I’m not a deep thinker. Rather I’m one of those people who sees things a little, oh I don’t know, differently, than others. You see a television, I see little people trapped inside of a moving picture box. Granted that makes no sense whatsoever, but little things fascinate me.
Anyway, that fascination with random stuff inspires me to think about a lot of stuff that normal, centered folks don’t think about. Like what, you ask? Well,like this:
Where exactly do gangsters and thugs go grocery shopping?
Laugh now, but think about that for a second. When was the last time you went to the grocery store and saw a dude who looked like he carried a .45, trying to determine what kind of Hamburger Helper he should get? I don’t know about you but I rarely see that up in my grocery store.
DO they go grocery shopping?
So this all got me to thinking. If I’m a hardened criminal, or the neighborhood thug I still have to eat after a night full of vandalism and thuggery.
So as a service today, I’ve decided to help my fellow gangsters, thugs, and hoodlums. Because I know that it is important to eat and that sometimes he won’t be able to get that gangsta b*tch to go grocery shopping for him (I mean she has to go to school and sh*t), I’ve created a simple and short guide to getting your grocery shop on and being a menace to South Central while drinking your juice in the hood.
The first step in going grocery shopping as a gangsta is to basically determine what’s the furthest suburb (since most gangstas live in the city) you can get to without fear of being pulled over by the police for having a suspended license. Why is this important? Well, by venturing to the suburbs to go grocery shopping you greatly reduce the number of black people who will see you in the grocery store. White people are afraid of black people by default and will switch aisles because you are there and let you shop in peace. You know why…
…because either they don’t know, don’t show, or just don’t care about what goes on in the hood.
And what happens if you see another gangsta in the store. Well, he’ll keep quiet because chances are, he’s trying what you are trying and cannot use that fact against you for fear of being outed himself.
Try to keep your crimes confined to about an hour before and an hour after midnight. The midnight hour is a good time to go grocery shopping, especially during the week. Why is this? It’s because non-gangsta types have to go to work the next morning. So going at midnight greatly reduces the number of black folks you might see, who might question your thugacity, and white folks who might call the cops on you after assuming you are Tupac and don’t belong in their neighborhood.
You still have to go to the suburbs because black folks work the late shifts a lot, so you might get caught slippin’ in the city by little Tinkashawn’s sister looking at just how ripe your bananas are and get called out on the block the next day, thereby fucking up your probation AND parole because you just had to shoot somebody for talking about you and disrespecting you while a ninja was just trying to get his eat on…shit…Can I live…
…I ask you…Can I live?
You have to go alone. I know this is a hard rule to follow because presumably thugs hang with more thugs (hence gang, crew, etc.) who probably need to go grocery shopping BUT if you go to the suburbs with a bunch of thugs at midnight…you’re going to jail. There are no ands ifs or buts about it. Lastly…in case all that isn’t possible…
4) Just eat at yo’ mama’s house.
Follow these simple rules and you too can shop in peace…then go get yo’ thug or murder on.
So good denizens of VSB, we’ve taught them how to shop for groceries, do you have any advice for the thug who’s trying to get his activities of everyday living on?
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL, HE A 3