(This post was inspired by actual events of a homeboy of mine. Some folks just never learn.)
It’s happened to everybody at least once. You meet somebody and you hit it off famously…but then you realize that all you really want from them…
…is to hit it off famously.
And thus begins the journey into jump-offism.
Now this is not an easy road to ho(e) as crafting a jump-off situation requires much in the way of nuance and finesse. You can’t just decide one day that you don’t really want any conversation from somebody, but you do appreciate the way they speak into the microphone so you let them keep talking.
You know, I have to wonder what happens the day when somebody – and this probably happens more to women than to men – realizes that they’re the jumpoff. That’s a real moment of clarity, eh? Like, say you’re sitting at home watching Charlotte’s Web or something and you look up and to the left and realize, “holy smurfnickels Batman, this dude is straight USING me as a washing machine – on spin cycle!!!” Seems like that might make somebody violent.
Somebody call Joe Francis, we need to see Jump-offs Gone Wild.
STAT.
Talk about good television.
Anyway, let’s delve into the 5 Jump-off Commandments, a step-by-step booklet for you to get to properly maintain your jump-off relationship.
1) No overnight stays
I don’t care if there’s an F5 tornado mixed with a hurricane and gale-force typhoon winds outside…
…if you can’t drive home, sleep in your car and pray that it isn’t your time to go.
Staying the night sends the wrong message. It says that you actually don’t mind waking up to them in the morning, when truth is, you don’t even want to see them after you finish going for the gold. Get thee gone.
2) Never let them come to your house
Fact is, if you let them come to your house they can find a reason to stay longer than you want them to. If you go to their house, you control the entire situation. Hell, after your done, you can get dressed and be out the door in 2.5 minutes. Sure they’ll be pissed that they don’t even deserve conversation, but really, what do you have in common anyway? If you cared that much, they wouldn’t be the jump-off, they’d be your friend. And friends don’t let friends become jump-offs.
3) No unnecessary conversations
Undoubtedly, the jump-off will expect you to at least talk to them about the days current events. I strongly discourage this. In fact, I think that you shouldn’t spend anymore than 30 minutes of time in their presence fully clothed…at their house (see #2). And especially don’t talk about Hotel Rwanda AFTER you’ve love shacked, because then you may get roped into a conversation that will make you stay longer than you want (see #1), which is what they want.
4) Piggybacking on the conversations, no unnecessary time
Now, let’s assume you want your jump-off to solely be on JO status. That means you can’t go running around all willy nilly playing Connect 4 or going to the mall while she buys shoes.
5) No gifts
To quote the great Joe Buddens, “My jump off never has me going out of my way
And she don’t want nothing on Valentines Day…” In respect to Bernie Mac…’nuff said.
******
Take heed and make sure that you’re according your jump-off game all the respect it deserves.
And if you’re a woman and all the things I’ve mentioned have happened to you (or are happening currently)…quit answering the damn phone when you KNOW all he wants is to see you in your skivvies. Unless that’s all you want too, in which case…
…keep the party going.
What are some other surefire rules to jumpoffism? You know, some thou shall not do XXX type ish.
Tell the truth.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P
P.S. No jump-offs were harmed during the writing of this post.
no phone calls. just text.
theres a dude i know whose voice i have never heard over the phone. its like that.
d@mn shatani. lol. go girl…
Sometimes it is like that.
I am ashamed to say that I had a jump off whose last name I did not know. We jumped off for six months (he’s the mini stalker I mentioned a few posts ago…keeps calling though I haven’t returned his call in over a year).
This was before I turned over a new leaf and decided to stop treating men like pieces of meat.
This was before I turned over a new leaf and decided to stop treating men like pieces of meat.
lol.
lol. It’s sad but true. If a dude wasn’t my boyfriend, I’d give him a nickname, never referring to him by his government name. It was horrible.
if by horrible, you mean awesome, then i agree!!
LMAO.
hee hee. everybody gets a nickname regardless of status. that way me and my girl can talk about you on the sly. this can also include hand signals and facial gestures. watching one of my boys friends try to figure out what me and my girl were saying one night was priceless.
yes, nicknames are key….theyre fun and descriptive. i havent graduated to hand gestures yet, though. lol
my bff and I have a ‘danger’ hand signal we flash when an ugmo is lurking near us in a bar…it’s great. Her husband figured it out, though.
“yes, nicknames are key….theyre fun and descriptive.”
yeah…ya’ll are saying that now, but i’m sure some of ya’ll might be singing a different tune if you accidentally saw that you’re labeled”c*m catcher” or “ho fo sho” in his blackberry, lol
*side-eyeing the champ and his wet blanket* whatever champ. it’s probably on par with whatever me and my girl came up with. and the point is, if you’re doing it right (as with many things) no one will be the wiser.
@Champ…
you are right. lol
good rule of engagement. no need to get personal when you just want to get physical. check formalities at the door with your pants, thanks.
damn. that’s some cold ish – but to be fair, if all y’all are doing is knocking boots, just an assigned number’ll do. no need to get personal and whatnot.
I was JUST thinking this as I read the blog. With all the technology there is you can have dyck-on-demand w/o talking. You get an email, IM or text from me at best. I had a jump off for like three years…til this day he has no idea where I live. And by the way fellas…jump offs don’t get the pretty panties…hmm that made me think of a blog
LMAO
you wear the big panties for the JO?
lmao.
Nah I don’t wear any I like easy access: skirt or dress. Besides what’s the point? You don’t need all the frills and lace. I just spent 80 bucks today on a teddy, you think I’m going to waste my time attaching my garters to my hoisery for a JO? Hell no. Let’s do what we came to do. Now there’s only one way to get me to backtrack on this….BD….now fellas what you don’t realize is that a BD can make us eat all the rules (w/ the exception of catching feelings bc that’s not BD specific..lol) but as far as cooking, etc. If he’s swinging AND puts it down…I might be willing to put on a little show first. LMAO
lmao…i sure dont wear no draws either! lol…and i rock the dresses and skirts. i thought that was just me!
im confused though, whats BD?
LOL Nope it’s not just you! BD=Big Dyck
“Nah I don’t wear any I like easy access: skirt or dress. Besides what’s the point? ”
to some men this does not constitute “punishment” and being “compartmentalized” …you might as well put on the grannys LOL. I see now why there might be issues with this whole J.O detachment thing.
Oh I agree in fact I don’t see it as punishment either. I see it as efficiency. Chances are you and the JO are only working with a limited amount of time.
CTFU!
Yea you’ve got to watch out for those “sticky situations” when dealing with JO’s I’m speaking from old school experience though. I’s growns now….lmao
i didnt intend it as punishment. more of a timesaver!
Love it Shatani…lol
Word.
you never heard his voice via phone??
hm…how does this even happen though?
i assume something has to occur first to push you into JO territory…a recognition that it wont work on a mental level…something. y’all just took it straight there?? all willy nilly?
“i assume something has to occur first to push you into JO territory…a recognition that it wont work on a mental level…something. y’all just took it straight there?? all willy nilly?”
***inserting more people***
The rules to jump-off-ism as I learned them from one particularly sticky situation:
1. Do not keep a toothbrush for them in your bathroom (him)
2. Do not make him homemade mac and cheese or bake him cookies (me)
3. Do not make plans days in advance (both)
4. Do not meet each other’s friends (both)
5. Do not call at 1 a.m. and chat for an hour while on a business trip in ATL (him)
6. Do not initiate a two hr. text convo from New Orleans (me)
This jump-off situation ended very, very badly.
Lesson(s) learned.
damn girl…that was yo pseudo-boyfriend!
but yeah, i learned my lesson on cookin for mofos. and yeah, meeting friends…not cool.
i think you got some good ones, V.E.G. these could also be listed as “ways to NOT turn a JO into a stalker” lol
cookin’ for em is a big NO-NO!! that’s just asking for them to stalk you… you can break em off and burn in the kitchen? h3ll, they might try to marry you… that’s how i got… um.. never mind.
“that’s how i got… um.. never mind.”
VSB rule #34507, no “never minds”.
expound.
nope, leaving you in the dark.
*evil laugh*
yeah, this sounds more like a pseudo-relationship than anything.
one of those relationships where both folks just exist and nobody ever brings up the “title” conversation.
btw, the “title” conversation is a post all by itself.
btw, the “title” conversation is a post all by itself.
yeah, it is
some other rules huh?? I mean you pretty much got it covered really. Those are really all you need but heres what I got
1. dont give them your real name
2. Dont tell them where you work, live, or give them any names and info on your friends. Keep convo beige.. Oh I hava friend thats been there.. that sort of thing3
3No landline numbers… that reverse look up is a biatch!!!
4. Dont get whipped/sprung/turned out…Dont bring out the props, dont let them try the newest techniques,/positions on ya… and definitely no love making.. kissing in the mouth, looking deep into the eyes, full body massages and tongue exploration etc….
“kissing in the mouth, looking deep into the eyes, full body massages and tongue exploration etc….”
What’s the point then? lol.
I was with you until tongue exploration. Please explain…
I was with you until tongue exploration. Please explain…
LOL I meant full body tongue exploration. I feel like this as a jump off….you can kiss my neck, suck a few breasteses go down town but I dont need you kissing me all over trying to memorize my body with your tongue. This is the shyt that turned my JO into my third Long term relationship…..
This, and possibly the mac and cheese and homemade cookies, may explain why many of my jump-offs have turned into real relationships or mini-stalkers.
Sigh.
This, and possibly the mac and cheese and homemade cookies, may explain why many of my jump-offs have turned into real relationships or mini-stalkers.
exactly…
how you gonna make cookies for a JO? ninja’d be lucky if he gets a cup of water on the way out. i’m just saying…
I like to cook and bake and if you are there then you reap the benefits.
I know. I know…
lmao @ “lucky if he gets a cup of water” dag that’s rough!
if you feed the strays, they wanna hang around!!! trust me…i offered one dude some food, and i had a weekend houseguest!
nah, now i make it a point to actually not have anything to eat available. lol…imma look into gettin some “to-go” cups for that water
lol i ain’t even mad at it tho. have a water “station” at the door like, “here, jo(e), a sip for the road”
lol i ain’t even mad at it tho. have a water “station” at the door like, “here, jo(e), a sip for the road”
one of those water coolers with the triangle cups.. yeah son just a sip.. now get yo a$$ out…
lmao! thats how they getcha!
i had one trying to massage my feet and stuff…im like, nah. dont be trying to make me miss you!
This is the shyt that turned my JO into my third Long term relationship…..
lmao. got it…
damn, that sounds like shay-d’s tips for rockin the escort service! lol
damn, that sounds like shay-d’s tips for rockin the escort service! lol
LMAO.. same principle essentially- exchange of funds.
but He.ll I gave it a shot. I been out the game going on 8 years.
lol, shay, your list sounds more like a covert training operation by the CIA on how to sleep with somebody without them ever actually knowing who you are.
like the real name?? so you know before you even speak to them the first time that they’re gonna be a jumpoff?
we don’t believe you, you need more people.
like the real name?? so you know before you even speak to them the first time that they’re gonna be a jumpoff?
we don’t believe you, you need more people.
Really? I didnt say dont give them a name period,just not your real one.. actually my list is not actually stuff I have done but stuff I should have done but thats the one thing on the list thats true (well kissing on the mouth too.. I was never big on that even with my SO). Shay is my nickname….LOL most people never know anymore than that especially since my first name is relatively uncommon, making it all the easier to google me.
