"Sure babe. I'll steal that necklace from my aunt. Just show me your high school track highlight tape again"
Problem: Queasiness
You’re grossed out by the human body and freak when a girl has leg hair, you spot menstrual blood, etc. Our girl Andrea, 27, tells us, “the yard shouldn’t have to be perfectly groomed for you to play in it.” If you’re verbally or visibly uneasy with the female body or your own, she senses that you’re probably going to be a pretty sterile, unimaginative lay.
The paragraph above is from “Five Moves That Make You Look Bad in Bed (and How to Avoid Them).” And, although the title is a bit misleading — when I saw “Five Moves…” I thought the article would be about actual bad sexual “moves” like “When she’s about to climax, it’s probably not the best idea to grin and pinch your own nipples” — it does offer some sound advice. I assume most women would agree that an easily queasy man is a big turnoff, and it’s not hard to see how a man possessing a few of the other traits listed — indecisiveness, being too fidgety, etc — might tell a woman that he sucks in the sack.
I was originally tempted to write a response titled “Signs That She’s Bad in Bed,” but since I could only think of two (“Her breath stinks” and “She’s a Delta”) I’ve decided to go in another direction, compiling the decades worth of notes from my own experiences as well as my friend’s, and list a few signs that she just might put it on you.
She really, really, really enjoys food
Women who seem to genuinely enjoy the entire food eating process — and you can usually tell these women because they’ll go through mini-orgasms when eating and even talking about their favorite foods — also seem to enjoy the entire sex having process just as much. I don’t know where the correlation is, but my guess is that some women just really like for things to be in their mouths.
She was/is an athlete
Every guy who’s ever dated a former high school or college athlete is nodding his head in solemn agreement and x-ing out this window to scour Facebook and see exactly what the members of the college track team are doing with their lives right now
Men approach her all of the gotdamn time
Now, I’m not talking about random street catcalls or direct messages on Twitter, but women who always seem to get approached by men are usually so popular because they’re subconsciously putting off an “I will curl your toes like fried shrimp” signal.
She doesn’t really sweat things (or people)…ever
As one of my college teammates once told me, “If she’s anal, she won’t do anal.” Now, does it matter that this is the same teammate who eventually got kicked off the team for stealing shower curtains from TJMaxx? I don’t think so.
She once was the governor of Alaska
Hate if you want, but I think a night with she who shall not be named would have you ready to shoot threes and moose and shit too.
Anyway, people of VSB.com, that’s it for me today. Can you think of any other signs that a woman is the shit in the bedroom? Also, ladies, you don’t get to take the day off. Go ahead and list some signs that a man is good in bed. Y’all need to help us out so we can take notes and start pretending.
—The Champ
Major sign: She doesn’t talk about it much or at all…
PURE TRUTH
she knows the key is in the pleasant surprise
I want you to advertise dammit. Get a billboard, buy TV ads, set up Youtube, Facebook and Twitter accounts. LET A BROTHER KNOW!
the woman who has “killer P” and KNOWS IT doesnt want her sex to be what draws men to her… instead she wants it to be a reward for the man who chose her for ALL that she is…
+1
Note I’m paraphrasing, but as my uncle said: “Don’t let your mouth write a check that your **** can’t cash.”
Amen.
+1
+1 – under cover
Yes…
YESSIR.
Yep, silence can be deadly. Do not be fooled about the lack of bravado.
Say That!!!!
even more major sign: she can’t talk at all. mute chicks are known freaks
lmao That’s just wrong!
eh…i think this is more a dude thing than a chick thing. a chick who never talks about sex is probably just a prude.
yes. bet that up.
Yup.
I agree. In my experience, women who won’t talk about sex even after she has gotten to know you) doesn’t want you to have high expectations….or expectations at all. The women who tend to be more open about it (tastefully or not) tend to be able to make good on all of their talk.
I am with you intelligentleman… If a woman can toot her own horn usually it is a reason, usually it is because she has been told…lol.
It’s not to say we NEVER talk about sex, but we never talk about how good we just might be.
Tell it.
Exactly! That goes for men and women. If the don’t boast about it and just say “I’ll let you be the judge of that”…Whew weee!!!
I’d say selflessness is a very good sign that a man will be good in bed…
Good one. Although, I like for him to get one first… cause if I get a good one, I might be done. I mean, my legggggs. #IJS
so basically women should all be trying to get with point guards?
or volunteers.
