind always betrayed my efforts by revealing my true feelings.

    Since I’ve come to acknowledge my snobbery, I have attempted to at least minimize the effect that has on my social interactions. I tell myself that I’m making progress but sometimes I say things and people give me the extreme side-eye, which makes me think I have (much) more work to do.

    Reply ↓

    • He he. I just imagined a monologue for that situation.

      “Hello common people. I’ve come to hang out with you because I am open-minded enough to be around commoners. I will look past your flaws so that I may become exposed to a wider variety of people! Don’t mind me, just carry on with your common-ness. I am humble enough to learn from you.”

      Reply ↓

        • I do confess I am kinda sorta a snob or have very snob-ish behaviours. Not in every situation but it does come out in certain areas. And I always thought that I am very down with the common folk. LOL.

          Reply ↓

          • Side note: I spelled behaviours as such coming from a Commonwealth former colony. Why did you guys drop the ‘u’ in colour, favour, saviour etc.? I don’t get it.

            Reply ↓

            • Because we are American. We use the American English spellings.

              The people who use the British English spellings will spell behaviour instead of behavior.

              Reply ↓

        • Kenny f*ckin Powers! Yes, he would say something like that except it would be laced with profanity! lmao! I didn’t know anyone on this site watched that show. That dude is soooooo funny. Danny McBride gets much props for playin the h*ll outta that role. I’m not convinced that he doesn’t act like that in real life. Sooooo many quotables from season 1 alone lmao!

          Reply ↓

          • I’m not convinced that he doesn’t act like that in real life.

            He’s kinda the same dude in EVERY movie so yeah… thats him. I can’t believe more people don’t watch Eastbound. McBride+Will Ferrell+Craig T. Robinson… you can’t lose. Sad to see the final episode this season

            Reply ↓

            • Yeah man that dude is comedic gold. I still wanna watch “Your Highness” just for him. He’s a trip and he’s perfect for that role. I don’t understand why the show isn’t more popular either. I moved to a new apartment and don’t have HBO so I still haven’t seen anything more than just the first episode of Season 3. I’m gonna find a way to watch the rest though, even though everyone that watches the show says it was a disappointing season. I don’t wanna believe it but I’m sure it’s got some truth to it..

              Reply ↓

              • Yeah. The ending was was anti-climactic but Will Ferrell and Craig Robinson came back for a couple of episodes, the best this season of course. Your Highness is ok. Not great but passable.

                Reply ↓

      • Ooh, me too. And I don’t even try to hang out with people I think I’m better than. I know its bad to be a snob. But down deep, I figure I’m a snob to people you’d never expect. And for reasons you’d probably not guess. But if I feel attacked, I’ll whip out a snob comment thinly veiled in sugary sweetness, southern style about something having to do with brains or social class, cause I know that’s what gets under peoples skin.

        Reply ↓

      • This right here. Thank you for this imaginative inner dialogue. Now I can go about my day imagining how it would play out w/ the commoners.

        Reply ↓

  21. I’m Midwestern, and people can tell. People can tell!

    I think too d@mn much. I was recently told this by a guy in a bar (who was trying to impress me by getting into my head). Since the guy was disingenuous and not as deep as he thought he was, it finally dawned on me that since this non-deep dude could see that I think too much, this trait must be more obvious than I thought.

    My lips, smile, and donk attracts the brothers, but I am almost always asked (indirectly) if I date white guys. So I seem like the type of sister who dates white guys.

    I’m “the smart friend.”

    Reply ↓

    • Midwestern girl huh? I’m originally from Nebraska, where are you from? I knew there was a reason that I liked you- besides your awesome comments of course :)

      Reply ↓

      • St. Louis, Missouri. Home of fried ravioli, the St. Paul sandwich (egg foo yung patty without the gravy, between two pieces of Wonder bread, with mayo and pickles), and highway “farty.”

        Reply ↓

    • *crying on RWC shoulder* Me too, me too.

      Everyone I know (including my island parents) think I only date white men. Hwhat? Life is too short to limit myself from all the sexiness out there. I’ve actually never dated a white guy tho. Or a black guy.

      Reply ↓

    • There are a lot of Black women dating White guys in the Midwest. I’ve seen more of this coupling than in other areas of the U.S. which is more Black men and White women. (not that they dont exist in the Midwest too) So if you’re asked indirectly, someone is genuinely curious. lol

      Reply ↓

      • The most recent inquiry happened here in AZ. The comment was from a brotha (tryin to holla) who was visiting from Texas.

        Reply ↓

      • Yes. But I always had this stereotype of “black women who date white guys.” I always saw them as being like Freddie from A Different World, and not like me.

        Reply ↓

        • I thought the black girl that dates white men would just be bougie not Freddie-ish. People always ask me if I date white men! It kinda bothers me b/c I feel like it’s just an indirect way for them to call me bougie.

          Reply ↓

      • ” People who don’t think enough always accuse thinkers of thinking too much. ”

        This is so true though. It’s the reason I end up actually thinking too much fa real sometimes though, because thinking too much is indeed a real phenomenon that I have succumed to on multiple occasions. Doesn’t change the fact that most of the people who accuse me of this often times don’t think enough though. A conundrum if I’ve ever experienced one. I just about got the balance figured out now though

        Reply ↓

    • Interesting. I always see myself as the kind of person people assume would date white girls, but no one ever does. And I never have. But I am the kind of guy that thinks I should marry one for a few years just to show people not to put me in a box, even if it’s a sweet sticky caramel one.

      Reply ↓

      • LMFAO @ Meech. For a few years huh? That reminds me of my theory of marriage contracts (with set time lengths) to reform marriage as we know it lol

        But why do you expect them to assume that you date white girls? Do you have a Caucasian accent?

        Reply ↓

  23. Random question: Why do gravatar pictures have to be so damn small? I’m sure that I’m not the only one who’s gone full on nose-to-monitor trying to get a better look at someone…

    Reply ↓

  24. Some of my self-awarenesses:
    I make better decisions than most people
    I pretend not to care about others but I deeply do
    I pretend to not care about my looks but I am very concerned about gaining weight or looking old
    I thought I wanted to hang around alot of people and be social but I’m a loner at heart
    I hold grudges

    Reply ↓

    • “I hold grudges”

      Don’t most women do this lol? #ohdear #shotsfired #jamaalgothit #theresbloodeverywhere

      Reply ↓

      • “Don’t most women do this lol?”
        Lol….well yea but are people who hold grudges actually aware that they do? I’ve never met a person who admits to holding grudges which may be because they think it makes them look petty……but I don’t care about seeming petty lol. There is a better chance that I will forget than forgive lol

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  25. May the Good Lord continue to bless those with crater abilities and take mercy upon those who wish upon a blue moon that they had the crater object to begin with.

    Goodnight folks

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  26. Let’s see, conclusions about myself. Most of them probably relate to my “womanhood”.

    -I’ve finally accepted the fact that I hate to cook. Never liked it, never will. And yes, I realize that this is a quality that is important to most men. But, I’m tired of pretending that: a) I like to do it, and b) that it’s solely my responsibility to do it in a relationship. There are SO many other things that I have to offer, and if a man can’t look past this one thing, his loss.

    -I’m a Mom, but doing “kid” things bores me to tears. When my son was little I hated playing with toys- toys for boys are especially boring. Maybe if there was a Barbie thrown in there somewhere? Thankfully, he’s older now so I don’t have to worry about it as much. (Wow, reading this back I sound really selfish lol)

    Reply ↓

    • Not selfish but funny. When kids get stuck on that one toy they can play with it for hours and it does get old. Especially since the game is the same. “and then you make your guy fall off the tower and say ah and then I fall too. Ok now this time I fall first. Ok now you fall…”

      Reply ↓

    • Wanna play with my daughter then? Every time we play with dolls, I either turn it into Def Comedy Jam or the Divas division of WWE. LOL Though it is fun to play with trains with her. She loves trains. :)

      Reply ↓

      • Hahaha! Maybe it is the gender thing more than the actual toy thing. Cause I could play with me some dolls. A tea party sounds kinda fun too.

        Reply ↓

        • I have a gay son (thank the Lord) and get to play with Barbies! Takes me back… but after a while I’m over it and it makes me feel guilty. Then I have family members that play tirelessly with my kids and I’m like, “yeah, I’m just gonna go take a nap. Yall enjoy”

          Reply ↓

      • “Though it is fun to play with trains with her. She loves trains.”

        A yo Todd…you’re my dude and all, but this sentence here? Someone could go in a different direction with this one.

        Signed,
        Perverted Alchemist- official language Nazi

        Reply ↓

        • I understand playa, but this is also the same kid who HAS to watch the BNSF railway advertisement at the beginning of the PBS Newshour to go to bed. She’s gotten better with age, but one time, when we put her to bed early, the only thing that would get her to go to sleep was YouTube vids of trains. Seriously.

          Reply ↓

          • That was my son at that age. lol It doesn’t help that he’s been on every train that exists at Disneyland. She probably would be in heaven riding Amtrak & the local subways lol Does she know that railroad museums exist? lmao

            Reply ↓

    • lawwwd hammercy on kids! I do not do kiddie stuff either. I do not coo, or swoon over a baby.

      I pretty much notice ugly babies. I need Jesus to deliver me from this particular transgression of sourcing out ugly babies…esp. on the bus.

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  27. I don’t mind being an anti-social social person. I’m a loner & don’t like people in general but folks like being around me. I make folks feeling comfy & safe. It’s ok till I get annoyed or someone gets too huggy feely then I just ignore them.

    I enjoy being eccentric or deranged. Actually, I like deranged better…leaves a wider margin for behaviors & actions that can be useful & fun.