Hmmm…I don’t think I’ve ever had a straight jump off sitch…at least not according to these rules. I have had a “friend with benefits” situation end badly though. VERY BADLY. So I”ll merge the two.
1. If you know what it is, you KNOW what it is. Keep it simple. You cannot change the rules. Renegotiating is NOT allowed and will not be entertained.
2. Jealousy…what’s that?
3. At the termination of said JO/FWB situation, just leave gracefully. No longer wanting to sleep with you does not make me a ho. It just means I’m done with you in that way.
That is all.
i feel you on the FWB sitch–having “friends” in the mix makes it a bit tricky. can’t exactly try them like a JO but there’s gotta be boundaries.
yup. and he soooo crossed the boundaries.
no re-negotiating ever?
Renegotiating can be tricky. I’m talking NATO peace treaties, address me and not my client, run-dmc, tricky. I’ve never had one work out.
Ok, I’ll amend the rule to say proceed with caution. And only if you think the other party is open to the convo or at least willing to hear you out. Or just (wo)man up and get it all out there on the table but be prepared to have said changes summarily dismissed which leads to rule no. 3 where you let it go without all the drama.
okay, i can work with that.
i have a question regarding jump-off situations (as i need to re-negotiate my current one, as the ish is not working for a variety of reasons): is laying down rules from the beginning necessary? cos i’m starting to wish i had, as it’s getting messy now…
yes. we want pre-nup! lol
but seriously. how do you know what the deal is if you never discuss what the deal is? communication is key.
i tried to communicate/put an end to it, but his response to me saying “i think we shouldn’t do this any more” was, “we’ll see.” and a smack on the a$$. damnnit this is my fault for getting into a FWB situation – i might need to put an end to this situation … is it wrong that i want a new jumpoff but i’m holding on to the new one until i have someone else in place?
wrong? maybe. practical? definitely! its like quitting your job with no prospects…no one wants to do that.
the thing is. if the fwb goes wrong, thats it for that person. theres no more friendship. you have to scrap that whole relationship.
This is like the sitch I referred to in my post. I too played the “I don’t want to do this anymore” card and he thought I was playing. And then pretty much called me a ho, asked me who else I was having sex with (no one) because that had to be it. And then proceeded to ask me how many people I had slept with and heavily alluded to the fact that I was ho’ing it up around campus (I wasn’t).
It’s not necessarily wrong to hold on but you’re just inviting extra drama, long unnecessary conversations and stress. Either you choose to deal with it until you find some new pipe or just cut it loose. I say cut it loose. And be firm about it but that’s just me. *shrugs*
le sigh. you’re right though – especially because this fool thinks it’s acceptable only to be pleasant to me when we’re alone (and naked)… otherwise i can barely stand his a$$.
What is it that makes people pull the “ho” card when you want to break it off? My j.o. did the same thing when I said I was over it. We were a little cooler than just j.o.’s but that is basically what it boiled down to (we’d actually have conversations and hang out watching cooking shows on tv and what not). Anyway, when I wanted to move on because I wasn’t feeling the situation anymore his ego shriveled up. He kept on trying thinking I wasn’t serious but once he realized I was, he told me “he doesn’t chase pu$$y, pu$$y chases him.” Yadda, yadda, yadda. Thank you for confirming that I shouldn’t have you around.
So my j.o. rule is when you are ready to end the situation, end it completely and don’t look back. Things can get messy and ugly otherwise.
You shoulda punched him in the mouth and kept it moving! What typa ignant ish?
cos i’m starting to wish i had, as it’s getting messy now…
Messy? that might mean its time to move on if 1 or the other partner wants something else….
which makes me wonder.. should there be a time limit on JO’s.. I mean how long can you really expect to lay down and open your self up in such an intimate setting without getting comfortable with each other? And comfort breeds familiarity which leads to emotions and feelings in MOST cases..for men and women I dont give dayum what ya say.
i think there should be too, especially in a FWB situation – if you see the person in a regular social setting, play video games/watch movies/drink with them, you’re just asking for trouble. the clean cut should come at a couple months, tops.
***wishing i could im myself this message 4 months ago***
which makes me wonder.. should there be a time limit on JO’s.. I mean how long can you really expect to lay down and open your self up in such an intimate setting without getting comfortable with each other? And comfort breeds familiarity which leads to emotions and feelings in MOST cases..for men and women I dont give dayum what ya say.
yeah i mean, doesn’t there come a time when you might be hungry? according to these rules you act like yall got a restraining order against the other unless there is a conjugal visit. which leads ME to wonder, are JO’s for every one? at some point you might wanna make a comment about the weather, especially if there is a F5 tornado warning lol. jump offs might be your thing until you meet THAT guy…
JO’s are certainly not for everyone…
true indeed. myself included.
Me too, Gem.
thats what my last two JO’s said. of course, they didn’t KNOW they were JO’s. LMAO.
by the way i’m joking. except i’m not.
thats what my last two JO’s said. of course, they didn’t KNOW they were JO’s. LMAO.
by the way i’m joking. except i’m not.
this reminds me of a patrice o’neal skit
**paraphrasing**
“my girl been with me for five years. but i’ve only been with her for 8 months. its like, “you aint realize that you was a ho for 4 years and 4 months???”
and are JO’s for every one?
nope they are not and the worse thing people do is try to settle for one when its not really what they want. I see chicks get caught up in this all the time.. thinking if they s.e.x him good enough he will give in.. Naw son..you setting your self up for failure. If he wanted a relationship he would have had one…dudes go down this road too. It definitely aint for everyone..
girl, preach! there was a time when i seriously considered that route. but i came to my senses before i did something stupid. i remember the dude was utterly astounded at the idea that i liked him too much to just do the JO thing. i think he still might be! lol but my thing is this….with the JO, the name of the game is Dont Catch Feelings! so, what kind of assjack am i if i get into the situation with feelings already caught????
nah, son. lets just leave it alone.
“so, what kind of assjack am i if i get into the situation with feelings already caught????
nah, son. lets just leave it alone.”
word.
Co-sign and amen. I’ve finally figured out that this type of situation is just not for me anymore. My younger self used to think hitting him off right would make him see rainbows and unicorns and of course, then want to be with me. Learnt the hard way that is not the case.
Better now to just be honest (with them and myself) about what I want and not get mixed up in tangled situations.
yes there should be a time limit. anything past 6 months really starts to get murky. at that point there should be a state of the union type address. and if everyone is still on the same page, proceed with caution. but i cant imagine having a JO for a year or more. that, to me, sound problematic
“but i cant imagine having a JO for a year or more. that, to me, sound problematic”
I recently got out of a situation like this…it was a gray area between jumpoff and friend w/ benefits…it didn’t end ugly, but it didn’t end well either…
the problem is he’s an a$$hole, and his behaviour suggests that he is trying to jeopardise my d#ck supply, which makes me mad. i don’t like fools attempting mind manipulation on me, so i’d rather withdraw gracefully now than end up in a situation where i smash his head in but don’t have a replacement JO lined up. i’m a selfish b*tch, i know, but the situation is making me irrational.
this seems like a situation where you need to make the clean cut, whether you have a new JO or not. it sounds like he knows how to push your buttons and thats NEVER good. JO shouldnt know you have buttons.
and his behaviour suggests that he is trying to jeopardise my d#ck supply
lol at the image of puff’s jump-off raiding her hidden supply of d*cks in her closet and running off laughing
lol i agree with shatani. just whip it (read: “what the deal is”) out and put it on the table. communication is key and the key is for everybody to know they role. no need to pussyfoot around the situation, just be real.
puff, you shoulda laid down the rules from jump lol, not once its popped off! you can’t be switching things up once there is an understanding. or you can just be gangsta and be like look here ninja, this is what we’re gonna do…
lol that’s exactly what i was going to do, put some discipline and appreciation of the p*ssy in him and whatnot. i think that may be the best path to follow, worst that could happen is i free myself up for a new dude…
or you can just be gangsta and be like look here ninja, this is what we’re gonna do…
that’s how 2520s play it. worked with native americans, slaves, SP’s vp candidacy. it’s apparently very effective.
***flat-lining***
*grabbing paddles* clear!!
oh.my. god. *passes out from laughter*
in a coma
that’s how 2520s play it. worked with native americans, slaves, SP’s vp candidacy. it’s apparently very effective.
lmao, you aint neva lied! 2520s have zero qualms. they are a little too lax imo. i have a 2520 co worker. this girl kills me every monday with her stories cause “brian came over and i was like wtf you know? i mean jason asked ME to come over and as soon as i’m walking out the door you decide to be outside? so i mean, i shouldve told him i was leaving but…i couldn’t let him go home dejected so i let him in for a little while lol. oh well, this is what my 20s are for.” meanwhile i’m sitting there feeling like ugly betty and shyt lmao, but she is always in some shyt, and lovin it! i just don’t know too many ppl who can just not give a d*mn.
okay completely off subject but is it just me or has Daylight Savings time happened extra late the last two years?
The Energy Policy Act of 2005 changed both the starting and ending dates. Beginning in 2007, daylight time starts on the second Sunday in March and ends on the first Sunday in November.
google me bebe.
The Energy Policy Act of 2005 changed both the starting and ending dates. Beginning in 2007, daylight time starts on the second Sunday in March and ends on the first Sunday in November.
google me bebe.
Now see.. thats what I am talking about.. LMAO VSB…were not only the bloggers are smart!!!
“Now see.. thats what I am talking about.. LMAO VSB…were not only the bloggers are smart!!!”
word.life.
your co-worker sounds like my bff… who coincidentally is a down-a$$ 2520…
she got divorced a year ago (she married mad young- 19) and its like she’s living her early 20′s now… i can’t keep up with her. at one time she had two trainers, who were “working her out” at the gym and at home
i think she needs to read this. she’s breaking mad JO rules and calling me about what to do about dude sitting outside her house at 4 am texting her like he’s on some romeo type shyt…
**giggles**..thats how u put it down!
a closed mouth dont get fed…right?
you know, its probably smart to lay down rules b/c it gives folks the ability to opt-out. you see, a long time ago, in my more cavalier ways, i straight JO’d this chick without ever telling her. little did i know (i’m lying) she wanted to be my girlfriend…needless to say she took it extremely personal when i’d be out after i was out. lol. and in retrospect, she should have…oh well…
had i TOLD her i didnt want to hear her views on the economy, perhaps we’d still be speaking today. lucky for me, i dont care if i ever speak to her again.
see? jump off.
You can get away with so much more telling the truth, than with a lie …
They may not respect you, but they will respect your gangster/authori-tie/willingness to give them an option.
You never know, you could start a mutual jump-off situation. Insert Tyrese “Its Better to Know”
I don’t care if there’s an F5 tornado mixed with a hurricane and gale-force typhoon winds outside…
…if you can’t drive home, sleep in your car and pray that it isn’t your time to go.
this made me chuckle.
This is ice-cold game right here.
Get out my house!!!!
can i call you, Chuckles?
that sounds like a clown’s name. so no.
Here are good Jump-Off Rules. Most come from personal experience.
1. No cooking for him. The most you can provide him with is a Red Bull before and a Gatorade after. That is all.
2. No chit-chatting in public. If you see each other out at your friendly neighborhood nightspot you can nod, wave or even give a quick hug but nothing more. You can then arrange to see each other via text message.
3. Dont take anything said while doing the deed to personal. I have had jump offs tell me everything from they love me to they hate me while we are getting down. Take it for face value, never mention it again and keep it moving.
4. If by chance you have to spend the night with one another you must always, always have some type of physical contact. There can be no nights of just cuddling!
