I don’t buy the whole shortage bit. Let’s start from there. Hot chicks have options. Period. But you can’t stop a woman from being a woman and if there’s one thing that all women specialize in it’s this:
Potential.
Once an interested woman sees potential in you to be…well whatever she deems you to be in her fantastical fantasy version of her life, she will find a way to keep you there – save for cheating, decapitating her pets and leaving the toilet seat up. This unyielding belief in men and our abilities often allows us the strength to keep holding on. Yes, you’ve got to keep, keep, keep, keep holding on.
This belief in potential is not without its downfalls. You see, women can be very full of sh*t. Some, not all, for those of you who are going to get your thong in a bunch. And here’s where the differences between men and women’s thought processes come into play. See a man is very rarely going to forego something that is very important to him. If he’s very adamant about dating a woman with a donk, he’s not going to date Backside Barn Betty. He just won’t.
If he doesn’t like smokers, he’s not going to date a woman that smokes. Period. Men want what men want. And women do too, until they can get past it. See, women are willing to look past nearly all of the important dealbreakers on their list if you bang ‘em out right they can see the potential in you. What’s interesting is how big some of these foregoances can be.
* sees hand raised *
You in the cheap seats.
Audience member: What do you mean oh big brother P almight-y?
Glad you asked padre. Here are some things that women will entirely look past because they are interested in you:
1) Kids
Can’t tell you how many women will tell you that they don’t want to date a man with a kid…until you tell them you have a kid. Then all of a sudden its “well, not 2 kids…wait, how many did you say you have because my cut off is whatever you said”. I saw this play out right before my very eyes with one of my best friends. I watched a chick back pedal from saying “no kids” to “well, I mean, I can deal with it if you can” in the matter of 3.7 seconds.
2) Religion
This actually happened to me more than a few times. After a little while of “getting to know you” convos (and because we’re Black), the how did you come up convo arises with the inevitable church background story. Many women will tell you they want a man to go to church with them every Sunday and help build them up spiritually, etc. Then you drop the, “yeah, well I don’t go to church and have no intention of doing so.” Without missing a beat, “well you do believe in God right? Because as long as that’s the case I’ll look past the fact that church really matters to me and you’d never go with me. I have cable.”
3) Employment
All women say they want a man with a job. Until they meet that jobless Idris Elba character who is a starving artist. Then all of a sudden ambition is more important than the financial manifestation of dollarage. Women love a man who can make ‘em weak in the knees from singing. And lucky enough guys like kneepad action so its a win win for everybody. Hmm…what was I talking about? Oh yes…
4) Living Situation
I know a woman who dated a man for a year and a half…WHILE HE LIVED WITH HIS EX. She swore she couldn’t believe she was doing this but she loved him so she would deal with it. ‘Scuse me waiter, I’ll take my crazy with a capital C, please.
5) Good credit
“It might not be the best credit ever, but at least I have some credit, baby”
“Oooooh Jerome St. Jerome, you right. The root word of bad credit and good credit is credit. And you got that. Oooooooh Can I get you a soda?”
I don’t know very many men who will say, I ain’t dating a woman with 2 kids who will end up dating a woman with 2 kids. Perhaps we’re more shallow. Or just more on that mellow mellow. Me no know, but I do see women making beaucoup concessions all the time. Maybe women just have really big hearts. Which is good since you can’t trust a big butt and a smile, naw that’s the old style.
Poison.
Anyway, do you make exceptions that you claim you’d never make? Do ya? Do ya???
Step in the name of love.
-VSB P aka THE ARSONIST aka VITAMIN P aka TANGLE JIG P aka GIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIRL HE A 3
sup!
SO close!!!!! *Sigh* Good job….. *Weakly throws E-Confetti*
say it…. SAY IT!! #noneyo. ; )
QUEENSBRIDGE! ..shout out to Dr. Katz (remember that show?)! Check my new hit single “First” coming out on Cheekie Records…Cheekie sat me down and told me all this would happen, but I didn’t believe her (Nicki Menaj). Cheekie predicted all of this and is a legend in the game (Yung Money!) *sees Andi throwing confetti and motions for her come up on stage and up to the podium* Thanks to the vampire VSS’s and VSB’s that taught me you gotta refresh….and if you on West Coast time, post the day before to even think about getting into the discussion. *getting verklempt* I gotta go….I’m sorry!*** *Leaving podium with entourage*
***(I combined Ron Artest victory interview with Nicki Menaj and Drake’s BET award speeches)
LMAO @ award speech and Dr. Katz.
Ahem. That’s Cheekie Minaj to you. V.I.P youcanhaveabeer.
amazing… brava.
!!!!!
@Andi – this is the most poignant response in the history of poignancy. such cadnor. such wit. the way you so surreptitiously used 5 exclamation points instead of a more traditional 4. its a bit moving actually. i’m verklempt.
there have been times when i’ve prayed to reach this level of enlightenment that you have so effortlessly achieved.
i salute you.
“i’m verklempt. ”
ha! haven’t heard that since SNL mike meyers
EEEK! This article hits home for SO many reasons. O.O
@Nicolllllleee – and thank you for pointing out each and every one of those reasons. i feel like i know you so much more than i did 10 minutes ago now.
anybody else need a cigarello?
Dutch Grape please *e-matches Panama*
haha, aka the ‘i can fix him’ syndrome.
Nearly all those things are explained by a womans obsession to ‘train’ an alright man into a good one. You can potentially ‘fix’ anything but kids.
And when you do successfully fix him, and he becomes the ‘good man of your dreams’, you will inevitably lose interest and ditch him for another broken man that is in dire need of your ‘fixing’.
The Diary of A Mad Enigmatic Wo-is me-man.
@santa monica – this “training” of men is more retarded than the love child of paris hilton and johnny knoxville. plus it assumes that women know what a good man even looks like. and given the track records and esteem issues of a lot of women we all apparently know, looks like they’re into training ike turner.
by the way, your piers are fantastic.
“haha, aka the ‘i can fix him’ syndrome. ”
Yeah, this needs to cease like fire, like yesterday. Trying to change a man…even if somewhat successful will either cause eventual tension between you two (he’ll resent you for pressuring him and not appreciating who he is or some ish)…or your changing job will be TOO successful, causing him to leave you for a higher ranked woman. lol
Seriously, don’t try to change folks. If you needed to change him…you didn’t want HIM.
And after all that hard work that you put into “fixing” said man,
Let us not forget that a Great poet once said:
“And when he gets on, He leaves your ass for a white girl”
– Kanye
So feeling this…I have my “particularities” and I do not deviate from them at all for any lady/woman/female. If it means I’m a permanent bachelor, so be it. My name’s not Miles Standish, so I’m not a good settler.
@B. Brown – two pilgrim references in one day on VSB. that has to be a first. hell, that might be a first on ANY site not devoted to pilgrims.
by the way, your mayflower game is vicious.
LOL I’m mad at you for calling me out!!!! i’m already guilty of #1. let me get back to reading
Hmm…ok it was a short post today.
i’m not budging on #2, I’m not deadset on a man that goes to church every Sunday and serves as an usher (although I’m active in my church), but if you straight up tell me you ain’t going or you are a CME (Christmas, Mothers Day, Easter) member…we ain’t gonna work.
#3. Can’t budge on this either…you gonna need a job. i have a girlfriend that met a guy and started dating him while he was unemployed, granted he was employable and his company had simply downsized…he’s working now…they’ve been together around 2 yrs. guess she made your point…anywho…my man needs a job
#4 also not compromising…i’ve been approached by 2 men that had live in girlfriends (one was a baby mama)…not ok by any means. Both tried the “its complicated story” if you don’t have enough balls and/or money to leave the women you claim its over with, you’re not the one for me.
#5 I’m not really a stickler on this…as long as you don’t have everythang in yo mamma’s name. Mannie Fresh But seriously you can’t be a bad money manager but i’m not going around checking credit scores….til the premartial counseling anyway
SN: lol at the BBD tag…just saw them Saturday and Poison was what everybody was waiting for. They put on a show too.
@OftConfrused – i think as women get older, #1 becomes less and less important. a 24 year old chick has no business dating a dude with kids b/c hell she’s still a kid herself. the idea of responsibility and maturity is often at odds and more glamourous than the actual practice of having to be responsible.
@Panama”the idea of responsibility and maturity is often at odds and more glamourous than the actual practice of having to be responsible.”
Very well said!
@Often_Confused
I am shocked you wouldnt talk to a man who lost his job due to downsizing in this economy provided he was employable. Ish happens.
@coldsweat. I feel you and I agree. It’s hard sometimes especially now. My main problem is if youre unemployed maubevyour first priority needs to be finding a job not courting me. My friend in the above post meet this dude online and he’d been unemployed for almost a year (18 months total). I dunno if I was unemployed I’d be worrying about getting a new job, not starting a relationship.
Secondly, I think I’m holding on to the fact that my ex(husband that is) couldn’t keep a job. Romance w/o finance is a nuisance.
lol @ the school daze ref.
@superlurker – yeah i saw black people today and thought to myself, black people like school daze.
it was a natural connection, dontchaknow.
#2 gets me all the time. But that may be because i struggle with my own church attendance at times lol.
EDIT:
I think within any religion there’s like gradations of what you do, and what you’re looking for in a mate. For example, I could say, “I need a man who is a Christian and nothing else” but he could be a Christian who never goes to church. I’m sure there are plenty of those. but then I could also say, “hey I need a Christian man who goes to church every Sunday.” but then we all know there can be some “predatory” men up in churches preying (see what I did there?) on church wimmens. Sure, he fits the church attendance requirement, but hes a wolf in sheep’s clothing. Or more likely, maybe he’s just showing up to church out of duty not because he really wants and enjoys being there.
I think number 2 is often made an exception for because religion is fuzzy to many, and there’s lots of wiggle room for the woman to define what she wants, and for a man to slip in and out of her definition. Unlike the other items on your list, you either have a job or don’t, you either have a kid or you don’t, you either have bad credit or you don’t, etc. Religion isn’t so cut and dry. All that to say, I don’t think this one really belongs on the list in this context. Ha.
Personally, I’ve grown out of saying I want a woman who “goes to church.” Here, in the bible belt, church is almost something you just do. People just go to church because of tradition, fear, etc.
So now I just say I want a Christian woman who tries her best to live what she believes. Now action is a reflection of belief, and church attendance is an “action.” But I’m looking more so at her actions outside of church that reflect her beliefs.
@SouthernCharm
I co-sign One hunnit percent with that statement!
I cosign your cosign.
perfectly stated
So now I just say I want a Christian woman who tries her best to live what she believes. Now action is a reflection of belief, and church attendance is an “action.” But I’m looking more so at her actions outside of church that reflect her beliefs.
@SouthernCharm: and let the church sayyyy…
“Here, in the bible belt, church is almost something you just do. People just go to church because of tradition, fear, etc. ”
Exactly. I appreciate the open mind. I mean, of course, there are also people that go to church because they love it. But, what a lot of people who are so stringent on their mate going to church should understand is that my relationship with God is no weaker because I don’t attend services than yours is because you do. I admire the commitment, but there’s not only one way to have a firm relationship with Him. I mean, Christians believe God’s an omnipresence right? There ya go.
lol sorry, had to get that out. I’m free. I’m like a bird. Nelly Furtado.
How is she doing these days?
in the South a lotta people go to church just cus’/tradition and some for other motives…amen!!..goin to church doesn’t make you a christian anymore than standing in your garage makes you a car” yeah attendance is cool, but Some of the most ridiculous scandalous things happen at church …basically actions speak louder than words
PREACH!!!
Hmm. the interesting thing about your point is that wanting to be with a “woman who tries her best to live what she believes” is open to interpretation. Specifically, her interpretation of her bliefs and how she chooses to live them, and then your interpretation of that (or rather, what you deem acceptable enough for you). Much like the problem with religion, there’s lots of gray areas with everyone, even among people who attend the same church/temple/etc. So, sure this sounds good in theory but I still think that the reason why this is on the concessions list is because it’s difficult to nail down an exact match. Both the messenger and the receiver of the message have some coordination to work out.
@Liz – so young. so deep. so well stated.
fuzzy deez. hm…DOUBLE ENTENDRE DONT EVEN AXE ME HOW!
The most important aspect of religiosity in a potential is being a Christian by faith and action and not just a churchgoers on Sundays. So that means knowing your principles and sticking to them and not forcing your beliefs on others.
One of my disaster relationships was a dude that thought he was a better Christian than I was but half the stuff he said and did was shameful.
I’m not here to judge people on the gradations of their beliefs, or tell them what they should be looking for in a religious mate, nor was that my point. Maybe some women who have the religion requirement are totally cool with the guy who is faith with no actions, so long as he just believes in God or isn’t an athiest. Whatever your requirements are, they’re for you and you alone. I find it hard to believe one gender approaches religion entirely different from the other. The point is everyone is all over the map on whatever it is they believe, how they live their beliefs, etc. While it looks like women might be making concessions on religion, maybe it’s just difficult to get on the same page with your average potential suitor because there are so many varieties.
I agree. My comment was merely my own requirement.
Of all the “dealbreakers” listed, religious is the most complex one. Going too strict might prevent you from meeting someone you really connect with simply because he doesn’t fit your on paper requirements; going too lax might cause serious frustrations later down the road. Kids, employment, credit, leprosy are all things that are pretty apparent when you actually look for them. As a general rule, it’s better to have convos about serious things in life than asking what is your religion/denomination and figure is that what you agree with and could you live with those you don’t agree.
“While it looks like women might be making concessions on religion, maybe it’s just difficult to get on the same page with your average potential suitor because there are so many varieties.”
Exactly. Us guys who are looking at religion, and how it relates to a potential mate, can mess this up too… so I wouldn’t put it all on one gender. But a lot of times we (men and women) wrongly gauge someone’s religion or spirituality on the baseline notion of church attendance alone.
People talk about these so-called ‘predators’ at church but I think thats a copout some women just like to use( love yall tho. #ImJusSayin)
Most men, including myself, have an agenda, no matter where you meet them . There are no more “predators” in church than there are at the mall.
Umm I thought so too until I met one on my own. Not cool.
but really what would we use this as a copout for? lol. the one i met really had some issues and my calling him a predator on church going women doesn’t negate how crazy he is, nor does it provide any service for me. He was many things besides a church lady predator.
Well, I guess you know him better than I do Liz. lol. But it does seem like some(not all) women, and quicker to look for redflags from a dude they met in church than from a dude they met at Velvet Room. lol. But hey, im kinda young, so i dunno.
Well I must be an alien cause…just….no Panama
I’m hot…I know this (confident not cocky)
Besides that I’m a cool/good person. So I feel I deserve the opportunity to have a COMPLETELY fresh start with whomever I’m in a relationship with. Therefore, kids are a deal breaker. No exceptions. I’ve known this guy for years (since elementary school) and he’s convinced he’s been in love with me since. He’s attractive and smart and all BUT has a child. We have NEVER gone past friend status and never will.
A year ago I would’ve been all flip-floppy on religion but experience has taught me better. So no more exceptions in that area either.
Employment is debatable cause it depends on WHY he’s unemployed and if they prob will be rectified soon.
Ok, I’m done
@SimplisElegance – I’m hot…I know this (confident not cocky)
its okay to be cocky. i dont mind. especially since that confident to cockly line is real blurry.
but this comment is useless without (more) pictures (than your avatar). LOL.
you can’t Change folks, but you can influence ‘em…..man, this reminds me of my aunt prior to her being married She was always like I aint marryin’ nobody with kids blah,, then Fallen-Mya, with an amazing guy, who happend to have children from prior relationships, feels like a (Melanie”Medschool” Derwin situation) that are the spittin image of him….she knew of the 1st child and is a wonderful stepmom to him, but now that they are married, he and she found out about the 2nd child (pause…women why would u wait years later to confess you have a baby by a man)..but anyway should you hold the fact that someone has kids over them, or just settle/accept the fact that yeah they have kids, but…(babymamadaddy blended fam drama) but….
“(pause…women why would u wait years later to confess you have a baby by a man).”
My brother’s ex introduced my brother and his wife to his 16 year old son of whom he had no prior knowledge. How about that for a shocker?
@Caballeroso – there’s selfish, then there’s the type of sh*t you knock a ninja over a counter for.
that is the latter.
*snicker* like in the Family that Preys. Sanaa flew over the counter and kept on talkin…that’s b@lls
@Caballeroso – the mother of my uncle’s child was so bitter about him not marrying her (even though he financially supported their son) that she moved out of state and never my uncle see his son. Told him all kinds of mess about how bad he was that “junior” didn’t even reach out to my uncle as an adult. The point is, babymama didn’t even have the courtesy to call my uncle when their son DIED. He found out through the grapevine two years later (junior was 33 – i don’t know how he died)
Maybe she didn’t want to deal with the way he would react to that 16 years ago?
I admit to it being selfish, especially in regards to the kid… but I can see why a woman would do such a thing…
it takes 2 to tango, and I know of a lot of chidlren who grew up thinking that their father didn’t want them when it was the Deadbeat Mommas fault making up ish/etc about the childs fathers bc of her issues/bitterness etc,, that she Never told the man Hey Im pregnant, that chld grows up and resents the Dad that didn’t even know they existed or stayed away due to Crazybabymama, a lot of guys Want their children but don’t want to deal with the drama associated with being with their kids, which isn’t an excuse bc if you Love your child you’ll do what it takes to see ‘em, some guys want custody so they won’t have to pay child support depends on state, but all in all WEAR CONDOMS/Get BiRTHCONTROl if you don’t want kids
I didn’t make any exceptions cause my list only included character traits and how I wanted tobe treated
Iwas young and fresh outta college so nothing else really mattered.
I was always open to whatever if you approached me right, treated me with respect and had goals and humble work ething
It all falls into place
But
The only reason men don’t make exceptions is cause they don’t have standards
And men with standards except all the dayum time. Its why their girls wish lists and jump offs look nothing
Like their girlfriends/wives.
–And men with standards except all the dayum time. Its why their girls wish lists and jump offs look nothing
Like their girlfriends/wives.–
Cosign
–I don’t know very many men who will say, I ain’t dating a woman with 2 kids who will end up dating a woman with 2 kids.–
I do… because they valued some other factor more. Like… a donk.
“I do… because they valued some other factor more. Like… a donk”
^True. If it is mandatory and you bent the rule you are hurting yourself. But if it was something you were flexible on anyway, you are being “realistic”.
