The Obligatory VSB Recap of the 2012 BET Awards #CashinOut

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I figured that I should watch the 2012 BET Awards because I’m slightly masochistic. Perhaps also I believe inflicting pain upon myself. Or does that mean masochistic. See, I’m 3 minutes in and I’m already feeling dumber. So let’s just recap what I’m seeing…mmkay pumpkin? And father forgive me, for I knew not what I signed up for. This joint lasted forrrrrrrrrrrrrever. No little blue pill.

Hey BET, why was this show so damn long?

Samuel Jackson and Spike Lee. Stop it. Let’s not even focuse on the fact that Spike has on a kilt. I’m fairly certain that Kanye is the only person who can actually pull off a kilt. And that’s saying something. By the way, I wonder if they practiced any of this. I’m fairly certain that Spike walked up to Sam before the show started and said, ‘yo, I have this great idea. It’s just like one of my movies!’ Sam was like, “well he did do Malcolm X.” After it was done and Samuel was like WTF was that SPIKE!!!! Spike was like, “it was just like She Hate Me, right?”

DAMMIT SPIKE!

Why was Kanye sweating so much. I know he wasn’t nervous. That was reminiscent of the Bobby Brown crackhead sweat that happened during the famous “crack is wack” Barbara Walters/Whitney Houston interview some years ago. Kanye needs to look into that. STAT.

I actually believe that Samuel L. Jackson is friends with everybody in the world. The Dalai Lama f*cks with SamJack.

Usher has on pink shoes. They don’t seem to match his oufit or this song. Hey Usher, Chris Brown called, he wants his gay ass outfit steez back. And let me ask you all a question…serious question time…is it me or did Usher sound like pure azz. In fact, at this point I’m not sure if Chris Brown is going to perform tonight, but let’s just say this was the official passing of the torch from Usher to Chris Brown. You saw it there folks, Usher relinquished the R&B crown to Chris Brown with a horrible vocal performance and sh*t. In fact, f*ck it all, let’s just say that his divorce is affecting him more than anybody realized.

Any awards show where Common is a legitimate contender for best actor is merely window dressing for performances. Oh, and Kevin Hart beat Denzel Washington. Okay. Alright. White people would never let this happen.

I’ll bet Kevin Durant didn’t know he was up for Sportsman of the Year. I feel like one of his boys whose sole job is to watch sh*t like this to keep Durant up on things texted him to say, “yo, KD, you just won Sportsman of the Year on BET.” KD: “What the f*ck is BET? Do they make Doodlejump?”

Big Sean mama looks like she reads books. Big Sean looks like he tried to lift weights with comic books. Big Sean needs a new name. He looks tiny on stage.

There was gospel. And Yolanda Adams. I almost feel like any time there is to be gospel there is to be Yolanda Adams.

So why do they even do best Male R&B artist categories anymore? As long as Chris Brown is involved isn’t the answer predetermined? He also looks old as THE f*ck.

Um…did Elle Varner just walk into my consciousness? Because I never really paid attention to her before. Oh who am I kidding, I don’t care anymore.

I’m sorry Chuck Perry, but this was NOT the venue to do anything experimental. I don’t care what community you’re apart of, Black people do not like change and things we don’t know about. We suck at supporting things we cannot understand. And there were no drums. You are change and something we don’t know about. Go try Williamsburg.

I actually thought that when Nicki Minaj started performing that it was Lil Kim on stage. This might mean that Lil Kim has an argument. Oh, I really feel like folks should be required to do the clean versions of songs Or do songs that can actually HAVE a clean version. Also what is her aversion to doing popular songs in favor of songs that nobody knows. Somebody needs to talk to her handlers about this.

2CHAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINZ. I’m starting to get 2 Chainz fatigue. I’m not sure what to do with this information at this time. But it’s true. Hold me. 2 CHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAINZ.

I ain’t saying that somebody got paid off for Wale and Miguel to win an award against Drake/Lil Wayne/Rick Ross…but somebody got paid off. And Miguel looked like a guy who went to jail in 1956 and JUST got released but NOBODY told him that the styles had changed. And he just found out. OR Maverick Carter is his management and this his second biggest faux pas after “The Decision.”

I ain’t one to gossip so you ain’t heard this from me, but Valerie Simpson jacked her hair from the same woman who did Wale’s hair.

