***in june, the champ blessed the people of vsb.com with his in-depth look at the opposite sex altering goggles, the deadly accessory known to turn demons to dimes and a-holes to adonises. today, the champ has decided to add a couple more goggles to your lexicons, doing his best to help people and fight crime. enjoy and sh*t***
BEER GOGGLES
the phrase that started it all, it describes the phenomenon that occurs when you’re drunk and horny and every scalawag you noticed at the bar when you were sober all of a sudden becomes your own personal dulcinea, waiting to be plucked away and placed on your quixoteesque steed. their attractiveness also goes up exponentially in direct correlation with the amount of time left before the bar or club closes, and the amount of “success” you had that night. in equation form,
V (number of drinks you’ve had that night)
divided by
X (number of hours left before the bar closes) * Y (number of phone number’s you’ve received that night) +1
equals
Z (the thickness of the goggles)
going by this formula, if you’ve had 5 drinks, and there was 1 hour left before closing, and you had only received 1 phone number so far that night, your goggle thickness would be 2.5, a high level, but still a bit under the dangerous 4. people at 4 and above are at the point to where they’ll approach and take/go home with people who they probably wouldn’t even sit next to on a bus if they were sober. this is where people hump and give lapdances to empty barstools
the effect of Beer Goggles also depends greatly on your friends, or, more specifically, which type of friends they are. in this case, they come in three categories
A) good wingmen and women who’ll see that you’re wearing thick Beer Goggles, and will do everything in their power to thwart you and your drunken advances
B) good wingmen and women who’ll see that you’re wearing thick Beer Goggles, and will do everything in their power to encourage you, knowing that it will make for a spectacular future story, as well as potential leverage. (“okay man. You win. I’ll let you borrow the flatscreen for the fight as long as you don’t tell anybody about last saturday night”)
C) they’re too drunk themselves to even notice
Beer Goggle plusses: other than the possibility of easy sex with a possible vagrant…none. unless, of course, you love being the butt of jokes and making frequent trips to the free clinic
Beer Goggle minuses: pretty much every worst-case sexual scenario you can imagine becomes a possibility.
Verdict: basically, if you’re caught wearing these repeatedly… you need to either stop drinking, or find some better friends.
INTERNET GOGGLES
those who have had the misfourtune of wearing these know that they’re probably the most potent form of goggle yet. an uber goggle. an anthrax goggle. it occurs when you’ve been corresponding through blogs, email, chat, or Instant Messenger with someone you’ve never met in person. sometimes these conversations can last hours into the night, creating this tired haze, which gives you unusual stamina as well as unusual freedom with the tongue and spirit. the tiredness, combined with the lateness and the fact that you’re probably wearing your bed clothes, gives the conversation a certain erotic nature, which sometimes eventually leads to caught feelings, phone sex, and, in extreme cases, proclamations of love
Instant Messenger/Email/Chat Goggle Plusses: there’s a chance that these are real feelings and not the product of a goggle induced tired proclamation and/or act. you could be kindred spirits, soulmates separated by a monitor and hundreds of miles, but…
Instant Messenger/Email/Chat Goggle Minuses:…more than likely, you just need to take your horny ass to bed. being tired can be as much as an intoxicant as jack daniels, and being up late vibing with a like-minded member of the opposite sex can be as much as an aphrodisiac as eringoes or Halle Berry. plus, you don’t want to run the risk of saying or doing something inappropriate and basically ruining a decent friendship
Verdict: again, being tired can be just as bad as being drunk. and, again, if you feel like the goggles are getting pretty thick, then its probably time to take your ass to bed. If these feelings and inclinations are real, they’ll be just as real at 2pm the next day. plus, phone sex is just that…phone sex. i’ve heard that there’s no worse feeling than doing the post-coitus clean-up by yourself, while subsequently hoping that the person on the other end isn’t streaming all of this live on their audioblog.
am i missing any? people of vsb, what goggles should be added to the list?
—the champ
ah, the goggles….i think this new T-Pain/Luda song is the beer goggles anthem
@shatani,
*singin* If I take one mo drink…lol
@RedBeanzNRice,
i love it!
@shatani,
i should sue him for creative copyright infringement.
or not.
Chopped and Screwed…Screwed…yep makes sense to me.
I don’t know if I suffer from them often. If you were my big brother before five pm then chances are at five am it’s the same thing.
@Jac, yup! me too, i am immune to beer googles!!!!
@Dope fiend,
@Jac, yup! me too, i am immune to beer googles!!!!
***inserting more people***
Lately for me, I’ve had work goggles. I’m an IT consultant and work around the clock, so my job is sadly my 2nd home. I’m surrounded by the typical IT geeks, so even an average looking guy gets attractive points. I had a thing for this one guy who I thought was hot, until I saw him at a party a few weeks ago and the second we stepped out of work, he didn’t look as attractive anymore lol.
@Leila,
lol…does your office have bad lighting or something?
@The Champ, haha. I’m using that excuse from now on.
@Leila,
work goggles are tricky. you spend so much time with a person, and as long as you aren’t backstabbing each over email via a handy cc to the boss here and there, you become pretty cool and pretty close.
@Jeandra, You really do. I spend more time with my co-workers than anyone else. Plus, working long hours under very stressful conditions has formed a strong bond with me & my co-workers.
@Leila,
especially true when youre united in opposition of, say, a crazyass boss or something.
@Jeandra, I agree with you, work goggles is the real deal. I work 3rd shift in a lab at a very busy hospital and at about 3am all the not so small nurses be lookin like like dimes. Lucky for me I go by the G-code of No nooky at work or from work releated individuals.
@Leila,
Oh, I def know what you mean.
But geeks can be cute.
@Ms. Sula actually working today…go figure!,
Geeks are the freaks. have we learned nothing from revenge of the nerds.
@Leila,
I almost had work goggles before. Almost!!! Thank goodness for the Lord stepping in and wiping the cataracts out of my eyes and blessing me with reality goggles.
@Mme. Editor-in-Chief,
you sure it wasn’t the mary jane wiping out the cataracts, i mean contacts.
How about the final exams goggles. Both as a student and educator.
