Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Guest Blogger, Lists, Theory & Essay, Uncategorized

The Don’ts of Dating: How to Lose a Good Thing in 8 Days (Part 1 of 2)

This is another collaboration between Panama from VSB and Rahiel Tesfamariam from Urban Cusp. It is a bit long. So kick back and peep game. This is a little back and forth on what drives women crazy and how men view those same things. Enjoy.

A “He Said”/”She Said” Analysis on Dating, Love and Relationships

"My girl grillin' me. I got to go. This isn't going to end well."

What happens when you ask a group of women to tell you about some of the worst habits that men from their past have shared in common? They instantly become great writers, historians, and comedians who don’t shy away from exclamation marks and ALL CAPS. Here’s a short list of things guaranteed to drive 99.9% of good women away and how a man might justify doing these things, from two people who have been there (or who at least know someone who has).

1)    Habitually “checking in” and then falling off

Rahiel: His nickname is Mr. Check-in. Why? Because he’s the king of “I’m just checking in.” Rain, sleet, or snow – he’s guaranteed to call, text or email to ask about her day, family, and current affairs (like conflict in the Middle East). But it never amounts to anything (dates, a relationship, meaningful dialogue) besides him soon falling off of the face of the earth. Only to resurface weeks or months later – just in time to “check-in” again. He has seemingly devoted his life to keeping a foot in the door until she finally figures it all out and tells him to “checkout” or simply gives him a taste of his own disappearing act.

Panama: Is it really men’s fault that we like being cordial? In fact, it’s women’s fault for assuming all of those convos are supposed to lead anywhere. Plus, only in a woman’s mind does a man calling to ask sincere questions about how she’s doing and what she’s up to come across as rude and disingenuous. If it was your insurance salesman, you’d be pleased as punch. Your dentist calls every six months, but if we do it, then we’re playing games? I’m calling shenanigans on this one. We “check in” because you crossed our mind – plain and simple. Be glad somebody’s thinking about you instead of being upset that somebody out there in this great big world thought enough to send a simple, “I hope all is well.” I’m convinced that women and bobcats are the only species on the planet who believe that every single action has to lead to something. Live like the honey badger. Besides, you’ll be dead soon enough and nobody will text you then.

2)    Doing the bare minimum

Rahiel: He asks her out on a date, she accepts, and he responds, “So, figure out what you want to do and let me know.” This is what one of my girls had to say about that: “Why do I now have to plan everything?  Wasn’t this date your idea?  I think it says a lot if a man at least puts forth the effort to suggest something you could do on your date OR God forbid actually has everything planned. I think the complete lack of effort is either laziness, lack of leadership ability, or a sign of a self-centered man who does not think he needs to put forth any effort all.” This doesn’t mean that the blueprint has to be laid out, but where’s the initiative? Having ideas in mind and having made efforts to plan things out suggest interest, responsibility, and consideration for others. And those things never go out of style – even if you think chivalry has.

Panama: I totally agree on this one. Any man who won’t put at least a little effort into planning probably isn’t really that into you. I’ve been that guy before and I honestly feel bad about it sometimes. I’m almost sure I owe a few apologies too. But you live and you learn. You know what though? You have to be careful with this one as well – not to read too much into it. Some guys are just chock full of knowledge of random and interesting things to do because they like doing them. Of course, those guys are a win for you. Just remember, you might feel special, but he took a chick hang-gliding yesterday too, boo. But in general, the least a man can do is plan a day or an evening that you’ll spend together unless it’s agreed upon that you’ll just be streaming Netflix movies and ordering take out. Or watching reality television. Or yada yada yada.

3)    Acting like a “sweatbox”

Rahiel: Growing up in DC, there were particular words you never wanted associated with your name. After bamma and hoodrat, sweatbox was high on the list. The term has historically been used to reference a man or woman who excessively admires another individual – to an embarrassing (for all) extent. Somewhat of an unsolicited hype man. Sweatboxes weren’t cool back then, and they’re not cool now. Women may vary in what they deem as an “acceptable sweat level,” but no one (in their right mind) wants to be contacted so much by you that it borders on stalking and begs the question: you don’t have anything better to do in life than worship the ground I walk on? 

