“i’ll speak with yo mama outside”
along with being the working title for the sequel to “i’m gonna git you sucka”, this phrase was also apparently uttered by esteemed harvard professor henry louis gates when arrested outside of his home july 16th.
although you can seriously side-eye the strange logic in charging a 58 year old man with a cane, a noticeable limp, and the same izod shirt michael evans rocked in the “love has a spot on his lungs” episode of “good times” with disorderly conduct, there’s no doubt in my mind that dr. gates probably could have handled the situation a bit better.
while blacks in america definitely have a couple hundred thousand reasons to be cop cynics, we also have a tendency to sometimes get ourselves in more trouble than necessary just by being black and unnecessarily hostile
with this in mind, and keeping with our commitment to fight crime, here’s the vsb do’s and dont’s of dealing with the police
1. do mute your music
it doesn’t take a rocket surgeon to realize that your chances of getting arrested will probably increase by 70% if they stop you or stop by and you happen to be blasting “kill dat f*ggott” by styles p.
with this in mind, i try to always have a little john tesh in close range. you can’t go wrong with roundball rock
2. don’t be too nervous
while a bit of anxiety is understandable, you should probably try not to sweat so badly that you began to smell exactly how luis scola looks
3. do pay attention
while they’re taking notes on you, from their breath to their badge numbers you should be studying everything you can possibly learn about them. it may seem insignificant at first, but, as the wnba has taught us so far, insignificance apparently matters.
4. do have big boobs
i briefly dated a chick who’s currently in college who drove like a black female combination of ted kennedy and jr smith. yet, she’s never received any type of ticket, and the only reason for this has to be her tremendous, baxter-esque boobage.
for every other terrible woman driver born without a ridiculous rack, i have one word for you: swallow
5. don’t escalate the situation
always remember that scale is important. basically, it’s probably not the best idea to sneak behind him and smash him with a brick if you catch him giving you a parking ticket. save the cop killing to seasoned professional murderers like bryan mills and ray lewis
6. do tell the truth…
7…don’t say every damn thing.
“yeah, officer. i did have a couple of drinks earlier tonight”
“yeah, officer. i did have a couple of drinks earlier tonight. i bought some calico jack for my daughter and her friends after soccer practice, but they couldn’t drink it all so i finished it up. you know whats funny? if you take a couple shots immediately after injecting crystal meth, it tastes exactly like kiwi-strawberry vitamin water. haha. thats almost as funny as the face that tranny hooker made last weekend after i stabbed him.”
8. do remember that the vast majority of cops are just doing their jobs just like you, and hate unnecessary adversity and paperwork…just like you.
while bullies with badges do definitely exist, most will be happy to send you on your way as long as you don’t give em a reason not to, and uttering a strange mother-related insult that sounds like something ruby ray moore would have said in “petey wheatstraw” definitely qualifies
i’m sure i’m missing a few. any additions?