The Cheating Spectrum

Posted on by

“Three days ago, my husband’s female co-worker called to inform me that she had been sleeping with my husband of two years for the past nine months. As I’m sure you can imagine, this shook my world and led to a lengthy fight. My husband has declared that he did sleep with her but says it was only once nine months ago.”

I came across this quote while going through Dear Prudence’s archives yesterday. The situation itself was unremarkable, and Prudence’s advice was on-point as usual (“Tell him you don’t know who to believe, and you want to contact his supposedly former lover and see if she has evidence that it was no one-night stand. Maybe that will shake out of him a different version of the truth.“), but the topic resonated because it made me think about all the gray associated with cheating.

For instance, I doubt her advice would have been the same if the person asking the question was a girlfriend instead of a wife, and I also strongly doubt that Prudence would have suggested that the wife try to find out the truth if the third party was the wife’s sister instead of the husband’s co-worker.

My point? All cheating isn’t created equal, and it’s about time that someone made a spectrum to accurately gauge which acts of infidelity are worse than others. And, as you probably guessed, that someone is me.

Without further ado, here’s the cheating spectrum.

***Acts of infidelity are listed from “1″ — stop bitching and get over yourself — to “10″ — someone needs to f*cking die***

(The “Annoying, but you need to forget about that shit” zone)

1.0

A lapdance from a stripper

1.7

grinding on the dance floor

(It may be a surprise to some to see a somewhat innocent dance being considered more infidelity-ish than a man or woman getting their crotch bounced on by a naked stripper, but someone dancing on top of you while you’re stuffing dollar bills in her butt crack has a funny way of making things less intimate)

2.0

Public but private lunch (ie: You share a table at Wendy’s with each other) with a very attractive co-worker.

(The “Maybe we need to talk, you f*ckin bastard”  zone)

3.0

Inappropriate GChat conversations, texts, or emails.

(“Inappropriate“ in this sense is defined as “Anything you’d rather delete than let your significant other see“)

3.7

Talking on the phone after 10pm to any opposite sex friend about anything not business related

4.5

Confiding to a friend of the opposite sex about relationship issues you’re having

(A very underrated act of relationship disrespect that might even be too low on the list)

(The ”You probably should know that I don’t have to break up with you over this, but I could”  zone)

5.0

Drunkenly kissing someone while on vacation

(Upsetting, but far from unforgivable) 

5.7

Telling a person you’re very attracted to that you’re very attracted to them

(Even if this interest is unactedupon, things like this need to be kept to yourself. Can’t be out there planting seeds like that, because, even if you don’t intend to, it increases the likelihood that you’ll eventually f*ck the plant)

(The ”If you tell your significant other about this, you should probably brace yourself because you might get mushed”  zone)

6.0

Drunk vacation sex

(Sh*t happens)

(The ”Unless one of us is rich, hung like a donkey, or looks like Stacey Dash, this sh*t is officially over”  zone)

7.0

Drunken but very passionate kiss between you and someone your significant other personally knows and sees on a regular basis

7.5

Longtime emotional — but non sexual — intimacy with a person not your significant other

(I have a feeling that most of the women reading this would place it higher on the list)

8.0

Completely lucid one night stand

(The ”Where’s my bleach?”  zone)

8.7

One night stand with a mutual friend, significant other’s family member, or, if you’re a man, man

9.0

Long-time affair with a stranger

(The ”Prison time actually doesn’t seem all that bad”  zone)

10.0

A long-time affair with a mutual friend, significant other’s family member, or, if you’re a man, man

(Not only do people often die in situations like this, but up until like seven years ago, you could legally murder someone over it)

Anyway, people of VSB.com, what are your thoughts about the spectrum? Did you agree with my placements? Also, are there any other acts you’d like to see included? If so, where would you put them?

—The Champ

367 thoughts on “The Cheating Spectrum”

  1. Hmmm…interesting spectrum but I must say I agree. My ex of 7 years cheated on me for 4 of those years with his ex so that’s a 9. But hell I was far from perfect…I had a 7.5,4.5, 3,etc. So I guess ish happens it’s just matter of how bad it is determines one reactions.

    Reply ↓

  2. I agree with most of it, if the scale applies to me. If it applies to my woman, people start dying somewhere between 5.0 and 6.0.

    Reply ↓

  3. Cheating spectrum? To me, it’s all cheating if you’re in a relationship. (But relationships do have a spectrum. If he slept with another girl when we were ‘just talking’ – not cheating)

    Reply ↓

  4. I disagree, I think it needs some reorganization. For example, I think drunken sex with a stranger is worse than a passionate kiss with a mutual friend, and I also think it’s worse than a long time emotional affair. For me, emotional dissatisfaction just isn’t as worse in the long run as physical dissatisfaction. The latter affects a person’s often delicate self image, which can be long lasting, whereas the former (just MY opinion) affects the emotions of the person cheated on, and doesn’t always leave that deeply embedded knife of inadequacy.