“I do… because they valued some other factor more. Like… a donk.”
Only men I kno who make a compromise like that are only looking for one thing anyway.. To quote Lauryn Hill.. “That Thing”
This is true.
When I was younger, I did make some exceptions. One being with this fly Eritrean chick who smoked. I despise cigarettes (smoke)…with a passion, but still made the exception and we hung out a bit. Once the deed was done and it was wack, there was no longer a need to torture myself with the second hand smoke. I guess I should’ve taken the smoking as a sign to not mess with her at all, but hey, I was younger then. Lesson learned.
@RemTheMulatto – right. aint no man gonna wife no chick with 2 kids b/c she’s got a donk. he’ll hit it and quit it. or continue to hit it until she wants more and he’s like…unless more = d*ck then im out.
welcome and sh*t btw
I beg to differ…I have seen men marry women with multiple children…by multiple men (even 5 kids, 2 dads) cuz of the donk (I’m sure there is more, but when you are a female version of OchoCinco w/a dunk, I cannot fathom another reason).
@shay-d-lady – i stopped school in 3rd grade but i dont see how this: And men with standards except all the dayum time. Its why their girls wish lists and jump offs look nothing
Like their girlfriends/wives.
actually means men make exceptions. men dont even acknowledge most of our jumpoffs b/c they’re just that. you all make exceptions looking at somebody you can see a future with. dudes see kids and think “well at least i know she’s f*cking” not, i could be that kids daddy someday.
“dudes see kids and think “well at least i know she’s f*cking”
WHOA!
I think the same of dudes!
thats so wrong!
I don’t think it’s as cut and dry as you think. Take a poll of your married male friends and see how many married their “type.” If you look at the women I dated and then look at the woman I married, they are completely different physically. I’ve always preferred thicker women, but ended up marrying a track star with a dancer’s body.
@Classic
This happens often! I have seen it. This is why I stopped having “types” myself!
I’m just gonna randomly blame Panama for me not being first and move on to the next one…
Anyhow:
“Anyway, do you make exceptions that you claim you’d never make? Do ya? Do ya???”
Yeah, we all do. That’s called real life. It ain’t black and white (and Sammy Sosa’s color). It’s gray and ish.
And BESIDES,
If we didn’t make these exceptions and didn’t give a nicca a chance. where they hell would ya’ll be? So…whether we full of sh*t or not, y’all changing our diapers. What that insane analogy means is that ya’ll embracing it. Ya’ll love it. Because dudes complain all the time how we don’t give brothas a chance…WTF…we always giving chances. We give more chances than an orange Monopoly card.
And the above post proves it. I don’t wanna hear the opposite again.
#cheekieafterdark
cosign! orange monopoly card & sammy sosa michael jackson esque skin change
Truth. In some cases we have made too many exceptions and in others we haven’t made enough according to some men. The lesson is NOT to budge on something that is mandatory for you and be prepared for the Universe to test your resolve.
@Cheekie – oh ye of much benevolence, cry me a river. if y’all didnt make exceptions we’d just go find some other chick who would. all it takes is one. and there’s ALWAYS one.
“oh ye of much benevolence, cry me a river. if y’all didnt make exceptions we’d just go find some other chick who would. all it takes is one. and there’s ALWAYS one.”
I’ll cry you a brook instead.
I know there’s always one…point is, there’s more than one. About 87% to be exact. Yeah, that’s a random made-up statistic, yet still fact. Most of us do it…so fellas? Quit the “you don’t give brothas a chance!” whining.
@Cheekie
It’s hard to discuss this without generalizing, but i’ll do so for convo purposes.
I think what guys mean when we say “sistas don’t give guys a chance…” can be more accurstely stated as, “…sistas don’t give “the right” guys a chance…” Again, HUGE generalization there, but still. I (and most guys) have seen sistas overlook things about a dude that should be red flag issues and give them a chance. But then sistas will, in the same breathe, totally shut down a decent cat over a trivial issue that is either easily changed or not that big of a deal in the first play. And maybe guys do it too. But then again guys don’t generally complain as much about not being able to find a good catch.
To your point though, I think we all compromise as well. I just don’t believe guys are as tolerant of sh*t that we can’t accept about a woman. And I don’t think that makes us shallow or rigid…but it DOES make us consistent if nothing else.
“I think what guys mean when we say “sistas don’t give guys a chance…” can be more accurstely stated as, “…sistas don’t give “the right” guys a chance…” Again, HUGE generalization there, but still. I (and most guys) have seen sistas overlook things about a dude that should be red flag issues and give them a chance. But then sistas will, in the same breathe, totally shut down a decent cat over a trivial issue that is either easily changed or not that big of a deal in the first play. And maybe guys do it too. But then again guys don’t generally complain as much about not being able to find a good catch. ”
Hmm, good point. That’s true on many occasions.
And yeah, they don’t complain about the non good catches. They don’t even have to.
I’m scared too because I’m in the same boat
good women are rare too, none of them have come close
Drake
can’t knock a woman for trusting in good ol’ potential…reminds me of the poem by Jessica Care Moore…titled “I’m in Love with Potential”…all women do it.
i heart JCM. and that poem hits the nail on the head.
it’s sad but true. all of it. *holds heart in pain…
i think how much a woman is willing to compromise depends on how strong she is within her self (or isnt) and how long she’s been single. loneliness can make you see things that aren’t really there. like water in a desert. mirage.
part of it also is that we are told not to be so picky. if we all strive for tall, dark, handsome, good chex, good credit, good job, good abode, good whip..many many many of us (esp the 4.5′s and under) would end up cat ladies eating tuna out of the can. we’re told in a myriad of media areas ‘not to lower our standards’ but to ‘be more flexible’ #nokamasutra. when in fact, the 2 are pretty much damn well the same thing.
i know for me, my self-esteem and confidence ebbs and flows like waves of the ocean – some days/weeks im a sexy muther-shutchomouth, others i feel like if i didn’t consider the dude with no job and a metropass, the only love i’d get is from men who no speaka de english and the barefoot bandit. or OJ Simpson. oh wait..he’s already taken.
and since we already know that women like/crave/think about/discuss/watch chex as much as men do, sometimes we make those exceptions for the big D #nocowboys – with the intention of it being a one or seven night stand and it turns into a relationship cuz the dude grew on us.
look, i know who i am and know who i aint (so damn frank) and while im not an ugmo, im def not SFG/e-boo worthy. i’ve dated older/younger, tall/short, fit/fat, rich/notsorich/broke, educated/drugdealing a$$hole, canadians/americans, westindians/africans…i’ve tried to keep my eyes open. i’ve made compromises and exceptions. and ended up broke, heartbroken and left to sleep in the detroit bus terminal at 1am.
and yet, still i rise. as i get older, i realize the biggest favor i can do is to be honest with myself about what i want. there are somethings that are make or break. there are somethings you are willing to negotiate #nosamjackson. does this make me stupid or a glutton for punishment. only time will tell i suppose.
in the end, you have to live with you. if you can sleep at night with the choices you made, that’s all you can ask for. well, that and hoping that the choices you made dont blow up in your face.
Great post!
…well that was long. lol
nah, i kid. good comment.
@Muze, well if i can’t be first, i will be the longest dagnammit.
@Keisha Brown
“tions. and ended up broke, heartbroken and left to sleep in the detroit bus terminal at 1am.”
What’s sad is that a lot of women from Canada and other parts of the U.S. have had similar experiences dealing with Detroit men. A lot dudes ruined it for me when I went out of town.
@humble_one
yeah.. after that i vowed never to step foot again in the city of detroit. i eventually got over it, but um.. yeah..me and dudes from that city = no mas.
PREACH! The mere mention of that city sparks a vicious rant, so let me take a few deep breaths before I go off on a TMI tangent. *whoo sah*
@Brandy: what is VSB for if nothing else a TMI tangent.
I wonder what is is about Detroit fellas. @Humble_one..any ideas/insight?
@Brandy
I don’t know where you are from but I’m pretty sure I know your story. Dudes here have ished on chics all over the place. Although I am from Detroit I can’t condone what some of these dudes do when they go OT.
@Keisha Brown
“I wonder what is is about Detroit fellas. @Humble_one..any ideas/insight?”
From what I see men and some women here really don’t know how to deal with people on a honest level. In Detroit everyone is in survival mode and always trying to get over on someone or something. When I went OT I was shocked at how cool and down the earth the women were. I was thrown off by it at first but it was a breath of fresh air and I appreciated it. A lot of men here see being ‘cool’ and ‘down to earth’ as a green light to get over on you. They don’t think “she is cool so I don’t want to ish on her” they think “she is cool and I can do what I want to do to her. If she gets ished on too bad she should have stopped me”. Dudes here can talk slick and fast and if you aren’t use to it they will get you.
What’s sad is that a lot of women from Canada and other parts of the U.S. have had similar experiences dealing with Detroit men. A lot dudes ruined it for me when I went out of town.
That statement cracked me up because you as a Detroit native were able to admit that. I know I would probably say the same thing about ninjas from Dallas.
@ComicBookGuy
The reputation is out there. I’ve tried to talk to women from Toronto, New Jersey, New York, and a few Southern states. When I approached them it was all good. They asked where I’m from, I say Detroit, end of conversation.
@Humble_One,
Damn, son. It’s like that? My boys from college that were from the D were actually pretty cool. That’s crazy.
@keisha brown – this post was like a motivational speech, a concession speech, and a pop culture lesson in crime, urban decay, and twitter talk.
i’m moved to action and want to sleep it all away.
hold me.
@PJ: awww..
*hold arms wide open. creed.
LMAO @ urban decay. and yes, definitely crime. when i came back from Det and told my girls what happened, they were more angry and were ready to grab pitchforks and murder the man. They were more angry than I was.
“and yet, still i rise.”
Like the blood pressure of a Black woman eating pork.
So, um…in other words…great post up there! *dap*
The Truest Comment wrote in this Post….Tupac.
Kids, religion, and employment are three things that i cannot look over credit is different cause if said suitor is gainfully employed he can nip that little credit problem in the bud.
Religion is a definite deal breaker it would just cause way to many arguments for the relationship to last.
Kids, I.Just,Can’t. I really can’t see myself being responsible directly or indirectly for a man’s child seeing i had no part in the conception. I’m going through a situation like this right now. dude is saying he want to be with me and all that but all i hear him saying is he has a bad kid, baby mama drama, and child support checks to write.
@afrolista – and yet despite what you’re telling us about your inability to do kids…you keep listening to what he has to say huh?
touche PJ touche. What can i say listening to him talk about how much he likes me is an ego boost #kanyeshrug
I’ve never made and exceptions to my rule. ::chokes on water from the lie just told::
**cough..cough**
Ok, maybe once…on the kids thing…and the sex wasn’t even that good. Small paynus doesn’t make the world go around. Proved to be a big mistake. HUGE. Pretty Woman.
@Chocl8t – so how long did you stay around?
About 8 or 9 months.
I am guilty of 1&2. Sad, but true women like me are easily influence and view the “potential” factor and men will stick to their guns. I learned from the same man who I am guilty of 1&2 that I will not be easily influenced. This post sounded just like him…scary.
@Casarae – you’re easily influenced but moving forward you shall not be moved!
well go on with your bad self sista girl.
@PJ and all VSB’s
My question is why do men not settle? are you really that cocky? do y’all believe the “numbers”? do you really believe the “perfect” woman is out there? is it that y’all are enjoying the Ms. RightNows while looking for the Ms. Right?
Anyway, I agree that potential gets women in trouble all the time, as soon as we see you’re a “good” guy, a “nice” guy, fine, can lay the pipe whatever…we go on a “well….ne…..” tangent. Its sad, VSS’s we must stop this.
I **Sigh*** because i’m guilty. I think my problem is i really don’t believe in the perfect guy…I’m more of an 80/20 thinker…so i can comprise on kids as long as your a good father (and there isn’t a slew of them–4 kids and 4 baby mammas is a character flaw).
Alright Good Nite…i’ll check back in the morning
Re: 1st paragraph…none of the above: I just know myself well enough to know that if I settle it’s not going to work. A large part of that comes from experience. FTR, it’s not going to work if she settles either. I fail to see the point of starting something when someone already has a strike. I don’t even have that many dealbreakers; I can only think of two offhand. However, I will never date anyone who falls in one of those two categories. One of them will likely keep me single forever, and I’m cool with that.
I think, to answer the question more generally, that men may have fewer dealbreakers than women. Assuming that to be the case, men probably dig their heels in deeper on said dealbreakers (which I believe was part of the point Panama was making). For us to have a dealbreaker that would exclude possibly very beautiful (like #4 from last week beautiful) women, it has to be serious. If we give up “8s, 9s, and dimes”, like T.I. said, the reason has to be something serious.
I feel the 80/20 thing, but not all attributes carry the same weight and minuses are a mug. How one characterizes the 80 and the 20 is important. It’s somewhat like the SAT with the penalty for being wrong. If she’s 85% of what I want but has minuses, then I’ll pass because the minuses are so costly.
I don’t think I’m “that guy”, but I’d simply rather not waste her (or my) time if I see that something is wrong at the beginning.
Thanks for the reply. I feel you, no point in wasting your (everybodys) time if you know you can’t deal. I also really liked your SAT analogy. Im going to use that.
Oh and I agree women probably have more dealbreakers but they’re probably half fluff to start with so we often falter more on the “list”. I’ve berb working on defining my list into true dealbreakers and simply preferences.
I’m also curious about your two , please share
I already see why I should look more closely at what I write late at night. Really, my two are more 1A and 1B…although I could pass them off as being separate through the reasons they’re dealbreakers for me. The simpler one to explain is that I won’t date a smoker. It’s just a nasty habit, and I’ve never known a smoker whose environment (person, residence, car, etc.) that didn’t smell of smoke.
The other is that I will not date someone who drinks. At all. That’s the one that will keep me single forever, as I don’t know a VSS who doesn’t drink. Seeing how it’s affected my parents’ relationship, I decided I’d rather not even deal with the possibility. I tried dating someone who drinks once and it really unnerved me. May very well be subconsciously programmed to have that preference. I seriously doubt I could ever give it up (I refuse to call it a standard because it isn’t one) even if I wanted to. One of the good things about having that preference is that it comes up really early on since drinking is such a sociable activity.
I’m not saying drinking is bad (I obviously know a lot of wonderful people who drink), nor am I placing any kind of value judgment on it. I just know it doesn’t work for me.
I also co-sign with everything Dave said. I know the drinking thing isn’t necessarily “reasonable” or “mature”, but it is what it is.
Wow! I am shocked that you can’t find a VSS that doesn’t drink. But maybe not since I stopped going to bars and clubs with friends because I don’t drink and they look at me like I have two heads or something when I ask the bartender for tap water. I don’t mind them drinking because it provides me with entertainment. Sometimes they act like a fool (which is why I never found the appeal of drinking/being high). I like to be in control of myself as much as possible and I don’t like the taste of alcohol plus I am frugal (it costs too much to drink hence the request for tap water). So, I don’t see the point in me drinking just to fit in. Either I am one of a kind or you need to venture out more and look for women in different places.
tap water though??? yeck. prolly need a couple shots of vodka just to kill all the germs and nastiness in that unfiltered water…get checked out.
While none of my friends are really drinkers, the only person who doesn’t/won’t drink is a friend who is recovered from a drinking problem during her party girl/early twenties stage…as soon as those DUI’s are gone, perhaps I can hook you two up!!??
@ B.Brown Interesting 1b. I see this becoming an increasing problem. As I know many VSSs that didn’t start drinking until mid-late 20s, but can’t think of many who don’t drink at all. I didn’t start and could certainly stop.
I was going to state there’s a difference between a drinker and a woman who has a glass of wines with the girls at a Bday dinner, but I read your reasoning and saw no point, plus you know what you want and who am I to dissuade you. **shrug**
I don’t know a VSS who doesn’t drink.
I have a girlfriend who doesn’t drink!!!! And she’s forever being told she is a killjoy. You two could be a match made in heaven!!
Great questions O.C.
I am not settling on the woman who could possibly be my life partner. There is to much at stake and in my estimation, too much I could possibly lose. I have been told by women I know/dated that I am tough and that when I find something that does not fit what I am looking for I am out. They are right. For all I know I get one shot at this life thing and who I spend that time with and how they work with my complexities, desires, and at times difficult but influenceable personality is important to me. It has nothing to do with the numbers because a surplus does not mean an overstock in what I want in my life. My deal breakers are deal breakers for a reason. I have dated many many women at this point….enough to have evidence that certain things a woman could bring to the table will not work with me in a serious, and if I spot those things 4 weeks or 4 years into the relationship (women are good at hiding the things they think might be crazy to you) I am out, especially if the woman is not trying to fix it or be real about it. I’m fair….I let every woman I date know what my deal breakers are up front in the first few dates – possibly date one – depending on how the conversation goes. I let them know how I feel about marriage and sex and anything else that matters to me up front. Why? I never want to be called a “user” or “game player” and thus I am obsessed with doing what must be done to keep any woman from saying I wasted her time. So I get to all things important to me early and if my deal breaker alert goes off I disappear never to be heard from again. Why? Time is precious and if I get married I want it to last for my life time. No do-overs for me or I’d rather not do it. Honestly I do not ask for much that is not reasonable or mature. And if you can handle the few things I ask for (really the list is less than 5)…..none of the women I have called “girlfriend” can say I did not love, value, influence, and support them publicly or in private like any man ever did before or after. Bet on that. But love and affection is the easy part for me and if the other things are not there I’m out. Harsh? I am not sure (I am taking a break from dating to be self-reflective and figure this all out) but I am willing to deal with the consequences (if there are any) of having my standards and I will blame no one but myself if I end up old and alone.
Honestly, I do not want any woman to settle on me. I am a man that believes that a woman should never settle for anything less than what she can live with and love. Otherwise she is more likely to fall for the fantasies that can be sold by a prospective suitor who arrives right on time and brings those things to the table. The man that sells the best fantasy usually wins. The fact that women do feel compelled to settle increases the likelihood they will be disappointed and bag ladies. If I am your second choice go have the 2010s to chase your first prize. My ego IS big and frankly it should be so if you really feel like you should settle down with Mr. Bougie WallStreet Swindle or whoever, get ‘em gurl! Here’s the catcher: Don’t blame me or any other man or group of men for not being what you want if you do not find what you seek. I say that because I live by it.