5. There is to be no slow music or candles. This is not a relaitonship. We will not pretend it is one.
6. Dont be salty if the plans change at the last minute. After all, you are the jump-off. Know your position and play it properly.
Know your position and play it properly.
so profound. this statement fits just about any and every situation. as it relates to a JO–please properly play your position like a PRO.
you know, i’m guessing that the crime and civil lawsuits would dwindle exponentially if everybody would just play their position and/or know their role.
its one of those things that should be on that “everything i need to know i learned in kindergarten” poster.
“The most you can provide him with is a Red Bull before and a Gatorade after.”
this damn near made me fall out the bed laughing…
get him energized before and rehydrate him after you spent him… NICE!
“this damn near made me fall out the bed laughing…”
commenting on vsb.com @207am from the bed…somebody doesnt have a jumpoff.
nope… if you been paying attention, this somebody is MARRIED… we got done, he fell asleep, i was still awake.
nuff said.
touché
My items to add to the Jump Off Rules list…
1. no snuggling/cuddling/hugging
2. no kissing on the lips (stated above already but very important)
3. all small talk. nothing deep or important
4. no dinners out
5. no hanging out in public in general.
and there is a difference between FB/FWB And a Jump-off.
I’ve broken all these rules.
We all have that’s why we now know they are the rules.
LMAO!
say word! life’s lessons are in the mistakes. lol
I’ve broken all these rules.
thats because you have relationshipitis… LOL you just need to stop being scared and get you one to commit to instead of leaving this trail of torn broken men. You whip it on them, feed them full course meals and bake homemade cookies? They know that shyt is hard to find….so they latch on for dear life.. can you blame them? LMAO he.ll I almost want to marry yo a$$. I could go for a warm chocolate chip cookie and a glass of milk right now…..
awww man
lmao! its hard being a relationship-oriented commitment-phobe….in much the same way that its hard being a lazy perfectionist! i know all about it….
damnisha said:
“lmao! its hard being a relationship-oriented commitment-phobe….in much the same way that its hard being a lazy perfectionist! i know all about it….”
dam nisha if this is noncelebrity rehab and VEG is Tawny Kitaen and you’re Gary Busey and Im Dr. Drew then which vsb’ers are the embodiment of Rodney King, Steven Adler, Amber Smith, Nikki McKibben, Jeff Conway and Sean Stewart etc.???
heh heh heh (inhales) whoooo!
“he.ll I almost want to marry yo a$$.”
LMAO! Shay-D, why must I cry?
i’m with you. that was hilarious.
yep, ditto. darn it, i had a DMC with the dude like 3 days ago… i’m just setting myself up for failure.
this—>and there is a difference between FB/FWB And a Jump-off<—is true.
this—>and there is a difference between FB/FWB And a Jump-off<—is true.
SouthernGirl I also think that most FWB situations turn into Jump-Off situations, and then usually fizzle.
SouthernGirl I also think that most FWB situations turn into Jump-Off situations, and then usually fizzle.
I would say its the opposite..
most times FWB start off as friends or jump offs
and end as
enemies..(not all but most) LMAO
Most of my jump off situations have gone from friends to f/b to jump-offs to just not around each other anymore
Most of my jump off situations have gone from friends to f/b to jump-offs to just not around each other anymore
hmm.. yeah I can see that being the other side of the coin too…
I also think that most FWB situations turn into Jump-Off situations, and then usually fizzle.
I would say its the opposite..
and I would say its usually the guy that moves it to FWB territory.
we had this discussion before about women and men and women not being able to keep their emotions in check. In reality women who are into having JO’s (and not been tricked into them thinking a relationship is to come) often know what to expect and deal with it. its the guy that starts to spend the night and get territorial and shyt thus changing the status from JO to FWB and at that point the chick then begins to see potential for a relationship because if we can jump the hurdle from JO to FWB only 1 more hurdle to go to SO…but then I am not really fond of the whole FWB thing the more and more I think about it….
im not a fan either. in situations where youre just meeting the person, the “friend” part is superficial and truly unnecessary. and in situations where youre friends with someone a good while before getting to the fwb situation, nothing good can come of it. unless both people are equally commitment-phobic and just fooling themselves into thinking that this isnt going into relationship territory, then one will catch feelings and the other will not. and theres rarely ever a chance to go back to just friends. not truly, not comfortably. like i said before, you really just have to scrap that whole relationship.
this whole thing is for the birds. in my case, well, the FWB that i mentioned earlier only happened once and i learned my lesson. and i only did the JO thing twice in undergrad and regretted it. well, one was a JO and other was a FWB that ended just fine. i think if that’s what you want it’s cool. but i’m really a relationship girl so i’ve learned that it just doesn’t work for me.
i think i get caught up in FWB more because i haven’t really gotten with strangers (which could be a problem?). i was just thinking about this the other day. i have never met and been involved with a total stranger. and by that i mean a person that has no other ties to my life. it’s always been somebody i went to school with, was in my neighborhood, a friend of a friend or someone i’ve known casually for years.
i don’t think the FWB turns into the JO necessarily. maybe a JO can turn into a FWB but in my case it was all just complicated anyway. long story short, we were best friends for years, took turns liking each other at the wrong time, were kinda together at one point in between our other relationships, but not really, i really wanted to be with him then got over it but was still physically attracted to him. with our complicated history we should have just left it alone but we talked about it and acted on it. it was cool for awhile but then he started wildin’ out. and i realized that i wanted to be in a relationship but not with him. on top of the other drama he was bringing it was just too much and i had to cut it loose.
1. no snuggling/cuddling/hugging
2. no kissing on the lips (stated above already but very important)
3. all small talk. nothing deep or important
4. no dinners out
5. no hanging out in public in general.
and there is a difference between FB/FWB And a Jump-off.
this is so sad lol. i’m a people person da*nit. jump offs sound like the worst arrangement ever. i know my mailman’s name and general life story lol, but i preciate yall’s gangsta about the situation. all yall are on some gin n juice ish.
So turn off the lights and close the door
But for what–we don’t love you howes
V’s up hoes down while ya motherf**kas bounce to this…
this is so sad lol. i’m a people person da*nit. jump offs sound like the worst arrangement ever. i know my mailman’s name and general life story lol, but i preciate yall’s gangsta about the situation. all yall are on some gin n juice ish.
no doubt it relegates s.e.x to its most primal function.. the satisfaction of a physical need..no emotional or spiritual connection…
no doubt it relegates s.e.x to its most primal function.. the satisfaction of a physical need..no emotional or spiritual connection…
so true. which is why JO’s are not for everyone.
“and there is a difference between FB/FWB And a Jump-off.”
Q, I’m glad you make the distinction here. J.O’s are the absolute lowest common denominator. And I sincerly hate to wet sham, duvet cover this reply…but why not shoot for more up the continuum.
If having a J.O is what a person wants, they could always go to one of those mythical pron bookstores/video places (urban legend or not) and back up to a random and literal hole in the wall, making sure that either the banana or the pen!s was wrapped in a condom or saran wrap or if its a dude, look through the hole making sure a saw or a manother man’s @zz wasn’t on the other end (“NTTATWWT” with the latter- if thats what he’s into)before placing his wang in there.
voila..you have J.O se!x minimizing all unnecessary attachment. And you can even request that they have a bar over top of the hole so you can bring your laptop, read a paper or play tic/tac toe.
its not urban legend. lol
voila..you have J.O se!x minimizing all unnecessary attachment. And you can even request that they have a bar over top of the hole so you can bring your laptop, read a paper or play tic/tac toe.
LMAO!!!!
Exactly
Co-sign on this whoooole joint, CBG. That’s why I can’t do it.
Sometimes I wish I could, mayne. But I’m just not made that way.
Co-sign on this whoooole joint, CBG. That’s why I can’t do it.
Sometimes I wish I could, mayne. But I’m just not made that way.
hey scoot over, neither am i.
CBG – While this seems like the logical thing to do, Im still feeling rather disgusted at the imagery of it all. EWWWWWW. It could be a unicorn on the other side of the wall, with an extra thick horn..Or a homeless guy wanting to get his rocks off…No thank u, there are just too many different scenarios.
“It could be a unicorn on the other side of the wall, with an extra thick horn..”
OMG, I’m done with you.
lol…those are the chances you take backin that @zz up to a hole in the wall.
It could be a unicorn on the other side of the wall, with an extra thick horn
go to the corner, immediately
What did I do???
If having a J.O is what a person wants, they could always go to one of those mythical pron bookstores/video places (urban legend or not) and back up to a random and literal hole in the wall, making sure that either the banana or the pen!s was wrapped in a condom or saran wrap or if its a dude, look through the hole making sure a saw or a manother man’s @zz wasn’t on the other end (”NTTATWWT” with the latter- if thats what he’s into)before placing his wang in there.
somebody’s been to the GloryHole International site.
P-Fiddy..what you know bout Glory Holes???
I’ve got the internet. And pop-ups are terrible.
no pun intended.
*Snicker*
ummm, cb-giddy, what do YOU know about glory holes?
well champie- skip -to -my -lou-poo-poo…
my babysitter had a son who was a drag queen and for my bedtime story..i would make him recount to me all of the salacious happenings at the bu@tt necked bookstore.
there are some things that i wish i could unknow. this is one of those things
my babysitter had a son who was a drag queen and for my bedtime story..i would make him recount to me all of the salacious happenings at the bu@tt necked bookstore.
LOL whats funny is it wasnt my babysitter. .but my uncle was a drag queen and use to tell us those type of outrageous stories and to that my cousin who is a prostitute masquerading as a stripper and with whom I lived with for 2 yearsI found out Its a whole underworld of ridiculousness out there..
Even if you’ve broken all of these rules, it is still possible to be considered a jump off though right? I mean anything that isn’t a serious relationship or a strong friendship is a… D) Jump-off
i have a jumpoff that i have had for many many years, the in-between relatioships fix, and we know that and it works.
when i am in a relatiohsip we may chat online or talk if we see each other out and about, but we know everything else is off limits when we are in relationships, no calls, no texts, nuffin…
they just weren’t relationship material, we have very little convo potential (neither one of us is shy, but when we get around each other we aint got a whole lot to talk about), perfect for jumpoffism…
regular?? does this mean regular alise has regular pets??
naw, even regular Alise is spectacular and majestic, how ya love that?
phew *wipes brow* i was worried there for a sec. glad to know you are still spectacular and majestic when you’re “regular” hehe
ooh, i have one: never go to school with your JO….or never make someone you go to school w/ your JO.
and i’m not talking university, where there’s miles and acres to separate the two of you. i’m talking tight-knit, grad school setting, where you take daily classes w/ this person…after that mess ends (very badly b/c said JO was trying to boss up on a ninja like he’s actually the man and got cussed back, forth and yonder), your peers will be sitting around feeling like uncomfortable step-children during the breakup of the blended family. i mean, they don’t KNOW what’s going on, but they can FEEL that something just ain’t right.
ive frequently been made a “child of divorce”…it is most certainly not fun
This is too true. I never dated anybody I went to school with, and I sure wouldnt JO with one. Too sticky.
When the Jumping is done they’ll be putting ya business all in the streets, printing it in the campus paper, writing class essays about it and what not. Im good.
Don’t go to church with your jump off. Yes. I did this.
I am ashamed.
Don’t go to church with your jump off. Yes. I did this.
I am ashamed.
LMAO. All I have to say is: awkwaaaaard.