As and educator, I been surrounded by grading papers and projects for the past week, I haven’t gone out or really spoken to anybody at legth except the person that delivers my food (thanks mom), so the first male I see will definitely benefit from the final exam goggles even if its just extra unwanted attention
As a student, if you do not have someone you are givin the business to on a regular basis then you may be stressed out with all the work deadlines, exams, and projects that you may give the business to the most unfortunate looking fella/miss ever (I have seen it with my students)
@Intellectual Hedonist,
been there, done that, bought the t-shirt and souvenir shot glass
@blackberry molasses,
and ya’ll know the library be havin some mood ligthing! they do that ish on purpose!
@shatani,
and ya’ll know the library be havin some mood ligthing! they do that ish on purpose!
vsb.com: where nerds who think libraries are aphrodisiacs unite
@shatani,
shew… if the stacks in in Uris, Olin and the Law Libraries could talk… especially if one of my study group members got his “big brain” on and explained some kind of elusive theorem… hayle, he might have caught some big brain just on intellectual gymnastics.
yeah, i was on that ‘brainy/nerdy girl hosh*t’ in undergrad
hayle, he might have caught some big brain just on intellectual gymnastics.
lmao i love it!!
@shatani, and ya’ll know the library be havin some mood ligthing! they do that ish on purpose!
and the lighting is at its worst either in the basement or up in the stacks…prime locations for a little “study break”
@shatani,
i’ve been traumatized and intrigued by things i’ve seen going on in a library study room before.
@Intellectual Hedonist, this goes hand in hand with the senior week/before graduation goggles, where all the rules from the last 4 years go out the window and you go after everybody because you know you won’t see them again.
@Slim Jackson,
been there, done that…what happens during Senior week stays at senior week. smh….
@Slim Jackson,
senior week/before graduation goggles, where all the rules from the last 4 years go out the window and you go after everybody because you know you won’t see them again.
man, these goggles are a beast. lets just say that i’m glad youtube wasn’t around in 2001.
@Slim Jackson, listen. These are the best goggles known to man
@Intellectual Hedonist,
This is also related to the Homecoming tailgate goggles. Meat grilling and alcohol flowing, and it’s been 2 years since you’ve seen some of your classmates can all possibly cause you to throw about half of your standards out the window (well, he is an old friend, and his gf isn’t here). smh….
@N.I.A. isbeginningtolookalotlikechristmas….,
does that also go hand-in-hand with the 10 year highschool reunion goggles??
you catch up with that guy or girl you had the huge crush on in school, only now youre makin money and lookin fly and you just GOTTA try and see if you can get him/her. drinks are flowing, everyone’s catchin up, youre layin down your mack…
so, you end up sucking face in the corner of the gymnasium and mad folks have pictures! oh, and best believe they will be going up on the facebooks!
@shatani,
yep….your comment and my comment are definitely related…cousins, I think.
@Intellectual Hedonist,
OMG! I’ve have had the final exam screw. Man but there were no minuses. It was all relief.
@Wood, I hear ya
Celibacy Goggles… when you having a drought 6′s become 9′s, especially if you forget to pick up batteries a few days in a row…..
thankfully, i have never fallen pray to celibacy goggles and “giving the business” to unfortunate looking ppl….
now i’ll let em take me out to lunch/dinner, but the draws stay up and on tight.
@Gem of the San DiegOcean,
“now i’ll let em take me out to lunch/dinner, but the draws stay up and on tight.”
see, with me, they stay up and tight, but i’ll be more likely to become smitten with the guy. I’ll be all, “oh he’s so sweet. he didn’t even try anything. and it’s been so long…………..i love him.” lol
lmao!!!! girl i get nothin but crazies. i quickly learn (sometime between putting in an order and receiving the food) they are a waste of good convo and too lame to even get a sniff. so yeah, i let em keep it movin lol
@charli skipper, ““oh he’s so sweet. he didn’t even try anything. and it’s been so long…………..i love him.” lol”
U too? LMAO
@Nicki Sunshine,
that line was crackin me up!! i wouldnt say im celibate, but im certainly in a self-imposed drought and i find myself “falling in love” on the daily! lol
@shatani, Girl, I’m celibate… and I was just dating this guy for three weeks and thought he was a great catch… I cooked him dinner yesterday and he did A LOT to me… including grinding on me like pretty ricky, using my mouthwash, and leaving to take another chick to the movies! I’m dead serious.
Out of love now. LMAO.
@Gem of the San DiegOcean,
but the draws stay up and on tight.
so no loose draws for you?
thats nunya biznass.
@Gem of the San DiegOcean,
you tell him, gemmie!
All up in the business of yo draws like he knows sumthin
@Relax, Relate, Alise,
co to the micky-fricky sign.
NOT micky fricky!! lol
@Gem of the San DiegOcean,
What in the fraganackle bull is going on did that Mother Father say mickey frickey?! lol I like faux swearing.
lol… fraganackle reminds me of fraggle rock. that was my joint back in the day.
@Relax, Relate, Alise,
celibacy goggles are a close first cousin of drought goggles.
@Relax, Relate, Alise,
“Celibacy Goggles… when you having a drought 6’s become 9’s, especially if you forget to pick up batteries a few days in a row…..”
Why don’t you just put the 6 and 9 together and both parties will be happy and you can still say you haven’t had any pumpington.
@Relax, Relate, Alise, I dont know about the batteries (LMBAO) but I can vouch for celibacy goggles…I have come off of droughts and called up some chicks I swore off at least ten times for very legit reasons…
The Anti-Goggles (also the side-eye goggles) – This is what happens when you quit dudes and a good one comes along but ur perpetual side-eye is unable to take him seriously.
This can also be referred to as baggage goggles, trust issues goggles, bitter goggles…
once again, thankfully, i have not been victim of anti-/baggage/bitter goggles. last time i came across a good, sturdy, strong, fine man i roopieced him up.
@Luvvie,
“This can also be referred to as baggage goggles, trust issues goggles, bitter goggles…”
which, if theyre not discarded, will eventually become the middle-aged cat lady cobwebs.
ive seen people fall prey to social goggles….where you see this person who is just a social butterfly and everyone wants to be around them and the person gets caught up in that whirlwind only to find out that this person is actually a douchebag when you really get to know them.
@shatani, um…this was me through grades 8-12 and portions of college.
What I’ve learned is that people should be careful when on the phone with Champ.
@kamakula, did he make a pass at you too?
there’s always the Rose-Colored Glasses – uh, Goggles – that we find ourselves in from time to time…those which prevent us from reading clear signs of infidelity, deceit, (insert noun of your choice). typically, potent in love, like, new relationships, old relationships and various other locales on the spectrum.