@Dave: i was going to copy the phrases you wrote that i wanted to co-sign on..then realized it would have been the whole thing.
so…
x__keisha brown___
@Dave.
Great comment. I think it’s funny that my girlfriends accuse me of thinking like a guy when my sentiments reflect the things that you said. What I laugh at is that the same girls who take issue with my thinking are the same ones who have been swindled by dishonesty or made exceptions for people that proved not to be worthy in the end.
No one knows me better than me. My deal breakers are in place because I know what I can and can’t deal with. No matter how “great” the guy is, I can easily be off them when I recognize something that just won’t work for me. Chicks can’t understand how I can pass up such great guys, but I have to remind them that while they are great…they aren’t great for me. I know what’s annerving to me. It’s not fair for me to waist their time or waste my own. Plus, when great guys are your standard, you don’t have to fear not settling for deal breakers…the one for you is out there.
do I know you?? Soul mate?
this was completely on point. Nothing wrong with what you’ve said at all.
Except, many times we really need to assess if the reason we have decided these dealbreakers break the deal is really sound. Hate to send miss 99% on her way, only 5 years later to find that the 1% was based upon something superficial and only relative to that period of time in your life. Idk.
great comment!
“Except, many times we really need to assess if the reason we have decided these dealbreakers break the deal is really sound. Hate to send miss 99% on her way, only 5 years later to find that the 1% was based upon something superficial and only relative to that period of time in your life. Idk.”
I think these things are the “deal breakers” that comprise those impossible and really long lists. If you are 99% but you wear rubber bottom flip flops (something I can’t deal with), then I can get over that
removing them from your closet and replacing them with a nice leather pair, but if your 1% is a character flaw like I need Google to verify anything that you say…you can get gone.Much like Keisha Brown I realized that I would have copied your entire post.
But this –> It has nothing to do with the numbers because a surplus does not mean an overstock in what I want in my life. does not get mentioned often enough.
I agree with B. Brown for the most part…our list of dealbreakers aren’t usually as lengthy as women’s.
Personally, I’ve always hated when I felt like a woman was trying to “change” me. Although dating some older women helped in maturing me quicker when it came to certain things (upgrading me, in a way), I’ve always hated the notion of someone not accepting me as I am and trying to change me, as most men (people) do. With that said and knowing how that felt, I’ve never been the one to seek someone with ‘potential’ just so I can change them because that’s not what I want done to me.
“My question is why do men not settle? are you really that cocky? do y’all believe the “numbers”?”
what b. brown said about us not having as many deal-breakers (but being more stringent about the ones we do have) is (mostly) true.
i’d also add that (i think) biology and socialization combine to give (most) men a certain level of reproductive confidence. (many if not most) men believe that they’re getting “better” with age, while (too many) women consider themselves to be depreciating assets. its that internal pressure that makes women overlook certain things, and it’s that (relative) lack of internal pressure that gives men the confidence to be a bit more discerning.
this (partially) explains why some professional dimes think they’ll never find a man, but even a guy living in his aunt’s basement thinks that if he gets his sh*t together (or not), he’ll be able to pull an attractive woman
@OftConfrused – great responses from those dudes. mine is more simpler. the idea of settling has literally never crossed my mind. any woman i’m with i’m with b/c i think she’s the bees knees.
i dont have to settle. i’m panama jackson.
bees knees!!!! <3
So….basically you ARE that cocky. Lol
No, he just happens to love the women he dates/”girlfriends”(use as a verb)…
I don’t think I ever settled on a guy I dated as well… Maybe because I don’t have a “deal breakers” list per se… I know what and who I can’t deal with, and I don’t deal with it. When I am dating you, you are my bees knees until you aren’t… and I move on.
“My question is why do men not settle? ”
They don’t have to. There’s more of us.
exactly!
WOW at this list…lmao Mostly because I’ve made exceptions to all of these at some point in the past (ahhh the early to mid 20′s), except the religion one. I can’t be dating a heathen. *snickering*
I can’t be dating a heathen. *snickering*
Lol….Alright Aunt Esther…
You made hollar…..I started remembering Woodrow and everything…
“Come OOONNNN SUCKA!!!”
“I can’t be dating a heathen. *snickering*”
This is my face right nah: O_____________________O
Oh, wait…didn’t ya’ll have the Texas VSB thang? I’m late ain’t I? How was it???
Our early twenties are the times to live life and experience it in all its
harshnesslushness.And completely dead @ heaven… Bwahahaha!
Because I’m emotional and deep and sh*t, I tend to get caught up in that deep “potential.” Like the “you’re just an
subparaverage joe now, but you have potential for GREATNESS…let me inspire you.”Ick, I’m too old for that mess. Learning to keep it moving…either the greatness (or paycheck/sunday suit/750 credit score) is there or it’s not.
@TheCapriciousD – .” Like the “you’re just an subpar average joe now, but you have potential for GREATNESS…let me inspire you.”
imagine if we used all that enegy towards crackhead alleviation. the hood would be empty tomorrow.
Absolutely. Property value in SE DC would triple overnight. I’ll work on channelling…
This post was hilarious. I once (and i mean once) dated a guy that let me know he was raised a J Witness. He wasnt shy or timid. Talk about unequally yoked and throwin the spirituality to the side…I overlooked that because of the immediate relief I felt from not having to guess what a brotha was thinking. What i soon discovered was that he had a foul mouth. Big time. More than the funniest under-paid comedian. I also overlooked the obsessive swearing. In the beginning, he got a pass. But after some dates the conversations went bad. Like, “WHAT did you just say? That’s my ____ you’re talkin ’bout-what? You dont GIVE a fcuk?…hmmm….That’s right, you never did.” Couldnt take him anywhere. That was over immediately after. I’d like to add that while I knew his foul mouth had nothing to do with him being a JW (because i know of some foul mouthed gospel singers that curse out their background singers/choir before a show), there simply was no future with that dude. I overlooked some major no-nos.
@Mari – Jehovah’s Witnesses are notoriously frank or something? is that in their doctrine?
I recently turned 26 but for a couple years I did have a rule that I’d never date someone under 22. Then one night I met this 21yo who embodied all the things I was attracted to at the time. And I gave in. It only lasted a month, but damn was it a good month. . .
Anyway, yeah, now the rule is no dating anyone under 23. Though hopefully I’m out of that game for good.
*Note, this was a physical embodiment of things I was attracted to at the time. . .
Yeah…I did the same when I turned 30…but that little boy…
*ahem*
young man provided endless hours of entertainment!
*goooooooood times…*
*church fanning and facebooking*
Did you use Tenchi as your screen name because you are actually a Tenchi fan?
Though hopefully I’m out of that game for good.
That’s sooo cute.
#1 – You can’t have kids younger than 5 years old. If the child is younger, I don’t believe you have fully moved past your kid’s mom
#2 is the only rule that I have that I absolutely cannot look past. If you aren’t a man of God, we just can’t date
#3 It IS a recession. There is a difference between laid off and employable and laying around the house
#4 Living with an ex? What part of the game is that? i might (emphasis on might) look past living with your parents, but not the ex. I once had a guy try to holla at me who said he lived with his ex within the first 5 sentences. Thanks for the warning
#5 I can date you with bad credit, depending on how you got there, but it better be fixed if we’re getting serious about getting married
@I Am Your People – #2 is the only rule that I have that I absolutely cannot look past. If you aren’t a man of God, we just can’t date
what exactly does a man of God mean? somewhere between deacon and says Grace before eating?
“#3 It IS a recession. There is a difference between laid off and employable and laying around the house”
Yup, that’s where the potential factor comes in. There’s nothing “potential” about lying on the couch with day-old cheetos frost on your fingertips.
On #4, my best friend (who’d kill me for putting her business on the internet) not only loved with her ex-boyfriend for over a year after they broke up, but they shared a bed (!!!). And worse, he started dating another girl seriously during this foolishness, and while I can’t imagine the new girl was thrilled, she put up with it for at least a year when my friend decided to stop being cheap and rent an apartment on her own. So yeah, some women are crazy. How is a man going to tell you he lives and sleeps with his ex and you just okay that and have a long term relationship with him??!
Wow.
Just Wow.
Is it that bad to be alone? Really?
WTHeck!!!! See this sh!t right hur is crazy!!! This is the epitome of what PJ is saying.
@OftenConfused – * sippin’ some good cognac *
mmhmm.
I’m just confused…
*Samuel L. Jackson loud* Yes, I have made concessions and I HOPE THEY ROT IN HEYALL! No, really…..
I have made concessions. I also felt really foolish for it. I did make exceptions I thought I would never make and I did beat myself up about it. I still have moments of WTF was I thinking, but ultimately I forgave myself for it. I think I am a better person and wiser for it and will be a better partner for it. Atleast there is the benefit of growth.
Women make concessions for a lot of reasons. Biological clock is one. You wanna get atleast one bargain from the everything must go sale, and you know we love a bomb-azz sale! Said bargain ends of being some cheap nickel-azz ‘ish that ends up costing far more than it was worth. But I digress….lol! I kid, because I have learned and I can tell the tale in a position of wisdom and growth.
CLARIFICATION: I was joking that the concessions could rot in “heyall” not the fellas.
Except deeez
@MThanded – deep. very deep.
I try.
Long time lurker, first time poster.
I read in the comments someone asked why men don’t settle and the answer is simple… they don’t have too. I have a male friend who will not date a girl w/ less than two degrees and an equal job or higher b/c he has 3 degrees. And he literally never has. He’s boned all the bachelor’s degrees in the world, but won’t think to wife one unless she has a Master’s or is in hot pursuit of one. He once explained to me his reasoning of thinking: how many of ur female friends are educated and on point. How many male friends? He was right. B/c as my girlfriends and I scratch our heads to figure out if “June-Boo” from Linden blvd has any potential, he can pick and choose who he wants, b/c we all can name abt 30+ chicks who fit his description. B/c truth be told, my male friends that are educated are either my college friends or coworkers.
So I will admit, I’m guilty for compromising, but obviously that’s gotten me no where. So I’m going back to my list. Chilli.
You have to be educated, if not a degree, at least some sort of conversational skill that shows that there’s a brain in there complete w/ the career to match. Once dated a Dominican dude who didn’t go to college and had a great job, but had no ambition and couldn’t carry a convo b/c he never knew what I was talking abt. He still sends me
his resumé to look over and re-write for him. *bbm side eye face*
No and I mean absolutely no children. I dated this guy and I swear he used his daughter for every excuse in the world. And still tried to have some sort of relationship. I. JUST. CAN’T. And furthermore, I’m too selfish. I’ll admit it. I’m not trying be put on the backburner b/c u gotta play catch w/ ur kid or whatever u do w/ them. And what if I wanted to name my child ur kid’s name? I can’t b/c said child already has it? I keep thinking of Melanie and Derwin and how Melanie could never name her son Derwin Jr. b/c his kid already had the name. I can’t and I won’t.
But other than that, I just want someone to love me as much as I love them and show it. Oh and watch the game w/ me (sports employee), bone me correctly, and watch SportsCenter w/ me till we fall asleep. Is that too much to ask???
*throws VSB glitter* Welcome!
Interesting points. The kid thing I go back and forth on a lot. Initially I could care less if a man had a child, if it works between us then it works. This comes from the fact that my mom was a single parent for the longest and then she married my stepdad and I guess I’ve experienced first hand the kid thing not being a big deal in relationships. Then I was kind of dating this guy with a kid and well….it felt a little odd. I felt torn because on the one hand I am so happy to see men being good and involved fathers and I don’t want to get in the way of that. On the other hand, you really do start to realize that for forever you will always be #2 in his life. Can’t fault a guy for that, but it’s not exactly the ideal situation you’re looking for in a mate. Bittersweet.
EXACTLY!!! I couldn’t be mad at him b/c he was a GREAT father to his daughter. But plans were forever canceled or cut short b/c of a phone call: “daddy, I miss u” or whatever else he had to do. I’m still young (24), so I just don’t want any limitations right now. If I’m pushing 40, then I’ll re-think things. My mom went thru this w/ my dad. But she got lucky, my older sis lived in Amsterdam w/ her mom. This dude’s daughter lives 20mins away. No bueno.
Oh yeah you’re young. If you have to concede on this wait till you’re at least 35 lol.
Color me crazed on the children issue, but I never gave it a thought beyond, “as long as it’s not 10 babies and 8 babies mothers”.
The current SO has a daughter, when I found I my kanye shrug was in effect and I thought, “If I don’t like this little girl, then I’ll bounce…no harm no foul”.
(As you can see, I actively engage in numerous internal conversations…)
Agreed. If I end up with a man with kids(like the guy I’m seeing), He’s going to have to be a great father which means I’ll be #2. Soooo it’s kind of a catch 22. I mean it’d be easy to deal with a guy who doesn’t really deal with his kids because he’d be available to you, but do you really want that kind of guy. On the other hand a great father is going to put you after his kids because that’s what a great father does. sigh.
I never understood the logic of being number #2 to a man’s child. How is it any different than being the wife and having a child? Yes the child is still important to the parent but you still have to nurture your relationship with your spouse and make them feel important.
It’s generally the order in which these people come into your life. Man meets woman, makes her his #1. Their relationship is able to foster itself as being each other’s #1s. Then at some point (hopefully after marriage) they have a child together and the next person is introduced into the priority hierarchy. I don’t know how people rank their kids in this situation, cuz I don’t have a kid or husband, but whatever the case, in a situation with someone who has a child already, you are never at any point a priority in that person’s life because that slot is already filled. The bottom line is, somebody (the child) is all up in the number one slot and that’s a problem. This is however, not specific to children. It’s the same problem when you’re dealing with a notorious mama’s boy: his mama is always in the number one spot and this dynamic creates either stunted relationship growth or a dysfunctional one. I dated a notorious mamas boy, WITH a kid already and it’s just….wow. At some point I realized he doesn’t even need a girlfriend or wife because he has his mama to help him run his life and take care of his son. See how that works? lol.
I wanted to followup and also say, some women (and men) can overcome this priority shuffle when dating someone with a child. It just requires a lot of patience, and has it’s unique set of curve balls. I would purport that as you get older, maybe this doesn’t matter to you as much. Maybe you have your own priority shuffle you have to do due to your own baggage. Maybe the person is just that awesome to you and s/he’s worth the patience. I’d wager that any single parent making their child a large priority in their life is probably worth a little something in the end lol.
Welcome!!!!! **throws confetti and blows whistle**
Sadly I agree with the numbers thing (true or not. men use it to their advantage and we women make concessions because of it).
I thought I was the only one that thought this —-And what if I wanted to name my child ur kid’s name? I can’t b/c said child already has it? I keep thinking of Melanie and Derwin and how Melanie could never name her son Derwin Jr. b/c his kid already had the name. —– I know a guy (ok I’ve had a long term crush on a guy) that has a son named his jr and in my fantasy world it crushed me that when (I mean if) *dont know how to do strikeouts* we got married and had kids I couldn’t have his jr. Yeah good thing I’m older you’re truly foolish in your 20′s.
@S Emm -welcome and sh*t
hate to say it, but any good father isn’t using his kid as an excuse. he’s making his kid his priority.
So I will admit, I’m guilty for compromising, but obviously that’s gotten me no where. So I’m going back to my list. Chilli.
POW!
Woman get criticized for not having standards, then we are criticized for not keeping them. That’s why I do me!!!
ooooh, I have a guy for you!! sounds a lot like the guy you described, so you do need a professional degree/graduate from Ivy League, but he will def meet all of your reqs listed!! What coast are you on?? lol!!
I’m surprised no one has said education level. It’s ideal for me to be with someone degreed(university) but definitely an exception I can look past as education level doesn’t determine the type of human you are or lover. The one time I’ve made this exception so far, I was quite pleased…
Also I don’t think it’s a negative that women are realists when it comes to dealing with mere mortals. Why make something make or break unless it’s serious (aside: #4 is serious and it seems no self respecting person would subject themselves to that…but love is a many crazied thing.)
meh. I used to think education was a dealbreaker but not anymore. Anybody can get a mail-order degree these days. It’s more than just a piece of paper that’s the issue at hand.
Tell me about. I met a lot of folks with 3 degrees, phds, and still couldn’t hold a decent convo because they never mastered life or character
It’s true. It’s definitely not a deal breaker, because there are so many other more important ways that a person can be measured. And people do get mail-order degrees and call it a day.
@KayBeezy – i’m with Liz. hell, i just completed an online degree 15 minutes ago. took me 30 minutes but it was the best 30 minutes of my life. i now have another masters. this one is a masters of contract dispute resolution contracting.
LOL.
Go ‘head Panama! The more you know the more you grow.
Could never look past kids, I’m too jealous to share affection and I don’t want to be that bitch who took away Daddy either. If I were a single mom myself, then that would be different, you can’t ask for what you can’t give. But I was also lucky to grow up in a place where not so many single people have kids, who knows how things might have been if my pickings had been slimmer. And I think men easily make exceptions from their rules if you are hot. I smoke and I cannot tell you how many guys I’ve met who were “icked” by the idea of smoking, until I took out my pack and lighter. Then it was “oh, I meant heavy smoking… umm actually, some women are sexy when they smoke…”. LOL
^^
“…some women are sexy when they smoke.”
Some of tha best “sunshine” i ever had were wit chicks that kept a newport between their lips…
@kid video – yeah but would you marry her?
^^
@PJ
It depends on how much we have in common…my mom was a smoker(and she was smoking)who handled her business, so it’s not a dealbreaker.Liz Lemon.
@catintherain – yeah but you’re talking about the initial meeting. you’re not talking long term. i know it works for some guys (and the commenter who’s engaged to a cat who doesnt like smokers) but i’d probably hit off a smoker…cuz she was hot.
i dont wife her, i one night her.
Eh, in most cases, there is a gap between what people think they can get and what they actually can get
. I’ve met guys who professed their contempt for smokers openly, only to change tune when they saw an attractive woman smoke, I didn’t say I was interested in them. I would never go on a date with a guy who hates smoking, even if he’s willing to make an exception for me, I don’t want to feel like I have to apologize and explain myself all the time.
But I don’t think men are more determined about sticking to what they want – how many smart guys don’t marry dumb hot women, after all? I doubt they start off thinking “I want a pretty and braindead partner for life”.
@catintherain
Allow me to ask a more devil’s advocate question of you (and whoever else weighs in)?
“Could never look past kids, I’m too jealous to share affection and I don’t want to be that bitch who took away Daddy either.
