Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Lists, Theory & Essay

the goggles (extended)

***in june, the champ blessed the people of vsb.com with his in-depth look at the opposite sex altering goggles, the deadly accessory known to turn demons to dimes and a-holes to adonises. today, the champ has decided to add a couple more goggles to your lexicons, doing his best to help people and fight crime. enjoy and sh*t***

BEER GOGGLES

the phrase that started it all, it describes the phenomenon that occurs when you’re drunk and horny and every scalawag you noticed at the bar when you were sober all of a sudden becomes your own personal dulcinea, waiting to be plucked away and placed on your quixoteesque steed. their attractiveness also goes up exponentially in direct correlation with the amount of time left before the bar or club closes, and the amount of “success” you had that night. in equation form,

V (number of drinks you’ve had that night)

divided by

X (number of hours left before the bar closes) * Y (number of phone number’s you’ve received that night) +1

equals

Z (the thickness of the goggles)

going by this formula, if you’ve had 5 drinks, and there was 1 hour left before closing, and you had only received 1 phone number so far that night, your goggle thickness would be 2.5, a high level, but still a bit under the dangerous 4. people at 4 and above are at the point to where they’ll approach and take/go home with people who they probably wouldn’t even sit next to on a bus if they were sober. this is where people hump and give lapdances to empty barstools

the effect of Beer Goggles also depends greatly on your friends, or, more specifically, which type of friends they are. in this case, they come in three categories

A) good wingmen and women who’ll see that you’re wearing thick Beer Goggles, and will do everything in their power to thwart you and your drunken advances

B) good wingmen and women who’ll see that you’re wearing thick Beer Goggles, and will do everything in their power to encourage you, knowing that it will make for a spectacular future story, as well as potential leverage. (“okay man. You win. I’ll let you borrow the flatscreen for the fight as long as you don’t tell anybody about last saturday night”)

C) they’re too drunk themselves to even notice

Beer Goggle plusses: other than the possibility of easy sex with a possible vagrant…none. unless, of course, you love being the butt of jokes and making frequent trips to the free clinic

Beer Goggle minuses: pretty much every worst-case sexual scenario you can imagine becomes a possibility.

Verdict:
basically, if you’re caught wearing these repeatedly… you need to either stop drinking, or find some better friends.

INTERNET GOGGLES

those who have had the misfourtune of wearing these know that they’re probably the most potent form of goggle yet. an uber goggle. an anthrax goggle. it occurs when you’ve been corresponding through blogs, email, chat, or Instant Messenger with someone you’ve never met in person. sometimes these conversations can last hours into the night, creating this tired haze, which gives you unusual stamina as well as unusual freedom with the tongue and spirit. the tiredness, combined with the lateness and the fact that you’re probably wearing your bed clothes, gives the conversation a certain erotic nature, which sometimes eventually leads to caught feelings, phone sex, and, in extreme cases, proclamations of love

Instant Messenger/Email/Chat Goggle Plusses
: there’s a chance that these are real feelings and not the product of a goggle induced tired proclamation and/or act. you could be kindred spirits, soulmates separated by a monitor and hundreds of miles, but…

Instant Messenger/Email/Chat Goggle Minuses:…more than likely, you just need to take your horny ass to bed. being tired can be as much as an intoxicant as jack daniels, and being up late vibing with a like-minded member of the opposite sex can be as much as an aphrodisiac as eringoes or Halle Berry. plus, you don’t want to run the risk of saying or doing something inappropriate and basically ruining a decent friendship

Verdict: again, being tired can be just as bad as being drunk. and, again, if you feel like the goggles are getting pretty thick, then its probably time to take your ass to bed. If these feelings and inclinations are real, they’ll be just as real at 2pm the next day. plus, phone sex is just that…phone sex. i’ve heard that there’s no worse feeling than doing the post-coitus clean-up by yourself, while subsequently hoping that the person on the other end isn’t streaming all of this live on their audioblog.

am i missing any? people of vsb, what goggles should be added to the list?

