Theory & Essay

the compass: the vsb guide to what men really mean when they’re talking to you

much of the acrimony between the sexes is born from and cultivated by a latent communication breakdown. generally speaking, we have much different ways of expressing ourselves, and it can be extremely difficult to navigate the murky relationship morass without a working compass

ladies, in furthering our committment to crime fighting, the champ will be your compass and, if you’re hot, willing concubine. without further ado, here’s a portion of the vsb guide to what men really mean when they’re talking to you.

“hey, i just wanted to tell you that i care about you, and i think about you all the time.” = “i know that i’m a half-thread of toilet paper on the anal fissure of bad boyfriends, but i’m hoping this’ll make you verklempt enough to forget that and continue the post-dawn daily bj’s”

thats not what i meant” = “actually, i did mean exactly that, but since this unexpectedly upset you, i’m gonna to continue to rephrase it until i find something that works. take a seat. this might take a while”

huh? excuse me? can you repeat that?” = “i heard you, but i just need a bit more time to patch up this tattered story”

“whats your name?” = “not you, dummy. i’m talking to your boobs. are they fraternal or identical twins?”

i really dont understand women” = “i really dont understand why women generally think i’m lame”

“where did you learn how to do that?” = “seriously, where did you learn how to do that, and how crazy must you be to have that skill-set and still be single???”

“whats your friend’s name?” = “is there a clause for buyer’s remorse in our relationship contract?”

am i getting fat?” = “i’m gay.”

“we should work out together” = “i like you. i really do. but, i’m going to make your life a passive-aggressive living hell until you lose some weight”

“i’m not looking for a relationship right now” = “i’m not looking for a relationship with you right now…just your vagina”

when was the last time you had sex?” = “if we do the do and i decide to go down on you, i won’t be tasting geralds nuts, will i?”

my day was good, and yours?” = “even though this never works, i’m begging you to allow my blatantly succinct answers to rub off on you”

where do you see us in five years?” = “please break up with me now so i dont have to feel guilty about the inevitable sneak attack break-up three weeks from now”

‘hi” (to a girlfriend) = “whats wrong???”

“whats wrong? = what did i do???”

“what did i do???” = “i know what i did, i just wanna see how much mileage i still have on this ignorance card”

i’m sure i’m missing a few. fellas, feel free to chime in.

oh, and ladies, i aint forget about ya’ll, lol. you’re not gonna get off the hook that easily. share your compasses too.

–the champ

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Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • Maria

    lmao….all of them are so true!!! Champ ur the best…on a daily basis you crack me up :)

    • Leila

      @Maria, I was cracking up too. Funny stuff…

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Maria,

      thanks and sh*t. i try

  • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

    Our REAL thoughts. I hope the ladies don’t kick me out the Ya-Ya Sisterhood

    “Nothing’s wrong” – You pissed me off and I don’t feel like talking about it but if you ask me again with more concern, I’ll tell you. But you’ll probably think I’m coming from left field.

    “I had a bad day” – Just give me a hug and I’ll feel slightly better

    “No” – You may be able to convince me otherwise if you do that thang I love so much. You know…

    “I don’t really celebrate Valentine’s” – If you don’t at least acknowledge it, you will get ice-grilled.

    “I LOVE football” – I know the rules and ish and will watch it if there’s NOTHING else on! Besides, I just like that jersey of yours. Can I wear it on Sunday?

    There are just a few.

    • RedBeanzNRice

      @Luvvie,

      I gotta agree with the Luv Bug, cause she’s on point, but Champ, you’re making me retract my e-crush on you with the past 2 posts.

      Especially this one and the part about …
      “whats your friend’s name?” = “is there a clause for buyer’s remorse in our relationship contract?”

      You know durn well you don’t think like that, and if you do, I’m even more mad at you, Humpty.

      No thanks, Sula.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @RedBeanzNRice,

        I gotta agree with the Luv Bug, cause she’s on point, but Champ, you’re making me retract my e-crush on you with the past 2 posts.

        this ruined my morning. btw, by “ruined my morning” i meant “quote had 15 words. interesting”

      • LoversRock

        @luvvie,

        “I LOVE FOOTBALL” = I love football players.

    • http://www.singlesisterspeak.wordpress.com Nicki Sunshine

      @Luvvie, These are good!

    • Me fail english?

      @Luvvie,

      I agree with all but the “No”. When I say it, “no” means “no”, not “let’s start the bidding at an eaten box and a bacon sandwich!”

      • 8th Wonder

        OMG MEDIC!!!

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @Me fail english?,

        “let’s start the bidding at an eaten box and a bacon sandwich!”

        sounds like my type of auction

        • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

          @The Champ,

          Mine too.

    • Ivy St.

