the compass: the vsb guide to what men really mean when they’re talking to you
much of the acrimony between the sexes is born from and cultivated by a latent communication breakdown. generally speaking, we have much different ways of expressing ourselves, and it can be extremely difficult to navigate the murky relationship morass without a working compass
ladies, in furthering our committment to crime fighting, the champ will be your compass and, if you’re hot, willing concubine. without further ado, here’s a portion of the vsb guide to what men really mean when they’re talking to you.
“hey, i just wanted to tell you that i care about you, and i think about you all the time.” = “i know that i’m a half-thread of toilet paper on the anal fissure of bad boyfriends, but i’m hoping this’ll make you verklempt enough to forget that and continue the post-dawn daily bj’s”
“thats not what i meant” = “actually, i did mean exactly that, but since this unexpectedly upset you, i’m gonna to continue to rephrase it until i find something that works. take a seat. this might take a while”
“huh? excuse me? can you repeat that?” = “i heard you, but i just need a bit more time to patch up this tattered story”
“whats your name?” = “not you, dummy. i’m talking to your boobs. are they fraternal or identical twins?”
“i really dont understand women” = “i really dont understand why women generally think i’m lame”
“where did you learn how to do that?” = “seriously, where did you learn how to do that, and how crazy must you be to have that skill-set and still be single???”
“whats your friend’s name?” = “is there a clause for buyer’s remorse in our relationship contract?”
“am i getting fat?” = “i’m gay.”
“we should work out together” = “i like you. i really do. but, i’m going to make your life a passive-aggressive living hell until you lose some weight”
“i’m not looking for a relationship right now” = “i’m not looking for a relationship with you right now…just your vagina”
“when was the last time you had sex?” = “if we do the do and i decide to go down on you, i won’t be tasting geralds nuts, will i?”
“my day was good, and yours?” = “even though this never works, i’m begging you to allow my blatantly succinct answers to rub off on you”
“where do you see us in five years?” = “please break up with me now so i dont have to feel guilty about the inevitable sneak attack break-up three weeks from now”
‘hi” (to a girlfriend) = “whats wrong???”
“whats wrong?“ = “what did i do???”
“what did i do???” = “i know what i did, i just wanna see how much mileage i still have on this ignorance card”
i’m sure i’m missing a few. fellas, feel free to chime in.
oh, and ladies, i aint forget about ya’ll, lol. you’re not gonna get off the hook that easily. share your compasses too.