—the champ

Filed Under:
Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

    ah, the goggles….i think this new T-Pain/Luda song is the beer goggles anthem

    • RedBeanzNRice

      @shatani,

      *singin* If I take one mo drink…lol

      • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

        @RedBeanzNRice,

        i love it!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @shatani,

      i should sue him for creative copyright infringement.

      or not.

  • http://singlesistersspeakout.wordpress.com Jac

    Chopped and Screwed…Screwed…yep makes sense to me.

    I don’t know if I suffer from them often. If you were my big brother before five pm then chances are at five am it’s the same thing.

    • http://adopefiend.blogspot.com Dope fiend

      @Jac, yup! me too, i am immune to beer googles!!!!

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @Dope fiend,

        @Jac, yup! me too, i am immune to beer googles!!!!

        ***inserting more people***

  • Leila

    Lately for me, I’ve had work goggles. I’m an IT consultant and work around the clock, so my job is sadly my 2nd home. I’m surrounded by the typical IT geeks, so even an average looking guy gets attractive points. I had a thing for this one guy who I thought was hot, until I saw him at a party a few weeks ago and the second we stepped out of work, he didn’t look as attractive anymore lol.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Leila,

      lol…does your office have bad lighting or something?

      • Leila

        @The Champ, haha. I’m using that excuse from now on.

    • Jeandra

      @Leila,

      work goggles are tricky. you spend so much time with a person, and as long as you aren’t backstabbing each over email via a handy cc to the boss here and there, you become pretty cool and pretty close.

      • Leila

        @Jeandra, You really do. I spend more time with my co-workers than anyone else. Plus, working long hours under very stressful conditions has formed a strong bond with me & my co-workers.

        • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

          @Leila,

          especially true when youre united in opposition of, say, a crazyass boss or something.

      • docdj23

        @Jeandra, I agree with you, work goggles is the real deal. I work 3rd shift in a lab at a very busy hospital and at about 3am all the not so small nurses be lookin like like dimes. Lucky for me I go by the G-code of No nooky at work or from work releated individuals.

    • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Ms. Sula actually working today…go figure!

      @Leila,

      Oh, I def know what you mean.

      But geeks can be cute. :)

      • Jeandra

        @Ms. Sula actually working today…go figure!,

        Geeks are the freaks. have we learned nothing from revenge of the nerds.

    • http://clubshiznit.blogspot.com/ Mme. Editor-in-Chief

      @Leila,

      I almost had work goggles before. Almost!!! Thank goodness for the Lord stepping in and wiping the cataracts out of my eyes and blessing me with reality goggles.

      • Jeandra

        @Mme. Editor-in-Chief,

        you sure it wasn’t the mary jane wiping out the cataracts, i mean contacts.

  • http://www.myspace.com/circa1908 Intellectual Hedonist

    How about the final exams goggles. Both as a student and educator.

    As and educator, I been surrounded by grading papers and projects for the past week, I haven’t gone out or really spoken to anybody at legth except the person that delivers my food (thanks mom), so the first male I see will definitely benefit from the final exam goggles even if its just extra unwanted attention

    As a student, if you do not have someone you are givin the business to on a regular basis then you may be stressed out with all the work deadlines, exams, and projects that you may give the business to the most unfortunate looking fella/miss ever (I have seen it with my students)

    • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

      @Intellectual Hedonist,

      been there, done that, bought the t-shirt and souvenir shot glass

      • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

        @blackberry molasses,

        and ya’ll know the library be havin some mood ligthing! they do that ish on purpose!

