Dating, Relationships, & Sex, Lists, Theory & Essay

the battle of the sex-less

we all know this woman.

she could be your closest friend.

your district manager.

your neighbor.

your mother-in-law.

your classmate.

your co-worker.

regardless of which role she happens to play, after spending some time with her, you have no problem whatsoever recognizing, examining, and outlining her problem; a problem so resonate that it effects her entire being, a problem that permeates everything and everyone around her, leaving those who’ve been in her fallout area left with no choice but to utter those same fateful six words underneath their breath:

“can somebody f*ck her soon, please????????”

from the “taming of the shrew” to “pre-early 2008 renaissance” condoleezza rice (btw, condi’s makeover from branmuffinhead to potential milf after several rum and cokes has to be one of the single most spellbounding stories of 2008.), the idea and existence of a woman universally thought to be in dire need of some d*ck is as old and dry as ***insert perfunctory joke about random vsb-er***.

(asexual no more)

although this may seem harsh, we all know a few chicks whose general demeanor and countenance would be legions better if, while they were pulling overtime duty at the office tuesday night, counting typos in everyone’s emails or some other excessively anal endeavor, some masked mandingo broke in, bent her over the trashbin in the breakroom, tied her hands to the blender, and blew her back out like bob backlund. if you don’t know any of these chicks, sorry hun. its probably you.

because we feel that a “satisfied” female populace makes the world much safer and much more fun, the champ has decided to give you all four definite signs that a woman needs some soon

she voluntarily works over 60 hours a week

i’m not referring to the person who has to work 12 hour days to put food on the table or to keep their business afloat, but nothing says “get her some serious wang, stat!!!” like a woman who’s a workaholic for no reason. if you interpret this as sexist or slightly misogynistic, hmmm….it looks like someone’s mouth needs some manmeatoh well. i’m the champ and you’re not. deal with it

everyone is always trying to hook her up with someone

when you mom, your co-workers, your ex-boyfriend, your neighbors, your girls, the people you know at church, the crazy mocha weekend barista, your nephews barber, and the family of that guy you hit with your car in 1998 are all always trying to “hook you up” with people they know, it has nothing to do with their altruism or their compassion or their loathe to see a “decent woman” by herself, and everything to do with the fact that your air of “coituslessness” is emitting from your body, infecting everyone and everything within a 20 foot radius, and they’re tired of it and ready for a change.

also, when this occurs, they’re usually three steps away from murdering you. its that serious

during “outings” with her girls, she keeps tabs on who does or doesn’t show up

i wasn’t aware that some women actually did this until a few years ago, when one of my exes informed me that she needed to go to this morning miniature golf outing her girls were having (she had some weird ass girls, btw), because she had missed the last one.

apparently, if she missed two in a row, one of the organizers of this outing would probably send her a snarky email/text “questioning her focus as a friend

***btw, this “organizer” was also nicknamed “t-mac” because of her terry mcmillan stan-dom and her odd resemblance to tracy mcgrady.***

when i asked a couple women i knew about this phenomenon, they each remarked that this is common. at least one member of their circle of friends keeps mental event attendance tabs. this person is also usually the one who’s gone the longest without someone “poppin her pepsi can”

she’s a militant black woman who has recently (within five years) graduated from college.

if i were a mathematician, in this space i would have placed the results of an inferential statistical study detailing the correlation between ultra-dogmatic militantism and lack of non-solo induced orgasms. since i’m not a mathematician, i’ll just say that, without fail, EVERY ultra militant recent college grad i’ve ever known (and i’ve known dozens) changed her tune considerably after she got some consistent gotdamn. every. 100 percent.

i guess its tough to memorize and recite jessica care moore with a wang in your mouth.

people of vsb.com, its your patriotic duty to make sure that the sexless women in your life get some sex, that the wang-less get some wang, that the healthy backed get them broke before the end of the calender year. the world is counting on you. don’t let your people or your champ down.

—the champ

Filed Under:
Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't.

Previously

Four Flat Tires.

  • http://graywords1000@yahoo.com Dorian G.

    *Stands up, begins the slow cap*

    Clap……….clap…….clap…..clap…clap.clap

    • http://www.stickwithyocat.blogspot.com V.E.G.

      @Dorian G.,

      boooooooo hiss

    • http://www.stickwithyocat.blogspot.com V.E.G.

      @Dorian G.,

      boooooooo hiss

    • Gem of the Ocean

      Go sat down somewherez.

    • Gem of the Ocean

      Go sat down somewherez.

    • http://naturallyalise.blogspot.com Relax, Relate, Alise

      @Dorian G.,

      tee-hee @ the slow clap

    • http://naturallyalise.blogspot.com Relax, Relate, Alise

      @Dorian G.,

      tee-hee @ the slow clap

    • overit

      @Dorian G., I see you on some bullsh*t.

      • http://www.heyyouasked.blogspot.com PBG

        @overit,

        I think Dorian was clapping for himself because he made the first comment.

      • http://www.heyyouasked.blogspot.com PBG

        @overit,

        I think Dorian was clapping for himself because he made the first comment.

    • overit

      @Dorian G., I see you on some bullsh*t.

  • http://graywords1000@yahoo.com Dorian G.

    *Stands up, begins the slow cap*

    Clap……….clap…….clap…..clap…clap.clap

  • http://www.stickwithyocat.blogspot.com V.E.G.

    “i guess its tough to memorize and recite jessica care moore with a wang in your mouth.”

    So funny and so true. I know a girl who was manless, not necessarily sexless. To be honest, any woman who desires to simply get laid can get laid by someone – it ain’t that difficult. There is always some trampy dude out there. But to get some on a consistent basis is difficult for some if there isn’t a resident back blower in the picture.

    But back to ole girl: while manless, she was mean, mean, mean. And now she is with a man and is singing a different tune. She no longer goes off on people who say hello, she isn’t b!tching at the world just because…

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @V.E.G.,

      this is a success story and sh*t

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @V.E.G.,

      this is a success story and sh*t

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @V.E.G.,

      “To be honest, any woman who desires to simply get laid can get laid by someone – it ain’t that difficult. ”

      now i’ve always felt this was true. however, why in Sam Hill do i run into so many women who SWEAR it aint that easy? or is it just that they don’t feel they can get schlonged by somebody they want.

      which begs the question: is it better to get bad schlonged, or not schlonged at all??

      • miss t-lee

        @Panama Jackson,
        Bad schlonged.
        It’s a complete and total waste of time.

      • miss t-lee

        @Panama Jackson,
        Bad schlonged.
        It’s a complete and total waste of time.

      • malaika

        @Panama Jackson,

        I would say hell Naw to bad D!! That just makes even more cranky than before… It aggravates the symptoms of lack of D cause now we’re 100x more frustrated……..
        The thinking being why did I bother to shave,dress cook just for bad D when I could have handled the byzness myself with awesome results? ;-)

        • http://insidethemindofadeviant.wordpress.com/ Deviant

          @malaika,
          shave ok I get that but who says you have to get all dolled up and cook. I can get a sandwich on the way and who cares what you wearing.

        • http://insidethemindofadeviant.wordpress.com/ Deviant

          @malaika,
          shave ok I get that but who says you have to get all dolled up and cook. I can get a sandwich on the way and who cares what you wearing.

      • malaika

        @Panama Jackson,

        I would say hell Naw to bad D!! That just makes even more cranky than before… It aggravates the symptoms of lack of D cause now we’re 100x more frustrated……..
        The thinking being why did I bother to shave,dress cook just for bad D when I could have handled the byzness myself with awesome results? ;-)

      • http://www.blacksexyprofessional.com Nia

        @Panama Jackson,

        because realistically speaking most men that believe they are blowing your back out are only tickling your insides..lol…not cause we’re that wide but because they are that little. NEWSALERT!!! All black men do NOT have big wangs…..

        • SouthernGirl

          @Nia, yup

        • SouthernGirl

          @Nia, yup

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @Nia,

          welcome and sh*t

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @Nia,

          welcome and sh*t

      • http://www.blacksexyprofessional.com Nia

        @Panama Jackson,

        because realistically speaking most men that believe they are blowing your back out are only tickling your insides..lol…not cause we’re that wide but because they are that little. NEWSALERT!!! All black men do NOT have big wangs…..

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      @V.E.G.,

      “To be honest, any woman who desires to simply get laid can get laid by someone – it ain’t that difficult. ”

      now i’ve always felt this was true. however, why in Sam Hill do i run into so many women who SWEAR it aint that easy? or is it just that they don’t feel they can get schlonged by somebody they want.

      which begs the question: is it better to get bad schlonged, or not schlonged at all??

  • http://www.stickwithyocat.blogspot.com V.E.G.

    “i guess its tough to memorize and recite jessica care moore with a wang in your mouth.”

    So funny and so true. I know a girl who was manless, not necessarily sexless. To be honest, any woman who desires to simply get laid can get laid by someone – it ain’t that difficult. There is always some trampy dude out there. But to get some on a consistent basis is difficult for some if there isn’t a resident back blower in the picture.

    But back to ole girl: while manless, she was mean, mean, mean. And now she is with a man and is singing a different tune. She no longer goes off on people who say hello, she isn’t b!tching at the world just because…

  • http://www.heyyouasked.blogspot.com PBG

    I can’t speak for any other women, but “goodgotdamn” on a regular basis surely smooths out my rough edges. I usually can recognize my own lack o’ wang prickly-ness before anybody else does and remedy that situation before I offend too many people.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @PBG,

      I usually can recognize my own lack o’ wang prickly-ness before anybody else doe

      this is a great quality to have. good job

      • http://www.heyyouasked.blogspot.com PBG

        @The Champ,

        Some of us are just gifted. And by “some of us”, I mean me.