@the advocate,
Sometime ppl are straight up wearing eye patches. They are completely blind
@the advocate,
would these qualify as a goggle, though? the goggles make someone more attractive. what you’re talking about makes someone ignore unattractive qualities. its like comparing a simile to a metaphor, you…wait, lol. nevermind. what the f*ck am i talking about? carry on
@The Champ,
if u’re ignoring the unattractive qualities then your SO still appears attractive. i see your point…it’s a fine line.
Wow. This post is cute, funny, and apropos since I’m going to the club tonite.
Today is me birfday!
And tonight (23rd) my plan is to wreak havoc, cause calamity and make as much mischief as is humanly possible within a 24 hr. time frame.
And why not – I’m turning 21 for the umpteenth time, dammit! So, this is my last post for the day.
I hope that all of you, my newfound friends here at vsb.com, have the most wonderful day ever! Take care, and see ya soon!
PS. Happy Birthday also to Lil’T's mama! Girl you better get her something good this year, lol.
awww you also share a born day with my little cousin.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! have a blessed one.
@RedBeanzNRice, Happy Birthday!
@RedBeanzNRice, Happy Bday!!!!!
@RedBeanz, Happy bday! ahh to be young-how glorious..
Dearest Coffee Bean,
happy birthday…
@RedBeanzNRice,
My mom’s birthday is today, too!!! Happy birthday!!!
@RedBeanzNRice, Happy Birthday.
@RedBeanzNRice,
Happy 21st ; ) Birthday!
@RedBeanzNRice,
Happy Born Day
@RedBeanzNRice,
Congratulations on not being aborted!
@Deviant,
**hands you the keys to your private jet to the HOT PLACE**
@blackberry molasses,
Girl, he don’t need no keys. He gets shoved in the back of the squad car and delivered personally to the debbil.
LMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!! effing hilarious. i love this becuz this past july i told my mom on my birthday “thanks for not aborting me and giving me the gift of life!!”
@Deviant,
…wowwww.
@RedBeanzNRice, HAPPEE BERFDEIGH
@RedBeanzNRice, Happy Birthday!
@RedBeanzNRice,
happy birthday and sh*t. i hope that your birthday is a very masculine birthday
Happy birthday RedBeanz
@RedBeanzNRice,
OMG, you have the best memory EVER!! I just spoke to my mom earlier and her b/f was serving her breakfast out in Cali. But I got her good gifts for the b-day and Christmas. Must be nice…
Anywho…have a great b-day, play many drinking games and do something foolish (but safe)!
Forever 21!!!!
@RedBeanzNRice, Happy Birthday To Ya, Happy Bithday to Ya, Haaappy Birthday,
**chair dancing in your honor**
Thank you so much, friends (even you Deviant, lol) for the warm wishes and the chair dancing! : ) Had to pop in for a second before the tyrades begin, lol.
Happy birthday also to Gemmie’s lil cousin, and NIA’s mama!
Hope I won’t be too hungover tomorrow, lol. See you all soon, and have a vanglorious day!
@RedBeanzNRice,
Happy Birthday! Enjoy!
there’s the “succumbing to his persistance” goggles…i’m ashamed to say i fell for this once, with disastrous consequences….
it’s when a guy is on your case 24-7, and at some point you do the whole head tilt as you’re looking at him, and think ‘hmmmmm, he’s actually NOT THAT BAD’… (you’re likelier to reach this conclusion when drunk/tired/high). famous last words, folks! don’t do it!! just don’t do it!!!
@superwoman,
i’ve been to this little getaway as well… got the shot glass and a STALKER that I couldn’t shake for 4 years. mattafact, he texted me holiday greetings yesterday.
@superwoman,
Oh, I have succumbed to that one too. Those persistent mofos can be slick sometimes!
1. lol @ the explanation of Internet Goggles (but mostly @ the subsequent putting on blast of the Champs Internet/Phone exploits)
2. We need a spellcheck on aisle 2 for your title.
@tits mcgee,
You caught that too.
@Deviant, & tits mcgee
I thaught he was just speaking to the example of internet goggles.
@WuDaMan,
sounds like tits is projecting.
@The Champ,
somehow i feel like you were DYING to say that
@tits mcgee,
thanks, tits. its great to have you back around, tits
Church Goggles: Just because you see this man in church praying and catching the Spirit, u think u’ve got a good catch. (IMHO, one of thee worst places to find a man)
@Nicki Sunshine,
Don’t do it!!!
@miss t-lee, Never again! LOL
@Nicki Sunshine,
wow! word nicki? worst places to find a man? please do tell!
@shatani, Oh yes… those men are (CAN BE) freakin demons.
One guy I was dating turned out to be engaged the ENTIRE TIME.
I dated a guy who played the drums for church and turned out to be a cheater….
There are more women than men in church, so they have their pickings. H3!!, most of those women are coming to church just to catch a man, tossing it at him, like he’s Brett Favre!
@Nicki Sunshine,
tossing it at him, like he’s Brett Favre!
ummm, as resident vsb.com sports analogy guru, i have to throw a flag here. since brett farve does the throwing, the ladies, in this case, would be the goggle equipped mr. farve. the lucky fella you mentioned would be the receiver
@The Champ,
uh….like asante samuel?
@shatani,
asante samuel is a defensive end. he’s supposed to force interceptions. therefore, if a dude was caught panties a la mr. samuels, he would be known as a c*ck blocker
@blackberry molasses,
hahaha….dammit! i will get this football analogy if its the last thing i do!
@The Champ, LOL.. Gracias Mi Amigo… as u can see, I am no football connosieur (sp?)
I need another name!!!!
@Nicki Sunshine,
How’s Marques Colston (I googled. LOL!)?
@Nicki Sunshine,
that works, lol. good job. i appreciate the effort
@Nicki Sunshine,
church musicians are the worst!…except for maybe a preacher’s kid – that’s a whole different story.
@the advocate, U ain’t NEVER lied. I don’t think I’d be able to go near a preacher’s kid. LOL
@Nicki Sunshine,
don’t! they’ve always got something to prove.
p.s. advance apologies to any PK’s in the house, but you know there’s some truth to it.
