Lists, Theory & Essay

The Inventions and Innovations of Women

Some of y'all are writing this note RIGHT NOW.

When Plato said that “necessity is the mother of invention” he inadvertently had three major groups in mind: Black people, hoodrats, and women. While it is possible for one person to be a part of each of those groups simultaneously, I’d like to specifically speak to the last group, thee of the boob.

Hate it or love it, women are the most interesting creatures on the planet. A woman’s ability to run both hot and cold at the exact same time is truly a thing upon which to marvel. Only a woman can do something completely insane and somehow manage to make it another person’s fault for her being in that predicament. So what she murdered that stripper; YOU shouldn’t have been sleeping with her. To woman, the crime is merely a role player in the drama that is her rationality. What she needs from you is understanding. It’s as simple as 1,2,3. Understanding is what she needs.

And that’s not just understanding from men, by the way. That’s from everybody.

Please direct all hate mail to deeznuts@saultnuts.com

All jokes aside, in my travels throughout Womania, I’ve noticed that there are certain inventions that either had to be created by women or concepts that are solely woman-centric. More than likely because men just wouldn’t ever think of them. Woman. Brilliance. Same sh*t.

Here are a few examples of inventions or innovations that are 100 percent woman-centric:

1. Ex-bestfriends

Women actually have these. Men, we have dudes we ain’t as cool with as we used to be. Or dudes we just don’t f*ck with at all. But there’s no title. No declaration. Women on the other hand? EVERY WOMAN HAS AN EX-BEST FRIEND. In fact, I’m fairly certain in Woman School, there’s an entire class dedicated to that day that every woman becomes full bird and has to kick a friend to the curb and denote her as an actual ex-bestfriend. And that’s her actual title in conversations. “My ex-bestfriend, Quilta, and I used make beef patties with processed crab meats. Bawse.” In fact, I’d bet good money that when you meet a woman if you want to know what kind of person she is, all you have to do is say, “so tell me about your ex-bestfriend, I know you have one.” After she gets pissy at you for making assumptions, she’ll likely talk to you for a solid 20 minutes about this friend that is no longer. Because at the end of the day…that “b*tch” was trippin.

2. The Mute function on Twitter

Passive aggression, thy name is women. I remember the first time I saw the mute button on Twitter. I had no idea what it mean or what it was for until I asked a homegirl of mine who explained it to me. So wait, you don’t want to hear about your homegirls good times or she’s trippin so f*ck her, but you also don’t want to unfollow her because then she’ll know if she ever brings up your profile, so you just mute her timeline until you’re ready to actively be apart of her life again? Unfollow is bad luck. Smart folks mute back. Must have been a woman that started all that.

3. The inconvenience phone call

People say that  you should beware of a scorned woman. Poppycock. You know that some bad sh*t is going down if you scorn a woman. You can’t beware something that you can’t stop in the first place. You can only hope she has something to lose so she stops short of a felony. However, let your woman RANDOMLY feel inconvenienced by ANYTHING and dude, you’re getting a phone call. She feels inconvenienced so she has to inconvenience somebody else. Or LET him know how much she’s being inconvenienced by either his lack of presence or lack of compassion to know she’s being inconvenienced and not call and console and apologize for something that isn’t his fault. Basically, women are the worst sports on the planet. I remember one day I was listening to Hot 99.5’s Kane Show in the morning. The morning host, Kane’s wife called up the station pissed. She was at home with their two kids who were screaming in the background. So what did she do? Call him to let him know that she was having a bad day because he needed to know. Almost in a sort of, you’re out having fun and here I am doing the hard work. You know how if there’s a way that race can be a reason something happend, its a likely culprit? Well, I think for women, inconvenience is their beef 99 percent of the time. Hmm…which leads to another type of invention…

4. The f*ck-up-your-fun call

Every man is familiar with the rampant “you don’t care about me” phone calls during that one night a month he goes out with his boys. It’s like the second you go do something you had to seek permission for, the texts start. “When are you coming home?” Or the phone calls start. “You didn’t put the dishes up”. Which leads to man’s most important invention of all time…the Loud-Arse-Universal-Hush-and-Fun-Diversion-Tactic-That-Works-25%-Of-The-Time. Or LAUHFDTTW25OTT for short. A man see’s that his girl keeps calling he knows he has to answer so he hushes his boys (and strippers) the f*ck up so it doesn’t sound like’s having fun. Which never actually works because well, women aren’t stupid. And plus, fun or no fun, when she makes that call, its going down. Joc.

Good people of VSB, those are just a couple of women’s inventions. What are other fine innovations and inventions that women have created? Make Plato proud. And to be fair, ladies, what are completely male-centric inventions and innovations?

