one of the side effects that comes along with intentionally branding yourself as “a person who knows things¹” is that most of the people i interact with care far more about my opinion of things than they do about me. mind you, this isn’t a complaint. my thoughts on gas ovens and the evolution of aziz ansari’s character on parks and recreation are much, much more interesting than anything i’d have to say about anything that’s ever gone on in my life. plus, not having people express polite faux concern about the daily minutiae of my existence means that i don’t have to lie as much as most people do.
basically, a win/win for all.
with this in mind, it shouldn’t surprise you when i say that in the past three weeks, at least two dozen people (give or take 20 or so) have greeted me by asking for my take on the (seemingly) ridiculous romantic requirements expressed by rozonda “chilli” thomas on her VH1 reality show what chilli wants. when i let them know that i haven’t actually seen the show (although, admittedly, i’ve heard and read enough about her “list” to know that she apparently said that she wouldn’t mind dating a wealthy pedophile as long as he didn’t eat pork–or something like that), they press on, attempting to bait me into a discussion by making a connection between chilli’s ridiculousness and unrealistic black women and their respective and equally ridiculous requirement lists.
at this point i usually change the subject to mike brown’s substitution patterns or the surprisingly nice looking 2010 ford tauruses. if i were to answer, though, i’d probably say each of the following things:
1. anyone who’s been famous for half of their life (as chilli has) isn’t normal, and it’s silly to base your feelings about a collective group on the actions of one baby-haired extra-terrestrial.
2. she (and anyone else) can make lists however she chooses to. the title of the show is what chilli wants, not what everyone thinks chilli should settle for. with that being said, we just need to understand that with concrete requirements come consequences. basically, if you limit your options…your options will be limited.
3. the problem with her (and pretty much everyone else’s) list isn’t that it’s too specific. no, most lists actually aren’t specific enough.
i imagine that number 3 is a bit surprising. i mean, isn’t having arbitrarily specific height, weight, and salary requirements exactly what’s wrong with, well, everything?
well, vague specificity doesn’t actually say sh*t about you or your particular tastes, which makes things even more difficult, which is why its so important to be f*cking exact. what’s the point of going through the trouble to make a mental requirement checklist if you’re just going to fill it with the type of half-hearted indistinctions found in a fisher-price boyfriend template instruction packet? think about it. “6’3”, dark-skinned, and handsome” describes idris elba as well as mr. ed.
for instance, while saying you’d like someone “smart and funny” is cool in a mildly retarded way, admitting you desire someone smart and funny enough to wittily articulate exactly why the season three premiere of the boondocks wasn’t really that smart or funny at all is much more sensible, practical, and meaningful.
sure, pretty much every woman would like a “strong and physically fit” man, but strong and physically fit in the “i just want him to look imposing enough in his suit to scare away census workers and jehovah’s witnesses” sense or the “while wall-straddling him, can he hold a camcorder in one hand while keeping me in place with the other?” sense?
i’ve even began to alter the wording in my own preferred mental list. vanilla terms like “considerate” and “curvy” have been replaced by “someone who’ll at least wait until after the game is over to pick a fight about me buying the wrong color place mats” and “do i catch old men sneaking peaks at her *ss when they think i’m not looking?“. even deal-breakers like ”excessively needy” have given way to “if i go 70 seconds without returning her gchat message, will she say “hello! hello!” in caps repeatedly?”
this type exactness and expression might seem frivolous, but its purpose is to narrow down exactly what makes you happy and why. and, if you can’t give any contextual and practical reason why “he must make six figures” or “she can’t weigh more than 140 pounds” is on your list, it’s probably not as important to you as you think it is.
anyway, i’m curious: people of vsb.com, forget about “tall” and “sexy” and “sexually adventurous” and the rest of the aggressively unambitious and meaningless sh*t on your half-assed lists. with the importance of exactness in mind, be creative and tell me, what the hell do you REALLY want?
¹”the weirdo who tries to find meaning in meaningless sh*t nobody cares about” would also fit here
—the champ
“what the hell do you REALLY want?”
