i’m all f*cked up, and it’s all hollywoods fault.
you see, being raised on a steady diet of sh*t like the war of the roses, waiting to exhale, and fatal attraction led me to believe that all romantic break-ups were brutal bloodfeuds, replete with vicious insults, violent threats, hateful feelings, torn rabbits, microwaved weave, and white women.
this faulty expectation left me ill-equipped and unprepared for real life, where the vast majority of adult break-ups occur while both parties still have generally positive feelings towards each other, a fact that occasionally turns this simple process into a prolonged lesson in passive-aggressive bitchassedness.
because i suspect many of you suffer from this same deadly affliction, here’s the vsb do’s and dont’s of breaking up with someone you still actually like
don’t be scared to let them hate you
i made this mistake once, allowing the fact that i still cared about her prolong the break-up process. thing is, it had nothing to do with her and everything to do with the fact that i didn’t want her to hate me, a selfish thought process which is basically a sure-fire way to insure she’ll eventually hate you anyway, lol.
don’t double dip
because most grown women love keeping their “numbers” down more than crackheads love home depot, if you’ve had a somewhat cordial break-up, theres a chance you’ll be getting that late text, that “i’ll bring the latext, you just bring that great sex” text from her sometime in the next couple of months. you’ll have your reservations, but she’ll swear that she’ll be cool and that it’ll just be sex without any emotional attachment, and she’ll be lying her dimpled in the right light ass off.
unless you want to go through another six months of guilt-ridden “so…you can break my back but you can’t be with me???” texts, just try not to ever sleep with her again¹
do make sure that they’re the first to know
lets just say that its probably not the best idea to discuss your plans in a conference call with her mom and stepdad a week before you tell her.
don’t do any public executions
break-ups should be done as discreetly as possible, with you two as the only audience. with that being said, i’d stay away from secluded areas like the woods, the desert, or detroit just to quell any temptation of murdering you
don’t explain exactly why…unless they ask.
if so, do lie.
they say honesty is the best policy. “they” also told me that ann coulter has a vagina. basically, they are full of sh*t.
seriously, do you really think he needs to know you’re breaking up with him because you realized you’ll never have the type of sex that eddie the pharmacist had with nurse jackie?
do make up your damn mind
although a bit of ambivalance is expected, you’re not doing them any favors by visibly waffling, allowing them to sadly and unsucccesfully grasp at the ghost of relationship past. just adult up, spill the beans, request a quickie for the road, and say your final good-bye. i won’t lie and say that they’ll thank you for it later, but this isn’t about you, right?
i’m sure i’m missing a few. people of vsb.com, any additions?
¹this only applies to men. ladies, if you’ve broken up with us, please feel free to “degrade” us sexually as long as you like. we wont mind.