    I discriminate against small dogs. I usually think any dog that reaches calf level isn’t a dog. I feel they should be reclassified as a rabbit or something so it can go on the food chain.

    While I don’t judge many, a persons irresponsibility makes me judge like a muthafuk!! Example, the T.O. interview on Dr Phil. All that analyzing no father figure, his absenteeism & the baby mama’s complaints had to seething. They bone Terrell Owens…raw!! Terrell loud mouth smuck Owens! Dude can’t get signed by any team in the NFL & dude can play well. Crappy, diva attitude doesn’t work well in the NFL but you ride the pole raw, thinking you’ll be the one that gets him or for a feather in your I boned a baller cap. It’s like riding Lil’ Wayne then wondering why your coochies on fire. Common sense sure isn’t common in many.

    I’ll never wear a heel above 3 inches to be cute or sexy because I love my body & foot pain is insanely painful. My womanhood isn’t about hobbling myself for someone else’s idea of women’s shoes.

    Reply ↓

    • “I discriminate against small dogs. I usually think any dog that reaches calf level isn’t a dog.”

      I don’t know why, but this made me crack up! It’s just so random and funny.

      Reply ↓

    • ” I’ll never wear a heel above 3 inches to be cute or sexy because I love my body & foot pain is insanely painful.”

      I don’t own heels over two inches and frankly I’m tired of watching girls hobble while walking. If you can wear 6 inch heels all day good for you. If you look like someone smeared butter on the floor in front of you, invest in ballet flats.

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  28. I always thought that i was a good judge of character via the men i date..kind religious, earthy, gentleman in the streets and freaks inside…. . my latest break up has thrown me off, this guys was my idea of perfection!..and then after four years of dating…i dint recognize him. do not know what is good any more….

    I like to think am open minded..i mean am one of those people who makes friends with a petty thief….just so they have some one, but go to a club and people are throwing money to dancers and am finding it very common like i should not be there

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  29. I care what other people think about me…I don’t want to but I do. Oddly enough, I can be perceived as a b*tch because my filter is not that good. Some things just need to be said and if you don’t like the harsh reality, maybe we shouldn’t talk to each other. I like to date foreign men (non white) or at least they have parents from another country (a lot of my friends are foreign too). This is a new realization and I think it’s because I am not traditional/American in my thought. Black people claim to be liberal/open minded, but we in fact are more conservative than we realize…supporting Obama doesn’t mean a thing. That is my experience, especially with dating. Also, foreigners aren’t perfect either…I’m just saying to avoid any backlash lol

    Since I’m a Gemini, I think I contradict myself on more occasions than most. I’m smart but I can say some dumb sh*t…LET ME! I want to be ignorant some times which is why I keep an “ignorant crew” at all times lol.

    Reply ↓

  30. Hmmm…I rarely talk about myself online or in person but I’ll give this a go.

    I like for people to find me friendly but in reality I’m just polite. I don’t have a desire to make many friends (I’m really cautious) but I don’t think the opposite is making enemies. So I’ve learned to be polite.

    Outwardly I like to appear calm and I’m control. It’s something I value and want people to see. Most people don’t know that internally I’m bursting with energy and am all kinds of out of control. Where do I let it out? The privacy of my own home. It’s why I’m not married and without children. My family wouldn’t deserve that. So I’m working on creating some balance.

    On a funny note I work with a teacher who pretends to like kids but secretly hates them and never wants them. I told him he may be in the wrong profession…

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  31. I always thought i was forgiving but apparently im quite spiteful and passively passive aggressive (i meant to say it like that)

    Which is strange because i enjoy conflict as well…who knew?

    Also ive come to realize im a bit of a manipulator…truth, situations, etc…makes me wonder whether im a good person or not…or a good guy with bad tendencies or a bad guy with good tendencies…e.g. wouldnt think twice about giving my last dollar to a homeless guy but im the same guy who broke up with a girl through txt message (granted this was many years ago so maybe i just feel guilty)

    Reply ↓

  32. My self-awareness is that I enjoy checking off items on my bucket list. No I’m not sick & dying. It is pure fun & adrenaline. I think it is a path to happiness.

    My self-awareness is that I take responsibility for all of my actions & beliefs from the great to the cold-blooded.

    Reply ↓

  33. ➊ im overly concerned with my appearance… not enough to lose 50lbs but enough to insist that big girls can be hot, is it laziness or have i found my soapbox?!?

    âž‹ im a black woman all day all night but have found that here in america wrt black americans i am only consisred “black” when it is convinient and have been quick to be told that i wasn’t “really” black.. oh well what yall gon do?

    ➌ i communicate way better than most people i know which makes me a communication snob, slow speakers, long to the point makers, messy thought describers & people that don’t have control of all the major forms of communication disappoint me and almost immediately lose my interest… make your point, make it short, make it well, make it understandable, speak to your audience and make it snappy– or else

    ➍ im viciously judged on my life choices and it used to bother me but now it just bothers me sometimes

    ➎ i am “smart” but i tend to not like other “smart” people i meet, i don’t know why, i am working on this, i’ll keep vsb posted

    ➏ even though i have been working on it for some time now, i still curse like a sailor getting a tattoo on his p.enis, i know it looks bad & sounds worse but the words just fly out of my mouth

    ➐ i like men and i like women, not because i can’t decide but because i do

    Reply ↓

  34. Self-Awareness!!
    1.I’ve always thought i was the nicest person BUT in reality i’m a complete azzhole!
    2.I always said i hate cooking and i can’t cook for ish but really i’m like the black version of Giada De Laurentiis (cause i’m tiny like her) I mean have you ever cooked Bruschetta with Shrimp, Tarragon and Arugula on a saturday morning after doing yoga that ish is relaxing!! Forget what you heard.
    3.I Thought that i was the most femine girl ever physically,emotional, and mentally BUT in reality not at all I do/say thingssometimes makes my friends wonder if im gay or swing both ways and ish.
    4.Being a contortionist is not all that wierd its POWER!! Mwaaaahhaaa :)

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  35. The biggest point of self-awareness for me is that I don’t trust women. Like at all. Remember where the Beatnuts said that they’ll shoot your moms if they have to? I feel that because I think any woman, at any time, could do ANYTHING to a dude. Like I’m afraid of nuns raping because they were bored or something.

    That leads to two things. For one, I’m scared of any woman that’s either innocent looking and/or domestic. With housewife types, I’m afraid of the scam. If I had breakfast, lunch and dinner cooked for me every day of the week, dishes and laundry done, house cleaned and my baby cared for save for playtime, I’d go to the doctor to check for STDs and poisons, have the food tested for drugs, check all my financial statements and maybe go through your cell phone if I’m scared enough. The innocent looking women will get carded, because I’m so afraid of being a child molestor. (That also why anyone 5’5″ isn’t getting any peen from me. I’m NOT getting arrested for you lying about your age. I don’t care if you say you’re 52.)

    The other thing was something Yoles pointed out to me yesterday during lunch. And yes, we met for lunch. :) As a result of my discomfort and distrust of women, it takes me a while to finish. Oh I enjoy sex. I definitely prefer the ladies. I can keep it up a while. But I’m jut afraid of letting go and relaxing, like if I cum at the wrong moment, she’ll yell at me or be disappointed. Plus, I’m afraid she’ll use my orgasm as a chance to rifle through my projects, beat me, mock me or do something else. It took me years to get to the point where I could manage to finish within a half-hour. It also doesn’t help that the woman who turned me out was a hypersexual bipolar, and I spent a lot of time swining, where women love to brag about how they wear guys down. In a weird way, one of the reasons I hung around is that my issues became a point of strength. As a result, my idea of great sex resembled the Wrestlemania 12 match between Bret Hart and Shawn Michaels…long, draw out, exhausting, a physical challenge, but ultimately satisfying.

    I also am hyper-competitive. I will try to win at anything. I have to compete, and I love to do it. I also like to outwit people in my line of work, because it makes me feel superior.

    Oh, and Wild Cougar reminds me way too much of my mom. I could see her yelling at me that the Merlot is 2 degrees too warm because she had a bad day at work…and having her throw the glass at me as a result.

    Reply ↓

      • I hope it was interesting in a good way, not a bad one. LOL Plus I like the fact that you’re tall and big. That puts a 6’5″ dude built like a linebacker at ease. No risk of injury…yay!

        Reply ↓

    • “The innocent looking women will get carded, because I’m so afraid of being a child molestor. (That also why anyone 5’5″ isn’t getting any peen from me. I’m NOT getting arrested for you lying about your age. I don’t care if you say you’re 52.)”

      This is largely the reason why I refuse to date short women- besides the fact that I’m 6’5″. They are sneaky…really sneaky…and short…

      Reply ↓

      • Wow. You and Todd just shattered my belief that tall guys are the easiest to attract. I know this sounds cocky, but I have been pretty sure, for the last decade, that if a guy is over 6 foot 3, he will most likely find me attractive. And for no other reason than me being 5’1. This isn’t arbitrary, it is just something I noticed. LOL nice to find out here instead of in real life that it won’t always be the case (which I knew, but figured I might not experience it). That sucks, because literally seeing eye to eye with a man creeps me out.

        Reply ↓

    • Todd, I am your mother…..(heavy breathing through sarth vadar mask).

      Nah, man you way off. I don’t get where you got this feeling. I don’t complain about little things like wine temperature. I don’t complain much at all about everyday stuff. Not even traffic. I don’t yell unless you’ve pushed me too far. And it takes a lot of pushing. Months of it. I don’t impose my whims on other people. I’m a middle child. Of four. It’s hard to do when you’re usually ignored. I’m not afraid of intimacy, I run to it. I squeeze it out of any relationship I’m in. Probably too much.

      Reply ↓

      • I’m glad I actually scrolled down-thread before writing a response to this. When you normally respond to the men on here, it seems like you just take one thing and POUNCE. That’s what reminds me of my mom. Now that I understand that you don’t like the idea of competition (and that men are more likely to try to compete because that’s how dudes are), your mindset makes a bit more sense.

        It just goes to show that what you read and the meaning behind it can be two different things. It’s interesting that you are that insecure about competition though. That’s one of the few things I’m secure about.

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      • Oddly, the more aggressive or hoish a woman is, the more I trust her. That’s why I like strong women who go out for what they want. I can accept a hug from someone who has been, um, the village bicycle where everyone gets a ride. A regular innocent girl that goes to church weekly scares me though.

        And Aly, I can accept hugs. Just not too tight, OK?

        Reply ↓

        • But you have a daughter who is young. Do the type of women you like protect and nurture children like your daughter?

          Reply ↓

          • In my experience, it’s all over the map. I’ve seen hos who are great mothers, and some who are horrible mothers. I do see your point though.

            Reply ↓

        • “Oddly, the more aggressive or hoish a woman is, the more I trust her. ”

          I find myself saying that about men. The more of a ho he is, the more I trust him (well, not full-blown trust. That’s not something I do). Good guys scare me. I feel their sting hurts the most.

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    • Champ wrote a good post about woman not having daddy issues but that we all have parent issues (at least that’s what i remembered–i could be way off). Parents can mess us up in ways that will have others just dumbfounded. It’s so easy to tell someone to just let something go but inside of us is a little kid with self-esteem issues that can’t let go. We can mature and learn to deal but letting go rarely, if ever, happens.

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    • Another reason why folks think you’re white…you pst like you’re laying on the psychiatrist’s couch, and we all know that only 2520′s get therapy.

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  36. Self-awareness swag:

    -Panda, I think we have that “less communicating in intimate settings” problem in common. I thrive in settings where the more people that are present… the merrier. I get off on the energy. One on one, tho? Well, it’s super hard for me to open up. Call it a Leo lioness pride thang. Call it trust issues (totally know where this came from… I’m seeking help on this part), but I can put up a wall on some Chinese government ish. And sometimes I’m angry at myself for it. It’s like a fight inside my mental mind (yes, mental mind is a fun term), like, “I WANT TO OPEN UP BUT WHAT IS STOPPING ME?!” Lawd.

    - I’m totally an attention seeker. I can ACK like I’m above it all and just because I don’t come out and say I want attention, I notice myself doing ish that attracts attention. And yes, I get a little butthurt if someone is getting more attention than I am. So, I’ll laugh louder, dance harder, and be funnier. I like to put on a show, I guess.

    - I’m neurotic as Woody Allen with OCD.

    - I totally use laughter to cover pain. This may make me (and others around me) feel better but I’m beginning to realize that fully dealing with the pain head-on may be the better way to go in the long-run. :|

    - I’m aware that myself has pinchable cheeks. (SEE?! Always with the jokes. The lighthearted frivolity.)

    - I’m TOO self-reliant with a lot of things til the point where I don’t ask for help until its almost too late. I wait til I’m dayum near starving to ask for assistance, basically. This will be tested once I live that starving artist life as a full-time screenwriter, which I hope is soon.

    Fin.

    Reply ↓

      • Yeah, it CAN be a good thing in some ways, but I’ve noticed I use it as avoidance, which isn’t so good. Because the issue/pain won’t go away, might as well tackle it LIKE A BAWSE.

        Reply ↓

        • Be braver, Cheekie. Next time, I want you to have a good conversation with a guy you like, without talking about your cheeks or anything Disney. Let people get to know you and not your love for Disney.

          Reply ↓

          • YOU CAN’T TAKE AWAY MY LOVE FOR DISNEY!

            *calms down*

            But yeah, I do have non-disney converstations… I’m just saying I’m overly selective with whom I have these conversations. And it may take a while to open up to them. I do realize I have these issues and I’m beginning to work on them head-on so yeah it’s gonna be a process… a journey.

            Reply ↓

      • I could legit get diagnosed with OCD and would do it if it actually affected and changed my day-to-day life. It only heightens when I’m super anxious/sad/angry about something and then it fades. I can see it getting worse tho should something drastic happen.

        *prays this doesn’t happen… or if it does, it’s something positive*

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  37. Maybe it’s the virgo in me, but I’m always analyzing why I am the way I am and do the things I do. I’m realizing I’m very “bougie” but I often times mask that to seem down to earth. Like someone above mentioned, I too like to make others laugh and smile so I seem “bubbly” but I’m way more negative than you would imagine. Also, not really self awareness but more of a confession…I’m realizing the more I think about it-I want to kiss a girl. Lol *shrugs*

    Reply ↓

    • yay virgos!!!

      This all sounds like me… except the bougie thing. People always assume I’m bougie until they get to know me and realize I’m really down to earth.
      #HighYellaProblems

      Reply ↓

  38. I come off independent and strong but in reality i crave to be vulnerable with someone.

    I want to get married but am terrified of picking the wrong person even though I make great decisions about keeping the right type of people in my life.

    Sometimes i try to act like i am “down” around people who share the same color of skin as me but in reality, i know that they can see through my act and they know that i am just not that comfortable around a big group of my own people.

    Even though i am self aware about the things that come out of my mouth, i really don’t care if what comes out of my mouth hurts your feelings. I am only being honest and expect this same treatment from the people that i respect.

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  39. It is soooo funny that you wrote this because I had one of these huge “AHA” moments last night! I have always said that I wanted to date a man just like my father, and as it turns out I have BEEN dating men like my father my WHOLE life and can’t stand them! LMAO! Like I laughed about it for about 10 mins straight then cried about it the rest of the night… smdh. This has turned out to be the WORST revelation I have ever had in LIFE! #epicfailx3000

    Reply ↓

      • *takes tissue* Thanks… I used to pride myself on not having “Daddy Issues” (My father died when I was 9, he was a WONDERFUL father, but NOT a good husband) but I think I confused who I remembered him to be as dad, and what I learned about him as a husband when I got older. While this doesnt change my love for him, I now realize my focus was way off… *le sigh*

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  40. Well, damn. I’ve mulled as long as I’m going to. I’m pretty self-aware. I think what people know of me is accurate. What I think of myself is accurate. I’ve never been particularly impressed with my accomplishments although others have indicated that they are; I just felt like I was doing me. (That might sound arrogant but I think y’all know what I mean.) I hope one day I can surprise myself and do some sh*t I really never thought I could do. I’m working towards being as “proud” of myself as the people who love me are.

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  41. I’ve realised that I have a minimum of 5 personalities:

    1. How I want people to see me in person: the cool, laid back, funny, spontaneous Trinidadian who has tons of girls falling at his feet.

    2. How I want people to see me online: the witty, smarter than he actually is, deep while simultaneously being funny Trinidadian.

    3. How people actually see me in person: shrug. Depends on who I’m around I guess. I give off a different aura depending on who I’m around I’ve been told.

    4. How people actually see me online: that dude who comments from time to time and how he keeps mentioning he’s Trinidadian.

    5. How I see myself when I’m alone: lonely. And Trinidadian.

    —

    Honestly, despite whatever “revelations” we have about ourselves, we will NEVER truly see ourselves the way others do. So we can think whatever we want about how we come off. It’s probably a lie anyway, all to make us feel better about ourselves. “I can be an ass at times” may translate to “yea, I’m a badass, and I don’t care, this makes me cool.” Shrug. It’s whatever. We are defined only by the way others define us. No more. No less.

    Reply ↓

      • Well there’s the catch 22. Sure you set the standards for them to define you by, but you are STILL defined by them. You can be trustworthy, but until SOMEONE ELSE confirms this, and defines you as such, all your trustworthiness is for naught. You may think you’re an a$$hole, but if no one you know can vouch for that, then you are inherently not.

        So again, you are, at the end of the day, defined by others. I don’t mean that you let others mold you, but who you are as a person, as a spouse, friend, etc, can only be confirmed by another person. It’s like culture. One culture is only deemed different when compared to another culture. Thus, one is defined by the other.

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        • @ Meisarebel- Your post was hilarious (what country are you from again? lol) I think you made a lot of interesting points. Most of which I agree with. For example, that whole meme of “What my parents think I do, what society thinks I do, what my friends think I do, and what I really do.” was popular because the way we perceive ourselves and the way others perceive us is and will probably always be different. And it was also popular because so many people care how they are perceived and how they actually are. More importantly they care about whether or not those their self perception is the same as others’ perception of them. Even when they say they don’t.

          I’ll touch on that part about how much others’ perception of us matters in another post (cause it’s a really important discussion to have imo). Gotta go handle something real quick

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          • Precisely. We are who we are, but only through the eyes of others. It’s fraked up for sure, but hey.

            I look forward to your take on it.

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            • I guess you could say I’m a duality kinda guy. I think that we are who people perceive us to be to some extent, but I wouldn’t go as far as to say nothing more, nothing less. Let me break down the two categories that make up who we are as beings imo.

              1) We are the consciousness that inhabits our physical bodies. In that sense we monitor and create many thoughts, feelings, emotions, and beliefs that shape our behavior and our interactions with others.

              2) We are also animals. Extremely social animals to be exact. (Even you self-proclaimed “loners” and “introverts” are exponentially more social than a leopard or alligator so don’t argue with this premise) We are so dependent on other human beings for survival, comfort, and assistance that it’s ingrained in our DNA to care greatly about the thoughts, feelings, fears, and opinions of others. So it’s only natural that we take great interest in how others feel about us and how they perceive us. The degree in which we care does vary from person to person, but very few of us truly don’t care at all (or don’t care very much ) but almost all of us say we don’t care that much or at all.

              In summary: We are our own consciousness and we can expand infinitely. However only the most enlightened souls are immune from having their own consciousness informed, affected, or even swayed by the perceptions and opinions about our selves from the viewpoints of others. Also every individual needs others. There are more of them than me, so their perception of me most certainly matters. I myself determine how much their opinions and judgments matter though. That’s why I take pride in productive arguments so that I can prove my case and convince people of my awesomeness and intellect. Plus it’s vital for me to stay sharp on my ability to prove a case in general. It’s a life saving skill to have lol.

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              • I respect this.

                Allow me to play devil’s advocate (though he really doesn’t need one).

                I see you point on not letting the opinions of others sway who you are, your beliefs, etc, and on that note, I agree with you. However, and this may solely be semantics, you are who you are – especially as a social creature – based on how others perceive you. Example: Bob is a kind soul and dependable husband. Who defined Bob as such? His wife? His mother? Sister-in-law? Neighbour? Probably all of them. Who did NOT define Bob as such? Bob. Cause that would be impossible. Bob may strive to be a good husband, but unless his spouse can see and confirm his actions as good, his striving means nothing. We DO mold and shape and create our own personas, or at least those we want to embody, but our impact on society is reflected by how society sees us. A more extreme example? Sure. And this may even be slightly blasphemous, certainly controversial. Osama. He was viewed world wide as a terrorist, enemy #1, and pretty much a vile person. Do you think HE defined himself as such? Who knows, maybe. Maybe not. But as far as the world (myself included) is concerned, he was a terrible person. WE defined him as such.

                On a more personal note, I like to see myself as pretty charming and easy going. I’ve been called an ass, mean, and even a jerk. When my nature/interaction with people did not vary at all. People just perceived differently. And as such, I was classified as whatever they perceived. That’s the beauty of our society I believe. No one person has any definitive persona. Cause to every other person they may be different. And no matter how hard we try to cast ourselves into a particular role, we’ll never fully be stagnant.

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                • I see your points, and many of them I agree with. I think it’s semantics to some degree, but it’s also just how much you value the opinions of others (not you in particular, but any individual) because there will almost ALWAYS be individuals (even if they are in the minority) who view you completely different from others as you pointed out. You can usually find someone who agrees with you or finds qualities about you endearing/refreshing when others find them obnoxious and repulsive. Who’s to say who’s right or who has more credibility? You are who you are, which is a combination of your own consciousness/spirit, your reputation/essence as determined or perceived by others, and your physical self. That was my point, and I’m not sure you disagree with that.

                  ” That’s the beauty of our society I believe. No one person has any definitive persona. Cause to every other person they may be different. And no matter how hard we try to cast ourselves into a particular role, we’ll never fully be stagnant.”

                  Right. Agree completely and we should never want to be stagnant or finished. You should be expanding everyday, let alone every year. Also we should focus more on who we are as opposed to our persona or how others perceive us. Not that how others perceive us doesn’t matter at all, but paying too much attention to it can be extremely detrimental. Ditto for not paying any attention to it. Again, life is ALL about balance

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  42. I’m just LOL @ the Cool Runnings line under the pic! When I was reading it, I was actually picturing Malik Yoba saying it in the movie!!

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  43. Hmm, let’s see.

    the part about “deep” conversations rings true for me and the type of women i’m attracted to. basically, i could care less about what someone thinks about the economy or foreign policy, but if you can break down the similarities between evelyn lozada, joan of arc, and the Chrysler 300, you’re aces in my book

    i used to think that i only dated black women because of some type of nationalist/racial loyalty. but, the primary reason why i’ve only dated sistas is because black women are just more physically attractive than any other type of women.

    also, i’ve always considered myself to be well-read, but although I probably read 50,000 words a week between on the blogs and websites i visit (plus the magazines and newspapers i read), i very, very rarely purchase and read actual books. seriously, i dont even own a copy of MY OWN BOOK.

    Btw, I’m the complete opposite of this: “I thought that because I’m a writer and a rapper and an author and talker and because I communicate often I was a good communicator. It turns out that’s not true”

    Get me in a large group and it takes a while and (at least) a half dozen rum and cokes for me to be able to start to open up. in a one on one/intimate settling, though, I communicate to the point of over sharing/TMI.

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    • I haven’t had time (read: haven’t been bored enough) to read a book in a while. Really I have been working like a fool. The last one I started is sitting on my desk at work. People are impressed when they see it on my desk because it has a long title and it’s not a romance novel. It hasn’t been opened in over a year.

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    • “seriously, i dont even own a copy of MY OWN BOOK.”

      …Now that’s just a shame :)

      Also, I <3 you for the comment about Black women.

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    • I’m actually the opposite when it comes to books, I absolutely love them! I read blogs (obviously) and magazines and whatnot but I love books. My idea of a great day/date night/ activity is going to Barnes and Noble…picking out about 8-10 books…….pulling a couple of chairs to a secluded corner (generally that’s by the african-american fiction or working with wood 101 sections), packing a sandwich (because starbucks sandwiches do absolutely nothing for me), and just chilling. Out of those 8-10 books I usually end up buying at least 2. It’s an expensive habit but I have to blame my mom for that. As she started taking me to story hour at the public library every week starting when I was like 3. When it comes to books I just can’t help myself…..

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    • In other words, you’re shy and people have to get you drunk to get you to open up. Then you’re straight after that.

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  44. Here’s a few revelations about my self-awareness:

    I realized that I have a tendency to offend people when I talk- especially on subjects where I didn’t think I could offend anyone.

    I also realized that I would probably be a complete pain in the ass if I were in a position of power. But if you were powerful, wouldn’t you be as well???

    I also realized for as much trash I talk and how much I take pride in being a douchebag, I actually have a kind heart.

    Lastly, I realized that despite my hatred for all things children, I actually like kids.

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    • dude, I’ve ALWAYS said this, you are an azzholic sweetheart!!! You really are. That’s why I let you and Breezy Baby frolic around hurr without throwing a hissy fit

      vroom, vroom!!

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    • I have said that I never wanted to have children and decided that I also didn’t like children. I was always indifferent to them. Someone had pointed out that children seem drawn to me. Then I began to notice on numerous occasions little faces looking at me smiling and waving–and then all the times random children have run to me embracing me as they’ve always known me. It’s strange.

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    • “I realized that I have a tendency to offend people when I talk- especially on subjects where I didn’t think I could offend anyone.”

      My fellow INTJ! Me too! LOOOL

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  45. topics for the past week have been so on point, been making me think….over think which isn’t something i try to dwell on. being too introspective (all deep n wonderful) isn’t me.

    *as much as i would like to go out and mingle, i really prefer to stay home and read a book but since no man is an island i make that effort. as long ad people don’t come up to me trying to make small talk i’m good.

    *thought i had my ish together but i don’t. foolish mistakes in my 20s lefy me with a 30k student loan and still going to school. (makes me wanna cry sometimes). i’m also lazy yet i still get most things done on time.

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  46. I am anti-social. I can fake it and entertain when i feel like it but its a front.
    I am very logical, to an annoying, condescending f!ck yo feelings fault.
    except when im angry. while I have learned to control my temper as I ve grown older on the rare occassions when I do get mad…i become a raging lunatic.

    i also hate to admit that while I love educated negroes in theory, in reality i can only take so much of the uppity talented tenthness of it all.
    like i like a dude with locs but not the concious beautiful black queen ninja with the velvet,suede, etc sportsjacket with patches on the elbow
    i need you to know to yell “im yo gotti” at the appropriate moment
    i also like to have deep conversations about the most nonsensical topics possible.
    i am very selective about people seeing my softer side. it exists but not for all.

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    • LOL, my friends have labeled me anti-social. That’s how they introduce me at times- “that’s our anti-social friend”- even though I make an effort to be friendly if we’re just hanging out.

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    • i also hate to admit that while I love educated negroes in theory, in reality i can only take so much of the uppity talented tenthness of it all.
      like i like a dude with locs but not the concious beautiful black queen ninja with the velvet,suede, etc sportsjacket with patches on the elbow

      that is so me as well, i rather have fun… jeopardy is only 30mins 5 days a week, why do i have to feel like i am a contestant 25/8??

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      • +1

        And on a tangent note, those “warning: educated black man/woman” shirts annoy the hell out of me…

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  47. Mine are:

    1. I’m a huge procrastinator when it comes to things I really want to do– not because I don’t want to get things done but because what I have to do is so exciting to me that I spend so much time thinking about and being excited about what I have to do that it takes me forever to get to it. lol *rolls eyes at self*

    2. I’m quick to forgive—- even when someone really makes me mad, I can be mad for a time but then if they start coming around behavior-wise and start acting better and being nice again, I forgive them and move on. That is a good thing I guess but sometimes you just want to stay irritated and continue to go off about whatever happened, at least for a llittle while……

    3. I can’t stand people I care about being mad at me—which is probably why I’m quick to forgive others. I don’t think I’m a people pleaser, I just prefer that people be happy and even if they don’t like me that’s cool just don’t be mad at me especially if I haven’t done anything to offend you, and that of course is regarding people that I actually care what they think.