I wanna be first.
yep. the rest of the list is insignificant compared to this one point
Hahahaha…you got what you wanted!
YESSS! *fist pump*
Now, to get that man…I’m on a roll, obviously.
Hmm. I dunno Champ. I have a list full of very specific things (you know, instead of “tall” I want 6’3″ or taller)….and when I find those things in a guy I meet, these guys never really pan out to be anyone I actually WANT to be with. I don’t think I am a fan of lists in the very detailed sense. It’s like pr0n. You’ll know it when you see it.
Co-sign, cuz I ALWAYS know. precisely when i see it. And besides, when describing what i tihnk i want, i’m vague on purpose so I dont have to worry bout if mr man aint doin it just to clamp me in
Exactly! Or for me feel it.
The show is called what Chilli wants and it’s crazy to me how some people are angry with her for being honest about what she wants. That was a great point Champ!
I am not going to lie I am into so many different types of men. If I were to get detailed instead of me saying I want a man who is masculine I would say I want a man who is not afraid to tell me where we are going for dinner tonight. Or tell his mother how he feels with respect of course. Or is seasoned and knows how he is as a man. But I still have to make a connection with a man even if he has those qualities.
The annoying thing about Chilli, I guess is that she’s 38 with a son (that she had out of wedlock, nttawwt, but she seems to be on super high moral ground as if she’s perfect), and expects the world…because she was once a superstar? I am having a hard time figuring out what’s with her sense of entitlement. Famous and Fabulous or not, I don’t ever feel like I’m entitled to having the perfect man of my dreams (um, if he even exists). I think a lot of celebs have a warped sense of entitlement.
So…you’re just gonna give up on the list because 10 (100) dudes were douchedivadudes? I don’t know…am I the only guy that KNOWS settling for that which is not on my list is a recipe for failure to commit? Just like pr0n…we can play for a little while…but you gotta go home afterwards if you ain’t what I want.
I’m not settling because I don’t have a detailed laundry list to go by. I’m saying having a list (specific or general) STILL doesn’t guarantee happiness, nor does it get me any closer to happiness than a guy who doesn’t have my list-items.
Many guys look good on paper (i.e. meet list requirements) and are still wack (for me). I didn’t say they were divadudes or douchebags, either. These guys were/are probably otherwise great people (duh, cuz my list isn’t full of crap), just not good for me, or not good for me at the time I experienced them. Fall back.
That being said, my short list of very general things:
1. Have integrity.
2. Have a strong relationship with God outside of showing up to church on Sunday mornings.
3. Have a good sense of humor and be able to make me laugh.
4. Have a very strong work ethic.
5. Be attractive (to me).
See? Nothing on this list consists of specific things like job, career, income, or height requirements (even item #5 is pretty broad in my book)…because I can create those lists till I am blue in the face and they still fail lol.
You are so wrong for that “duh”. I arseumed that you were saying the dudes might not have been the best people personality wise. I have experienced situations similar to what you described and walked away without taking advantage of the situation.
So…did you think about refining your non detailed laundry list because of those interactions. Maybe the 5’3″ dude isn’t all that bad? That’s a healthy thing…maybe? I’m just trying to look out for the miniature dudes due to short women’s attraction to me and that might end up in a short son being produced…and I won’t know what to tell his tiny self while I’m over 6′ tall. Fall forward…
LOL! I’m 5’9″ and used to have a thing for basketball players….but I think I realized guys will break your heart regardless of height (imagine that!). I think people use detailed lists as roadmaps to happiness, and maybe that’s my concern.
There’s so much more beyond a guy who doesn’t eat pork, doesn’t drink, and has a washboard stomach.
You type too fast and you cheated…where’s my edit button? So you would date a small person. That’s so sweet……well…the shat is pretty funny actually. So…would he have to wear heels like Prince?
LOLOLOL. I have dated someone shorter than me. It was strange at times. I was still very attracted to him, but it was awkward when we were out and about. One of my hottest and loveliest friends married a guy shorter than her and she’s totally head over heels in love with him. Her other choice was a tall, fine, smart, successful, rich, black man that many women chased after…and he was/is a total douchebag. Stuff like height measurements seems silly in this case. I would have gone with the shorter dude too.