Do you plan to have kids of your own? How do you think your relationship with said man will change when you two have children and his affection is now spread out? What if he has a little daddy’s girl who commands his attention?
FTR, I don’t have an interest in someone with children, but I always like to offer a little challenge to the reasoning behind our thoughts.
@Toni Childs – it’s different when they are your own children, then they are a part of you, you love them more than anything and of course you want your husband to love them the same way. But another woman’s children will always link him to her, or at least until they become grown-ups, and will always steer part of his affection out of our home. I have nothing against those who choose to date single parents, great for them, but I want someone with whom to build things from scratch. And I’ve found him
.
What would we do if we didn’t love and accept the exceptions? After all, I’m a black woman, I love myself, and I like Chad OchoCinco.
:: immediately regrets this disclosure, scurries off into the e-distance ::
@Penelope – is there something wrong with liking OchoCinco?
btw, does anybody esle find it disturbing that we as a nation have just willingly accepted this ninjas last name as ochocinco?
“btw, does anybody esle find it disturbing that we as a nation have just willingly accepted this ninjas last name as ochocinco?”
Yup.
How you gon’ name yourself 8-5? Just: eight. five. WTF does that even mean? Is that a police code? ‘Cuz it shole ain’t eighty-five.
@ Panama Jackson,
At the last meeting they told us (black women) that he’s like Public Enemy No. 1 because he appears to only be attracted to white/ non-black women. However, I think that’s only true if “be attracted to” and “exploit on a reality dating show” are synonymous in one’s mind. I find OchoCinco entertaining :: shrug ::
And you’re right, it’s silly to call him OchoCinco…because at one time, word on the street was that he’s re-changing it to Chad Hachi Go. :: shrug shrug shruggy shrug ::
Church is the thing women always compromise for me. Mostly because they have no choice. I do not budge on kids. Women often tell me that that makes me a bad guy, even though they grill me about possible children for the first half of every first date.
I have recently begun to budge on my Dark Island Girl(FOB or 1st Gen American) Only Policy.
Addition: I will no longer date women who are not sure about their sexuality. Bi women(way more trouble than fun), and women who do not masturbat3 need not apply for employment to Dash Corp.
^^
Bi women…
I try to catch them in their early 20s, when they’re still “experimenting”.
“….and women who do not masturbat3 need not apply for employment to Dash Corp.”
I am going to invest in this one with your brother. I am surprised by the number of women I have dated that are not comfortable in their own sexuality. It can create awkward intimate moments.
I’ve always been skeptical about serious relationships with bi women. Not to say that bi people can’t be monogomous, but I know I couldn’t give them everything they desired so that doesn’t sit well with me. Good for kicks, but not for the long haul.
My longest relationship was with a Bi women. They just have a flakiness about them that makes them more difficult to deal with than the average women.
They just have a flakiness about them
Maybe they have the best of both worlds? They think like dudes but will still eff both…. I can see how that will be unsettling for a few ninjas.
“and women who do not masturbat3″
lol @ women who don’t pasterslate.
You know that saying that says if you can’t love yourself, how can you love someone else? Well, that’s literal.
Pastor Hundy.. is that you?
Oh, i’m sorry.. i thought i was in church because you’re preaching..
I CAN say I’ve done some of these once upon a lifetime..
now that i’m older, i know what i can and can’t put up with.. i tell myself that i’m not asking for anything that i’m not bringing to the table.. I can’t have 7 children then want a man with no kids.. I can’t have a 420 credit score then want my man to have 759.. that’s hypocritical..
Religion is huge to me.. thatisall..
My ex wanted “a woman to love me for me” like he ACTUALLY ran the risk of a woman using him for his money.. YOU HAVE NONE!! got his car repossessed, lived with his mom, and had no job.. but expected a woman to see this and be like “he’s such a catch, i better bring something to the table..”
that children thing is kinda serious to me.. there’s more to it but i shall share a real “true-life Nick” story..
I once dated a man that had a pregnant ex.. (that lived hours upstate) she gave birth and he didn’t tell me.. #&%)#&%) WHAT!? #WDDDA.. i was 18, so i tried to make it work.. but honestly, you can’t even TELL me bout Raekwon (HandTO GOD that’s his real name!!) and expect me to make this work? especially when you moved her in your house and couldn’t be honest bout that!? i’m not gonna lie, he ended up with me stompin on his car in the mall parking lot.. and my kicking in his tail lights.. (i was 18, don’t judge me)
he had a 82 Heavy Chevy (as we say) which had so many things wrong with it, the things i did to it was considered an upgrade..
~Fin
Ah the 82 Caprice Classic. Even if they were ashy and shitting on negative 20s they got the job done.
*dead* at the raekwon story. ahhh. 18. I am so glad we learn the error of our younger ways.
credit can be fixed as long as he is gainfully employed. the reasons WHY his credit is jacked matter moreso than if it is. same as why he would be unemployed. ambition is sexy. so is a roof over your head and the ability to eat food other than ramon noodles.
kids… well that depends. i’ve never been a ‘no kids’ type of woman but if he has 5 by 4 different women… i mean, i’ll take that as a caution sign and keep it moving. if he just has one or two from a previous long term relationship… we’ll see. i’ve never seriously or not seriously dated a man with kids so i can’t really answer this accurately.
living with an ex? hayle to the nah. this is something referable to by chicks with low self-esteem. whether they know it or not. there’s settling.. and then there’s dating a man who lives with a woman he used to bone.
my ex was agnostic/almost atheist. NEVER EVER again. i like to learn from my past. that is all.
@Muze – kids… well that depends. i’ve never been a ‘no kids’ type of woman but if he has 5 by 4 different women… i mean, i’ll take that as a caution sign and keep it moving. if he just has one or two from a previous long term relationship… we’ll see. i’ve never seriously or not seriously dated a man with kids so i can’t really answer this accurately.
aint you from Detroit. you know you dated Black from French and Gratiot and you KNOW he got 12 kids.
PJ…
“aint you from Detroit. you know you dated Black from French and Gratiot and you KNOW he got 12 kids.”
LMBOOO at how scarily close you are to my ex’s EXACT intersection. i hatechu. lmbo.
maybe he kept them hidden from me?
I confess. Exceptions exist in my world when it comes to men. But that’s mainly because I’ve realized waiting for every item on my “list” to be checked off will probably never happen. I have flaws; why would I expect men to be exempt from them? Most guys talk about dating a 10, but often end up pulling a 5 or less anyway. Social standards/criteria are not gender specific. They’re just a part of life.
I do think most women have a predisposition to “settle” because we want a good man SO BAD while most men tend to just want to go The Dream route. LoL smh…
@PoetikSoul27 – we want a good woman badly to. we’re just not trying to make lemons out of lemonade unless we have to.
Blame the Capriborn that is I, but anything that reeks of financial destitution, bad credit and turning on lights in your momma/baby/sister/neighborhood crackhead’s name, is a straight up HEEEECK NO from me!
And contrary to popular belief, it’s not the “need my hair and nails done~ness” of the matter…I dig comfort and meeting me where I am. No compromise.
Howeeeever, exceptions have been made in the past, because I don’t care about a mate’s “religious” affiliations. And that’s not some euphemism meant to say “I want you to be spiritual, not religious”…I generally don’t give a porcupine’s butt as long as you’re not proselytizing and guilt tripping me for my mosque/temple/church/sundaymorning couch sitting…(the former of which, I do most often!)
Ummm, and if you LIVE with someone else…guess what you are….
NOT MINE! The hell I look like dropping you off at “Ya’ll’s House” after a bit of slap and tickle?!!! GTFOHWTE(xtraneous)BS!!!!
@Tenchi – “slap and tickle” was the original intended symbol of the USSR but nobody could draw it. so “hammer and sickle” was chosen instead.
^^
@PJ- clever…i heard a comdedian say when “WackArnolds” set up shop over there, they changed the symbol to “lettuce and pickels”.
It was funny at the time…i was probably just the opposite of low.
The Ultimate Exception::
I fell in love with a man. He was/is gay. I knew this.
e_O
((c)Who did this face!! I died))
I was in denial that I was in love with him, and slowly but surely I just excused the gayness…. Uh. I found out later that my falling in or liking gay men was linked to more psychological issues but still
Lonlieness feels so much better than a voluntary #swindle.
What kinda psych issues? Inquiring minds wanna know. for research purposes. Mmhmm…Yeah.
I thought I repsonded earlier this morning!!
I used to have really low self esteem – you know, I was the FAT, funny smart girl who was more into her books then anything else. I got to college and lost weight and learned how to dress myself – All of a sudden I had 1000000% more interest in me but I was still the insecure fat girl<< I still had that mentality.
I found out (thru my therapy sessions and wonderful Father and homegirl) I would only really put myself out there with gay men beause I could still have some masculine attention but not risk really being hurt because GAY men could and would NEVER like me. I didn't have to have sex, they wouldn't kiss me, but I could walk around with these very handsome, gay men and there would be no strings attached. I didn't have to really risk any feelings. (But that always backfired because I would actually catch feelings, then have to deal with that in a whole different way.)
Self Sabotage??
I hope I'm making sense. Nikki Minaj
@Anastasia
ehugs.
that is all.
Wow. I think you just described me, as The Champ would attest due to the e-therapy he has given me over the years lol. Though, I don’t have gay man tendencies, I tend to go for ‘unavailable’ men, like the ones who live in other states…knowing damn well long distance relationships suck.
That being said….putting your feelings out there totally sucks. I shudder at the thought of it.
*big hug*
I respect and appreciate your sharing.
I must confess, I dropped my head in extended prayer when I read this! What makes a woman go all Terry McMillan?!!! Eyebrows.
*This from the woman who left a first date in the grocer’s because he needed hair gel* Just can’t…Maxwell.
yeah, I wanna know too!!
*dead* @ the dropped head in extended prayer HAH!
A lot of my gay friends tell me about the girls who fall in love with them..its a sad sad case…
With *age* I must admit I’ve compromised but with each compromise the resulting slap in the face & hard ass breakup that followed insured …..that while I love kids and most guys my age have them (30 something) I can’t condone the 4kids and 3 baby mommas again…especially when it appears that you just like adding to your baseball team roster…
I’m not falling for potential again…I don’t have time to help you build your dreams especially if your over 29 there are some things you should learn to do on your own…
The religion is not a deal breaker..I grew up in church and a current first sundayer (moms request) I know more heathens in church than outside of it…what kind of heathen would I be to out heathen you???
I feel guilty bc I compromised on my attractive to me clause and dated this dude with a chipped tooth and a crazy lazy eye but had the religion the money and education conversation and swagga ….never again…no more…I found out a year later he had a live in..facebook can ruin a playas life when your girl likes to facebook pictures of the two of you smh
Erm…I…you…wait, wut?
I’m glad you found out why you did what you did, but still…#perplexed
Yeah. I still look back with the O___o face.
#alsoperplexed
!!!!
Alas! somebody that I can connect with. This happened to me before well my story is slightly different. He was bi. At least he said he was bi but hadn’t dated a woman in years and admitted he forgot how to be with a woman. So I guess he was transitioning from bi to gay??? Yo no se. but I was in my Akon “Lonely I’m [Ms.] Lonely I have nobody to call my own” stage and fell uber hard. Major therapy was needed…
le sigh
Oooh Anastasia. I just can’t be with a man knowing he’s been with other men. icant. But I won’t judge you because we have all dated a man who we regret to the fullest. At least you caught yourself. Many women don’t. I’ve seen so many women with a man that I knew was gay. I almost wanted to pull her aside and be like “boo boo…he’s battin for the home team.” lol
Let me start this off with a major no homo and that this story is about a friend and not one of those its really me hypotheticals. No need to BS as I dont actually know any of you all in real life, or so i think the black community is small though.
Out of curiosity if a woman were to meet a man who was completely open and honest with her that he is bisexual and in his past had a few homosexual relationships with men is it possible for him to pursue a relationship with a sistah? He is a black bisexual man and a good friend of mine. He asked me about this the other day and I honestly couldnt think of many, if any other than a bisexual woman who would be cool with it. However, he isnt trying to hide the fact that he has been with men(No DL) and is very masculine(not even kind of suspect).
@coldsweat…u straight, i believe u
I might sound ignorant but I believe a woman can be bisexual but when it comes to men I think bisexual is a bridge to gaydome. I have a friend *cough* who slept with a woman and went right back to loving men…and she’s straight. But all of my male gay friends have told me they always knew they were gay…even when they slept with women in the past.
If your friend really likes both men and women, at some point he’s going to have to choose…and good luck finding a women who is okay with the visual of him being with another man…cause I don’t know any. I’m willing to bet good money he probably is more into men than he is women. When’s the last time he dated a woman?
not that long ago since he dated a woman. Normally I would agree with you on that but at the same time you cant replace a vagina. I have talked to him about his relationship alot and he is in fact interested in both equally. He has only been in one actual relationship with a man and this whole bisexuality(being out with it) is new to him and he said its strange.
But see I didn’t DATE him!! I was just SO VERY MUCH IN LOVE WITH HIM. We were BEST FRIENDS. We went everywhere together, went on ‘dates,’ everywhere he was, i was and vice versa.
When I started getting mad when I would see him with other females and males (oh sigh. SMH.) people were like, Anastasia, you like this ninja. It took me 4 YEARS to get completely over this. It was just. awful.
Like I said upthread, lonliness is ALWAYS BETTER than a #voluntaryswindle. :-/
@ Anastasia oh the friend we really want thing. That’s different girl. You still caught yourself. As long as it stays in the mind lol
I have very bad gaydar. I suspect one of my very best friends is in the closet, but people had to tell me he was in the closet before I even considered it. Word?? He’s not gay! He’s my BEST FRIEND EVER, I know him best! I srsly thought I could fall in love and marry him too.
Sorry to put you out there P!
“e_O
((c)Who did this face!! I died))”
legitamate_soul
Props given. I’ve done my good deed for the day!
^Thank you, Cheekie Menaj
*raises hand* I am the culprit of this face: e_O
Love the Bell Biv Devoe reference!
I think women truly believe good black men are in short supply (I dunno, I don’t check for other dudes like that), so they naturally give a little wiggle room for the sake of a giant pen1s.. er, I mean a good man. I tell u where I don’t see em compromise.. second chance nice guys. In my younger days, most of the finest black women I dated wouldn’t give me a second look after they realized I was a clingy and overly sentimental. I would bet the cheaters and the beaters got more rounds tho.. That’s just nice guy vs. bad boy logic.
*looks at your avatar*
Your hair, though…
I sung the Trojan Man song.
speaking of avatar (#nojamescameron)..where’s Jai?!!! I need my daily fix!
I date nice guys!! Sentimental one too! No more of the clingy though… Getting your apartment almost broken in at 2 AM is not the business.
I retained the good qualities and grew out of the bad ones.. I think.. o_O
I’m guilty of the religion thing, my exboyfriend was not religious and was basically an athiest. I’m not extremely religious, but I do believe in God. I just was raised Muslim, so religion is just complicated! I don’t even want to think about marriage cause it will be SOOOOOOOO awkward if my future husband is not Muslim. Shiiiit, that is one weird convo to have with the fam.
I think you women put up with a lot because sometimes dating gets soooooooo effin’ depressing that you’re like fuck it! Why not date this dude who has no job and many baby mommas…he is cute. But on the real, most girls know they are settling, but its nice to have someone around as a benchwarmer (shiiit, it happens…don’t give me the side-eye) rather than being alone.
I don’t think this is solely a female problem though. I see some dudes with CRAZY ass girlfriends. Like how did this sweet guy end up with an alcoholic girlfriend who has had a baby with some dude who lives in another state (true story). Guys make just as many mistakes as women dude!
“Like how did this sweet guy end up with an alcoholic girlfriend who has had a baby with some dude who lives in another state (true story). Guys make just as many mistakes as women dude!”
Yeah, ummm…I was going to mention this, hopefully without putting my bestfriend on blast. Let’s just say, “Fell In Love With A Stripper” is not just a song at his house in Memphis, Tennessee at the moment…And that baby that he’s STILL paying child support for…is Mrs. Stripper’s UNCLE’S…(yes, that’s a possessive S). But she’s got a “wonderful” personality…
*still cringeing*
Why do I feel like I know you?
You didn’t go to school in Massachusetts and Philadelphia by any chance?
The last guy I dated feel short from my essential list. I said ok whateva hes cute, good body, smart, got a decent job and vehicle. And he takes me out on good dates…soo thats gotta be good, right? WRONG!
I learned my lesson… sometimes u gotta be patient when it comes to the “right” man you wanna be in a relationship with.
Most of these dudes are just quickies…. if u gotta have a guy that falls short of ur requirements don’t waste too much time on him!
“1) Kids” – I’ve never come up w/ a hard rule on this, but I suppose if he has some (which I prefer he didn’t, but I’m not in my 20′s so that’s damn near impossible) my limit would be 2. Preferably by the same mother – the whole multiple baby momma thing is such a bad sign, especially if there’s MORE than 2. NEXT!!!
“2) Religion” – Not a church goer myself. I hope to have a chance to grow into that when I get older, but you never know. They do have to believe in God though.
“3) Employment” – not negotiable, I know I would resent him for it so why even enter…
“4) Living Situation” – I can’t front, dated a dude who was WAYYYY to old to live w/ his mother for hella years. *SIGH* Done w/ that – no mothers, no ex’s, preferably no roommates at all. Stand on your own 2, or walk away on them sh*ts.
“5) Good credit” – ehh, where are we w/ things though? Is he having a rough time & trying to rebuild? Does he have time to get it right before we’re even on the path to engagement? I could be flexible on this, but I’d keep my eye on it too (which he’d probably resent). I wouldn’t wanna entangle my life w/ someone who’s spending habits are gonna constantly drag me down. Mine is excellent, so his needs to be at least “good” or seriously in repair.
& I forgot to say…
“You ain’t seen no paaaaaaaaaaaarts of the p*ssyyyyyyyyyyyyy!”
CLASSIC!
Have I made exceptions before? Yes, but most of my exceptions have been for things that I would compromise on anyway. For your list…
Kids: made an exception one time and won’t again until I’m….36+. Maybe.
Religion: Won’t go for a man who refuses to attend service or know God. He has to be of the same religious background or be open to mine. This becomes extra important when it comes to marriage and kids.
Credit: Never been super important. It depends on the reasons why. Remember to have ‘good’ credit requires you to have debt. So what if his credit is low because he doesn’t owe anybody? Credit can be fixed with a plan.