      @Luvvie,
      Great points Luvvie! I agree with all of them except, I LIKE football.
      If I say I like it then, I genuinely do. It would suck to be forced to do something with a male counterpart that I really had no real interest in doing just because I said I liked it.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @Ivy St.,

        It would suck to be forced to do something with a male counterpart that I really had no real interest in doing just because I said I liked it.

        ***handing ivy st. daily vsb.com unintentional double entendre award***

        • Ivy St.

          @The Champ,
          LOL! How do u know it was unintentional?!?!

          • Me fail english?

            @Ivy St.,

            AHahahahahah!!

    • Ashley Neicole

      @Luvvie,

      You swung the hell outta that hammer cuz you hit the nail on the head girl. Bullseye with all of those.

  • overit

    much of the acrimony between the sexes is born from and cultivated by a latent communication breakdown. generally speaking, we have much different ways of expressing ourselves, and it can be extremely difficult to navigate the murky relationship morass without a working compass

    ladies, in furthering our committment to crime fighting, the champ will be your compass and, if you’re hot, willing concubine. without further ado, here’s a portion of the vsb guide to what men really mean when they’re talking to you.

    “hey, i just wanted to tell you that i care about you, and i think about you all the time.” = “i know that i’m a half-thread of toilet paper on the anal fissure of bad boyfriends, but i’m hoping this’ll make you verklempt enough to forget that and continue the post-dawn daily bj’s”.

    OK, this is a seriously delayed comment but remember that post about nicknames your friends came up with for the opposite chex? Well, we had a “TOTUL” category=track marks on the underwear of life”. It doesn’t even really make sense but it worked in our circle, and that comment reminded me of it…lol.

    • overit lou hammer

      @overit, much of the acrimony between the sexes is born from and cultivated by a latent communication breakdown. generally speaking, we have much different ways of expressing ourselves, and it can be extremely difficult to navigate the murky relationship morass without a working compass

      lol, i was clearly 1/2 sleep when i posted, i pasted that part cause i was going to make some remark about dictionary.com lol…yeah.

    • 8th Wonder

      I have no idea what you’re talking about right now.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @8th Wonder,

        me neither. is overitey on that sh*t again?

        • 8th Wonder

          I didn’t know she’d ever been OFF that sh*t.

    • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

      @overit,

      Methinks Overit has taken a gulp from WudaMan’s Kool-Aid. LOVE U BOO!!

      • Me fail english?

        @Luvvie,

        LOL!! Or maybe Wu posted this under her name…Say, has anybody seen Wu lately?

        *snatches off Overit mask, Scooby Doo style*

        Egads, Daphne! It was old man Wu all along! And he would’ve gotten away with it…if not for us meddling kids!

        Yep, that’s my theory.

        • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Sula

          @Me fail english?,

          I would have quit you if you weren’t so fabulous.

          Bwahahaha! :lol:

    • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

      @overit,

      Somebody give me a map, I’m lost.

  • shay_d_lady

    what ya doin…..whatever it is stop right now cause I need you to do something fpr me…that i could really do for myself but for whatever reason I want you to do it

    Can you scratch, rub,my back or unhook. zip. my bra, dress, etc…yeah Lets get it on…

    Im tired..no nookie for you!

    never mind, I will do it….you triflin a$$ cant do shyt right.if I want something done the right way I have to do it myself….i might as well kick yo a$$ to the curb and get a dog and a bullet…

    man I sure could go for or have a taste for xxx… I want you to go and get XXX

    • http://www.museacdonline.com pgh muse

      @shay_d_lady, never mind, I will do it….you triflin a$$ cant do shyt right.if I want something done the right way I have to do it myself….i might as well kick yo a$$ to the curb and get a dog and a bullet…

      This is my favorite!

      • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com blackberry molasses

        @pgh muse, co-sign!!!

        • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

          @blackberry molasses,

          Shiddd…see how happy that leaves you.

          • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com blackberry molasses

            @Monk,

            ain’t no body ask you….

    • Ms. T

      @shay_d_lady,
      “what ya doin…..whatever it is stop right now cause I need you to do something fpr me…that i could really do for myself but for whatever reason I want you to do it”

      And that is the main reason that I hate people asking me what I am doing. If you need a favor ask for it, don’t try to trap me into doing something for you because I’m not busy…. but that is just my thoughts.

      • Me fail english?

        @Ms. T,

        Yeah I have a co-worker who always asks “Are you busy?” I used to say “why?” now I just say “yes”

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @Me fail english?,

          i have a co-worker that used to trap me with that too, but he’d do it by asking me questions he knows i had no answer for, then attacking

          “hey champ, what are you gonna be doing at 2:45 three tuesdays from now?”

          champ: “i have no idea”

          “great. then you can come with me to this knitting convention i’m giving a seminar at”

          • Me fail english?

