I don’t buy the whole shortage bit. Let’s start from there. Hot chicks have options. Period. But you can’t stop a woman from being a woman and if there’s one thing that all women specialize in it’s this:
Potential.
Once an interested woman sees potential in you to be…well whatever she deems you to be in her fantastical fantasy version of her life, she will find a way to keep you there – save for cheating, decapitating her pets and leaving the toilet seat up. This unyielding belief in men and our abilities often allows us the strength to keep holding on. Yes, you’ve got to keep, keep, keep, keep holding on.
This belief in potential is not without its downfalls. You see, women can be very full of sh*t. Some, not all, for those of you who are going to get your thong in a bunch. And here’s where the differences between men and women’s thought processes come into play. See a man is very rarely going to forego something that is very important to him. If he’s very adamant about dating a woman with a donk, he’s not going to date Backside Barn Betty. He just won’t.
If he doesn’t like smokers, he’s not going to date a woman that smokes. Period. Men want what men want. And women do too, until they can get past it. See, women are willing to look past nearly all of the important dealbreakers on their list if you bang ‘em out right they can see the potential in you. What’s interesting is how big some of these foregoances can be.
* sees hand raised *
You in the cheap seats.
Audience member: What do you mean oh big brother P almight-y?
Glad you asked padre. Here are some things that women will entirely look past because they are interested in you:
1) Kids
Can’t tell you how many women will tell you that they don’t want to date a man with a kid…until you tell them you have a kid. Then all of a sudden its “well, not 2 kids…wait, how many did you say you have because my cut off is whatever you said”. I saw this play out right before my very eyes with one of my best friends. I watched a chick back pedal from saying “no kids” to “well, I mean, I can deal with it if you can” in the matter of 3.7 seconds.
2) Religion
This actually happened to me more than a few times. After a little while of “getting to know you” convos (and because we’re Black), the how did you come up convo arises with the inevitable church background story. Many women will tell you they want a man to go to church with them every Sunday and help build them up spiritually, etc. Then you drop the, “yeah, well I don’t go to church and have no intention of doing so.” Without missing a beat, “well you do believe in God right? Because as long as that’s the case I’ll look past the fact that church really matters to me and you’d never go with me. I have cable.”
3) Employment
All women say they want a man with a job. Until they meet that jobless Idris Elba character who is a starving artist. Then all of a sudden ambition is more important than the financial manifestation of dollarage. Women love a man who can make ‘em weak in the knees from singing. And lucky enough guys like kneepad action so its a win win for everybody. Hmm…what was I talking about? Oh yes…
4) Living Situation
I know a woman who dated a man for a year and a half…WHILE HE LIVED WITH HIS EX. She swore she couldn’t believe she was doing this but she loved him so she would deal with it. ‘Scuse me waiter, I’ll take my crazy with a capital C, please.
5) Good credit
“It might not be the best credit ever, but at least I have some credit, baby”
“Oooooh Jerome St. Jerome, you right. The root word of bad credit and good credit is credit. And you got that. Oooooooh Can I get you a soda?”
I don’t know very many men who will say, I ain’t dating a woman with 2 kids who will end up dating a woman with 2 kids. Perhaps we’re more shallow. Or just more on that mellow mellow. Me no know, but I do see women making beaucoup concessions all the time. Maybe women just have really big hearts. Which is good since you can’t trust a big butt and a smile, naw that’s the old style.
Poison.
Anyway, do you make exceptions that you claim you’d never make? Do ya? Do ya???
Step in the name of love.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka VITAMIN P aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3
sup!
SO close!!!!! *Sigh* Good job….. *Weakly throws E-Confetti*
say it…. SAY IT!! #noneyo. ; )
QUEENSBRIDGE! ..shout out to Dr. Katz (remember that show?)! Check my new hit single “First” coming out on Cheekie Records…Cheekie sat me down and told me all this would happen, but I didn’t believe her (Nicki Menaj). Cheekie predicted all of this and is a legend in the game (Yung Money!) *sees Andi throwing confetti and motions for her come up on stage and up to the podium* Thanks to the vampire VSS’s and VSB’s that taught me you gotta refresh….and if you on West Coast time, post the day before to even think about getting into the discussion. *getting verklempt* I gotta go….I’m sorry!*** *Leaving podium with entourage*
***(I combined Ron Artest victory interview with Nicki Menaj and Drake’s BET award speeches)
LMAO @ award speech and Dr. Katz.
