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The Anatomy of a Culture Vulture

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Once upon a time, a leather catsuit-clad Chilli affirmed that a scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly. In other news, he might also be known as busta. But since Chilli is preoccupied with exhuming her career from the grave, I’ll take it upon myself to behold the pale stable of horses that have desecrated our precious conventions, disavowed our spice racks, and dishonored our traditions.  Ladies and gentlemen, the “niggas” you love to hate: culture vultures.

But in order to properly fumigate these melanin groupies, it’s important to identify the behaviors and attributes of our mortal enemy. So without further ado, I present… The Anatomy of a Culture Vulture.

Why yes. Those are feet on your furniture.

It’s safe to assume that anyone who gets too comfortable too soon doesn’t have your best interest at heart. Which is always the case with these cultural grand larcenists. In the absence of proper decorum, as soon as you invite them over for a plate of neck bones, their feet will magically appear on your end tables. Because exploitive. Because entitled. Because parasitic.

Unfortunately, this voracious appetite for entitlement extends far beyond couches and ottomans. As one of their favorite methods of flexing their bootlegged insta-Blackness is cozying up to the word “nigga”.

A perfect example of this is when ambiguously employed, habitual line-stepper Yes Julz got her soul snatched out her chest by chicken-fried scribe Monique Judge of The Root. Because if Wu-Tang Clan ain’t nothing to fuck with, you really want no parts of a Black woman. In a brief synopsis that can only be preceded by “what had happened was”, The Corpse Formerly Known as Yes Julz asked her legion of Twitter disciples if it was cool for her to rock a “Niggas lie a lot” t-shirt. To which Monique tapped into the essence of our ancestors before supplying her with at least 47 different ways to get the entire fuck.

Other examples include genetic mutation Kylie Jenner’s Snapchat handle and Bill Maher’s foray into uncharted chocolate waters. Chairs get thrown, asses get whooped.

Nice to meet you. I’m your friendly neighborhood liaison.

As if the 35-year-old friends who bully you into listening to their mixtapes aren’t bad enough, culture vultures take tremendous pride in serving as a gateway between alternative universes. Which, to the dismay of many, almost always includes an exorbitant fee. These Robin Hood ass looters literally steal from our cultural riches in order to peddle our wares to the seasoning-starved poor. Because appropriating marginalized communities is convenient and delicious, but not quite what you paid for. Kinda like diet soda.

Which brings us back to inflatable-faced Kylie Jenner. Who awakened the wrath of Black Twitter when she blatantly Desiignered her new clothing line from Black-owned beauty boutique PluggedNYC.

unplugged

Thankfully, PluggedNYC Creative Director Tizita Balemlay posted the receipts and pulled the pin out of Kylie’s grenade, but what about more sophisticated grievances that are a little more nebulous? Like gentrifying predominantly Black neighborhoods, then exploiting their newfound neighbors for dashiki money? A scenario Damon previously explored in-depth.

But the bottom line is that if history has taught us anything, it’s that exploitation is America’s #1 natural resource. So the behavior of these culture vultures circling overhead, who we inexplicably keep inviting to the cookout, should come as no surprise. After all, it is the American way.

And then commitment issues come into play.

Culture vultures take fuck and flee to another level. Ain’t no cuddling, ain’t no pillow talk to be had, and ROFLMAO @ them spending the night. But guess who’s left to sleep in the wet spot?

Culture vultures are world-renowned for their aversion to reciprocity. When Diddy told us “take that, take that” he wasn’t talking about Black Rob’s publishing. It was a forewarning that culture vultures would transform into both a rallying cry and instruction manual. You think all these trends created themselves?  And in what reality are “boxer braids” the precursor to cornrows?  

But in true cat burglar form, they pop the safe, snatch what’s inside, and bone the fuck out. And with no investment or attachment to the harvest, or the community who nurtured it, what incentive do they have to protect the farm? Which is why, as grateful as we were for her exodus, nobody was surprised when Hannah Montana abandoned her chart-topping, cultural tour guides and resumed her default setting. It’s also exactly why we’re side-eyeing Katy Perry. Whose playful flirtations with our culture eventually hit puberty and turned into shoving her unwanted hands down our pants.