” so basically women should all be trying to get with point guards?”
Hellz yea they should! We’re known to let the rest of the team get theirs first
That’s the kind of guard I need in my life!
not if you’re a stephon marbury kind of point guard.
ain’t but so many of us Chris Paul-types out there – can distribute, take over when needed, go at two speeds, good with hands… I’ve said too much already. I’m going to bow out now.
A man that is not self-conscious about dancing is always a good sign.
As I was reading the post, dancing was the thing that popped into my head. It is my own observation that if he can put it down on the dancefloor, he can put it down on Ms. K too.
I’ve been told (on this very blog) that this is not true. Were my dreams crushed for no reason? Do I dare dream those dreams again?
I spoke on that downthread. It’s not true. Some men can’t dance but they are more than capable in the bedroom. MORE THAN CAPABLE
say it one mo ‘gain Mo
some guys can dance on the floor
some guys can dance on the bed
some guys can do both
some guys can do neither…..
Oh yes, Ms. Mo-VSS, sooo true. I danced with a guy who turned out to be HORRIBLE in bed but great on the floor. I think a guy who is willing to explore unusual suggestions without flinching….major turnon….and I am willing to try him…yum!!
I guess I should’ve added my “actual results may very” disclaimer. However, I say dream on, and dream in color
I’m terrible dancer at a club…but i’m great doing the “mattress mambo”
So not true. True story…About 12-13 years ago when I used to club Thursday thru Sunday there was this guy that could put it down on the dance floor. I mean put it down. All the girls loved to see him in the club cause they already know what time is was. He and I grew up in the same area so I knew him well. We always flirted but he was a bit older than me so I avoided him but he keep coming around. When I was old enough to get in the clubs and see him in action I was like F it, I gotta try that. Epic fail. I gave him two tries that night and I was disappointed both times. Coulda been watching tv, paint dry, dogs fight, somebody give birth, a documentary type bored. LMBO I swore off of judging a man’s bedroom performance off of his dance floor antics that night! I’m still pissed about that ish!
You’ve used the magic word…..”antics”. If someone performs antics on the dancefloor…likes a lot of attention..that is a give away that he is probably boring in a one-on-one private situation. Its the man who suprisingly and quitely knows how to work his hips, when to pull up tight, when to step back…that’s going to be your freak daddy. Oh–I forgot, people today don’t even know how to dance like that.
I wish that was true, “some cases” well me and my cousin went to a party. There was a boy there and he was the life of the party. So they meet and weeks later they have sex. BOY! She said that was the worst ever!! She was so so so disappointed it was funny to me! Lls..so every Chris Brown can take them down..and but they might not cum back around LOL
I agree 2 an extent….It may depend on the pkg as well…I mean…if he can move but u can’t feel him…it’s just a waste. But…maybe it’s just me.
Nope. Not just you. LOL!
What’s funny is that some of my best experiences have been with men who couldn’t dance in particular. They had rhythm, but weren’t much of a dancer.
Drummers don’t have to know how to dance. We sit on a throne, bang out the rhythms you really move to, then… yeah. “Give the drummer some,” indeed.
With care,
A drummer
So are you suggesting all gangstas are terrible in bed?
It’s not so much about how well they dance…it’s more about how comfortable they are with moving their body and not being self conscious. A guy who’s not afraid of “looking ghey” on the dance floor is most likely very comfortable with his s*xuality and has fewer inhibitions.
Since I don’t think I’ve ever had bad sex, I cannot be so sure that I’ve had good sex. I think that’s how it works.
H3LL, my entire experience may not even be worth mentioning because every woman I’ve been with has had one thing in common: they really liked my mind. They seem to enjoy themselves and that seems to be what makes the s3x amazing for me.
Happy people have an easier time making other people happy. Iono.
“Happy people have an easier time making other people happy too.”
I like this.
me2
“Happy people have an easier time making other people happy”
I like that.