Plus, my dad is 6’7″, I have some good height genes on my side of the fam for the kids’ sake.
I have felt his pain in the past. I have a thing for long women myself. Wooo jaysus…something about a woman my height in 4″ heels…not the bad built type though…gotta be well proportioned. Trying to bend down just enough to slow dance with my head in her lady pillows…as she rubs and kisses the top of my head. Well…I just developed the need for some ummm…self reflection..before going to sleep so…nice convo…we gotta do it again sometime. buh bye
“I’m not settling because I don’t have a detailed laundry list to go by. I’m saying having a list (specific or general) STILL doesn’t guarantee happiness, nor does it get me any closer to happiness than a guy who doesn’t have my list-items”
this is why its important to have a list that outlines the things that would actually make you happy.
“Hmm. I dunno Champ. I have a list full of very specific things (you know, instead of “tall” I want 6?3? or taller)”
thats the thing. even saying “i want someone 6’3” or taller” doesn’t mean as much as “someone who doesn’t have to stand on their toes when we take pictures” or “someone who’s tall enough to be an undersized nba shooting guard”
“someone who doesn’t have to stand on their toes when we take pictures”
The only person who would have to be THIS specific is Brigitte Nielsen.
I ran into the Houston Comets in a club around the turn of the century. All I gotta say is wow…I asked one to dance…she said “are you sure you want to dance with me”? I said why not. She stood up…I needed new drawls by the end of the night…literally humped her leg…she just laughed and smiled and grabbed on my azz (damm tease)…was too embarrassed to get her number…had to get drunk just to stay there…waved her away in the parking lot. Our kids would have been my height by now…she had me by at least 3 inches…she might have been 6’5″. And I meant plural because that long fine thang had me gone…barefoot and pregnant…that is all. I was too young then…would kill for her now.
First of all, you edit your posts (and thus your points) after people have commented. Not fair to those of us who comment early on.
Secondly, being specific and exact on my list doesn’t help me anymore than it does if I said, “tall.”
I haven’t replied in a while, but I was inspired to do so on this one. In my Mother’s Day Bliss (grandma had the pumpkin for the weekend), I was able to catch up on mindless TV watching with some other childless mom friends and we decided to get up to speed on the reality shows. We watched Tots and Tiaras (aka Pimp My Child for Pedophiles), Family Business w/ Ray J and Brandy (I would’ve rather watched him and Kim K get all Mr. Marcus & Janet Jackme than that madness) and, of course, What Chilli Wants…
I spent the hour (I could only take 2 episodes) wondering what the hell is wrong with her and then it came to me that she was not really looking for a man (at least not in that forum) so I couldn’t even take her “dates” seriously and her friend is a hot man-less (and fashion) mess, so why is she qualified to “hook” Chilli up? That said, I think you hit it right on the head Champ. However, while your comments are funny as hell, that specific list thing is a disaster waiting to happen. Often what we want (read: what you THINK you want) is not what you NEED or in most cases what’s good for you. It’s a crap shoot (albeit it should be an educated/calculated one, but a crap shoot none the less). You have to have an idea, hence the general lists, but you also have to (or should be) open to the unexpected.
“but you also have to (or should be) open to the unexpected.”
this is exactly what i usually tell women before i sleep with them
I agree. I felt like she wasn’t really looking for anyone with a list like that. Then again…what dating shows are real anyways?
That is what I was thinking. I don’t believe that his her real list. I think she makes it extra for ratings! I don’t know.
I said his her lol…I meant her.
Don’t be too hard on yourself, i’m pretty sure Aziz Ansari’s character is a lot more interesting then anybodys life. If theres one person I’d allow an arrange marriage between myself to, it would be him.
But this isnt about me
, apparently it’s about Chili. And what chili wants, honestly is a bunch of bullshit.
