The Litmus Tests of Love: Dating and Relationship “Firsts” No One Ever Talks About

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“It was cool until he ended the sentence with a smiley face, And then ended the next sentence with another smiley face.”

This statement came from a friend of mine (“Toni”) who was recapping the days leading up to a very underwhelming date she had last week. One of her relatives hooked her up with some guy, and before they met in person they spent a couple days talking on the phone and through Gchat.

Now, according to Toni, the guy actually had some potential, but the smiley face faux pas during their first conversation put him in a hole that was too difficult for him to get out of. And yes, a guy using emoticons in a conversation with a woman he’s interested in dating is a major mistake. At that point, you might as well just tell her that your dick’s the size of a 24 tablet Advil bottle. Smiley faces and sh*t should be reserved for women you’re already sleeping with or women you have absolutely no intentions on ever dating. Basically, girlfriends and parents.

Anyway, by the time they actually got around to going on a date, he would have had to been a combination of Idris Elba and Stephen Hawking to get Toni to warm back up. I know some will read this and think that Toni was being too harsh on a brotha, but you can’t underestimate the importance of the first conversation.

More crucial than the overrated first impression and more influential than the first date (Why? Well, a great first conversation can get you a second date if the first date is awful.), the first conversation sets the tone and expectation level for the rest of the relationship. It’s basically exactly like the first semester in college, except that instead of academic probation and decreased financial aid, an awful first long conversation will get you, well, nothing.

Anyway, there’s a ton of dating and relationship literature already devoted to sh*t like first dates, first kisses, first time meeting the parents, first time sleeping with her friend, and other relatively insignificant benchmarks, so today I’m going to shed light on a few more firsts that actually f*cking matter.

The first time having great sex

I say “first time having great sex” instead of just “first time having sex” because for many (if not most) people in new relationships, the first time having sex is usually an exercise in awkwardness. Aside from the fact that you’re still learning about each other and each other’s bodies, there’s the whole “Damn. He definitely knows about my mutant tiger nipple now. No hiding it anymore” factor as well.

But (hopefully) you see the potential there, and you keep progressing until, one day, you decide to get all Justin Slayer and Jasmine Cashmere on each other. Lamps are broken, pounds are lost, walls are hit, sheets are ruined, cops are called, and pets are frightened. What happens afterwards, though, is even more important as great sex has a funny way of changing a relationship’s dynamic. You’ve gone from “a couple” to “a couple capable of f*cking the sh*t out of each other,” and not everyone can handle that transition.  Some turn asshole. Others turn clingy and suspicious. Either way, you won’t know unless you actually do it, and it’s a very fun and very important barrier that each new couple needs to cross.

The first time someone says something not completely positive about the other’s parents

Generally speaking, there are three possible reactions to hearing “Your mom’s green beans were a little salty yesterday” from your mate

A) Laugh it off and agree. “Yeah, you’re right. Maybe the salt shaker slipped out her hand or something.” This usually proves that your relationship has long-term potential

B) Agree, but remember to make sure to let your man know the next time his mom invites them over to eat her dry-ass meatloaf. When this occurs, your relationship can go either way.

C) Become irrationally defensive. “F*ck you, stupid bitch!!! Dorothy Mantooth is a saint and the best cook on the planet!!! They serve her green beans in Heaven, you hellbound harlot hoochie!!!” This usually proves that your relationship probably isn’t going to last longer than “Undercovers”

The first serious argument

It seemed like any other morning. She spent the night, and she’s getting ready for work. Right before she heads out the door, you kiss, and she reminds you that she might need a ride home from work that day. No problem, you say, as you continue checking your email and eating a bowl of Frosted Mini-Wheats. She also says that she has a, um, “surprise” for you later on.

Fast-forward to 4:55 pm. You’ve had a super busy day. A ton of meetings, a lunch with your boss, and you had to attend a company party for a soon to be retired secretary that you always hated. You got off at 4:30, but it’s been such a hectic day that you’re just sitting in the chair in your office, half-asleep, half just allowing yourself to cool down. Your phone vibrates. You check it and see that it’s a text from your girl. “Hey, babe. Call when you’re a block away. I’ll just come down to the lobby”

At first you have no idea what the hell she’s talking about, and then it dawns on you: “F*ck! This morning, she asked me to pick her up at 5.” Now, although it’s only a 25 minute drive from your job to hers, the time it takes to make that drive depends on when you leave. If you would have left at 4:30, you would have been there in time. But, because of the usual 5 o’ clock traffic, that trip will probably take you an hour now.