Since I don’t think I’ve ever had bad sex, I cannot be so sure that I’ve had good sex. I think that’s how it works.
a woman being good in bed basically comes down to how much she enjoys having sex. all of these signs point to women who literally cant wait to get their backs blown
>>>a woman being good in bed basically comes down to how much she enjoys having sex. all of these signs point to women who literally cant wait to get their backs blown<<<
this is pretty much what dudes tell me, although it seems like flexibility, variety, & spontaneity matter more or less to different people.
as a woman, this also applies to men more than y'all realize…people think "enjoyment" of sex comes down to the climax. if that's all that matters, it's like masturbation. for me, what makes the experience enjoyable is knowing the dude is truly enjoying my body and the interaction our bodies are having together. you gotta enjoy the process as much as you enjoy the end result.
“a woman being good in bed basically comes down to how much she enjoys having sex”
Is that all?! Wow… I have so many comments, but I’m gonna keep ‘em to myself!- for now. Seriously, tho I wondered how a guy measured how ‘good’ a woman was in bed. I mean intensity, duration, # of positions, etc., what? I never worried about it because, well, we did keep doin’ it!
I text a ‘friend’ of mine one day and basically ran down all the things I had done on a Saturday since I got out of bed. I said something to the effect of “damn I’m good when I get out of bed.” (yeah, set myself up for that one) His response was “Great! ’cause I can’t imagine you being any good in bed!” Haha. I replied, “Poor imagination. They have exercises for that you know!”
I think the first comment is 190 percent more true for men. Its always been my take away that guys who constantly boast about their s.exual abilities or alleged escapades……usually have little to none IRL.
Truth. Normally the kats who do little to no bragging about their skills, are the most likely to be able to beat it out the frame…lol
so much truth… so little words <~~~ see what i did there?
I learned a long time ago as a wee lad that you should treat your manhood like a concealed weapon: you don’t advertise what you’re carrying….moreover, you don’t pull it out unless you plan on firing…
#lessonslearned
I see you.
“you don’t pull it out unless you plan on firing”
LOL… true dat!
MmHmm.
Love it!
That’s what she said…
speak softly and carry a big…, i guess?
Cosign.
bombs over baghdad
Oh, I’ve seen women do the same thing and choke on their words…sometimes literally. But that’s another story.
Mr.
_stop_
I’ma try to be good in here today.
And it won’t happen if *choke* comes up again and again.
I see what you did there.
lol true. Then when they fail to meet the expectations set, they blame the length of time, weight issues, distractions…LMAO!
I was in third grade when my older brother told me to not brag about what I can do in the bedroom. It seems like yesterday. Something about the anticipation expectations and all. Your words won’t match your actions no matter how great you are. Something like that.
I was in third grade when my older brother told me to not brag about what I can do in the bedroom. It seems like yesterday. Something about the anticipation expectations and all. Your words won’t match your actions no matter how great you are. Something like that.
Third grade??? Geez, talk about a “Head Start” program…
She really, really, really enjoys food
I always thought that Giada de Laurentiis is probably a freak. ‘Cause watching her show is almost like watching soft p*rn. see example http://youtu.be/zfMj-dWIQlk
Paula Deen
*shutters a the thought of Paula Deen nekkid* She probably puts it on Micheal (aka Santa, Paula’s husband) like the way she eats butter.
I also think that Claire Robinson (I watch a lil too much food network. lol) is a freak.
see example: http://foodnetworkhumor.com/img/claire-robinson-corn-dog.jpg
Paula in action..check the pic
http://msnbcmedia.msn.com/j/MSNBC/Components/Photo/_new/110228-tdy-pauladeen-butter.photoblog500.jpg
You know…that was uncalled for. It really was.
i’m thinking about having her banned
lmao!!! That was Paula! All southern and shyt. lol
i know paula is a bona fide freak.. its ok paula… yoles knows.. you do your thing, that’s how she keeps santa happy
Agree about Paula and Giada, but what about the Neelys? I would hit Mrs. Neely in a heartbeat. I know she’s as tasty as that food. Then again, Mr. Neely knows that, and if I got caught, he beat me to death with his bare hands. Sigh…
The Neelys always come up in these discussions. They just look like they will jump on each other in a heartbeat and slather food all over each other.
I’m waiting for SNL to FINALLY get a black female cast member so they can parody the Neelys.
I can just see them both kneading dough, then sweeping it off the counter and….
Mr. Neely could get it.
ALL. DAY.
LOL, my youngest brother has a big crush on Mrs. Neely. I don’t get what her appeal is, but then again I’m a straight woman so I don’t expect to.