        Thank you. :)

      • http://www.heyyouasked.blogspot.com PBG

        @The Champ,

        Some of us are just gifted. And by “some of us”, I mean me.

        Thank you. :)

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @PBG,

      I usually can recognize my own lack o’ wang prickly-ness before anybody else doe

      this is a great quality to have. good job

  • http://www.heyyouasked.blogspot.com PBG

    I can’t speak for any other women, but “goodgotdamn” on a regular basis surely smooths out my rough edges. I usually can recognize my own lack o’ wang prickly-ness before anybody else does and remedy that situation before I offend too many people.

  • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com blackberry molasses

    oh, do I have a gf who really fits into the category of “needs some now”

    i love her, but lawd if she didn’t piss me, my mama, my godmommy and my best friend off today. she channels her extra energy into ‘doing way too much’ and driving people nuts.

    i’m trying to get her some quality d before i have to smack her.

    • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

      @blackberry molasses,

      um…can i be on the list for those youre gettin some quality D, too?? LOL

      • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com blackberry molasses

        @shatani,

        of course! I’m all for making my sisters smiley… it makes the world a better place.

      • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com blackberry molasses

        @shatani,

        of course! I’m all for making my sisters smiley… it makes the world a better place.

    • http://myspace.com/shatani shatani

      @blackberry molasses,

      um…can i be on the list for those youre gettin some quality D, too?? LOL

  • http://lostwomanchild.blogspot.com blackberry molasses

    oh, do I have a gf who really fits into the category of “needs some now”

    i love her, but lawd if she didn’t piss me, my mama, my godmommy and my best friend off today. she channels her extra energy into ‘doing way too much’ and driving people nuts.

    i’m trying to get her some quality d before i have to smack her.

  • http://trintrinsez.blogspot.com trin-trin

    #4

    so sad but so damn true.

    whats worse, is i dont see an end to it ever.

    im too damn picky

    im all high strung n shyt now…gettin some will at least let me relax a bit…among other things lol

    • miss t-lee

      @trin-trin,
      “im too damn picky”

      I completely understand girl.

      • temps

        @miss t-lee,

        paralysis thru analysis!!!!

      • temps

        @miss t-lee,

        paralysis thru analysis!!!!

    • miss t-lee

      @trin-trin,
      “im too damn picky”

      I completely understand girl.

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @trin-trin,

      “whats worse, is i dont see an end to it ever.”

      forever ever?

      • http://trintrinsez.blogspot.com trin-trin

        @The Champ,

        i shouldnt say forever ever…but its very slim pickins where i live and im finna be here for the next three years for grad school starting january soo…and once school starts i aint gonna have time to dedicate to gettin a dude or a ho so…yeah i figure this dry spell may last a while :-( sucks 4 me

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @trin-trin,

          where do you live and sh*t?

          • http://trintrinsez.blogspot.com trin-trin

            @The Champ,

            just moved to the bay area

            i love cali but i miss the east coast

            (and no i aint advertising to get hooked up im just lamenting in my misery lol)

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

              @trin-trin,

              (and no i aint advertising to get hooked up im just lamenting in my misery lol)

              you sure? asking because i was about to hold an auction for your email address on ebay

              • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

                @The Champ, LMAO.

              • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

                @The Champ, LMAO.

              • http://trintrinsez.blogspot.com trin-trin

                @The Champ,

                well, uhhh…in that case…break me off 50% of the proceeds and im all 4 it…

                i mean, cuz if homie ends up bein a loser i should at least get some monetary benefit from it right???

              • http://trintrinsez.blogspot.com trin-trin

                @The Champ,

                well, uhhh…in that case…break me off 50% of the proceeds and im all 4 it…

                i mean, cuz if homie ends up bein a loser i should at least get some monetary benefit from it right???

            • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

              @trin-trin,

              (and no i aint advertising to get hooked up im just lamenting in my misery lol)

              you sure? asking because i was about to hold an auction for your email address on ebay

          • http://trintrinsez.blogspot.com trin-trin

            @The Champ,

            just moved to the bay area

            i love cali but i miss the east coast

            (and no i aint advertising to get hooked up im just lamenting in my misery lol)

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

          @trin-trin,

          where do you live and sh*t?

      • http://trintrinsez.blogspot.com trin-trin

        @The Champ,

        i shouldnt say forever ever…but its very slim pickins where i live and im finna be here for the next three years for grad school starting january soo…and once school starts i aint gonna have time to dedicate to gettin a dude or a ho so…yeah i figure this dry spell may last a while :-( sucks 4 me

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com The Champ

      @trin-trin,

      “whats worse, is i dont see an end to it ever.”

      forever ever?

  • http://trintrinsez.blogspot.com trin-trin

    #4

    so sad but so damn true.

    whats worse, is i dont see an end to it ever.

    im too damn picky

    im all high strung n shyt now…gettin some will at least let me relax a bit…among other things lol

More Like This