Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Race & Politics, Theory & Essay

The Last Thing You’ll Ever Need To Read About Women, Assholes, And Nice Guys


1. Study after study after study after study after study has shown that if given the choice between dating/mating/fighting crime with an “jerk/asshole” or a “nice guy,” (most) women are more likely to be attracted to the “jerk/asshole.”

2. When asked about this, (most) women—while acknowledging that some women do in fact prefer jerk/assholes—say that those studies are false or misleading or agenda-driven or devised by some type of sham science.

Now, I’m not bringing this up to start another “Do (most) women really prefer assholes?” debate. We’ve had that conversation enough times. Instead, I’m more interested in why there’s such a disconnect between these studies and what (most) women will say when prompted.

So far, I’ve thought of four possible reasons

1. The studies are in fact misleading and agenda driven. You could devise a study and create stats to back up any half-assed theory you can think of, and the women/asshole studies are just another example of that.

2. There’s a disconnect between how (many) women want to be perceived, and how they actually are.

3. If this “truth” is admitted, more men will actively attempt to be assholes to be attractive to women. Women do not want this to happen.

4. There’s really no clear definition on how “asshole/jerk” is defined in a dating and relationship context. When you add the fact that it’s possible for a man to be an ass everywhere except with his mate, it makes things even more ambiguous.

Anyway, those are my theories. What are yours?

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”) 

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Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for and EBONY Magazine. And a founding editor for 1839. And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at Or don't. Whatever.

  • I think that the theory is bullspit, however I can totally understand why “studies” tend to reach the same conclusions.

    • SweetSass

      All the studies are made by unattractive men. See Satoshi Kanazawa.

  • We always hear about women being attracted to bad boys, but what about good guys and crazy b*tches? Yes, I just got through watching Kim Zolciak’s meltdown on RHOA. (Or stupid b*tches. I am DONE with Porsha)

    • The answer to that is simple: that thing, that thing, that thiiiing! Seriously, as much as we talk about women being d1ckmatized, men are probably more likely to get pu$$y whipped. Some men are walking around like that’s a nani depression, and homegirl has the last available one. *smh*

      • Iceprincess2

        Co-sign IAYP. All that double talk Kim was doing was pathetic. She talked in circles so much it made me dizzy. Lame azz broad. And Portia? She’s pretty as a picture, but that’s it. A one-trick pony. The look on nene’s face was PRICELESS when Portia said 265. Po lil tink tink!

        • Breezy

          Portia is clearly auditioning for the black woman’s version of Jessica Simpson….remember the infamous chicken of the sea comment.

          Oh and I don’t know about you ladies but I cringed the entire time Kenya was talking to Walter about how she is ready for kids, how she slaved over dinner, how she wants marriage and could be pregnant now….CAN YOU SAY DESPARATE?!?!?! I could not believe that she was begging that man like that on national tv.

          • Rewind

            Isn’t it all just pretend though?

            I don’t watch the show but I did see that episode and as much as it made me cringe…I remembered it aint real. It’s planned. It’s stupid and dramatized but I can’t honestly see a woman faking a dinner from Trader Joe’s and then throwing on the “I want to be a wife” routine extra thick like hummus when HE JUST FINISHED TELLING HER FAMILY HE WILL TAKE IT SLOW.

            If that was a real scenario, then the cameraman should have put down the camera, taken her outside and shot her and her hair like the rabid dogs they are.

          • demondog06

            you gals become .09 % dumber everytime you all watch this ratchetcity

            all part of the illumanati plan…..

            i blame obama……

            • Breezy


              • demondog06

                sure…. hush the messenger….

            • bb

              I only voted for Obama because he told us we’d get white slaves in our secret black people meetings…..
              -_- I was going to name mine Topsy.

              • Iceprincess2

                Rotflmao u stuuuupid :-)

      • Crazy woman = great…uh…snatch…uh…thyow…uh…snapper…

    • crazy heauxs are crazy cuz they luh you tho

    • Rewind

      We do. But then nobody believes us when we say crazy ho’s be everywhere. Or at least it seems that way.

