(This post was inspired by actual events of a homeboy of mine. Some folks just never learn.)
It’s happened to everybody at least once. You meet somebody and you hit it off famously…but then you realize that all you really want from them…
…is to hit it off famously.
And thus begins the journey into jump-offism.
Now this is not an easy road to ho(e) as crafting a jump-off situation requires much in the way of nuance and finesse. You can’t just decide one day that you don’t really want any conversation from somebody, but you do appreciate the way they speak into the microphone so you let them keep talking.
You know, I have to wonder what happens the day when somebody – and this probably happens more to women than to men – realizes that they’re the jumpoff. That’s a real moment of clarity, eh? Like, say you’re sitting at home watching Charlotte’s Web or something and you look up and to the left and realize, “holy smurfnickels Batman, this dude is straight USING me as a washing machine – on spin cycle!!!” Seems like that might make somebody violent.
Somebody call Joe Francis, we need to see Jump-offs Gone Wild.
Talk about good television.
Anyway, let’s delve into the 5 Jump-off Commandments, a step-by-step booklet for you to get to properly maintain your jump-off relationship.
1) No overnight stays
I don’t care if there’s an F5 tornado mixed with a hurricane and gale-force typhoon winds outside…
…if you can’t drive home, sleep in your car and pray that it isn’t your time to go.
Staying the night sends the wrong message. It says that you actually don’t mind waking up to them in the morning, when truth is, you don’t even want to see them after you finish going for the gold. Get thee gone.
2) Never let them come to your house
Fact is, if you let them come to your house they can find a reason to stay longer than you want them to. If you go to their house, you control the entire situation. Hell, after your done, you can get dressed and be out the door in 2.5 minutes. Sure they’ll be pissed that they don’t even deserve conversation, but really, what do you have in common anyway? If you cared that much, they wouldn’t be the jump-off, they’d be your friend. And friends don’t let friends become jump-offs.
3) No unnecessary conversations
Undoubtedly, the jump-off will expect you to at least talk to them about the days current events. I strongly discourage this. In fact, I think that you shouldn’t spend anymore than 30 minutes of time in their presence fully clothed…at their house (see #2). And especially don’t talk about Hotel Rwanda AFTER you’ve love shacked, because then you may get roped into a conversation that will make you stay longer than you want (see #1), which is what they want.
4) Piggybacking on the conversations, no unnecessary time
Now, let’s assume you want your jump-off to solely be on JO status. That means you can’t go running around all willy nilly playing Connect 4 or going to the mall while she buys shoes.
5) No gifts
To quote the great Joe Buddens, “My jump off never has me going out of my way
And she don’t want nothing on Valentines Day…” In respect to Bernie Mac…’nuff said.
Take heed and make sure that you’re according your jump-off game all the respect it deserves.
And if you’re a woman and all the things I’ve mentioned have happened to you (or are happening currently)…quit answering the damn phone when you KNOW all he wants is to see you in your skivvies. Unless that’s all you want too, in which case…
…keep the party going.
What are some other surefire rules to jumpoffism? You know, some thou shall not do XXX type ish.
Tell the truth.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P
P.S. No jump-offs were harmed during the writing of this post.