    4. I ABSOLUTELY LOVED NATURAL HAIR and when I first went natural (cut all the relaxer out of my hair for those who don’t know) I thought I was going to unveil a completely new me and I was just going LOVE my hair in its natural state and just utterly get off to the whole thing, I was wrong…..I cried when I left the salon…….. I wore a hat for 2 weeks……..It was rough for the first few months because the girl who was looking at me in the mirror wasn’t the girl I was used to seeing and then over time it started to grow on me. Basically, I realized that just because everyone says that you’re going to feel a certain way, doesn’t mean that that’s how it’s really going to be. I love being natural now and I’m glad I went through those initial feelings because they helped me to realize that I’m still me and I’m still pretty regardless of how my hair looks. But boy it took some time getting there! Since going natural I’ve rocked twist-outs, braid-outs, big fros and the like and have been loving it. Now my hair is loced and I LOVE it, my favorite style yet! okay enough of that but anyways I basically learned that I wasn’t as self confident as I thought I was when I first went natural. I kind of really did have to discover myself and I’m glad I did or rather I’m glad I still am discovering myself ;-)

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    • I stopped getting perms for a while and then one day I cut all the ends off. I thought my little afro was pretty cool…until the 4th or 5th week of my arms hurting from trying to work with it. I’m back on the creamy crack (and my hair has grown back double-time). I might go back one day though when I have more patience- Straight shaving it all off and starting at 1.

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      • Girl, No! Not the creamy crack!!! lol For real though you should definitely give going natural another try, as it does get easier the longer you do it, believe me I’m speaking from experience. Also there’s a whole lot more natural hair products on the market now that make the process a whole lot easier.

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    • 4. I ABSOLUTELY LOVED NATURAL HAIR and when I first went natural (cut all the relaxer out of my hair for those who don’t know) I thought I was going to unveil a completely new me and I was just going LOVE my hair in its natural state and just utterly get off to the whole thing, I was wrong…..I cried when I left the salon…….. I wore a hat for 2 weeks……..It was rough for the first few months because the girl who was looking at me in the mirror wasn’t the girl I was used to seeing and then over time it started to grow on me. Basically, I realized that just because everyone says that you’re going to feel a certain way, doesn’t mean that that’s how it’s really going to be. I love being natural now and I’m glad I went through those initial feelings because they helped me to realize that I’m still me and I’m still pretty regardless of how my hair looks. But boy it took some time getting there! Since going natural I’ve rocked twist-outs, braid-outs, big fros and the like and have been loving it. Now my hair is loced and I LOVE it, my favorite style yet! okay enough of that but anyways I basically learned that I wasn’t as self confident as I thought I was when I first went natural. I kind of really did have to discover myself and I’m glad I did or rather I’m glad I still am discovering myself

      i dont know 1 person that didnt experience this going natural, the mental aspect is real, yo! it is intense and you or your hair never look how you imagined

      its like marriage and pregnancy “they” sell you the dream and then you find out about the shyt no one talks about but everybody knows…lol

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    • Your #4 is one of the reasons why i have not gotten into the whole natural thing. The way i understood it, you will pretty much be busted for at least the first 3 months and sometimes up to a year. Also, unless you have that awesome curly hair, and not hair like wool (that is still awesome if styled correctly) you will have to deal with breakage like no other. Also, the amount of time it seems to take to deal with going natural the first few months just isn’t for me.

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    • I’m in love with big hair and the texture, too. The last time I went to my hairstylist for the big chop she said, “You’re not going to cry?” I didn’t cry because the decision to cut the perm out of my hair was 4 months in coming. I wanted to get it over with. After the cut, my hair was so little, and it felt so good washing & combing it. Now, that it’s big, I wash & comb it with less ease. I’m more than satisfied with the size. Nevertheless, I love the new growths.

      I don’t like to forget, but I like to forgive. I also procrastinate, and it can annoying and irritating. I think about ways to improve my ideas on a daily basis. I always want things that I have to submit to meet my level of perfection. When they do, it’s such a great feeling :) .

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    • LOVE this list! I agree with 3 out of 4 (still high off the the creamy crack) but the others speak very true to me :)

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  48. given the caliber of this week’s posts, i’m convinced panama is going through some sort of existential crisis. not a bad thing at all. i appreciate these thought-provoking entries.

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  49. Self-awareness? Hmm. Lets see.

    1. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I can’t hold grudges to save my life. I think the longest amount of time I’ve harbored a grudge against someone was maybe 2 days. Those feelings of animosity quickly turned to indifference about the person and the situation.

    2. I over-analyze damn near everything. I mentioned this in another post I commented on a few weeks ago, and this rings true. I’ve recently learned how to stop mid thought, but it still happens more than I’d like it to.

    3. I am a multi-faceted person in the sense that I show different people, different parts of my personality. Outside of my immediate family and maybe 2-3 of my closest friends, no one has seen the full extent of my personality. Maybe it’s a side effect of compartmentalizing. *shrug*

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  50. Does anyone else here have a “fear of success”.

    I know that “success” is subjective, but I tend to sabotage my plans for relationships and career goals.
    But im working on it.

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    • A fear of success? I do to an extent. Mine is moreso a mix of a fear of the unknown and allowing it to paralyze me to the point of inaction.

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    • Not so much for me. I have a fear of regret. I get so worried that I’m making the wrong decision, or that I’m leaving a good thing behind, that it can take me forever to make a big decision. I feel stuck sometimes, and I have to remove myself from the situation and re-approach at a later time. I just went through this recently when I made the choice to leave an awesome job to go back to school. Let me tell you, I was a basketcase while weighing all the pros and cons. I’m all set now though.. I think. Wooosaaa

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    • Fear of success. Yup, to a certain extent and it depends on how you define ‘success’. If we’re talking relationships, I’d have to say…. yeah, I have intimacy issues. I don’t want someone getting too close to my heart so I keep my distance. If we’re talking career, hell’s no. I’m always on my hustle trying to make it to the next level, whatever that level may be.

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  51. Once upon a time, this man said to me, “You’re such a Queen, a Queen B. It’s always me, me, me, me…” LOL. I was like “Yah, I’m a civilian. You don’t know me enough.” For some reason, I was hurt by this analysis. Not anymore.

    Nowadays, I recognize he was onto my self-centered-ways. I’m almost always looking out for my self-interest, first, even when I fulfill tasks which can be categorized as sharing and self-less. For instance, I made sure I sometimes split/payed for dinner when we went out. I also excel in gigs with little or no immediate financial gains. In addition, I love contributing to people’s social/economical/intellectual gains and privileges. They’re not charity. I continue to do these things for me, first, and you second. I anticipate little/no pay and people’s ungratefulness. I don’t feel superior or inferior while being this way. I’m aware of my self-worth.

    I usually engage this way because I already feel rewarded for having the opportunity to learn from the experience and contribute to the experience. My self-centered self doesn’t want to have it any other way any time soon.

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  52. A few revelations about my self-awareness:

    1. My husband and children know more about themselves than I ever will. At least they know who their ancestors in Africa are, where their home is (village and city-wise) and they still have family to return to. All I know is my great-great grandparents were brought to Florida from Virginia by wealthy planters. But after that, I’m a complete blank.

    2. I’m a loner. Always have been, always will be. I think people can sense that I’m “different.” At my old job, if we had a banquet or something, I’d usually be at the table with all the other rejects. One thing me and the other rejects had in common was the things we liked, which I guess were more intellectual than what others usually think about (like this blog). And people have told me I’m a really fun person to be around. So, I’m a reject with a likeable personality.

    3. That I’m a sucker for subtitled black Diasporic films that nobody wants to read with me and I’m still desperately looking for Sugar Cane Alley (a movie from Martinique about class, race, and color).

    4. That I’d rather lock myself in a room with 10,000 books than be at a party.

    5. That I live for a good crab boil.

    6. That I also love natural hair (like a few others have stated) and have daughters that do also and that that was one of the first things that attracted my husband to me. My style was different.

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  53. Ok. Things I’m comfortable with. I’ve become a racist over time. I don’t care. I’m also a female chauvanist. I don’t care. I basically think people who are like me are better than everybody else. With me first. People think this is comedy. It’s not.

    Things I’m not so comfortable with. I’m jealous and I choose men who are awkward and insecure because I figure I won’t have much competition. I hate to compete. If he’s into another woman, I’m walking. But I’m also a hypocrite cause I like to keep a spare man, or two, at all times.

    I’m a control freak. If I can’t control the situation, I walk. And I won’t be controlled. By anyone. If Christ himself came down and told me what to do, I’d have a serious hard time being obedient. Me and authority don’t mix.

    I wish I had real girlfriends. I try to hide the fact that I don’t. I know women. I’ve gone to parties and events with women. But I don’t have girlfriends. Every time I get close to a woman, a competition ends up happening and I don’t like to compete, so I bail.

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    • “I’m jealous and I choose men who are awkward and insecure because I figure I won’t have much competition.”

      Tiiight. I’m these things! I’m awkward enough that I can pull off the Magnum Condom Trap without arousing suspicion. And insecurity? Puh-LEASE!! I’m as insecure as they come! This one time I was standing next to this guy and we were both eating hotdogs. I didn’t like the fact that his weiner was longer than mine, so I knocked his hotdog to the ground. When he responded with aggressive questioning, I quickly told him I had relieved him of his weiner because he had put ketchup on it, which is a no-no in Chicago.

      So I’m insecure AND a fast thinker, which can come in handy!

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    • I wish I had a real girlfriend, too. When my HoneyBey said she is scared of women who have no girlfriends, I thought “Oh, don’t be.” Nevertheless, I’m working on it. There this lady I use to tutor. She’s so nice, smart, and experienced. Her drive and strenght motivate me. I wanna continue being her friend. Still, I know more about her than she knows about me. I’ve kept in contact with her. If this works out she’ll be the first real girlfriend I’ve ever had. Hopefully, I’ll continue to open up more.