Panama: Again, I’m calling shenanigans. This is complete and utter nonsense. And do you know why? You only feel this way about the guys you’re not interested in. If you are feeling him then he can’t call you enough. If you like him he can text you 1,000 times a day and you’ll think each one just shows how much he likes you. You’ll rave to your friends about how much communication you all share. THEN you’ll always be available whenever he’s available. This is only an issue when the dude you aren’t interested in keeps calling you. That dude is a nuisance. That dude doesn’t get the message that you’re not interested. That guy is the “sweatbox”. The guy you like? That guy is thoughtful and charming and can’t seem to get enough of you. That guy treats you like a queen… and worships the ground you walk on and you love it. Miss me with this one.

4)    Talking a good game but never following through

Rahiel: He didn’t enroll in “How to Keep a Woman Happy 101” while in school and therefore doesn’t know that he should never tell her he’s going to do something and not actually do it. To him it’s just a phone call that he neglected to make (for the 100th time nonetheless), but to her it’s an epic failure and betrayal. Why? Because if she can’t take his words to the bank and trust that she’ll get a return on them, then they’ll quickly become null and void to her.  And we all know that if you’ve lost a woman’s trust, you’ve ultimately committed relationship suicide. One word sums this all up: integrity. One female friend informed me that a lot of her girls have resorted to launching hi-tech investigations on new men that come into their lives.  This entails checking all social media sites,  wedding websites, and the registry lists of popular stores for wedding and/or baby registries. Really? It’s THAT serious now? What ever happened to full disclosure?

Panama: Seems to me like you’re talking about two different things: follow through and honesty. Now yes, they are related, but obviously, some men don’t follow through because they don’t mean it in the first place. Blame the first woman who ever let him off the hook: his mama. Plus he’s probably only saying what he thinks you want to hear and it isn’t worth it to him to follow through because what he wants from you and what he gets are one and the same. No need to do better for you because he isn’t convinced that he can’t do better than you. Now on the honesty side of things, well, we all lie. Or rather we all tell versions of our own truths; women too. Y’all don’t tell men upfront that you’re crazy just like he didn’t tell you that he had a wife. Equal trade off? Nope. But you’ll probably both end up dead in a few months dealing with each other anyway so whoopty do. By the way, while I do understand the desire to do a Google search on anybody you meet, some women take it too far. If you keep trying to find something wrong, you WILL find something wrong. Real talk, what happens in Mexico that ends up in the press, STAYS in Mexico. Oh and miss me on the full disclosure because very few women are going to put their nonsense in the street while expecting the man to let her know everything she needs to move forward. Women are information hoarders without wanting to do the same. Stop it.

***

Ladies? Fellas? What’s your take on those situations? Talk to me.

-VSB P and Rahiel Tesfamariam

Check back tomorrow on Urban Cusp for Part 2 of this series.

Meet Urban Cusp’s founder/editorial director Rahiel. You can follow her on Twitter @RahielT. Follow Urban Cusp at @UrbanCusp and join Urban Cusp’s fan page on Facebook.

Filed Under:
Damon Young

Panama Jackson is a co-founder of VSB and co-author of Your Degrees Won't Keep You Warm At Night: The Very Smart Brothas Guide to Dating, Mating, and Fighting Crime. He believes the children are our future and is waiting to find out if he is the 2nd most interesting man in the world.

  • http://twitter.com/wavecapwillis Wave Cap Willis

    This post feels like an episode of “Crossfire”…remember that show?

    • Iceprincess

      Omg i used 2 LOVE that show! With tucker carlson & james carvill (sp)? Boi stooop what u kno bout sum crossfire! Lmao

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      Crossfire was my show. lol.

      • http://www.urbancusp.com Rahiel

        Am I the only one who didn’t watch Crossfire? I’m going to do a YouTube search and see what I can dig up.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          yes. yes you are.

          • http://challyshares.tumblr.com Nei Jae

            Actually, that would be a no. What’s a Crossfire?

        • lm

          Enjoy.

          :-)

  • Anonymous

    Yes, Wave Cap Willis. I do.

  • http://panamaenrique.wordpress.com Malik

    I agree with you all the way through. As far as the second point; I’m not good at making plans because I’m just happy enough to be getting the chance to spend time with you.