Ahem. That’s Cheekie Minaj to you. V.I.P youcanhaveabeer.
amazing… brava.
!!!!!
@Andi – this is the most poignant response in the history of poignancy. such cadnor. such wit. the way you so surreptitiously used 5 exclamation points instead of a more traditional 4. its a bit moving actually. i’m verklempt.
there have been times when i’ve prayed to reach this level of enlightenment that you have so effortlessly achieved.
i salute you.
“i’m verklempt. ”
ha! haven’t heard that since SNL mike meyers
EEEK! This article hits home for SO many reasons. O.O
@Nicolllllleee – and thank you for pointing out each and every one of those reasons. i feel like i know you so much more than i did 10 minutes ago now.
anybody else need a cigarello?
Dutch Grape please *e-matches Panama*
haha, aka the ‘i can fix him’ syndrome.
Nearly all those things are explained by a womans obsession to ‘train’ an alright man into a good one. You can potentially ‘fix’ anything but kids.
And when you do successfully fix him, and he becomes the ‘good man of your dreams’, you will inevitably lose interest and ditch him for another broken man that is in dire need of your ‘fixing’.
The Diary of A Mad Enigmatic Wo-is me-man.
@santa monica – this “training” of men is more retarded than the love child of paris hilton and johnny knoxville. plus it assumes that women know what a good man even looks like. and given the track records and esteem issues of a lot of women we all apparently know, looks like they’re into training ike turner.
by the way, your piers are fantastic.
“haha, aka the ‘i can fix him’ syndrome. ”
Yeah, this needs to cease like fire, like yesterday. Trying to change a man…even if somewhat successful will either cause eventual tension between you two (he’ll resent you for pressuring him and not appreciating who he is or some ish)…or your changing job will be TOO successful, causing him to leave you for a higher ranked woman. lol
Seriously, don’t try to change folks. If you needed to change him…you didn’t want HIM.
And after all that hard work that you put into “fixing” said man,
Let us not forget that a Great poet once said:
“And when he gets on, He leaves your ass for a white girl”
– Kanye
So feeling this…I have my “particularities” and I do not deviate from them at all for any lady/woman/female. If it means I’m a permanent bachelor, so be it. My name’s not Miles Standish, so I’m not a good settler.
@B. Brown – two pilgrim references in one day on VSB. that has to be a first. hell, that might be a first on ANY site not devoted to pilgrims.
by the way, your mayflower game is vicious.
LOL I’m mad at you for calling me out!!!! i’m already guilty of #1. let me get back to reading
Hmm…ok it was a short post today.
i’m not budging on #2, I’m not deadset on a man that goes to church every Sunday and serves as an usher (although I’m active in my church), but if you straight up tell me you ain’t going or you are a CME (Christmas, Mothers Day, Easter) member…we ain’t gonna work.
#3. Can’t budge on this either…you gonna need a job. i have a girlfriend that met a guy and started dating him while he was unemployed, granted he was employable and his company had simply downsized…he’s working now…they’ve been together around 2 yrs. guess she made your point…anywho…my man needs a job
#4 also not compromising…i’ve been approached by 2 men that had live in girlfriends (one was a baby mama)…not ok by any means. Both tried the “its complicated story” if you don’t have enough balls and/or money to leave the women you claim its over with, you’re not the one for me.
#5 I’m not really a stickler on this…as long as you don’t have everythang in yo mamma’s name. Mannie Fresh But seriously you can’t be a bad money manager but i’m not going around checking credit scores….til the premartial counseling anyway
SN: lol at the BBD tag…just saw them Saturday and Poison was what everybody was waiting for. They put on a show too.
@OftConfrused – i think as women get older, #1 becomes less and less important. a 24 year old chick has no business dating a dude with kids b/c hell she’s still a kid herself. the idea of responsibility and maturity is often at odds and more glamourous than the actual practice of having to be responsible.
@Panama”the idea of responsibility and maturity is often at odds and more glamourous than the actual practice of having to be responsible.”
Very well said!
@Often_Confused
I am shocked you wouldnt talk to a man who lost his job due to downsizing in this economy provided he was employable. Ish happens.
@coldsweat. I feel you and I agree. It’s hard sometimes especially now. My main problem is if youre unemployed maubevyour first priority needs to be finding a job not courting me. My friend in the above post meet this dude online and he’d been unemployed for almost a year (18 months total). I dunno if I was unemployed I’d be worrying about getting a new job, not starting a relationship.
Secondly, I think I’m holding on to the fact that my ex(husband that is) couldn’t keep a job. Romance w/o finance is a nuisance.
lol @ the school daze ref.