Employment: Must have a career even if he one day aspires to do something totally different. Employment, whether self employed or working for someone else, makes me feel stable and makes you look sexy. So if you aren’t employed, I won’t feel safe and we won’t get very far.
Forgot one-
Living Situation- I have never dated guys who still lived with an ex, baby momma, whatever. There are women who will date men who are living like this? Crazy. I don’t date men who live with their mothers.
“I don’t date men who live with their mothers.”
WISHING I could say that… well, I can NOW but couldn’t for the longest. *SIGH*, lol
brother might be saving up for a house!!!
@coldsweat
yeah..the thing about that.. he usually isn’t. that’s what he SAYS. cuz when you go back in 5 yrs..he’s STILL there. if you are SERIOUS about saving for a house and getting out of your parental home..that ish permeates all aspects of your life. it’s all you talk about. you budget the hell outta ya life. you make it a priority. not trying to find a chick who lives solo or doesn’t mind chexing in hotel rooms.
Yup!
“‘Scuse me waiter, I’ll take my crazy with a capital C, please.” <– hillarious!
I had a conversation similar to this with a friend earlier today (I feel like I'm having this conversation a lot lately, lol). Yeah, some women are quick to make exceptions for men we like/love. Between the girls with Chilli lists and the girls who make expections . . . what are we going to do? LOL.
Anyway, all I really look for is a man with a Plan . . . a Plan that I can see happening so that I can support him. That's all I want. If he doesn't have that, I'm not sticking around. No exceptions. Doing nothing or being content in never doing better or being better is not acceptable. Everything else that folks run into is basically all based on your plan . . .
Kids? Not a big issue. I care about is your relationship with them and their mother(s). I also want to know if you plan to have more b/c I def want to be a mother one day.
Religion? *shrugs* I don't go to church, anyway. So, this would probably be something he'd have to accept about me and make an exception for me.
Employment? If you're unemployed, my next question is "are you in school?" and my second is "do you have a plan?"
Living Situation? Exes are a no go. Parents? Sure. I'm with my folks b/c I'm stackin my paper while in grad school. Everybody's got a story . . . what's yours? And what's your plan?
Good credit? I want to get married and buy a house. Your credit may become our credit. See, how this works? So, what's your plan? (see how that keeps coming up?)
me and you bsquared… i am terrorist fist bumping you on this!!
PLAN. a 4-letter word that will change my perception of you. (a good plan is even better tho) Not some randomness. Goals that are SMART are key.
AMEN to a PLAN. Not goals, hopes and dreams… But an active plan!!!!
@Keisha Brown. LMAO at the fistbump! Yeah, a good plan is something I can get behind and feel proud to say, “My man is working toward . . .and I know he can do it” and not “Well, my man said he wants to be a . . . but I don’t know.”
@Often Confused Yeah, a plan feels like an ACTION word. Like you impliment a plan, you have to do some work to make a plan happen . . . it’s productive. And I’m all about productivity. You can dream and hope all day long but what are you DOING to make those things a reality? lol.
I am slightly pissed of by this post…because its so friggin on point! UGH! Yes, we do settle quite a bit more then men…but the difference is..men will hit..the woman with kids, a flat ass or whatever..and then go home to their wonderful woman at night and sleep like a baby…or some men will just hit…or fwb up that chick they really don’t want longterm….while seeking out someone they really do want…..men are just insensitive and self-absorbed,,,women are more compassionate and we are more willing to overlook certain things to give a person the benefit of the doubt…..
..and with regard to having a list of dating dealbreakers…I have found that the things that were important in my 20s or say 30′s…aren’t important anymore..so you revise your list as life takes you on your journey….and you realize what is truly a dealbreaker and what is not……its everchanging.
men are just insensitive and self-absorbed,,,women are more compassionate and we are more willing to overlook certain things to give a person the benefit of the doubt…..
***early nominee and front-runner for thursday’s “gross generalization of the today” award***
@Queen T – men are just insensitive and self-absorbed,,,women are more compassionate and we are more willing to overlook certain things to give a person the benefit of the doubt…..
somebody’s bitter.so men are insensitive and self-absorbed for making decisions in their own best interest…regardinga woman that aint his wife. lol.
c’mon son. gtfohwtbs.
don’t blame men b/c women date frogs with gold teeth and regret it later.
I’d like to add to this list:
#6) Not believing a man when he tells you exactly WHO he is.
I don’t know how many men I’ve met who have told me that they’re “just not the marrying type”. Really? Well, I am and I have every intention of being somebody’s wife in the not-so-distant future. So, this obviously isn’t going to work and I need to go along my merry way. But it never fails that there will be a number of ladies who think “Well, that’s just because he hasn’t met the right woman yet”, and then proceeds on their brain-washing mission to be the exception. Next thing you know, three years have passed and you’re still wondering why this dude hasn’t popped the question! You cannot change the rules in the middle of the game! He told you what was up from jump. That is all. *drops mic*
standing ovation and fists high from the 5 brothers I brought in to read you post.
*picks up the mic..yells queensbridge! high fives More is More and re-drops the mic.
You made me laugh out loud, Ms, Brown., but More Is More made an excellent point.
“Well, that’s just because he hasn’t met the right woman yet”
Yup that’s the typical excuse
hahah. I told a chick this actually to try and get rid of her but she still wanted to pursue things with me. Damn!! Maybe she could see that I was the marrying type. Terrible poker face…
I’ma go head and call b.s. on the men not making exceptions. The fiance hates smokers..but patiently waited til I came back inside from smoking so he could give me our first kiss, lol. Of course, he then went on an anti-smoking campaign but that’s beside the point.
@Anna N. – there are always exceptions. consider yourself one.
I don’t make exceptions per se because my tastes aren’t all that narrow. My body type preferences runs the gamut from short & petite to tall and chubby (common string: attractiveness). As far as vices like smoking go…barring unacceptable levels of illegality, devastating impacts to my finances and possible jail time, a lot of things get a pass as long as she’s up front about it.
As for men, women and exceptions, I dunno…I hear guys stating what they won’t go for and what kind(s) of women they won’t date, only to turn around and screw some chick who fits a number of those aspects comfortably. And let’s not talk about these hard-pressed, cakin’-ass ninjas out here who’ll beat anything in a tight pair of jeans. And lawd knows I’ve come across my fair share of women whose inability to make exceptions will actually leave them alone and sexless for months (years, even!) at a time.
Can’t even call it.
@CreoleSoul – the difference here is women will attempt to make a family with these cats and the dudes you’re talking about are just lovin’ these chicks down. now is it impossible for a dude to end up married to a chick he normally wouldnt…of course. i think there’s a much higher likelihood for women than men though.
Living with your EX?!?!?! I thought you were gonna say living with your Mama (which is also problematic – if not temporary – and by temporary, I mean you weren’t living with her this time last year. Maybe you got laid off in the current economy, so you moved back in and plan to move back out AS SOON AS you get a new job).
But an EX? Never! Here’s my number. Call me when yo ass has moved out! and moved on!
@KMc – But an EX? Never! Here’s my number. Call me when yo ass has moved out! and moved on!
just like a chick…still giving up the number anyway.
lol
This all boils down to standards and the will to uphold them. Sad truth:
black men have very high standards for potential black women (Michele Obama or no ring).
black men have low standards for potential white women (worth her weight in gold or fat, ugly and stupid – put a ring on Becky*)
black women have no standards for potential black men (The Dream, random thugs/closet homosexuals, drop outs, divas, losers, unemployable mommas boys, etc)
black women have pipe dream standards for potential white men (Robin Thick, Justin Timberfake**, European royalty, random average white guy at any HBCU***).
*It pains me that we refer to them as Beckys because my bride’s name is Becky and she is ~3/4 pilgrim. BTW, she is a dime and a surgeon so no comments about standards and quadroons.
**VSS seem to like so of the bitchiest white dudes.
***Tell the truth VSS. I have it on good authority that the whole curiosity thing is universal.
@James
“**VSS seem to like so of the bitchiest white dudes”
I kind of notice this amongst some sisters period. If he is a Black dude some prefer dark-skinned and masculine. But light-skinned or 2520 they tend to be pretty. I’ve never heard a Black chic mention a Steve McQueen or Jason Statham type 2520.
David Beckham FTW!!! *swoons* LOL
I’ve never heard a Black chic mention a Steve McQueen or Jason Statham type 2520.
Those are the best examples of the rough and rugged 2520. Steve McQueen was the sh*t and I have been a Jason Statham fan since “Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels”.
@CBG
So you know about “Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels”, eh? I see you, and raise you a “Snatch”.
I love those flicks. Most watched flicks in my DVD collection.
Jason Statham is a true bad@ss. Even during the moments when his character is getting punked in the film, it doesn’t really appear that way cause he’s so f*cking cool and gruff with it.
I just saw “Bank Job” last weekend. Was I surprised to find out it was based on actual events.
I am a big Jason Statham and Guy Ritchie fan. I still haven’t seen RocknRolla yet, but I will soon.(The VSSs might, too, considering that Idris Elba is in it, too) Kooky British caper movies are some of my favorites and Guy Ritchie is the best at it. Jason Statham is probably the best action star of the last 10 years and his movies are actually good.
@CBG…Jason Statham is going bald and not even trying to hide it…not sexy
@Jai,
And I think that is a part of his tough guy appeal, like “Yeah, I’m going bald, but say something about it and I will still kick your @$$”.
See…that’s not sexy…I don’t want a man to kick my ass. The Sherman Hemsley look has never done it for me…and I am a sucker for a pretty boy…regardless of race. I like them kinda grimy, but you throw a Bruno Mars type dude in front of me or a Miguel Jontel….swoon
Jason Statham is a true bad@ss.
He was until he went ahead and did The Transporter… What’na hell??
I was so giddy to go watch The Transporter 1 with the then SO… only to come out like Wha??? I felt bamboozled… Mind you ex-SO now friend has seen all of them afterwards. His answer when I couldn’t grasp it? “It’s a man thing, let it go”…. I sure did, because that was one of the most craptastic movie I had ever seen!!!
But Snatch and Lock,Stock and two smoking barrels are still on the list of my all time fave movies.
****Teleporting out of lurkdom for a second***
“I’ve never heard a Black chic mention a Steve McQueen or Jason Statham type 2520.”
My sisters would bang the Transporter, a younger/Alive McQueen/ and Eastwood if they could and don’t mind saying it. This usually drives me to my shrink’s office but oh well. I’m willing to bet one of your Aunts, or lady at your church has a thing for Eastwood.
****Teleporting back into lurkdom.***
Yes the Transporter could get it. *nod*
WOW James I heart you for this whole thread! Cosign. I had a bbq at my house and sat there listening to all these black men tearing black women apart. One had a white girlfriend who I knew was cheating on him and one had a beautiful thai girlfriend who didn’t even speak english. Why date a woman who you have nothing in common with and you know isn’t right for you just because she may be easier or different from black women. Get the girl you can respect and love because she challenges you as a man and keeps you growing.
Personally, no offense to ya boy and all, but I think it shows weak character.
true indeed!
@ James & Humble_One
Pretty good observations
To add to your pipe dream examples, Ryan Phillippe. I have heard many a sistah declare him to be what they would go for in search of the Great White Hope.
Or if they are considering going to the far east for love, its usually not the ‘average’ Asian, it has to be one with ‘urban inner city’ flavor and characteristics. Less Jackie Chan, more Jin the emcee.
Yes James, yes…..It seems as if black women have to be dayum near perfection, meanwhile none or partially black women get all kinds of passes, so it seems LOL…… alot of black men’s standards for black women are CRAZY almost impossibly high young!!!!
Oh Hugh Jackman is at the top of my 2520 Crush list, he’s a ruggedly handsome specimen. I like Daniel Craig’s style too. LayerCake.
LayerCake is a bomb-azz movie! I also like Daniel Craig’s characters. He isn’t the usual super-white man. He gets knocked around a bit and has to hustle to make it work. It comes off a tiny bit more realistic IMO.
black men have very high standards for potential black women (Michele Obama or no ring).
black men have low standards for potential white women (worth her weight in gold or fat, ugly and stupid – put a ring on Becky*)
black women have no standards for potential black men (The Dream, random thugs/closet homosexuals, drop outs, divas, losers, unemployable mommas boys, etc)
black women have pipe dream standards for potential white men (Robin Thick, Justin Timberfake**, European royalty, random average white guy at any HBCU***).
***has replaced queen t’s comment as the front-runner for thursday’s “gross generalization of the today” award***
Thanks Champ. It’s an honor just to be nominated.
While I’m here…
This issue of credit. Financial credit can be a strong indicator of overall credability and dependability. Especially in those over 30. VSS’…please don’t take bad credit lightly.
Steve Mcqueen came to mind as an non-bitchy white guy, but I was scarey of looking gay by naming names. Daniel Craig also fits the bill.
Hugh Jackmon is gayer than Richard Simmons…sorry Orange.
Smartfoxgirl…damn. I guess some men just want some arm candy to make them feel better about themselves. Every man wishes a woman would stop talking sometimes…but not speaking the same language and being in a relationship puts it in a very shallow state.
Another point or question at large? Does anyone else feel like potential relationships between VSS and VSB are dipped in so much hostility that many of us don’t even really try to be happy? it seems like we go into relationships with each other with the worst of expectations and yet the same people are capable of being happy with other flavors. Why we so mad?
I might be able to truly get into this but i’m on my way to the gym and can’t full get into it..
i’ll just say this..
“i’m not angry… but i’m not stupid..”
the anger sometimes does stem from not properly releasing the situations that occured before..
if it doesn’t make sense, i’ll explain when i get back…
Dayum young, LOL Richard Simmons though LLS
he is still very handsome, SMH, lol, dayum shame the % of fionne men that are into sausage and weiner,,thats across the board too….
I don’t know that you can call it anger… maybe resentment or being too proud in front of one another. I’ve noticed that there seems to be, with some, a sense of vulnerability/openness that exists with another race that doesn’t with the like… I don’t know where that comes from. Some men are just more patient with Becky (not a personal shot fyi) and communicative… we (VSS) don’t get nunna dat.
All I read was Robin Thicke and Justin Timberlake…swoon add in McSteamy from Grey’s and I’m done.
Oh yeah good observations and ish…
Oooo yes McSteamy!!! *fans-self with the left* *hi-5 with the right*
Eric Dane (McSteamy) is waaaaanderful! The other two look like rats, lol
Good mornting, VSPeoples!!
VSB is on point this week. *throws money into collection plate*
I have a good friend who would make a great catch for someone. The problem is (this is his phrasing, not mine) he’s got 4 kids, 4 babymommas, and 2 1 year olds that are 18 days apart. *blink* And he wants me to hook him up with someone. iCant. Even though he’s a great guy, funny, loves sports, great dad, loves to cook, etc.. but the 4 and 4 thing throws even me. How do you counter that?
I have a daughter, and my now fiancee always said he’d NEVER date a woman with a child. Being the VSS that I am, we snagged him anyway, lol! It depends on what is a MUST have and what you are willing to compromise on and then sticking to that. And again, that communication thing up front.
@Capricorn – I have a good friend who would make a great catch for someone. The problem is (this is his phrasing, not mine) he’s got 4 kids, 4 babymommas, and 2 1 year olds that are 18 days apart. *blink* And he wants me to hook him up with someone. iCant. Even though he’s a great guy, funny, loves sports, great dad, loves to cook, etc.. but the 4 and 4 thing throws even me. How do you counter that?
the award for most misleading first sentence of all time goes to: CAPRICORN!!!!!!!!
Thanks!! *accepts award*
I mean.. I’on even know what I was trying to say with that.
Not enough caffiene this am. Apologies.
The problem is (this is his phrasing, not mine) he’s got 4 kids, 4 babymommas, and 2 1 year olds that are 18 days apart. *blink*
Wow. That’s a lot going on. Kind of intimidating b/c if you’re thinking of settling down, you’re about to enter into the lives of 4 other families via the children. Definitely, not for the weak, lol. I wouldn’t write him off right away but I would have to know more about the situation. Like how he came to acquire these children (relationships or randomly slangin the D), his relationship with them and their mothers, his plans for future family situations, etc. Yeah . . . that’s a lot going on. Best of luck to him, lol.
When I was younger I was adamant about not dating a man with kids or a man who’d been married before. I’m 34 now, too old for that. So, those requirements shifted with the realities of life. Luckily, there are still a lot of unmarried good brothers out there w/o kids. lol. But I don’t immediately shoot down the ones who’ve been married or who’ve been married and have kids.
The church thing has never bothered me, ever. I guess because I don’t think that his church going habits are a sign that he is a good person.
Things I’ve yet to budge on:
*short men (and I’m generous with what I consider an acceptable height). It’s superficial but it is what it is.
*men who don’t travel (it’s an exposure and willingness to open up your mind. And I’m a snob on the travel thing…the Caribbean doesn’t count. I’ve dated starving artists who’ve had passports full of stamps so it’s not about money/class).
*men who use the b word… (…at least in front of me. That dries up the panties real fast).
*feminine men (nuff said).
*passionate men (In bed and in life. I don’t want a dude who goes to work and does nothing else. Be excited about something, get into it and let that passion transfer to the rest of your life).
Cosign on the short and feminine men. icant
Cosign on the short and feminine men. icant
so, i probably shouldn’t sit you next to sisqo at the vsb bbq, huh?
that’s a negative ghost rider
Sisqo gon’ be there? Great. I assume Keith Sweat too, right? They have a show. It’s probably canceled by now. I think they canceled it midway through the first ep.
*takes tangent..
so dru hill was here in april and tell me why instead of singing the singles we all knew and loved, they TRIED to sing a MJ and a Jodeci song. people booed. (tdot crowds can be TOUGH!)
Not singing your hits and risking violating other people’s classic songs? That’s grounds for getting full bottles thrown at your head. This really upset me…
@bougiefruit,
Right?!
WHO made these choices? SMH…
I think I may have been guilty of making all the listed concessions for some dude. However, I believe that once you get to a certain age (I’m in my 40s) all the nonsense stops … or at least it should. If a man can’t do for me what I can do for me … what do I need him for? For example, if he can’t walk into a bank and get a loan in less than 30 mins, I don’t need him. If his name isn’t on a mortgage, I don’t need him. F*ck potential.
Damn Straight!!!!!!!!!!!
LLS, “right on to the righteous and death to the fakers!”