      Because I can’t understand how men from all over the country can have at least one or two tales of similiar experiences and NOT HAVING A REAL REASON that correlates those experiences.

      But it’s still no excuse. Both genders are just jacked up at this point.

    • iamnotakata

      This is soo true!!! This show confirms that dumb, cray h0es be winning…I really just can’t with Portia and her 265 days in her world year and Kim really needs to get her life….

      These polls/studies are just a example of the reality of relationships at this point in my opinion.

      Men proclaim they want beauty and brains with act right, and morals….but they go for dumb and ditsy…

      Women claim they want a nice guy that wil treat them right and is degreed with a good job ,but they go for Debo and Steebie J types… this point I’ve concluded neither men nor women know what they want….were all just cray cray….#Kenya?

  • Most women who disagree have a) already gone through that phase b) are current in that phase and don’t realize it or c) liars

    And then there’s those who manage jump back and forth between all three, You can find her at your local county building or clinic

    • Uh…shots fired?

    • Sweet GA Brown

      I agree with that. I have already gone through that phase and from what my mother tells me some women never see the light. At 27, I guess Im ahead of hte curve but thats sad though. I wish I could have seen the light a long time ago.

    • The Guy Formerly Know As Hmmmm

      smart bomb

    • Tes

      I actually agree with this. I got it out of my system early and was aware of it while in it.

      Nice guys treat me better. I treat nice guys better. And there’s that.

      • demondog06

        ” I got it out of my SYSTEM early and was aware of it while in it.”

        i knew it! a self aware A.I….
        next is a full take over of the defense grid…i’m on to you……

        • Tes

          Still afraid to admit you think I’m too dope to be a human, huh? :-P

          • Rewind

            I’ll admit it.

            But I also admit Skynet will take over the world very soon.

            • Tes

              But I’s a human. And I is dope.

              Also, Skynet? Really? lol

              • Brother Mouzone

                Wow!!! That Tes9000 cyborg model got all kinds of human feelings and sh*t.

                • Tes

                  >.< I'm a real girl! I am!

                  • Rewind

                    I think it’s time we just make a henti version of you that all boys can love.

  • Ron

    The bottom line is at the end of the day, if the woman takes a man home with her she wants to get done and she wants to get done right. She figures she’ll have a better chance getting done right with and asshole than a nice guy. I know that might sound a little crass, but if you can get women to be honest they’ll admit it. It’s the same reason men love sluts.

    • Great point…but you know why they won’t admit it don’t you?

    • Rewind

      While this has truth to it, then it becomes weird as hell to ask the asshole to be nice when she already knows he’s not.

    • Actually, assholes are horrible in the sack. They are selfish and usually gone in 60 seconds, give or take. Especially if they are tall, attractive and drive a nice car. They don’t put in effort because they don’t think they have to.

      • Sweet GA Brown

        I agree.

      • msdebbs


      • Well, they kinda *don’t*. Women have been led astray by tall, handsome men with their own transportation since the day when King Saul figured out how to ride a horse. Maybe even earlier than that.

        I was in Afghanistan the year after Troy debuted. There was a group of nurses standing around talking about how gorgeous Brad Pitt was in the movie. I made a joke about how he’d be less attractive if he was known as the “30-second King”. The head nurse, a Lieutenant Colonel who was over the age of *40*, looked me in the eyes and said, “But what a great 30 seconds that would be.” Anyone here who would book up or date an accountant or bus depot manager (no matter how fine) who could claim the same thing?

  • Tanisha Hollis

    Even if a girl truly wants a nice guy, she wants him to have a little bad boy in him and here’s why…
    .Everything you’ll need to know about why “Nice Guys” finish last….

    • Rewind

      Ehh…I call bullshyte on that article.

      Is it wrong to point out that the issue is double sided? Why does a man who’s not 100% what to do with a woman, since every woman is different, supposed to be the only person to change tactics? Isn’t the woman also responsible for happens between the two as well?

