Who is Drake?
Drake is a walking, talking text message read receipt.
Who is Taylor Swift?
Taylor Swift is White.
Why are they in the news today?
They’re both very famous. Drake for crafting the soundtrack for feckless millennial fuckboys (like him) and somehow, through sheer force of personality and recent beardedness, convincing America that’s not exactly who he is and what he’s doing. And Taylor Swift for sprinkling her brand of intentionally obtuse privilege on our populace and pupils and public radio stations like powdered sugar on post-racial funnel cake.
Anyway, earlier today a rumor hit the Internet that these unfathomably famous Anthropologie co-workers might be dating each other.
Wait, isn’t Drake dating Rihanna? How are these rumors even a thing?
Drake is “dating” Rihanna the same way Jorah Mormont is dating Daenerys Targaryen. I’m sure there’s love there, but Rihanna would much rather burn huts and ride dragons. I’m 99% certain she saw “Drake and Taylor Swift” trending, smiled, said “Good for Aubrey,” and continued watching shark attacks on YouTube.
So what happens next?
I’m going to finish drinking this ginger ale sitting in front of me. And then I’m going to the gas station. Because my car needs gas. Maybe later I’ll get a slice of pizza and…
No, I meant what happens next with Taylor and Drake?
I’m 99% certain this rumor is not true. A percentage that’s only matched by how desperately I want it to be true. Can you imagine the glorious and ridiculous and angsty and overwrought tweets and status messages and thinkpieces that would generate? And not just articles and blogposts, but I can totally see them creating a joint album together and naming it Thinkpieces. Which would only be released on a GroupMe called “The Wind” where they’re the only two members.