            @The Champ,

            This is funny as hell. And I’m not quick enough on my feet to get out of this either. I’d have to remember to fake an illness later

            And isn’t “knitters” such a dirty word? I’m blushing just typing it…”knitters”…

  • overit lou hammer

    i am sick and tired of being moderated.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @overit lou hammer,

      lol, then stop changing your name five times a day

  • Imperfect

    I know that I am a rarity. I usually say what I mean. If I say nothing’s wrong, nothing’s wrong (or it’s so small that if you let it go, it’ll be nothing soon).

    I may not say what I mean all the time (I may not tell you I hate your mother for birthing you), but when I say something I mean it

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Imperfect,

      I may not tell you I hate your mother for birthing you

      ice cold!

  • JamaicanGirl

    My Thoughts:

    “What would you like for dinner”- not that i give a dang because im making Chicken regardless.

    “Where did you sleep night last night”- I really don’t care because i didn’t sleep here either, but if i don’t ask then you may get suspicious.

    “Thanks for the flowers, their beautiful”- I know you did something wrong so hurry up and tell me, before i get mad.

    • Leila

      @JamaicanGirl, “Thanks for the flowers, their beautiful”- I know you did something wrong so hurry up and tell me, before i get mad.”

      lol! Unless it’s a special occasion, I get suspicious too.

      • http://carverthegreat.wordpress.com Carver The Great!

        @Leila,

        this contradicts the cliche complaint, “you never buy me flowers”

        we can’t win for losing…women

        • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

          @Carver The Great!,

          Exactly, it’s like they want a n*igga to f*ck up or they don’t appreciate genuine surprises.

    • Me fail english?

      @JamaicanGirl,

      “Where did you sleep night last night”- I really don’t care because i didn’t sleep here either, but if i don’t ask then you may get suspicious.

      LMAO! This sounds like classic end of relationship antics. Feigning anger in the hopes of starting a fight that leads to splitsville….

    • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Sula

      @JamaicanGirl,

      “What would you like for dinner”- not that i give a dang because im making Chicken regardless.

      I love this one! :)

  • charli skipper

    “No, you don’t have to pick me up. I’ll meet you there”—-I’m not sure I want to ride in a car with you. And I don’t want to have to deal with having you drop me off at my house afterwards, with your awkward a*s.

    “Yeah, I miss you too.”—I love the attention you show me, but I’m still on the fence regarding my feelings for you. But, hey, a girl’s gotta eat.

    “I don’t really celebrate Valentine’s day”–see Luvvie’s post, above.

    “You don’t have to get me anything for my birthday/Christmas. Once you pass a certain age, that stuff doesn’t matter”–I suggest, that if you wish to continue thinking of yourself as my “man,” that you don’t be no damn fool. When the other women start discussing the gifts they got, it really ain’t no thing for me to start talking about how i cussed you out and broke up with you.

    “I’m sorry. *giggle* I always get giggly when someone tries to kiss me.”———Don’t touch me.

    “No, it’s fine.”—-Note to self: strike one.

    • charli skipper

      @charli skipper,
      ooh, another!

      “what does that mean? so you think i’m getting fat?”—-like i give a da*m. ummm….look at yo a*s. Negro, please.

    • Leyla

      @charli skipper,

      “I’m sorry. *giggle* I always get giggly when someone tries to kiss me.”———Don’t touch me.

      “No, it’s fine.”—-Note to self: strike one.

      SO SO TRUE!!!

      • Me fail english?

        @Leyla,

        Yeah these two are particularly on point.

        No, I’m fine= Yep, you’ll pay!

    • http://adopefiend.blogspot.com Dope Fiend

      @charli skipper,

      “No, it’s fine.”—-Note to self: strike one.”

      YUP!!! lol

      • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

        @Dope Fiend,

        I’m guilty of doing this I must say.

    • Me fail english?

      @charli skipper,

      “Yeah, I miss you too.”—I love the attention you show me, but I’m still on the fence regarding my feelings for you. But, hey, a girl’s gotta eat.

      And the church said, “AMEN”.

      I miss you= I don’t love you/I’m filling space cause I wanna get off the phone but you won’t let me/I’m not that into you but I’d be bored if you weren’t around so here’s a bit of encouragement

      • PrincesMo

        @Charli skipper & Me fail english?,

        “Yeah, I miss you too.”—I love the attention you show me, but I’m still on the fence regarding my feelings for you. But, hey, a girl’s gotta eat.”

        This is all too true, esp in these TET. Shoot it’s a recession and i’m getting all the free food I can, but at the same time sorry i’m just not that into u! lol

      • charli skipper

        @Me fail english? & PrincesMo,

        yasss. lol

    • Ms. T

      @charli skipper,
      “No, you don’t have to pick me up. I’ll meet you there”—-I’m not sure I want to ride in a car with you. And I don’t want to have to deal with having you drop me off at my house afterwards, with your awkward a*s.”

