Theory & Essay

the compass: the vsb guide to what men really mean when they’re talking to you

much of the acrimony between the sexes is born from and cultivated by a latent communication breakdown. generally speaking, we have much different ways of expressing ourselves, and it can be extremely difficult to navigate the murky relationship morass without a working compass

ladies, in furthering our committment to crime fighting, the champ will be your compass and, if you’re hot, willing concubine. without further ado, here’s a portion of the vsb guide to what men really mean when they’re talking to you.

“hey, i just wanted to tell you that i care about you, and i think about you all the time.” = “i know that i’m a half-thread of toilet paper on the anal fissure of bad boyfriends, but i’m hoping this’ll make you verklempt enough to forget that and continue the post-dawn daily bj’s”

thats not what i meant” = “actually, i did mean exactly that, but since this unexpectedly upset you, i’m gonna to continue to rephrase it until i find something that works. take a seat. this might take a while”

huh? excuse me? can you repeat that?” = “i heard you, but i just need a bit more time to patch up this tattered story”

“whats your name?” = “not you, dummy. i’m talking to your boobs. are they fraternal or identical twins?”

i really dont understand women” = “i really dont understand why women generally think i’m lame”

“where did you learn how to do that?” = “seriously, where did you learn how to do that, and how crazy must you be to have that skill-set and still be single???”

“whats your friend’s name?” = “is there a clause for buyer’s remorse in our relationship contract?”

am i getting fat?” = “i’m gay.”

“we should work out together” = “i like you. i really do. but, i’m going to make your life a passive-aggressive living hell until you lose some weight”

“i’m not looking for a relationship right now” = “i’m not looking for a relationship with you right now…just your vagina”

when was the last time you had sex?” = “if we do the do and i decide to go down on you, i won’t be tasting geralds nuts, will i?”

my day was good, and yours?” = “even though this never works, i’m begging you to allow my blatantly succinct answers to rub off on you”

where do you see us in five years?” = “please break up with me now so i dont have to feel guilty about the inevitable sneak attack break-up three weeks from now”

‘hi” (to a girlfriend) = “whats wrong???”

“whats wrong? = what did i do???”

“what did i do???” = “i know what i did, i just wanna see how much mileage i still have on this ignorance card”

i’m sure i’m missing a few. fellas, feel free to chime in.

oh, and ladies, i aint forget about ya’ll, lol. you’re not gonna get off the hook that easily. share your compasses too.

–the champ

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Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't.

Previously

meow

  • Maria

    lmao….all of them are so true!!! Champ ur the best…on a daily basis you crack me up :)

    • Leila

      @Maria, I was cracking up too. Funny stuff…

    • Leila

      @Maria, I was cracking up too. Funny stuff…

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Maria,

      thanks and sh*t. i try

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @Maria,

      thanks and sh*t. i try

  • Maria

    lmao….all of them are so true!!! Champ ur the best…on a daily basis you crack me up :)

  • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

    Our REAL thoughts. I hope the ladies don’t kick me out the Ya-Ya Sisterhood

    “Nothing’s wrong” – You pissed me off and I don’t feel like talking about it but if you ask me again with more concern, I’ll tell you. But you’ll probably think I’m coming from left field.

    “I had a bad day” – Just give me a hug and I’ll feel slightly better

    “No” – You may be able to convince me otherwise if you do that thang I love so much. You know…

    “I don’t really celebrate Valentine’s” – If you don’t at least acknowledge it, you will get ice-grilled.

    “I LOVE football” – I know the rules and ish and will watch it if there’s NOTHING else on! Besides, I just like that jersey of yours. Can I wear it on Sunday?

    There are just a few.

    • RedBeanzNRice

      @Luvvie,

      I gotta agree with the Luv Bug, cause she’s on point, but Champ, you’re making me retract my e-crush on you with the past 2 posts.

      Especially this one and the part about …
      “whats your friend’s name?” = “is there a clause for buyer’s remorse in our relationship contract?”

      You know durn well you don’t think like that, and if you do, I’m even more mad at you, Humpty.

      No thanks, Sula.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @RedBeanzNRice,

        I gotta agree with the Luv Bug, cause she’s on point, but Champ, you’re making me retract my e-crush on you with the past 2 posts.

        this ruined my morning. btw, by “ruined my morning” i meant “quote had 15 words. interesting”

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @RedBeanzNRice,

        I gotta agree with the Luv Bug, cause she’s on point, but Champ, you’re making me retract my e-crush on you with the past 2 posts.

        this ruined my morning. btw, by “ruined my morning” i meant “quote had 15 words. interesting”

      • LoversRock

        @luvvie,

        “I LOVE FOOTBALL” = I love football players.