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @shatani,

          and ya’ll know the library be havin some mood ligthing! they do that ish on purpose!

          vsb.com: where nerds who think libraries are aphrodisiacs unite

        • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

          @shatani,

          shew… if the stacks in in Uris, Olin and the Law Libraries could talk… especially if one of my study group members got his “big brain” on and explained some kind of elusive theorem… hayle, he might have caught some big brain just on intellectual gymnastics.

          yeah, i was on that ‘brainy/nerdy girl hosh*t’ in undergrad

          • Gem of the San DiegOcean

            hayle, he might have caught some big brain just on intellectual gymnastics.

            lmao i love it!!

        • http://nianaturally.blogspot.com N.I.A. isbeginningtolookalotlikechristmas….

          @shatani, and ya’ll know the library be havin some mood ligthing! they do that ish on purpose!

          and the lighting is at its worst either in the basement or up in the stacks…prime locations for a little “study break”

        • Jeandra

          @shatani,

          i’ve been traumatized and intrigued by things i’ve seen going on in a library study room before.

    • http://www.threewaystotakeit.com Slim Jackson

      @Intellectual Hedonist, this goes hand in hand with the senior week/before graduation goggles, where all the rules from the last 4 years go out the window and you go after everybody because you know you won’t see them again.

      • http://nianaturally.blogspot.com N.I.A. isbeginningtolookalotlikechristmas….

        @Slim Jackson,
        been there, done that…what happens during Senior week stays at senior week. smh….

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @Slim Jackson,

        senior week/before graduation goggles, where all the rules from the last 4 years go out the window and you go after everybody because you know you won’t see them again.

        man, these goggles are a beast. lets just say that i’m glad youtube wasn’t around in 2001.

      • the P the E the Y the S the O, its PEYSO!!!

        @Slim Jackson, listen. These are the best goggles known to man

    • http://nianaturally.blogspot.com N.I.A. isbeginningtolookalotlikechristmas….

      @Intellectual Hedonist,
      This is also related to the Homecoming tailgate goggles. Meat grilling and alcohol flowing, and it’s been 2 years since you’ve seen some of your classmates can all possibly cause you to throw about half of your standards out the window (well, he is an old friend, and his gf isn’t here). smh….

      • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

        @N.I.A. isbeginningtolookalotlikechristmas….,

        does that also go hand-in-hand with the 10 year highschool reunion goggles??

        you catch up with that guy or girl you had the huge crush on in school, only now youre makin money and lookin fly and you just GOTTA try and see if you can get him/her. drinks are flowing, everyone’s catchin up, youre layin down your mack…

        so, you end up sucking face in the corner of the gymnasium and mad folks have pictures! oh, and best believe they will be going up on the facebooks!

        • http://nianaturally.blogspot.com N.I.A. isbeginningtolookalotlikechristmas….

          @shatani,

          yep….your comment and my comment are definitely related…cousins, I think.

    • Wood

      @Intellectual Hedonist,

      OMG! I’ve have had the final exam screw. Man but there were no minuses. It was all relief.

      • http://www.myspace.com/circa1908 Intellectual Hedonist

        @Wood, I hear ya

  • http://naturallyalise.blogspot.com Relax, Relate, Alise

    Celibacy Goggles… when you having a drought 6′s become 9′s, especially if you forget to pick up batteries a few days in a row….. :)

    • Gem of the San DiegOcean

      thankfully, i have never fallen pray to celibacy goggles and “giving the business” to unfortunate looking ppl….

      now i’ll let em take me out to lunch/dinner, but the draws stay up and on tight.

      • charli skipper

        @Gem of the San DiegOcean,
        “now i’ll let em take me out to lunch/dinner, but the draws stay up and on tight.”

        see, with me, they stay up and tight, but i’ll be more likely to become smitten with the guy. I’ll be all, “oh he’s so sweet. he didn’t even try anything. and it’s been so long…………..i love him.” lol

        • Gem of the San DiegOcean

          lmao!!!! girl i get nothin but crazies. i quickly learn (sometime between putting in an order and receiving the food) they are a waste of good convo and too lame to even get a sniff. so yeah, i let em keep it movin lol