Oh wow.
and with that, i retire to bed with three hail marys as a novena for your soul.
awww veggie… its alright girl. you see the error of your ways now. *pats v-dot’s head* LOL
daaaaaag V.E.G. you’ve taken many Ls for the team. and now we can learn from your mistakes. thank you, my sista lol.
daaaaaag V.E.G. you’ve taken many Ls for the team
***emailing gem her award for most backhanded compliment of the day***
whatever, Champie.
V.E.G. – you have had quite the interesting relationship life. let me just say that.
We woke up on Sunday and he was like “wanna go to church?” and I said “ok”.
Lol.
It ain’t that deep.
just, d@mn!
“We woke up on Sunday and he was like “wanna go to church?” and I said “ok”.”
I think this right here made the whole situation that much funnier.
I laughed when I read it.
That whole sitch was retarded. this is the same dude who kept a toothbrush for me/who I cooked for.
#6) ladies, never make plans with the jumpoff (or if you are the jumpoff) if you are on your period, that defeats the purpose.
CTFU!!!!
this is CHUUUCH.
1. no snuggling/cuddling/hugging
2. no kissing on the lips (stated above already but very important)
3. all small talk. nothing deep or important
4. no dinners out
5. no hanging out in public in general.
I am not an advocate of the JO relationship … from experience. A BAD experience… my oldest son’s father was a JO gone waaay wrong!!! I didn’t follow ANY of the rules besides no kissing / no cuddling (didn’t want to kiss or cuddle – he had a Big d*ck and that’s ALL I was interested in)…. anyway I had him coming to my house… which led to him showing up at unexpected hours waiting for me. We fc*ked for 1 month b4 the condom “Broke”. At the time I was only sporadically taking my pills… (my silly reasoning) was that I didn’t need to take them everyday cuz besides him I wasn’t doing anything and we always used protection – so I thought I was cool. After the broken condom I took the Plan B pill, tried to douche it out and and everything. My oldest son STILL happened. So.. this is an example of how a JO can end up being in your life for the REST of your life. He eventually admitted that he planned the broken condom. Ladies… be careful.
Pgh Muse said: I am not an advocate of the JO relationship … A BAD experience…
On some level, perhaps unconscious, I suspect Panama agrees with you. The evidence is in the artwork. The jumper is diving head first. A happy jumper would leave feet first.
True. And after all the smoke cleared I was happy I didn’t end up with something worse than a baby. I was wrong for using him and he prolly thought that he was going to play me… and ended up catching feelings, quick. So the moral of this story (and sorry VSB… I know I’m always on a soap box… i really try not to
) is that if you play with fire u will get burned. In one way or another. KIT, I think I already told u that I’m a big fan of your blog and read it regularly. It’s awesome. Thanx for what u do.
actually, i’m a fan of JO situations. not right now, i’m very happily involved with somebody. but i think they do a social good. community service if you will.
jump-offs keep people civil.
but just like anything else, there are rules to keep it at the optimal level.
“He eventually admitted that he planned the broken condom. Ladies… be careful.”
say this again! ive had many a man tell me that this is a ‘woman thing’….pokin holes in the diaphragm and ish like that. nah…men know how to trap yo azz too! i have also had a dude tell me he was trying to make a baby. how bout you put a ring on it first, ninja!
You know – I’ve heard this from many a dude. Major red flag. Not cherry, tropical punch or any other flavor, but RED! Talking about babies (and how they want me to have them) before any conversation of marriage, long term commitments, etc. WTF!?!
Methinks they are just shopping for a cool “Baby Mama”…
“say this again! ive had many a man tell me that this is a ‘woman thing’….pokin holes in the diaphragm and ish like that. nah…men know how to trap yo azz too! i have also had a dude tell me he was trying to make a baby. how bout you put a ring on it first, ninja”
And this is why I used to bring my own.
Paranoia be dayumed.
“And this is why I used to bring my own.
Paranoia be dayumed.”
Shoot, paranoia is not always a bad thing.
Thanks e-twinny.
Shoot, paranoia is not always a bad thing.
it sure as h3ll isn’t. my bff had some fool telling her the same “i want you to have my baby” sh1t and she was paranoid as f^ck.
I’d be SO done. Like dry and done for months. Saying that to me is the fastest way not to get none.
men who do this bother me greatly. why are men taking women’s roles!!! poking holes in condoms is that bullsh*t.
something is amiss in these days lately. uber-sensitive men, men exhibiting women-like tendencies…
skinny jeans all over…
where the hell have all the real men gone???
where the hell have all the real men gone???
::snicker::
this made me chuckle… but i hate to be the wet blanket thrower (nod to CBG) but almost EVERY man I’ve ever slept (not putting up any numbers) with has exhibited this kind of behavior… not to this degree… but in some kinda way has tried to control me. Whether it’s been through threatening (i’ve been there) or trying reverse psychology… trying treat me like I’m not sh*t (it’s been a couple) and I guess they thought i would cry and beg for the d*ck (not me) and get mad when you don’t play their way… or some other form of manipulation. What I’m saying is that He and all the rest of them were REAL men… and men do this ish all the time.
men who do this bother me greatly. why are men taking women’s roles!!! poking holes in condoms is that bullsh*t.
honestly, does this actually happen, or it is another one of those urban legends? asking because usually, when someone talks about condoms breaking or intentional holes, if you ask them a few more pointed questions, a variant of…
“well…actually, to be honest…we were just like “f*ck it” and didnt use anything”
…usually comes out
go ‘head and ask them pointed questions if you want… I’m an open book.
in a circle of males, a man will NEVER admit to doing anything as “unmasculine” as the ish my 1st son’s father pulled. That’s bcuz ya’ll (not u specifically Champ) just males in general front for each other even worse than you front for females… so if a MALE were to tell you it didn’t happen then 9 times out of 10 he’s lying… cuz that’s what ya’ll do and it’s what other men want to hear so ya’ll just feed off of it. Regardless of whether it’s the truth or not.
“in a circle of males, a man will NEVER admit to doing anything as “unmasculine” as the ish my 1st son’s father pulled. That’s bcuz ya’ll (not u specifically Champ) just males in general front for each other even worse than you front for females… so if a MALE were to tell you it didn’t happen then 9 times out of 10 he’s lying… cuz that’s what ya’ll do and it’s what other men want to hear so ya’ll just feed off of it. Regardless of whether it’s the truth or not.”
I feel you on this . . . this is why I don’t take advice from male friends and use their tales solely as entertainment (like back when I used to watch wrestling). When college graduates are still worried about their “gangsta” . . .
Stories like “If I was you I would do this” and “yo, I beat so and so after the club yesterday” . . . no you didnt, you just know that I have no care to follow up on this nonsense . . . I agree with you PGH muse but females aint much better .. . everyone is full of sh!t
well…actually, to be honest…we were just like “f*ck it” and didnt use anything”
…usually comes out
Yeah this is true too LOL especially in my situation with my husband…. but I do know a few dudes that I wouldnt put that past …shyt you crazy enough to handcuff me to the bed you crazy enough to poke some holes in a condom…..
but I do know a few dudes that I wouldnt put that past …shyt you crazy enough to handcuff me to the bed you crazy enough to poke some holes in a condom…..
LOL…I know it says a lot about me… but I’ve got stories and I’ve dealt with some crazy dudes… My little sister didn’t lose her virginity until she was like 22 coming after me… she learned from watching my antics…
you know who’s fault it is, and we haven’t mentioned him in a while. JJ
I read on allhiphop.com this morning that they are making a musical about Jim Jones. First people I thought about was Champ & P-Money.
::snickering::
I’m just here to sit on the VSB e-porch w/my kitties and sprinkle glitter. No contributions cuz umm…well, I am done w/that J.O. stuff. I don’t indulge, nor do I encourage or condone…lookin’ out for my soul n’ shyt (or what’s left of it after my “adventurous 20′s”).
I did wear my VSB shirt out in public this weekend, though. I’ll send a pic to the management.
***glitter***
i still have a couple more years left in the 20s, so i gotta get my livin in now!
I feel you on this one, PBG. A sistah gets tired of the game after awhile. Especially round this way.
I concur.
Left that game alone about 5 yrs ago…lol
I am going to jump on board with my glittery friend. I got tired. Rather, my SOUL got tired.
So I have a question for all of the non-marrieds whose souls got tired of the Jump Off situation… what about consenting adults having a physical relationship?… I’m definitley not in the “game” anymore but I can’t say that I’m swearing off sex 4 ever and ever… if it so happens that I was single and wanted to do my thing and met a man who was wit it… is that horrible for my soul?
I don’t know pgh. I really don’t know. Maybe that would be JO 2.0? Is there such a thing as a mature JO/consenting adults sitch? *pondering this question*
To answer your question, Ms. Muse:
The things you have to do to sustain functional “Jump Off” and “FB/FWB” relationships will eventually turn you into someone you do not like. They rob you of your ability to connect w/people in a healthy manner. The thought processes and necessary emotions crucial for the relationship you eventually want to be in “forever” are slowly eroded and you are left unable to be more than simply physical. Cynicism, paranoia and skepticism set in and before you know it, you are alone. Not because you want to be, but because you’ve forgotten how to truly “be” with someone else. You have left so many little pieces of your soul behind w/the J.O.’s that you have nothing left for your Mr./Ms. Right.
Situations like that aren’t hopeless. Just stop and regroup. Positive affirmations, forgiveness of self and getting w/like-minded individual usually shores a body up to get back into the Real World of dealing w/other people on a healthy level.
***waves to Jesus and his disciples in a caravan of Maserati Granturismo’s***
this is gospel.
The kitties are meowin’ a hymn for ya, CBG.
u r right PBG and this is some righteous advice… just seems really hard. I was celibate for a couple YEARS after that situation with my 1st son’s father. Really I was TRAUMATIZED… and then i met my new son’s father and we’re working it out… but 4 ever is a really looong time…
It certainly is, Ms. Muse. And no matter who comes and goes, YOU are your only true 4ever (well you and BabyJesus).
I personally would like that chick to be somebody I can live with.
Me too PBG… and i know i have a lot of anger with me over situations that I’ve been in…. I am learning that in order to make a situation work i have to learn to trust and that’s hard bcuz of some of the situations i’ve been in… but I’m working on it.
Dang…I think imma have to print this and use it for a daily affirmation. Cuz while I’ve eliminated the j.o.’s from my life, a woman still feels the need to get chopped down every now and again. You just gave me the strength to keep on keeping on.
the truth according to PBG….to steal from Panama….
word.life.
*diva dust liberally sprinkled*
she just spit pure gospel truth right here….
btw… you are off the ration program…
*pumps tiny fist*
Yesssss!
PBG *pumps tiny fist*
We got a lot of lil handed people round these parts, huh?
@PBG…This sh*t was really deep’ than a mug. Excellent advice. I wish somebody had pulled me to the side and told me that sh*t before I started “runnin’ and gunnin’.” well done.
I wish someone had told me too. Knowing me (the younger me who “knew everything”), I probably wouldn’t have listened.
I think happy thoughts and sprinkle pixie dust nowadays.
” is that horrible for my soul?”
Ms. pgh muse–
No—I say do it, and do it well.
I kinda had a life-changing experience, which made me put things in a different perspective.
I had fun, believe you me, and who am I to rain on anyone’s parade?
Get you some girl!
lol… i’m scared of this miss t-lee… but i wouldn’t mind hearing about ur life changing experience…
My long-term (3 yrs)FWB turned into a relationship. Unfortunately he passed away not too long after we “finally” made it official. That was in ’05. So let’s just say it changed the way I look at all things…lol
We were doing all that FWB type stuff, while we were both dating other peeps, and coulda been spending all that actual time together.