First of all, why is it always the short people who want taller men? I know 5’4 women that will not (and have never) dated anyone under 6’0, while i’m 5’9 and i’ve dated everything from 5’9 and up. People like Chili, (in a ‘i know her as well as anybody whos seen a half an episode of her show knows her’ kinda way) want what they wish they were. You close your eyes, imagine how you would wanna be if you were a dude, and write your list.
What you need to do, is stop asking for things you cant provide. I’m sorry, but I’m not gonna ask for a extra crispy built ripped buff washboard abs kinda man, if I dont even know where the closest gym is. Unless YOU make 100k+, unless you are intelligent, unless you have a sense of humour, ect, you have no business asking for it.
I remember one man I dated, the first couple dates were all “yeah, i appreciate a girl who stays active.” Apparently, the fact that i’m a runner was a HUGE plus for him.. but it’s so surprising that while HE was into that about me, our dates consisted of nothing more than eating and eating. And eating.
Don’t get me wrong, I love food just as much as I love to breathe, but if you demand your partner be ‘active’, for example, your setting up an expectation for YOU yourself to be an active person. Because otherwise your about as misleading as any one of the songs of Trey Songz last album… setting standards so high, that when somebody finally comes along and meets them, you fail them yourself.
The moral of the story… lists are cool so long as you can pass your own.
“Unless YOU make 100k+, unless you are intelligent, unless you have a sense of humour, ect, you have no business asking for it.”
The h3ll is that up there ^^^ ?
Remember the movie “Boomerang”? You know…when fat boy was tagging hammer time toe lady (she had to squeeze real hard to feel anything). She settled because he was successful and a nice guy…but just as soooon as ol boy did something crazy…she started clowning his round behind. That’s what settling will lead to…now just imagine if the situation was reversed…your feeling would be hurt. Don’t ask for what you can not provide irregardless (negro speak) of what you think you can compensate for. I really like the (non) word irregardless…it makes me smile.
There wasn’t a fat guy in Boomerang.
@atltx
I think you meant “Waiting to Exhale” where Lela Rochon’s character was dating the plump dude from “The Wire” (his name escapes me). However, you’ll also remember that late in the movie when she didn’t want him any more and he moved on (quickly) she was at the club with her lip stuck out.
@MsEsquire77
It was “Waiting to Exhale”. I’m a dude so I get a pass…thanks for your help!
“It was “Waiting to Exhale”. I’m a dude so I get a pass…thanks for your help!”
ummm, no you don’t. there are no “i got boomerang mixed up with another movie” passes. one more demerit and you lose posting privileges for two hours
I can’t be getting put on timeout and shat. I’ll just hush…for now.
I dunno about this matching theory either. Rarely do i see power couples exist at 100% every opportunity. Couples are often lopsided, with the man making 100K+ ad the woman not making that much. Or someone who is probably smarter than the other (who measures intelligence anyway?). As P posted last week, all you need is time and opportunity….not matching bank accounts or MENSA scores.
I had to Google MENSA. A brother went all scooby dooby doo for a second on that one. That kinda leads into my statement about matching. Yeah…I (barely) made it through a couple of degrees…but hard work that makes me sweat and leaves me funky at the end of the day is my passion. I love landscaping and steadily working towards making it more than a hobby…but project management aka making shat happen is the money maker for now. So…let’s just say that complex math and finance problems get on my damm nerves. I like women that understand these complex subjects…and their willingness to help me understand said subjects so I can work smarter not harder. So yeah…for me…women are the brains and I am the brawn. Not totally opposites…but not exactly alike…works out perfectly!
“Unless YOU make 100k+, unless you are intelligent, unless you have a sense of humour, ect, you have no business asking for it”
i agree in theory, but basically all a person needs to be able to provide is what their potential mate is looking for.
i agree in theory, but basically all a person needs to be able to provide is what their potential mate is looking for.
That’s it right there! Because there are men who want their women to hold their own as far as money goes. And there are men who don’t care. I have read so many blogs, books and mag articles on what men are looking for. The answers are not always the same. It really depends on the man.
@ Santa Monihey
The moral of the story… lists are cool so long as you can pass your own.