      I don’t get it. I’m aware people need to be assertive if they want things, but that takes time for all, and some people actually require some hand holding. They should stay away from people who want to jump into action, but I digress. I’m just saying…the issue isn’t that’s way bigger than girls just wanting bad boys.

  • chameleonic

    uuuuuh…..why do women not admit to liking rude men when confronted? i dont know. if someone were to ask me a question id be honest though i dont really like dealing with the ‘up in arms’ reaction to honest answers. i can say sometimes when people ask you a question theres thinly veiled malice in the tone and the way they approach you with something they think they know about you. at that point you tend to feel out the motive and dont really give away too much. perhaps because you dont know what said person is going to do with what you give them. hurt you? foot in the door? judge you? humiliate you? argue with you? somehow being asked a question is not meant for anyone to hear the answer, theres always a catch to it.

    personally, who cares. if you ask i answer but whether or not you like the answer is for YOU to internalize. this is very broad though. general question answering. specific to not directly answering about rudeboys vs nice guys or contradicting studies, i think when someone confronts you with something you feel the confrontation of them knowing you and you wanna wiggle out of it. its uncomfortable to be honest especially on someones request.

    im not sure ive ever known a woman to respond favorably to a guy who initially is crappy towards her yet ALL the women i know have been with men who do absolutely sh*tty things to them. perhaps admitting to liking a rudeboy is to admit low self esteem so you sorta switch it up like….’ i LURV me some nice guy!!’ when confronted.

    i dunno. asking a woman ‘do you like rudeboys or nice guys’ is pretty much asking ‘who do you want to love you’ and the answer is born of emotion. or if she happens to be aroused its one born of desire. though mood could influence the answer studies are figures, logic, and data. asking why a mood based answer contradicts logic is just….because it does.

    • “or if she happens to be aroused its one born of desire.”

      Or in layman’s terms, Chameleonic is saying it’s all about the deeyock!!!!

      • Rewind

        Yea that’s what I got out of it.

        [Kevin Hart] They want that loooooooooooooooooooooooooong dyck[/Kevin Hart]

      • That’s not what she was saying, but some men are so peen obsessed, that’s all they hear, see, think about. It’s kind of funny that men are more interested in peen than women. There are studies on it.

    • Rewind

      It’s basic psychology that people answer questions generally on how they want to be percieved rather than what they really feel. But that’s not on the interviewer, that’s on the person answering the question…because I don’t see how a survey is meant to make an interviewee seem stupid unless it’s a joke.

      So that then begs the question….when the women answer the questions…are they really saying what’s in their hearts or are they saying what they know to be the popular thought?

      • chameleonic

        [*kisses your cheek*]

        i dont believe women are asked questions unless the person asking it plans to tell you whats wrong with the answer. i think most women answer according to social acceptability because answering from the heart means getting scrutinized by the heart.

        • Rewind

          *gives you a big hug*

          Hope you feel better from last week.

          Thanks what I was thinking…social acceptiability. Because I feel like that’s what many women have based their relationships on…how acceptiable it is to the rest of the world. Will it make them look good? Will they be the envy of other women? Will they make their parents proud? Etc.

          Doesn’t answer the simple question of “does it may her happy or satisfied”?

          • chameleonic

            [*nuzzles into you*]

            i dont feel much of anything. i feel a lot less wound up and thus more comfortable. esa made me sob i think i may need to grieve for myself but its more natural to not care. i dont feel anything.

            i feel bad for women. i think a lot of them are at varying stages of development and have quite a bits of ways to go to be in womanhood, but i also think theyre taken advantage of by men who know that. women dont seem to know themselves well enough to put their needs to a man and accept one who meets them. if anything its socially acceptable to be a female an a*shole hurt so why not give in to a rudeboy? society loves you for it.

            • cajunboy

              But women mature faster than men…ha!!!!