I’m just saying that everyone’s situation is different, it will work for some, others it won’t.
I hope you’re not allergic to my 3 cats, Sparkle, Smoke and Tiberius or mind seeing me ride around town in my old wedding dress on a banana seat bike since that seems to be my fate since I am divorced w/children, no longer jumping off, settling for crap I don’t want or have any flavorful flags.
woe.
is.
me.
PBG:
This post had a Miss Havisham feel to it. Say it ain’t so, say it ain’t so. lol.
Put “hip-hop smoothed out on an R&B tip”spin on it and I’ll be that.
this—>or mind seeing me ride around town in my old wedding dress on a banana seat bike since that seems to be my fate<–is not your fate. don’t say that. i too am in a blah moment but don’t put things like that out there. have your moment, take a breath and keep it moving.
the whole point of going through some things is to go THROUGH it. and come out better on the other side.
ok, i’m done.
SouthernGirl…
Sarcasm…I has it.
Yet another snarky side effect of having learned early how to turn emotions off and on at will (and living to regret it).
oh i’m sure. sarcasm is also my good friend. but sometimes folks use sarcasm as a seriously/joking tool. i’m trying to watch my sarcasm these days. at least when it comes to me. others are fair game though. trying to think happy thoughts and sh1t.
“I hope you’re not allergic to my 3 cats, Sparkle, Smoke and Tiberius or mind seeing me ride around town in my old wedding dress on a banana seat bike since that seems to be my fate”
I agree with SG AND ….i rebuke this message in the name of Jesus and kitten kibble and bits..there is power in the tongue my pixie dust lady.
i rebuke this message in the name of Jesus and kitten kibble and bits..there is power in the tongue my pixie dust lady.
who knew jesus and kittens went together?
there is indeed power in the tongue. and yes, i meant that in many ways. and yes i know i’m probably going to hell for putting that in the same sentence with jesus.
SG, I mean c’mon! Who didn’t know?? Have you seen how cute a baby cat is?? That ain’t nuffin’ but My Lawd right there!
true. they are cute with they sneaky @sses. and i think i’m mad your cats are each others JO. lol.
LOVE the cat names, PBG lol
Sparkle is midnight black and a true diva.
Smoke is a snarky Blue Russian whose chases black squirrels all day.
Tiberius is a pimp-a-licious all white tabby w/one black sock. I think he may be Sparkle’s jump-off.
I’m just here to sit on the VSB e-porch w/my kitties and sprinkle glitter. No contributions cuz umm…well, I am done w/that J.O. stuff. I don’t indulge, nor do I encourage or condone…lookin’ out for my soul n’ shyt (or what’s left of it after my “adventurous 20’s”).
I wondered about that earlier.. I mean do JO’s have an age limit? It sounds like the JO’s most described were going down 20′s/college years when you throw most of your common sense out the window…
I mean do JO’s have an age limit? It sounds like the JO’s most described were going down 20’s/college years when you throw most of your common sense out the window…
I think so. At least that’s what it was for me. College was great for any type of slightly slutty behavior
Awww the memories.
JO’s should have an age limit.
Unless you are developmentally delayed for any number of reasons, I don’t think many people got up around age 30 or so and decided to start having NSA-type sexual relationships w/people. Which means by the time you are in your early to mid 30′s you should just be tired of “The Game” and all the tomfoolery that goes along w/it. I mean, dayum…still jumpin’ off @ 40? For real?? That’s not what I want in my future…man or no man.
the management thanks you in advance for wearing it and for the picture when you send it.
deuces.
I agree that after awhile your spirit just gets too tired to be in the game anymore. I left the j.o. scene a couple years back and I don’t regret it in the least. It’s more refreshing and uplifting to be alone and doing my own thing than to be caught up in some unnecessary j.o./fwb drama.
yup.
I did wear my VSB shirt out in public this weekend, though. I’ll send a pic to the management.
good job. i wont even get mad at you today for sullying vsb’s manliness with glitter
Here Mr. Champs, take an extra helping then…
************glitter****************
I didn’t wear my VSB t shirt this weekend, but I did sleep (well not sleep really ) at a Holiday Inn Express with my JO! doesnt that count for anything?
…………………..
*gold stars*
smh @ my VSB mentor.
JO rules:
-make sure your chosen JO is someone whose s3x game is on point, but you can only marginally stand as a person. This helps you avoid messy things like ‘comfort’ and ‘feelings’.
-since you can’t be sleeping there, have contingency escape plans.
e.g. Live in a state where the weather can get crazy? Make sure you got a homie/FWB/ good friend who lives reasonably near your JO that would let you ride out the storm (pun may have been intended)
-while vetting your JO options, make sure there is an adequate number of degrees of separation between your social circles. 5 is usually enough.
I may have some more as I muse over past JO situations…
that first one is generally the way i like to do it. if i dont wanna talk to this person in the daytime with clothes on, then i know it’ll work out. for me anyway…ive noticed that the men start to dig that whole “im really not interested in you” thing for some reason. then they catch feelings and start getting jealous and territorial and then it happens…”broken condom”
So according to you it’s men that get territorial in your relationships, hmmm
in the fwb relationships? yes. thats been the trend.
in the fwb relationships? yes. thats been the trend.
He.ll to the yes. because FWB usually only benefit the man. they get all the joys of a relationship without the commitment they see it as a permanent status where a lotof women see it as transitional. Dont get me wrong I am sure there are plenty women that have benefitted from a FWB and can enjoy them. but I have seen 2 many that go the other way
“So according to you it’s men that get territorial in your relationships, hmmm”
its ego…if women have issues with not catchin feelings..men have issues with placement on the FwB-JO roster.
its ego…if women have issues with not catchin feelings..men have issues with placement on the FwB-JO roster.
hmmm. interesting and sh*t
Lovely topic, here’s my take on it for those interested:
http://cornellwestside.blogspot.com/2008/08/ode-to-jump-offs.html
One thing I’ve noticed is that there’s, on average, a 3 month jump off expiration date. At that some point either party is going to catch feelings. More than likely it will be the woman.
One rule I learned is that you have to let go when in the sack with the jump off. This is your time to experiment, get as freaky as you want. However, this only works if you follow the well-crafted list that Panama has provided us.
Good dyck leads to her catching feelings. ALWAYS (even if the arrangement is HER idea). It’s inevitable, just enjoy it while it lasts, when the fire burns out, light another match.
Jump Offs, we love you…in a “there’s no way that she can have a baby outta her mouth” kinda way. Word to Jadakiss.
You can now “get your mackin’ back in perspective”
P.S. Panama, can we gather the good people of VSB to create a “Jump Off Playlist”? I know you thought of lots of songs while writing this lol.
the jump-off playlist?? that might be a good idea…
hell the two most obvious to both start and end the playlist would be: lil ‘kim’s “the jumpoff” and joe budden’s “pump it up”
but there have to be plenty of odes to the jumpoff:
shirley murdock – as we lay
luther vandross – if only for one night
umm…rap music 1997-2008
lol… i’m gonna be thinking on this…
some other songs that come to mind:
- choke me spank me (pull my hair) by xzibit
- i wanna f*ck you by snoop and akon
- superman by eminem
- is that yo b*tch by jay, bleek, twista, & missy
- addiction freestyle by joe budden
- choke me spank me (pull my hair) by xzibit
I completely forgot about this one…lol
My two cent…
1. Me and Mrs. Jones
2. F*** Me for Free– by Akyinele (best known for Put It in Your Mouth)
3. F***ing You Tonight– by Notorious B.I.G.
4. Poison– Bell Biv Devoe
5. My neck, My back– by Khia
“3. F***ing You Tonight– by Notorious B.I.G.”
Umm Umm Umm.
That’s all.
Yeah that song was a hit. I wish my wife would sing that sh*t to me…on some “Trading Places” sh*t.
It makes me wannna sang!
“You must be used to me spendin’,
All that sweet winin’ and dinin’…
But Iiii’m f-ing you toniiiight.
Whoooaaa-0ooh!”
d@nm you posting the lyrics…. WHY was I singing this OUT LOUD while walking to get my afternoon caffiene fix?!?!
the doorman at the condo next door gave me that “fa real, shorti?” look… i had to bust out my patented mean mug/ring flash real quick…
D it’s scary how much we think alike
1. F*** Me for Free– by Akyinele (best known for Put It in Your Mouth)
2. F***ing You Tonight– by Notorious B.I.G.
3. Head- Prince
4. Storm (forecass)- Jamie Foxx
I.H.,
I forgot how dope that Jamie Foxx sh*t is…thanks.
i once gave a due some serious brain from trax 1-8 till he couldnt take it anymore
damn Patron!
IH….
I’m starting to feel you are my kindred spirit/ personal she-ro n’ sh*t….
IH/BBerry Molasses,
You two should be commended for your efforts. And I’m not talking about for your appreciation of tracks 1-8.
Playlist?
I got 5
Atlantic Starr-Secret Lovers
Skyy-Call Me
Link-Whatcha Gone Do?
112-You Already Know
David Banner-A Girl
112-You Already Know
I love this joint…
my all wu contribution
“strawberry” ghost, rza, and inspectah deck
“sweet love” meth, street life, cappadonna
“dogsh*t” o.d.b.
“maria” (off wu-forever)
C’mon Champ…you forgot one of the greatest Wu jump-off tracks of all times…”Ice Cream.”
“Watch these rap niggaz get all up in your guts
French-vanilla, butter-pecan, chocolate-deluxe
Even caramel sundaes is gettin touched
And scooped in my ice cream truck, Wu tears it up”
i love that song.
“Jump Off Playlist”?
A J.O. playlist?? Doin’ too much, are we??
How about you just turn the radio on for that randomosity and hope the local DJ is crankin’ that night?? Meticulously crafted playlists are NOT for the J.O.’s.
this made me smile. and laugh.
“Meticulously crafted playlists are NOT for the J.O.’s.”
LMAO! This is f-ing funny! (Although I believe that their is an appropriate playlist for every scenario and relationship including J.O.s.)
I don’t have any rules for jump-offs because that part of my life is over. Too bad nobody didn’t say I couldn’t share past memories of successful one’s I’ve taken part in. Please note these rules only apply to people that are “getting it in on the side” while in a relationship with a SO.
1. Your jump-off should know that your in a relationship. When I used to do my dirt, that would be one of the first things I would tell a prospect. With the jump off knowing that information they will know when to call or text you and that spending time “boo-loving” is only for wifey, not them
2. No oral sex. I had a jump-off get all emotional on me after she rocked the mic. There’s also the STD’s thing, which is more important than your jump-off getting emotional on you.
3. See the later part of number 2 and protect yourself by using a condom
4. Only do s3xual positions that doesn’t involve looking into the jump-offs face. i.e.: Doggy Style. Remember the last thing you need is your jump-off getting all emotional on you.
5. Lie Lie and Lie again <– This can be used for any relationship!!!
6. Location, Location, Location. This is also a main rule in real estate. You’ve all heard the saying “Never shyt wear you ear”, well I say, “Never shyt in the same zip code wear you sleep”. I will go as far as saying the same city. Thank God New Jersey is only a 5 minute trip from Philly
7. Erase all evidence of any wrong doing. This includes emails (erase emails in your sent and trash folders), photos, phone numbers, credit card records . . .matter of fact never use a credit card.