BREAKING NEWS: All cookout invites are suspended indefinitely. #SpawnOfDolezol #BadAndNoBooty

A post shared by The Extraordinary Negroes (@theextranegroes) on

So About That Security Breach

Let’s keep it a buck. These tourists don’t plunge into the Negro Safari themselves. Nobody hops a fence, crashes the cookout, or climbs into our culture from a back window. They ring the door bell and grab a plate like everybody else. So if we’re gonna condemn offending parties to the firing squad, let’s make sure we have plenty of bullets left to neutralize their chaperones.

Though the argument could be made that Snoop ushered in this turnstile of melanin marauders, the fact remains that there’s no Bill Mahers without kick-stepping Christopher “Kid” Reids, no Mileys without Mike Will Made Its, and no Kardashian Clan without a neighboring Black penis spitting a hot-sixteen.

So instead of passing out cookout invites and keys to the culture like Netflix passwords, we need to pump the brakes and be wary of who we chose to embrace. I mean, shit. Eminem can’t be the only honor roll student, right? Because try as they may to camouflage themselves in our fashion and slang, they can only get as far as we allow them to.

So Bieber, your ass on notice too.

Jay Connor

After a stint in the military and an extended crusade shepherding all of God’s children as a social worker, Jay Connor conceded to fate and relocated to Los Angeles in 2014 in order to chase the dream. Where he somehow pays his expensive ass rent as both a writer in the entertainment industry (Black Card Revoked, AMC Network, etc.) and as the founder/co-host of the popular “The Extraordinary Negroes” podcast (which you should subscribe to post haste). For more on Jay and his quest for world domination, hit up www.theextraordinarynegroes.com.

  • Kat

    Said this last week…why do we stay inviting folks over (in). Where are the articles about black folks coming to the BBQ? They don’t exist because they DGAFAU.

    Appropriation happens all day end day, it’s what America was built on..that and our ancestors backs.

    • Like I said before, you don’t really wanna come, at least for the food. I’m just saying. :)

      • Kat

        True but we not even getting invited.

    • PriceIsRightHorns

      We should have stopped inviting folks after Teena Marie passed on.

      • Wow..
        I got caught up in a YouTube rabbit hole earlier, trynna find this song that she recorded with her daughter.

        • PriceIsRightHorns

          I love Lady Tee. I’m just annoyed that we can’t have sh*t without Muffy, Buffy, Sue and Skip trying to take over.

          • Found it.
            “Resilient”
            Teena Marie/ daughter, Alia Rose kicks in around the 1:00 mark.

            https://youtu.be/LUe1_3rHP9o

            • PriceIsRightHorns

              This is sweet. I didn’t know her daughter is a singer.

              • I first heard them sing it at a block party years ago

                • PriceIsRightHorns

                  I wish I could have seen her perform live. “Portuguese Love” is one of my favorites by her.

                  • Mary Burrell

                    She kills it on that one,she was amazing.

                    • PriceIsRightHorns

                      I agree. It’s a a beautiful song.

                  • Charlito Brown

                    Seen her perform live twice. Both times in Philly. And Philly LOVED Lady T.

                    • PriceIsRightHorns

                      Awww I’m jealous. I’ve heard that she put on a good show.

          • AzucarNegra

            Muffy, Buffy.. you were watching White Chcks lol

            • PriceIsRightHorns

              *cackling*

      • Mary Burrell

        She was amazing and one of a kind. Robin Thicke tried to be that one but we were not buying what he was selling. At least some of us weren’t.

        • PriceIsRightHorns

          Yeah, she definitely was. I was always meh on Robin. I like a song or two but that’s about it.

          • Mary Burrell

            I actually liked him but after that Miley Cyrus fiasco I was done.

            • PriceIsRightHorns

              He was wack for that and for not crediting Marvin Gaye for “Blurred Lines.”