      I’ve talked, laughed, studied, and worked well with women. Nevertheless, we never reach a deep/real friendship level because we didn’t care enough to reach it or keep in contact when school or work was over. This one is, however, is different :) .

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      • I almost feel like it is easier to make lifelong friends when you are younger. I have made 1 more female friend in my late 20s by my 2 best female friends are from my 7th grade year and sophomore year of college.

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        • +1

          I should have worked harder to stay in touch with childhood and even college friends b/c now it’s just awkward to try to start a friendship as a grown person. But I don’t have many female friends, where I live anyway, and I’m not even a man-stealer! I’m just defected I guess.

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          • Defected? No. More guarded? Probably. I opened myself up more when I was younger than i do now. Maybe it is the same for you.

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            • I’m usually very open. But probably not with women. I feel like I’d scare them away if I got all deep and stuff outta the blue. This is easier to do with men b/c they just want to sleep with you so they will listen to you. Then when they learn I’m not going to sleep with them we have a friendship left over (sometimes). With women, I feel like I’m hitting on them if I try to get to close, which opens doors I just can’t deal with.

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    • “If he’s into another woman, I’m walking.”

      Same here. I also can’t stand competition. Part of the reason why I’m so insecure is because I’ve had too many catty women “compete” with me while simultaneously telling me I ain’t sh*t. I walk away from competition. No, thank you. You can keep that guy. Plenty of other jerks out there lol

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  54. I over analyze everything, including myself. Almost to the point that I can come off as either detached or a a zealot if I have a real conversation with people. But most of my conversations are either superficial or full of jokes so that I don’t sound overly analytical or like a know it all. Or confrontational. People think that I’m trying to argue when I’m really just trying to debate or clarify a point. I genuinely enjoy debating, but when I’m trying to argue a point sometimes it comes off as me trying to win an argument.

    I’m also pretty empathic and intuitive when it comes to understanding peoples motivations and feelings. Sounds like a good thing, but you add that to me being analytical and it doesn’t always end up being a good thing for my relationships. Great for relationship advice, not so good when your girl thinks you’ve been reading her diary or that you’re manipulation her.

    I also judge the content of a person’s character on their preference for overhand tissue placement or underhand.

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  55. - I get attached to things. This past winter, I lost a glove when I rushed off the train (‘cos I fell asleep and almost missed my stop). It was a glove my dad bought me. My favourite pair. I was heartbroken for a long time. Also, I used the same umbrella for 6 YEARS! It was precious to me. We weathered many storms together. One day, I forgot it on the train when I rushed out (‘cos I fell asleep and almost missed my stop). I’m still sad. I’m very selective of, and very kind to the objects I own which is why they last forever.

    - I can’t ever stay awake in a moving vehicle if I’m not driving. Worst roadtrip buddy ever.

    - I’m a minimalist, and I honestly believe having too many possessions is burdensome. This is a problem when you’re from a culture that promotes ostentatious living regardless of ability to fund said lifestyle.

    - I like to think I’m not a picky eater, but I really am. I don’t like cantaloupe, watermelon, sea urchin, coke, monkfish, barbecue sauce (too sweet), coffee, most condiments, beer, etc. I believe only desserts (and the occasional appetizer, and plantains) should be sweet. Everything else should be savoury. Margaritas should always be classic, on the rocks, and with salt on the rim. Whole milk and real butter only. Also, I don’t like sticky rice. Perfectly cooked rice should not clump together (my mum says that). I could go on forever :( I’m a great cook though! That helps when you’re uber picky.

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    • “I can’t ever stay awake in a moving vehicle if I’m not driving. Worst roadtrip buddy ever”

      LMAO! This is me to the core! I’ve never known anyone else who was this way besides myself.

      Reply ↓

      • LOL my ex used to get so pissed off with me cos he’d be trying to make conversation and I’d be nodding off while he drove. Even if it’s a 5 minute drive I’ll doze off at least for 2min. There’s something very soothing about being a passenger!!

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        • I have that problem — and the thing is I later found out that I had colic as a baby, and long drives in the car at night were utilized to get me to go to fock to sleep.

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      • A sentimentalist… I like that word :)

        Along with my older siblings, I was in boarding school from age 9-16. I remember getting letters from my parents, my younger siblings, and occassionally from some of my cousins. I’m in my mid 20s now, but I still have all those letters, as well as bday cards,etc that I recieved from loved ones from age 9 and upwards. I don’t know what I’d do if something ever happend to those items. I’d say they are more valuable than anything else I own. Every other year or so, I reorganize my documents and I read some of the letters. Never fails to make me smile!

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        • question: My family and I pronounce the word ‘plan-tin’ but it seems like everyone else says ‘plan-tane’. I used to give people the side eye for this but I think my fam and I might be the only ones.

          Do you guys know any groups/nationalities that pronounce it ‘plan-tin’???

          Reply ↓

          • Are you Jamaican? Those are the only people I’ve heard pronounce it as such…

            I’m Nigerian, and we call it plan-TAIN

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          • I don’t know, only because I say it in Spanish. So I always say “platanos.” I do believe it is a matter of dialect and that there really isn’t one correct way of saying it.

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    • ” – I’m a minimalist, and I honestly believe having too many possessions is burdensome. This is a problem when you’re from a culture that promotes ostentatious living regardless of ability to fund said lifestyle.”

      YES! This is one of my dilemmas too. Everybody makes you feel guilty for not needing/wanting so much. I don’t even think I’ll need or want a house in the next 15 years for crying out loud. I pack light, because I’m meant to be on the move and free

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      • “I pack light, because I’m meant to be on the move and free…”

        Exactly! Well, my parent’s are fully to blame for this. We moved a lot ‘cos of my dad’s job, and I had to pack and upack every term for school, from a very young age. Owning too much, and clutter in general makes me :(

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  56. I was molested as a child. My lack of religious conviction has everything to do with that and I am okay when concerned folks tell me I’m going to Hell. I had reconciled that as a child.

    Someone mentioned up-thread (TUK) about always trying to make people smile. I do this too mainly because I don’t want to subject people to my usual solemn disposition because it actually frightens people for some reason.

    I have esteem issues which I have embraced to protect myself from exploitation of others. For this people assume I am self assured, no I am just sure that others with do me harm. I’ve been trying to work on that. Basically it took me practically drowning then being rescued by my husband (then guy I was just seeing occasionally) to learn that there are people who are good.

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    • In Japanese social dynamics, instead of hugging each other in public, the women gather together seating or standing next to each other. Some women find that useful when they’ve been through trauma like that. Just stand next to them & be present. I stand next to you. I am glad your husband stands next to you too.

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  57. Hmmm…I guess I don’t know whether my self-criticism is accurate and that I am soooo self-aware (I rolled my eyes as I said that) or if I criticize myself as a defense mechanism to stop others from doing it first. I can’t help but wonder, am I really as bad as I think, say, and insist I am, or am I so lacking in self-awareness that I don’t see that all of my negative thoughts I have about myself are opinions others have that I internalized? It’s hard because I don’t want to seem like I don’t think I have any flaws or any fault in my crappy interpersonal relationships, but I don’t want to continue to express negative opinions of myself that I don’t exactly wholeheartedly believe.

    Growing up sucks.

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    • That negative self criticism to ward off outside judgement. Except you don’t really think its bad, youre just preemptively striking yourself with softball to seem less …..um….bad? I do that.

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        • YES! The pre-emptive strike is real. I do it because I don’t want to EVER in life be surprised with negativity. I hate being blind-sided by something bad, and LOVE being surprised with something positive or flattering.

          Criticizing yourself first is an effective mechanism imo. It reminds me of this practice that Thai kickboxers do during their training. They take steel rods and beat the sh*t out of each other’s shins (sounds painful as sh*t right?) until the nerves die and they have no more feeling. Then they can kick your @ss and be kicked in the shins and it’ll hurt you while they feel NOTHING. This is an extreme example, but it reminds me why I have conflicting feelings about the cultural tradition Afro-Americans have:

          On the one hand the way we jone on each other and play “the dozens” is mean-spirited, anti-social, and can scar some people for life. However, if you own whatever flaw you have and get used to the sting of the criticism you become totally de-sensitized to it and people’s insults don’t stab your soul the way they did when the insults were fresh. Also, you get good at defending yourself, thinking on your feet, being creative and witty, and hopefully not taking yourself or your interactions with others so serious.
          Run to the criticism people, not from it. Otherwise it’ll always bother you…

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          • In some ways, this is such a Black thing.

            I once had a Thai kickboxer writing me letters in French from France. He was vicious in the ring. He even sent photos.

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          • “Also, you get good at defending yourself, thinking on your feet, being creative and witty, and hopefully not taking yourself or your interactions with others so serious.”

            Those are the only good qualities I think I possess, but I take no pride in them because I feel they are reactionary, since they are in reaction to all the negative comments I’ve heard about me. Can’t help but wonder if I actually, truly possess the good qualities too. And the cycle continues…

            Reply ↓

            • Meh… I live in the grey area. Being witty and what not is far more comfortable for me, I grant that (and my mother has even told me I live in the moment too much, and I’ve been criticized by my ex for not planning enough) but totally accepting your flaws isnt necessarily healthy.

