In July, GQ Magazine ran a companion piece for the movie Sex Tape, the ridiculously titled “We Strenuously Fact-checked the Entire Premise of Sex Tape: An Investigation.” In this feature, Lauren Bans contacted an Apple Genius and rattled off “hypothetical” situations taken from the movie to see just how possible it would be for someone to view pics and vids in the cloud that weren’t their’s.
Apple: Videos can be backed up to iCloud, but what that means is the video would be saved as, like, a backup. But you wouldn’t be able to share it with anyone. No one can go into the iCloud and watch the video.
GQ: Okay. So let’s say I made my sex video, and somehow it got into the Cloud, and then I gave iPads as gifts to a hundred of my friends and family. What are the chances they would ever get that sex video on their iPads?
Apple: Impossible. They can’t connect to your iPad over, like, a network and just get info. You would be the one who has control.
GQ: Okay, that’s so good to know. Do you guys have an official policy on sex videos? I assume you probably hear from people like me a lot.
Apple: …there’s not really a policy on that. What you do is your personal business and that’s your own privacy…the only thing you can really know is, we’re just not liable for if something got out there.
Who would’ve known that just three days into the month of September we’d be living the contradiction to these very claims, with the illegally hacked images of Jennifer Lawrence, Jill Scott and God knows who else being leaked on the internet.
I won’t get into the stupid-ass fucking conversation that sounds something like “well, they shouldn’t have been taking pictures if they didn’t want them to get leaked.” Why? Well, because it’s a stupid-ass fucking conversation. They are grown-ups who have sex with other grown-ups. Many grown-ups — included many reading this right now — take intimate pictures and videos, and share them with people they’re romantically involved with. There is an expectation of privacy with this exchange, and there is NOTHING WRONG WITH DOING THAT.
Instead, being the nude pic prodigy that I am, I decided to gather a few rules of etiquette for the sharing of sexy pictures, learned from my years of, um, sexy picture taking (and receiving).
First rule of the game is never ask for nudes. There’s absolutely no sexy or remotely appealing way to ask to see another person’s privates unless you’re in close physical proximity to each other and someone is, in fact, about to get the business. Asking for nudes, especially from someone you haven’t had sex with yet, on a scale of one to sexual predator would probably score you a solid Stevie J. The other person should feel comfortable and confident on their own IF they decide to send, which leads me to my next point…
Never send unsolicited nudes. The problem with unsolicited nudes isn’t the surprise, it’s that it’s usually the absolute wrong damn time to receive them. We all love the fantasy of receiving dirty pics to save our mind from a boring meeting, but the reality is that it can be a huge distraction. Not to mention it’s a little more difficult for us guys to conceal our enthusiasm than it is for women. It’s always awkward explaining you need a few minutes to gather your notes when everyone is leaving the conference room, and that’s just on a good day. Sending nudes when I’m in a bad mood and our relationship is just casual [redacted], is the quickest way to get curved out of the rotation.
So now you’re probably asking “If I can’t ask for them, and I can’t send them on my own, when CAN I send them, Ryan?” As cliché as it is, you’ll know when. If you’re in a relationship, seriously dating or have some type of regular physical relationship, these rules don’t apply. But if you haven’t reached that yet, the time for you will come soon after the first time your conversation trends to bedroom activities.
We’ve all been there, innocent chit chat turns into “Oh I know how to put it down” which leads into likes and dislikes and then the rest is history. Once you’ve reached that point, it’s ok so send a few teasers or thirst traps to test the waters before you deliver the whole sha-bangy-bang.
And when you do…make sure you’re sending to someone you trust. You would think that it’d be common sense that not everyone is deserving of, or can be trusted with your nudes but careless people never cease to amaze. I’m not saying that anyone deserves to have their privacy violated, but there’s absolutely a risk you run when putting something valuable in someone else’s hands.
The next point is a bit reactive, maybe even petty, but it is what it is. Always collect insurance. And it’s not as simple as having their nudes too. Sometimes you need shots or footage of the other person in a compromising position. You also have to know what their triggers are. It would never ruffle my feathers if my nudes leaked, but if you were to catch me sleeping, or watching my Beyonce DVD’s I’d probably jump off a cliff. Again, this isn’t the most honorable line of defense, but it gets real out here in these tweets.
Let’s say the worst happens and for some reason your nudes do leak, it would be even more frustrating to be looking at one generic shot that got sent to multiple bae’s and being able to know who the culprit was. Combat this by sending unique nudes to each recipient. I know it’s taxing trying to take new pics from your favorite angles all over again but at least this way you’ll know exactly who has what, and with these strict new Jennifer Lawrence Standards, someone. will. pay.
The sixth and final rule is simple and to the point, no face, no scandal. We’ve actually all heard this, or some version of this before. For me, again I’m a pro at this, even with my tattoos, I know exactly what lighting to shoot under and what angles to hit to get a great shot of a nearly indistinguishable brown-skinned man. Know your angles, that’s a free bonus.
While this is definitely 48% jokes, it’s important to stress just how damaging and disrespectful sharing someone’s nude pictures, which they trusted to you, can be. I’d tell you the only safe way to interact is abstinence but it’s also 2014. And you hoes aint loyal.
May the odds be ever in your favor, bro/sis.