@Nicki Sunshine, RANDY MOSS tossing it at him like he was RANDY MOSS
That mofo can catch anything and I’m sure he has. qudruple entendre intended
@Intellectual Hedonist,
“Chicks are tossing it him like Randy Moss. ” Now I have to just remember it.
Since when I watch footballs, I’m looking at butts and backs and legs, I don’t pay any attention to names!!!!
@Nicki Sunshine,
*joinin the asswatch club*
i totally forgot about randy moss! good call, IH!
Vacation Goggles: You go on vacation with this intention of getting some “I’ll never see you again in life” loving and the standards go out the window. 3′s become 9′s and any girl that even looks a bit exotic is a 10!!! Dangerous stuff, almost makes you wanna bring sand to the beach, so you don’t have to worry.
@J. McFly,
I was going to say spring break goggles, but you pretty much covered it with vacation.
@N.I.A. isbeginningtolookalotlikechristmas…., i think spring break goggles have to be like stage 2 of vacation goggles. Vacation goggles sounds like they only pertain to members of the opposite sex (or same NTTAWT) when you’re meeting them abroad. Spring Break goggles will make an ugly jawn from your own school who you have seen millions of times before in econ class and happened to be staying at the same hotel look bad as HELL
@the P the E the Y the S the O, its PEYSO!!!,
LMAO!! So true…which is why I tried to avoid the major spring break spots so I could avoid running into any classmates. That way, what happens during spring break stays b/t me, my girls, and spring break.
@J. McFly, This is spot on.
@J. McFly, these are also very related to the study abroad goggles also. You’re stuck overseas and you’re suppose to be learning and what not and then ole girl who happens to be the only girl from your part of America is looking good when back home she wouldnt be worth the look.
@the P the E the Y the S the O, its PEYSO!!!, these are also very related to the study abroad goggles also.
That happened to me last year. I thought that I fell in love with this one dude and when we came back, the spark was immediately gone. He was decent-looking, but something about being abroad turns on the goggles…
@J. McFly,
i was gonna say that i had vacation goggles when i went to caribana a few years ago, but in hindsight, there really were more good-looking women there than ive seen in any one weekend ever. i think toronto might be a goggle proof city
@The Champ,
“i think toronto might be a goggle proof city”
yay for my hometown !!!!!!
@The Champ, I can’t think of one goggle proof city for women. I went to Miami and LA over the summer and was so disappointed with the selection of guys.
@Leila,
I think Chicago comes close. Or maybe it was the single consultant living in a hotel room 4/days out of a week goggles.
(It didn’t happen in other cities though, just Chicago)
@J. McFly, Vacation goggles are dangerous. They will turn 6′s into 9′s.
@J. McFly,
I wore those Vegas Goggles once…
*smh*
Firm Christmas party goggles….there is no upside to these goggles, b/c you still have to work with these people after the party is over.
@N.I.A. isbeginningtolookalotlikechristmas….,
oooh. a combo of drunk, work (and possibly) drought goggles. damn. thats scary
@The Champ, imagine if you were attending a christmas party that was happening in your company’s Brazil office. How many goggles would that be?
@the P the E the Y the S the O, its PEYSO!!!,
wow. this might be the single most difficult question i’ve ever been asked. lemme marinate on it for a week or two and i’ll get back to you
@The Champ, “this might be the single most difficult question”
Are you sure about that, Im sure you been asked. “Do you think it’s yours?”
@Intellectual Hedonist,
Zing!
What’s crazy is that I immediately read google instead of goggle so what goggles did I have on? Must have been morning goggles…lol
@Ashley,
ummm… it does say google… Champ can’t spell
and welcome (I think)!!
**Diva Dust ™**
hmmm…what about the he’s so deep/poetry goggles…u and ur peeps go out to a poetry slam or sumtin and a dude jumps up on da mike and spits out a deep just captivating poem so u think..man I could actually have some good convo w/dis dude, u xchange numbers thinking its gon b sum intellectual ish going down between yall and come to find out dude aint deep at all he just had a couple of good poems!!
Or even when u 1st meet sum1 and they say sumtin that sounds real good 2 u they just really engage you, then after like the 3rd convo u realize this muhfhucka is really dumb….
@badyellabroad,
hmmm…what about the he’s so deep/poetry goggles…u and ur peeps go out to a poetry slam or sumtin and a dude jumps up on da mike and spits out a deep just captivating poem so u think..man I could actually have some good convo w/dis dude, u xchange numbers thinking its gon b sum intellectual ish going down between yall and come to find out dude aint deep at all he just had a couple of good poems!!.
theres a term for this already. its called “game”
@The Champ,
LOL, dis is so true. No goggle points 4 me!!
@badyellabroad,
Yup, I fell for that one… until I realized he was wearing his “nice guy” status as a coat, and the phrase “women don’t like nice guys” as an excuse not to work on himself…
Don’t do it!!
@The Sula Experiment. Live it!,
NEVER fux with guys who are self-proclaimed nice guys. They are whiny punx who are actually @ssholes without the charm.
damn you Champ!!
After reading this, I now have to accept applications for new friends . . . and family members. I went to my high school reunion this past weekend, and my beer googles were about 6 inches thick. Do you think my best friend and cousin stopped me from acting an ass and hitting on these old scalawags I went to school with. NO, not only they didn’t stop me, but these ninjas taped it!!! I usually expect this behavior from my 2520′s friends, at least they will make sure you get home safe after they shave off your eyebrows
@eff yo couch,
“NO, not only they didn’t stop me, but these ninjas taped it!!! ”
* giggling* Daaaang.
@eff yo couch
“NO, not only they didn’t stop me, but these ninjas taped it!!! ”
And where can we find this tape? Youtube?
lmao exactly. let’s see the eff man in action!!
what is the you tube link
@eff yo couch,
lol, it looks like you have category “B” friends, which is a good thing for our entertainment
Hows about the winter storm goggles. I wish I was employed as a bed warmer by some pretty lil thang. I mean the cold makes people want to cover up and cuddle up.
@WuDaMan,
LOL, right!! I was just telling my girls I need me a chubby dude cuz its cold as hel* right now!!
@WuDaMan,
Hows about the winter storm goggles. I wish I was employed as a bed warmer by some pretty lil thang. I mean the cold makes people want to cover up and cuddle up.
lol…the “warm bed” goggles?
I mean the cold makes people want to cover up and cuddle up.
im not exactly in need of this now that i’m in the diego (altho my p.u.’s house is about 10deg colder than outside) but i will definitely need a cuddle buddy when i get back to the burgh. sounds like a job for the roopiece….