      LOL that is a great interpretation. My other reasoning is I am not to sure yet if you have stalker tendencies. I don’t want you stalking me if I tell you that I don’t want to talk to you anymore.

    • Ms. T

      @charli skipper,

      Your list is really on point!!!! Note to self… Strike one!!!! This is so true!

    • mssmtaylor

      @charli skipper,

      ““I’m sorry. *giggle* I always get giggly when someone tries to kiss me.”———Don’t touch me.

      “No, it’s fine.”—-Note to self: strike one”

      Love it!!!

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=73903598 Dom

      @charli skipper,

      Yes on all them! Esp the last three. I thought I was the only one who did the giggle thing as code for “get off me!”

    • MissJ82

      @charli skipper, @charli skipper,
      “No, it’s fine.”—-Note to self: strike one. – SO TRUE!! I second everything on this list… had to pull the “I’ll meet you there…” line just the other day, LOL!

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @charli skipper,

      “Yeah, I miss you too.”—I love the attention you show me, but I’m still on the fence regarding my feelings for you. But, hey, a girl’s gotta eat.

      lol, this should be required reading for every simp on the planet

    • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

      @charli skipper,

      I actually mean “I miss you” when I say it. Thugs like me dont jus say that for no reason

      • 8th Wonder

        Thug deez.

      • http://blackwomanlost.blogspot.com Naturally Alise

        @Luvvie, If by thug you mean soft hearted punk, then by all means carry on

      • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com blackberry molasses

        @Luvvie,

        you aint no thug…. you’re not even a reasonable facsimile of a thug…..

      • Me fail english?

        @Luvvie,

        U and these Twitter raps and your tiny fists just isn’t gonna cut it. Sowwy :(

    • collegebunny

      @charli skipper,
      “I’m sorry. *giggle* I always get giggly when someone tries to kiss me.”———Don’t touch me.”

      all the time and it usually followed by another arkward attempt on his part and a “accidental” kick in the nuts on my part.

    • collegebunny

      @charli skipper,
      “I’m sorry. *giggle* I always get giggly when someone tries to kiss me.”———Don’t touch me.”

      all the time and it usually followed by another arkward attempt on his part and a “accidental” kick in the nuts on my part.

  • http://jdiva.wordpress.com chaoticdiva

    “I’m not looking for a relationship” : I’m talking to several guys and I haven’t decided which one I like the best, so I’m going to continue dating you all at once.

    “I think I have to work/something to do”: I don’t want to go out with you.

    “I’m kind of busy”: I don’t want to talk to you.

    (mid-conversation) “What time is it?” : You are boring me. Can I leave now?

    …ok, so maybe I’m just wrong in general…

    • WordSmith

      @chaoticdiva,

      Maybe I am too…

    • Blue Skyez

      @chaoticdiva,
      “I’m not looking for a relationship” : I’m talking to several guys and I haven’t decided which one I like the best, so I’m going to continue dating you all at once. (CHING CHING)

      “I think I have to work/something to do”: I don’t want to go out with you. (RING A LING)

      “I’m kind of busy”: I don’t want to talk to you. (DING DING)

      (mid-conversation) “What time is it?” : You are boring me. Can I leave now? (SNAP CRACKLE POP)

      It’s like you read my mind girl!

  • http://www.myspace.com/thagrindaholic BLUNTBLAZER

    I had ta sign up man yall are crazy had me dyin at work but here is my 2 cents.

    “naw you go down first”= 69 and I owe you one
    “nice dress” = dam wtf are you wearing and you say i cant dress
    “can you rub my back” = and give me an excuse to take off my shirt and get molested
    “im broke” = i spent all my money on the last broad
    “after you miss, ladies first”= let me check out your big round ass again

    my fav right after sex
    “aww my homie just called I gotta go do some dirt dam i gotta go my bad”=cool I get to bang and not cuddle afterwards

    thats all lol

    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=73903598 Dom

      @BLUNTBLAZER,

      You aint fooling anyone with the last one. We know the deal.

      • MilkandCookies

        @Dom,

        That’s exactly what I was thinking… We all know you not getting out of ish that quick… who really answers the phone right after chex knowing you might just do it again.

      • http://www.myspace.com/thagrindaholic BLUNTBLAZER

        @Dom,
        Ive actually used that one a few times and its worked sad but true

        • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=73903598 Dom

          @BLUNTBLAZER,

          Not saying it wont work, but dam*ed if she doesnt know what youre doing.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @BLUNTBLAZER,

      welcome and sh*t

      • http://www.myspace.com/thagrindaholic BLUNTBLAZER

        @The Champ,
        I like what you have going here hope i can add some bay area west coast flavor up in hea