    • http://lizburr.com Liz

      Well happy yourself over to yelp.com and happily find some places for you and your date to go.

      I can’t stand it when people force me to make plans for them LOL. I have a friend who asks me for help planning her social gatherings…even ones I am not invited to or can’t go to. Google dot com! I’m not even a good event planner so I think she really is just being lazy or something.

      For dates, I think it’s cute to take turns planning. He plans the first one, I plan the second one. I really liked that about a guy I dated recently.

      • http://panamaenrique.wordpress.com Malik

        Hahaha. I take it adventure time doesn’t count as a planned activity?

        • http://lizburr.com Liz

          Adventure time is cool as long as it’s understood we’re adventuring lol.

        • http://www.urbancusp.com Rahiel

          Let’s just say that “rules” aren’t as etched in stone after the couple has been together for awhile. There’s a difference between someone who you’re trying to give a good first and early impression to and someone who you’ve been with for enough time that you two have best friend status and can easily spend hours doing nothing together. While no one should ever get lazy in the relationship – “adventure time” is a safer bet when the interview phase is over.

        • randomeffery

          i always forget about adventure time, but when i randomly stumble across it i feel like i’ve won the lottery…that show is ridiculous

      • LO (literarily orgasmic)

        Gotta agree with Liz on this one. I think that’s a great suggestion for the men…because Google is your friend!!! “Top 10 dates in (fill in the blank with your city)” and voila! Up pops a list.

        Honestly….sometimes, it’s not that the guy picked the best place. What matters most to me is just the fact that he put some sort of thought into it and that he actually made the effort. Hell, go watch Hitch. That first date was awful. Creative but it ended terribly. But he sure did a phone call and date #2. And yes, I did just reference a corny a$$ will smith movie. Don’t judge me….deliverance is a process.

      • http://www.twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

        Lmao @ Liz.

        Malik you are too nice. Women like a man who knows how to take charge.

        • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com MadScientist7

          that was such a backhanded compliment. lol

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      homes, that’s a terrible reason to not make plans. then again, i cant tell if you’re being serious or not with that one.

      real talk, i’m gonna try that once or twice though to see if i can actually get away with that.

      plus that gives her too much power…her mere presence is so debilitating that you can’t come up with anything? you must date erykah badu types.

      • http://www.urbancusp.com Rahiel

        “her mere presence is so debilitating that you can’t come up with anything? you must date erykah badu types.” LOL. Malik’s comment reminds me of the scene in Love Jones where Larenz is trying to justify to Isaiah W. why he made freshly squeezed orange juice for Nia Long. He was captivated by her (like you describe) but that was reason for him to go hard and not lazy. I vote for Larenz’s strategy on this one.

  • Mo-VSS

    The only one that strikes me as odd is the one about honesty vs follow-thru. They aren’t one in the same and I don’t see why it was connected in the first place. You can follow-thru and be dishonest and you can be honest and not follow-thru. *Shrugs.

    I agree that a dude who calls to say hi or “check in” is sexy…when I like him. When I don’t then it’s unwanted, annoying and borderline harassment. So many “rules” of dating are dependent upon a person’s level of interest in the other. If it’s high, then the other person can damn-near do no wrong. If it’s not high, then no matter what the other person does fault can be found.

    • http://twitter.com/wavecapwillis Wave Cap Willis

      “So many ‘rules’ of dating are dependent upon a person’s level of interest in the other.”

      Yup. In the end, we’re all subject to…selection. And most of us have been conditioned to be selective, sometimes unreasonably so, sometimes capriciously so, by our biology and our surroundings.

      But who said that our lives, let alone the people that would populate them, would be exactly as we would want them to be?

      • http://Tinawatkins.wordpress.com Tina watkins

        In my opinion the “dating rules” -if following the right ones- don’t change depending on selection. Lasting relationships are less about animal attraction or selection, and more about integrity. The points in the post basically deal with whether behavior highlights red flags a man OR woman’s integrity ain’t altogether clear. When it’s clear you let that slide, most folks with integrity, or “good” folk, will slip-slide on out.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          while i read this all i kept thinking was in the movie She’s Out of My League when Devon says to the group, “if somebody loves you, then you are a 10.”

          lol. i have no idea why, but thats what immediately came to mind.

      • Justmetheguy

        Wave Cap Willis is like the lovable, funny, yet deep and introspective oldhead in this VSHood lol

        Hey man can u re-post a link for your online show? I never got a chance to watch it

    • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

      Call me crazy, but no matter how much I like the guy, if he’s calling too much, it’s a turn off. Yes, it’s nice that you call to check up on me, but I don’t like sweatboxes. I don’t care how much I like you. If you call me like 8 times a day I will assume I am just an addiction or passing fad to you and that it will end soon.

  • http://vanityinperil.com Vanity in Peril

    *long dramatic Beyonce-size pregnant pause ….

    These are all true. Everything in life is a mutha truckin’ job interview. <<<<—- see what I just did there? Me neither. :)

    • DQ

      Well played madame, well played.

    • http://fourpageletter.wordpress.com keisha brown

      LOL!!!!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      well that was a good laugh.

  • http://lizburr.com Liz

    I guess overall I agree with the list. Several of the items are what pissed me off in a previous relationship. It is what it is.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      that might be the first time in history you’ve said “i agree with the list” so i’m gonna take that as i agree with panama b/c it never happens.

      ELIZABETH!!!!! I’M COMIN’ HOME!

  • http://www.womenaregamechangers.com Women Are Gamechangers

    #2 I can completely relate to. Why can’t men just say they aren’t interested even if they already asked you out? IJS. It would be nice to go on a date that the guy planned and pay for. Some women do believe in old-fashioned relationship rules. I’m one of them.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      are you saying that most of your dates don’t involve men planning and paying for them? you are getting shortchanged if not. all these simps out here? hell i generally pay even if we’re NOT dating. i’m stupid.

      date me.

      • http://www.urbancusp.com Rahiel

        If he asked you out and then didn’t plan your date OR pay for it, then he doesn’t deserve a second date. As a matter of fact, he should never hear from you again. [But I can be black and white on that kind of stuff; life is too short to waste precious time.]

        • http://www.womenaregamechangers.com Women Are Gamechangers

          @ Rahiel I decided to take a dating hiatus until men understand that some of us like a man who actually asks you out then pays. Until then not too worried about dating those types of men anymore.

          • Rahiel

            @Women Are Gamechangers That sounds very healthy. The mere fact that you have the strength to take a hiatus (not everyone does) says a lot about you. Gold star! :)

      • http://www.womenaregamechangers.com Women Are Gamechangers

        Most yea as to why there are very few second dates.

  • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com MadScientist7

    i agree with panama on number 3. there’s no way a woman is going to say that a man is sweating her if she’s feeling him. he could show up at her window after the first date with a boombox raised over his head sending love songs through the air. matter of fact outside of proposing on the first date there’s not too much he can do that will make her feel like he’s sweating her.

    number 2. i agree with rahiel. its not that hard to plan a date that doesn’t include dinner and a movie. especially if you live in a progressive city. it doesn’t even have to be that expensive. with the advent of the internet all you have to do is search for activities.

    • Lexi Bee

      hmmm… I totz disagree. I just ended a relationship with a guy that I initially was feeling (blushing when you mentioned his name, butterflies in the stomach when his name popped up on the phone type feeling) but after nonstop texts, vms, tweets, and facebook msgs I just became annoyed. Dude gave off desperate vibes and no one wants to be with someone who is desperate.
      Absence makes the heart grow fonder…give me a lil time to miss you please.

      • Iceprincess

        Cosign like a mug. Even if i liked u @ 1st, thirstiness is never sexy.

        • http://thesuburbanthug.wordpress.com suburbanthug1

          So the most interesting man in the world was wrong? Staying thirsty ain’t the way afterall? Who woulda thunk *yeezie shrug*

      • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com MadScientist7

        of course over time as you get used to a person’s personality and intricacies then those little things will start to get on your nerves. i bet the first 50 texts were cute whereas if you weren’t feeling him then the first one would have creeped you out. that’s the point i was making.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        i aint saying you’re wrong. your experience was your experience. but you’re telling me that this dude you had butterflies over was doing too much by wanting to be in touch with you constantly? i’m convinced somethign else happened. he piss in your bushes or something? slap your mama? he just had to do something else.

      • http://www.urbancusp.com Rahiel

        Agree with MadScientist7 that “he could show up at her window after the first date with a boombox raised over his head sending love songs through the air” and it would be all good if I was actually feeling him. I will admit – Panama is right. The sweatbox term gets attached to the people we’re not interested in. But if we are, we’ll tell our girls that “he’s sooo different,” “not at all like all the others from my past,” and that he “makes me vulnerable” <- CLASSIC! lol

        But I also give props to Lexi Bee on the fact that Mr. It can lose a lot of cool points if he gives off desperate vibes. It's like any good thing – it will naturally sell itself and you shouldn't have to force it on me. A dude can quickly go from a 10 to a 4 in anyone woman's book with the desperation factor. And men can agree that desperate women are not where it's at either. Everyone enjoys a healthy sweat level and swag fumes but desperation can be toxic in the relationship air.

        • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com MadScientist7

          i understand that because women can definitely be sweatboxes too. i’ve dealt with a couple in my past. and by my past i mean within the last couple months. not interested.

      • Justmetheguy

        Yeah, I agree with Panama and Lexi Bee. In general the guy she’s feeling will always get more leeway and the benefit of the doubt up to a certain point. There is a point of diminishing returns. U gotta at least have a life. Plus it all depends on what type of woman she is. Some women aren’t about constant communication and adoration, it’s weird to them and may come off as invasion of space or worse, desperation. Be careful with that one, but yeah in general a dude who she’s REALLY feelin will get a more favorable judgement on showering her with attention than a lukewarm, or sometimes hot, sometimes cold suitor would for sure.

    • LMNOP

      Planning doesn’t have to be a huge deal.
      I dated this guy once when we were both 20 and had limited funds, and he used to ask me out on dates like “going for a walk.” We worked at the same place, and we could plan our schedules to get off at the same time, so we would get off before it got dark, and walk to this place where you could see the sun set really beautifully.
      Honestly, he was probably the most thoughtful person I’ve ever dated even though we never went on like a “real date.”

      • Mena

        It’s the little things that count. Dates don’t have to be a dinner and a movie/play/concert. It can simply be grabbing ice cream or chilling at a lake.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        you know what…i just might write a post based on that…im sure we did a LOOOOOOOOONG time ago, but i got some new ideas floating around…

        • http://Thisistip.wordpress.com Thisistip

          Please do some of my best dates weren’t “real dates”

    • Chanelle

      lol @Madscientist7 I agree with all this- If I’m feelin a guy I want to talk/text with him as often as possible but if not then I don’t…..its as simple as that. Can we talk about why these guys that become our “unsolicited hype men” can’t take a hint or don’t understand when we flat out tell them were not interested? Do they think we’ll change our minds because their so attentive? Does this actually work on some women?

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

        b/c people are taught that in life perseverance can win anybody over.

        see. urkel, steven q.

        • http://biggerthomas.wordpress.com MadScientist7

          darius lovehall said it best. lol

      • http://www.urbancusp.com Rahiel

        It will become a HUGE turnoff in my book because it can come off as controlling and manipulative. Seatboxes can be scary b/c it comes off after awhile as not having anything to do with genuine interest but rather ego preservation. As in- “I will keep doing this until you acknowledge me b/c I matter and don’t you dare say I don’t!” <-YIKES

    • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

      MadScientist7,

      I meant to reply to you, but I replied to someone else. Basically, a few years ago, I would have agreed with you, but time has taught me that this type of behavior from a guy you like is a red flag. I’ve had guys practically become addicted to me and then out of nowhere, they disappear. So the calling all the time doesn’t impress me, even if I like him. It actually scares me. Why? Because I don’t see it as him liking me. I see it as him just finding the flavor of the week. Those guys weren’t addicted to me. I wasn’t special. They were just into the idea of having somebody to call all the time.

  • http://www.twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

    A man who constantly “checks in” w/o any progress has little to do with being cordial. He’s checking in to keep himself relevant so she doesn’t forget about him. That way, he can take his sweet time playing the field while he remains an option.