I will have to say deployment goggles for all my military folks.
A. You out there in the desert and after 4 months the little tundra wookie that you wouldn’t pay any attention to stateside is now your “dumpster diving” partner and you out there risking your paycheck.
B. You just get back from being out in the sandbox and you jump the first thing walking at your welcome back let’s get drunk party. Then pray no one brings it up ever again . . . old wild @ss chocolate loving eskimoes *shudder*
Ahh. . .such memories.
@IVR,
“little tundra wookie” is going to provide me hours of endless giggles. thanks!
**dropping in for a hot second… gotta clear out the inbox… **
the not from Pittsburgh goggles… living in the cave makes a very below average out-of-towner’s stock go way up
@pgh muse,
So true!!!!!!
@pgh muse,
the not from Pittsburgh goggles… living in the cave makes a very below average out-of-towner’s stock go way up
i’ve heard people speak of these, but i’ve never been affected by them. maybe its just a chick thing and shit, lol
@The Champ,
I would have to agree that this may be a female issue due to the lack of eligible, gainfully employed, literate, drug free, non-felony having black men that there are in our region
@pgh muse,
I’m glad I’m not the only woman who sees this. I made a comment about Pittsburgh men yesterday and Champ said it was because I hang out at bus stations! LOL!
@Voiceofreason,
lol… Don’t worry. He knows.
@Voiceofreason,
I’m going to have to agree with the Champ.
@kamakula,
Why?
@kamakula,
Agree with what? That I hang out at bus stations? You’re right, there was that one night. I met you, but I gave you a fake name and number. You figured out my number anyway. PLEASE STOP CALLING ME!
@Voiceofreason,
lol, reflex response when a woman in my vicinity makes such statements.
I actually appreciate getting fake numbers. It means she decided not to waste my time instead of giving me her actual number, then not returning my calls.
@pgh muse,
“the not from Pittsburgh goggles… living in the cave makes a very below average out-of-towner’s stock go way up”
as one who has lived in 3 different cities in the past 3 years, i have reaped the benefits of these goggles…sans the “very below average” part.
combine this with the OT Goggles with the Single, Educated, Well-dressed, Handsome, Black man with no kids and a career Goggles and the world is my playground.
LOL i guess as an out-of-towner i am not easily duped by other out-of-towners. but i will say, pgh dudes are the worst!!! altho i recently met one who was a cut (piece) above the rest…
Has anyone mentioned Age Goggles? Maybe this just applies to women. You’re getting older so you figure you should stop being picky and give guys you wouldn’t normally date a chance. The problem is, if things don’t work out you end up angry with yourself because you compromised your standards.
And to Champ, I found out we have a mutual friend and sh*t.
@Voiceofreason,
And to Champ, I found out we have a mutual friend and sh*t.
who’s that?
@The Champ,
Should I just type his name? Or will you be able to figure it out if I provide specific facts?
@Voiceofreason,
facts are cool. i like facts. email works too.
@The Champ,
OK here goes:
1. Tall
2. You used to play basketball with him (so he says)
3.Has 1 younger brother and 2 older brothers
4. Graduated from FAMU
5. His mother used to be a high school principal
I can list more if you haven’t figured it out.
@Voiceofreason,
i got it. how did you find out we knew each other?
@The Champ,
I mentioned VSB in a conversation the other day and he told me he knew you.
I mentioned VSB in a conversation the other day and he told me he knew you.
lol…the burgh has 1.5 degrees of separation.
also, props for mentioning vsb in general conversation
@The Champ,
lol…the burgh has 1.5 degrees of separation
this is sooo true. we are all prolly cousins or some shyt… ne who, i couldn’t find the VSB facebook page. Something wrong with it?
@pgh muse,
http://www.facebook.com/pages/VerySmartBrothascom/13097170495
@The Champ,
gracias hermano… gotta wait till i get home to check it tho cuz they hate @ my job.
the age goggles (tho i’m not that old) is why i’ve dated 10 guys in the last year. and 8 of them were crazies. *smh* damn shame
@Gem of the San DiegOcean,
Well if you’re dating brothers from Pittsburgh, crazy is inevitable. The last guy I dated from here was a habitual liar. And I’m not talking about typical man lies. His imagnation was more active than a 5 year old on LSD. I’m still afraid to get back out there after that.
that’s the thing. the crazies ones were implants (from other cities, that is). the 2 noncrazies were pghers who had sense enough to get the hell out. just so happened i was dating them while they were living elsewhere lol.
after a disturbing converstion with a friend ive thought of the lonely spinster/crazy cat lady goggles.
you know the ones where youre so blinded by the fear of a life alone that all the dumbshyt this scrub is doing is somehow okay.
like he’s going through your purse/phone lookin for numbers?
- “oh he’s just a little jealous, that means he loves me!”
maybe he’s giving you attitude when you want to spend time with your friends?
- “oh, he’s just a little bit possessive, that just means he loves me!”
so, you say you have to give photographic, time-stamped proof that you were out with the girls and not on a date with that dude from your job he dont like?
- “its not his fault, he got messed over by his last girl and is afraid to get hurt. that means he really does love me and doesnt want me to leave him….ever!”
im sorry, these are signs of psychopathy. start a secret bank account and get yo azz the hell up outta there before the first backhand. thank you and good day.
@shatani,
sounds like your friend needs some vsb in her life asap
@shatani,
reminds me of queens of comedy when sommore says, “nah he’s not hittin me, i just be walkin into the punches”
@Jeandra,
LOL!
@shatani,
“lonely spinster/crazy cat lady goggles”
I don’t know how I feel about this, a little too close to home (not the violence part, just the crazy cat lady goggles). I hope these are under a 4.
@shhwhisper,
girl…they might as well be a blindfold on some chicks! ive seen women put up with SO MUCH all in the name of having a man and not dying alone…it just makes me sad.
VSB Merry Christmas:
http://sheliagoss.com/2008/12/23/merry-christmas-all/
@Shelia,
thanks and sh*t
**dropping back in the coast is clear (aka boss not hovering)**
I know of several goggles that can get a sista caught up if she isn’t employing her game deciphering x-ray vision…
-the “I take care of my kids” goggles — many a ninja will bring their kids around u erry once in a while so that they appear to be a half a$$ parent… meanwhile that time they spent with you and their seed is the ONLY time they spent. And they will use their kid as an alibi.