    Reply ↓

      • Basically, what I meant by it was that drunken sex with another person leaves your partner to feel dejected and physically unattractive since you sought sex from another person in any state, whereas emotional affairs tend to be emotional satisfaction. I think knowing that physically SOMEONE else was more attractive than you is more damaging to a persons mental state than to know that someone else had a more attractive personality…because no one gives a shit about personality these days.

        Reply ↓

    • I’d have to say that’s an individual interpretation, cause in my opinion, drunken sex with a stranger probably has nothing to do with the S/O. If its a man doing it. Usually a woman cheating like that is getting revenge, so it means something. With a man it just means he was horny and drunk and she went along for the ride. Plus he has judgement issues. But not a reflection on her at all.

      Reply ↓

      • agreed Cougar. i probably wouldn’t be able to trust him fully again re: drunken sex, but i think it would make me question myself and the relationship less than the long-term emotional affair

        Reply ↓

      • I’d have to say that’s an individual interpretation, cause in my opinion, drunken sex with a stranger probably has nothing to do with the S/O

        Agreed.

        Reply ↓

    • Somehow, the passionnate kiss with a friend feels worse… I think it’s because I have to look at that broad everyday. Furthermore, it’s almost like you meant for me to find out. It’s not likely I’ll find out about sex with a stranger, but almost 100% I’ll find out about a kiss with a close friend. J/S

      Reply ↓

      • If I felt betrayed by passionate kissing between my man and a friend, they would *not* want me to see either of them again.

        Reply ↓

  5. I hope inappropriate texts/emails fall under the G chat heading. Also, I think they should move up the list to maybe a 6 or so because those inappropriate conversations written conversations are the precursor to the inappropriate phone conversations which are the precursor to the inappropriate visits.

    Reply ↓

  6. I agree with the majority with minor quibbles. I would slide up the long time affair with a stranger though. There’s not enough distance between that and the previous one. I completely disagree with telling someone you’re attracted to them though.

    I believe women would rank any sneaky behavior (regardless of what is actually done) higher than men would generally speaking. That all ties with the great fear of an emotional affair though we agree would generally rate higher for men than women.

    Reply ↓

    • In my experience, women are less threatened by their man having close relationships with women. i know quite a few guys who won’t even consider being serious with a woman who has a close male friend.

      Reply ↓

    • i know that’s true for me Malik. i think guys would be more concerned about if anything substantial happened. whereas for me, i feel that anything sneaky makes you untrustworthy. people who lie about lil’ ish, lie about big ish. it really scares me. i don’t like to see dishonesty or lack of consideration for those you care about on any level, no matter how small (romantic relationships and friendships). freaks me out, makes me nervous.

      Reply ↓

  8. Oh the talking to a person of the opposite sex (someone you’re attracted to and/or an ex) is higher up for me… No chick should be able to tell me about my relationship….

    Reply ↓

      • Yes, that is an odd feeling. My dilemma is that my husband shares info about us with his sister. I know that’s his family but she and I are not tight like that. Plus, I don’t know anything about her business so I don’t like that idea that she has so much access to my business. I think it would be different if she and I had a mutual relationship where we shared with each other but we don’t. Am I crazy to be slightly offended that he shares so much about us with his sis?

        Reply ↓

        • I can’t speak to this too much, since i’m not married, but I have a suggestion. I was in a serious relationship recently (lasted a few years and spanned significant geographical distances, meaning it was both a ltr AND a ldr) and ole girl told her male cousin (who i’ve met but I’m not good friends with) a lot of stuff about us. I just accepted that it was going to happen, seeing that they are fam and are really close like that.

          No, you’re not crazy to be offended at all given that you and her don’t share much. But the thing is, they’re fam and that’s a bond that can’t be broken. So it’s gonna be hard for you to tell him not to talk to his sister about stuff if, as far as he’s concerned, that’s par for the course in terms of how he handles relationship issues. At the same time, you two are married though, so if anything you both should endeavor to conquer this issue. If you haven’t already, try to reach out to the sister and tell her that you two may not have the best relationship now, but you know that your husband brings relationship issues to her and you want to get to know her better. That way she at least has a sense of who you are when these issues are brought to her. If she rebuffs you, at least you tried.

          Reply ↓

  10. Drunken vacation luvin needs to be #11 in my opinion. You don’t know that person from adam (or adina) and since its “drunken luvin” you probably weren’t even as “cautious” as you shoulda been.

    My man having a one night stand with a man would move up to about 100 as well. There is just no excuse. Especially if my man was the “bottom”

    Everything else pretty much flows nicely. But my own personal tolerance is somewhere between 3.7 and 5.7

    Reply ↓

    • ” Especially if my man was the “bottom”

      LMFAO!!! Like ROTFLMAO!! But I feel u tho. At least be the one doin the penetration…smh and lmao!

      But I also agree wit u Lady NGO as far as drunken vacation luvin bein #11. Unforgivable as far as I’m concerned

      Reply ↓

    • I agree about the drunken vaycay activity. My husband did that when we were dating, but the kicker is he didn’t tell me about until after we were married. Years later I am still not over it. Since I didn’t find out until we were married and he kept it from me for the early part of our marriage,it felt more like married cheating than dating cheating. Totally disrespectful and unfair.

      Reply ↓

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>