Melanie Fiona looks like she should be more attractive than she is. And I don’t mean this as a dis. I mean it as a call to action. Melanie Fiona also makes all the songs that Adele said, “nope, not good enough, what is this bullsh*t.”

Hey BET, for the next time D’Angelo does a performance, could you PLEASE put the mic at the requested height on his rider. I don’t appreciate him having to stand on his toes to sing. Oh, and get him some TCB please. This n*gga ALSO had on some gotdamn tassles or fringes or something. ANGIE STONE WHERE ARE YOU WHEN HE NEEDS YOU!?!?!?!? Real spit though, D’Angelo looks kind of like a fat guy who got swole then got fat again. Good performance though, though I can’t lie, I’m happy as hell to see D’Angelo…alive.

Dammit with D’Angelo and the potbelly. But he put on such a Sly Stone style performance that folks in the audience were confused as hell but really happy he was…alive.

Mindless Behavior looked like education gone wrong. And like a gay version of B2K. #nttawwt

..this started to get hard to pay attention to…

…not that this is bad or anything, its just long…THATS WHAT SHE SAID…

Why does ANY rapper rap to a rap track. For instance, this MMG set…well, sucked. For that reason and that reason alone. By the way, is there a woman alive who would accept, “you look like a bag of money” as an actual compliment? If so, let me know so I can refer you to the hood ninjas in my neighborhood.

By the way…at this point, I’ve been drinking. The awards have gotten less interesting from a “paying attention standpoint”.

By the way, this is the convo going on around me when Tyler Perry’s name was mentioned: “he’s gay, he’s a coon, he got sexually abused, his face is too big, his eyes scream gay, he’s giving me a lot etc etc etc…”

I’ve got to give a shoutout to BET for finding Joe. He’s been missing for a long time. Even milkboxes gave up trying to find him. Real talk though, Joe’s LAST relevant song came out in like 1999. Why is he on stage doing a Frankie Beverly tribute?

Judge Mathis was there y’all.

Frankie Beverly sounds like he’s smoked a lot of cigars in his life.

I hate to say this but Kerry Washington looked sick and extremely unattractive while she was presenting with Jamie Foxx who looked like he was going to smoke her up after the show went off.

So, Django Unchained. I’m completely confused as to what the hell is going on with that movie. But its Quentin Tarantino. That says everything and nothign at the same damn time.

Chris Brown likes to take some odd choices with his fashion. I might also design to spray paint a 6-pack on myself. DC, beware. I’m coming to take all your ladies.

Al.

Brandy did a good job with her Whitney Houston set. This Whitney Houston set was good except when it was odd *coughWhitneysbrothercough*, but it was good. I wonder if other celebrities up in Heaven get in their feelings because they got a picture and a song in the background and Whitney got 20 minutes. Oh well, it’s Whitney.

And I’m spent.

That’s the recap folks. You’re welcome. I did this for you. It almost killed me. I’m done.

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. I SAT THRU THIS SH*T aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

DCers: This Saturday, July 7, 2012, come on out to Liv Nightclub for REMINISCE!!!!!!! It’s the official DJ Quartermaine Birthday Bash and we’re the afterparty for the 1-year anniversary of Urban Cusp and its founder, Rahiel T! From 930pm-3am, we’re taking you back to the 90s for all the fun you can handle. Free before 11pm with RSVP, open bar from 930-1030, and no dress code, it’s the HOTTEST PARTY IN THE CITY!!!!!! REMINISCE w/ VSB!!! Peep the flyer and RSVP here!

322 thoughts on “The Obligatory VSB Recap of the 2012 BET Awards #CashinOut”

  1. All I have to say is…I’m HELLA salty tonight! I live on the West Coast, where the BET Awards are tape delayed. But I’m visiting DC for the 4th, so I could have seen it live. But noooooooooooo, I had to go have dinner with family and stuff. Yes, I’m complaining about live-tweeting a coonfest instead of spending quality time with my family I seldom get to see. What have I become?