- the church goggles – predators at their worst– any man coming at a sista spouting some gospel needs to be fully vetted. Seriously.
- the conscious /vegan/ locs goggles — that ish means nothing… I don’t know how many men utilize this look to pick up women… and the poor unsuspecting ladies think their getting more than the average ninja…
-lol… this is messed up… but just having a penis goggles. Sorry… But there’s so much game out there and so many men LIE LIE LIE (not all
) but sooo many that i don’t see how young ladies date anymore without being cynical. I’m not hating. Really.
@pgh muse,
but just having a penis goggles.
isn’t this called “being a heterosexual female”?
@The Champ,
Yeah. Sad isn’t it.
I co-sign on the Pittsburgh goggles.
Ashley, I also saw google also but knew the Champ wouldn’t be talking about that.
What about lab goggles? Even the monkeys look cute.
@Ivy St.,
we have that same problem in los angeles. if a man has a normal 9-5, you put on the
“he’s not struggling for his art and has an actual job so i better get to know him” goggles.
in essence, he ends up being a hoe cake because so many women are thinking just like you.
i can safely say no lab nerds look better to me as a result of all my time spent in the confines of a sterile experimental space. thank.gawd.
@Gem of the San DiegOcean,
the lab nerds wanna poke you
Rebound Goggles?
Just got dumped; first dude who compliments your eyes gets play based on looks alone, despite obvious hints that he’s a waste-of-time a** ninja?
Anyone?
@WordSmith,
This is some TRUTH… and those are some deceiving goggles to wear. Being on the rebound can definitely get someone caught up.
@WordSmith,
that’s the “i need validation that i still got it and perhaps some a** too” goggles.
@Jeandra,
“i need validation that i still got it and perhaps some a** too” goggles
this IS a good one… I have personally wore these goggles recently (ummm… i didn’t do anything) but yeah. This is some real shyt.
@WordSmith,
Been there! Actually, I bumped into some really bomb diggity on some rebound goggles.
rebound goggles = can only pay you in d*ck installments
Ooooh! I have a good one! The tired Black woman dating outside her race goggles… now this is real. I know PLENTY of women who are finding other races and ethnicities more appealing simply because of the lack (some people say it’s a myth but idk…) of eligible black men.
@pgh muse,
this is how i got the year and change of ” Trans-Atlantic Gotd@mn” with my Greek Adonis **sighs wistfully**…
@blackberry molasses,
Mmmmm…. lol. I’m tryna get me some of THAT b4 i leave this earth
Or some hot Asian Boy gotdamn… lol… i have a thing for Asian boys in urban wear lol.
@pgh muse,
i have a thing for Asian boys in urban wear lol
so basically, my chinese homie with the sean john jean suit needs to watch out for you?
@The Champ,
When r u going to introduce us? It ain’t nothing for him to be scared of
@pgh muse,
if he actually existed, i’d hook yall up this weekend. ya’ll could even go to simmies or something for the first date.
@The Champ,
Ur silly. I knew u were joking… and i was too (mostly
) Awww… I <3 simmies 
.
@pgh muse,
Ooooh! And I thought I was the only one crushin’ on the little Asian boys.
Some of them in my MBA classes are just too delish for words. With their slender, trendy selves…
*sigh*
@The Sula Experiment. Live it!,
Awww! Ms. Sula, we are here -><- once again!
There’s been a Billy or a Tommy that’s caught my eye from time to time i admit.
Oh!
The-only-black-people-who-work-in-this-building/field/area goggles. Closely related to the I-went-to-a-PWI-and-we’re-only-13%-of-the-campus-population goggles.
Or do these fall in line with the work goggles?
@WordSmith,
no, i think that’s the lone ninja/novelty goggles
@Jeandra,
i concur
@Jeandra,
word…im going through a bit of that right now! im one of three negroes on my job and only one is a dude. and i have to keep really reminding myself that i am NOT attracted to this man! i just gotta take it one day at a time. lol…
and these goggles fit just right because ive been in this boat since i was 11! being one of very few black people in a sea of white….it sorta makes you invent fake things in common (besides chocolatey goodness)
it just aint healthy!
@WordSmith, i think they’re called the (insert name of school) goggles
Situation Googles:
I think you also get caught up where you are at. If you’re in a party that you wouldn’t normally be caught dead in and you start digging on the best person in there. But even the best person in there has nothing in common with you. They are just the best in the situation.
I found myself in this situation at work. I found myself attracted to middle age white women. Not because they were cute, but because they were the best in the situation.
@Wood,
we have a winner! lol… i think this is where the phrase, “they just grew on me…” came from.
@Wood,
Best case scenario glasses
@Jeandra,
I think you named it better.
@Wood,
Thank you. Your greeting card is in the mail
@Wood,
I found myself in this situation at work. I found myself attracted to middle age white women. Not because they were cute, but because they were the best in the situation.
even though these are just work goggles, this description cracked me the hell up
Internet Goggles are the reason for my many Blackplant/AIM/Myspace disasters.
Word to the wise. Internet Goggles make you look at pictures on the internet the same way Beer Goggles make you look at people in the bar. The picture is never how they look. NEVER!!!
@Wood,
at this time, we should thank our friends who invented the webcam
@Jeandra,
You ain’t lying, but even then. You know they sucking in the gut and put on make-up. Looking like they getting ready to go to the club.
@Wood,
well at least you can tell them to stand up, turn around, and touch the ground.
lmao!! my brother was saying this same thing the other day, which is why he tried to take a picture of me, shortly after getting out of bed, threatening to put it on facebook. im sexy/sexxy and all, but i looked soooo outta order, a HAM if you will. *smh*
The X-ray Goggles…
You know, the one where you see a guy that doesn’t really do it for you physically, then you catch some glimpse of his package in some slacks or something and the bulge is by his knee somewhere…all of a sudden this bamma gets reaaal cute.
or the Jedi Mind Trick Goggles
I used to hang with a friend and her cousin quite a bit. The cousin had super thick glasses, was prematurely gray and scruffy – not to mention the fact he had polio as a youngster and occassionally used a cane. He wouldn’t boast on himself for no reason, but if the subject came up in conversation he would let it be known that he thought he was fly. The first time I heard this my thought was, “for real? you need a better prescription.” But eventually I was tilting my head and squintin’ like, “I guess he aaaiight” and soon enough we’re tri-poddin’ all over his apartment…
@Lil’T,
OMG!! this made me HYPERVENTILATE… whoo… those “D” goggles r the worst!
