i remember like it was yesterday. it was approximately 3pm on a friday, culminating my hectic first week of college, and i was sitting in my dorm, pensive and determined. i knew my roommate was leaving town for the weekend, leaving me all by my lonesome for the first time since i arrived on campus, and i knew i couldn’t take any longer to finally “christen” my room. i wouldnt feel “home” without it. slowly and and surely, i locked my door, closed my blinds, and laid on my twin bed, conjuring up thoughts of that spicy harlemite i flirted with in the cafe earlier that day while the theme song from “trouble man” played on an endless loop in my head.
i won’t go into too many details of my 240 second blissful solo sex-spree, but as you can imagine, it was a joyous occasion. one of many memorable moments with me, my lefty, and God.
an unabashed “remote control clicker“, today the champ wants to share his love of “percussionisting” with you, and, without further ado, here’s four reasons why the champ loves ***insert word that starts with “m” and rhymes with “pastor nation”***…and why he feels that you should love it too.
1. vagina vetting
no sense of humor.
warped sense of self.
smells exactly how courtney love looks.
these are just a few of the many qualities the champ would consider to be immediate red flags and/or deal breakers, yet each of these pale in comparison to the horror the champ exhibits when encountering a grown-ass woman who proudly states that she “doesn’t ***insert word that starts with “m” and rhymes with “gasmerfate“***”.
usually when making this claim, they’ll happily follow up with some variant of “i mean, why would i do something like that when i can just call someone do to it for me“, a statement which basically advertises…
“hey everyone! guess what?? i have a barren and stupid crotch, and boning me would be like watching paint f*ck, only weirder. i also wear jeans to bed occasionally and i keep a fridge full of dad’s root beer“.
there’s no boringer date and worse lay than a chick who’s scared of her own parts, and nothing says “my vagina intimidates me” more than a woman who refuses to ***insert word that starts with “m” and rhymes with “grassy fate“***. trust me. run like you sell drugs in the school zone.
2. kitten control
kittens, with their big eyes, playful dispositions, adorable whiskers, and furry feet are the bane of human existence, stealth mammal spies sent from the devil to steal all of our belts and murder dave chappelle.
i, for one, won’t stand idly by while we allow these cute-ass beasts of prey to destroy our quality of life, so, through my daily “turkey bastings”, i kill at least one kitten per day. its the least i can do.
3. yup. we’re talking about “practice”
when you buy your ak-47′s, you don’t just start immediately and indiscriminately spraying up your block and harassing co-workers do you?? no. you go to the firing range to practice first. why? because even though your own your gun, you don’t know your gun.
maybe your gun has a light trigger-pull, and it doesn’t take much stimulation to fire. maybe your weapon needs to heat up a bit before it’s able to shoot accurately. maybe you need to practice your aim, cause maybe your gun isn’t as powerful as you thought it was, so your ass better be an expert marksman.
since you want to go through life with the least amount of unknown “maybes” possible, doesn’t it make sense to “practice” as much as possible, sometimes three times a day a bit before (and after) the big game? you can never have too much practice. i love practice. sometimes during a game, i’ll be thinking to myself “self, i can’t wait until i get an opportunity to practice this some more!!!!”
4. the multi-tasking test
lets just say that once you’re able to effectively type one-handed coherent. legible, and intelligent thoughts to a client on your blackberry while popping the pepsi can, there’s nothing left to accomplish as a human being. you’ve reached the pinnacle of humanity. you’ve solved the rubic cube, topped the summit, and passed the ultimate test. seriously, you could perish right at that moment and die a content person.
okay. thats enough for today. i have some, ummm, “weeds” that need hedged before i go to sleep.
yeah, thats it. weeds.
i love gardening
—the champ