        • http://www.singlesisterspeak.wordpress.com Nicki Sunshine

          @charli skipper, ““oh he’s so sweet. he didn’t even try anything. and it’s been so long…………..i love him.” lol”

          U too? LMAO

          • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

            @Nicki Sunshine,

            that line was crackin me up!! i wouldnt say im celibate, but im certainly in a self-imposed drought and i find myself “falling in love” on the daily! lol

            • http://www.singlesisterspeak.wordpress.com Nicki Sunshine

              @shatani, Girl, I’m celibate… and I was just dating this guy for three weeks and thought he was a great catch… I cooked him dinner yesterday and he did A LOT to me… including grinding on me like pretty ricky, using my mouthwash, and leaving to take another chick to the movies! I’m dead serious.

              Out of love now. LMAO.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @Gem of the San DiegOcean,

        but the draws stay up and on tight.

        so no loose draws for you?

        • Gem of the San DiegOcean

          thats nunya biznass.

          • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

            @Gem of the San DiegOcean,

            you tell him, gemmie!

            All up in the business of yo draws like he knows sumthin

    • charli skipper

      @Relax, Relate, Alise,

      co to the micky-fricky sign.

      • Gem of the San DiegOcean

        NOT micky fricky!! lol

        • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

          @Gem of the San DiegOcean,
          What in the fraganackle bull is going on did that Mother Father say mickey frickey?! lol I like faux swearing.

          • Gem of the San DiegOcean

            lol… fraganackle reminds me of fraggle rock. that was my joint back in the day.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Relax, Relate, Alise,

      celibacy goggles are a close first cousin of drought goggles.

    • http://www.threewaystotakeit.com Slim Jackson

      @Relax, Relate, Alise,

      “Celibacy Goggles… when you having a drought 6’s become 9’s, especially if you forget to pick up batteries a few days in a row…..”

      Why don’t you just put the 6 and 9 together and both parties will be happy and you can still say you haven’t had any pumpington.

    • docdj23

      @Relax, Relate, Alise, I dont know about the batteries (LMBAO) but I can vouch for celibacy goggles…I have come off of droughts and called up some chicks I swore off at least ten times for very legit reasons…

  • http://liffy.blogspot.com Luvvie

    The Anti-Goggles (also the side-eye goggles) – This is what happens when you quit dudes and a good one comes along but ur perpetual side-eye is unable to take him seriously.

    This can also be referred to as baggage goggles, trust issues goggles, bitter goggles…

    • Gem of the San DiegOcean

      once again, thankfully, i have not been victim of anti-/baggage/bitter goggles. last time i came across a good, sturdy, strong, fine man i roopieced him up.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Luvvie,

      “This can also be referred to as baggage goggles, trust issues goggles, bitter goggles…”

      which, if theyre not discarded, will eventually become the middle-aged cat lady cobwebs.

  • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

    ive seen people fall prey to social goggles….where you see this person who is just a social butterfly and everyone wants to be around them and the person gets caught up in that whirlwind only to find out that this person is actually a douchebag when you really get to know them.

    • charli skipper

      @shatani, um…this was me through grades 8-12 and portions of college.

  • http://kamakula.wordpress.com kamakula

    What I’ve learned is that people should be careful when on the phone with Champ.

    • http://www.myspace.com/circa1908 Intellectual Hedonist

      @kamakula, did he make a pass at you too?

  • the advocate

    there’s always the Rose-Colored Glasses – uh, Goggles – that we find ourselves in from time to time…those which prevent us from reading clear signs of infidelity, deceit, (insert noun of your choice). typically, potent in love, like, new relationships, old relationships and various other locales on the spectrum.

    • the P the E the Y the S the O, its PEYSO!!!