That link/pic just made my morning with laughter. Well dayum, get it Paula.
THAT needed a NSFW notice, THANK YOU!
Ok, i went to the Metropolitan Cooking and Entertaining show this weekend. Paula was the headliner for it. I had to see her of course. Yeah…… uhm….SMH. Paula is a freak…lol. I could not help but think of this article when she was on stage.
The Neelys! You know they some freaks.
I think the husband is a “closet” freak
I literally busted out laughing on the bus. Every time she does her little squeal, I know that’s a recipe I need to try. But seriously, the food thing? Extremely true, X10.
Mrs. Neely and Rachel Ray both have that thing about them. Double bonus because Rachel has crazy eyes.
All the guys I have dated had a secret crush on Rachel Ray! It’s crazy.
Rach seems way too chatty but because of that I’m guessing she’s a screamer.
That’s why we have ball gags.
I always thought rachel ray was the exception she has all the signs of an undercover freak but aint bout that life
you have no idea how much i hate that woman. for one…her kitche is NEVER dirty. two…that little squeal sh*t she does. i just wait for midget motorboat handclap to happen every time. she annoys me.
also…how f*cking tall or short is she? i can never tell. watching her show is like watching mid 90s hiphop videos. half the dudes are dressed for winter. half for summer. you never know what the temp is outside.
Tell em why you mad son!
Do you know that you are plucking certifiable for this ish ^^^^ right here? LOL! get outta my head! I hate people who are that perky…..its unnatural.
Cuz, you KNOW Giada knows her way around a d!ck! She’ll prolly break you off and then feed you a fresh, authentic Italian dessert.
I swear, the only time Giada eats is on camera. Her head is HUGE.
She has a head like Mr. Garrison.
Mmmmkaaaayyyyy…
Giada Laurentis eats with her teeth instead of her mouth. That’s a no go.
Nigella Lawson’s show Nigella’s Bites was porn. The closeups, color, motion, moaning and groaning in pleasure.
My eyes haven’t made it past “she’s a Delta”. Lol…WTF?!?! It must be them east coast sorors. I digress…let me read the whole article…but I surely didn’t see a disclaimer…. *side-eye* LOL
lol. y’all still dont know that the delta thing is a running joke, huh. lol.
You must have also missed the post where, I, Panama Jackson declared my never-ending love for all things DST. lol.
i think it’s good that I’m now known as “the one who hates deltas”
I still love everything Delta. My mother has been collecting elephants since before I was born. We’ve owned ducks a few times. And for some reason, Delta women are kinder to me than the other women are(greek or non-greek).
But I totally have come to understand the Delta bashing. Matter of fact, I want IN on some DELTA BASHING myself.
i see you, Sage lol
*Winks*
and by “never-ending love for all things DST” you mean Gemmie. i love you too, PeeJ xoxo
That delta comment was classic, I have not stopped lmao yet!!
This is going to be one of those “there percentage that don’t understand is higher than the percentage that do” kinda comments … and I refuse to elaborate further but, if she has an under-bite … she’s probably awesome.
if she has an under-bite … she’s probably awesome.
this also goes for women who have a gap bewteen their two front teeth.
Is that why I get complimented on my smile a lot, only by men?!?
For men: Its a certain “swagger” that comes with KNOWING he lays good pipe. He doesn’t have to tell you. Its in the way he talks to women. Its in the way he walks away after he’s gotten your number. Its in the way he compliments women. Its not something a man can fake…women can look at him and say “thassit!”
I have a question for men, especially southern men: Whats the deal with “bow-legs?”
OMG, something about a bow-legg-ed man that just REALLY does it for me…like all the way.
It also helps the man if he looks like a member of the Marley family. Anyone else remember that shower scene in the movie “Shottas?!” Yesssssssss!!!
Anyone else remember that shower scene in the movie “Shottas?!” Yesssssssss!!!
U mean the scene when his hairy petite arse is humping up the Asian girl with the yellow-blackish teeth, whilst whipping his wet locs back n forth?
Do.Not.Want.
Besides we all know Marley peen is curse-sed, their sperm is fertile and induces mental illness.
Slain.