For me @ 36, potential translates into project, and I am not into trying to mold a mofo..by the time you in your later 30′s early 40′s, the only building should be done together, not trying to construct a mofo but thats not be confused with allowing someone to learn how to love you.
I just wish more VSS would adopt this mentality at 25 or at least 30.
First, no d!&k/p-tang is that good (period)
Second, when you are young, romanticism clouds ones judgment and you can’t see the forest for the trees. A list of “my-man/woman-MUST-have” precluded the “to err is human” factor; so, errbody will have exceptions regardless of whether you are a man or a woman.
Third, I never cared about #1, #2 & #5; whatevas whateva; glass houses and all that.
Howeva, #3 & #4 are game changas. no romance w/o finance.
So funny because we were talking about this on 12Kyle last night. We were talking about all of the deal breakers out there and what were the biggest. I think the conversation exploded at sex, which I believe everyone exclaimed, that was a def deal breaker. At the most 3 strikes and you’re out.
Peace, Love and Chocolate
Tiffany
No exceptions for me. If I have a rule, i stick to it. Of course the rules I have only exist because it’s impossible for me to live without them. Like smoking is a no-brainer since I have asthma. I don’t have many other rules though. It’s not hard to find a guy my age with a car and no kids.
I think women do lower their standards until a certain point in their life. When they’re just dating and not interested in marriage, concessions are easy to make. It’s just for the time being right. But when you are looking for a potential life partner and you’ve experience lowering standards in the past, you tend to know what you want and not go for anything else. I’m guilty of the dating the man with kids when I said I wouldn’t, and even dating men with not so good credit. But there are non negotiables I won’t settle without. Church….our spiritual and religious compatibility is a must. So much so that that’s begun to be a first date conversation. In other words, women learn to decide what’s important, what’s most important to us. Other things, we can let slide…
Ok seriously this is the last warning before I call the FBI…stop spying on my life?? How do you know me??
Compromised on kids to the point where I kinda like the idea, because it requires me to have less of them from my own body. Credit, i’m sure i’ve compromised on that bc of the fact that some of these men couldnt keep a cell phone on. Employment, that ish better be temporary a girl likes to enjoy new experiences and you need to be able to pay your own way. Living situation…WHERE THEY DO THAT AT???? No buddy, I will say i’ve dealt with/currently dealing with (bbd) “you play your baby mama too damn close” situation. I find myself to be a sucker for comfort, and I hate investing time in people and seeing them leave. So I find myself putting up with a little more bull than is necessary. Now by looking at me you wouldn’t think I would be going through what i’m going through (im a 7.5 in jeans and a tshirt). Thankfully i’ve never been limited by options, but a sister can’t find a spark to save her life!! Went on a blind date yesterday and the brotha had a gold tooth…needless to say I have a lot of words for the coordinator of that ish! I just wanted to confess that I am guilty as charged…i’m trying to change, because being a man flipper is draining!!
Drop the friend who set you up with a ninja with a gold tooth.
Drop ‘em now.
I can’t co-sign this list unless you forgot to mention that it applies to women with low-self esteem/self-worth, don’t know themselves, or don’t know what they want.
Sure there are times that you overlook some things after realizing that some of your standards are absolutely impossible. But again, that requires you taking a minute to get to know you before trying to get to know someone else.
I like the entire second paragraph, life is for learning and we learn more about ourselves thru relationhips, all kind, familial on down to the romantic variety..by your 30′s you should at least defintiely know what you don’t want, can’t tolerate etc……..
@Toni Childs – I can’t co-sign this list unless you forgot to mention that it applies to women with low-self esteem/self-worth, don’t know themselves, or don’t know what they want
so its impossible for a woman with a good sense of self-esteem and worth, who knows herself and knows what she wants to get caught up in potential.
i’m calling BS on your non co-signage based on that modifier.
I gotta 2nd that co-sign.
My girl, educated and cute with a great sense of self and minimal esteem issues once dated a poet who lived in the back of an incense shop because he was hawt.
Rules schmules…he had nothing she wanted in a man (job, car, home) but she was trying to make something of that based on his looks.
I didn’t meant to make that statement mean to be so absolute or to be a sweeping generalization. But as for me and my house….
Let’s talk potential vs. ambition. In terms of energy (I’m a nerd), something has potential energy to expend which doesn’t mean that it will. So some guys may have potential to be great but without the ambition or actual movement to do so…they won’t. Ambition is different. I could easily see someone getting caught up on ambition because that person seems to be working towards something…its an active thing.
Maybe that’s just me though.
I am with you.
Further proof of #2:
When I was growing up in church, there were a bunch of kids whose fathers never ever ever set foot in the church, even though their parents were together. I’m 31 and there’s kids I grew up with there whose fathers I still have never seen, though I know they’re “there”.
“Until they meet that jobless Idris Elba character who is a starving artist. Then all of a sudden ambition is more important than the financial manifestation of dollarage. Women love a man who can make ‘em weak in the knees from singing”
Agreed because if all fails & we know we shouldn’t be dealing with a fine specimen of man, we will say some crazy ish like, “We just gone be friends with benefits cuz I can’t be wifing with no dude that stay at home…& aint got no job…& got two kids.” ***after saying comment looks at friend then guiltily looks down at floor***
I’m like…We have established that women CANNOT (for the most part) f*ck w/o feelings getting involved but we like to lie to ourselves when it’s convenient…it just human nature right o_o
It is because we think we can eventually change him or use him until we find better. Sad but true.
@SmartFoxGirl
Yea, that’s true. Sad part is…more than likely a man isn’t gonna change until they are good and ready so most of the time spent trying to change him is wasted & I hate wasting my time!
Stop being a wife to a boyfriend. I have done this twice trying to be everything to someone who only wants a temp situation.
Your choice of character determines your actions. Yes, it is all a matter of choice to be bad or good at things. If his choices are changing it will reflect in his life and it is not your job to make him see the light.
Want what you want and stick to it, life is just less complicated and the journey just more fun.
Exceptions are meant for our 20s to learn about what really matters to us and what makes no difference; so settle, compromise, change, tolerate, etc all you want and figure yourself out for yourself and than go for him.
Men are everywhere so just do you but remember to smile and flirt, it is so much fun and men lubs it. “Phenomal Woman” comes to mind for some reason.
“Stop being a wife to a boyfriend.”
@Rock$ #cosign
BTW… My first post was yesterday and I gots no glitter. -.-
Anyhoo. So, I must be the crazy one because 1,2, and 5 never mattered to me. Here’s why:
1. Kids – If you got some, that means you’re not gonna rush me to have any. As long as my money stays my money and some of your money becomes my money, we straight.
2. Religion – *shrugs* ABelieve in something or fall for anything.
5. Credit – So does this just come up of cocktails on the 2nd date. I’m not sure when it’s appropriate to bring this up. You can scope out someone’s credit in other ways, I suppose. Snooping through their mail checking for late fees. Seeing if their car is in their name. Stealing their SSN and attempting to open a credit card.
Anyways, I can’t say that I’ve looked past these things cause I never cared.
However, I’ve always cared about 3 and 4. I broke up with Ex#1 cause he quit his job at Lowe’s. Saying, “he was tired of working for the man.” -.-
Married, shacking, etc. You gets no love. You gets no action. You do get a coke (that you paid for) and a smile.
“Stop being a wife to a boyfriend.”
@Rock$ #cosign
BTW… My first post was yesterday and I gots no glitter. -.-
Anyhoo. So, I must be the crazy one because 1,2, and 5 never mattered to me. Here’s why:
1. Kids – If you got some, that means you’re not gonna rush me to have any. As long as my money stays my money and some of your money becomes my money, we straight.
2. Religion – *shrugs* ABelieve in something or fall for anything.
5. Credit – So does this just come up of cocktails on the 2nd date. I’m not sure when it’s appropriate to bring this up. You can scope out someone’s credit in other ways, I suppose. Snooping through their mail checking for late fees. Seeing if their car is in their name. Stealing their SSN and attempting to open a credit card.
Anyways, I can’t say that I’ve looked past these things cause I never cared.
However, I’ve always cared about 3 and 4. I broke up with Ex#1 cause he quit his job at Lowe’s. Saying, “he was tired of working for the man.” -.-
Married, shacking, etc. You gets no love. You gets no action. You do get a coke (that you paid for) and a
.
@M. Shavonne – my apologies. i thought i had seent your name before on these here threads.
welcome and sh*t. and GLITTER TO THE RIGHT OF THEM GLITTER TO THE LEFT OF THEM.
Thank ya kindly.
@PJ
bruahahahahahaha.. VOLLEY AND THUNDER!!!!!!!
*collapses in giggles.
bwahahaha . . . #iCannot
I was so amused when I read that poem in one of my classes. Everybody was giggling. Fresh Prince FTW.
So that means that it’s normal for me to make all these mistakes right now (i’m 23)?? I’m learning S L O W L Y, just have this idealistic view on love and relationships ( I want to believe all people are good people and just make mistakes).
Ah… 23. I remember it well. I was in love, naive, selfish, and stubborn. I’m so glad I’m no longer naive.
@Ms.Kay, You’re young, full of life, and your future is probably very bright. Just be smart, be you, and be willing to admit you are never wrong. Your mistakes are just learning experiences.
It’s not your fault and it never will be.
I think you need to adjust this to read “Stop being a wife to a jump off”.
If you want to get married, you need to let your boyfriend (your real boyfriend) see that you have some wife potential.
Your jump off only needs to see your feet in the air, nothing more.
“Stop being a wife to a boyfriend.”
t-shirt.
Hell, in fact…wifebeater.
i’d like to order said wifebeater in turquoise, size L. please and thanks.
my t-shirt collection has grown exponentially in the time i’ve been a vsb reader. can we move onto hoodies in the fall/winter?
It honestly makes me sad when I see how willing women are to accept a man for who he is and many men do not do the same. I may come across as picky but I’m really not. I’m willing to work with a man that I am really feeling, just don’t try to play me for a fool. Men never lower their standards…hell sometimes their standards are soooo unrealistic to what they’re actually working with. I.e. you know you’re a 4 but yet you want a 10. ??? Please my brotha please. Let’s all be real with ourselves.
D@mn why am I so angry this week? *sigh* I need love. LL cool J
Side note: Panama you are hard on women…more posts about men please.
@SmartFoxGirl – Side note: Panama you are hard on women…more posts about men please.
no.
@SmartFoxGirl
I feel you, people ALWAYS tell me that I’m single because i’m picky, but I don’t think I am that picky. I just refuse to settle. One you start compromising yourself with certain things you say is non-negotiable when will it stop? You have to stick with some kind of standards or who knows what you will end up with.
I think men just realize that they have the upper hand because of the many options they have i.e. the dreadful women to men ratio and feel like they wanna get the best that they can possibly get. What’s better than a 10…even if ur a 2. And even The Dream wasn’t happy with that…SMH
Don’t settle but don’t have unrealistic expectations. Unrealistic expectations get you alone. As long as you think you can find what you’re looking for, you will. One of my cousins who is a devout christian said she is looking for a man who goes to church 3 days a week and is a virgin (she’s 22). I laughed my tail off for about 15 mins as my aunt (who is 40+ and single) said she should hold onto her dream. Really? I plan on being happily married sometime in the near future so I have to be realistic. It boils down to this: do you really like him. If you like him, then you just do…3 kids, no bible and all. If you have a good chemistry and can see yourself happy with him then go for it.
Yes girl men are def taking advantage of the women to men ratio. However remember when Champ posted the single map? Them fools are more single than we are. They learn too late.
3 days a weeks??? I guess…
Not going to lie, if I met a brotha going that steadily, I would be either intimidated or suspect. I don’t want you giving me the heathened side eye every time I say I rather watch Big Brother instead of going to Bible Study.
I looooove Big Brother! I’m not feeling the group this season (i think they are a bit idiotic) but I never miss an episode.
@SmartFoxGirl
*nodding*
Yessssss…cannot be unrealistic, but you can always marry an anime character like that one dude did! LOL If that wasn’t some plain out #fuckery I don’t know what was Haha Too funny.
My cousin, 32, got married last year to a great guy (I believe he’s 34?). They were both virgins… and devout Christians, the kind that organizes Christian camps for children in remote areas and literally live their lives for their faith, so 3 days a week is actually a small number. I think I mentioned them here before. So your 22-year old cousin can hold on to her dream. If she knows who she is and understand why it is important to her then she’s golden. And will most likely make it.
“when i’m alone in my room sometimes i stare at the wall…. and in the back of my mind………
(I had to!)
lmmmmmaaaaaaaooooooooo
D@mn why am I so angry this week? *sigh* I need love. LL cool J
^^e-hugs. we all need love.
thanks Keish you’re cuddly lol
@sfg: aww. glad im good for sumthin!
I forgot to tell you this: I was comment one day can’t remember when and my daughter was next to me being nosey (she’s 5) and said
“Click on those lips! I like those lips!”
lmmmaaaoooo I couldn’t stop laughing….had to tell you
@ SFG: awwwww!!!
that is sooooo cute!!! that made my heart smile. for realz. i needed that.
oddly enough, was thinking about changing it! lol.
I’s married now, but back in the day, hell no I didn’t compromise on my deal-breakers. Sure, I compromised on the things that I didn’t feel were that big of a deal, but that’s it.
What’s tricky is determining what preferences are actually deal-breakers vs just, well, preferences. I think this is where folks get into trouble and find themselves 1)either stuck in perpetual singlehood or 2) wasting years dating mofos that they know good-n-hell-well they can’t see a real future with.
All I’ll say to this P, is the average nugga will still phcuk LLS, he might not lay any claims or wnat to be seen with the brawd but he will sho nuff hit. The Last Dragon.
I think men and women both “try” to make it work with someone who falls short of the threshold of the things they want. The difference is, alot of men are probably unaware of alot of the things they really like. Dudes will tell you (I’ve done it myself) in all earnestness that we don’t have a type, or we’re not picky, etc., but then you realize that the girls you go after hard all have certain distinguishing characteristics.
For myself, I’ve noticed I gravitate towards, and am succesful with,1 black women who went to college, had their father present in the home, are intelligent, funny/witty/snarky, have real jobs, no kids, and carry minimal baggage. With women who lack more than two of those criteria – it never works. But I didn’t realize this until fairly recently. That’s because, like most men, I never sat around ‘pacifically thinking about my dream woman’s characteristics.
But I think it’s common across gender to actually, somewhere deep inside, have a dream-boo paradigm, or a set of dream-boo paradigms. Women just engage in that for sport from about the age of 13 on, while men do it unknowingly until they hit 30.
In re-reading this, I just caught myself faking the funk. In the list of things I like, I totally left out the fact that I like women who are very good-looking to me. I think this is an ommission that tons of people commit, probably for various reasons. Women do it because they want to appear to maintain the moral high ground above men who “only care about looks”. Men do it because often we are too often shamed by women about that fact that looks are sort of primal to us.
@Scipio Africanus
“had their father present in the home”
even if it wasn’t due to abandonment but death?
my father died when i was young, and it hasn’t turned me into a she-man hater nor as it turned me into a chick who wants a dude to spank me while i call him daddy in a childlike voice (shout out to cheekie and her recent blog post).
i understand where you are going with this..but wonder what made you come to this particular conclusion.
Thanks for the shout-out. Much obliged. Bubbles. No chimp.
Random question: as a divorceé I wondered how VSBs feel about women how have been married? No kids
I’ve encountered this a couple of times in the last 5 years. Honestly, it’s not preferrable for me, but if she’s under 32, or so (I’m 31), and I really dig her, I *think* I can handle it. I’m sure if I’m still single past 35, my outlook on this will be completely different.
Thanks. I was wondering a couple of dudes have told me this is no big deal I’ve heard if others that say is a negative. Guy I’m seeing now is like you might as well just say you’re single- you were only married a minute and y’all didn’t have kids.
Never heard it being a deal breaker, but I’m sure it is to someone. Which begs my next question when do you bring these things up?
OftenConfused – to me divorced just means currently single. lol
I created my mental list (Humble’s Rules) when I was about 21 years old after a string of hood rats, pretty girls, and college chics. Hanging out and kicking it with women from Toronto and Windsor partly inspired Humble’s Rules. When I rarely made exceptions I had no problems. I made the exception once and I don’t feel I will ever do it again. I’m still a little embarrassed about the stuff that I let pass and put up with that I normally wouldn’t. The plus side is that that experience made me a much better person in life and relationship wise. I really don’t want to make any exceptions. Once your heart is involved those exceptions you made start to kick your @ss in the relationship.
I realized when I got older is that I didn’t understand the dynamics or reasoning behind my dealbreakers. I just didn’t like it so I didn’t want to deal with it. Some people don’t make exceptions on certain things but those things are superficial and have no bearing on the success of a LTR.
One thing that baffles me is how women make exceptions for the worse of men. I really don’t see average men giving women passes for character flaws. It seems that women have to get Rodney King’ed by life before they don’t make exceptions for character. Some women give too many men that suck as people a pass
you know why I think that is, your last paragraph, is because alot of women don’t have good father’s growing up, a good example and proper guidance, and subsequently have to learn the hard way alot of times on their own thru trail and error and heartbreak etc.
the best teacher is experience, so they say, and hopefully one learns the first time or two without repeating the same lessons over and over….
made exceptions b/n 18-23, I no longer make exceptions. Experience taught me better *kanyeshrug*
Ok I’ve settled on something so huge, so so unthinkable that I’m almost afraid to admit…….(drum roll please)……………..
A Kneegro that wore Urban Wear in 2009!!! I’m talking: Sean John, FUBU, Roca Wear and… I’m afraid to say… Pelle Pelle
I had a temporary lapse of judgement. I met him 2 weeks after my birthday and 3 weeks before Christmas and I was lonely (tears)
Oh GOD please forgive me (sobbing uncontrollably while hanging my head in shame)
@The Frog Princess – wow. you dated a dude who wore Fubu.
I know, I know, I know, I had just celebrated my 30-something year old birthday with no date. Nia Long
Please don’t Flog me
Fubu coming back though!
(no it’s not)
^^
“Fubu coming back though!”
It will go well with a pair of Diadora’s and a Troop Jacket…KKK rumor.
I hope he was dead broke and his old place caught on fire so the only clothes he had to his name was those shameful threads that were at his mom’s house.
If that wasn’t the case and ninja was routinely getting that ish dry-cleaned and storing his “gear” in that special closet with that dry-cleaning plastic over it, you should remain in your sobbing state for at least 6 more months…sorry.