  • T Dot S

    Man….number 4 hit it right on the head…

    Been burned by being the nice guy…

    …On the other when I have been a total ass women appartently can’t get enough…I think it’s because women tend to equate being a jerk to some sort of machismo…

    Or could it be that nice guys are too easy ie boring and the jerk gives them some sort of challeng hence women have a project to work on…I really think that many women believe that all their goodness can change a man for the better…

    • And by goodness, you mean p*ssy, am I right? *snickers*

      • lol

      • Rewind

        ha. I’m still looking for one that actually worked that well.

    • Rewind

      You know what’ts funny though?

      If nice guys are so boring…why do women need them AT ALL?

      • GirlSixx

        Cuz they make good husbands..

        • Rewind

          So then how does it make sense?

          Women don’t want them because the bore the fawk out of them, but he’s the good champion in the end?

          I mean..come on. That kind of logic is why there is such a divide between men and women…because none of this makes sense.

          • i think we tend to forget, for a lot of people, there is no ‘logic’ to love. so i wouldn’t expect to find it in relationships.

            • Rewind

              But…that’s why people end up going off the emotional cliff.

              I mean shyte…isn’t that one of the reasons on this site, all we do is keep saying we don’t know what other people want from us and how crazy that drives us?

              • i think… (i can’t stress “i think” enough)

                that you don’t use logic 100% when approaching, dealing with ‘love’…you just try to play the best hand, with the cards (info) you’re given.

                i know that i have a rather logical side to me, and if i ever get into a relationship, my compliment will most likely be more emotional than i am…and i will be fine with her cr…i mean zany-ness.

                i mean, you can’t expect humans to be machine-like logical equation-workers, yaknowhatimsayin?

                • Rewind

                  True indeed, I don’t. Emotions are what make us unique. But I feel like w spend so much time trying to get things that can only be attained by logic, but instead use emotion. Then we wonder why we can’t get what we want, and blow things way out of propertion.

                  • “Emotions are what make us unique. But I feel like w spend so much time trying to get things that can only be attained by logic, but instead use emotion. ”

                    Exactly…very well said.

      • Shedon’twantmenoway

        “Beta Male providers” google it

    • The CPT

      You are not alone, my son.

  • Tanny

    I know my ex was/is an asshole and I know I stayed so long coz I’m stupid! I also thought that I could change him by showing him kindness and loving him. Nope, he didn’t change, he took advantage of the kindness and the fact that I loved him. I am now taking time out to re-assess myself and figure out why I stayed with a man who treated me like crap for the whole year and a half we were together.

    • Read my response to Chameleonic for the answer…

      • Tanny

        I think you’re on to something there:-/

    • Rewind

      Shawty…you got turned out by the peen and was hoping he’d get turned out by your love below. He didn’t, and you kept trying to force it, and wouldn’t take no for an answer.

      That’s how it usually works, no matter how many pretty words we use. You can’t change someone that doesn’t want to be changed, and you can’t blame anyone but yourself for knowing the traits of someone and ignoring them because you think you know better than they do.

      I mean…we’ve all been there…so you’re not alone…but it basically shows how selfish, ignorant, and close-minded we are at times.

      • So, according to your theory, nice guys can’t lay pipe. Personality directly affects bedroom skill. Is that what you’re trying to argue? So when a guy decides to stop being nice, his bedroom skill improves instantly? Same for crazy women?

        You need more people. It’s not all about sex. Nuance. It’s a good thing.

        • Aly

          Personality directly affects bedroom skill. Is that what you’re trying to argue?

          “…@ssholes are horrible in the sack.”
          -Wild Cougar

          • The Guy Formerly Know As Hmmmm

            yup, she did say that.

          • …in my experience they tend to be selfish. But other ladies have found them to be skilled. So I would argue there’s no causation, maybe correlation. Who knows.

            • Wild Cougar I agree with u that it does t have nearly as much to do with performance as most ppl think, but perception shapes most people’s reality. I’d be curious as to what the rest of the ladies on here think about that though

              • esa

                i see no correlation between quality of character and quality of sex. it’s a matter of chemistry, for me, that is ..