8. Multi-tasking. In my rule number 6, I mentioned the old saying about shyting where you eat, but why not have you a “nooner”? “Nooners” is when you have s3x on your lunch break or during normal working hours. This is not to be confused with you coming home late because you and your secretary where “buried in work” “Nooners” are great because you don’t have to sneak around at night or the weekends. they make the rest of your day that much better. But remember rule number 5, when your SO asks what you ate for lunch . . . but then again you should have followed rule number 2
9. Never take your Jump-off to a hotel. Your car in a hotel on wheels and a parking garage is only $5 dollars an hour. You do the math.
This ish right here….
is why folks get their stuff smashed up.
“6. Location, Location, Location. “Never shyt in the same zip code wear you sleep”. ”
It’s all about the buffer zone.
don’t have any rules for jump-offs because that part of my life is over. Too bad nobody didn’t say I couldn’t share past memories of successful one’s I’ve taken part in.
I dont think it matters..I basically based mine on things that would have prevented my JO from being a significant other for almost 3 years…LOL
Lie Lie and Lie again <– This can be used for any relationship!!!
All? really thats sad..
Really sad.
Please note these rules only apply to people that are “getting it in on the side” while in a relationship with a SO.
d*mn eff, what about the relationship?
This is hypothetical speaking , nothing personal on my end.
You are giving away all my rules and secrets . Shh
I’m not revealing today…lol
Aw….I would’ve shared if I knew this before.
lol. knowing is half the battle.
Booooo get off the stage…..
Dayum…it’s like that?!
LOL I kid cause I love! SouthernGirl is right – we care, so share!
It’s happened to everybody at least once. You meet somebody and you hit it off famously…but then you realize that all you really want from them…
…is to hit it off famously.
question.. I know situations where a person goes out and looks for a JO..but what would make you decide after meeting someone and “hitting it off famously” that they should only be JO…I mean did the person display a red flag?
“I mean did the person display a red flag?
”
LOL …Yeah..flag…um, im thinkin of an unrequited one…
probably a red flag or i mean…
case in point, in life, there have been people i’ve met that upon first meeting them they seemed intriguing but over time they get boring or you just realize that you don’t have much to talk about or in common, etc…you connected on common ground, but that was the only common ground.
now say that you two, despite not really having anything to talk about do experience some sort of chemistry, its just not mental…its all below the belt.
now, chances are, only one person both acknowledges AND accepts that there’s no mental chemistry (vital to a real relationship) and they’re who’s finna turn the other into the jumpoff.
just cuz you hit if off famously doesn’t meant you’ll really be a good match.
could have just been one good at-bat.
“could have just been one good at-bat”
Perfect description.
case in point, in life, there have been people i’ve met that upon first meeting them they seemed intriguing but over time they get boring or you just realize that you don’t have much to talk about or in common, etc…you connected on common ground, but that was the only common ground.”
This has been my plague. . . I have ended up in relationships with people that should have only been jump offs . . . like the GREAT majority of them. . . got physical early on . . . girl starts doing things to make me want her around (cooking, screwing. . .im easy) . . . but realistically, I have nothing to talk to these women about . . . I haven’t connected with any of my significant others on an intellectual level . . .
I have been dealing with a bad idea smash and have met someone that I actually connected with. The bad idea smash informed me that they didn’t want to be in a relationship with me (which was a lie . . . but she said it anyway) in effect making her a jumpoff – I told her I will see other people . . . she said it wasn’t a problem. Now that I have met another woman . . . she is getting all territorial and sh!t . . . saying things like . . . “I don’t want you to see her anymore” . . . Now I am worried about an unwarranted jasminey situation . . .
moral: DAMN the jump offs. . . nothing but trouble.
IVR, I swear you get caught up in some sh!t. lol. you ALWAYS have something to contribute…
“IVR, I swear you get caught up in some sh!t. lol. you ALWAYS have something to contribute…”
Tell me about it, at least I have the fine folks here at VSB to vent with. I try not to take advice from my male friends because some variant of “just fukk her and don’t talk to her” comes out. They tend to say things that they really dont mean or practice in real life. . .kinda using me as a science project.
Female friends are often past conquests or I am waiting for an in . . . talking to them is just counterproductive . . . so VSB is my forum. . . lots of different outlooks. I learned not to eat red sauce from women from New Orleans. . .I would have had no idea. . .lol
‘They tend to say things that they really dont mean or practice in real life. . .kinda using me as a science project.”
See…that just ain’t right.
“See…that just ain’t right.”
Werd . . . unless I plan on being a manwhore, their advice is normally pointless.
unless I plan on being a manwhore, their advice is normally pointless.
i’m glad you figured this out.
‘They tend to say things that they really dont mean or practice in real life. . .kinda using me as a science project.”
this is why i dont understand people who dont think men and women can be friends. in my experience men give other men the “just bang her” advice and women give women the “girl just leave him” advice however I give my male friends the real deal and they have given done the same for me…..So why not foster these relationships?
like the GREAT majority of them. . . got physical early on . . .
which is why I tell my girls that if they are trying to have a long term relationship they should hold off on the s.e.x first.. it clouds your judgement and will have you spending months/years in a relationship that aint worth it cause the s.e.x was good and you guys connected on a superficial level.
“which is why I tell my girls that if they are trying to have a long term relationship they should hold off on the s.e.x first.. it clouds your judgement and will have you spending months/years in a relationship that aint worth it cause the s.e.x was good and you guys connected on a superficial level.”
That sounds good . . . but how long is good enough to wait? Who is gonna stick around for that? There are so many variables involved. . . too early and you are a jump off . . . too late and you are a wackass prude. . .
That sounds good . . . but how long is good enough to wait? Who is gonna stick around for that
someone thats worthy of a relationship. Its not like I am saying wait a year, but dayum aint nothing wrong with taking it slow and getting to know a person first. I mean just kicking it. Whatever happened to that shyt? I hate to hear people say shyt like I am grown I dont have time for that or saying that a woman is playing games because she aint immediately dropping the draws.. thats some bull thats basically the same line dudes was running trying to get me to drop the draws in highschool..I thought you were mature.. I thought you were a woman. I am trick, thats why you aint getting none!!
question.. I know situations where a person goes out and looks for a JO..but what would make you decide after meeting someone and “hitting it off famously” that they should only be JO…I mean did the person display a red flag?
sometimes it aint about red flags though. sometimes you just do wanna be in a relationship and sh*t, regardless of how bomb a chicks pumpkin pie and pu**y is.
it be like that sometimes
cuz i can’t control the rhymes.
From some of the comments today its clear that a lot of people have either A. Never had jumpoffs, or B. Were jumpoffs yet still aren’t aware of that fact so they think they’re standing on higher ground because they got to see dude’s/shorty’s crib.
I know a lot of this is for S&G’s but really how can you have a jumpoff rule stating 1. no sleeping over and 2. no seeing my crib??? What kinda lives are y’all living?
Obviously some of the other things go without saying, No kissing, No gifts, No unnecessary phone/regular convo, No sort of acknowledgment in public…etc BUT…
The only reason to have a jumpoff is for the ease and convenience of the issue. Will Pizza Hut make any more money if they didn’t deliver? Would 7/11 be a million dollar company if it started closing at 11pm?? Jumpoff = Ease without the stress. In fact I think it comes from the latin orgin jumpilonia offesis meaning “he that can hit it whenever he pleases”.
I’m leaving work and I think to myself hmm you know what would be great, getting some booty tonight. Text “hey come thru tonight, i’m watching the game with my boys so I won’t be home until 12pm.” the only appropriate response = ok.
Come home from watching the Steelers lose, get in some skins, take a shower go to bed. Whether or not she stays, doesn’t stay whatever I’m waking up at 6am to go to the gym, just make sure you’re out as I’m leaving the crib.
fin.
PS. Happy Birthday to me!
Dorian, I agree with you on this no staying the night rule. I call BS on it. On the RARE occasion that we (meaning HIM and I) have been “jump offs” to one another. I always went to his house, and always stayed the night. Now I will be out of the house prior to 8am or you leaving for work, but Ill be d@mned if Im getting up and leaving at 4 in the morning. More than likely I was tipsy when I went over there, and if he hitting it right, you should not be able to hop up all willy nilly talking about driving home. If you’re lucky enough to see me naked than you can certainly come to my house and vice versa. Where else is the action taking place? Certainly not in a car, at least for me.
As for out of state “jump offs”, there will be overnight stays and hotels are okay.
PS – HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!
“Now I will be out of the house prior to 8am or you leaving for work, but Ill be d@mned if Im getting up and leaving at 4 in the morning.”
You feel me?
I’ve always stayed the night, and they did as well.
That was a running rule that they knew before they agreed to the “event”.
I ain’t leaving a warm bed at 3am to do the walk of shame. That can definitely wait until the morning, after we’ve gotten “one more”. lol
HB Dorian!
Thank you miss
Happy Bday!
Thank you, thank you very much.
LOL @ ” Will Pizza Hut make any more money if they didn’t deliver? Would 7/11 be a million dollar company if it started closing at 11pm??”
¡¡Feliz Cumpleaños!!!
Graci
ummm i think you meant “gracias” (or maybe the italian “grazie”). either way nice try and de nada/prego
LOL! D@mn Gem…you could’ve let him slide on his B-day.
AND FYI– that was Zimbabwean for “thank you”…don’t worry Dorian I got your back, homey. Happy B-day.
By the way, that name Dorian is probably the dopest name I have ever heard in my life. Some might say I’m biased though…
lmao i was just curious, geez! usually if you say something in 1 language, you expect a response in the same language, or at least an attempt. i was just in a “each one teach one” moment.
and really, “zimbabwean” is NOT a language lol. isn’t the country’s official language English?? either way, i doubt graci is it, D*Pain boo boo.
Actually Gem, graci is a spanish swag term that while close to the word gracias, loosely means “good looks my delicious mocha latte”.
I thought you were up on that, but I guess not.
Gem,
I guess you just know everything about every language ever uttered, huh? And, I know Zimbabwean isn’t Zimbabwe’s national language. Zimbabwean is actually a little known dialect among an obscure Nomadic tribe in Ketchikan, Alaska. DON’T TRY TO GOOGLE THEM…they are so obscure that the internet doesn’t know anything about ‘em yet. HOLLA!
Dorian–you right man. i’m a fraud. thanks for puttin me up on game, not-quite-a-quarter-century bday boy! *terrorist fist bump*
D*Pain (in my $$$)–you are effing HILARIOUS!! got me disrupting the research business goin on in my lab with my LOL’ing. i like you, you’ve got spunk!
“I guess you just know everything about every language ever uttered, huh? And, I know Zimbabwean isn’t Zimbabwe’s national language. Zimbabwean is actually a little known dialect among an obscure Nomadic tribe in Ketchikan, Alaska. DON’T TRY TO GOOGLE THEM…they are so obscure that the internet doesn’t know anything about ‘em yet. HOLLA!”
This must be the tundrawookie tribe . . . I am aware of this tribe.
@ Gem,
“i like you, you’ve got spunk!”
D*Pain’s powerful spunk is evidenced by his offspring…. though we have yet to see pictures… so it didnt happen
LOL
happy bday..how old is your as(cot) btw?
I’m on that Kobe number…one over Jordan (c) ‘Ye
“I’m on that Kobe number…one over Jordan (c) ‘Ye”
well looks like your age will forever be shrouded in a pixie dust of mystery …lol
LOL what do you mean, please tell me you know what number Jordan wore.
without googling..imma say 1??
but that cant be right because that would make you a very smart toddler..