@superlurker – yeah i saw black people today and thought to myself, black people like school daze.
it was a natural connection, dontchaknow.
#2 gets me all the time. But that may be because i struggle with my own church attendance at times lol.
EDIT:
I think within any religion there’s like gradations of what you do, and what you’re looking for in a mate. For example, I could say, “I need a man who is a Christian and nothing else” but he could be a Christian who never goes to church. I’m sure there are plenty of those. but then I could also say, “hey I need a Christian man who goes to church every Sunday.” but then we all know there can be some “predatory” men up in churches preying (see what I did there?) on church wimmens. Sure, he fits the church attendance requirement, but hes a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Or more likely, maybe he’s just showing up to church out of duty not because he really wants and enjoys being there.
I think number 2 is often made an exception for because religion is fuzzy to many, and there’s lots of wiggle room for the woman to define what she wants, and for a man to slip in and out of her definition. Unlike the other items on your list, you either have a job or don’t, you either have a kid or you don’t, you either have bad credit or you don’t, etc. Religion isn’t so cut and dry. All that to say, I don’t think this one really belongs on the list in this context. Ha.
Personally, I’ve grown out of saying I want a woman who “goes to church.” Here, in the bible belt, church is almost something you just do. People just go to church because of tradition, fear, etc.
So now I just say I want a Christian woman who tries her best to live what she believes. Now action is a reflection of belief, and church attendance is an “action.” But I’m looking more so at her actions outside of church that reflect her beliefs.
@SouthernCharm
I co-sign One hunnit percent with that statement!
I cosign your cosign.
perfectly stated
So now I just say I want a Christian woman who tries her best to live what she believes. Now action is a reflection of belief, and church attendance is an “action.” But I’m looking more so at her actions outside of church that reflect her beliefs.
@SouthernCharm: and let the church sayyyy…
“Here, in the bible belt, church is almost something you just do. People just go to church because of tradition, fear, etc. ”
Exactly. I appreciate the open mind. I mean, of course, there are also people that go to church because they love it. But, what a lot of people who are so stringent on their mate going to church should understand is that my relationship with God is no weaker because I don’t attend services than yours is because you do. I admire the commitment, but there’s not only one way to have a firm relationship with Him. I mean, Christians believe God’s an omnipresence right? There ya go.
lol sorry, had to get that out. I’m free. I’m like a bird. Nelly Furtado.
How is she doing these days?
in the South a lotta people go to church just cus’/tradition and some for other motives…amen!!..goin to church doesn’t make you a christian anymore than standing in your garage makes you a car” yeah attendance is cool, but Some of the most ridiculous scandalous things happen at church …basically actions speak louder than words
PREACH!!!
Hmm. the interesting thing about your point is that wanting to be with a “woman who tries her best to live what she believes” is open to interpretation. Specifically, her interpretation of her bliefs and how she chooses to live them, and then your interpretation of that (or rather, what you deem acceptable enough for you). Much like the problem with religion, there’s lots of gray areas with everyone, even among people who attend the same church/temple/etc. So, sure this sounds good in theory but I still think that the reason why this is on the concessions list is because it’s difficult to nail down an exact match. Both the messenger and the receiver of the message have some coordination to work out.
@Liz – so young. so deep. so well stated.
fuzzy deez. hm…DOUBLE ENTENDRE DONT EVEN AXE ME HOW!
The most important aspect of religiosity in a potential is being a Christian by faith and action and not just a churchgoers on Sundays. So that means knowing your principles and sticking to them and not forcing your beliefs on others.
One of my disaster relationships was a dude that thought he was a better Christian than I was but half the stuff he said and did was shameful.
I’m not here to judge people on the gradations of their beliefs, or tell them what they should be looking for in a religious mate, nor was that my point. Maybe some women who have the religion requirement are totally cool with the guy who is faith with no actions, so long as he just believes in God or isn’t an athiest. Whatever your requirements are, they’re for you and you alone. I find it hard to believe one gender approaches religion entirely different from the other. The point is everyone is all over the map on whatever it is they believe, how they live their beliefs, etc. While it looks like women might be making concessions on religion, maybe it’s just difficult to get on the same page with your average potential suitor because there are so many varieties.
I agree. My comment was merely my own requirement.