                • Yeah makes sense. But Esa you’re much wiser and more spiritually in tune than most women I know and most of the women that I see comment here though, so maybe you two and ATWG are the exceptions…I would imagine that the ones who do think there’s a correlation won’t respond to this because they realize it would prove a lot of guys’ point and/or make them /women look bad…

                  • Around the Way Girl

                    Funny you said this, because I was just about to go “what she said.”

                    We all like different things too. One woman may like it slow and sensual, while another likes it fast and furious. The latter may think that selfish guy was great.

          • Rewind

            lmao. It’s hilarious how committed some people are to proving a point just to say they did…..AND THEN RENIG ON IT.

        • Rewind

          I didn’t say any of that shyte, so I’d like to know how the hell did you come up with any of that shyte? Are you sure you’re talking to me or someone else?

          No I’s WC, making shyte up as she goes along.

        • Around the Way Girl

          The best sex I’ve had has been with “nice” guys.

          • demondog06

            who to some other chick was a complete a$$hole…

            it all depends on how we feel about a particular chick..
            some girls that i was really diggin got the best of me..
            others ie..the human nut rags, not so much..

            • Breezy

              “others ie..the human nut rags, not so much..”:

              TO THE CORNER!!!!!!!

            • Around the Way Girl

              Daaaaaaaaamn. Well….way to keep it real lol.

  • i can say sometimes when people ask you a question theres thinly veiled malice in the tone and the way they approach you with something they think they know about you. at that point you tend to feel out the motive and dont really give away too much.

  • ” Instead, I’m more interested in why there’s such a disconnect between these studies and what (most) women will say when prompted.”

    i ain’t a chick, so i don’t know their thought process, but might it be..that there is a difference in what chicks ‘want’ when talking about an ideal mate, and what they are attracted to?
    and with that being said, ‘niceness’ just really isn’t a primary component of attraction for the overwhelming majority of females (yes, i know VSS are all exceptions, and date Dudley Do-Rights.)

    this may be similar to the point that males value looks more than intelligence in terms of attraction in chicks. Then again, males usually don’t dispute this point, but acknowledge it and get chastised for being superficial..

    eh, it is what it is tho.

    • Sweet GA Brown

      I agree with you. I think women tend to be more attracted to “nice guys” when they are ready to settle down and be married. I have never known a female to seek out a man who was nice before anything else when they were just playing the field. Women tend to gravitate towards who has a more interesting(whatever that entails to include drama) life and what entertainment(the itsneveradullmomentbyanymeans factor) that can provide for their life in that moment. The guys that provide this living it the moment feeling tend to be attractive as$holes.

      • The problem with that is the nice guys have peeped their own videos and seen that they’ll always be #2. Women don’t like to be a man’s Plan B, but they’ll ask their Plan B dude to put a ring on it and treat them like a Queen. What part of the game is that?

        • Sweet GA Brown

          I think that has to do with insecurities and feeling the common belief that “I can do better.” As long as people think that, they dont worry about their qualities or the next persons flaws. Its about being seen by others and painting the picture of the perfect couple. As$holes tend to be able to paint a perfect picture better than a nice guy.

          • Rewind

            Problem is anyone can say “I can do better”…yet suckas keep coming up short when it’s crunch time.

            • Sweet GA Brown

              People dont worry about crunch time. Painting a picture is an external thing. Its about what people see. Crunch time only comes when someone on the outside is pulling your card on your so called perfect relationship.

              • Rewind

                I disagree. Crunch time is when life gives you a chance to make a decision for better or worse. It’s just that simple.

                You get a certain amount of chances to learn from mistakes, and then get to see if you will make the right decision when challenged…if you keep making the wrong one, eventually you lose the chances at your oppurtunties. As far as love goes, we can’t complain how often we keep finding people who are wrong for us, but not taking the time out for self reflection to see who’s right. If you have a good person in your face, and you don’t see them, keep passing over them…eventually they move on and by the time you realize it, you lose your chance.

                People don’t need to point out that information. Life will do it all by itself.

        • A Woman’s Eyes

          I feel you on that. Women who wait too long to have the children they want to have, and the husband end up chasing after the nice dudes as Plan B.