      • LoversRock

        @luvvie,

        “I LOVE FOOTBALL” = I love football players.

    • RedBeanzNRice

      @Luvvie,

      I gotta agree with the Luv Bug, cause she’s on point, but Champ, you’re making me retract my e-crush on you with the past 2 posts.

      Especially this one and the part about …
      “whats your friend’s name?” = “is there a clause for buyer’s remorse in our relationship contract?”

      You know durn well you don’t think like that, and if you do, I’m even more mad at you, Humpty.

      No thanks, Sula.

    • http://www.singlesisterspeak.wordpress.com Nicki Sunshine

      @Luvvie, These are good!

    • http://www.singlesisterspeak.wordpress.com Nicki Sunshine

      @Luvvie, These are good!

    • Me fail english?

      @Luvvie,

      I agree with all but the “No”. When I say it, “no” means “no”, not “let’s start the bidding at an eaten box and a bacon sandwich!”

      • 8th Wonder

        OMG MEDIC!!!

      • 8th Wonder

        OMG MEDIC!!!

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @Me fail english?,

        “let’s start the bidding at an eaten box and a bacon sandwich!”

        sounds like my type of auction

        • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

          @The Champ,

          Mine too.

        • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

          @The Champ,

          Mine too.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @Me fail english?,

        “let’s start the bidding at an eaten box and a bacon sandwich!”

        sounds like my type of auction

    • Me fail english?

      @Luvvie,

      I agree with all but the “No”. When I say it, “no” means “no”, not “let’s start the bidding at an eaten box and a bacon sandwich!”

    • Ivy St.

      @Luvvie,
      Great points Luvvie! I agree with all of them except, I LIKE football.
      If I say I like it then, I genuinely do. It would suck to be forced to do something with a male counterpart that I really had no real interest in doing just because I said I liked it.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @Ivy St.,

        It would suck to be forced to do something with a male counterpart that I really had no real interest in doing just because I said I liked it.

        ***handing ivy st. daily vsb.com unintentional double entendre award***

        • Ivy St.

          @The Champ,
          LOL! How do u know it was unintentional?!?!

          • Me fail english?

            @Ivy St.,

            AHahahahahah!!

          • Me fail english?

            @Ivy St.,

            AHahahahahah!!

        • Ivy St.

          @The Champ,
          LOL! How do u know it was unintentional?!?!

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @Ivy St.,

        It would suck to be forced to do something with a male counterpart that I really had no real interest in doing just because I said I liked it.

        ***handing ivy st. daily vsb.com unintentional double entendre award***

    • Ivy St.

      @Luvvie,
      Great points Luvvie! I agree with all of them except, I LIKE football.
      If I say I like it then, I genuinely do. It would suck to be forced to do something with a male counterpart that I really had no real interest in doing just because I said I liked it.

    • Ashley Neicole

      @Luvvie,

      You swung the hell outta that hammer cuz you hit the nail on the head girl. Bullseye with all of those.

    • Ashley Neicole

      @Luvvie,

      You swung the hell outta that hammer cuz you hit the nail on the head girl. Bullseye with all of those.

  • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

    Our REAL thoughts. I hope the ladies don’t kick me out the Ya-Ya Sisterhood

    “Nothing’s wrong” – You pissed me off and I don’t feel like talking about it but if you ask me again with more concern, I’ll tell you. But you’ll probably think I’m coming from left field.

    “I had a bad day” – Just give me a hug and I’ll feel slightly better

    “No” – You may be able to convince me otherwise if you do that thang I love so much. You know…

    “I don’t really celebrate Valentine’s” – If you don’t at least acknowledge it, you will get ice-grilled.

    “I LOVE football” – I know the rules and ish and will watch it if there’s NOTHING else on! Besides, I just like that jersey of yours. Can I wear it on Sunday?

    There are just a few.

  • overit

    much of the acrimony between the sexes is born from and cultivated by a latent communication breakdown. generally speaking, we have much different ways of expressing ourselves, and it can be extremely difficult to navigate the murky relationship morass without a working compass

    ladies, in furthering our committment to crime fighting, the champ will be your compass and, if you’re hot, willing concubine. without further ado, here’s a portion of the vsb guide to what men really mean when they’re talking to you.