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  2. this.is.so.damn.true

    best part i saw(skit caught on an aftershow): “this n… got a lightsaber”

    #why and #wtf

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    • random
      *fefe dobson come back; usher and chris brown need to sit the f*ck down-tired of their overhype
      *kerry washington is anorexic* (although i love her talent)
      *deangelo should have taken a little more comeback time; i think they rushed…

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      • “*fefe dobson come back; usher and chris brown need to sit the f*ck down-tired of their overhype”

        Fefe Dobson did come back late last year- and her album went double wood.

        Usher hasn’t put out anything good since “8701″- and Chris Brown hasn’t put out anything good…AT ALL!!!

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          • “Confessions” was good, not great. It would have been great if Usher used more Jam & Lewis and less Jermaine Dupri.

            As a man fastly approaching 40, it’s a little difficult for me to say Chris Brown put out some good music. If I was a teenage girl, my opinion would be vastly different. You’re still the homie though, LOL!!

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        • no, that fefe is not “THE FEFE”, her ID was stolen. She has alot of potential, but I don’t know what happened…

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    • Probably was the funniest thing tonight was the Real Hollywood Husbands skit. Good thing they are turning it into a actual show….because it has potential to be pretty epic.

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      • It’s going to be a real show? Quick question: Who’s going to be the male NeNe? My money’s on Shemar Moore LMAO!!!

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          • Shemar, used to be that hot thang when I was younger, but now that my tastes have refined and aged oh so beautifully to include dark GODIVA chocolate, shiiiiiiyete, he is just a joke.

            And I feel like if ever we were together we’d be fighting for the mirror and my makeup. He pweety doe, like maaaaad pweety. Like he could definitely upstage a lady if he wore a wig.

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  3. “Why does ANY rapper rap to a rap track. For instance, this MMG set…well, sucked. For that reason and that reason alone. By the way, is there a woman alive who would accept, “you look like a bag of money” as an actual compliment? If so, let me know so I can refer you to the hood ninjas in my neighborhood”

    You look like a bag of money is the hood way of saying you look like a million bucks. Probably since he has bags of money and not a million bucks, he thought the compliment would be ok. It isn’t. Also, who is/are MMG?

    So I went to the Drake concert here a few wks ago. I missed Future but heard some 2chainz and it was just simply noise bc he was rapping over his own song. I was like “dude, you are live. It’s not like you are singing AND dancing! You are simply rapping in place. Stop now.”

    Last thought, I saw a picture of Lil Kim recently and she really does look horrible. Like light ashy plastic gone wrong.

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  4. I didn’t watch because I already killed enough brain cells smoking, er, from second hand smoke. Yes that’s it. Second hand. Smoke.

    Anyhoo, I nominate this kind sir, Panama, for having the bravery to sit through the BET awards, give a run down of it, AND still retain his IQ. If that aint talent, I don’t know what is.

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  5. The show could have been better if the artist could have been more respectful and performed cleaner versions of their songs but other than that, I thought this years award show was…… nice (specifically: hearing Maze f. Frankie Beverly music). And I totally agree about Melanie Fiona.

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    • I said the same thing about Melanie…like she’s like amazingly mediocre yet has so many good qualities (can she dance? i’ll check youtube)

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  6. Highlight of the night for me was, drum roll!!!

    WALE!!!!!

    This boy done did his hair!!! Ya’ll ,he looked like he showered, and made me believe in Jesus having shed his blood at Calvary’s crossings, so that his locks would finally shine and stay fly, instead of looking like cactus roots growing from his head. Jesus’ death was NOT in vain! Not at all!!!

    Furthermore, he did not look like a dishevelled wanna be thug that grew up in the burbs trying to fit in. Eeeeeyo, @Sir Farouk, if you know him personally, tell him African Mami makes bomb fufu and egusi stew! That boy needs to be FEEEEEEEEEEDDDD! Cheeiiiiiii!! his pants be falling off for lack of meat in his thighs and yansh.

    Shourr outs to my girl Lira, who looked like the Afrikan goddess that she is. Muah, love you mama!!!

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  7. Best part of the show was watching Kim Kardashian not know exactly what to do or when to do it. Maybe that’s why Kanye was sweating so much he didnt teach her the dos and donts of BET awards.
    Oh and Mindless Behavior with the Lauryn Hill joke attempt could have been skipped.
    And finally whoever was in charge of the mute/censor button should be fired and I need BET to invest in a 2sec delay feature because some parts were just ridiculous

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    • Omg Kim got shade the whole night! That epic moment when Kane hugs beyonce and she’s congratulating him, jayz kinda just taps Kim’s arm lol..she didn’t know whether to laugh , or clap ..just sit pretty

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      • I saw that. It was hilarious to me….Last night should have been a reality check for her….Your not special because you have a big A$$ and a smile.

