“Twitter is the Devil”
“You heard me. Twitter is the Devil. Nothing but ratchetness and evil happens there.”
“So basically, Twitter is exactly like your bedroom?”
“How can one man be so damn corny?”
“Lots of practice. Anyway, if Twitter is the Devil, who’s the Anti-Christ?”
“Not sure. But I think it might be Lil Duval”
Although I do start to notice a slight tinge of sulfur whenever I see that an excessively hood hashtag — ie: #thingscarjackerssay — has become a trending topic, I didn’t walk away from that conversation convinced that Twitter was indeed the Prince of Darkness. Craigslist, maybe, but definitely not Twitter.
Anyway, while our old friend Lucifer probably hasn’t decided to come back to Earth in the form of a social networking and microblogging service, there are quite a few things in my life that just might actually be the Devil, including…
1. My backdoor screen door
For whatever reason, this door refuses to close all the way. I’ve tightened and loosened screws, removed pieces, and even took the door completely off and reattached it, but it still refuses to close completely, leaving a gap that’s big enough for any opportunistic mouse, midget crackhead, or evil spirit to sneak through.
2. My neighbor
Along with possibly being the Devil, my next-door neighbor is the reason why white Americans will never understand what it means to be black.
Why? Well, this neighbor is one of those assholes who goes out of his way not to make eye contact just so he doesn’t have to exchange pleasantries. Like, if we both happen to be walking to our cars at the same time this dude will literally look up at the sky for 15 seconds and fumble his keys for another 15 seconds just so he isn’t forced to say “Hi.”
Now, I assumed he was just a racist with a shitty sports car who was uncomfortable around black people, until I saw him do the exact same thing to a few of my white neighbors, an act that downgraded him from racist asshole to just plain asshole.
Anyway, the “Is he acting this way because I’m black?” question is a question that (I’m assuming) white people never have to consider, and the fact that his asshole ass forced me to have a much too deep internal discussion about race relations at 7:30 in the morning is proof that he might be the Devil.
3. Cookies and Cream milkshakes
I’m currently attempting to lose weight — I’m 215 and I’d like to get down to 205 — and I’m lactose-intolerant. Since this is true, it probably isn’t the best idea to purchase and devour a 1,600 calorie cookies and cream milkshake at least twice a week. In fact, short of just eating an entire cow, there may not be a more efficient way to sabotage myself. But, here am I, writing this entry while happily sipping on my recent Coldstone purchase. And farting.
When finished, I wouldn’t be surprised if I saw the Devil at the bottom of my straw, teasing me and telling me to “Sip on deez.”
4. Smittens, my girlfriend’s new cat
Only the Devil would be audacious enough to jump in your lap an hour after he took a NFL linebacker-sized shit on your new leather couch, and only the Devil would know exactly how to get back in your good graces by killing a mouse in your basement a day later.
5. My VSB t-shirts
As indestructible, versatile, and contagious as they are predictable and (slightly) pathetic, my rotating army of VSB t-shirts — four black short sleeved tees with the original logo, two black sleeveless shirts with the original logo, a red one with “Very Smart Brothas” in cursive, a gray shirt with Very Smart Brothas in block letters, and two black shirts with the new logo — have been my de facto club attire for the last year and a half; rocked by themselves or with blazers, leather jackets, button downs and (once on a dare) a sweater vest.
But, what was once a tongue-in-cheek advertisement has slowly become a crutch. It’s to the point now that, if I’m at a nightclub, people I know will come to me and ask “Where’s the shirt?” Only the Devil can pull off this level of subterfuge, so, in order to combat it, I’ve put a couple drops of holy water in my cologne just so I’m protected whenever I go out.
6. Lebron James
According to Verbal Kent, the greatest trick the Devil ever pulled was convincing the world that he didn’t exist. Sounds eerily similar to Lebron against the Mavs. Makes even more sense when you realize that Dirk just might be the German Jesus.¹
7. The relationship queries I (well, we) occasionally get
Although the questions I’ve received at Madame Noire so far haven’t been too bad, I really am starting to believe that the Devil himself is the only one who’d have the sense of humor to send us an email like this:
“My man is serving 15 years for rape. Well, it wasn’t a human he slept with, so I can’t really call it rape. The courts said otherwise, though. I mean, who the hell cares about a bunch of cows, anyway? So, my question to you Very Smart Brotha is do you think I should wait for him? He’s a really good guy with a great heart and a big basement, and I’d hate to throw that all way just because he has a great relationship with his livestock”
Anyway, people of VSB.com, we all know the Devil is here somewhere. Can you think of any other people, places, or things that he just might be?
¹I still like the Heat in seven, btw
If you get a minute, please vote for the homie Sista T and her boyfriend David in the McDonald’s perfect pair contest so they can win the prize money and give us a cut of it.
Also, don’t forget your VSB duty to help keep Panama off the block and The Champ on the wagon and buy “YourDegrees Wont Keep You Warm at Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime”