The Bottom Line: Why The Media Cares So Much About Black Women’s Dating Habits

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This picture has no connection to the post. Just thought we could all use a bit more Nicole Beharie in our lives

It’s a phenomenon that’s slowly becoming my own personal version of “Groundhog Day”

A major news source will publish a piece taking a “fresh and irreverent” look at black women’s dating woes. Occasionally this will be a news source that seemed to have no discernible interest in the lives of black women until they decided to place them under a microscope. (Seriously. At the rate we’re going, we’re maybe two months away from Hunting Illustrated running a cover feature titled “Not-So-Fresh Bait: Can a Successful Black Fisherwoman Find a Man?“)

I’ll first find out about it through Gmail, as I’ll get a notification from each of the dozen or so of my friends who’ve tagged me after posting a link to it on their Facebook pages.

Then, I’ll receive several dozen text messages, emails, phone calls, and tweets asking for “VSB’s official take” on the issue, as if they imagine Panama and I calling an emergency meeting as soon as the article hits the airwaves and staying up all night with our lawyers to craft a carefully-worded response.

“We have not yet seen the article in Hunting Illustrated nor have we spoken to any single black fisherwomen who can’t find men. Our expectation is that we’ll eventually handle this situation in a similar fashion to how things were handled the past few years. Having said that, we’ve been focused on other things in recent months, so we have to say that we may want to review some things and do things differently. But our present understanding is that there will probably be no change in the way this will be handled eventually”

Now, I’m sure my Groundhog Day-like experience isn’t unique. I’m certain many of you reading this go through a similar cycle whenever a new article about the decisions black women make about their vaginas goes viral.

But, it seems like a recent Wall Street Journal piece — one suggesting that more black female/white male marriages would actually raise the marriage rates for all black people — provided a change; a breaking point for many of us as the bulk of the discussion it created seemed to shift from the typical blame-gaming to a couple questions circling through our collective heads:

“Seriously, can this discussion get a f*cking break? Why the hell is the media so gotdamn worried about what’s going on in black women’s bedrooms?”

Depending on who you ask, the popular answer ranges somewhere between “White men are preternaturally obsessed with black booty. The recent release of “The Help” didn’t make it any better, as the thought of black mammies in tight white dresses stirred a primal lust that made the WSJ’s editors decide to go with that topic” and “It’s a conspiracy to destroy the black family and ultimately ensure that Sasha Obama never has a prom date”

But, while both of those theories have some merit, I believe the answer is much, much simpler: The media is obsessed with who, where, and what black women date because we’re obsessed with reading and talking about it.

That’s it. No conspiracy. No subterfuge. No byzantine plot to permanently sabotage black love. You aint going to get murked by any albino monks for finding out the “real” answer. The media gives a shit because we give (approximately) 100,000 of them, and us giving 100,000 shits means more links, more Facebook likes, more comments, more page views, and, most importantly, more ad money.

They’re not idiots. They’ve seen the oft-shared articles and features their colleagues have written about successful and single black women and how the church is holding black women back and how an urban black woman has a better chance of finding Lebron’s hairline than finding a man, and they want an invite to the orgy of easy page views too.

It’s the same reason why ESPN.com can’t go a week without having either Lebron or Brett Favre in a headline. It’s not, as many seem to think, about favoritism or agendas. It’s just that the editors know that any discussion about either of them will become the most viewed, shared, and commented on article for that day (and probably that week).¹

If anything, you could blame lazy writers and editors for rehashing the same topic, but that’s sort of like blaming a fisherman for going to the same part of the lake where he’s always been able to get lucky. He might be lazy, but you can’t blame him if the dumb-ass trouts never smarten up. Plus, as a person who has a bit of experience with the whole page views thing, sometimes deciding between “spending hours upon hours researching and writing something that might be read by 1,000 people” and “spending a hour writing something that’ll probably be read by 100,000 people” isn’t much of a decision at all.

So, you ask, how the hell do we solve this problem? How do we get the mainstream media off of our backs and out of our bedrooms?

Well, when Hunting Illustrated finally decides to publish “Not-So-Fresh Bait,” forget about how badly you want to read, rehash, resend, repost, and refute it, and ignore it. Ignore it completely and unconditionally. Ignore it like it’s Evelyn Lozada and your name is “Couth.” Ignore it how the planet Earth ignores The Game, how Rick Ross ignores ellipticals, how my bathroom mirror loves to ignore my “new” abs. Ignore it how whoever invited R. Kelly to Grand Marshall a back to school parade has obviously ignored any pretense they had about getting into Heaven.

I know this may seem excessive, but if we truly want these types of articles to stop, we need to start ignoring, omitting, overlooking, and neglecting them. If we don’t, well, the star-crossed plight of the black fisherwoman might be coming to your monitors very soon, and I don’t think I’m very excited to read about how her trout can’t keep her warm at night.

¹Ironically, a sizable percentage of the responses generated by these oversaturated topics comes in a “Who gives a damn?” format; a phenomenon where people somehow collectively forget that since they clicked on the article, registered for the site so they could leave comments, left a comment, left a captcha so that article would show up, and refreshed the page to confirm that their comment wasn’t moderated, they obviously give a damn too.

—The Champ

335 thoughts on “The Bottom Line: Why The Media Cares So Much About Black Women’s Dating Habits”

  5. I feel like if I keep seeing those articles I’m eventually gonna just be convinced I’m lonely when I was feeling perfectly dandy. Kinda like how pharmaceutical commercials convince people they have “Restless leg syndrome”.

    I’m over the pity party.

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    • “I feel like if I keep seeing those articles I’m eventually gonna just be convinced I’m lonely when I was feeling perfectly dandy.”

      Don’t let them do that to you. Being alone is different from being lonely…if you don’t feel lonely, then you aren’t. Stay strong! Resist the brainwashing!

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    • Kinda like how pharmaceutical commercials convince people they have “Restless leg syndrome”.

      you know, restless leg syndrome does actually exist. my dad told me about someone who eventually had to get their leg amputated because of it

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    • I actually do get restless leg syndrome from time to time. It sounds ridiculous but its real. I know a few people that get it. Happens at night when you’re trying to go to sleep. It’s not just “aww man i can’t get comfortable” you actually feel tingling sensation in your legs and they keep making these involuntary jerky movements. I didnt believe in it until I got it a few times… sh*t is not the deal

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  9. I agree. I have a hard time ignoring stupidity. It’s something I’m working on. Part of me feels like we should speak out. If we give bloody hell to these writers, they’ll be forced to stop. However I realize its all about clicks, hits and ratings. Black women read, watch tv and are advocates for our issues. Writing about us is a no brainer if you want some attention whether good or bad so you’re right…the best response is no response. For the first time since the 5th grade, I’m having a good time not being someone’s girlfriend. I don’t need anyone trying to figure out why that is. I’m grown enough to figure out my life…just like a lot of women out there.

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        • @SFG

          I have seen your pics… You are not as cute as I thought you were…
          And you are way too temperamental for me to put a handle you…

          So maybe when you get to @WC’s age & you tone it down a bit… I wouldn’t mind beating…

          SSTTE

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          • ” I have seen your pics… You are not as cute as I thought you were…
            And you are way too temperamental for me to put a handle you…

            So maybe when you get to @WC’s age & you tone it down a bit… I wouldn’t mind beating…”

            Whoa, whoa, whoa! Slow down man. That was completely unnecessary. It’s one thing to make harsh generalizations about women and their questionable dating and sexual practices, but personal shots at people aren’t cool. It’s not like she took a shot at you first. She was just joking and being playful. I normally acknowledge the truth in your posts, but I can’t defend that man. You’re getting a lil too sensitive. People on this site joke like that. Nobody else takes it that serious. And if your comments about her pics were a joke, then it was in bad taste. You don’t insult someone’s appearance. Insulting their opinion is one thing, but you went a lil too far then bruh. Don’t you think?

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    • “For the first time since the 5th grade, I’m having a good time not being someone’s girlfriend.”

      Okay? Some single women do not mind that status at all. I live with my S.O. now, and sometimes I miss the days of being able to stay out and party and do whatever the hell I wanna do without checking in with anybody. Of course I love him, so I wouldn’t trade it, but being single is fun!

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      • Yep! For a while, I didn’t know how to enjoy alone time. I was so used to always having a man in my face, it was a need and comfort. Now I’m spending time alone and with friends. I need this and I’m having so much fun. Cheers to doing us! :-)

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        • Triple cheers! *takes shot of tequila*

          I think people (men in particular) find it really hard to believe that women could choose to happily be single. we’re not lonely, we’re not aimlessly waiting around for the right one, we are happy – doing what we want to do. This month makes it a year that I have been single and I think I’m just getting to the best part. The first few months were clouded with getting over the break up and now I am really just enjoying doing nothing except what I want to do. People want to pity the single old maid, but she’s out on vacay with her girls while you’re picking up someone’s dirty socks and arguing about the toilet seats. Couples can have all that fun…I’m cool for now

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          • ” but she’s out on vacay with her girls while you’re picking up someone’s dirty socks and arguing about the toilet seats. Couples can have all that fun…I’m cool for now”

            Hey Hey, let’s not knock relationships. It’s not just about socks and toilet seats. Really, it’s not about that at all. Those are small compromises compared to what you get in return. I try to vacation with my ladies at least once a year. In a relationship, you can do both, almost like having your cake and eating it too.

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          • LOL sounds like you’re having fun! Got anymore room on that vacation for me? I didn’t like being single at first but its so stress free and fabo right now! But like Ivy says, relationships are fulfilling too. I’m just enjoying a break and we should all learn to enjoy alone time. We need a good single ladies theme song. Lol

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  10. After an exhaustive evening of arguing with my FB friends about the social ramifications of shows like Basketball Jumpoffs and trying to explain to my Jewish-American male 2520 friend why black teenage girls need positive black role models on tv in primetime (!) which ultimately resulted in me stompin around my living room screaming “I am a medical doctor!” (I’m not btw) I have to say that I no longer care why black women do any of the 50-eleven million things black women do.

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      • ha! me likey!

        sidenote: it bums me out that the only REAL bball wife is a complete nincompoop. the only one with a legitimate claim to the show’s title yet she worried about getting into a circle made of a bunch of jump-offs and throw-aways aka divorcees. (-_-)

        aint enough money and fame in the world to upgrade the mentality of basic b*tches SMH

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        • when I saw the clip with Evelyn saying “B* you’re not in the circle” I died.
          0_)
          Of course she’s not in the circle, she’s actually a WIFE. That show is a mess. I try to hard not to watch it, LOL.
          And then they’re coming out with the LA version….

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        • “sidenote: it bums me out that the only REAL bball wife is a complete nincompoop. the only one with a legitimate claim to the show’s title yet she worried about getting into a circle made of a bunch of jump-offs and throw-aways aka divorcees. (-_-)”

          it’s a case study on how people, regardless of social stature and/or money, still want to be considered by their peers as “cool”

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        • I like ‘Roundball Ratchets’ better because ’roundball’ conveys a subtle simplicity that permeates though the deranged minds of those women on the show.

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      • ” i prefer the term Jump-shot Jump-offs the alliteration has a nice ring to it don’t you think?”

        You beat me to it! Co-sign all day lol

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  12. Well, when Hunting Illustrated finally decides to publish “Not-So-Fresh Bait,” forget about how badly you want to read, rehash, resend, repost, and refute it, and ignore it. Ignore it completely and unconditionally. Ignore it like it’s Evelyn Lozada and your name is “Couth.”

    boom! and there it is.

    agreed, Champikins. “they” will keep writing as long as we keep reading and raising a fuss about it.

    meanwhile, can some one write a piece on “How Can Gem Date a White Man if White Guys Don’t Approach Her?” — i could use the raised awareness from the buzz and entertain some answers….

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    • Lol yes! I have the same problem. Where is this line of white men waiting to ask me out on a date? I can’t seem to find it.

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          • They are both co-workers and people I deal with …… its mainly because I’m in IT (and I deal with 95% men and of that 99% are white men. Their sense of entitlement bugs the hell out of me in our professional setting. The approach is always – Have you ever dated a white guy? Do you like white guys? The worst I ever heard and I still give him the side eye if I run into him was “since I can’t use your comb – would you bring me home” Umm yeah some chick he dated in college told him about that “black rule” WTH!!!!!!

            @Gem just tell me where to send them I will be more than happy to.

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            • I hear you on the sense of entitlement. I want to throat punch some of these dudes. Their I run the world brain can’t process “I don’t want you, I will never want you”. They keep trying, thinking you owe them a shot, in the name of equality or some sht. I like to tell em, I have tried white. That’s why I prefer black. Got a dude next to me that I ignore so hard its obvious to everyone. But he keeps on. If I could throat punch him and get away with it…

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      • right?? *sigh*

        i mean, im completely open to dating non-black men. they dont seem to be as open to me, however. my white co-workers are bound and determined to get me hooked up with a white guy, but i feel like it shouldnt take so much effort LOL.

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            • I suspect it boils down to fear of rejection on their part. Even in 2011 some are not as open to interracial dating as you are, so approaching a person outside his/her race can be fraught with stress (based on a preconceived notion that he/she will automatically be rejected). Just my two cents. :)

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        • I maintain that white men love black women. They have always loved me and my friends. The thing is, like Kema suggested, they’re gonna be intimidated until they feel like you’re laid-back and open-minded. If you’re a woman of color and look or act “high maintenance” in any way, they won’t even try it. I’d suggest going to a bar or something with your people, dressed down, and just let loose and strike up conversations with randoms. If my experience is anything to go by, guys of all races are drawn to women who look like they’re having a good time and don’t give a sh!t about appearances. Not saying you aren’t this type of woman, just giving my perspective.

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          • thing is, i do this! esp when im out with my white coworkers. i live in pittsburgh and frequent establishments that are predominantly “majority”. im always on my chill, having a good time with whoever is around. still, no luck *shrug*

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      • yeah, im not about to ignore attraction or principles outta desperation to pull a dude into black(xican) chicks. standards are still in effect, even for white boys…

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      • ” right! the cute white guys…not the i wanna see whats its like to screw a black chick guys…sigh..”

        You know those two categories are not mutually exclusive right?

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    • I have #non-blackmenproblems

      They want me too much. I had one call me his NUBIAN QUEEN, what? My friend called me his ghetto princess when he was drunk. I don’t mind white guys but I would like the normal ones than the “Hmm, I wonder what makes that booty round?” types.

      I’ve only been in three relationships and two of those were with non-black guys. A Mexican who was overly zealous about c.u.nniling.us and this current relationship I’m about to end in 5,4,3,2…

      Reply ↓

      • Oh wow…lol…you’re not cutting him off that quick are you? I have never dated a white guy, but I am open to the idea. However, if I do cross over it will not be for a regular guy…he is going to really have to be the complete package. If I’m going to endure the criticism from family and friends, I want it to be well worth it.

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      • same CurlyTop!

        I need for them not to keep telling me how “cool” my hair is over dinner. And one told me how “different” my skin feels…no thank you. This isn’t the African-American history museum…I’ve been on a few dates with one non-black man (white and Latino) and I just felt like I was answering all of his questions about how it feels to be a real live black person. Read a book, or watch Roundball Ractchets.

        Also, these articles about the plight of black women’s dating lives always confuse me. Watch Millionaire Matchmaker, or Rock of Love or The Bachelor – everyone has a hard time finding someone who isn’t crazy or dumb as rocks. Let’s start to focus on something that is really an issue in the black community and stop making up problems that don’t exist. We have enough real ones to worry about.

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    • This entire conversation has made 10 lb 2 oz Baby DQ cry… he actually went full bore collicky after reading the comments…

      …I realize I can’t marry all black women (despite my ardent wishes and best efforts), but Hulk No Like White Man Black Woman relation. Hulk infuriated. Hulk smash.

      *pause*

      Hulk read articles too. Hulk know situation no good for black women. Hulk feel empathy, but Hulk still no like. Hulk think of Paula Patton. Hulk infuriated again. Hulk smash

      Reply ↓

      • lmao @ DQ- You articulated my thoughts perfectly lol. Perfect character to use also. “Hulk smash….pause” dead! lmao

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        • I can’t even be mad at you. I have no compelling interest in seeing you deprived of love, marriage, babies (and the accompanying happiness) simply because the dude isn’t black. I’m just honest with myself about what is a clear bias on my part in not preferring this.

          But since the state won’t let me marry more than one person (it’s discrimination dammit) I guess you gotta do what you gotta do… but before you do. Just answer this?

          WWMGD?
          What would Marcus Garvey do?

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        • See Gem, and I had offered my services but you ignored me…

          What can be said? Perhaps, I just wasn’t good enough…or serious enough….or close enough…or smart enough….hahaha….well…

          Word though, rejection sucks. When Gem rejected me, I sat in my closet and died for three days until 11:59:59 and at that last second, I jumped out of that dim, dark closet and decided to live. Your love could have given me life…instead I’m using an analogy that makes it sound like I went ghey or something. No Bueno! Muchos Gracias por Nada!!!!

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  13. I decided a while ago to ignore these articles. Not so much b/c I thought that (if we did it collectively) it would make them stop. I did it more so b/c it was depressing AF and I was starting to believe The Hype. I don’t need that kinda negativity.

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    • right…

      And besides me being single as hell my friends are still posting wedding photos on facebook and making babies so clearly they are wrong.

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  14. I too questioned wth felt it was aight to put Kellz in the Bud Billiken Parade, but whatever. I do ignore those doomsday articles, but it seems that others have a hard time doing the same. Oh well, if people want to keep reading about their “plight” from some mf’er who doesn’t even know them, so be it. Wake me up when they discover a cure for HIV/AIDS or cancer, you know, important stuff.

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  15. “The media is obsessed with who, where, and what black women date because we’re obsessed with reading and talking about it. ”

    Yes!!!!!

    And as for your suggestion of ignoring it – I’ve beaten you to the punch. Shoot, every time ya’ll have Mortal Korbat: Black Men vs. Black Women here in VSBLand, I plug my fingers in my ears, sing lalala and think about how much I hate everyone :)

    lol but really, I agree. The monster won’t go away until folks stop feeding it.

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  16. real talk… i read that article and laughed…

    you know times is hard when a black man is now saying “you know what..maybe you should kick it with Brad for a while”

    I’ve gon way past depression and now its just hilarious…

    it’s like news outlets have a happiness meter and whenever single black woman start feelin themself they unleash another one sided article riddled with stats on why we SHOULDN’T be happy…just in case we forgot to be depressed..

    Reply ↓

    • That’s so true! Every article I read almost makes me want to slit my wrist! lol. “Oh, before you get too happy, let me stick this knife in deeper and remind you that you are destined to be alone.” For real? Thanks…I appreciate the encouragement medai.. :/

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      • Those things have the opposite effect on me. I think, if you feel so motivated to contrive something with the purpose of bringing me down, then I must be up. The harder you throw sht, the higher I must be. Swells my damn head.

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    • Lol please don’t give in. I didn’t read the article, but I know enough to know that the energy you put out is the energy you ultimately get back. If you’re positive and confident, people will be drawn to that. Stay up!

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  17. I just read an article that actually presents this topic in a refreshing light. The authors suggest that there isn’t this major deficit that the media promotes, and they use detailed statistical analysis from primary sources (as opposed to hearsay). I eff with it, and I’m not a single sister. I have never ever felt a shortage of available men.
    http://www.empowernewsmag.com/listings.php?article=2051

    Reply ↓

    • I read that article too. That is the truth! Black men universally love Black women…save for Black pro athletes, who who merely strongly prefer as opposed to love Black women. LOL

      I think this whole phenomenon is cover for single sisters not to check their own issues. It’s a LOT easier to believe that there’s a shortage than to believe *gasp* “Something is wrong with me! AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!!!11111″

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      • Actually the article confirms even Black pro athletes marry Black women just as much as normal Black men. The numbers don’t support the hype. Successful Black men (with and without degrees) are marrying Black women and not running for White and Brown women.

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        • I agree with you. The point I was making is that pro athletes *slightly* prefer Becky at a higher rate than the average Black man. That doesn’t negate the fact that athletes prefer Black women over all. It’s just that your typical athlete is 3 times more likely to marry a White woman than your typical Black man. (Granted, the 3 fold increase is off a very low rate, but it’s statistically significant.)

          In other words, the words “strongly prefer” was a joke. :)

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        • tis true…

          i think saying that there is a “shortage” of good black men is pure exaggeration… the problem is that to a basic biatch (which i feel represent the majority of complainants), the definition of a “good black man” is more centered around salary level and appearance.

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      • YES YES YES! This is the quote of the day. Instead of people realizing they need to work on themselves (may that be working on their personality, looks, education, other skills) they would rather blame it on a male shortage! Where is this so called male shortage……. And I just still don’t understand how some women don’t realize that they are the reason they’re alone!

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  18. Taking notes.
    Ignorance can be a good thing.
    Wasn’t as fun to read but it was very well organized.(And free).

    Thanks for taking the time to type it out right, properly and ish. It made a difference to me.
    Nothing to really offer on the topic as I agree with the Champs assertions.
    I like to read my voice when I’m typing.

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  19. I don’t think that ignoring articles about black women dating scarenarios will make such topics go away. The media simply does not thrive on selling happy stories. There are TV shows, magazines, soap operas, self help books, pheromone oils, etc. all geared toward women who are seemingly devastated with their dating lives. Whether it’s Carrie in Sex and the City, Lola in that one Univision soap opera who found out that her husband cheated on her with her evil twin sister who is now pregnant, or Tiffany who repels every black man in a 100 mile radius, no woman is safe. We’re all incapable of being loved apparently. I don’t think ignoring articles is the answer, but I don’t really know what the solution is either. More women writers to stop perpetuating these dating myths? ::shrugs::

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    • The media simply does not thrive on selling happy stories. There are TV shows, magazines, soap operas, self help books, pheromone oils, etc. all geared toward women who are seemingly devastated with their dating lives.

      that’s because we read and watch them. if we stopped doing that, they’d stop creating them

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      • To me it’s not that easy. I’m stuck in a chicken or the egg conundrum: Which came first? The market that feeds off of women’s dating misfortunes or the women who need an outlet to validate and support their reasoning for why they can’t get a man?

        Aside from people who read these articles just for the laughs or as guilty pleasures, there’s a legitimate group of women that seek out this type of fluff because they truly believe in it. Isn’t the problem more fundamental than “just stop reading?”

        There has to be a movement to socially reconstruct women’s perception of being single or coming across mediocre men in the dating pool. Men are more apt at dealing with crappy selections – they just chock it up to the game and move on. But a lot of women (not all) take it extremely personally and victimize themselves and not their unrealistic choices.

        I think to solve the problem, more women need to accept that being single isn’t always bad, droughts are normal, Mr. Perfect does not exist, relationships are about serious work and compromise (from both ends), and everyone (male and female) encounters mediocre people in the dating world.

        You eliminate the people who drive the market so the market can’t exist in the first place – you don’t just ignore it and expect/hope that it will go away.

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  20. I usualy don’t write comments on the VSB…but don’t get me wrong, I am on the website everyday reading everyone elses’ comments. However, I had to THANK YOU for this article. Quite frankly, I was curious about the same question. Just as I was about to go to bed, I see your article and think to myself, “Thank you!” It’s amazing because there are so many other issues black women are dealing with other than dating. In the past two weeks I have read about 9 articles dealing with black women and our dating situation. But, you are absolutely right. The point is: I’m reading them. I am wasting 10 minutes of my day reading this article (when there was a similar article a few hours prior to me reading that article). Anyway, thank you for reiterating my frustration. :)

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  21. Personally, I enjoy the heat the BW are getting… So I am rooting for more HONEST & BLUNT discussion, it needs to be had… Maybe it will raise the quality of BW I see everyday…

    But I am guaranteed enjoyment when an “Black Women’s Single Plight” hits the airwaves (& in life their are very few guarantees)

    There are more pressing topics that need way more attention that BW are getting, but it doesn’t move the meter like “BWs spinsterhood” topics do…

    So, for our own good… whether the media keeps feeding this topic to us or not… We need to focus our eyeballs elsewhere…

    P.S. Will the media EVER ASK black men why they are not willing to marry black women…? (NO) & Will the media EVER ask why black men are hopping the fence…? (Probably Not)

    When they do, the answers to those questions are GUARANTEED entertainment :-P

    SSTTE

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    • Didn’t work for black men…the ‘attention’ on why they are in jail or not paying child support or fathering children (lots) out of wedlock? Did it ‘raise the quality of black men’ we are seeing? Did it lead to honest debate?

      Nope.

      I think most people, most black people, think that the ‘attention’ was just negative stereotyping. i don’t think it has or ever will lead to honest debate or raise the quality of anything. In fact, I would dare say that it has made black men pretty furious.

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    • “Will the media EVER ASK black men why they are not willing to marry black women…? (NO) & Will the media EVER ask why black men are hopping the fence…? (Probably Not)”

      there aren’t enough black men hoping the fence to really warrant a discussion. actually, you know what? we talked long and hard about the .00002 percent of black men who are on the downlow, so i guess we could have discussions geared around the 8 percent of married black men who are married to non-black women

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  22. Black people don’t make up enough of the population, especially the reading population (lol, sorry), to be solely responsible for keeping this a hot topic. To be perfectly honest, I think people of other races enjoy hearing about our supposed dating woes. We are the most sexualized of the races, and I think they feel threatened by us when it comes to sex and sex appeal. Therefore, it makes sense to me that not only black women, but white women and women of other races as well eat this sh!t up.

    The reality is that women of ALL races deal with the same problems. Based on my personal circle of friends and associates, the single white chicks are actually struggling more than the others. It’s just the way times are changing and people’s mentalities are evolving. There are lofty expectations and communication breakdowns between men and women regardless of race. But I guess it’s more fun for everyone to think black women are the red-headed stepchildren of America. And maybe we are. Bottome line, though, is that these stories aren’t going anywhere for a while. The general public is too enthralled. We should just accept it and take the opportunities to educate each other and others about what we go through. We’re getting all this shine, might as well make the best of it.

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    • @Around The Way Girl

      Such a great comment here… I don’t talk about other races of women because they are irrelevant for the most part… But they are definitely going through similar issues

      Marriage stats don’t account for, quality of relationships…

      Single stats are misleading… Co-Habitation needs to be accounted as a marriage/ nuclear family

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    • The reality is that women of ALL races deal with the same problems. Based on my personal circle of friends and associates, the single white chicks are actually struggling more than the others.

      Befitted with a black robe and a horsehair wig, Boron Negro Mancer, Esq. stands before the court.

      Ahem…Your Honour, my client here posits that, irrespective of race, American women’s dating options have become more limited since the mid-Twentieth Century. And the defense supports this position with Exhibit A: http://www.mydaily.com/2011/03/13/manning-up-kay-hymowitz-men-boys-pre-adults/

      You see, America’s transition from an industrial, manufacturing economy to a post-industrial, information economy has empowered women and has impeded men in their respective professional endeavors: Fifty years ago, a man could graduate high school and earn a respectable living in a factory; today, such a scenario is nigh impossible.

      More than ever, college education is the key to attaining a comfortable lifestyle, but Exhibit B (http://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2010/jun/15/big-man-shortage-on-campus/) comes into play: proportionally, men are representing less and less of the US college population…which means that the man-child that you constantly see in movies is not too far off from the truth.

      This leaves American women with few options for dating men who are, well, men.

      The defense rests.

      Reply ↓

  23. Another article from the mass media focsuing on black women’s dating woes. If it was an article in “Ebony” or “Essence”, I could understand, but the Wall Street Journal? Yeah, that makes perfect sense, seeing how the WSJ has a long history of being concerned about black love..

    I’m still waiting for the media to do a story on the cats who’re really suffering in the dating arena: The nice black guy. No tv specials for them. No articles in any major newpaper–nada, zip, zilch. Steve Harvey has yet to write a book for those dudes.

    According to the mass media, there’s this surplus of single, incredibly awesome black women who have 5011 degrees, great jobs in corporate America, and these sisters only want to date and marry black men. These women also don’t have any kids, have good credit and are cheerleaders for their local professional sports team on the weekends. These amazing women are at the mercy of smooth talking players, the infamous ghetto womanizers who literraly have throngs of women at their beck and call. These men are callous in their dealings with the opposite sex and don’t have to commit to one woman because of the skewed ratio of men to women in black communities. Should the woman make too many demands–she can be easily replaced by another amazing brickhouse who looks just like Stacy Dash. The woman kicked to the curb may go months or years without being in a meaningful relationship.

    But the media never shows the brothers who are having trouble navigating the dating scene or the cats who don’t want to engage in the silly games that come with modern day dating. Nope–those cats don’t exist, but they can find all these amazing sisters who look like Richelle Carey, write poetry like Maya Angelou, can cook better than your grandmother but still can’t seem to find a man. Now, no one actually knows or has met any of these amazing women that the media always seems to find for these interviews, but they all seem to live in LA, New York, or Atlanta.

    I guess the solution for the cats having trouble finding a woman to date, is to pack up and move to LA, NYC or Atlanta.

    Reply ↓

    • @The Possum Hill Kid

      I’m still waiting for the media to do a story on the cats who’re really suffering in the dating arena: The nice black guy. No tv specials for them.

      If this & “Around The Way Girl”‘s comment is any indication, today is going to be a day of growth & learning for me…

      Thanks…

      And the whole comment about “The Amazing Black Woman Who Can’t Find A Black Man To Marry Her” is comical…

      GUARANTEED ENTERTAINMENT!!!

      Reply ↓

      • @Adonis No one care about the dating woes of brothers. No one cares, no gives a damn if you’re a black man and you don’t have a woman in your life. Folks will tell you quick that you need to get in the game(ie become a player) and stop whining. In the next breath, they will then complain about the lack of good black men.

        You’ll hear all this talk about how the skewed ratio of black women to black men indicates that brothers out here are having a field day and they have harems filled with attractive women at their beck and call. Nothing could be further from the truth–especially if you look in the military, where there are tons of brothers who will tell you that they can’t find a sister willing to date them.

        But when those cats end up dating or marrying a white, asian or latin woman–they get branded as sell-outs. Which has always puzzled me. If a man wants a wife and a family and the women in his own race/ethnic group say that he’s undesirable, what’s he supposed to do? Keep searching until he finds someone in his own group that’s not repulsed by him? I’m all for having a thick skin and dealing with rejection, but if the women you’re trying to approach keep shooting you down while other women are co-operative, you have to go where the fish are biting.

        Reply ↓

        • @Possum Hill Kid

          Good point, that is why guys like me & Obsidian address the nerds/nice guys, especially the black ones…

          Personally, men need to man the-f*ck up & take a Red Pill… (Learn Game)

          My suggestion is this… go get you a BAD whooty girl & parade her around the black women you want to get with (it is a double whammy, not only do you come pre-selected, but you make them feel insecure, which make opening their legs much easier…) & then make the black women your mistresses while rewarding the white chicks for dating the real “you”…

          But when those cats end up dating or marrying a white, asian or latin woman–they get branded as sell-outs. Which has always puzzled me. If a man wants a wife and a family and the women in his own race/ethnic group say that he’s undesirable, what’s he supposed to do? Keep searching until he finds someone in his own group that’s not repulsed by him? I’m all for having a thick skin and dealing with rejection, but if the women you’re trying to approach keep shooting you down while other women are co-operative, you have to go where the fish are biting.

          It is a unshakable truth about women, they are afraid of missing out on a Great Catch (being that they are so rare…), your job is to give her substance to her fears

          The women that rejected you don’t want you succeeding with women cause then they have to re-evaluate you now, that you have a bad b*tch on your arm…

          So, I agree, go where the fish are biting, & when the fish you wanted come biting later, a Pump & Dump is the way to go…

          My name is Adonis, & I am happy to be of service…

          SSTTE

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          • “So, I agree, go where the fish are biting, & when the fish you wanted come biting later, a Pump & Dump is the way to go.”

            @Adonis Youngblood, I have to disagree with you here. If a woman rejects me and comes around later, acting all interested for whatever reason–she gets placed in the friend zone.That means no sex for her, no relationship–no nothing. If you want to be with me, you’ve got to strike while the iron is hot. I ain’t about to reward any woman with a night of passion with me if she wasn’t smart enough to see that I was the man she needed to be with in the first place.

            Reply ↓

            • “If you want to be with me, you’ve got to strike while the iron is hot. I ain’t about to reward any woman with a night of passion with me if she wasn’t smart enough to see that I was the man she needed to be with in the first place.”

              : )

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          • Yeah, Possum Hill Kid is telling the whole truth today. Co-sign that 100%

            I’ll never understand the mentality (many) women have that if you’re really feeling them (as opposed to being lukewarm about them and throwing mixed signals) that something must be wrong with you (even though they were telling their friends how cute you were a couple weeks before). That’s why it’s so hard to feel sorry for them when they complain about their dating woes. And Todd is right. They can’t tell the difference between a dude that doesn’t like or respect them (or even women in general) and a dude that understands how to manipulate their emotions to generate attraction, aka playing mind games (Y u think they call it having “game”).

            It’s weird because I never assume that a woman’s personality is not self-actualized if she’s really into me (even if it’s relatively early in the game) because I give myself and my personality more credit than that. I don’t think it’s self-hate, but it is…weird…and counter-productive to say the least.

            Reply ↓

        • Here’s the fundamental problem. Women want men who are interested in them, but not pressed to be around them. Now a man might be like that because he has his own life with fully-developed interests and goals, along with a fully self-actualized personality. However, a man might be like that because he hates women for some reason. Maybe he was abused or neglected by his mother. Maybe he’s been burned too many times in relationships. Maybe he just hates people PERIOD. The issue is that women can’t tell the difference between the first kind and the second kind.

          Until and unless women start asking questions, they’ll get pumped and dumped by the last kind, wondering why oh why can’t they find a good man.

          Of course, though, that guy there is a bit too interested. There MUST be something wrong with him, right? ;-)

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        • But when those cats end up dating or marrying a white, asian or latin woman–they get branded as sell-outs. Which has always puzzled me. If a man wants a wife and a family and the women in his own race/ethnic group say that he’s undesirable, what’s he supposed to do? Keep searching until he finds someone in his own group that’s not repulsed by him? I’m all for having a thick skin and dealing with rejection, but if the women you’re trying to approach keep shooting you down while other women are co-operative, you have to go where the fish are biting.

          I was having a conversation concerning this the other day. I was essentially told ‘wait till you’re in your 30s after women have had all their fun with the other guys’. Nope. Not the movie. That’s a pathetic existence if I ever heard of one. I don’t see the logic in being a bench player and waiting until the starters are all old and injured (ie. lowered expectations) when you can trade yourself to another team and be a starter.

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          • @Malik Well, the tide changes when you get game & resources,

            & unfortunately a woman’s looks depreciates, which the quality of men that are willing to sleep with her goes down..

            But I don’t recommend committing to washed up sl*ts… They should be only for fun…

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          • “I was essentially told ‘wait till you’re in your 30s after women have had all their fun with the other guys’. Nope. Not the movie. That’s a pathetic existence if I ever heard of one.”

            @Malik If someone had told me that I should wait until women are ready to “settle down” before giving me a shot, I would have punched them right in the nose.

            Now, I firmly believe that women are allowed to be attracted to whatever turns them on in a man and if they want to spend their time “having fun” with the so-called Alpha males–I ain’t mad at them.

            However, this whole con game that some folks are trying to run on decent brothers where they try to convince them that a man should wait until women are done “playing field” is beyond foul. I ain’t waiting on no woman to see that I’m a great man. I ain’t waiting on no woman to get bored with “having fun with the other guys”. Any woman that’s been out there having her fun, living it up like she’s the one sister in the cast of “Sex In The City” has to be a great woman to even get me to notice her. More times often than not, I place those women in the back of the friend zone, right along with the women who look like Sonny Liston and I keep it moving.

            A man has to be proactive in this society. Here, men approach and women choose to accept or reject. Trust me when I say that as a man you have more options than you realize.

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          • I don’t see the logic in being a bench player and waiting until the starters are all old and injured (ie. lowered expectations) when you can trade yourself to another team and be a starter.

            Truth! That is all.

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          • Women don’t see this as an insult.

            “Malik, my heart skipped a beat for the playboy, the fine ass dude on South Beach, and the thug, but I’m choosing a life of financial and emotional stability with you.”

            That’s not much of a consolation prize once she’s in her 30s and used up. Why should you have to buy a car and a house for the same snatch that LeDarrell got for free?

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          • ” I was having a conversation concerning this the other day. I was essentially told ‘wait till you’re in your 30s after women have had all their fun with the other guys’. Nope. Not the movie. That’s a pathetic existence if I ever heard of one. I don’t see the logic in being a bench player and waiting until the starters are all old and injured (ie. lowered expectations) when you can trade yourself to another team and be a starter.”

            Ding ding ding! This is what most of the smart and successful brothers who are deemed “undesirable, corny, nerdy” etc; all say, and I think they’re absolutely right in feeling this way. I wouldn’t respect them if they were just like “Ok, well I’ll let her have her fun, and I’ll be her back up plan”. No self-respecting man (or woman really) would be cool/content with that.

            Reply ↓

    • Another article from the mass media focsuing on black women’s dating woes. If it was an article in “Ebony” or “Essence”, I could understand, but the Wall Street Journal?

      considering the angle they took about market demands, it actually does make perfect sense

      Reply ↓

      • Champ, that Wall Street Journal article looks like a thinly veiled infomercial to sell a book and another attempt by the mainstream media to let white men have easy access to sisters, just like the good old days back on the plantation. The author bashes black men, using all the tried and true stereotypes. Brothers are either in jail or are too busy taking advantage of the so-called “man shortage” in the black community to settle down with one woman and get married. Also the author of the article seems solely concerned with the plight of the “professional black woman”, who coincidentally tends to purchase more relationship books than the average working class sister does.

        There’s been this not so subtle push to have sisters see white men as viable alternatives to brothers for marriage–despite the incredibly high white divorce rate in America. White men are also engaging in a “marriage strike” as they feel that marriage doesn’t benefit them and they don’t want to lose half their material assetts in a divorce. These are the guys that the media wants sisters to consider for marriage? Give me a break..

        I have no problem with interracial dating or marriage–love is where you find it. But let’s be real: White dudes ain’t beating down the doors of sisters trying to wife them up.

        What I do find odd is the lack of outrage from sisters who are pretty much being told by the mainstream media to be more “approachable” and friendly(ie docile and submissive) if they want to attract a white man. These are the same white cats who are supposedly masters of the universe and have split atoms and invented time machines, but they are “intimidated” by black women and won’t approach sisters unless they can be confident that they won’t get rejected.

        Where are the sisters who say that the men who are “afraid” of approaching them need to step their game up? The silence is deafening. When brothers tell sisters to be more approachable, friendly and open to the black men who may feel “intimidated” by them, a slew of insults by the “strong, independent black women” is right around the corner. But when the mainstream media tells sisters to literally place a welcome mat out for the white cats who’re too scared to approach them, it’s cool.

        The one glaring omission from this whole debate about relationships in the black community, is the decent brother who’s been told to wait on the sideline until sisters are through having their fun in their early 20′s and 30′s with the various players, bad boys and “Alpha males”. No Wall Street Journal articles on the plight of those brothers.

        Truth be told, if those professional sisters were really concerned about marriage, they would deal with the black men who are more family oriented and willing to be in long term, commited relationships that involve a preacher and a marriage license. Those black men exist and are out here, but the mainstream media can’t seem to find one of those brothers to interview. They can, however, find the super amazing black professional woman, who’s a lawyer/cheerleader/musician.

        Reply ↓

        • “Where are the sisters who say that the men who are “afraid” of approaching them need to step their game up? The silence is deafening. When brothers tell sisters to be more approachable, friendly and open to the black men who may feel “intimidated” by them, a slew of insults by the “strong, independent black women” is right around the corner. But when the mainstream media tells sisters to literally place a welcome mat out for the white cats who’re too scared to approach them, it’s cool.”

          The thing is, white men have a legitimate reason to be intimidated. Most of them don’t know many- if any- black women well, so their perceptions are shaped by the media, which overwhelmingly portrays us as demanding divas with all this attitude. Plus, the race thing is still a big deal in society, and it takes a lot of balls (more than most people- white, black, or otherwise- have) to just say to hell with it and go after what they want without worrying about consequences. Also, it’s not just black women who are intimidating, but the black men who the white guy knows will see him with that attractive black woman and hate on him. If I were a white guy, I would be a little apprehensive about approaching black women too. So because we understand this, no one gets mad about being told to be more “approachable” with white guys.

          Now, black men should know better. And they don’t have the same social stigma issues to worry about when it comes to dating black women. So there’s much less tolerance for yall in this regard. That’s just how it is.

          I do agree that all women should try to be gracious and approachable, though, no matter the environment or who they’re trying to attract.

          Reply ↓

          • “The thing is, white men have a legitimate reason to be intimidated. Most of them don’t know many- if any- black women well, so their perceptions are shaped by the media, which overwhelmingly portrays us as demanding divas with all this attitude.”

            White men own the overwhelming majority of those media outlets that are portraying black women as demanding divas with attitude, so they get no sympathy from me. They’re creating and responsible for the negative images that supposedly “intimidates” so many of them, but instead of getting rid of the negative images, they want sisters to be more accomodating. Yeah, that makes perfect sense.

            Those white cats that are “intimidated” just want sisters to accept the docile bedwarmer role, just like the good old days on the plantation. These are the same cats that go sky diving, swim with great white sharks and go bungie jumping but are afraid to approach black women, for fear of being rejected. Give me a break..

            “If I were a white guy, I would be a little apprehensive about approaching black women too. So because we understand this, no one gets mad about being told to be more “approachable” with white guys.”

            Yeah, uh, that’s nice and all but if some of y’all sisters are gonna be all sweet and “approachable” for the white cats, would it hurt to extend that same courtesy to the brothers who might feel “a little apprehensive about approaching black women” too? I’m just saying..

            “Now, black men should know better. And they don’t have the same social stigma issues to worry about when it comes to dating black women. So there’s much less tolerance for yall in this regard. That’s just how it is.”

            In other words: brothers need to stop whining and man up, right? There ain’t no social stigma for a white guy dating a woman from a different racial or ethnic group and that bs about white guys being afraid to date sisters because of the mean looks that brothers give them on the street if they’re with a sister is baloney.

            There are no recorded incidents of any white male/black female couple being attacked by a gang of black men but there are plenty of stories about black male/white female couples being attacked by gangs of angry white men. No Crips, no Bloods, no Vice Lords–none of the major black gangs has EVER been accused of attacking a mixed race couple. The same cannot be said for their white counterparts.

            In Columbia, SC a few years ago a young brother and his white girlfriend were harassed and then jumped outside a local mall by some white frat boys. They yelled various insults and slurs and told the white girl as they were attacking her and her black boyfriend that she needed to, “Keep her legs closed”.

            I’m not bothered by interracial dating or marriage but this whole media movement that’s pushing sisters to be more “accomodating” to the advances of white men is laughable to me. These are the same cats that take credit for every invention known to man, they take credit for every art form and are supposedly the “superior men” on the planet..but they’re afraid to approach black women.

            Reply ↓

            • Okay. Stay mad if you want. If you really thought about what I said, you would understand what I mean. You just don’t want to, and that’s fine. By the way, about the social stigma thing, you’re talking to a black woman who has been in interracial relationships and experienced how black men completely TRIP THE F OUT about it. I don’t need for there to be documented cases of attacks…I lived it. Strangers and “friends” alike turned into complete @ssholes and actively sought to intimidate white guys I dated. Got up in their faces and everything. Came to me behind their backs AND in front of them, trying to steal me away, asking why I was “betraying” them (please), telling me the could treat me so much better, etc. And this happened in DROVES. I was shocked. So “baloney” my @ss. Have a nice night, though :) I hope you find what you’re looking for.

              Reply ↓

              • First, thing sister–I’m not mad or angry. Love is where you find it. Do you. That being said, however, turing into complete @ssholes, seeking to intimidate and trying to steal you away isn’t in the same league as actually being attacked PHYSICALLY and having to spend time in the ICU, now is it? Nowhere in your post did you mention that you or the white men you were with were actually HARMED by any of those brothers who were trying to intimidate them or steal you away.

                I’m not trying to belittle your experiences, as I’m sure they weren’t pleasant ones but the white men you were with needed to MAN UP.

                As a man in this society, you will be tested by other men on a daily basis and you either fight back or you get crushed. Heck, there are cats that roll up on you on the internet talking all slick and whatnot–trying to punk you. Those are the rules–I didn’t make them but I’ve learned to deal with them.

                When you’re with a lady and some yahoo gets all stupid and wants to test your manhood, you break that cat’s jaw. No exceptions. That’s the only way some mofos learn to mind their own dayum business. Which is what your white friend should have done when those brothers were all up in his face being disrespectful to him and you.

                I don’t allow any woman that I’m with to feel unsafe or threatened by ANYONE. A man is supposed to be able to defend himself–to be able to protect and provide for his woman and his family.

                Reply ↓

    • Great post Possum Hill Kid

      ” I guess the solution for the cats having trouble finding a woman to date, is to pack up and move to LA, NYC or Atlanta.”

      Yep. That’s the plan ;)

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  24. i ignore the majority of it: the “why no one will ever love black women” articles, the reality tv shows, the gossip blogs…but for me, the line is drawn when they start putting up the “the most dangerous place for a black child is inside the womb” billboards, and the mothereffing CDC is publishing psuedo-”scientific” articles about how 50% of black women have herpes.

    you (well, i) want to counteract the ignorance with information or at least offer a critical analysis…but it’s a battle you can’t win.

    perhaps the effort is not premeditated or even conscientious, but it definitely starts to feel like black women just continue to be under assault & constantly losing the image wars…and it’s been going on for centuries…i’m not even 30 yet and i’m already fatigued of the madness. the worst part is when black women engage & perpetuate the same insanity (basketball wives, bad girls club, etc).

    at the end of the day, you just have to remain grounded in real life…people who value the word of the media & entertainment industries more than they value their own life experiences are losing.

    Reply ↓

    • “but for me, the line is drawn when they start putting up the “the most dangerous place for a black child is inside the womb” billboards, and the mothereffing CDC is publishing psuedo-”scientific” articles about how 50% of black women have herpes.”

      as much as the womb danger story/series of ads was wrong, i do think it can lead to an actual productive discussion about the people we’re choosing to have (unprotected) sex with.

      Reply ↓

      • i hear that, and i always look for silver linings…but i think there is like this great nexus of issues affecting young african-american women, especially if they happen to be under-educated and working class or poor…i think too narrow a focus on abortion limits the discussion to “don’t be a baby killer” instead of focusing on why & how these women are getting unintentionally or ambivalently pregnant, and clearly ignores the other half of the equation…the ambivalent impregnators.

        but like you said, i guess it could inspire some introspection.

        the herpes thing was just…ridiculous, relying entirely on self-reporting. and we (black women) really don’t need any more bad press in the name of science.

        Reply ↓

  26. Honestly, It’s sites like this that continue to lend credence to the new age phenomenon of examining why some black women are single. Not to say that Black blogs can’t and shouldn’t put forth this topic, but when is enough enough? I know we all want to dissect the idea of singledom and find every exact reason that every person, especially the black woman, is single. You can’t though. We can say date outside the race, fix yourself, wear weave, don’t wear weave and all that jazz but at the end of the day, it’s the same for us as it is for the rest of the single folks. It’s about timing, personal experiences, readiness and other factors that are universal.

    Maybe we’re all conditioned to be these folks who look for the fault in everything. Maybe we’ve become to used to nit-picking that we don’t realize that we’re sabotaging ourselves by looking at everything external and internal but not DOING anything about either.

    I know this was intended to examine the “why” behind the situation, but we’ve beaten this horse to death, cremated it and then stomped on the ashes. Let’s just let it rest in peace for a while…at least until next year or something.

    Reply ↓

    • “Maybe we’re all conditioned to be these folks who look for the fault in everything. Maybe we’ve become to used to nit-picking that we don’t realize that we’re sabotaging ourselves by looking at everything external and internal but not DOING anything about either.”

      Men are the gatekeepers of marriage, so I think that this is on y’all to call bullsh!t and stop the madness.

      Step up and defend and protect and prove the naysayers wrong.

      I would really like to see all the committed, engaged and married brothas stand up and shut it down… tell sistas to lay back they got this and stand up and tell them they are wrong.

      I would like to see brothas shut down WSJ proclaiming their love and desire to commit to sistas without the qualifiers and excuses.

      I would like to see black men en masse publicly commit to their women, like in a march on Washington and lead by example to commit, purpose, marry and renew vows with sistas for all the world to see.

      Don’t laugh… that’s how the gays do it.

      I would like to see a national introduce a single sista to a single brotha day.

      I would like to see the Greeks step up and encourage their brothas to step up and get married, settle down instead of screw around campaign.

      I would like to see married and committed brothas step up and dutch uncle those among them who ain’t doing right by their women.

      I want dudes to give some serious thought to who their daughters and sisters are going to marry, because the work starts at home.

      I want the shy, commitment minded dudes to put it out there to other dudes that they are looking for a girlfriend or a wife and then help those brothas get married… cause the truth as I have been reading beta brothas get more sex, consistently when married.

      I was reading something recently that said men get married when they are no longer comfortable being single on the scene or when all their boys start to get married.

      I implore all my brothas do not ignore this, embrace it and solve the problem… one match at a time ~JS.

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      • “Men are the gatekeepers of marriage, so I think that this is on y’all to call bullsh!t and stop the madness”

        how are men the gatekeepers, when it’s the women who say ‘yes’?

        Reply ↓

        • “how are men the gatekeepers, when it’s the women who say ‘yes’?”

          Women are the gatekeepers of sex… men are the gatekeepers of marriage… which doesn’t happen unless the dude purposes ~JS

          Reply ↓

          • Women are the gatekeepers of sex… men are the gatekeepers of marriage… which doesn’t happen unless the dude purposes ~JS

            Wait… what? S3x doesn’t happen unless the dude proposes? I must’ve been doing 88 mph in the mall parking lot and added a couple Gigawatts to my flux capacitor ’cause apparently I landed in 1955.

            This was a joke right?

            Reply ↓

        • Men are the gatekeeper because we have to offer commitment… Women should be proposing in this day & age, but mysteriously traditional about it since we are more equal than ever…

          And it is not like men are asking black women to marry them in droves & they are refusing…

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      • The visual of 1 million black men marching in DC to support black women actually brought tears to my eyes. I have not put my finger on why we have lost that connection to each other.

        I am newly single and I am open to dating outside my race. However, nothing can replace the feeling that I get when I share time with a brother. The best way to describe that feeling is “familiar” But, I must admit that I often wonder if they feel the same… Brothers, I question, am i buying in to the hype or is a woman really just woman in your eyes?

        Reply ↓

      • Unlikely to happen in this lifetime. What I’m waiting for is one of the authors of the “Woe Unto Black Women” articles to address this undercurrent:

        That Black Women and Black Men are engaged in an undeclared war against each other. We don’t hate each other, but it is clear (to at least me) that we are angry, disillusioned, and/or disappointed with one another. Thus we are talking but we aren’t listening, criticizing but not compromising, demanding but not giving.

        Until we collectively view ourselves as partners, we cannot act collectively to help one another.

        Reply ↓

        • See, this DQ guys gets it. We def have a love/hate relationship with each other. The problem is that we are all (black men and black women) selfish and stubborn as hell, so we all lose. Single black men are like “hell nah, I ain’t settling down till I get my fill, like the trifling negroes who happen to be tall and dark have been doin all this time” and single black women are like “If Imma sleep with a ninja that ain’t gonna commit to me then he betta at least be 6’3″, chocolate, good looking and charismatic or else it ain’t worth my time, I’d rather complain about the shortage of good black men.” and honestly I can’t blame either one. Just be selfish as hell until you can’t take the singles’ war anymore. That way by the time you’re ready to marry at least you’ll be humbled and mature (theoretically at least).

          Reply ↓

          • There is definitely an element of self-absorption involved. Basically, the way I see it, it’s 2 groups feeling like they’re always being criticized, always being demonized, always being blamed. As a collective, if you get barraged enough with that, you take a defensive posture, and it allows you to see everything that everyone else is doing wrong, but not what you’re doing wrong.

            It’s why Black women can so clearly see men going after the “AquaBesha-Hood-Rats” and why men can so clearly see women going for “Playa-from-the-Himalayas”, but rarely see how they themselves contribute to their own problems. In the end all they see is that, they played by the rules, didn’t win anything, and then, not only did they lose, but they got blamed for the opposite sex losing.

            And THAT is precisely why what Jhane Sez proposes won’t happen. It’s a room full of victims waiting for everyone else to apologize 1st… as a collective, men and women, that’s where we are.

            On a micro level (individual to individual) we can come the realization that we are on some bull$h!t and that some (not all, but some) of our wounds are self-inflicted. We can be real with ourselves and acknowledge that we’re imperfect and yet still valuable. And if such a man and such a woman meet having had this realization, if they can go into a relationship without expecting their mate to do penance for the actions of others who disappointed them and let go of the anger…

            …then they can win.

            Reply ↓

            • “And THAT is precisely why what Jhane Sez proposes won’t happen. It’s a room full of victims waiting for everyone else to apologize 1st… as a collective, men and women, that’s where we are.
              On a micro level (individual to individual) we can come the realization that we are on some bull$h!t and that some (not all, but some) of our wounds are self-inflicted. We can be real with ourselves and acknowledge that we’re imperfect and yet still valuable. And if such a man and such a woman meet having had this realization, if they can go into a relationship without expecting their mate to do penance for the actions of others who disappointed them and let go of the anger…
              …then they can win.”

              I’m not talking about what we have been but what we could be.

              Like randomeffery said below SOME of us haven’t had good relationship models.

              So I say to the brothas out there who are in healthy, committed relationships and marriages with black women stand up and be seen.

              I even have a slogan for the t-shirt…

              I’m committed… because I am crazy about my black woman.

              I’m saying bring visibility to the brothas who are committed to black women… let the world know who you love and come out of the closet.

              The same for the dudes who are looking for a woman… not a jump off.

              They should have a shirt that says… I commit.

              When sistas see the women who get commitment, you will see a shift in their behavior… and for those that don’t buy in well let the playas and the chickenheads have each other…

              Tag them and release them back into the wild.

              Black folks can make anything hot… why not apply that swag to something positive and be visible for all the world to see ~JS

              Reply ↓

        • i think it’s a combination of things…the 1st is immaturity…i think even people with the best childhoods go through phases where they are selfish, unclear about what they want & are willing to give, are ruled by hormones, are still deciding what their own relationship values are, etc…that’s just part of growing up.

          what i think you’re addressing—and i could be wrong–is a result of familial issues. most of the people i know whose parents were in loving relationships (even if step-parents were involved) & feel like their family was stable & that they were loved…replicate that stability in their own relationships, especially after age 25-30ish.

          unfortunately, there are a lot of people who have never seen a healthy partnership and therefore have completely unrealistic expectations…and allow early disappointments to make them jaded/selfish a-holes too insecure to express genuine affection, or on the other end of the spectrum, completely define themselves through their romantic lives.

          what a “healthy” relationship means is subjective, but whatever your definition is, you need to be around couples who exemplify what you want, if you want a realistic idea of what it will take to have that in your life.

          i think how we were raised is the biggest definer of what “love” is to us…until/unless we decide to break from it based on what we learn as we mature. in any case, that’s what i’ve observed in myself. i expect a lot from my partner b/c my 1st examples of love were truly unconditional, but it also means that’s what i expect to offer. people who didn’t grow up seeing couples that really had their back no matter what & always did their best to put the family 1st…might not even believe that having that is possible.

          Reply ↓

  28. I’m annoyed with this phenomenon. At the end of the day, what the articles seem to be saying is, “Black women, no matter how accomplished, are just flat-out undesirable. Black men are either in jail or dating white women. Or Black men. Conclusion: negresses, sucks to be you.”

    Reply ↓

  29. I am a single black woman (woe is me? Not really) and honestly I don’t give a good got dam(n) about what the rest of the single black women are doing in the dating world. Wondering why that is? Its because I’m not a man. I can’t do sh!t about any woman’s dating issues so reading articles like that serve me no purpose. I’m not down for all that “woe is us what is we eva gon do” bull. Even though I’m single and black I never feel like the writers of such articles are addressing me because the reason I’m single isn’t the reason why the next chick is. But hey that’s just me.

    Reply ↓

    • @LoveJones

      LOL LOL LOL

      I am not saying you are lying, but something isn’t right with this statement…

      1. If you really didn’t care about what the next woman is doing, you wouldn’t have brought it up, & the thought should never come to your mind… But that is not the funny part…

      2. It is foolish not to care about what other single black women are doing, BECAUSE THEY ARE YOUR COMPETITION (assuming y’all are competing for the same men, race irregardless, love that word)…

      Personally, as a man, I need to know what the top men are doing for modeling purposes… If I want what they want, I have to at least see how they got to that point…

      That is why women should model after different happily married women & find out the underlying similarities that got them & keep them married & operate from there

      (One Caveat: I don’t recommend keeping a marriage together if you are getting abused, obviously)

      And I disagree… Just like there are similar reason why women get & stay married, it also works in reverse for single women also…

      I ask women all the time… and it almost always fall under common reasons…

      SSTTE

      Reply ↓

      • I understand your point but my perspective on dating is a little different and I dont see other women as competition ( not cause im arrogant or anything) thats just not my view.

        Reply ↓

      • The married people you’re modeling yourselves after aren’t your competition though. You can’t worry about other single people because yall aren’t dating the same people and even if you are that doesn’t mean your relationship will be the same.

        Reply ↓

    • ” I don’t give a good got dam(n) about what the rest of the single black women are doing in the dating world. Wondering why that is? Its because I’m not a man.”

      Out of curiosity, if you were a man, what the hell could you do? Cause I sure can’t do ish about it…

      Reply ↓

  30. Side note: I just googled “Nicole Beharie” since I’m in LOVe with her hair in that pic. (I’m glad it wasn’t like previous chicks in VSB posts who turned out to be more ‘adult’ actresses) I keep hearing that “American Violet” is a good movie; I guess I’ll finally borrow my sister’s Netflix password and check it out

    Reply ↓

  31. It’s all about money. The professor who wrote the WSJ article has a book, “Is Marriage for White People” coming out next month. He’s simply stirring the pot to increase book sales. He’s a law professor, not a sociologist nor a psychologist. So I don’t understand his so-called expertise. He’s more in line with Steve Harvey: writing books on subjects in which he’s not an expert.

    Reply ↓

  32. “You aint going to get murked by any albino monks for finding out the “real” answer…”

    I thought I was having a stroke when I read that. The left side of my face got the joke first. The right side caught up so I’m good, I’m good.

    Even if everyone in the world was beige (<= see what I did there) there would still be dating issues.
    Did the generation before us lament about or put as much effort as much as we do in mating. I imagine they just got on with life until someone tripped them up.
    Now everyone is out there in the daytime with a colour filter flash light (<= I did it again.)

    Reply ↓

  33. I’m so tired of these articles, so I ignore them. I think it’s a media conspiracy and it’s not just about dating, they’re out to make black women look bad in general….All of the girls in my circle where I live are in relationships or married. 2 of my close friends who I graduated with just celebrated their 10 year anniversary. I wish more stories like this could be highlighted…

    Reply ↓

    • There was something in the air that night, the stars were bright… Fernando :D

      Sorry, had to do it. You must get that a lot no? Any other ABBA fans out there? I know I’m not the only one lol

      To your point, none of my comments today will actually address the topic of today’s post. Ha!!

      Reply ↓

  38. as a black man who loves black women but spent a great amount of time dating non-black women, the problem is simple. There weren’t very many desirable black women around, and for me desirable equals, job, education, no kids, and a gym membership. i will admit my requirements for sisters was greater than for everyone else, but that’s because i’m going to marry a black women, the others were just for dating. needless to say i finally met one, at the gym and things are great. so ladies if you want take care of yourselves, mentally and physically.

    Reply ↓

    • The baby is one of my “little” cousin’s kid. @2yrs it was about 40-50lbs.
      I can’t figure out what they feeding lil homie but I’ve been trying to gain any kind of weight since HS a decade ago and it simply doesn’t work for me. Guess I should stop running everywhere, huh?

      Reply ↓

  42. It sounds like there are a lot of bitter men on this blog who just don’t seem to get that the reason black women don’t seem to want you is quite simple. Its not because we’re inherently flawed. Its not because we’re evil creatures who hate you and only want the worst for you. Its not because we’re silly, weak, inferior beings who are so dumb that we don’t know what we want. WE’RE. JUST. NOT. INTO. YOU.
    It baffles me (and this is gonna sound horrible) that you guys wanna get mad that you’re undesirable. How is that black women’s fault? Seriously?!??? And instead of you to lower your standards like any other rational being and go date 3′s, you wanna get angry and bitter.
    All of you undesirables don’t seem to want to acknowledge the fact that you’re undesirable–which means that as you are–nobody wants you. It sounds cruel, but we live in a cruel world.
    Why is it that undesirable men don’t seem to get that you’re not automatically entitled, by virtue of being a man, to a beautiful woman? Think about it… We get why you want her. But why would she want you? What’s in it for her? How does she benefit?
    The solution to this problem is simple. LOWER YOUR STANDARDS. If you’re not that attractive and don’t have a personality that women want, then GO DATE 3′S. Don’t come on to blogs and begin to lament about the plight of the nice black guys, when there’s a slew of 2′s and 3′s just waiting to call you daddy.
    I do agree there are a lot of nice guys out there that should be given a chance. But the ones who feel they’re OWED hot women confuse me. If you were counseling a less attaractive women, at the end of the day you’d tell her to look for someone who is also less attractive. Why is it that you don’t seem to understand that?
    Ever seen the movie, ‘She’s Out of Your League’? The reason why it worked was because he was a nice, sweet, funny guy (who just happened to be a 5) who didn’t feel like he was entitled to a 10. That’s what made him endearing and desirable.

    Reply ↓

    • @AmaniKwenu

      The different between an undesirable man & a undesirable woman is what moves each gender…

      Money & swag can move a man from a 5 to a 8 in a short time…

      Where as once a woman’s looks goes, you can pretty much stick a fork in her…

      So, I don’t encourage men to lower their standards while I would tell women the opposite…

      & of course, as long as women stop b*tching about their dating life, they can sleep with as many high status men as her vagin.a can handle…

      Women have way more outlets to let off steam than men do… But when we do have an outlet, women don’t men to even have that….

      SSTTE

      Reply ↓

      • TRUTH! Seriously though, why is it that dudes have to face the facts while a woman doesn’t Also, most dudes know that if they aren’t hitting it, they’re the low man on the totem pole when it comes to dating. The problem is that those 2s and 3s get dug out by dudes up and down the totem pole on the reg, so they think they’re one good smanging session from pulling a top-notch baller. Even if the 3 dude came to Jesus on his situation, the 3 chick isn’t…because she’s being broken off. It’s only when those eggs dry up that it happens. :)

        Reply ↓

        • For the record, I never said or implied that a guy should have to face reality while a woman shouldn’t. I think that its beyond stupid for a woman to think that just because a man will sleep with her, that her status is somehow upped or it automatically makes her look better. Guys want s.ex, women are s.exable, so women, for the most part, will not really have to worry about that.
          My point is that men seem to feel entitled to beautiful women, regardless of how they themselves look, and I’m having trouble understanding that.

          Reply ↓

          • Amen.

            There are a whole lot of men who seem to feel this entitlement and it’s repeated in media (Family Guy, Knocked Up, anything with Kevin James, etc.) that you can be a below average man (in nearly every way) and get an above average woman.

            I also think ‘nice guys’ need to stop complaining that they’re passed over solely because of their ‘niceness’. Plenty of women like nice men, but if that’s your defining characteristic you can easily be nice and boring or even nice but just not for her, especially if the ‘her’ in question has a lot of other options.

            Reply ↓

      • I agree…I think if you’re an undesirable person of either gender, you should do whatever you can to improve yourself or just accept your fate and go date 3′s.

        Reply ↓

      • ” When I said “revenge of the nerds” I was speaking specifically and exclusively about those few men who jump on these topics with nothing but hate for black women. I’m talking the seething hot rage. Not educated thought out responses.”

        Oh ok. My bad and sh*t. I stand corrected.

        ” I let loose on men who insult women on blogs. It sport, if you will. I’m contrary and a fighter by nature. So if someone gives me a real good excuse to slice and dice, I will indulge myself, because I enjoy it. I was born a warrior. I try to limit my fighting to people I think deserve it. I think online woman haters deserve it.”

        Makes sense. Kinda scary, but I think I’m the male version of you. I’m real chill and always smiling and laughing in person, but when people make bitter or myopic comments about real issues like this I tend to go in on em. I wasn’t attacking you, but I guess I did read too much into your comments. Again, my bad. I don’t have nearly enough info about you or your philosophies on life to judge you, so that post was more for the bitter and non self-reflecting women.

        ” Chill. Have a martini.”

        Make it a Cuba Libre and I think I’ll do just that ;)

        S’all love. I ain’t bitter, just ride for what I believe and don’t like for any discussion to be one-sided when that doesn’t reflect reality.

        Cheers ( raises Cuba Libre glass)

        Reply ↓

  43. It is a matter of the chicken or the egg with this debate. Are we talking about it more now that there is an abundance of articles concerning the “pitiful” state of single black or did the media just highlight what we were already talking about? I would say it’s a little bit of both. It’s a journalist’s job to not only keep his ear to the streets but also to create the next substantive discourse in society.

    Reply ↓

  44. Reading the comments made a light go off in my brain. The connection between these articles and the fuel it gives the black (and yt) nerds to attempt dark game. Stomp down. Pull your pigtails. You think you’re too good for me so I’m gonna yank you down so you will want me seduction method. It dove tails nicely with I hate you bishes for rejecting me and you are dumb for being with that alpha jerk. Basically, it is a vehicle for revenge of the nerds. Among other things. Just one reason it generates so much interest. But that makes me think that perhaps the plight of the single black nerd is more critical. I guess I should have more sympathy. If only they would turn down the rage….IJS

    Reply ↓

    • @WC,

      I agree with all that… But unfortunately nerdy black men will not generate the same amount of sympathy as the successful single black woman…

      Victimhood is not cool either way

      And what annoys me with women is the lack sympathy…

      But I like I tell you & others… It applies to me also…

      “Get Over Yourself!”

