Not lazy in a way that has had an effect (well, a serious effect) on my professional or personal life. In fact, considering what I do for a living, some may even consider me industrious and ambitious. (ha!) I’m also pretty punctual, and I’m annoyed by people who are not. (After you read the next few paragraphs, this paragraph is going to seem like a paradox. It’s not. But it will seem like it.)
My laziness is more intentional. It manifests when I just don’t believe that certain tasks need done in a timely and/or thorough manner. Basically, if you need me to help you move into a new place tomorrow morning, I’m there. But, if you need me to help you move a couch from your living room to your dining room, well, I’ll get there when I get there.
Since the majority of my male friends also share some variant of this trait, this laziness has never been an issue for them. If asked, they’d probably (well, maybe) even say that it’s proof of my character.
Unsurprisingly, this has been an issue with every woman I’ve ever seriously dated.
My girlfriend and I have a tacit agreement where she buys, prepares, cooks, and serves all of the food. My tasks? Take out the garbage and take care of the dishes. (I know this is a pretty good deal. My barber once told me that the key to happiness is to find pretty good deals and keep them. This is why he’s still my barber despite the fact that I hate the way he cuts my hair.)
Because I hate the way garbage smells, I have no problem with the first one.
The dishes, though? I try to make sure the dishes are done before I go to bed. Sometimes, I try harder than others. Sometimes I don’t try at all. I know I’ll get them done. Eventually. But, there just isn’t much difference between a dish done at 10:30 pm and a dish done at 10:30 am the next morning.
Actually, let me rephrase that. There isn’t much difference in my mind between a dish done at 10:30 pm and a dish done at 10:30 am the next morning. In my girlfriend’s mind, however, this is an insult. A discourtesy. A war crime. An act against God. A fart in mother nature’s mouth. She is to “dishes in the morning” what Kanye West is to “leather jogging pants.” (Don’t ask.)
Naturally, she’ll occasionally make her annoyance known. And—and I don’t know why I do this, so don’t bother asking—this makes me even more apathetic. But, while the apathy was true before—I’d honestly just forget about them—it somehow becomes intentional. I do the dishes, but I’ll do them so, um, unthoroughly that, well, it eventually leads to yellow post-it notes behind our kitchen sink.
This thoughtful nag was captured by my cousin when she came to our apartment last week. She thought it was cute, and decided to post it to her Instagram account. I think it’s a cute reminder of why my girlfriend—who I love dearly—is kinda, sorta, f*cking crazy.
But, as much as it pains me to admit this, the nag is a direct result of my selective laziness. Which I do not intend to change. Which, if true, also kinda, sorta means the nagging must not bother me that much.
I’ll never actually admit that to her, though. Can’t give her the satisfaction. And, even if I wanted to, I just don’t feel like doing it. My laziness has integrity.
—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)