      @the advocate,
      Sometime ppl are straight up wearing eye patches. They are completely blind

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @the advocate,

      would these qualify as a goggle, though? the goggles make someone more attractive. what you’re talking about makes someone ignore unattractive qualities. its like comparing a simile to a metaphor, you…wait, lol. nevermind. what the f*ck am i talking about? carry on

      • the advocate

        @The Champ,

        if u’re ignoring the unattractive qualities then your SO still appears attractive. i see your point…it’s a fine line.

  • RedBeanzNRice

    Wow. This post is cute, funny, and apropos since I’m going to the club tonite.

    Today is me birfday!

    And tonight (23rd) my plan is to wreak havoc, cause calamity and make as much mischief as is humanly possible within a 24 hr. time frame.

    And why not – I’m turning 21 for the umpteenth time, dammit! So, this is my last post for the day.

    I hope that all of you, my newfound friends here at vsb.com, have the most wonderful day ever! Take care, and see ya soon!

    PS. Happy Birthday also to Lil’T’s mama! Girl you better get her something good this year, lol.

    • Gem of the San DiegOcean

      awww you also share a born day with my little cousin.

      HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! have a blessed one.

    • Leila

      @RedBeanzNRice, Happy Birthday!

    • overit

      @RedBeanzNRice, Happy Bday!!!!!

      • postmodern pwnage

        @RedBeanz, Happy bday! ahh to be young-how glorious..

    • Princess Duvet

      Dearest Coffee Bean,

      happy birthday…

    • http://nianaturally.blogspot.com N.I.A. isbeginningtolookalotlikechristmas….

      @RedBeanzNRice,
      My mom’s birthday is today, too!!! Happy birthday!!!

    • http://www.singlesisterspeak.wordpress.com Nicki Sunshine

      @RedBeanzNRice, Happy Birthday. ;)

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=73903598 Dom

      @RedBeanzNRice,

      Happy 21st ; ) Birthday!

    • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

      @RedBeanzNRice,

      Happy Born Day

    • http://insidethemindofadeviant.wordpress.com Deviant

      @RedBeanzNRice,

      Congratulations on not being aborted!

      • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com/ blackberry molasses

        @Deviant,

        **hands you the keys to your private jet to the HOT PLACE**

        • Lil’T

          @blackberry molasses,

          Girl, he don’t need no keys. He gets shoved in the back of the squad car and delivered personally to the debbil.

      • Gem of the San DiegOcean

        LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!! effing hilarious. i love this becuz this past july i told my mom on my birthday “thanks for not aborting me and giving me the gift of life!!”

      • the advocate

        @Deviant,

        …wowwww.

    • the P the E the Y the S the O, its PEYSO!!!

      @RedBeanzNRice, HAPPEE BERFDEIGH

    • IVR

      @RedBeanzNRice, Happy Birthday!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @RedBeanzNRice,

      happy birthday and sh*t. i hope that your birthday is a very masculine birthday

    • http://www.myspace.com/wudaman19 WuDaMan

      Happy birthday RedBeanz

    • Lil’T

      @RedBeanzNRice,

      OMG, you have the best memory EVER!! I just spoke to my mom earlier and her b/f was serving her breakfast out in Cali. But I got her good gifts for the b-day and Christmas. Must be nice…

      Anywho…have a great b-day, play many drinking games and do something foolish (but safe)!

      Forever 21!!!!

    • http://www.myspace.com/circa1908 Intellectual Hedonist

      @RedBeanzNRice, Happy Birthday To Ya, Happy Bithday to Ya, Haaappy Birthday,

      **chair dancing in your honor**

      • RedBeanzNRice

        Thank you so much, friends (even you Deviant, lol) for the warm wishes and the chair dancing! : ) Had to pop in for a second before the tyrades begin, lol.

        Happy birthday also to Gemmie’s lil cousin, and NIA’s mama!

        Hope I won’t be too hungover tomorrow, lol. See you all soon, and have a vanglorious day!

    • http://www.museacdonline.com pgh muse

      @RedBeanzNRice,

      Happy Birthday! Enjoy!