    I have zero patience for bare minimum people…not just dating. I think it’s a sign of a bigger personality flaw.

    Sweatbox is funny. I’ve never heard of that term. I agree with PJ, we only throw that term to men who we are not interested in however I have met a few guys I was interested in until they went overboard with the advances. I do notice a trend of ppl calling everyone and their mama thirsty or sweatbox or whatever. Unless the person is being innappropriate, I think it’s lame to complain about being hit on too much. Unless you’re Beyonce, have a seat. It sounds so self-righteous to me. Just let the person know you’re not interested like that and keep it pushing.

    #4 is a friggin pandemic. Ppl hype themselves up to the point of lies. This is why I like to focus on actions and I’m not big on word play. I’ve never been attracted to men who talk a lot either. I’m one of those women who will do a google search on dates. I don’t think I go too far but I will browse. I learn a lot and yes I’m open with someone I’m trying to get to know. Not all women are secretive. I make no apologies for who I am and I rather a man know the real me. I know how to be a lady in the street and don’t have any skeletons so that’s all that should matter.

    Good post.

    • Lexi Bee

      I agree.. check-ins are just a selfish way to keep a girl on the menu just in case your dish of the day gets stale.

      • Mo-VSS

        Disagree. For some dudes that’s the case. However, not all. Maybe I’m too trusting, but I don’t think that if a man is feeling me and he “checks in” that he’s doing anything he shouldn’t do. Unless his BEHAVIOR says differently, I take it at face value and enjoy. (I just read that last sentence and I promise it was a pun intended at all! LOL)

        • LMNOP

          I disagree too.
          Most people who I call just to check in are female (and probably half of them are family), and most people who call me just to check in are female. So I’m definitely not expecting friendly talks to lead to anything more than more friendly talks. There are people I care about who I just like to talk to and see how they’re doing.

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          right. i’m about to check in on somebody right now.

          *hold please*

          back.

          i really wanted to know how she was doing.

          • http://www.urbancusp.com Rahiel

            The check-in is just as pandemic as SmartFoxGirl said #4 was. Yes, there are men who genuinely just want to know how you are but then there are those who give all those brothas a bad rep with their camouflaged check-ins. Women are brilliant beasts; we can sense shady motives a mile away and we know selfishness when we smell it. It’s not to imply that he’s testing her consciously but definitely keeping his options open in case he wants an escape route from what he has at the time. And if there is no one else in the picture- it could be that “I remember when” vibe he’s giving off. But I must agree that a lot of women do it too!

          • A Woman’s Eyes

            lmao

            In all seriousness, the dudes who called me a lot were the ones who gave the best orgasms. I didn’t feel sweated if we were sweating together.

            And what is up with women entertaining men they don’t like on the phone? Are we really all that annoyed by him if we answer our phone and stay on the line while he talks and talks?

            We can block emails, change our number, tell him no please dont contact me again, yet a woman will complain that a man keeps emailing her/calling her/texting her.

            :-\

            • Mo-VSS

              Truth. Why folks are still entertaining people they don’t like is beyond me. A simple no or ignoring of calls is enough to not have to deal with that from men you thing are disingenuous.

              • Kema

                Feels good to be wanted?

          • http://www.urbancusp.com Rahiel

            CODE RED: I got a check-in text this morning! But wait… FALSE ALARM.. why? Because it was Mr. Panama Jackson being funny! LOL Happy to know that he’s a comedian on and off the stage. Clever. Very clever P.

            • A Woman’s Eyes

              Did your heart stop?

              *lmao*

              • Rahiel

                And skipped a beat. LOL

                • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

                  y’all are evil! i’m somebody doggone it!!

                  • A Woman’s Eyes

                    That’s right! Be somebody or be somebody’s fool!

            • LMNOP

              lol

      • http://www.twitter.com/SmartFoxGirl SmartFoxGirl

        In my opinion, we know the diff between check-ins from real friends and check in from date dudes, etc. I’m obviously referring to men who want to date us and not old friends, etc. I don’t want to say all but i can say for my self, I have more dudes keeping tabs on me and keeping themselves relevant than I do men who are genuinely interested in my well being.