    “hey, i just wanted to tell you that i care about you, and i think about you all the time.” = “i know that i’m a half-thread of toilet paper on the anal fissure of bad boyfriends, but i’m hoping this’ll make you verklempt enough to forget that and continue the post-dawn daily bj’s”.

    OK, this is a seriously delayed comment but remember that post about nicknames your friends came up with for the opposite chex? Well, we had a “TOTUL” category=track marks on the underwear of life”. It doesn’t even really make sense but it worked in our circle, and that comment reminded me of it…lol.

    • overit lou hammer

      @overit, much of the acrimony between the sexes is born from and cultivated by a latent communication breakdown. generally speaking, we have much different ways of expressing ourselves, and it can be extremely difficult to navigate the murky relationship morass without a working compass

      lol, i was clearly 1/2 sleep when i posted, i pasted that part cause i was going to make some remark about dictionary.com lol…yeah.

    • overit lou hammer

      @overit, much of the acrimony between the sexes is born from and cultivated by a latent communication breakdown. generally speaking, we have much different ways of expressing ourselves, and it can be extremely difficult to navigate the murky relationship morass without a working compass

      lol, i was clearly 1/2 sleep when i posted, i pasted that part cause i was going to make some remark about dictionary.com lol…yeah.

    • 8th Wonder

      I have no idea what you’re talking about right now.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @8th Wonder,

        me neither. is overitey on that sh*t again?

        • 8th Wonder

          I didn’t know she’d ever been OFF that sh*t.

        • 8th Wonder

          I didn’t know she’d ever been OFF that sh*t.

      • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

        @8th Wonder,

        me neither. is overitey on that sh*t again?

    • 8th Wonder

      I have no idea what you’re talking about right now.

    • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

      @overit,

      Methinks Overit has taken a gulp from WudaMan’s Kool-Aid. LOVE U BOO!!

      • Me fail english?

        @Luvvie,

        LOL!! Or maybe Wu posted this under her name…Say, has anybody seen Wu lately?

        *snatches off Overit mask, Scooby Doo style*

        Egads, Daphne! It was old man Wu all along! And he would’ve gotten away with it…if not for us meddling kids!

        Yep, that’s my theory.

        • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Sula

          @Me fail english?,

          I would have quit you if you weren’t so fabulous.

          Bwahahaha! :lol:

        • http://freetherapyorelse.blogspot.com Sula

          @Me fail english?,

          I would have quit you if you weren’t so fabulous.

          Bwahahaha! :lol:

      • Me fail english?

        @Luvvie,

        LOL!! Or maybe Wu posted this under her name…Say, has anybody seen Wu lately?

        *snatches off Overit mask, Scooby Doo style*

        Egads, Daphne! It was old man Wu all along! And he would’ve gotten away with it…if not for us meddling kids!

        Yep, that’s my theory.

    • http://www.awesomelyluvvie.com Luvvie

      @overit,

      Methinks Overit has taken a gulp from WudaMan’s Kool-Aid. LOVE U BOO!!

    • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

      @overit,

      Somebody give me a map, I’m lost.

    • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

      @overit,

      Somebody give me a map, I’m lost.

  • overit

    much of the acrimony between the sexes is born from and cultivated by a latent communication breakdown. generally speaking, we have much different ways of expressing ourselves, and it can be extremely difficult to navigate the murky relationship morass without a working compass

    ladies, in furthering our committment to crime fighting, the champ will be your compass and, if you’re hot, willing concubine. without further ado, here’s a portion of the vsb guide to what men really mean when they’re talking to you.

    “hey, i just wanted to tell you that i care about you, and i think about you all the time.” = “i know that i’m a half-thread of toilet paper on the anal fissure of bad boyfriends, but i’m hoping this’ll make you verklempt enough to forget that and continue the post-dawn daily bj’s”.

    OK, this is a seriously delayed comment but remember that post about nicknames your friends came up with for the opposite chex? Well, we had a “TOTUL” category=track marks on the underwear of life”. It doesn’t even really make sense but it worked in our circle, and that comment reminded me of it…lol.