      And I will continue to do so…

      SSTTE

      Reply ↓

      • @Adonis- I get the empathy part (that’s what both men and women of this generation tend to lack because we’re all so self-absorbed) but why do you (a grown ass man) want sympathy. I would be insulted if anyone felt sorry for me (no real reason that they would, but even if there was a reason it would make me feel disrespected).

        I don’t comment for sympathy. I comment because I deal with enough women (who are 7s, but swear they’re 9s) and men who are 7s but choose to date 5s, because the 5s have more humility and more realistic expectations (not to mention a more pleasant personality) and I just think that being online allows me to speak for more men without being labeled and asshole for being honest about the dynamics of dating. Just because you think you’re attractive (this goes for men and women) does not mean the opposite sex feels that way.

        As a man, just because you are educated, black, and have good morals doesn’t make you entitled to sleep with x amount of good-looking black women.

        As a woman just because you’re educated and black and attractive men will sleep with you doesn’t entitle you to a relationship (especially not a damn marriage) to an attractive black man.

        Unfortunately life doesn’t work that way. Everyone’s focus should be on making themselves a better person, and making themselves more attractive to the opposite sex (if your goal is to land an individual of the opposite sex at some point in the future that is).

        Sermon over lol

        Reply ↓

        • Yea, this comment brought me out of hiding. This is pretty much what I was thinking.

          Too much entitlement. Everyone thinks that they are a greater catch than they really are.

          Signed,

          A “7″

          Reply ↓

        • i think this whole rating system is kinda dumb…from the standpoint that…what makes a person physically attractive can vary from person-to-person, and the non-physical elements of attractiveness are even more varied from person-to-person.

          for myself…if i’m attracted to you as a person, it probably doesn’t matter how you look, as long as you’re healthy enough to have relations. the reverse, however, is not true. you can be an idris elba or eric northman (i don’t know how to spell his real last name) look-alike, but if you’re an a-hole…no dice.

          i think you should just work on being the best “you” you can be…that way whoever you attract, will be really into you, & not the sim you’ve created.

          like, i think we’re all 10s with the right person.

          Reply ↓

          • @RandomEffery- I feel you to a large extent. Nobody will get the same rating from everyone. Depending on what woman you ask, I could be anywhere on the damn scale. What I was trying to convey is that people need to stop feeling like they’re so damn entitled to the most attractive person or some person that looks or acts exactly like their dream date would. Give people a chance, and as long as you don’t find someone unattractive, you should at least see what they have to offer.

            ” i think you should just work on being the best “you” you can be…that way whoever you attract, will be really into you, & not the sim you’ve created.”

            Agree 100%, I just see too many people who shun and disregard the people who are really into them for some really dumb reasons, and they’re hubris is often at the core of these reasons. That’s all I was really saying.

            Reply ↓

          • Oh I’m not just talking about looks when I use a “scale.” I know that that most people are referring to physical package, but I use it to assess the whole package. And I agree that it’s highly subjective.

            I don’t have a low self-esteem, I promise. I just recognize that there’s room for improvement. And the man who likes me at my “7″ love me at my “10.”

            Reply ↓

        • @JustMetheguy

          I don’t expect sympathy anymore, but I just find it hurtful that a woman (because she think whenever a man is struggling s*xually, he deserved it) could be so dismissive…

          The misandry is astronomical in 2011…

          And part of being a man is learning to integrate the feminine part of you, and channeling that energy

          Reply ↓

    • I agree with you your epiphany WC, but this isnt no diffrent than women who complain about qualities in men who they cant get to commit (he’s not scared of commitment hes just not that into you). I think the bitterness from both men and women on dating failures fuels sites like these and its quite entertaining. Lmao @ “the plight of the single black nerd”… you aint right lol. In my opinion the lonely nerd and the chick that always goes for the guy thats out of her league relationship wise are one in the same because they both want what they cant have. Even though women can get di*$k from men that arent that into them, they still end up single and wanting something they cant have just like the lonely nerd.

      Reply ↓

      • How is “the plight of the single black nerd” insulting? I really don’t get it. That wasn’t snark, any more than “the plight of the single black professional woman” is. Smh. Is it that these guys hate people pointing out their emotional issues? That confuses the heck outta me cause its “you bitter, you have low self esteem, you have issues, you need therapy” told to women all day every day. Figured that kinda thing was cool. Not to be turnabout or anything like that. For real, tho. You dudes really can’t take a woman seeing behind the angry mask? Really?

        Reply ↓

        • Hey, at least the woman is being offered professional help. The dude is told to man up, and is usually pointed in the direction of some crazy broad with 3 teeth on the theory that you need 10 1′s to get a 10. LOL

          Reply ↓

        • I didnt say it was insulting, i just found it witty hence the lol (compliment)…. I dont consider myself a part of the angry dudes you always go in on so I dont think that last comment pertains to me. Like i said in my first comment, men and women are scarred equally in the dating world and their anger/backlash comes out in these blog sites authors and readers. I dont think its that big of a deal, just stuff to go back and forth with while at work or bored at home. From reading your comments on here you think diffrently than most females so you should know that most of these so called angry men would shut up and be happy if somebody put it on them real good.

          Reply ↓

          • ” I didnt say it was insulting, i just found it witty hence the lol (compliment)…. I dont consider myself a part of the angry dudes you always go in on so I dont think that last comment pertains to me. Like i said in my first comment, men and women are scarred equally in the dating world and their anger/backlash comes out in these blog sites authors and readers. I dont think its that big of a deal, just stuff to go back and forth with while at work or bored at home. From reading your comments on here you think diffrently than most females so you should know that most of these so called angry men would shut up and be happy if somebody put it on them real good.”

            Stands up and gives a round of applause! Thank you! It’s not a big deal, but id I’m bored and others are giving their opinions, Imma give mine too. Then Imma go about my day and forget that I participated. And the last sentence was great!
            If you know he’s a good dude but he has a lot of anger built up in him in relation to his past experiences in the dating arena, put it on his ass and he’ll start smilin! lmao, this whole convo is just too much fun lol

            Reply ↓

    • @Wild Cougar- Funny take on the issue. I see it that way also (nerds revenge) except I see it without the double standards.

      An educated black male commenting on a site like this is “a beta nerd” but an educated black female commenting on a site like this is “a successful black woman with few options”? hmmm….what to make of that?

      A black woman giving her take (aka complaining) about the black men who are interested in her (below her weight class in her opinion) is just having a dialogue about this issue and venting her frustrations, but a black man doing the same is a bitter man with no social skills who needs to just man up or shut up? …interesting

      Educated black women complain about the lack of viable options to choose from (but regularly turn down educated black men who are in fact interested) but when educated black men take the time to respond and say that these women are aiming for the wrong dudes, the women tell these men to stop encouraging them to settle? smh

      ” But that makes me think that perhaps the plight of the single black nerd is more critical. I guess I should have more sympathy. If only they would turn down the rage”

      First off, you are also a single black nerd. Secondly, all your snark, sass, and sarcasm (even you admitted this) are no different from the bitterness and rage of Adonis and the rest of the “black nerds”, so think about that the next time you’re turned off by it.

      “Hmm. If I’m turned off by bitterness and constant negativity, I wonder how the men who have to deal with my negativity respond to it. Maybe it’s not my looks or a man shortage. Maybe it’s my personality and the energy I’m bringing to the scene”

      This whole dynamic is pretty funny to me. (Maybe because I won’t have any issues finding someone when I get ready to) People are a trip lol

      Reply ↓

      • Wow. You totally misread what I was saying. Read a WHOLE bunch of things into it. Attributed to me opinions I don’t hold. Positions I have never proffered, but hey. It’s ok. I’m responding to you because you put a little thought behind your wild accusations and insults. Which I’m gonna ignore, like I usually do, because they say more about you than me.

        When I said “revenge of the nerds” I was speaking specifically and exclusively about those few men who jump on these topics with nothing but hate for black women. I’m talking the seething hot rage. Not educated thought out responses. The “what’s wrong with single black women” meme attracts them as it gives them a platform to air the grievances in the ugliest possible fashion. And it causes controversy and makes people get in their feelings and comment and click and shake heads and fight on Twitter and so on. Im just saying part of the reason this subject gets attention is nerd rage.

        Now, about me. I’m snarky and sarcastic. Always have been. I have my issues like everyone else. I let loose on men who insult women on blogs. It sport, if you will. I’m contrary and a fighter by nature. So if someone gives me a real good excuse to slice and dice, I will indulge myself, because I enjoy it. I was born a warrior. I try to limit my fighting to people I think deserve it. I think online woman haters deserve it.

        I am aware this makes me seem bitter and angry in general. But I’m not. I’m actually a pretty happy, calm person. Men I deal with rarely see this side of me. Like I said, its sport, reserved for online debates, courtroom brawls, etc. But you don’t have to believe that. Just thought I’d inform you. FWIW.

        Chill. Have a martini.

        Reply ↓

  46. It won’t go away because it’s a meme. It’s a virus being passed on to each new successive generation entering the dating pool that thinks their “situation” is unique. It’s kinda like that “Bill Gates will send you money if you forward this e-mail” chain letter… or the “Kidney Harvesting Bathtub full of Ice” Urban Legend.

    It’s old hat to us who have lived and moved beyond, but we have to keep in mind, there’s a new crop of folks entering the fray every year, and for them these conversations are new and fresh. The media and entertainment (in general) recycle content (movies, songs, editorials) because there is ALWAYS a fresh audience waiting to hear it for the first time.

    Reply ↓

    • ****I almost choked on my egg white omelette****

      Not that this at all related to the topic but was it filled with Feta Cheese and Semi-Savoy Spinach? Because if not… really… what are you doing with your life?

      Reply ↓

  48. My problem with these articles is that they simply present a “problem” with not much of a solution (besides branching out to date White men).

    I tend to read them when I’m feeling particularly pitiful and need a little pick me up. One that says, “Hey! Its not just you. There are a ton of other equally successful Black women out there who are also hopelessly single. It’s not you (women); its them (men).” Kinda like a quick shot of [insert favorite hard liquor here] to help get you feeling all warm and fuzzy.

    But really though. It would actually be a bit refreshing to read about something other than how pathetic Black women are when it comes to dating. Or why we just stay losing for whatever other reason the media can come up with. Bottom line: we’re winners and the media is scared of all our super-awesomeness :-)

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  49. I kind of want to send you flowers right now.

    I was just having this same conversation with someone after getting an inbox for the umpteenth time with a link to an article on this topic. I basically responded with “I’m tired of this topic. Really. Just exhausted. I can’t anymore but thanks.” With that said the next time someone sends me another one of those articles, I am responding with a link to this post and will then bid them good day.

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  50. “The media is obsessed with who, where, and what black women date because we’re obsessed with reading and talking about it. ”

    powerful, well said and succinct

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  51. Japanese+Black=beige baby. White+Black=beige baby. Russian+Black=beige baby with a serious accent (I kid)

    My point is that media stays in Black women’s bedrooms because they’re afarid of the beige uprising that’s coming & are trying to discourage us from taking over. Seriously, just embrace the beige.

    While I agree with Champ’s “Just Don’t to Look” idea to those types of self serving, doom & gloom articles, there’s a whole bunch of folks that need the attention those articles so they feel justisifed in their pity party for 1, bemoaning their state & blaming others for their lack of whatever in their lives. Sorry, even bald headed, no pinky toe having midgets find love. All the stats & articles don’t change a thing if a person lives in “what should of been” or “what they think they deserve” land. Grow pair (ovum or testes, take your pick) & work on you’re own happiness.