A Kneegro that wore Urban Wear in 2009!!! I’m talking: Sean John, FUBU, Roca Wear and… I’m afraid to say… Pelle Pelle
i weep for you…are you serious. That’s like women over 30 who wear apple bottoms or baby phat…no bueno.
Being single in the 30′s (around the holidays) will do it to you everytime (at least once)…it’s ok…don’t be too ashamed. If he had potential, you could take him shopping or make comments on how you like for your man to dress. If he has no potential then look at the bright side…you probably got a free meal and he kept your interest during this period
But he graduated from Morehouse, had only one and a half baby mommas and was 6’3″ tall!!!
I figured I could take him to Marshalls and make him spend his own money on some last season’s Ralph Lauren. It didn’t work, He had an “Urban Wear Mentality”
He had an “Urban Wear Mentality”
this has my cacklin over here
That’s like women over 30 who wear apple bottoms or baby phat…no bueno.
You just hurt a lot of women’s feelings. When I was a high schooler, my soon-to-be new boss that was 40+ showed up to her last interview wearing knock off Baby Phat. I knew nothing good was going to happen after she got hired.
@bougiefruit
40+ showed up to her last interview wearing knock off Baby Phat.
not even REAL baby phat but KNOCKOFF baby phat?? ugh.
I’m looking at a 38 year old co-worker right now that has on House of Dereon.
She’s creole with a lace front wig
DYING from the mental image
NOT BEYAWNCE!!??!!! LOL
I honestly believe that men don’t have a type EVERY man I know (family, friends etc.) end up dating or marrying someone who wasn’t their type. As long as there is some attraction and the man likes the woman, she’s fair game. I always giggle inside when a man wax poetic about his type, lol
What about those who aren’t dating or married? It’s possible that they have a type that they haven’t found yet.
Of course, they think they have a type, evey man has an ideal in his head. My general point is that like women, men frequently make exceptions. Many of those swingle men who are currently dating will probably end up with someone who is not their physical ideal. As a man matures, he start to apppreciate what really matters.
So, I had an epiphany after unintentionally posting with my government name…
I am single.
Perhaps, there is a correlation between the lack of “standards” listed here and my singleness.
Perhaps, the women who bend their rules do so as to gain a man. He may not meet all the qualifications, but he has potential to be trained.
*shrugs*
PS. Potential aint sh*t. The deepest need for all mankind is to be loved. If you love your idea of someone based on their potential then you don’t love them. Eff potential, look at reality.
“PS. Potential aint sh*t. The deepest need for all mankind is to be loved. If you love your idea of someone based on their potential then you don’t love them. Eff potential, look at reality.”
Well said. My friend was like alot of folks have potential but it never materializes. People can tell you about their hopes and dreams but unless they are actively trying to put them into motion it doesnt mean a thing.
I dated a lady with a donk. She turned out to be a miserable person who was too clingy. This left me wanting someone who was more independent.
I dated a beautiful and independent lady, but she was naive’, on drugs, and cheated.
I dated an educated, well-paid lady who professed to be Christian, yet she was a know-it-all, control-freak, semi-Republican, virgin who could not understand the concept of giving without the expectation of getting something in return (charity).
I dated someone who was beautiful and outgoing who cooked well and enjoyed receiving it in all holes sexually, but I realized she was an unemployed alcoholic who lost custody of her three youngest kids and had three ex husbands.
I dated an attractive lady with one kid and a love for intercourse. She turned out to be a loud, confrontational, contentious, gold-digger with severe trust issues.
I dated a slim, attractive, down-to-earth, well-employed professional lady with no kids. Our conversation, fun together, and her libido were almost non-existent.
The point that I hope to illustrate is that no matter what positive and desireable qualities a person has, there will always be qualities that you would prefer they didn’t have. Ultimately you have to decide whether the person you’re with makes you happy, and whether you could honestly see yourself with that person for the rest of your life. If so, so what if they don’t meet a long list of fairytale traits on a checklist!? You just have to choose what exceptions you can live with and do you.
I Co-sign the last paragraph of your post completely.
However; as a woman, if you want to be married, you have to date dudes that want to marry you. I’ve dated dudes that met 90% of the criteria that I was looking for – but didn’t want to marry (or marry me).
I’ve also dated dudes that met between 50-70% of my criteria and asked me to marry them and I declined (i’ve gotten 4 marriage proposals and been engaged twice).
My point is, what I’ve learned through my Sex in the City of Atlanta experiences, is that at some point, IF you want to be married you’re going to have to loosen you standards and date someone that does not meet your criteria. Including kids, bad credit, temporary unemployment, bad teeth and Lee Jeans!
@Caballeroso – this read like the masterpiece theater version of Jay’s “girls girls girls”
“I dated a lady with a donk. She turned out to be a miserable person who was too clingy.”
There is NO correlation here. Stop spreading lies…even if it’s unintentional. Then again…my mama…with negative donk…she can drop a man like a bad habit (having THEM calling her all the time). Hmm… *strokes chin*
Good comment, overall, though. Seriously.
Cheekie are we sisters?
My mom has negative donk and she has pulled the tallest, finest Black men in California. My step dad was, educated, 6’6″ and a Kappa (lol).
She did not impart that wisdom to me. I’ve had to learn the hard way (sigh)
lol!!
Very wise advice, my friend, very wise.
My last year/semester in undergrad, I was going through… no car, no phone, limited income… I was pretty much a bum. I still managed to pull an attractive chick in med school, from a well-to-do family. I guess she saw my potential. lol
@SouthernCharm – and there it is folks.
“and there it is folks.”
There’s what? Did she ever say she wouldn’t go for a bum? Them assumptions-jeans make your butt look big, Panda.
Kudos! I couldn’t agree more. The thing women need to do is figure out REALLY what they can’t live with. Kids, religion, good credit– NOT a deal breakers.
Unemployment….mmm, what’s the circumstance? Let me hear this!
Living with the next chick, the ex chick…DEAL BREAKER
WE need to shorten that list from 10 deal breakers to the top 5. Plus we should start focusing on the qualities we WANT and not the ones we don’t.
Pow!
KB
PS: Men settle all the damn time they just deal with it better!
*** Plus we should start focusing on the qualities we WANT and not the ones we don’t.***
So true we should focus on the negatives or the donts, focus on the positives the do’s.
Men are so full of it…ex. convo:
Men: I don’t date women with kids…I have to be the first guy (even though he may have two of his own)
Me: You do know I am a Mom right
Men: (insert dumb look right here) for real…how old is your kid because…I mean…is the dad around, because I can’t deal with any baby daddy drama
Me: She is almost 12 (give him the side-eye)
Men: Oh she almost grown…that’s cool…I love kids…I have some neices and nephews that age…they could hang out..do you want to have some more? I want at least 2 or 3…would you be up for 2 or 3 more within the near future?
story of my dating life
Lmmmaaaoooo…this is so true.
Or when they try to ‘befriend’ your kid to get close to you once you are comfortable with your child meeting them. That is still the issue with me unless the man has kids and our kids meet at the same time.
oh yeah. I had a guy keep asking about my daughter every time we spoke. (he hadn’t even met her yet) and kept saying “oh how is she, how’s she doing in school”…it creep’d me out
takes tangent…
so went to afrofest last weekend and while i was chatting with a friend of mine, a boy (8yo) came up to my girl. convo went a lil somethin like this..
child: do you know my dad?
mygirl: what? no? who is your dad? are you lost?
child: my dad is so and so
mygirl: i dont think i know your dad….
child: my dad told me to come over and ask you.
mygirl: umm..i think you should go back to your dad.
umm..seriously though?? SERIOUSLY???? that doesnt even work in the movies…WHOOO thought it would work in real life???????
ugh. memo: women if you didnt fall for wack game, there be no wack game played. there is only wack game/ponzi scheme/nigerian money email scams because someone says YES!!!!
I thought that was cute Keisha…. What did the dad look like? Did he have socks with his Adidas flip flops on?
yeah lol was he cute? But I agree that’s wiggidy whack approach me like a man.
@KB…yep, that would have turned me off. LOL…don’t send the kid especially with some stuff like that. Maybe if the kid was like, my dad thinks your pretty or, something…not do you know my dad?
bwahahahaha true… on top of dat… uh those questions the kid asked were HORRIBLE- Boo give yo son a better script- ugh!
Dammit @Jai I didn’t see your comment… duh well… great minds think alike.
*side note* I’mma have to stop reading yo comments if you gon’ keep putting up ridiculous pics like dat… lol
lol. you ladies kill me. really?
if a man needs a gimmick to approach you..he shouldnt be approching you. simple works best. 8.62timesoutta10 at least.
we did try to find him after (cuz she was curious), but alas, lots of peeps with pickney out and about.
So you dumped him, right? To protect your daughter…. Right?
“Men are so full of it…ex. convo:”
YOUR AVATAR is full of it. *cracks up*
Yes, this. I am a single mom and (some) dudes love to talk about how they don’t date women with kids, but then wanna holler at me. I guess the dunk overrode the “baby boy”. #Ving Rhames.
I’m still single though, so maybe they just didn’t want to be a stepdad. Oh well, on to the next one…#Little Jackie
12 is almost grown? Really?
when you consider 18 is 6 years away. I am only 32 so when I tell a man I have a child, they assume that she is between the ages of 2-7.
SouthernCharm said this:
“My last year/semester in undergrad, I was going through… no car, no phone, limited income… I was pretty much a bum. I still managed to pull an attractive chick in med school, from a well-to-do family. I guess she saw my potential. lol”
I think the key is determining whether or not the guy is a ‘good’ guy. There is nothing wrong with looking at potential; you just can’t try to reconfigure a negro. But, if he’s headed somewhere, exceptions may be ok.
I’m sure Michelle O. didn’t date big eared, yella goofy dudes who, although highly educated, was farther behind in his legal career and made less money than her….till she decided to take a look at his potential.
I’m sure Michelle O. didn’t date big eared, yella goofy dudes who, although highly educated, was farther behind in his legal career and made less money than her….till she decided to take a look at his potential
RFLMAO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Orrrrrrrrrrrrr….
…..Maybe, just maybe, you just landed a chic based on your character. Someone who cared about what was in your heart and not what was in your pocket.
Michelle O married potential? *cough*BS*cough*
Michelle O. married her reality. The reality that he was a man of good character. They shared moral standards, values, and passion.
Potential is overrated.
I think that was my core point: his character:
“I think the key is determining whether or not the guy is a ‘good’ guy. There is nothing wrong with looking at potential; you just can’t try to reconfigure a negro.”
The Michelle/Barry O thing was written tongue in cheek.
omg! yes!! thank you for reminding me of that!!
if you read dreams with my father, POTUS describes the work he had to put in to get her. and at first she wasn’t trying to hear him @ ALL!!! and now look! she’s the FLOTUS!!
moral of the story: im not quite sure yet. but i need to hold onto hope. a wise young VSS (Ms Esquire) told me: fear and faith can’t live in the same place.
*deeeeeep sigh.
Yes, I’ve made exceptions. No, it’s never paid off. No, I won’t do it again.
Since #2 mentioned religion i figured itd be fun to share this article on how the black church keeps black women single and lonely.
http://survivingdating.com/black-churches-how-black-churches-keep-african-american-women-single-and-alone
also see http://survivingdating.com/black-church-and-single-black-women
I love it already and I haven’t even read it. Thanks for posting.
Good post Panama. Since it is more directed to women, I will address the women.
I personally believe black women should NEVER compromise on their expectations in life or of a partner, but instead RAISE their standards and refuse to settle for anything less. Going a step further, they(and fathers) also need to instill this sort of thinking into their daughters as well. That way our young daughters will hopefully make smarter relationship decisions earlier on in life, as well as have a firm grasp of ideal characteristics to look for in a potential mate, thus avoiding most unecessary, avoidable, and regrettable dating mistakes.
Although life and experiences are our best teachers, it shouldn’t have to take many of our sistahs 28 years and 30 relationships(casual & serious) later to realize that the cat slanging in the streets with 3 baby mamas or the obviously no good @ss bruthah is not a proper choice for her.
Had she been socially equipped from birth to appreciate, glorify, desire, love and RESPECT herself first in addition to being taught/SHOWN that a loving, nurturing, respecful, honest, hard working black man is the ideal, her love and her time wouldn’t be so easily wasted on the undeserving and regretted years later.
Once women successfully attain a resonable sense of self worth, guided by strong principle & self respect, she will NEVER settle for less than what she deserves. The rippling effect is that it will undoubtedly force black men to step their game up in life in order to be considered a candidate for her love.
However, the problem is that too many women dont get to this level of ‘enlightenment’ and start putting their foot down until their late 20′s early 30′s. By that time, she’s already spent her entire dating life actively enabling and nurturing a generation of mediocre half @ssed n*ggaz.
A vicious cycle indeed.
The solution for this “Exception F*ckery” -aka- “Lowered Expectations” is to teach and equip your daughters to be queens not only in theory, but more importantly, in practice. Take that 30 year old earned epiphany, and impart on your daughter the images & knowledge of what a
GOODGREAT man is. The earlier, the better. That way, hopefully she wont spend her teens chasing idiots and her 20′s foolishly trying to ‘change a man’.Once this is accomplished, we will be well on our way to collectively building a nation of Unicorns.
I agree that women should be socialized to more effectively handle relationships.
I also think men should be socialized to more effectively be the men these women wouldn’t have to make exceptions for.
A big issue right now is that I’ve realized (not 30 yrs and 30 relationships later, so I guess I’m doing well) that I won’t make ANY exceptions for who I’d like to be with and that I’ll go cold turkey without a dude if he doesn’t come at me correctly, even if it means dying alone, lol. But I’ve also realized that having such high standards for men COULD very well mean you DO end up alone, because many men (not ALL) are PERFECTLY happy being subpar and pull plenty of women as such, and therefore, have no reason to change.
So ladies, have high standards, and KEEP them, NO MATTER WHAT. But also make sure you have plenty of friends, hobbies, a good job and several tons of AAA batteries to keep you busy while you’re waiting for your Mr. Right.
I agree men must also be socialized. Unfortunately, many brothas lack good male role models. A lot of them aren’t taught how to be a man or how to love a woman. Sadly, many resort to defining their manhood through their sexual powers.
.
Fatherlessness in the black community affects all of us, both men and women. It affects a woman’s self-esteem and often leaves her with feelings of rejection and abandonment. It also affects men in similar ways, and it robs them of a necessary role model. So many men learn how to be men on the streets
What’s even more sad, I notice a lot of men seem unwilling or afraid (yea don’t deny it) to grow up and become responsible MEN. The idea of marriage, kids and fidelity shouldn’t be foreign to straight men b/n 30-40, but for some it is.
@ Mr SoBo
i like your post and wish that we could see it happen.
there was a point where all i was attracting were dudes from the US. and not just during caribana, everywhere! it was pure madness. so i went with it. i got over my fear of flying and flew to bos, fl, va and nyc. one almost ended with me moving and a broken engagement and one ended in a heartbreaking way. my cell phone provider LOVES me cuz it went through the roof. US customs got used to my face.
i know hindsight is clearer than acuvue lenses – but i wouldn’t trade any of these experiences for anything. truly. the nights i’ve cried, the high phone bills..i’d keep them all. if i were to die tomorrow, my friends and fam will know that i lived my life as well as i could. i held nothing back. it will also make me appreciate the dude that much more that ends up putting a ring on it. you truly cannot know good without experiencing bad.
some might say: well, do you have to get burned by fire to know it hurts? obviously not – but that’s a physical thing and logical. when it comes to matters of the heart, trying to insert logic is the most illogical thing to do. if we did – 99.53% of the exceptions people make – would never happen.
i’ve gotten older and wiser and have made some decisions about what i’d do again and what i’d never do again.
words of wisdom i’d pass onto my daughter(s) would be to always trust your instincts. we have them but ignore them. she will have her heartbroken. i cannot shield her from it, but i can teach her to never let it change who you are. just let it be an lesson to learn from. she wont get me then, but she’ll get me later. maybe even thank me. drizzy.
@Sobo
All of this is beautiful, poetic and true except for one thing:
There is always a woman out there willing to give a man whatever he wants which makes it hard for real women.
If you’re wondering why it takes a woman til the age of 30+ to realize and do what she should be doing is because this is the age when men finally mature…a little. Truth is: we can sit here and wait for the right man but we gotta wait a loooong time cause most men don’t start acting right until 30. Until then, we stay alone and alone is lonely. So many women compromise themselves to fit in and not be lonely. My mother made me promise to not have sex until sophomore year of college. Her reasoning was this is when a man might start to treat me seriously, until then it’s all games. I thought she was crazy but she was right. I lost it at 20…yes 20 and it was TOUGH and very lonely. I had to watch all my friends have fun and meet guys and experience life while I missed out on alot. And the guys had all kinds of nick names for me and I got hated on alot by the men. I grew up with a mom and dad who made me feel like I was a princess but what about the women that didn’t get that growing up? It’s just unrealistic. I don’t think I would have been less of a woman if I had dibbled and dabbled with young boys a bit. I think everything we go through makes us who we are today. We don’t all start out with a good foundation. Some of us are just plain bad mothers and non existent fathers. As long as there is a boat load of shiddy men out there, there will be women mistakenly dating them. We need better fathers. Better fathers to raise the men right and show their daughters love so she doesn’t run into the arms of the wrong man.
I’m a single mother and I teach my daughter everything I possibly can. I can say I know I am a great mother. However I also know that if she does not get love from a father she is high statistic to seek love from boys. I’m doing everything I can. I got all the males in my family spending time with her but I’m scared half to death of what’s to come and the peer pressures she will face. Being bad is easy. It was very hard constantly doing the right thing growing up.
Many men won’t even consider loving a woman unless she gives him sex first. I dated a guy who told me straight up “don’t hug up on me anymore until you’re ready cause I can’t take it”. (it had only been a few weeks of dating) -_- I’m 30 and single. I keep meeting these red flags…so where are all these great available men?
“I keep meeting these red flags…so where are all these great available men?”
You tell me and we’ll both know. Maybe they’re out there and I’m just not attracting them? Hmmm….