You call her and lie, er, tell her that you’re probably going to be a half hour or so late. You can hear the disappointment in her voice, but shes cool about it and just says “That’s ok. It’s probably just easier for me to take the bus home. I’ll see you later, babe”

She makes it home a half hour or so later. You decide to stop by instead of heading home because you want to make sure she made it home okay and, well, you’re trying to get some ass. She opens the door, soaking wet and smoldering. Apparently, after she got off the bus to walk to her apartment, her neighborhood got hit with a sudden downpour. This wouldn’t have been so bad if not for the fact that she got her hair done today. In fact, that’s actually why she asked you for a ride home.

Now, you not picking her up is just another example of you being “…selfish, inconsiderate, mean, and untrustworthy.” You’re also made aware that she still hasn’t really forgiven you for leaving a comment saying “Looking good as usual” on some chick’s Facebook profile pic three months ago. Your first serious argument ensues, and both of your reactions to this pseudo-drama will basically determine if this is a relationship worth pursuing. Godspeed and sh*t, young lovers. Godspeed.

The first time you don’t agree on a movie selection

She’s wants to see “Tree of Life.” You want to see “Transformers 3.” Either you all need to find a way to compromise, or someone is about to die a very slow and very passive-aggressive death

Anyway, people of VSB.com, I’m sure I’m leaving out a few? Can you think of any other important dating and relationship firsts that no one ever really talks about?

The carpet is yours.

—The Champ

496 thoughts on “The Litmus Tests of Love: Dating and Relationship “Firsts” No One Ever Talks About”

  1. The first overnight–when a woman has to decide whether or not to pull out the satin bonnet/silk scarf or sacrifice ruining the fresh wash & style that she spent all day at the salon for in preparation for her date.

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        • i agree. i really couldn’t care less. i also have a stockpile of satin pillowcases for all my ladies.

          that’s a joke.

          i mean i got the pillowcases…just not the ladies. i mean.

          skip it.

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          • My man…

            I too had a couple of satin pillowcases in the linen closet for “when my sister comes to visit” at the ready.

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            • I too had a couple of satin pillowcases in the linen closet for “when my sister comes to visit” at the ready. The fact that you had to put that in quotation leads me to believe it’s not your sister who visits. Things that make you go hmmmm…….lol

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              • I’m just sayin’…I found that it was best to have an answer to certain questions prepared beforehand so as to not ruin the night.

                Not that a sista would full-on believe that the pillowcases were actually for my sisters…but it at least showed that I was considerate enough to attempt to make her feel special. And that counts for something if you’re a young lady that left your house (or the club) to visit a gentleman at 11 PM or so.

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        • If he did grow up with women in his life then he knows that’s bigger than getting a set of keys to the crib.

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    • “The first overnight–when a woman has to decide whether or not to pull out the satin bonnet/silk scarf or sacrifice ruining the fresh wash & style that she spent all day at the salon for in preparation for her date.”

      the next black billionaire is going to be the person who invents the invisible scarf so we don’t have to see that sh*t…ever

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    • I used to bring this up at some point in earlier casual conversations. “Um, I sleep with my satin scarf/cap all the time.” For the most part, guys weren’t bothered by it, especially if he grew up with sisters.

      We could solve all this if he either bought or let me leave a satin pillowcase at his crib for when I stay over. Either way, expect the satin cap/scarf to make an appearance eventually.

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      • IMO, I don’t think it a problem for most men since we’ve seen mamma’s pink curlers, been dragged to the beauty salon on Saturday just when spider man was about to come on or seen the foam head that held the wig. I think the hangup lies with the woman since many don’t want men to see the tricks of the trade.

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    • Exactly! I usually try to tie the scarf more fashion cute than Aunt Jemima in the beginning. But as soon as we’re comfortable, I turn straight back in to Tupac. #thuginainteasy

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    • YES! The wearing the head scarf or bonnet or both together lol during the first overnight “visit” can cause anxiety. I’ve heard a few men say they don’t want to wake up to someone with the “Aunt Jemima fit on” and that’s why they date non-Black women. :side eye:

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  3. The first time she finds out you like something weird. It doesn’t have to be actually weird, just has to be something that she considers off. It can be as simple as you watching ‘too much’ of the NFL Network (blasphemy!) or something a little more off kilter like finding a couple romance manga.

    The first time she looks through your pron. I don’t mean the first time she sees that you have it, but the first time she actively investigates what you are in your folders, who your favorite ‘actress’ is (how accurately does their body match your body and being a 80%+ match isn’t necessarily a good thing in her mind), what they are doing in the videos outside of the usual pounding, and the sheer volume of what you may or may not have.