        You can always test that theory by mentioning a potential date with another man and see how they react. It has nothing to do with being friend zoned in my opinion because a man who puts you in the friend zone doesn’t care if you date another man.

    • http://purplelikerawr.tumblr.com Purplenat

      “I do notice a trend of ppl calling everyone and their mama thirsty or sweatbox or whatever. Unless the person is being innappropriate, I think it’s lame to complain about being hit on too much.”

      It really is. “Hey guys, look! People like me!” Ugh have a seat.

      • Justmetheguy

        +1 Purplenat. I notice that too. It’s club diva syndrome. Women behaving in ways that mislead others while stroking their own egos. Men do it too, and it’s never ok imo

    • Todd

      Real talk, if you’re a female and getting a lot of #1, guess what? YOU have been friend-zoned. Feel free to check out the fridge stocked with Mountain Dew and the collection of Sci-Fi movies.

      With #3, I’ve noticed that it’s a sign of two different things. Either the dude is so smitten with ol’ girl that he’s afraid of making a mistake, or the woman has an air of being particular even from their initial convo to the point where the dude decides to place the ball in her court on dating. Neither of them are good.

      • Todd

        Oops, I meant #2. Sorry!

      • Breezy

        Real talk, if you’re a female and getting a lot of #1, guess what? YOU have been friend-zoned.

        I actually agree but think its really a combination of #1 and 4 not #2 that is a sure sign you are in the friend zone. I recently explored my matchmaker skills and connection 2 individuals that I thought would make it work. She was excited that he “checked-in” constantly (on the way to work, on breaks at work, on the way home, at home, while taking a ish). She found it endearing and ish. However that is all dude really has done. He constantly talks about what they could do but never follows through. He recently confided in me that he doesn’t see the connection going anywhere but thinks its cool to have a new “friend”. On the flip she is furious that all of his constantly planning and “we should do” this and that never amounts to a hill of beans.

        I will never play matchmaker again.

        • Todd

          Since PJ and The Champ have immortalized the female friendzone as the “Close Bus Syndrome”, I would like to dedicate a song to all the friendzoned women out there: http://youtu.be/PeeOPR8bxac

          Also, this woman is spitting some knowledge on the female friendzone. Listen and learn: http://youtu.be/nIh-LRLkk6o

          • A Woman’s Eyes

            The Alvin Ailey looking dude in the mustache and red shirt is VERY entertaining to watch. lmao

      • http://wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

        That’s actually incorrect. If a woman is doing it, then yeah, the guy is probably in the friend zone. If a guy is doing it, he wants to smash, but he’s keeping her in his pocket for later. Or he thinks he is.

        When dudes do that to me, I’m sure they think it keeps me interested. Every check in that doesn’t lead to at least a conversation makes me less interested. I’m close to telling a couple of dudes to quit, cause their check ins have become an annoyance. I was interested at first. But now you are just a boring, meaningless group of characters on a screen.

        Better yet, next time they check in, I’ll answer “I’m sorry, who are you?”

        • http://www.clothingoptionalshoesrequired.com The Girl in the Shoes

          I’ve found that works best. Mainly because I’ve deleted their numbers (along with previous voicemail and text messages) and since no one actually has anyone’s number memorized anymore- I have NO CLUE who it is. I detect a bit of saltiness after that “who is this” question has been asked. I figure they’ll get over it. Next question…”is there something I can help you with?”

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          you’re right. she’s not in teh friend zone…she’s being close bussed.

          VSB STRIKES AGAIN!

          • http://wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

            So you admit its not “being cordial”

            LOL

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

              it cant be both? stop putting us in a box. lol.

              actually put us in the box.

              hmm…my inappropriateness knows no bounds.

              • Chanelle

                lmao!

        • lm

          #singitsister

    • Rewind

      Let’s be honest….WHO HAS NEVER CHECKED IN? Everyone does. Everybody has one or two people they constantly keep tabs on periodically so that JUST IN CASE there’s nothing going on at some point, they have an option.

      It’s greedy sure….but we are all guilty of it.

      • http://wildcougarconfessions.com Wild Cougar

        Uh, no we are not. Some people only keep people around that they actually value.