Also, I have a similar story. I lost it at 20, but not because I was told to, mainly because I was a tomboy and a late bloomer and struggled with my weight and, therefore, in getting guys to like me. Unlike you, I don’t have any children, but very much like you, I was raised by two very loving parents who were always married and showed me what a functional romantic relationship (and family) look like. You’d think it would be a good thing, but it makes it even harder to see that the functional family relationship and functional romantic relationships between men and women seem to be going the way of the dinosaur. I’d love a dude like my dad, and I’ve decided (like you), to hold out for him, but patience is not a virtue I posses.
oh we are alike! I love my dad and know my chances are slim to none in finding a man like him. I’m not that patient. I keep compromising for these men even though they have the red flags waving behind their heads. *sigh*
My goal is to find a man NOTHING like my father. Slim chances of that too, I guess. Still hoping.
@ Keisha Brown & SFG
Yes, my post is intentionally idealistic. However, you must note that out of idealism, realism is birthed. If not for idealistic goals, we would have nothing to strive towards.
I just want to clarify that I am not suggesting that any person be devoid of life experiences. We will all experience heartache. We will all make mistakes. These things are inevitable. I am simply saying that many foolish negative experiences/mistakes, through proper nurturing and development, can be avoided.
@Keisha Brown – . Let’s be perfectly honest, (generally speaking of course) women tend to make very poor relationship decisions. Why? Because they forgo logic and instinct and entrust their hearts and emotions with the decision making. All I am saying is that perhaps, it wouldnt be a bad idea if women injected a bit more logic in their romantic endeavors. Remember, you choose the men that enter your heart and your bedroom, they don’t choose you. Logic will save your @ss.
@SFG
“There is always a woman out there willing to give a man whatever he wants which makes it hard for ‘real’ women” Yes, but why would a real woman be concerned with a man that doesn’t want her? And why would a ‘real’ woman stoop to a ‘fake’ woman’s level just to have a man?
If your principles and moral fiber discourages certain men from pursuing you, those are men you do not need. Your personal convictions are naturally weeding out potential mates. Honor your convictions.
” I keep meeting these red flags…so where are all these great available men?” Everywhere, except where you are not looking.
“Many men won’t even consider loving a woman unless she gives him sex first.” So when faced with this scenario, what are you suggesting is the proper thing to do then SFG?
yes dad *sigh* i won’t. i’m trying to be smart and wait it out.
u see how i always pour my life experiences to you for answers? and then you make me find the answer just like my dad would. smh
@SFG -” I love my dad and know my chances are slim to none in finding a man like him….u see how i always pour my life experiences to you for answers? and then you make me find the answer just like my dad would. smh”
You’re search has ended.
bwah ha i choked. Nick would slice me up. You should start a blog…and only i can ask you questions. lol
@ Mr SoBo
“it wouldnt be a bad idea if women injected a bit more logic in their romantic endeavors”
Except for when we do: we’re labelled as bougie/stuckup/highsiddiddy etc… Not everything is so black and white. Sure there are situations in which we should just stop. and think. (goes back to the not ignoring one’s instincts). But we act as though that as adults we’re not subject to peer/societal pressures, when in fact they get worse because the stakes are higher.
“so where are all these great available men?” Everywhere, except where you are not looking.”
So now we’re supposed to be looking??? It’s been said that we’re not supposed to look because that makes us desperate and etc..
im exhausted with trying to navigate the rules and do’s and don’ts. the male perspective is valuable, it’s why i neglect work and sleep to read/post/interact on vsb.com. it gives us insight to how you guys think. but there arent that many ‘universal truths’ that is consistent across all males.
that’s also the problem with steve harvey’s title. if men wanted someone that thinks like them..they’d date men.
we’re labelled as bougie/stuckup/highsiddiddy etc…
What do you care what somebody labels you? Heck you are trying to find your mate FOR LIFE!!! Shidd… Call me everything but a child of God if you wish, I don’t give a rat’s arse.
There is always a woman out there willing to give a man whatever he wants which makes it hard for real women.
SFG darling, until you stop living by this mantra, it will be hard to actually live your life to the fullest.
Yes there are other women out there, but there also are other men out there. And those people out there should not determine what you do with your life. Like my dad used to say, “so if so-and-so jumped off a building, you will do it too?”… Yes, maybe jumping off a building provided them with what they want temporarily, but the consequence (being splashed on the floor) is NOT worth it.
Living YOUR life according to your terms, will make your life satisfying and rich all on its own, and will bring whoever you need to have along that journey with you.
Seriously, if you start believing something, that something becomes your reality. It is a fact. So just be the best SFG you can be, determine what makes SFG the best SFG she can be and that should be plenty enough. The rest will come or not… At least, you get to live with the best SFG there is.
@SmartfoxGirl ,
Well Im 23 year old vsb….and let me say, I know there are a lot of dudes who seemingly are ‘bad black men’, but there are a lotta good dudes out here.
I think the reason a lot of guys dont ‘get their act right til 30′ is because of what society has done to black men. Black men are basically valued for 1) Our apparent expertise in the bedroom, or 2) Our athletic ability. Number 1 is the killer. Our music, our culture, our friends, and everything else related to black men tells black men if you aint getting not only p*ssy, but lots of it, then you arent worth sh*t. You can disagree, but its true. Basically, that mentality doesnt make black men wanna be good fathers, or be good husbands/boyfriends. It probably does take some black men til the age of 30 to realize that there is more to life than than sleeping around.
Furthermore, from my experience, I USED to say that black women didnt want a nice guy, because whenever i was nice to them, shit never seemed to work out. Maybe the fact that I was 23 had a lot to do with it. lol. But really, the same you feel about dudes, I used to feel about black women. I felt like they all said they wanted someone good to them, but when you were good, they took it for granted.
But then I did some introspection and realized, that I did have some dating habits(like being way too nice, made me seem desperate and clingy) which are highly unattractive to most women. In the end, I had to take a serious look at myself, and I realized I had a lot to work on before I could call myself a ‘good black man’ lol.
All I can say is, keep you head up, smartfoxgirl. There’s a dude out there. But maybe take a look at the places you normal go to socialize with men. that might help. good luck
Who said they act right after 30? Oh are YOU in for a surprise.
i swear i search for your comments on here
You never disappoint!
@Mr. SoBo (but also Humble One and CBG as far as the men are concerned)
While those great dads are schooling their daughters, they also need to school their sons on how to be honorable, integrity filled, strong charactered men by lead and example.
You make it sound so wasted years LOL, you live, you learn, you do better, thats the formula for whomever, and whatever. At least some folk do learn, because not all do, even when they have great role models, nothing sadder than old fools. Get the lesson, the earlier the better of course, but even if it takes a lil longer, and NO regrets!
off subject, I listened to Janelle’s archandroid and i literally love every song…and i cosign on your comment as always.
This is for all the ladies esp Keisha Brown and SFG btw welcome to Metropolis SFG
a favorite quote these comments have brought to mind…
“And what is the purpose of life? It is the freedom of life, the liberation of life from all things, or
the liberation which comes when you have gone thru all experiences and are, therefore, beyond all experience….
welcome to your heart every experience, however unpleasant, however delightful, so as to make your life
full as the rain-drop”
Juddha Krishnamurti
Hopefully more pleasant than naught tho ladies, but it all comprises our rain drops LOL
*hand claps and finger snaps*…someone asked the same thing: what is our purpose in life. Something to really think about.
@OSHH: thank you. i hope i can really take those words in, let them sit, soak and marinate and come out delicious.
@ Orange Star Happy Hunting
*sigh*
Nice quote.
Clearly more fluff to appease the female sensibilities.
Finding comfort in what makes one feel good as opposed to what is good seems to be the backbone of the female dilemma and frustration.
Let’s brush everything under the rug and just continue to think happy thoughts. The preferred solution among women apparently.
*sigh* I tried.
*removes cape and walks sulkenly into the sunset*
wow! who peed inna your cornflakes?
mi nah give you no milk! mek di fadda do-eet!
(yep, i quote that lil jamaican girl on the regular)
Oh shoot! To quote a gem in American cinema, “That was way harsh, Tai.”
O.K., Panama, you are C-R-A-Z-Y! Good crazy, but crazy none the less. I like it.
Your name is eerily similar to Panama. In terms of how it sounds when you say it out loud and ish. Panama, is this your alter-ego? Do you have something you want to tell us?
I’ve been on the receiving end of age. ‘i would date you, but you’re too young.’ One week later… ‘meet my new boyfriend. He’s the lead actor on the Electric Company. He’s a bit young, but he’s got a great career in acting.’
Well done.
Good stuff peej. Made me think about my growth to this point in how/why I would select/deselect a candidate.
Yeah, my list used to be a rather lengthy “test”. Each item had a 1-5 rating, and especially important factors were weighted. kept getting 80′s but the other 20 was all from the some the most basic/weighty areas.
at this time, I don’t actually have a list. I don’t even consciously think about it. I’ll know it when I know it. Past experience has taught a great deal, but I can’t really think of any hard nose “deal breaker”, as much as “mandatory”. and there is absolutely no wiggle room with the mandatory items.
1. Have to be at least where I am with my relationship with God. He has to attend a church house regularly, the communal worshiping is encouraging to christians. He has to tithe, and seek God for advice on all things. Not for me, or tradition but because that is his desire. This is multi-fold.
a. I might seem a bit like a freak if you are not at a similar place. Can’t be involved with someone I can’t be me with, and I’m not working with you to get there. We can be cool though!
b. I am celibate. yeah. prolly only gonna be able to, possibly, deal with that if it’s because you are on it as well.
c. I don’t trust anyone to make decisions for me but me…however, I trust God more. So, for me to submit the way I want to to my guy, I need to know that he is getting his direction from the only one I trust with my life.
You’re either here or you aren’t. Won’t take long to find out.
2.Loves chilren. If the scary dream was my guy, he would prolly come up missing after the statement about expectations. Plus, I already have an absolutely amazing lil girl, and he’s gonna need to be able to fall in love with her as well as the rest of our children. (no kids used to be on my list, but obviously, I learned in my own experience, ish happens to the most cautious and responsible of us. There are still limits and provisions in this mental category.)
3. Have to be able to love me the way I need you to. Had some amazing guys in the past. It either works for me or it doesn’t. Had a proposal or two, and some wonderful relationships. Only one could potentially have been my husband. We related right. Gotta be able to balance being my friend, as well as lover. Just works or doesn’t, can’t really extrapolate on that one too much.
outside of that it’s either a ‘PUH-LEASE” or I’m pretty flexible.
Puh-lease:
weed head (or substance dependancy of any kind)
needy
can’t get with me on music, exit stage left, expeditiously
liars
illegitimate hustler
pretentious
a lil gay/ gayish/ female tendancies/cam’ron/bishazzness…I need a man. Fred Flintstone might have a better chance than dude who cries, no matter what else he brought to the table. There are only 4 reasons he can cry without me asking if his uterus is talking. I’m hard-Rihanna
…basicly, this list is stuff that really doesn’t need mentioning as you prob won’t get past date 1, if you get the digits.
Not cocky at all, but I will not lose…Jigga
Wait. There are so many contradictions here I don’t know where to begin, so I’ll just zero in on 2. The first, I am assuming you are divorced or the celibacy started after the birth of your child out of wedlock? Did neither of those events make you think, “perhaps I should ease up on my judgments of other people?” You know…the whole “splinter and plank in the eye” Jesus thing. And second..”a man can’t cry?” Here’s the only Bible verse I have bothered to remember “Jesus wept.” Your point then is this guy who you say you have this unshakeable relationship with and who is god to you…is a punk. Really?
Yea….what @plumpdn said. lol
But seriously, I can understand you not wanting an overly boo-hooing emotional man. However, men have emotions. We do cry. Any dude who says otherwise is either lying to himself, or holding all his emotions inside, and he will end up shooting somebody when his emotions do overflow, and the latter is bound to happen.
Basically, just like how society misrepresents black women and make it seem like they must be independent/desperate/ whatever when getting a dude; our fucked up society also calls black men ‘punks’ when they are able to show their emotions. Thats why you have so many emotionally crippled men, who are so pressed to be ‘hard’, they can’t even open themselves up to a woman
Jared,
I agree with your analysis. Women get with thee “no tears ever” thugs, then said “you see? ninjas ain’t shipI He ain’t even care about me or his child” Well damn, if he did, you would probably call him a punk. I also don’t think anyone, woman or man, should be straight bawling at the drop of a hat (I HATE when people cry for nothing), but homegirl basically said like “not a tear”…not one. WTF?
forgive me if someone has said this already. i am not tryna wade through 400+ comments cuz i got other thangs to do … lol
my theory: women do this because we’re taught to be desperate. seriously. from the moment we’re born, black women are taught to be desperate and accept B.S. from men.
we’re told to be nice and not judge a man until we “get to know him.” we’re encouraged to date Brokey McFlatpockets because “you never know. maybe he’s living with his mama so he can save up for a house.” we’re encouraged to give a man a chance because we “might be just the thing he needs in his life to put him on the right track.” no really. i heard a 60 year old man say those EXACT words at a 4th of july BBQ. even worse, the dude he was talking about was 55.
and we get these messages from everyone, including our mamas in some cases. and they should know and want better.
men don’t get those messages. y’all are told “you can’t turn a ho into a housewife.” but women? we’re told “you can raise that pimp up and turn him to a preacher,” and “you can turn that crack dealer into a CEO.” the f*ck?
LOLOL.
I’m not sure if I’ve ever been told to give a man a chance by anyone of influence in my life. I wanna say most of the dating advice I received was from my grandmother, and my stepdad has been advising me a lot lately….and really both of them have always been like, don’t settle, find your match and be patient. Dont settle for no chump. Society at large may be purporting these things, though. I’m sure a Tyler Perry movie or two are guilty of this lol.
“I’m sure a Tyler Perry movie or two are guilty of this lol.” yup.
my mom did this too though. she said “you know, there’s not a lot of good men out there. and he IS nice to you. he DOES help out around the house,” but the ninja was unemployed for like 6 of the 18 months we were together. what? i mean he was a good dude if you define good as “not abusive, an ex-con, or an addict.” maybe she was okay with it because she knew i wasn’t going to marry his a** … lol.
Sigh, I come from a single mother home with sisters. More than once (or 4x), some man moved in cause he was down on his luck, either mom’s or sister’s, generally after a few months of being together. There was always some excuse [he can't find a job that pays more than unemployment, if he works a regular job all his money will go to child support/back taxes, he has sensitive hands]. Cracking up as I write this but unfortunately these were real excuses.
*There was always some excuse [he can’t find a job that pays more than unemployment, if he works a regular job all his money will go to child support/back taxes*
I’ve been in Lurksville for a while but this comment yanked me out. What’s with brothas and back taxes sh*t? When did it become ok to tell a woman you’ve been dating for 2 minutes (ok…may be 2 months) about your troubles with uncle sam?
Wait….should this have made the “I’d Love To Stay, But I’ve Got To Go: Ways To Get Out After Going In” list? dayum!!!
I’m not sure if I’ve ever been told to give a man a chance by anyone of influence in my life
Same here. My dad will cut me with a knife if I did some foolishness over a dude. As the oldest of 4 girls, expectations are HIGH.
I remember when I was going through the wedding preps with the ex-fiance. I knew I didn’t want to go through with it, but I didn’t know how to tell that to anybody… certainly not my mother who was (and still is) head over heels for that dude. But when I said it to my father, he didn’t quite fully understand but he would be damned if I was going to be unhappy.
It made it easier to walk away… and by easier I mean the Ex and his family didn’t talk to us for a good 6 months afterwards.
so true, every other woman can ask for the best except for a sister. The minute a sister has standards she’s “too picky.” Or we get the “why you think your black behind deserve alladat” side eye
Since you VSS’s in this thread seem to take so much silly advice to heart, how about this:
In my 23 years of life, I have learned one thing, I won’t get anything if I dont think it can happen. I wont get into med school, I wont get that bad puerto rican girl with the crinkly hair(kidding, I like afro-having sistas! lol). I wont become the man I want to be if I have a negative outlook.
My point, regardless of what people tell you, if you are not positive about your ability to catch a good man, then it probably wont happen. Keep your standards, keep a list in your louis bag why dont cha. but if you don’t keep your head up, I wont be able to see you….
This post is so true that it saddens me and causes me to hanging my head in shame. I won’t incriminate myself and tell you all of the things I’ve “compromised” on…but it’s like if you’re a woman with a strict list, you get downed for it and people blame the list for your singledom. But then you compromise those standards and end up unhappy anyway.
Damned if you do, damned if you don’t! Walking away…head still down…
*sigh*
I know each of the listed “exceptions” all too well, unfortunately.
Had to get to a “fed up” point and grow the hell up to remove myself from the situations but I guess it was a lesson I had to learn.
I think at one point in my life or another I’ve made at least 4 out of these 5 exceptions.
I hate I missed this discussion.Freaking jet lag/time change!
I didn’t want to date a smoker but my ex smoked cigarettes like nobody’s business. I couldn’t even justify the exception I just accepted it…
I just thought about it and I don’t make exceptions. I have never dated anyone with children (although now that I’m over 30, that’s no longer on my list of ‘no’s), or who was unemployed, or who smoked, and I am turned off by men who want to go to church (yet I get them all the time). And I rule out men who do any of these things (or have), no matter how much I’m feeling them. However, I think it’s because I don’t make concessions that I haven’t dated since I was 29 (I’m 33). So there’re something to be said for conceding, as A LOT of men are a mess. I don’t plan to start conceding (my main dealbreakers besides STIs are age (no more than 10 year age diff) and joblessness), but if I did, I wouldn’t be the 3rd wheel as often, I guarantee you.
Wait, so you dont like dudes who want to go to church?! Ima take a guess and say thats a typo….if not, please explain my dear…
I am not a Christian. I have been a Christian and I have no desire to date a Christian 1) because Christianity does not appeal to me and 2) he should not be dating me (unequally yoked and all that) and I’ll add 3) Christian men are either extremely guilty about sex or suspiciously guilt free even though they say they are born again. I am a straight forward person. I do as I believe. If you don’t, you’re shady to me. That’s the explanation.
maybe I overlooked this in the comments, but penis action should be on this list.
i know quite a few ladies who hang around in the hopes that things will get better (unfortunately not bigger). they see the guy’s potential in all other areas except sexually and when it does not work out, they don’t even have cancellation prizes.
Wait. What? You’ve gotta be kidding me!! This is fake right? Who makes these exceptions????!!!! I need answers!!!!
OMDayum!!! I’m LATE, my bad. I just recently came across your site through CLUTCH and I am more than impressed and appreciative of the utter frankness of this website and you personally “P”. U are on point and hilarious at the same time. Thanks