we all know this woman.
she could be your closest friend.
your district manager.
regardless of which role she happens to play, after spending some time with her, you have no problem whatsoever recognizing, examining, and outlining her problem; a problem so resonate that it effects her entire being, a problem that permeates everything and everyone around her, leaving those who’ve been in her fallout area left with no choice but to utter those same fateful six words underneath their breath:
“can somebody f*ck her soon, please????????”
from the “taming of the shrew” to “pre-early 2008 renaissance” condoleezza rice (btw, condi’s makeover from branmuffinhead to potential milf after several rum and cokes has to be one of the single most spellbounding stories of 2008.), the idea and existence of a woman universally thought to be in dire need of some d*ck is as old and dry as ***insert perfunctory joke about random vsb-er***.
(asexual no more)
although this may seem harsh, we all know a few chicks whose general demeanor and countenance would be legions better if, while they were pulling overtime duty at the office tuesday night, counting typos in everyone’s emails or some other excessively anal endeavor, some masked mandingo broke in, bent her over the trashbin in the breakroom, tied her hands to the blender, and blew her back out like bob backlund. if you don’t know any of these chicks, sorry hun. its probably you.
because we feel that a “satisfied” female populace makes the world much safer and much more fun, the champ has decided to give you all four definite signs that a woman needs some soon
she voluntarily works over 60 hours a week
i’m not referring to the person who has to work 12 hour days to put food on the table or to keep their business afloat, but nothing says “get her some serious wang, stat!!!” like a woman who’s a workaholic for no reason. if you interpret this as sexist or slightly misogynistic, hmmm….it looks like someone’s mouth needs some manmeatoh well. i’m the champ and you’re not. deal with it
everyone is always trying to hook her up with someone
when you mom, your co-workers, your ex-boyfriend, your neighbors, your girls, the people you know at church, the crazy mocha weekend barista, your nephews barber, and the family of that guy you hit with your car in 1998 are all always trying to “hook you up” with people they know, it has nothing to do with their altruism or their compassion or their loathe to see a “decent woman” by herself, and everything to do with the fact that your air of “coituslessness” is emitting from your body, infecting everyone and everything within a 20 foot radius, and they’re tired of it and ready for a change.
also, when this occurs, they’re usually three steps away from murdering you. its that serious
during “outings” with her girls, she keeps tabs on who does or doesn’t show up
i wasn’t aware that some women actually did this until a few years ago, when one of my exes informed me that she needed to go to this morning miniature golf outing her girls were having (she had some weird ass girls, btw), because she had missed the last one.
apparently, if she missed two in a row, one of the organizers of this outing would probably send her a snarky email/text “questioning her focus as a friend”
***btw, this “organizer” was also nicknamed “t-mac” because of her terry mcmillan stan-dom and her odd resemblance to tracy mcgrady.***
when i asked a couple women i knew about this phenomenon, they each remarked that this is common. at least one member of their circle of friends keeps mental event attendance tabs. this person is also usually the one who’s gone the longest without someone “poppin her pepsi can”
she’s a militant black woman who has recently (within five years) graduated from college.
if i were a mathematician, in this space i would have placed the results of an inferential statistical study detailing the correlation between ultra-dogmatic militantism and lack of non-solo induced orgasms. since i’m not a mathematician, i’ll just say that, without fail, EVERY ultra militant recent college grad i’ve ever known (and i’ve known dozens) changed her tune considerably after she got some consistent gotdamn. every. 100 percent.
i guess its tough to memorize and recite jessica care moore with a wang in your mouth.
people of vsb.com, its your patriotic duty to make sure that the sexless women in your life get some sex, that the wang-less get some wang, that the healthy backed get them broke before the end of the calender year. the world is counting on you. don’t let your people or your champ down.