              And this is coming from someone who acknowledges his flaws, and knows he SHOULD try to change them, but is too lazy to do so… Not that I’ve simply accepted them, but change is hard. Especially when it comes to yourself. :-/

              Reply ↓

              • Oh I definitely agree with that Meisarebel. I’m talking about the flaws that you can’t change. Those are the ones that eat ppl up the most in my experience. The other ones don’t always bother us as much because we know we can change. This is a problem in itself because changing our character is very hard, but possible. So we tend to procrasinate (euphemism for not do) that part of our self-development. I was just talking about accepting the flaws we can’t change (mainly physical though). Also, sometimes our greatest personality strengths will inevitably be flaws simultaneously. Aggression and directness can be considered a strength and an indication of leadership but by the same coin these traits are often times overbearing, insensitive, offensive, and at times threatening depending on the situation. So people tend to accept their personality traits without learning how and when to tone them down for productive social harmony. Everything in life is about balance. Good point man

                Reply ↓

                • “This is a problem in itself because changing our character is very hard, but possible. ”

                  Exactly. I am so willing to change, I want to, but my question is: what should I change? The negative qualities people say I have, or the ones I actually do possess? Unless I know which is which I can’t do much changing. I am very aware of who I am and what I can or cannot do, but that doesn’t mean I know myself 100%. There is still a part of me that isn’t sure if I’m actually the b*tch I say I am, or if I’m just saying that because I have heard it all my life. Until I know the case, I can’t make that change.

                  Reply ↓

                    • Different reasons. I’m honest. Very honest. People don’t like that. I’m also fair. Just because you’re my friend doesn’t mean I’m going to say you’re doing the right thing when you’re not. I’m sarcastic. Then there was where I grew up. I grew up in Harlem. Girls in my neighborhood tortured me. My sisters were very attractive and sought after and so they chose to take out their jealousies on me. Their mothers would join too. I once had some lady tell her daughter not to end up to be a b*tch like me. The b- word seems to be a woman’s favorite word when she’s being precisely that to someone else. At least when I’m sarcastic, blunt, and not entirely supportive, I can see why I would be called that. I don’t know why any grown woman would call a 10-year-old girl that word.

          • These are good points but can desensitize you a little too much. For example, although Black people’s straight up meanness can give you a thick skin, it can also turn you into a complete azz towards others.

            I didn’t grow up around a lot of Black kids and when I was around them I constantly thought “damn, it’s like that? I thought we were friends?” Everything was an insult followed by endless laughter. It makes you tough but it also leaves no room for weakness or vulnerability, and a lot of times you can’t be yourself or share anything “real” out of fear of ridicule.

            Instead of beating your shins numb, maybe you need someone to ice them and care for them/you instead ;)

            But take my thoughts with a grain of salt, I’m sensitive and sh*t.

            Reply ↓

            • Don’t worry MJoy, I’ll rub your shins and any other sensitive part of your body you need me yo rub. K? ;)

              You made a valid point though. Black ppl are @ssholes. Middle school and high school were pretty f*cked up now that I think about it. We had some fun and I had a lot of fun times but people’s interactions with each other almost always involved one upping each other or making fun of someone. Preferably something they could be insecure about. It was brutal and tense at times. I used to think Africans and other immigrants were overreacting and exaggerating the level of vitriol just because they were sensitive, but we do have a very cold-hearted and anti-empathetic climate in grade school. High school culture is full of ego attacks and violence towards people’s feelings. You’re not allowed to have feelings that don’t allow us to have at least some fun at your expense. Be tough or go cry in a corner where we can’t hear you. That’s kinda the creed with ninjas in aggregate. I definitely need more white friends. I’m movin to the rocky mountains wit my boo :)

              Reply ↓

            • I hear you on this MJoy. There is a reason why my closest Black friends and I don’t do that to each other.

              Reply ↓

  58. So after a particularly enjoyable date Monday (candlelit dinner, he’s really into me), I realized that my yearslong celibacy (don’t ask, it’s been a LONG time) is about more than my waiting for the right guy and situation. I mean, that’s a part of it. But the truth I realized as I laid on the couch with ol’ dude watching “Smash” (yes, he even tolerated a musical TV show for me) is I’m scared as hell. Like, that date was one of the best I ever had and it scared TF out of me. I think it’s because I’m so scared that the guy will turn out to be after one thing, a user, married, try to take advantage of me, break my heart, etc. I am so fearful of all the bad things that can happen that a part of me doesn’t know how to be fully open to the possibility that this one could actually turn out good. But Lord knows I am really try to be patient and not over-think and just go with the flow on this one. Well, VSB, I don’t post often but I really needed this today.

    Reply ↓

    • Oh no!!! Fear not, the Lord is with you!!! As you try to get it on ;)

      Sex after celibacy can be scary. But if you’re not ready, then you’re not ready. He seems like a guy that will wait patiently and politely (Smash? Really?)

      But at the same time, don’t let fear stop you from a good thing. Judge him based on what HE shows you, not on what you think he might be hiding. Maybe tell him how you’re feeling. Maybe he’ll ease your anxiety.

      Or, just get super tipsy until you’re comfortable and then pop in some Marvin Gaye.

      Reply ↓

      • @ femboooooooooooooooooooooo

        Your response is CLASSIC!!! More reason why I luwwwwwwwwwwe you. You are just sooooo like my bestie. Happy go lucky, a ball of sunshine, all around!!!!

        get tipsy, Marvin Gaye then smash-smh!

        Reply ↓

      • Even a simple google search can yield a lot. It’s amazing how much personal information is just hanging out there waiting for whatever. I’d at least start there. Plus you can also just slow down until you find out enough about him to ease your fears, before doing the deed :)

        Reply ↓

        • Thanks for the feedback guys. Believe me, the background check part is easy for me (my job makes me a great researcher). It’s the other stuff that you only get clarity on after taking time to get to know a person that scares the be-Jesus out of me. I don’t have a problem saying “no” until I’m ready. This date just gave me the self-awareness of how much fear I still have to overcome to get to that point. But I’m hanging in there, one episode of “Smash” at a time!

          Reply ↓

    • i understand being scared, but isn’t that just part of life and relationships. putting that trust in somebody else hoping that you hit the “good person lottery”? men go through that too.

      i think thats why so many women get driven crazy by relationships…its the ONE area where you have zero control short of not getting into them. but you can’t win if you don’t play.

      Reply ↓

      • You’re right. In a nutshell, I’ve been subconsciously keeping myself out of the game. And it is about control or, more accurately, me avoiding that feeling of being out of control. But I am seriously raising my own self-awareness so I can “do better.”

        Reply ↓

  59. Let’s see how much to give em today: I’ll start with 5 and if you care to know more I’ll keep going.

    1) I have absolutely no problem criticizing/analyzing myself. In fact, I probably criticize and analyze myself too much. There’s objective self-reflection and there’s being too hard on yourself. I judge myself to a different standard than others because I kinda feel like I’m on another level as far as my understanding of reality and what matters most in my life. Also, I consider myself a jack of all the trades that matter, so there’s no time for lollygagging and bullsh*ttin.

    2) The easier a task is the less likely I am to finish it (on time especially) because my procrastination gene is STRONG and it is most active when a task can be completed with relative ease in a relatively short time period. This has obviously made my life much harder than it should’ve been, but I have no one to blame for this but myself. I play up to my competition though, so when it’s hard I’m more likely to complete it, and in a timely fashion.

    3) If I really like a person I’m extremely loyal, helpful, and empathetic. I want to keep people I like around forever, but I get bored with SITUATIONS rather quickly and want something new and more exciting/fulfilling (probably why I’m in the midst of a career change and couldn’t commit to a career for the last 10 years or so.) I guess I have commitment issues, and a relationship is certainly a “situation” (no Jersey Shore) not a person.

    4) I’m highly perceptive and introspective, but when it comes to doing something I’ve thought about I’ll straight up think myself out of it by running a simulation in my own head too much and missing the window of opportunity. I guess I find my own mind and company entirely too interesting and entertaining to get out of it for the sake of breaking a counter-productive habit. This is weird because I’m not one of those people who’s scared to leave my comfort zone. (I’ve lived in 3 different states in the past 8 years and I can talk to people from any background as long as they aren’t painfully shy, awkward, or psychotic) I’m not shy either…Once you’ve caught my attention I have to make a conscious effort to shutup (as you can see by the length of this post)

    5) I’m very open-minded and into trying new things, but more specifically new games/challenges. Turn anything into a game, competition, or task involving creativity or ingenuity and you’ll get the most out of me (in other words I’ll win). If it’s not challenging or if it doesn’t involve rules, logic, strategy/philosophy, or a winner and loser, then it’ll most likely bore me and compel me to give a lackluster effort. Part of the reason I suck @ popular culture knowledge. It’s the one missing gap between me and my people (if I knew more popular culture I’d strike up way more convos with strangers, because they don’t intimidate me, my lack of knowledge about most people’s interests just makes me assume we wouldn’t have much to talk about initially. I can never stay up to date on popular culture. It just feels like social homework to me smh.

    Reply ↓

      • I know right??? Maybe he’ll just like me and I’ll be in his life forever as that girl he’s NOT committed to. Sounds great.

        @JMTG

        “Turn anything into a game, competition, or task involving creativity or ingenuity and you’ll get the most out of me”

        I wish I had this trait. Competition gives me anxiety like nobody’s business. A trait I’ve tried to conquer for years and just can’t. If I’m not 90% sure I’m gonna win… I don’t wanna play. I had to quit the track team because of that damn gun! I’m really, is all of that necessary? You could be the ying to my yang if you don’t get completely bored with my situation. lol.