***mkay imma google now***
*Smacks forehead
I have a quick aside question though, when you (not just you but you know you) listen to songs and say Hov says “that Roberto Duran…no mas” (on Independent Woman remix) or Weezy goes “All my jewels be blue and yellow, the type of sh!t that make them call you Carmelo” (Swagga like us), do you just nod your head like this beat is tight? Or do you just assume they’re saying something else?
do you just nod your head like this beat is tight? Or do you just assume they’re saying something else?
hehehe…. i thought the roberto duran line was from missy’s one minute man?? either way, i have that verse stuck in my head now.
where is that question exactly going D-Money…don’t get cute cause its your birthday k?
i wouldn’t necessarily consider myself to be a hip-hop connaisseur able to immediately connect all the sports reference dots..but I do know Duran did some boxing stuff right?
it goes the other way too boo boo…i could ask you when mentions like giuseppe, mcqueen, chole etc..etc end up in songs, do you immediately know who and what they are…im sure (and I hope most men go “say huh..say what”).
i don;t think its a good look for a woman to pretend like she likes something that She naturally doesn’t just to impress a man. I’m not totally clueless re sports (ok maybe i am) but wtf..thats me.
“…don’t get cute cause its your birthday k?” LOL
Can you tell me who the f___ “giuseppe, mcqueen, chole” and them are? And which rappers are referencing them in songs.
I am actually old enough to remember when the Roberto Duran “no mas” reference was born, I actually saw the fight…
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Leonard-Duran_II
Gem: By the way, you should go by Jem only because when I read your name that theme song immediately pops into my head (I have sisters fall back). And I stand corrected it is from that one minute man remix, but he had that spectacular line (get your independent ass outtahere, question?) so I always just associate that verse with independent woman.
Comeback: I’m not gonna lie it took a couple Marc Jacob references for me to understand that he was a famous designer. In my defense though, its not because I have no desire to know and rock the flyest sh!t, but more because my bank account won’t let me recite those lyrics with any kind of authority.
Come home from watching the Steelers lose
******************************************
Its pretty much the second best part of an NFL day
I know a lot of this is for S&G’s but really how can you have a jumpoff rule stating 1. no sleeping over and 2. no seeing my crib??? What kinda lives are y’all living?
i call BS on both of you calling BS on this one. i have done this and its optimal (for you). now mind you, i never said you pulled this from the beginning. and it is impossible for somebody to NEVER know where you live. however, at the point where i did have jumpoff(s), i would not spend the night NOR would i have them over at my place. it just made things to messy…
by the way Dorian – Happy Birthday broham.
I stand by my BS call. I will NOT be leaving post s3x. That’s the beginning, middle and end of the situation.
Perhaps because it was usually the middle of the night (between 2am and 4am) when these “situations” may have occured….. Now if it happened prior to lets say 11, maybe even midnight, I may can see the no sleeping over rule applying. But in the wee hours of the morning – HELL TO DA NAW!
I stand by my above statement.
Thank you and good night…lol
Thank you
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DORIAN!!!!!!!!!!!!
*throws confetti*
*sings naija version of song*
IP IP OORAY!!!!
*Waits for you to spray me
Happy Birthday Darling Dorian
Um I still want my present though
u want me to blow out ur candle?
Scorpio… You Freak! Happy Birthday!
Have we um…met before? You seem to know a lot about me…lol.
Thanks for the well wishes.
see i had the opposite problem. i am female, made a male my jump off. we both knew it was a jo thang, but he continued to break all of the rules!!! he wanted to talk all night, hang out fully clothed at MY house. and he had the nerve to get bent out of shape when i would rush thangs!!!
would it have been better if he hung out at your crib naked (pun intended)
Hush.
This one’s for the fellas…
1. No making out. I mean, seriously…for what?
2. (Pertaining to Single Jump-offs) When she starts talking about establishing a relationship…cut her off!
3. The ideal jump off should have a significant other and if/when she begins talking about establishing a relationship with you…suggest ways by which she can repair her current relationship. NOTE: Encouraging her to fix her relationship does not necessarily require you to stop hitting. The gesture is empty and self-motivated, allowing you to convey to her that she is unwife-able; all without engaging in unnecessary drama.
4. Eff Yo Couch said it best… “Never take your jump-off to a hotel.” This supports my fourth point that you should never spend money on a jumpoff. Money spent implies a “significant otherness.” I once had a jump-off who wanted to be wined and dined. It became painfully obvious that she didn’t fully understand the nature of our association. She knew she was a jump-off but she also wanted to go out for drinks and dinner. Needless to say she got axed…EARLY.
5. A jump-off must be expendable. I don’t care if she is the sexual version of Jesus Christ… deployed by God himself to liberate you of all of your arcane sexual ideologies…one must maintain the necessary emotional disconnect that will allow you to drop her like she’s hot.
That’s all I got, for now…
I don’t care if she is the sexual version of Jesus Christ… deployed by God to liberate you of all of your arcane sexual ideologies…
WOWsers.
Here we have, ladies and gentlemen, the reason why many women are tired of the jo scene by a certain age – no matter how sexually uninhibited, fun loving or just plain freaky we may be….realizing that this is happening to you (even if it was your intention to make him your jo) is enough to make you pack up your panties (if you were wearing them) and go home to your toys.
That’s what I’m sayin’, Lil’ T. Enough already…dayum.
D*Pain D*Scribes:
“5. A jump-off must be expendable. I don’t care if she is the sexual version of Jesus Christ… deployed by God himself to liberate you of all of your arcane sexual ideologies…”
Young$$$ how’s the seed? growing i know. good to see ya. keep laying ur smack down. thanks for not being a resthaven for hoes.
believe in me,
a.k.a hustle simmons
G. Khan! What’s hood? The little one is great (thanks for asking)! Pretty and plump. Finally sleeping through most of the night. How’ve you been?
p.s. we don’t luv them hos.
welcome back and sh*t
Thanks homes. You know how it is…VSB fo’ life!
**contorting fingers in an effort to spell VSB in gang-like fashion**
the visual i conjured up made me choke on my greens…
collard greens??
mixture of spinach, collard and mustard.
Black, southern and proud. lol.
i’m not big on mustard greens, but i’m hating big time anyway. hmph *crosses arms and pouts*
Jump off deez*…
http://insidethemindofadeviant.wordpress.com/2008/11/01/didnt-we-almost-have-it-all/
Not kidding.
I don’t know nothin’ ’bout no jumping off. Where did that phrase even originate? Dorian tells us it’s from the Latin “jumpilonia offesis ” but when did regular old Americans start using this phrase?
It seems like having all these rules and bylaws takes away from the actual fun of phucking.
*nuts
I think the term came from a song…at least I thought it did. Someone help…lol
good post over there Deviant…lol. probably a little bit too accurate, if there is such a thing.
and it had to come from some random song somewhere…some random ninja in harlem said it one day while some random rapper was standing there…dude said it in a studio where famous rapper A was who heard it and threw it in a verse…
that’s how 99 percent of slang gets started, i’m guessing.
either that or by e-40 trying too hard.
either that or by e-40 trying too hard.
LMAO
“either that or by e-40 trying too hard.”
LMAO! This made me laugh like crazy… something about old-@ss, fat-@ss E-40 being the forefather of urban lingo.
this was a great entry. good job
I guess I have to wait to go home to read it. My job has blocked all websites containing the following words: wordpress, blogspot, typepad, blogsome, etc. BULLOCKS!! They won’t even let me use Google translator anymore.
Thank goodness for vsb. I don’t know what I would do without it.
“Thank goodness for vsb. I don’t know what I would do without it.”
Probably get work done.
No looking into the others eyes or allowing them to look into your eyes.
That just leads to conversation and longing and him trying to stick around to tell you about how his grandmother told him how to find a good woman. Uh what? Aren’t you leaving now? I know its 4am (and you don’t have a pet), but doesn’t your dog need to go for a walk or something?
I quickly implemented rules 1 & 2
bingo.
…said don’t forget rule #6:
Don’t ever, ever, ever, eva, come by here, okay!!?
LOL…i can’t imagine saying that to somebody, but i have WANTED to say that somebody who showed up unannounced before.
i used to heart chris tucker.
And friends don’t let friends become jump-offs.
LOL! Classic
-OG
thanks. i shoot for classic.
*checks The Manual*
*Turns to chapter on Expectation Management *
1) There is your wife. The woman you take to office functions, funerals, weddings, and christenings. Your partner in life whom you lost to your children’s needs.
She represents the public “you”. The one you want people to see.
She is respectable.
She’s elegant.
She is trust worthy.
As the great Pimp C said, “she helps you keep your money up”
Most importantly, it is she who fixes you a plate @ the BBQ, and turns a blind eye (and nose) to your midnight “basketball” sessions @ the gym.
2) Then there is your mistress. She knows her role, and is more than content to play second fiddle whilst waiting for a man with more money or more mandingo.
She is the one you actually confide in.
3) There are the random chicks you meet @ the job that you take back to the executive washroom. (we call them admins @ my job)
4) And I don’t think we need to discuss the Latin American accounts in the Dominican Republic nor Brazil. Which reminds, I do need to send a that Nintendo Wii for lil Plantanito.
5) It pays to use a professional, ask Bill Clinton. But when you use a professional, pay cash. Remember Elliot Spitzer.
6) The Friend with Benefits – Aka an old Ex of yours. You can still hit it, as you proved @ her wedding reception. Just a quick bust, no fuss. And you have a great drycleaner to get that stain.
But what do we make of the jump off?
Who is she?
Is she more respectable than your Wife? Of course not.
She’s certainly not prettier than your Mistress.
How do we select?
How do we cultivate?
How do we maintain her interest?
How do we keep her in that position?
These are the questions the modern gentleman must ask himself.
How did you meet?
Was it at the sports bar watching the Gators run tings this weekend?
Did she tie her jersey in such a way as to show off her tramp stamp?
Of course you ignored the muffin top created by those low rise jeans. And you were delighted by the g-string whale tail.
Why?
She’s laughing at your stupid jokes and not saying anything about the discolored white circle around your finger.
“Vitiligo!”
“Burned as a kid?”
Oooh, what is that you see in her eyes? Ahhh the warm glimmer of low self esteem masking itself as sexual bravada and confidence.
As the Amstel light crosses her gullet, you can tell that she’s ready.
Back at the Embassy Suites, you ponder…
What makes Ms. Jump Off different than typical quickie with Caitlin from Accounting (she’s in her experimental phase), is that she’s the true whore that you hoped your mistress used to be.
You can’t do these things with your wife. Nope, that mouth kisses your children before they go to school
And your mistress will have none of it, anymore.
And those random club chicks have pulled them pannies back up everytime you bring up “the thing”
But the jump off? Whatever the darkness is that lurks in her past, manifests the second the sheets come off the bed.
How long will it last?
It depends.
If her fire consumes you, you’ll fall for her.
- Professional Accomplishment,
- Big Car,
- Nice House
- FatBank Account….
None of that compares to her.
She takes it all the way.
She wants everything you can throw at her.
She knows the bruises will heal.
She makes you feel like God.
Even though your friends, family, and employees see you as some big important person (though curse you as Satan behind your back) – the jump off has no such expectations.
She just wants the pipe.
And that’s what makes her perfect.
She sees you for who you really are, what you always have been.
The you that fades away day after day in your cubicle, after each mortgage payment, or money for the baby sitter.
That’s what you have to tell yourself, anyway.
Instead, If your fire consumes her, she’ll become that unlisted # you have to explain to the people in your life.