@Lil’T,
tri-poddin’ all over his apartment…
i am HOLLERING in here.
@Lil’T, then you catch some glimpse of his package in some slacks or something and the bulge is by his knee somewhere…all of a sudden this bamma gets reaaal cute.
LOL!! so true, so true.
“and soon enough we’re tri-poddin’ all over his apartment…”
I am dying over here….LMAO!!!
@Lil’T,
“But eventually I was tilting my head and squintin’ like, “I guess he aaaiight” and soon enough we’re tri-poddin’ all over his apartment…
”
time and place of death…at my desk. lol
@Princess Duvet,
I just died as well.
His was one “helluva”pair of goggles.
@Lil’T,
“soon enough we’re tri-poddin’ all over his apartment…”
I QUIT YOUR ENTIRE BEING.
LMMFAO!!!
@Lil’T,
not to mention the fact he had polio as a youngster and occasionally used a cane
ummm…wait a sec.
he had polio????
did he have smallpox too?
the whooping cough?
rubella?
@The Champ,
Don’t forget Syphillis!
@Mme. Editor-in-Chief,
Bubonic plague
@The Champ,
my co worker just came in and said polio? exactly how old was this brotha.
I told her he was one generation removed from the dark ages.
@Jeandra,
time travel goggles…
i thought there was a like childhood vaccine for all that. or it like disappeared magically.do people still get polio.
this is NOT funny…but its SOO funny..
@Princess Duvet,
i agree. LOL.
Maybe she THOUGHT it was a cane. clearly polio doesn’t affect ALL of the body.
@Princess Duvet, ppl still get polio. i saw it on house
@the P the E the Y the S the O, its PEYSO!!!,
and lil t can still get “it” too apparently
@The Champ, THANK YOU! cause Im thinking
a. How old was this dude that he had POLIO? Polio really?
b. you had to look at him sideways to think he was aight.
SMH
Question did anyone call 911 for Princess Duvet or at least throw a dank cloth over her.
@Lil’T,
My kindred sistren. I almost fell prey to this one… (truth is I’m still battling the urge).
These are extremely potent. Extremely.
@The Sula Experiment. Live it!,
polio googles?
@Jeandra,
lmao! i think she means the jedi mindtrick goggles! they are very potent…i mean, im almost convinced that PeeJay is actually sexxy!!
@shatani,
it happens to us all from time to time. the jedi goggles, not the PJ is sexy goggles.
@Jeandra,
Not the polio goggles.
The X-ray Goggles. The “D” goggles. The “I can’t believe he’s packin’ like that” goggles.
They had me stuck on “curious” with the most unlikely match of all times. It took my entire contingent of fam and friend plus the substantial reduction of my AA mileage to hear reason.
There was nothing serious this guy and I could have built, but there I was saying things like… “he’s such a hardworker, and he likes me, and he’s soo nice” all the while thinking about the “D” (that I had the privilege or misfortune to see)…
It didn’t help that he knew that in normal circumstances there would have never been a “us” but that I was extremely intrigued by “it”. So he kept leveraging “it”… and it almost worked. Almost.
Truth be told, I don’t know if I’ve overcome that one… Thank goodness for a weak economy and the scarcity of my AA miles… or else.
@The Sula Experiment. Live it!,
lol… Be STRONG sista!!
@pgh muse,
Thanks lady. I need that skrength.
But d@mn if he didn’t star in many-a-battery powered -sessions
@The Sula Experiment. Live it!,
Girl – beware the unassuming man who will let you “accidently” get a look at his wang or the outline of his wang. He just wants you to know that his trouser snake is really an anaconda.
Neva trust a big wang and a smile, that boy is poooisoooon!Whoo!
@Lil’T,
it drives you out your mind, but it’s not that hard to find.
@Lil’T,
“Neva trust a big wang and a smile, that boy is poooisoooon!”
I.hate.you.
@blackberry molasses,
thats strange cuz i love her!!! lmao!!
*singin along, dancin the cabbage patch*
@The Sula Experiment. Live it!,
yes girl be strong but it hard (no pun). no judgement here.
@Lil’T,
HILARIOUS!!!
@Lil’T
This comment was fukcing HILARIOUS! Thank you for making my afternoon. I wish I had a pair of real life X-Ray glasses right now!
not to mention the fact he had polio as a youngster and occasionally used a cane
here lies Gemmy… in her Ocean grave… please tell her e-twin, overit, she e-luved her so…
i’m loving y’all so much today, i had to put you in my status message. dayam.
@Jeandra, co-sign. VSB+last day at work b4 holiday vacation=a great day indeed.
Black women from my hometown (Minneapolis) suffer from the “he doesn’t date white girls” goggles.
I have had my stock rise in women’s eyes back home simply by them finding out I have never dated outside my race. Sweet!
@Cornell Westside,
you’d be big pimpin spendin cheese in seattle.
@Cornell Westside,
Co-sign. A brotha definitely gets better looking if I find out he hasn’t been out skiing the slopes. The ones who admit to a little “powder problem” usually chalk it up to some jump off mess. P.S. fellas – we know that’s probably a lie.
@Lil’T,
iown know who they be tryin to fool with that nonsense!
but i will admit, knowing a brother never dated (or sexed) a white girl does make him a bit more attractive to me…
@Cornell Westside,
i see you also have the self depreciating mack goin on.
“I have had my stock rise in women’s eyes ..”
mmmhmmm
you’re not fooling anybody, pal.
@blackberry molasses,
see what had happened was…I was walking with this young lady whom I had been trying to court for a time, however all of my efforts had been thwarted.
After walking past one of the many interracial couplets on campus she inquired about my experience in the snow. I gave her a puzzled and offended look and said, “Just because I’m from Minnesota doesn’t mean I play in the snow.”
…her eyes lit up and we never made it to class…and that was when the light bulb went off.
That day, like everday, was a good day to be me.
@Cornell Westside,
I think you’d get points for this all over America.
@pgh muse,
He’d get points for this in Texas…lmao
@miss t-lee,
this theory has been tested in Texas…Dallas to be exact from 2006-2007 lol.