  • shay_d_lady

    what ya doin…..whatever it is stop right now cause I need you to do something fpr me…that i could really do for myself but for whatever reason I want you to do it

    Can you scratch, rub,my back or unhook. zip. my bra, dress, etc…yeah Lets get it on…

    Im tired..no nookie for you!

    never mind, I will do it….you triflin a$$ cant do shyt right.if I want something done the right way I have to do it myself….i might as well kick yo a$$ to the curb and get a dog and a bullet…

    man I sure could go for or have a taste for xxx… I want you to go and get XXX

    • http://www.museacdonline.com pgh muse

      @shay_d_lady, never mind, I will do it….you triflin a$$ cant do shyt right.if I want something done the right way I have to do it myself….i might as well kick yo a$$ to the curb and get a dog and a bullet…

      This is my favorite!

      • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com blackberry molasses

        @pgh muse, co-sign!!!

        • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

          @blackberry molasses,

          Shiddd…see how happy that leaves you.

          • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com blackberry molasses

            @Monk,

            ain’t no body ask you….

          • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com blackberry molasses

            @Monk,

            ain’t no body ask you….

        • http://presidentialtelevisionandfilm.ning.com Monk

          @blackberry molasses,

          Shiddd…see how happy that leaves you.

      • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com blackberry molasses

        @pgh muse, co-sign!!!

    • http://www.museacdonline.com pgh muse

      @shay_d_lady, never mind, I will do it….you triflin a$$ cant do shyt right.if I want something done the right way I have to do it myself….i might as well kick yo a$$ to the curb and get a dog and a bullet…

      This is my favorite!

    • Ms. T

      @shay_d_lady,
      “what ya doin…..whatever it is stop right now cause I need you to do something fpr me…that i could really do for myself but for whatever reason I want you to do it”

      And that is the main reason that I hate people asking me what I am doing. If you need a favor ask for it, don’t try to trap me into doing something for you because I’m not busy…. but that is just my thoughts.

      • Me fail english?

        @Ms. T,

        Yeah I have a co-worker who always asks “Are you busy?” I used to say “why?” now I just say “yes”

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @Me fail english?,

          i have a co-worker that used to trap me with that too, but he’d do it by asking me questions he knows i had no answer for, then attacking

          “hey champ, what are you gonna be doing at 2:45 three tuesdays from now?”

          champ: “i have no idea”

          “great. then you can come with me to this knitting convention i’m giving a seminar at”

          • Me fail english?

            @The Champ,

            This is funny as hell. And I’m not quick enough on my feet to get out of this either. I’d have to remember to fake an illness later

            And isn’t “knitters” such a dirty word? I’m blushing just typing it…”knitters”…

          • Me fail english?

            @The Champ,

            This is funny as hell. And I’m not quick enough on my feet to get out of this either. I’d have to remember to fake an illness later

            And isn’t “knitters” such a dirty word? I’m blushing just typing it…”knitters”…

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @Me fail english?,

          i have a co-worker that used to trap me with that too, but he’d do it by asking me questions he knows i had no answer for, then attacking

          “hey champ, what are you gonna be doing at 2:45 three tuesdays from now?”

          champ: “i have no idea”

          “great. then you can come with me to this knitting convention i’m giving a seminar at”

      • Me fail english?

        @Ms. T,

        Yeah I have a co-worker who always asks “Are you busy?” I used to say “why?” now I just say “yes”

    • Ms. T

      @shay_d_lady,
      “what ya doin…..whatever it is stop right now cause I need you to do something fpr me…that i could really do for myself but for whatever reason I want you to do it”

      And that is the main reason that I hate people asking me what I am doing. If you need a favor ask for it, don’t try to trap me into doing something for you because I’m not busy…. but that is just my thoughts.

  • shay_d_lady

    what ya doin…..whatever it is stop right now cause I need you to do something fpr me…that i could really do for myself but for whatever reason I want you to do it

    Can you scratch, rub,my back or unhook. zip. my bra, dress, etc…yeah Lets get it on…

    Im tired..no nookie for you!

    never mind, I will do it….you triflin a$$ cant do shyt right.if I want something done the right way I have to do it myself….i might as well kick yo a$$ to the curb and get a dog and a bullet…

    man I sure could go for or have a taste for xxx… I want you to go and get XXX

  • overit lou hammer

    i am sick and tired of being moderated.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @overit lou hammer,

      lol, then stop changing your name five times a day

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @overit lou hammer,

      lol, then stop changing your name five times a day

  • overit lou hammer

    i am sick and tired of being moderated.

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