-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka MR. MAKE IT RAIN aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3

Check out Panama’s recap of Braxton Family Values episode 3 and latest blog post about women’s obsession with engagement rings and trapping men over on Guyspeak. Peep game shawty.

For the DC VSBers: Come out to the latest edition of REMINISCE (Facebook event link), the 90s party,  brought to you by Very Smart Brothas x Shine On Me x Just Cause Productions. This month’s party will feature a special tribute to Heavy D and a focus on Uptown Records (Waterbed Heav’s recording home). That means Mary and Guy and Father MC, etc. That means a good time. Get yo’ azz on out to Liv Nightclub on Saturday, 12/3. Free before 11, free drank before 11, and no dress code. And Champ will be in the building too. Sadatay. And invite all of your friends. Let’s make it a night to remember.

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Panama Jackson

Panama Jackson is pretty fly for a light guy. He used to ship his frito to Tito in the District, but shipping prices increased so he moved there to save money. When he's not saving humanity with his words or making music with his mouth, you can find him at your mama's mama's house drinking her fine liquors. Most importantly, he believes the children are our future.

Previously

Generalize This.

  • Jessica

    Wait, what? First time hearing about this “mute” function on Twitter lol.

  • Jay

    How about the sex “rain check”.
    When shes like not tonight babe. I’m soooo tired. How about a rain check.
    Oh a rain check. Nah thats cool. Because I need documentation to have sex with my effing girlfriend. As if next time that we do get it on it will be because and only because she had issued said rain check.
    What are you guys the federal reserve of p***y? Printing these rain checks out of thin air? That’s how inflation happens. I say we go back to the gold standard of a**

  • Malik

    There’s a mute function on Twitter?!

  • LA2DC & hating it

    Mute!!!???…hmm checking this out now (please standby for a relevant comment)

  • LA2DC & hating it

    Back now…couldn’t find mute button…oh well.

    I will confess to having an ex-best friend, circumstances include showing her amateur sex tape during my 21st Birthday party and attempting/agreeing (point of contention) to sleep with my ex during Grad night…(sigh) the only friend I ever had to chuck deuces to.

  • carolinagirl27

    Ok so I had an ex-best friend and that b*tch was trippin!!!

    She was my best friend in high school but she convinced me to break up with this guy because she said he really wasn’t into me(stuff like “girl he won’t sit with you in the cafe!”). So we break up and she continues to see her boo thang, but she soon wound up pregnant. Well, come to find out after I started talking to the ex again that they were bumping uglies! So I told the supposed daddy that baby probably wasn’t his because she had been sleeping with other guys(This is trifilin I know, but I was 17, I know better know ;)). Well, it was big confrontation in the cafeteria but there was no fight.

    I still don’t know who the daddy is…we’re friends on Facebook(I know, I know) and I secretly get a little happy when I see that she has four kids by four different guys and works as a waitress at Chilis. (Triflin again..I know…don’t judge me)LOL…but yea the article is spot on!

  • Mel – The Bone Collector

    Certain apps like UberSocial and Tweedeck allow you to mute and filter out people. I’m don’t believe regular Twitter.com has those options.

  • http://thesunk.com The Hallway

    This is how you know most of the people that read VSB is old, because all the comments above and under me asking about the “MUTE” function. Ol people ya’ll real cute.

    1. Even though Jay-Z said it I’m sure women came up with the “30 is the new 40″ slogan. However, my favorite meal will always be MILF and Cookies.

    2. The “Button at the Stoplight That People Press to Cross”, men came up with this for women because you MFr’s are so d@mn impatient. Everybody knows that those button are placebos and don’t really work.

    3. The new thing on facebook, with all the activity in the column to the right…It shows you everyone’s activity “LIKES, COMMENTS” even when there offline. It even lets you see people “whom you’re not friends with” pictures. 24/7 Passive Surveillance for the chick that is sorta over you, but you never deleted.

    4. The Return for Store Credit…Women created this so when they spent their husband’s/father’s money, if he wanted them to take it back they could just say “well, you can only exchange it for store credit.”
    -B. Or Men, Because women like to wear clothes and take them back.

    5. The (Read/Unread) function on the Blackberry, come on no man would create the ability for the sender to see if the receiver read the text that was sent. Bullsh!t

  • http://iamyourpeople.com/ I Am Your People

    * I’m pretty sure women invented GPS. A tool to easily find where you’re going and totally not used to stalk your ex?

    *I used to joke that the signatures function in Outlook was invented by a woman, because men don’t care that much, but women like that sort of thing. I found out a couple weeks ago that – surprise – a female programmer did pull that function out of her azz a few days before Outlook was supposed to ship

    * The real-life Jedi mind trick. Can be used in sooo many ways, even on other women. Jackie Christie and Draya, I’m talking to you

  • KneeCee

    This mute function…. where do I sign up?

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