Bingo. I don’t see the hype with Chilli. What makes her so fab. One of the men asked her a questions and she point blank said…”Oh no it’s not about me, it’s about YOU. I ask the questions”…wow
I want a well-read chick (no EJ Dickey) who still cares that Inspectah Deck was the most slept on member of the Wu, Golden Arms effed up by being in jail during the height of their era, and that Kagan’s going to pull the Court to the right for a verr verr long time..
but still ashes on the floor during a Katt Williams special, bc despite (maybe bc of) the tragedy that is his personal life, that ninja’s funny as sh1t.
I want a well-read chick (no EJ Dickey) who still cares that Inspectah Deck was the most slept on member of the Wu
its funny you mention this. i was just thinking the other day that deck might be the 7th most popular member of the wu, but he’s responsible for 5 or 6 of the most memorable and quotable verses (first verse of “triumph”, the verse in “c.r.e.a.m” where he kicks the “speak the truth/to the young black youth/ line, his verse in “wu-tang clan aint nothin to…”, his verse in “for heaven’s sake”, etc)
@Champ
You forgot his verse guillotine on OB4CL. GZA and Inspectah Deck were always the best MC’s out of all them. Although they are the best to me they aren’t my favorite in the group.
Meth, Raekwon and Ghostface always seem to come with songs that were hottest but no question GZA and Deck were the lyricists in the group. I think the Wu was even willing to admit that GZA rapped over their heads a bit
“GZA and Inspectah Deck were always the best MC’s out of all them. Although they are the best to me they aren’t my favorite in the group”
i agree. my personal fav list goes ghost, gza, rza, deck
Gza always struck me as the guy to never rap after in a song. If you go into the studio with him I would do my best to make sure my verse comes before his does.
Eric Jerome Dickey was responsible for Storm and The Black Panther getting married so he is not all bad.
@Dash
I didn’t have a clue who Eric Jerome Dickey was until that happened.
anyone who’s actually had a conversation with EJ Dickey would know that he’s brilliant. and anyone who’s actually read any of his last 3-4 books would know that his writing is excellent, researched and clever. wish people who’ve never picked up one of his books would stop dogging him. not saying that this should be the ONLY kind of book a woman reads, but don’t take away from his literary value if you’ve never read it.
@Muse:
Lies lol. I have read about 80 percent of his books. I took a break in the middle then read/purchased some of his recent ones and….I think being able to call him a lit genius and such has to do with the maturity of ones mind. I used to love love love his books…when I was 20. Real page turners. Now that I’m 28, he leaves much to be desired in terms of plot and character development. I feel like I’m reading a Sweet Valley High novel. It’s not to say he’s a bad writer or has changed his style over the years. I think some people “outgrow” his writings, and the folks here saying you shouldn’t be reading EJD mean, “you should have graduated past EJD books.” That’s not dogging him or not to say he isn’t a nice guy, a smart guy, etc. This is also not to say you can’t enjoy an EJD book from time to time. But to be an adult and think he’s the bees knees of the literary world? That’s a problem for some.
@Liz
LMBO at ‘lies’.
don’t get me wrong. not at all saying he is the best of the best in literature whatsoever. what i’m saying is that you can’t group his novels in the same category as much of the ‘black lit’ that is out now because he actually DOES research for his novels, and they have a very authentic feel, even when set in various ‘exotic’ settings. and compared to his early novels, his work has grown immensely. he writes primarily murder-hitman type suspenseful novels now, and as a writer of fiction i appreciate his wording, style and plots. sure, it’s entertainment fiction of course, not to be looked at as something comparable to Toni Morrison or James Baldwin, but it is still 1000% better than a lot of novels that could be grouped in the same category (i call it vaca/beach reading). everything is not meant to be The Bluest Eye, but if you’re going to write for entertainment, at least it can be well-written. and he does that. that’s what i meant.
How is Kagan pulling the court to the right (more than its being pulled now)?