LMBO Bob passed on the gift and the curse to his sons. Lawd knows all I wanna do is admire their talents from AFAR i.e. Shottas. That was NOT just acting, that Asian girl will probably never be the same! *snickers*
Oddly enough , in Episode 2 of “Random Ni**as My Mom Use To Date”, my Mom dated a Marley, first name : Unknown. I remember he use to call the house, and as soon as I heard his voice I’d hand her the phone, I didn’t even let him finish saying whatever the hayle he was supposed to be saying, I didn’t understand a word of it AND he talked slow as all fcuk. I don’t know how she did it.
LMAO!!!!
D.E.A.D.
lmao
i’m all the way dead & gone.
Lawd.
Why did that scene just pop into my head, tho? Damn you Lazlo!!!!
(but i SOOOO agree. Them Marley’s don’t do it for me & the mere chance that i’ll end up birthing 50-leven babies along side 3 other women is.not.cute. period!)
LMAO! I think Damian might be an exception. Isn’t he the only one without kids? Dude was like, “My brother Rohan is a MESS.”
i’m just happy to know that so many folks have seen Shottas. it’s a fine brick in the house of terrible bad black movies. complete with random DJ Khaled cameos before he was da beeeeesssssssssssssss….back then i guess he was just okay.
i’d never even heard of this movie until today. is it worth watching?
no. though the sheer comedy of the f*ckery and ridiculousness makes it a worthy movie to watch at a houseparty while folks are taking shots.
Agreed, Kidsister. I LOVE a bow legged dude.
bowleggedness (totally my word), its just something about the way their legs bend when they walk, run, hop, skip to the damn loo…mmmm-hhmmm Good God!
“I have a question for men, especially southern men: Whats the deal with “bow-legs?”
I’m not a man but I am from the south and I am a health advocate. “bow – legs” = malnutrition and a sign that the person probably had rickets as a child. Rickets: vitamin D deficiency ~ not enough calcium as an infant. And for some reason the hoodrats in the south think its cute to stand like they have rickets…..I guess its and attempt to look like they have a** who knows….but it looks a mess
I think thats a hoodrat trait everywhere…I’m attracted to a slight curve in the leg…it’s a turn off if his legs looks like two C’s facing each other.
“And for some reason the hoodrats in the south think its cute to stand like they have rickets…..I guess its and attempt to look like they have a** ”
LOL, Guys like that gap; easy access? Deep trench? Iono.
WIP… why you have to say “deep trench” tho. Just dead now.
Deep trench?
I’m so done with you…
Welp, guess my severe milk allergy as an infant explains my gap. I’m not a hoodrat. I promise!
She really, really, really enjoys food
Oddly enough Sallie Jessie Raphael made that same observation years ago. If I’m not mistaken she said “Gusto at the table,means gusto in the bedroom”.
Heh. Imagine that. Don’t ask me why I remember that either.
For some reason I think Paula Dean gives a mean BJ. Yep. *shrugs*
I bet she uses butter too.
LMAO
Indeed.
I literally just spit out my water. THANKS FOR NOTHING!!! Lmao!
I owed you for that “Guess Who’s Coming To Dinner” Patti parody from your blog. We’re still not even though. That mess had me laid the eff out. It’s my new favorite thing on the whole internet now.
For some reason I think Paula Dean gives a mean BJ. Yep. *shrugs*
*dead*
+1
Picture says it all. Paula.
http://msnbcmedia.msn.com/j/MSNBC/Components/Photo/_new/110228-tdy-pauladeen-butter.photoblog500.jpg
OH MY…PAULA!
Paula is way too old for that ish. lol.
Still uncalled for.
50 bux says Paula got sticks of butter with pubes in it.
Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeewwww aaaaaaaaaaaack bllleeeeeeehhhhhhhhh. Baaaaaaah!
Paula Deen is. a. freeeeeeeeak. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XDGZfJCnW4Q
whooooooooa! Get it Paula, LOL
in the realm of women i’d never like to envision giving a BJ, paula deen is definitely in my top 200 right before Roseanne Barr and Halle Berry.
i kind of envision Halle Berry to be a lazy lay and probably wouldn’t really “give” head..she’d just…kind of…hold the wang with two fingers and stick her tongue out like a viper and think she was doing something.
I am crying real tears at Halle’s head game. Why must you be so descriptive?! Nevermind, I love you for it. Carry on.
“Heh. Imagine that. Don’t ask me why I remember that either.”
i wasn’t planning on it.