        Reply ↓

        • “Competition gives me anxiety like nobody’s business. A trait I’ve tried to conquer for years and just can’t. ”

          Haha, well that’s a plus for you then because competitive people are most compatible with others who aren’t competitive. Otherwise they subtly become an opponent in many different areas of life lol. Competition gives most of us anxiety though, it’s just that most competitive people really like or at the very least appreciate and embrace the anxiety because it’s nothing but your fight or flight reflex. It’s literally a drug your body produces on its own when it’s time to buckle down and potentially fight to the death. A helluva drug it is too lol

          Reply ↓

    • “There’s objective self-reflection and there’s being too hard on yourself.”

      That’s where I fail. I am way too hard on myself. It ceases to be self-reflecting and is more self-destructing.

      Reply ↓

  60. Hmm..self-awareness…
    1… I have a very sharp tongue. To the point that I can easily hurt those close to me with insights that would crush their soul. In order to keep this in control, I learned to not get angry, and always keep calm and cool.

    2. I’m inherently nice. I can’t take advantage consciously of others, and ill bend over backward in the prescence of others (especially women) so I pretty much ending up being that great guy friend. It used to annoy me in the past, but I’m used to it nw. Since this is a non-attractive trrait to the women I’m attracted to, (or rather, low-essential trait), I’ve begun working on satisfying personal ambitions, and worked on things more important than relationships or love.
    3. I ‘sandbag’ at times, whereas I rock the right mask for the mission, if that makes sense (sorta like lelouch from code geass)

    4. I’m slowly turning conservative like my father. In some/most ways, not all. *shrugs*

    Reply ↓

    • “I’m inherently nice. I can’t take advantage consciously of others, and ill bend over backward in the prescence of others (especially women) so I pretty much ending up being that great guy friend.”

      Change that last part to great female friend, and that’s me right there lol

      Reply ↓

  61. ***BREAKING “OH NO SHE DIDN’T” NEWS****

    I know this chick did not just flush the toilet a total of FOUR TIMES, I repeat FOUR TIMES and then proceed to walk out of the bathroom without washing her hands!!!!

    *think I just throw up in my mouth*

    Reply ↓

  62. Some more…

    i don’t enjoy getting awards/recognition as much as I hate not getting them, if that makes any sense. for instance, i was (and still am) pretty blaise about us winning all of those black weblog awards last year, but i would have been very, very annoyed if we didnt win. i hate losing more than i enjoy winning

    Reply ↓

  63. I’m awake when other people or driving- what if they fall asleep?? I’m too scary for that. I don’t appreciate when people fall asleep during a road trip either (unless we’ve had some music conflicts. then you can take your a.s.s. to sleep while I listen to Mariah back to back.)

    Reply ↓

  65. I’m fully aware that:

    1. I am extremely sensitive and emotional. I try to hide it but never can, ever. If you’ve affected me I will act like you didn’t then tell you how much you did and that I tried to be strong and hide it but just couldn’t. As if I usually can hide it but whatever you did was just so egregious I just had to say something….although I always say something.

    2. I love open people, will let someone talk about anything, I’m all ears, but then when it comes to me I can be shy because I think no one actually cares.

    3. Failure is hard for me to deal with. I recently failed in a major way and am afraid I will never recover.

    4. I’m a freak. Time to just face it.

    5. I’m very attracted to women.

    6. I will always be an idealist on probably way too many topics… like war, I strongly believe it should be replaced with chess.

    Reply ↓

    • ” I recently failed in a major way and am afraid I will never recover. ”

      *e hugs*

      Everything you wrote sounds exactly like my sister.

      Reply ↓

      • love you femboo!!!!!

        I’m trying to do it Donnie style girl! One day at a time.

        and as for women… I don’t know what more to say. hahaha. I’m just attracted to them like more than ‘I’m a drunk girl making out with my friends’ attracted. Like for real, for real. But I tend not to act upon it.

        Reply ↓

    • “3. Failure is hard for me to deal with. I recently failed in a major way and am afraid I will never recover.”

      Me too. But I’m here for you. E-hug.

      “5. I’m very attracted to women.”

      Oh my goodness me too! Bam, another thing we have in common!

      “6. I will always be an idealist on probably way too many topics… like war, I strongly believe it should be replaced with chess.”

      I love Chess! However, I believe flirting, not war, should be replaced with chess. Winner gets to decide whether or not sex will happen. Maaan, my body count would skyrocket if things were this way.

      Reply ↓

      • ” I love Chess! However, I believe flirting, not war, should be replaced with chess. Winner gets to decide whether or not sex will happen. Maaan, my body count would skyrocket if things were this way.”

        HAHA! I love that idea. Or we could even negotiate which game we play. Doesn’t matter because I’d win at least 60% of the time. I’d approach ALL THE TIME if all you had to do was win a game, smash, then play another game to determine the nature of the relationship lol. Then I wouldn’t have to explain, assuage, and tip toe around feelings all the time. “I mean, it is what it is. You lost the game so this is what we have to be” lol

        Reply ↓

        • “Then I wouldn’t have to explain, assuage, and tip toe around feelings all the time. “I mean, it is what it is. You lost the game so this is what we have to be””

          LMAO! Hell yea. Like, “Look, you’ve known for a while now that I’ve wanted to smash your sister. We played Spades, I won, so now you have to gimme the number. Those were the terms, babe.”

          Reply ↓

    • “I love open people, will let someone talk about anything, I’m all ears, but then when it comes to me I can be shy because I think no one actually cares.”

      I relate. That’s my favorite phrase: “nobody cares”

      Reply ↓

  66. VSB pippoz, find me a gotdamn e-boo to flirt with! I am going threw major withdrawals syndromes that have me questioning my femininity!!!!!!!!!!!

    *ABSOLUTELY SHAMELESS*

    -riot act readers, stay away from me.

    Reply ↓

  67. “thought I wanted to date women with big hair who had the big hair angst and social justice guilt and conscience who were artsy and blah blah blah. It turns out I just like big hair.”

    I swear we are brothers… I am the exact same way. Even got my fiance to go natural for a moment (she’s back on the creamy crack, BLAST!!!). I had a chick who was big haired, artsy, afro centric. But didn’t work. Realized I wanted a more “hood chick with big hair” lol

    Reply ↓

  68. Ok ok… So I’m not a frequent commenter but this topic is one of the best.

    1. I’m scared of being hurt so I’ve avoided relationships with a Passion. All I do is meet girls and engage in lubricities. When the topic of a relationship comes up, everything ends.

    That’s all I feel like sharing for right now.
    I shall be a regular though

    Reply ↓

  69. Can somebody teach me how to wink with a keyboard!!!! Its very urgent for my flirtatious long legged diva dot com, business that I’m about to launch on here in the commentary section.

    Reply ↓

  70. Time to confess now that no one’s reading.

    I thought I was totally down to earth because I am not as stuck up as I was perceived to be as a child. However, I have come to accept that I am a little elitist, snobbish and arrogant in some ways–just not EVERY way.

    I thought I’d be happiest if I could just get away from people, but now I know I need people. They just have to be the right people.

    Reply ↓

  71. Summary Corner

    1.)There is an interesting new love development. Scroll through the comments. Not going to state explicitly. All I know is that the temperature in VSB has been turrrrrrnnnnnnnnt all the way up, from today henceforth. It’s beautiful, ya’ll!!! I love when beautiful people love one another.

    2.) Natural hair seems to be quite popular with the fellows. Seems like us, artsy types are not gerrin love because of our artistic inclination, but the crown a top of our heads. That’s a-okay.

    3.) There was one commentor, who I think wanted to post in planet Uranus or is it Pluto and somehow found themselves on earth. The comment was so bizarre. But then again, who am I to judge?!

    4.) Tonight’s commentor worthy of mention is AWE, she reached out to another sista and I have to give her a standing ovation for that. Sisterhood is a beautiful thang. Clearly this goes to show that words leave a stain. Use them wisely.

    5.) Oh yeah there are crater objects to be found in Chicago.

    Reply ↓

  72. Self-awareness:

    1. I always run into obstacles/some type of mini-life crisis when I look at the lives and ideals of others and try to put parameters on my free-spirited Piscean self
    2. I love teaching and working with young people but hate interacting with adults and their work politics
    3. I am an introvert and it stems from a fear of being rejected and/or having the deal with the guilt of being bored or annoyed by others
    4. I live in my own head
    5. If I had it my way, I would quit my job and run away to France and have some Chocolate man with an accent feeding me grapes, discussing Charles Bukowski’s poetry, arguing about which one of us is going to get up and poor some more “breakfast”
    6. The older I get, the more I am attracted to the “Intelligent Thug” archetype but have yet to suceed in finding one with the right combination. And if he still has held on to some old dusty videotapes that he recorded off of The Box back when he was a young dude, …yeah,…major turn on.
    7. I am moody as sh*t and think too much

    Reply ↓

  73. Self-awareness must have made it mainstream since my cashier at Pret gave up free breakfast for my “beautiful big hair” this morning.

    My contribution is as much as I LOVED my HBCU experience – 4 years of college + XX years of living in Chocolate City hasn’t changed much of what growing up 18 years with my 2520 mother did. So yes, you’re gonna have to put me on to movies like Malcolm X, Harlem Nights and The Last Dragon and no, I don’t “feel so much more at ease in the city”. I can hookup an amazing green bean hotdish tho!

    Reply ↓

  74. This has been one of the best posts/comments I’ve read this week.
    Im shy and people feel very uncomfortable around me. Totally different after a couple of shots. Im an underachiever because of my shyness. I know Im smart but I dumb myself down so no one notices me. This basically has set me back years. Im a work in progress and thankfully Im lucky so Im hopeful that I can turn things around before I end up alone with 100 cats.

    Reply ↓

  75. Pingback: A Gift to You That Benefits All « SolsticeSon's Celebrational Servings

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