          • Rewind

            Not even that. Females who played the game too hard, got slutted out, did things they never want a soul to know…Mr. Plan B ends up being Mr. Fantastic, because he won’t ask the tough questions, put his foot down about what’s tolerable, and really examine her worth. He’ll let her be the lie she’s living…and then when he finds out the truth…it’s all downhill from there.

            • Brother Mouzone

              Damn Rewind!!! That’s some hella truth right thurrr! I have seen this EXACT scenario play out several times amongst people I’ve known over the years.

      • i can totally see that. if a chick finds a dude that gives her that..forlackofabetterword…”excitement”…and he’s ‘nice’…Win, Win, Win like Khaled. but from my personal observation, women will seek what they are attracted to…and who wouldn’t be attracted to ‘interesting’ over ‘boring’ or ‘safe’?

        • WIP

          “…and who wouldn’t be attracted to ‘interesting’ over ‘boring’ or ‘safe’?”

          people who have interesting lives of their own.

          • Kema

            Nah… I think my life is pretty ‘interesting’. But I still choose ‘interesting’ over ‘boring’ or ‘safe’. I need a man to stimulate me mentally and boring just doesnt cut it.

            • cynicaloptmst81

              RIGHT! Who says a nice guy can’t also be interesting, witty, sarcastic, funny, with cool talents/hobbies???? I don’t want a boring man but I still want a nice one… *shrugs*

            • understandable.

            • WIP

              See to me that seems like seeking entertainment. I like to think I create my own. I think “boring” can take different meanings though; I like men who are down for little adventures (as I put it). I think the willingness to try to new things is what I find appealing. I’m always finding trouble to get into.

        • Asiyah

          but who says that @ssholes are interesting?

          • esa

            mmmmaybe @ssholes put out this propaganda? it reeks rationalization, like “i can be an @sshole because i am faaaascinating”

          • not necessarily that jerks are exciting…but…
            (as i’ve heard it explained to me)

            is that jerks, pricks, etc, don’t play it ‘safe’ or boring as much as maybe geniunely nice (but boring) guy would.

            so maybe that *interesting* part, is what makes them more exciting?

            • Yeah I agree Sith King. I think when they say “exciting” what they mean is unpredictable and challenging (especially to her ego). Plus audacity is more exciting than cautiousness and soung decision making to most of the women I know in real life…So they tend to gravitate towards reckless dudes.

              • Asiyah

                I guess I see the difference between reckless and courageous. I LOVE courageous people. Reckless? Nah. Be smart with the risks you take. Don’t take risks just for the heck of it. Maybe that’s why I’m not exactly on team jerk = exciting.

                • Word. I can tell you’re teampragmatic and logic all day tho. You’re one of the refreshing exceptions to the rule

      • +1. It really depends on what you’re looking for. Also maturity and/or aversion caused by too many azzholes. In my case, I had a few and sometimes they are fun in the short run, but now I genuinely enjoy being treated well. Rudeness is a turn off. But that is a result of time and introspection.

      • Rewind

        See the funny thing about excitement is that in comes in degrees. People tend to forget that very quickly.

        It’s common to be turned on by the person who’d try to sex you in public one day and then a few months later, is asking you to call out of work for him because he set his boss’s car on fire a few months later. There’s no way to gauge what a person is capable of until you spend time with it. But then you get what you asked’re not allowed to say how much “excitement” you want, you have to accept what you decided on, for better or worse.

        Yea, playing it safe is boring as hell, I admit, but if you really want things to be simple, that’s what works for many people.

        • Kema

          Works for some people…

          Reminds me of one of the chemistry questions on OkCupid. “Would you prefer a nice day or an interesting day?”

          • Rewind

            Seems like a trick question doesn’t it?

            • I’m like the Asian dude from the soda commercials. “Or” what i s it good for? Absolutely nothin

              • Rewind

                Exactly. Life is too crazy.

            • Kema

              I picked interesting!

              • Around the Way Girl

                Me too.

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