DISCLAIMER: Most pictures are SFW. Except possibly the pic at 8 and 9. All others should be okay. Also, due to the SFWness, my picture pool was vastly limited. Thank you.
Self-reflection is a b*tch. Many of us find it hard to honestly assess who we really are. Some of us think that we’re the bees knees; others of us don’t think we’re worth any of the attention we get.
So what does this have to do with the price of pantyhose in Malaysia?
You ever know a chick who acted a little bit more assholish than their face seemingly allowed? You know what I mean, chicks who were busted but didn’t seem to realize it, or at least didn’t fully respect their inner-Gremlin. I’m talking about the women who ultimately end up pissing people off because they don’t stay in their lane.
Panama, what are you talking about?
Glad you asked.
Let’s say you’re a 3 on a 10 point scale, but you galavant around like you’re an 8.
That’s what I’m talking about. And luckily, I’m here to help out with this. Follow me:
PANAMA PRESENTS I CAN’T GET PAST YOUR FACE
If you’re between a 1-3 (I generally wouldn’t talk about you being as my mama said if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all) OR don’t look better than Cicely Tyson at age 80 in Miss Jane Pittman (at age 25), you should:
-Shut the f*ck up, be silent, and only speak when spoken too.
-Stop pretending to be important. You’re not.
-Take every sexual encounter as possibly your last and let the man do every nasty thing he can think of. It may be your only shot at procreation. Put a hole in his rubber.
4 OR Kimberly Elise (in most movies) you should:
-Be nice. You won’t get married if you’re not. Especially if you’re not famous.
-Stop pretending that you look good in anything. You don’t. Just read more, it’s your only chance to not always be the busted chick who’s just barely ugly. You can be the busted chick who’s barely ugly who knows a lot about The Amistad Revolt.
-Smile a lot and be nice to people. Otherwise people might not like you or will only respect you for your body. And if you’re Terri J. Vaughn, you don’t have a body, so they won’t respect you. If you’re Elise Neal, they’ll just put you in videos cuz you’re stacked. Other than that, you’ll just be some man’s jump-off.
-Much like the 5′s you should smile a lot but you also shouldn’t be talking reckless about other clearly more attractive women. You will be deemed a hater and you know what, you probably are. Stop it. God doesn’t like ugly. He’s only mildly interested in you.
7 OR Sanaa Lathan:
- At this point, you have some leeway to be kind of an a**hole. SOME. If you’re in this range make calculated risks. Most men will be okay with leaving you for a sarcastic, jacka*sish 8. And there are a lot of them out there. Be the cool, girl next door. Which is good – you’re close. Nobody wants to work hard or go too far for a 7.
- These women (we’re getting to fewer and further between) have a lot of leeway to pretty much do and say what they want, though there’s only so much most people, men and women, will take from a woman who ain’t a dime. However, if you look on par with Gabrielle Union, I’ll probably deal with anything you throw at me, until a much finer woman shows me some attention. Survival of the fittest. That Darwin, what a genius.
You’re pretty free to be the true jacka*s that you want to be and 9 out of 10 men will not only deal with, find it cute. However, if you use your powers to be a manipulative person, most people will get over you easily. Remember, show me a beautiful woman, and I’ll show you a man who’s tired of f*cking her. Trust me, that’s true.
10 or Halle Berry:
Just don’t get fat and the world is your oyster. Mkay? Mkay. And be a sweetheart? You.are.golden.
In a nutshell, if you ain’t hot, don’t act like you’re hot. Believe me, EVERYBODY ELSE KNOWS WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE. Stop it.
P.S. I realize that this requires us to be more honest with ourselves than we really want to be, however, just because you can’t say it about yourself doesn’t mean somebody else won’t tell you. If you really aren’t sure, just ask.
Cuz I’ll tell you.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P
Also, feel free to direct all disagreements about the women I’ve chosen and their ranking to our Complaints Department, here.