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    • She seemed so out of place and unnatural. Like when Big Sean won, She stood up with ‘Ye and thought Big Sean was going to hug her. Or when D’Angelo was performing she looked like she was asking Kayne…”Who is that homeless looking ninja with the ashy skin?”

      They really should put Ray-J right beside Kim and Ye’ to remind viewers WHO made her popular.

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      • “They really should put Ray-J right beside Kim and Ye’ to remind viewers WHO made her popular.”

        So wrong, but so funny…lmao!

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      • They really should put Ray-J right beside Kim and Ye’ to remind viewers WHO made her popular.

        It’s funny because it’s true.

        Also, dude is still getting brain off of his video, so it’s all good on his end. :)

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      • “Or when D’Angelo was performing she looked like she was asking Kayne…”Who is that homeless looking ninja with the ashy skin?”

        LMAO!!!! Stop it!

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          • Real talk, you would have thought she would have heard a song or two between messing with Ray J or messing with Kanye. I suppose she never spent Sundays with them or went to a cookout full of negores. It’s kind of hard NOT to hear a Frankie Beverly with Maze song during either of those periods. LOL

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            • Funny, bcuz every blk guy she’s ever dated she cookes “soul food” for. Even more funny…she wasn’t brought up on that. *cues “Bees in the Trap”*

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            • She could have also watched a Tyler Perry Play because he always plays/sings or acts out on some Frankie Beverly…

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              • Did you see Kim K’s little tired plate of soul food she made for Kanye and took a photo of? Some mushy mac and cheese, and two little chicken wings that were barely seasoned or fried and some overcooked string beans that were shriveled up.

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                • Ewww yes I saw that…it was a pitiful mess. Kim K reminds me of the white girlfriend your cousin brings home from college for a cookout…yet she has only been to BBQ’s so she doesn’t know how to necessary ACT at cookout’s

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    • Kim K looked so uncomfortable. JayZ’s tap was a signal for her to stay in her lane. In the ratchetness of Evelyn Lozada “Kim K you ain’t about this life”.

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    • yeah, i kind of felt bad for Kim K. its like she’s still trying to fit in without pissing anybody off and what not but has no clue what she’s supposed to do.

      she’ll figure it out i suppose. but thats what happens when you’re trying to sit at the table wtih the cool kids. you try to hard.

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    • “Best part of the show was watching Kim Kardashian not know exactly what to do or when to do it. Maybe that’s why Kanye was sweating so much he didnt teach her the dos and donts of BET awards.”

      *Laughing So Hard — clutches side*

      *smhl*

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  8. I did not watch the award show, per usual. I did, however, note how my conference call was interrupted by one of the members loudly yelling “D*mn…..her [Nicki Minaj] *ss is way too huge”, followed by two more members of the conference talking about how they’d like to pop it with their peens.

    …and that is why you cannot do business with black people.

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  9. My thoughts….

    I would love to play a round of golf with Sam Jackson. Spike Lee in a leather Knicks Kilt and Sam with glasses circa 1993 was straight up hillarious. I’m still lol’ing at Sam pulling a light sabre on Kevin Hart.

    Kevin Hart winning best actor over Denzel, Idris and Don Cheadle (House of Lies is probably one of the best shows this year) is total BS. I was like…how that midget beat all those tall people for that.

    Yolanda Adams’ wig was not heaven sent.

    Frankie Beverly is like one of the coolest ole heads out there. And his speech was straight up wisdom.

    Jay side eyeing Kim was probably worth wasting my Sunday night https://instagr.am/p/Mj-p11nnjz/media/?size=l

    I got hot links on the grill and now I’m cashin’ out…*Kanye mic drop*

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  10. I disagree in one part peej. I thought the sam jack/spike lee opener was hilarious!! You gotta take it for what it was-comedy. I couldnt focus on nikki minaj’s song cuz i couldnt stop ogling her big ol fake booty. You could see dat thang from the FRONT! Im not sure bour that new movie either. Django? Sounds like a board game lmao

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