“Damn telemarketers”
*looks over shoulder*
*avoids that one strip center for no particular reason*
*checks to see if coast is clear*
Like every relationship, there has to be communication.
She has to know where she is in the hiearchy.
There is your wife – Michelle Obama
There is your Mistress – Beyonce Knowles (she didn’t marry that guy, she just didn’t)
The Jump Off? – a mid tier, not particularly attractive porn star like say old school Monique/or modern day Skyy Black. Or one of them pink toe jawns that you pretend you don’t like, but secretly have 45 GB’s *cough Annette Schwarz cough*
Just like in business, you must crush all desire that she may have to move up in your world.
At best, she’s a seasonal vendor to your corporation.
She has to remember that evening gown is for Michelle.
But you must also remember that the jump off situation, starts out great, but before you know it, you’re cheating on your wife and mistress.
Not only must the jump off be restrained, but you must tame yourself as well.
In those still moments after you both finish, you have to be careful not to break that fragile bond between you.
You can’t reach for her, nor can you just turn the Blackberry back on and hail a cab. There has to be understanding.
Can you imagine falling for a jump off?
Yes you can.
That’s how you got married in the 1st place.
Some quick tips
0) No affection.
1) Limit your communication.
2) Control where you meet. 3rd party places are great.
3) Reveal only enough of yourself to insure continued access
4) Watch The Wire and get yourself pre-paid cell phone.
5) Use Protection- like a shell corporation or a fake name.
6) Do not do back to back sessions – continued exposure builds false familiarity, which then turns into faux emotional attachment.
Keep in mind the eventual fall out.
Unless she’s goes “vacant” when you do the deed, you’re using a real live person. Remember that empowerment is just short hand for eventual emotional carnage.
At some point she’ll “get religion” and realize she’s worth more.
And say some, “I don’t think we should be doing this”.
This means that you didn’t offer verbally (or non-verbally) enough promises that you knew you would never keep.
But if you had laid out the scenario like Dexter, you should be able to get totally out of the relationship, none the worse for wear.
Wow. WIA. Just wow.
ditto.
4) And I don’t think we need to discuss the Latin American accounts in the Dominican Republic nor Brazil. Which reminds, I do need to send a that Nintendo Wii for lil Plantanito.
i think i just pulled a V.E.G. and had a “lmao. lol” moment. priceless!!
and…
4) Watch The Wire and get yourself pre-paid cell phone.
this makes me think of the song Paper Planes–”hit me on my burner pre-paid wireless”
This is epic, WIA. And again, why I fear for my soul out on the boulevard.
yeah….
Spoken like a true West Indian (and African) man.
Y’all have it too easy, I swear.
Hmmmm… glad to know I wasn’t the ONLY one who thought this sh*t…
*ponders some relatives and their ‘arrangements’*
WIA that was a long mutha fukka to read but worth it.
u gotta manage jumps by managing their rotation. thats vewy vewy important sir. fux what u said or didnt say watch what u do. i usually recommend as a max between events 9 -14 days.
pay right here,
a.k.a. hustle simmons
Is it a bad thing if a female has a jump off?
Not that I have one or anything…[but I'm thinking about it...lol]
They be the main ones that have em.
get you one girl.
I agree. Gone girl.
I imagined PJ adding a snap of the fingers after typing this…
“I imagined PJ adding a snap of the fingers after typing this…”
LMAO……so what you’re saying is that PJ is rather announced that he was having a baby girl? Hmmmmmm
*peeks in*
I’d like to say that VEG needs the Verizon Network, the Council of American Educated Negroes, the Underground Railroad, and the Deacon Board of Faith Tabernacle Baptist Episcopalian Church.
VEG, you know the was not a jumpoff (oiling scalps and going to church and whatnots). Thereby, I need your people at my doorstep by 1pm eastern time. If they do not report, you will be considered “people-less” and thereby deemed moot.
Management
*tip toes out*
lol…she HAS to know that wasn’t a jumpoff. jumpoffs don’t get toofbrushes…
…cuz jumpoffs don’t have teef.
they don’t read either.
I hate you both. lol.
I said nothing about oiling scalps…
but did you ever?? (just curious)
*nods in shame*
We took turns oiling each other’s scalps.
We took turns oiling each other’s scalps.
how would you all decide who would go first?
whoever grabbed the oil first got the first rub.
this sounds kinda tantric..you might wanna go find his @zz …then P-Fiddy can work on the post “how to convert your jumpoff with a little scalp massage and some sulfur 8 dippity doo dah”.
Oiling of the scalp – One of the ways to make someone fall in love with you. True story.
“Oiling of the scalp – One of the ways to make someone fall in love with you. True story.”
P-Fiddy…drop it like its hot on them homekeys.
So Royal Crown Bergamot Pink Oil first is love potion?
@ Alise ..it looks like it might..P-Fiddy need to get crackin on the midas touch in the crown bergamot chakra and shyt..
lmao.LOL yes…..at the same time…
ahhhhhh say it ain’t so, joe! i can see why you have mad stalkers–you give ‘em reasons to wanna wife you up. you’re so loving lol
Oiling scalps… takes it back to the play the other night Gem. LOL!
lmao! yes girl, that’s EXACTLY what i was thinkin when i read that.
i love the fact that we have visitors that know each other in real life and can call on bullsh*t, lol. its our own checks and balances and sh*t
IT WAS A JUMP OFF.
fine. I don’t care if any of you believe me.
*starts to storms off, stops, turns to give evil glare to Luvvie, PJ and Champ, continues with dramatic exit*
IT WAS A JUMP OFF.
fine. I don’t care if any of you believe me.
VEG I heart you.. but uh no that was NOT a jump off.. in fact that was the most UNJumpoff situation I have ever heard of. This was a relationship gone wrong and you have since retitled him as a JO……LMAO
I swear!!!
We were jump-offs (I can’t believe I am trying to convince someone I was in a jump-off situation. Isn’t it usually the other way around? lol)!!!!
When we met and both of us said early on “I am not looking for anything serious.”
We just got along famously. But, about four months in, the mutual jealousy and nonsense kicked in. i.e “Why are you going on dates?” (him) “Do you know her?” (me)
It was a jump off gone wrong…
Girl Scouts honor.
you never like when i (or Ivy) call BS on you. and you BS all the time!
Uh oh.
::giggling::
“you never like when i (or Ivy) call BS on you”
i love it actually. makes me feel loved and sh*t
darn. cuz you feeling loved is not what i was going for.
LMAO. lol.
LMAO and lol huh?? interesting. is it possible to lmao without lol’ing
First I laughed hard as hell..shaking and what not.
Then it downgraded to a loud chuckle, not shaking so much.
LMAO!! Gem you are too much. Always putting Champie poo poo in his place.
I guess I’ve been kind of “lucky” on JO situations. They usually just fade off. No fanfare or breaking-up. They just fall off. I’ll be on some curiuos stuff for about two weeks, like “Hmmm…wonder what happended to Joe Blow”? Oh wel…..easy come, easy go. (yup, two puns intended)
But don’t get me started about FWB. I’ve had one of those off-and-on since 1999. When I’m not in a real relationship it’s on…when he’s not in a real relatioship it’s on, etc.etc.
Sigh. Shudder. Good times.
interesting and sh*t
i agree with no phone calls and keeping it text only… no IM, email, myspace, facebook, none of that…
i think THE most interesting shit is when a male jump off didn’t know that he was a jump off… i had that happen to me and his feelings were hurt as i screamed at him over the phone, “STOP CALLING ME!!! IT WAS JUST ABOUT THE SEX!!! I ONLY WANTED TO BONE!!!” he was so taken back that i felt bad…
oh, that’s another rule, don’t let the jump off make you feel bad that they’re just the jump off…
I don’t really like jump-offs.
I like FWB. We hang out. We have stuff in common. We sleep together. None of our other friends know. Its just a he n me kinda thang.
Cheryl,
I think you are on to something. But how come a FWB doesn’t get upgraded to a boyfriend? (I’m assuming you both would be single in that situation.)
For guys it is pretty simple…if the girl is your friend you probably wanted to ram anyway…so the FWB scenario is just a manifestation of our intentions. Is it different for chicks?
” But how come a FWB doesn’t get upgraded to a boyfriend? ”
Not that I’ve been in any FWB situation, but I’ve HEARD that it’s hard to upgrade to SO status, because you know too much about the other person. If you’re truly friends, then you know if they’re cheaters, how they really feel about their past/present SO’s, basically how they think/act in relationships. You get the real deal, no sugar added information. And you’re probably like we can be friends and phuck, but we are not about to make this a real relationship.
That’s a good point. I think I have been mischaracterizing some of my FWBs as jump-offs but my general rule has always been:
“DON’T F*** WHAT YOU CAN’T WIFE”
In other words…in order for me to sleep with somebody they need to be:
1. Attractive enough to be wifey
2. Personable enough to be wifey
(NOTE: #2 often received less strict adherence)
““DON’T F*** WHAT YOU CAN’T WIFE””
Wouldn’t this lead to a messy situation?
Nah, not in my experience…it just means that you’ve raised the bar on the quality of your FBs.
Pretty much….The FWB may be a great person to canoodle, but they really do hear all the griping and the “real” stuff you don’t always share with SO’s or even BFFs.
Not that I’ve been in any FWB situation, but I’ve HEARD that it’s hard to upgrade to SO status, because you know too much about the other person. If you’re truly friends, then you know if they’re cheaters, how they really feel about their past/present SO’s, basically how they think/act in relationships. You get the real deal, no sugar added information. And you’re probably like we can be friends and phuck, but we are not about to make this a real relationship.
Damn wish I would’ve seen it like that in 2004! Figured since we knew the real nitty gritty it’d be a smooth transition! I guess you really don’t know a person until the condom breaks!
At this current time, my FWB I don’t want to upgrade to SO status because truly, I don’t want to be in a relationship.
Luckily – he feels the same way at this time, so it works out for us.
Not pretty enough
Ok, soI was just sitting here thinking about stupid ish and it occurred to me that the whole jump-off thing could be bad too. Here are some sh*tty jump-off scenarios:
1. your jump-off dumps you because the s*x sucks.
2. your jump-off informs you that, in actuality, YOU are the jump-off.
3. Your significant other down-grades you to jump-off status. Then dates your best-friend.
4. You overhear your mom’s “boyfriend” refer to you’re mom as a jump-off. (ie “Oh, I’m just leaving my jump-off’s house…”
“You overhear your mom’s “boyfriend” refer to you’re mom as a jump-off. (ie “Oh, I’m just leaving my jump-off’s house…”
That would result in a negro gettin cut!
BUAHAAAAAA!!!
this ish is hysterical!
But yeah i would so take a machete to that @ss
GOLDEN RULE
in order to maintain the JO you should NEVER EVER EVER NEVER tell the JO about the verysmartbrothas in your life
EVER!
of course if you adhere to Panda lover Jackson’s rule 3 this will never be an issue
I’m currently taking applications for jump-offs. Requirements, must meet every single qualification described in the comments above.
Please include a headshot, bodyshot, and tailshot with resume.
-kamakula
……………………
You negros are in rare form today…
tailshot ?!!!
BUAAHAAAAAAA!!!
you are a mess, though if I were taking applications,
cum shot would have to be included in the requirements. I joke!
careful, wouldn’t want to put your eye out . . .
many have tried… I doubt your aim is that good
I’ve never had a jumpoff and from the sound of it, I don’t think I want one. However, I have downgrade significant others into bed buddies. It gives me everything I want and time to evaluate my feelings about said arrangement.
has and will never be the jumpoff, it’s not an option