@Cornell Westside,
I shoulda known…
@Cornell Westside,
low-key, minneapolis seems to have a decent amount of black folks there. it seems like it would be a much bigger, colder, erie, pa
@The Champ,
You’re right to some degree, however it works well in Minneapolis because we have a HEAVY plague of interracial dating (I mean everything imaginable…ever seen a half-cambodian/half-somalian person? I have). The most popular of all these, of course, is the Black man/White woman combo meal.
Even Chris Rock joked about it when he came to perform, he said, “You get off the plane as a Black man in Minnesota, you get your rent-a-car, then your white girl.”
How about the “It’s my Birthday Goggles”…
When all of your friends have bought you way too many shots and you’ve made up your mind that “I’m giving somebody the buisness tonight. It’s my birthday, i’m grown, and this holiday is not complete until I do the humpty dance.” The one night where everyone of the opposite sex seems to be willing to give you some. *sigh* The pain of a hangover and cashing the wrong coochie coupon.
@Osky Whoasky,
those would be the beer goggles.
birthday goggles would be waking up on said day and having that “in case of emergency break glass” person come over.
@Jeandra,
The holiday goggles (birthdays, valentines day, and new year’s eve) transcend the booze…they are all predetermined “first one to bite is getting it” days.
@Osky Whoasky,
holidays and holiday liquor put that spell on you.
next thing you know, you’re saying:
“how did this miseltoe get hooked on my belly ring?”
@Jeandra,
“how did this miseltoe get hooked on my belly ring?”
I am MAD at this… yet admire the ingenuity **makes note to add that little trick to the Holiday Diddle-fest**
@Jeandra,
it took all my might not to take out my little hammer and break that glass on my birthday!! wooosah!
@shatani,
woosah! be the hammer, be it!
I don’t claim to be an expert in many things. However I do know without a shadow of doubt that I am one of the top 100 wingmen walking the face of the earth.
You forgot to mention a huge factor that will force a good wingman to allow you to slum it for the evening. What if your boy/girl is going through a drought and needs a confidence booster? Every good wingman knows exactly whats going on in every bar/club situation, and the best points of attack for each potential target.
If I can get my boy to start playing pro-level ball again by looking the other way while he takes down the hunchback of university of notre dame, or maybe even gas his head to attempt to hunt that wilderbeast in the green dress, then why wouldn’t I? Its actually in chapter 6 of the textbook.
@Dorian G.,
The “confidence booster” goggles are definitely a plus.
Good wingman! You’ve been well trained.
@Dorian G.,
Oh God I can TOTALLY see you doing this….please don’t have me wheezing at my desk again…they gone think I got asthma for real this time…
Living in Houston, I often wear the “he’s wearing an argyle sweater and moc drivers, hOOt hOOt” goggles…
Guys down here are so far from preppy (my fave style) that anybody I see wearing that attire get mad cool points.
Case in point, the little dude I saw on my way to the cafeteria. He’s short and not that cute. But he was wearing moc drivers, an argyle sweater over a button down and a nice corduroy jacket…
When I caught myself smiling idiotically, I figured I should enter this as a type of goggle.
@The Sula Experiment. Live it!,
Those are the Carlton Spectacles. I’m usually not checking for the Carltons too much – but Mr. Big definitely had an affinity for argyle sweaters and a good game of Scrabble.
*singin’* It’s not unusual to be loooved by anyoooonnnee…….
@Lil’T,
aww, i need a mr. big in my life….argyle makes me happy and scrabble makes me ecstatic!
@The Sula Experiment. Live it!, guys dress well get instant cool points with me. i’d take a 7 in some loafers and an argyle sweater over a 9.5 (i don’t believe in 10s) in some phat pharm, a steve harvey suit, or a white tee and a fitted ANY DAY
The Money Goggles.
You know when you’re broke but hungry and all of a sudden the guy who has been asking you act suddenly becomes attractive because of the free meal he will provide…yeah that’s the Money Goggles.
Or when you see some shoes you want, a purse, watch or hoodie for the fellas and you know that you shouldn’t tell a certain someone because they will buy it but you know you have to spend time with this person to show your gratitude…yeah the Money Goggles.
Or just when you plain ol just aren’t attracted to a person but you know that your life will be much easier if you had them in your life so you proceed to have a relationship with said person….you are now wearing the Money Goggles.
The thing about them though is that once you put them on there is no substitute for the shiny lifestyle you’ve become accustomed to seeing…they are in fact the worst pair of goggles to own.
@Teacia,
We call that prostitution where I’m from. NTTAWWT…..lol!
@Lil’T,
prostitution requires an exchange of goods and services, this is usually one sided.
@Lil’T,
whatchu mean NTTAWWT?!?! there is clearly something wrong with that! lol
@Teacia,
Those sound like the “gold-digger slippers”… but I may be mistaken.
@The Sula Experiment. Live it!,
yeah it is def reminiscent of gold digger tendacies…lol.
You know when you’re broke but hungry and all of a sudden the guy who has been asking you act suddenly becomes attractive because of the free meal he will provide…yeah that’s the Money Goggles.
i call these the i’m a grad student in a drought glasses. 8 weirdos later…
I have to admit Skirt/Dress goggles;
I went to Catholic school so all the women wore skirts or dresses. Even on picture day the girls put on they pretty dresses. @ church cuz I like to say that I am Catholic +. (we went to Catholic church on Saturday and Assemblies of God [a division of the Pentecostal church known for it's teaching] on Sunday and for Bible study on Wednesdays) So you know all them girls was in dresses and skirts. I was around females in dresses or skirts so much if one was just around me that was the definitive clothing item that defined them as women. Therefore I had to look. I still have to look. *hanging my shaking head*
@WuDaMan,
**makes note to NOT wear tight green pencil skirt when visiting WuDaMan’s church**
@blackberry molasses,
It ain’t even about the tight ones, or the short ones for that matter. If you want to keep me from throwing holy water on you, leave your spaghetti strapped sundress in the closet.
@WuDaMan,
its the middle of the freaking winter dawg… cozy sweaterdresses are where its at right now
@blackberry molasses,
You right but who knows when you’ll evuh make it over to St Barbaras
Deployment googles:
I have bee in Iraq for 11 months with 4 more to go.
My homeboy has a postter that says “Yes there are plenty of fish in the sea; but your in the desert…alone!”
What happens in Iraq stays in Iraq. Enough said.