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    • ****even bald headed, no pinky toe having midgets find love****

      If ever there was a love that dare not speak it’s name, this is that love.

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  53. I don’t mean to be “conspiracy brother”, but I think there IS a purpose to all the focus on Black women’s dating “issues” and why sista’s are being steered towards white men through movies, media, books and magazines, music, etc…I once interviewed a very millitant well known brotha while I was in college and he said something that has stuck in my head for years. The subject pertained to how much Black people have been instrumental in building America to what it is and how there is no longer a need for Black men. When I asked if there was a need for the Black woman, his response was: “Black women have 3 vital functions to the european. As his domestics and mammies(old school), as the outlet for his lust, and as co-conspirators in the distruction of Black men”. They NEED our sistas to help destroy us, they can’t do it alone, and they KNOW IT.

    Reply ↓

    • Wow. I don’t know what’s tripping me out more…the comment itself or the fact that I completely get it. And feel you on it.

      Guess that makes me “conspiracy sista” for today.

      Reply ↓

      • +3 on the conspiracy. It ain’t like they haven’t been doing it for thousands of years (that’s right, long before we arrived in America). Read up on black/African history people. Damn the trees, observe the forest. Black men are no good to European men (especially since their women can be quite fond of us) unless we’re entertaining them, even then we better stay in our place. But then again, who am I to stop people from screwing and reproducing with whoever the hell they want to? sigh

        Reply ↓

    • An organized conspiracy to destroy black men presumes that black men are a significant threat. The belief in this conspiracy says much more about the conspiracy believer than the alleged conspirators.

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  54. I agree with the overall sentiment, though I think it’s a bit naive to say that the media has “no agenda” with the image of Black women, or brown people in general for that matter.

    “. . .has a better chance of finding Lebron’s hairline. . .”

    Wrong as hell, but made my day *thumbs up*.

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    • I’d also agree that while much of the impetus in writing these kind of articles is that they’re almost guaranteed to be read, passed along, commented on etc., I also think that there is an underlying agenda. It doesn’t have to be an articulated one, but trends in society don’t just arise out of nowhere.

      Also, I think it’s interesting that whenever people talk about black women dating outside of their race, the first group they go to is white.

      I’m all for interracial dating, but in general white american men are fairly low on my list, especially if they haven’t traveled outside of the country or don’t have a basic grasp of sociology. You should be learning from every relationship, but I’m not trying to have my primary role be ‘teacher.’ (Steve Locke at the Good Men Project summed this up better than I ever could: http://goodmenproject.com/ethics-values/why-i-dont-want-to-talk-about-race/)

      It’s not a black and white world and there are many men–who don’t fall into either of those categories–who want to date black women. Even as far as explaining culture goes, I generally have a lot more patience in doing so with non-Americans or 1st/2nd generation-ers than I do with people who’ve been sharing this land and history for 400 + years.

      Reply ↓

      • This is very true. Other minorities can provide the best of both worlds: it’s a different culture from your own, so you get the whole new experience thing, plus most of the time, they can relate to things white people can’t, like marginalization and fighting stereotypes and whatnot.

        I think, a lot of times, people initially say “white” when they just mean “not black.” Then the conversation turns white vs. black.

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    • In the same vein as what I posted somewhere above, to presume an agenda also presumes that we are somehow more important to our alleged attackers than we actually are. Insecurity is one of the media’s most helpful tools.

      When Cosmo prints helpful tips for making him go crazy in the bed room, is this a conspiracy to turn white women into prostitutes? No, they know that women worry about thus a lot, thus their demographic will read and pass the article around. It helps to look for parallels outside of your racia/gender group to realize what’s really going on.

      The “they’re out to get us” train of thought, when there is no real attack, is an insult to the ancestors and elders and current victims who actually faced/face real ish, and gets us no where.

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  57. The main reason that they keep up wit b-LackWoMen is 2 make sure of the continuation of willie lynchism…w.lychism means that b-Lack Females will go towards those who have somethang 2 assist them…as do all females..point being that the b-LackMen are denied any kind of acknowledgement unless it b bad…case in point…ain’t hip-hop suppose 2 b b-Lack orient…how is it possible that a white boy m&m…suppose 2 b the hip-hop king???
    Easy…he look like ya’ll gee-us…blonde/blue…nothang like those who Tru!!!ly are the kings…Tupac/Biggie ect…all look like Je(jay)sus…feet polished gold/hair like wool…ya’ll can bet not one b-LackMan gonna say a word…been trained from birth not 2 dispute ya’ll lord/master/savior…that look nothin like u and even mo importantly…a direct contradiction 2 TheeBookofLife(Revelations 7 times/ bible not once)…so i/u/we/us should just b glad 2 b alive…Stop the willie lynchism…a b-LackWoMan is told as a child that all she need is gee-us…not a Man…a b-LackMan is told from a child that he is worthless without a WoMan…how do u blieve in TheeGodofgods and say this???
    Was it not TAheeFather who said”let us create Man a HelpMate”…now how is it possible 2 say that she don’t need he…if no he…then 4 sho no she…taint in the rules of life…same as marraige…if ya’ll two can procreate than ya’ll should have the Right 2 marry…not cause ya’ll love each other…that tis not the object of marriage…b fruitful and multiply…honor TheeGodofgods or honor ya’ll lord/master/savior…blonde/blue…or Thee Tru!!!Th….polished gold feet/wooly hair…the picture or TheeBook…4 no one can serve 2 Gods…there is butt one Godofgods!!!

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  59. I do have my question for you people out there. How is it that women are rarely, if ever, taken to task for their issues? I find it miraculous that all of these women have no sort of issues that would make relationships difficult. That all the chicks with issues are either on the pole or in the projects/barrio/trailer paper having umpteen kids, all with different baby daddies. Even when someone mentioned professional help (which, keeping it real, should be offered to beta men more often as well), they try to deny that something MAYBE, just maybe might be wrong?

    I’m just sayin’. :)

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    • At a recent family gathering, some of my female relatives were talking about one of my cousins, a bright, 20 something college student who had just given birth to her second child by her no-good baby daddy. There were all critical of him calling him trifling and tired(which was true), but when I suggested that maybe she needed to stop sleeping with him and find someone else, I got the deer in the headlights look from them.

      They didn’t say so aloud but they pretty much implied that he needed to become a better man and that she didn’t need to be held repsonsible for the choices she made and the part she played in the whole drama.

      Reply ↓

      • So lemme get this right. Assuming a bit of time between pregnancies (and that your cousin didn’t let dude hit it raw from jump AND get preggo right away), this woman has been with dude for at LEAST 3 years. So homegirl didn’t get the hint by now, she has a serious problem. Obviously the man isn’t going to change, so she needs to.

        Reply ↓

        • She has very a serious problem and she’s in denial about her role in this whole fiasco. Homeboy was a loser from the jump and he has other kids by a couple of other chicks but somehow my cousin thought that when she got pregnant for him that he would turn into Cliff Huxtable.

          Reply ↓

      • I don’t believe that the entire burden of becoming a better person should be placed on your cousin’s “no-good baby daddy”. I feel like if we as a society want things to get better, we’re gonna have to hold BOTH genders responsible for their roles in dysfunctional relationships. If we’re gonna lay accusations at the man’s feet, then be prepared to lay them at the woman’s as well. That’s all I’m saying…

        Reply ↓

    • I agree that women need to be taken to task, but the media’s attention is on the “tragic” cases wher a black woman apparently does everything right only to end up 50 without ever having kids or a marriage. The media plays on our sense of entitlement that way.

      The “good woman who can’t find a man because men got issues” would probably get more readers than “good man who can’t find a woman be ause women got issues.” The former works because a lot of stereotypes and popular assumptions, and some very massaged data, support it (e.g. men are commitment phobes, black men ain’t no good, black men are mostly in ail, etc.).

      To add, my theory about why women are not held to task for birth control…the black community is super conservative, pro-life, and pretty much thinks that a woman bringing life into the world deserves forgiveness and praise. For instance, my ratchet younger sister who feels vilified after her irresponsible sexual choices because she did the “Christian thing” by keeping the baby even if that meant being a 16 year old mom.

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  60. My only thought is ” Recycling this topic in the media is making alot of people very very rich. Condos are being purchased over the Black women’s dating habits meme”

    If Fox News can make themselves wealthy over being racist on tv….

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  61. Wow — for a bunch of people that hate discussing this topic, y’all shole coulda fooled me!

    I think that all the “black geek”/”successful black woman” posturing is pure nonsense. It’s something that’s been conjured up and rehashed to keep people apart. I think that both of these groups should focus on finding someone who may *not* necessarily meet all of their criteria. Focus on someone who respects (first!) and loves you, and most importantly is trying to become a better person. All that other shit is irrelevant.

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  62. But wait a minute, isn’t the Champ also dining from the woe-is-the-balck-woman cornucopia by writing this blog? Benefitting from the very thing that he’s proposing to destroy? Very clever, Mr. Champ. Expect the next media wave to be focused on bashing the black relationship magnifying glass.

    For instance, this article,
    New Research Shatters Myths and Provides New Hope for Black Love and Marriage
    http://www.empowernewsmag.com/listings.php?article=2051#.TkVrX3Px66o.facebook

    …and by sharing this here and on Facebook I have already contributed to the endless circle that you nicely described in your blog… :(

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  63. poor white people can’t catch a break. They don’t bother writing about us we’re all like, “where’s our article?” They start writing about us we’re like, “why you all up in our Kool-Aid?” They put on the Cosby show, we’re all like, “eff this unrealistic portrayal.” They put on (fill in the blank) and we’re like, “why we all gotta be gangstas/criminals/athletes/etc.??” smh

    where I live the myth is largely true. A lot of my friends have started pairing up, and most of them, in fact all of them except one, have been white. Meanwhile most my sistas, including me, my cousin, AND my mom, and some of my friends in their upper 30′s, are all still waiting. And, if I may be so bold, we are all dimes.

    It plays tricks on your mind, man. I’m not looking for a remedy but sometimes I do think, “man, what the hell? SHE found a man before me? Really?!”

    Also, I was really glad when the black woman/white men dynamic started coming down the pike, b/c growing up in predominantly white neighborhoods it was really like, not conceivable for that to happen, though my white girlfriends were all permitted to lust after the three black boys there were. So for me it was like, “okay so…what do i get?” I got along well with white boys b/c there was virtually no sexual tension there. But the downside was…there was virtually no sexual tension there. There would be maybe one or two that would suddenly get hip to the fact that I was a fully functioning girl, but then it would get weird and the relationship would dissolve. Maybe it was out of social anxiety but there was really a feeling of just them not having a vocabulary for that kind of dynamic. There’s no white boys trying to be Christopher Columbus at 13 or 14. This was before the Guess Who movie, even before Aisha Tyler on Friends. I think the closest thing was when that white guy on Star Trek Voyager was married to a Klingon.

    So I’m grateful for discourse that’s been developed over the last ten years or so, that basically plays on the “how in the hell do we do this?” plotline that is the white man/black girl relationship.

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  64. Luv ya, but I think you’re wrong. There is obviously an effort to build negative propaganda up around Black women. The single black woman thing is just one aspect of it. All jokes aside.

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