Of all the “dealbreakers” listed, religious is the most complex one. Going too strict might prevent you from meeting someone you really connect with simply because he doesn’t fit your on paper requirements; going too lax might cause serious frustrations later down the road. Kids, employment, credit, leprosy are all things that are pretty apparent when you actually look for them. As a general rule, it’s better to have convos about serious things in life than asking what is your religion/denomination and figure is that what you agree with and could you live with those you don’t agree.
“While it looks like women might be making concessions on religion, maybe it’s just difficult to get on the same page with your average potential suitor because there are so many varieties.”
Exactly. Us guys who are looking at religion, and how it relates to a potential mate, can mess this up too… so I wouldn’t put it all on one gender. But a lot of times we (men and women) wrongly gauge someone’s religion or spirituality on the baseline notion of church attendance alone.
People talk about these so-called ‘predators’ at church but I think thats a copout some women just like to use( love yall tho. #ImJusSayin)
Most men, including myself, have an agenda, no matter where you meet them . There are no more “predators” in church than there are at the mall.
Umm I thought so too until I met one on my own. Not cool.
but really what would we use this as a copout for? lol. the one i met really had some issues and my calling him a predator on church going women doesn’t negate how crazy he is, nor does it provide any service for me. He was many things besides a church lady predator.
Well, I guess you know him better than I do Liz. lol. But it does seem like some(not all) women, and quicker to look for redflags from a dude they met in church than from a dude they met at Velvet Room. lol. But hey, im kinda young, so i dunno.
Well I must be an alien cause…just….no Panama
I’m hot…I know this (confident not cocky)
Besides that I’m a cool/good person. So I feel I deserve the opportunity to have a COMPLETELY fresh start with whomever I’m in a relationship with. Therefore, kids are a deal breaker. No exceptions. I’ve known this guy for years (since elementary school) and he’s convinced he’s been in love with me since. He’s attractive and smart and all BUT has a child. We have NEVER gone past friend status and never will.
A year ago I would’ve been all flip-floppy on religion but experience has taught me better. So no more exceptions in that area either.
Employment is debatable cause it depends on WHY he’s unemployed and if they prob will be rectified soon.
Ok, I’m done
@SimplisElegance – I’m hot…I know this (confident not cocky)
its okay to be cocky. i dont mind. especially since that confident to cockly line is real blurry.
but this comment is useless without (more) pictures (than your avatar). LOL.
you can’t Change folks, but you can influence ‘em…..man, this reminds me of my aunt prior to her being married She was always like I aint marryin’ nobody with kids blah,, then Fallen-Mya, with an amazing guy, who happend to have children from prior relationships, feels like a (Melanie”Medschool” Derwin situation) that are the spittin image of him….she knew of the 1st child and is a wonderful stepmom to him, but now that they are married, he and she found out about the 2nd child (pause…women why would u wait years later to confess you have a baby by a man)..but anyway should you hold the fact that someone has kids over them, or just settle/accept the fact that yeah they have kids, but…(babymamadaddy blended fam drama) but….
“(pause…women why would u wait years later to confess you have a baby by a man).”
My brother’s ex introduced my brother and his wife to his 16 year old son of whom he had no prior knowledge. How about that for a shocker?
@Caballeroso – there’s selfish, then there’s the type of sh*t you knock a ninja over a counter for.
that is the latter.
*snicker* like in the Family that Preys. Sanaa flew over the counter and kept on talkin…that’s b@lls
@Caballeroso – the mother of my uncle’s child was so bitter about him not marrying her (even though he financially supported their son) that she moved out of state and never my uncle see his son. Told him all kinds of mess about how bad he was that “junior” didn’t even reach out to my uncle as an adult. The point is, babymama didn’t even have the courtesy to call my uncle when their son DIED. He found out through the grapevine two years later (junior was 33 – i don’t know how he died)
Maybe she didn’t want to deal with the way he would react to that 16 years ago?
I admit to it being selfish, especially in regards to the kid… but I can see why a woman would do such a thing…
it takes 2 to tango, and I know of a lot of chidlren who grew up thinking that their father didn’t want them when it was the Deadbeat Mommas fault making up ish/etc about the childs fathers bc of her issues/bitterness etc,, that she Never told the man Hey Im pregnant, that chld grows up and resents the Dad that didn’t even know they existed or stayed away due to Crazybabymama, a lot of guys Want their children but don’t want to deal with the drama associated with being with their kids, which isn’t an excuse bc if you Love your child you’ll do what it takes to see ‘em, some guys want custody so they won’t have to pay child support depends on state, but all in all WEAR CONDOMS/Get BiRTHCONTROl if you don’t want kids