        Lame insecure people try to keep people around as extras.

      • http://fourpageletter.wordpress.com keisha brown

        i’ve never ever and The Rock means EVER done a check in a past ex or previous interest.

        the tapback/check-in/bookmark has happened to me. several times.

        • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

          I can’t recall checking in on a past interest or ex either. (saying I can’t recall excludes any drunk dialing incidents). Most of my break-ups were ugly; the only “check in” would be my fist in his face. And why I want to talk to a dude who isn’t interested in me?

        • http://sarcasmforbreakfast.wordpress.com MizzCam

          I heart you for quoting The Rock, lol. And I agree, I’ve NEVER checked in with anyone. If I call you, I genuinely want to talk and have something to talk about. If I really don’t care what’s going on with you, trust that you won’t be hearing from me.

          Nothing is worse than a check-in text message. That will bring about the longest eye roll in the history of rolling eyes and it will be ignored. If you have nothing to say but “what’s up,” just say nothing.

          • http://fourpageletter.wordpress.com keisha brown

            LOL.

            Had to throw The Rock in there for emphasis!

      • Chanelle

        I have to disagree. I’ve never kept someone around to just check in or a just in case person because that is meaningless to me. I have a conscience and think its wrong to string people along. I also don’t need to keep anybody around because its pretty easy to meet new people. Anyone I keep in contact with or check in on is an actual friend that I care about.

        • Mo-VSS

          +2

        • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

          Channelle, you have a conscience, but some people (notice I said people, not men, because women can be sh*tty too) don’t. You don’t engage in meaningless banter but for some, it’s like the norm. *scratches head* can’t seem to figure out why.

      • Rewind

        Yea, I don’t believe any of you. It’s highly possible you’ve done it and didn’t even realize, but everyone has done it once. Perhaps to a guy you kept in the friend zone, or the guy who is good for flirting, or maybe the guy who you smash months apart here and there. But ok, that’s your story and you’re all sticking to it I guess.

      • A Woman’s Eyes

        I’m curious who actually used that card right after 9/11.

    • http://fourpageletter.wordpress.com keisha brown

      you already know i agree with you on the check-in dude sfg…
      you already know…

    • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

      “Unless you’re Beyonce, have a seat.”
      BOL!
      I agree though, Mr.Check-in quickly becomes Mr. FriendZone. i don’t know what the hell he wants so I assume he just wants to be friends. So he gets friend smiley face texts.

      • Chanelle

        lmao! yep

    • Chanelle

      “Sweatbox is funny. I’ve never heard of that term.”

      lol me either and when they said it I instantly thought of something else. I’ve also noticed a lot of women/men claiming they are being sweated often…….I mean I understand that people get sweated from time to time but I also think many people are self absorbed and/or delusional!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      the term thirst is overrated and overrused. its gotten to the point when i’m parched i just say i need some drank.

      • Rogman

        I am amused by this.

        Mainly because of how many people on VSB who complain about being sweated.

        but dont mind me. I am just sitting here in the corner with my mojitos all by my lonesome

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          *shots fired*

          you stylin’ on ‘em son?

        • A Woman’s Eyes

          Mojitos? Salud! L’chaim! And stay away from phones.

      • Angel Baby

        :) That made me literally LOL at work! HA

    • http://asiyah3.wordpress.com Asiyah

      “He’s checking in to keep himself relevant so she doesn’t forget about him.”

      EXACTLY!

      • Rahiel

        I second this and add -> to test the waters.

  • SpottieOttieDarlin

    Great list and I thought both POVs were well-explained.

    My only addition….. I don’t ask for much, but consistency is everything.

    • http://fourpageletter.wordpress.com keisha brown

      *makes it rain in your collection plate

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      you’re asking for a whole by asking for consistency.

      stop it.

      • http://www.urbancusp.com Rahiel

        Don’t forget there’s a Part 2…. who knows what that will bring :)

      • SpottieOttieDarlin

        not asking for any more than I’m willing to give!

        • LO (literarily orgasmic)

          I agree…a person should be able to match or exceed what u are bringing to the table. You aren’t asking for too much in wanting what u give.

          I honestly feel like most people are consistent….consistently inconsistent that is.