Basically, w/o being too specific, I want a man who respects me, has manners, and when the time is right, ready to be a REAL Parent. I cringe when I hear fathers say they are “baby-sitting” their kids. REALLY?! Baby-sitting?! More than a husband, I am equally concerned with him being a good father and not putting anything in front of our children. He should be a RIDE OR DIE Dad. Just as involved in his kids lives as I will be. Even if (God forbid) the marriage doesn’t last for whatever reason. He should also be goal driven and open minded. Those are just some requirements. I’m only listing the absolute must have’s. The rest is negotiable.
One of my friends was just ranting to me yesterday about how some men tend to behave as if they’re just babysitting their own children (married or non-married). Sad.
My bro-in-law is this way
especially in the mornin’ when he’s tryin’ to get his daily dose of weed. *sigh* My po’ po’ sister…I cringe when I hear fathers say they are “baby-sitting” their kids. REALLY?!
I hear this too. If they’re your kids, you’re not babysitting.
“I want a man who respects me, has manners…”
what does this mean? be more specific and sh*t
I’m guilty of using the babysitting phrase, but that just means I’m watching them without mommy around.
I was shocked at how many women were offended when I said that though.
I think the list is not exact in that it doesn’t specify character or how he will treat her.
So he’s fine but will he work three jobs to make sure you and yours are taken care of? Does he give up when times get hard?
Will he ride or die with you? Will he. Open doors yet not be intimidated by your independence? Will he love me flaws and all?
The lists ate always about superficial things.
Oh and f!cking co sign on the. Boondocks season premiere.
In order for me 2 even want to consider marriage and having children all of the above things are definitely a given. He should be ride or die for me and our marriage, he should be gentleman enough to open doors and feel threatened by my independance. But at the end of the days, once there kids involved he should be just as committed to our children as I will be. My mother always says “Make sure you know what type of father you are getting for your kids and not just what type of husband will he be to you.” That advice has always stayed with me. My parents aren’t together but they are equally involved in my life, they are great friends, and they usually see eye-to-eye on parenting issues. That is very important me.
I’ve known what I really want, and it’s pretty much been on a case by case basis. I have a general list that I’ve stuck to, but then again there have been times I’ve let requirements slide. I don’t let the main requirements slide (ie employment, sanity, teeth) , but I’ve relaxed a few of them from time to time (children, height). *love the baby hair icons tag…lmao
“the season three premiere of the boondocks wasn’t really that smart or funny at all”
These first two episodes, while still funny, are what I feared would happen when it first became a TV show.
@P. yeah, i’m with you. the show has it moments, but it was never REALLY that good. especially considering how the first two eps this season would have been more relevant TWO YEARS AGO.
Truth, while Black dissent is always welcomed especially when talking about Black Politicians and so-called Black Leaders…….Aaron seems a couple years off from being that much needed dissent. Im not gonna count him out just because he aint come with Dave Chappelle-like wittiness
“These first two episodes, while still funny, are what I feared would happen when it first became a TV show.”
yeah. it almost seemed like i was watching a cartoon made from the boondocks template instead of the actual show. it reminded me of the vanilla rap music they play in the background of an episode of csi when a rapper has been murdered
” it reminded me of the vanilla rap music they play in the background of an episode of csi when a rapper has been murdered”
I cannot take this…*dead*
If you want specifics I could go on forever. I’ll start with, someone who understands and accepts that despite my best efforts, I am a non-verbal communicator, and though unfair, i expect to be clearly communicated to (verbally)
that’s deep but I think I am the say way
“if i go 70 seconds without returning her gchat message, will she say “hello! hello!” in caps repeatedly?”
I’m laughing at this statement this situation happen w/ me last year.
I got so mad at him for not responding…. ended up sayin’ something like, “Well, fine then! If you didn’t wanna chat you should’ve just said so.”
*smdh*
Boy, oh boy did he go off on me!
The friendship hasn’t been the same since.
“Boy, oh boy did he go off on me!”
he went off on you? that seems…excessive
“Boy, oh boy did he go off on me!”
Dang, what he say?
Okay, maybe I shouldn’t say “he went off” but…
he felt I was being a overdramatic (again) and he’d had enough of it where as usually, he’d ignore me ’til I stop. *shrug*