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  4. Meeting the parents. People seem to think that it’s not important any more, “We’re grown ups, we don’t need their approval.” Parents (and siblings) tell you more about your boyfriend than he’ll ever admit. And, I’m not talking about what they say and tell you, but what kind of people they are. Do they scare you? Did Pops hit on you? Does mental illness run in his family?

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    • i dont think this qualifies as a relationship first that no one talks about. while some ppl may down play the importance of meeting the SO’s parents, it without a doubt is something that is talked about and a very prominent milestone in a couple’s relationship

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  5. The first time he sees you go to sleep with the satin bonnet/silk scarf around your head. Dun dun DUN! Or for the permed gurlies, “the wrap”.

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  6. If yall get there, the first time meeting parents and relatives.

    The first time your boys meet her. Although as u get older this shouldn’t matter AS MUCH. But still.

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    • ALWAYS matters. These people are more in your bussiness then your family, and will be around longer than a family motto.

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    • “The first time your boys meet her. Although as u get older this shouldn’t matter AS MUCH. But still.”

      as you get older, you “boys” in general dont matter as much as your closest friend.

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  7. The first time babysitting a baby/toddler together. It could be a younger sibling or a friend’s child. It’d help gauge how good they are with kids.

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      • It’s definitely a rare event, but I speak from experience. I helped my boyfriend at the time babysit his 6 month old niece and he was great with her. It made me look at him in a completely different light. Unfortunately, the relationship fell apart for other reasons.

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    • this is truth. I brought my boys with me on a date this weekend (don’t judge me, I had no other options) and she got major points for the way she handled them. She was an angel. She then got those points deducted for not offering to split the check.

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      • “She then got those points deducted for not offering to split the check.”

        Wait, is this someone you’re in a relationship with? You asked her to split the check with you and your boys? Please elaborate, because you would have been deleted from my contacts for even hinting that we split it.

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      • I’m hoping you had gotten a few dates in under your belt before you intro’d the kiddos! lol “She then got those points deducted for not offering to split the check.” Is that right? smh So she was supposed to split a check that ususally consisted of two but this time consisted of you and YOUR children?? Ok, keep pimping homie. lol

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        • and nah, it was a casual lunch date, I had a busy day lpanned afterwards with my nephews and wasn’t about to put them in a babysitter on a Saturday. So I asked her if it was cool if they came. Lol the single parents in here know wassup, sometimes you gotta be creative.

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          • Was it understood by all parties that it was a casual date?

            I ask because I stay away from calling it the D word entirely unless there’s something romantic/attraction happening between both parties and it’s understood. If I’m doing a friend thing, I don’t hesitate to pay for myself. If it’s a date and he asks, I expect him to pay.

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      • Now that you’ve cleared up you only wanted her to pay for herself, that helps a lot…

        And I’d have to say this wasn’t a date at all… and what sucks is she probably thought it was going to be…

        I hope you gave her cool points if she handled it all like it was nothing… because really, it kinda was something… lol… not even really that you expected her to pay after you invited her out, but that you you brought friends when she was expecting the two of you to be getting to know eachother… I probably would have enjoyed it, and wouldn’t have written you completely off (I would have called up the homeboys though and been like WTF?!?) but if you asked me to meet up again, best believe we would clarify intentions, lol!

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        • I didn’t WANT her to pay for herself, I would’ve been fine with either outcome. What I WANTed, however, was to see if she would offer or not. Because I was really feeling her (and just got paid), I would have refused to let her pay, but her not offering said a lot.

          Lol I didn’t bring friends, I brought my nephews. And the invitation was to join me and my nephews for lunch, not hey do you want to go to lunch and then later tell her that my nephews were coming.

          Ya’ll expect too much from a brother. Whine and complain about men not raising these boys, throw me in the paint for trying to spend time with my boys and maintain an active social life. Come at me VSS.

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          • I think the way you worded your original comment left many including myself thinking that you brought your adult friends on a date. However if you casually invited her along as an after thought and not as a “real” date she should have paid for her meal or whatever she consumed. If so many VSSs are confused I can only imagine what she thought your intentions were ( scratching my head that “the reach” or a faux offer to split is still being used to test women).

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          • ohhhhhhhhhh yeah, ummm, your original comment confused me!
            we no longer have theoretical beef, lol
            and she probably really enjoyed herself…. as for not even attempting to pay… I don’t get it…. I have yet to have a brotha pay once (yep, true story) so I’m always thinking I’m paying for myself regardless until a brotha finally, finally handles it, shrug

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          • …general rule…if you ask her out, you pay. She shouldn’t be expected to pay for a meal that you invited her to.
            That’s like her inviting you over for dinner and then giving you a grocery list to pick up on your way.
            And I just don’t get if you didn’t expect her to pay and wouldn’t have let her pay, why it matters if she offered?? (D*ck logic)

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            • I agree with you, too, Imperfect to some extent… but since I’ve also had the moment where I fully intended to buy my own meal but still was a little irritated that a man didn’t even offer, I can understand his point…

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            • In my experience certain folk in New England will invite you to dinner and then tell you what you need to or should contribute in the same breath. Even if it ain’t dinner, you’ll get invited somewhere or to do somethin and it’s expected that you “contribute” financially in some way.
              I ain’t no ways a southern belle (tho I’m 504 all day every day) but that is some triflin mess to me.

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  8. First time meeting his kids ESPECIALLY If he has a daughter. I’m a daddy’s girl so I know what that can do to an “outside” woman (i.e. You’re not my mother, aunt, cousin…you’re OUTSIDE of us).
    Anyway, when I met his kids, I was so stressed out that I lost my car & reported it stolen.

    That was 4 years ago. He never brings it up but the kids do from time to time.

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  9. The first time he hands you his phone and trusts that you won’t go through his contacts or text messages. The first time he introduces you to his boys and one tells you he talks about you all the time.

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    • the phone thing is a big first. i used to play games on my exes phone. i even knew the passcode so i could play when i got bored. i think the first time he saw me unlock the screen without asking him to do it for me was a bit jarring. but thankfully he knew my intentions and that snooping is just not something i do anymore.

      seeing text messages from his ex pop while i was playing my games were a bit side eye worthy but *shrug*

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    • You know, I’ve never had a problem with this. Maybe cause I’m straight L7, or because I’m too unmotivated to go and get into a bunch of smashin and bangin, Schmangin’ if you will. But I’ll hand my phone over in a heart beat because it ain’t a big deal either way.
      Honesty matters a whole lot to me. Honestly, women prefer liars and truth benders. So, I tell them I’m a good liar when I ain’t, I mean I cain’t. That usually gets them to sticking with me longer. I’d swear on a stack of Bibles but ain’t one near me.

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      • Maybe some women prefer liars and truth benders, but I ain’t one of them. Let me catch you in a lie and we’re done. I’m gon’ look at you like you done lost your daymn mind and then we’ll go our separate ways. Why does anyone have to lie? I mean, you can’t build a solid relationship on lies.

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        • Personally, my problem is unadulterated honesty. People misjudge me because I see nice things in them, they think me a flatterer and insincere. Then the other shoe drops only to sober them to a realization that I don’t cater to their sense of reality. Thus, I may have erroneously come to believe that people indulge favorable lies that allow them to perpetuate their lives however I cannot see the inaccuracies of my thoughts.

          As far as you go, the term-I can’t even front, I’m too tickled by your former compliment to even want to go back and forth w/you. You win…I can’t focus

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            • I could use a ton of hugs…if only y’all ninjas knew what my week end was like….lol
              lololol I’m extremely blessed and thankful for my current well being. Life could have been, well…yeah, lets just say I’m not being dramatic at all. At all.

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    • “The first time he hands you his phone and trusts that you won’t go through his contacts or text messages”

      how about the first time we don’t actually take the phone in the bathroom with us? that’s a gaggle of trust right there

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      • i roll my eyes when ppl do this…in your (& anyone else’s) honest assessment is it “normal” to go through the phone of someone you’re dating? in my life i have done this ONCE (i was 19)…i always leave my phone lying around from day 1…i feel like if we gotta go through each other’s phones, why are we dating?

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    • The phone thing is a biggie. Men and their phones….that’s a whole other blog in and of itself. However, the moment he can go to the restroom or run into the store without it attached to his hip is when you might actually have accomplished a milestone.
      Any man that doesn’t act like his phone is capable of detonating when you touch it probably has some potential. lol

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      • Men and phones need to be a separate post indeed. If you’re hiding the phone, then I’m wondering why. Some people are naturally private, but to the point of putting the phone in the bathroom with you and never leaving it around…that’s not what’s up. I leave my phone everywhere unlocked because I don’t have anything to hide. So even if a dude wanted to go ham and look at my text messages/calls, etc, he’d find nothing.

        I’m a firm believer in “people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.”

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