              • Mary Burrell

                Agreed

              • Cheech

                And for blaming Pharrell.

                (“I was too drunk the whole time to steal from Marvin. It must have been my partner over there.”)

                • PriceIsRightHorns

                  Word. He can have stadium seats for that.

                  • Cheech

                    Him and JT. “Wardrobe malfunction” my azz.

                    • PriceIsRightHorns

                      He can go hug a pet monkey and call it a day.

        • orchid921

          I’m just gonna pretend greasy long-haired bike messenger Thicke is the only one that exists. ;)

      • Kat

        Before her.

        I see what you did here..

    • Brown Rose

      This is very true. White people barely think about Black people at all. They hardly write think pieces about us or want any kind of relation or acceptance about us. Yet there is a whole industry on IR books and websites.

  • Cosmic_

    “Exploitation: America’s #1 natural resource”
    This should be on a t-shirt!

  • QRaven

    No Bill Maher without Christopher Reid?
    What have I missed?

    • I’m wondering the same thing.

    • BrothasKeeper

      Kid produced that short-a$$ theme song for Real Time.

      • Brother Mouzone

        Kid is his ” Black friend” lol

  • As a friend and confidant of many a niqqa, I assure that as long as white girls are giving up that flat booty, this will continue to persist.

    • It doesn’t have to flat you know, but point taken. LOL

    • LOLOLOL not the flat booty

    • “Now I know exactly what happened to Kobe. Kobe caught that white fever. White fever get in your blood, man, it’ll make you crazy. And you know they got them short little skirts nowadays and that uhh… What they call them, the the the tongs?”
      -Uncle Ruckus

    • Mochasister

      But flat booty is so ugly. Why would you like that over a nice, round behind?

      • You really want to have this debate, sis? It tends to get people in their feels.

        • Mochasister

          Nah, pretty much just a rhetorical question.

    • Charlito Brown

      Don’t forget about them “new phenomenons”.

  • JulianWithTheRedCorvette

    Meh. It’s annoying, but we can’t put up a fence and keep ALL the undesirables out. A couple are bound to get through.

    • This has been the debate since rise of the Nation of Islam.

      • JulianWithTheRedCorvette

        I recently read a book- The Savage City by T.J. English – that had portions that focused on Dhoruba bin Wahad and the NY Black Panthers/NOI.

        It left me more confused than I already was on how, exactly, Black separatism was supposed to work.

        • A lot of Black separatism was influenced by the White ethnic politics of the North. The same way those communities had their institutions, businesses, leaders and enclaves, Black people were working to get those set up. It makes sense when you use that perspective.

  • Ess da 5’6″

    “So if we’re gonna condemn offending parties to the firing squad, let’s make sure we have plenty of bullets left to neutralize their chaperones.”

    Bringing us back to the age-old question: Whose man’s is this?! Because Whose was wylin’, apparently.

    • Val

      Nice avi, Ess.

      • Ess da 5’6″

        Thank you, Val!

  • PriceIsRightHorns

    What in the rhythmless nation h3ll is Katy Perry doing?

    • Emily Harris

      I just saw that for the first time, too and I feel like I need counseling. I haven’t been that confused about something in a while. She made Mary look like dancer of the year and I’m mad at everybody.

      • PriceIsRightHorns

        LMAO @ counseling. That performance was a hot rotisserie mess.

        • Mary Burrell

          Are you talking about the one on SNL?

          • PriceIsRightHorns

            I’m not sure where they performed, but there’s a tweet embedded in this post where’s she’s on stage with Migos.

            • Mary Burrell

              She’s been all over the place spreading her mediocrity

    • Mr. Mooggyy
      • PriceIsRightHorns

        It’s a bad scene all-around.

    • Darkchloe144
      • PriceIsRightHorns

        LOL. That was painful to watch.

        • Darkchloe144

          I just fell out my chair, gotdayum.

    • NonyaB?

      Holy cardboard spasms. When I started watching, I really thought it had to be an SNL skit because it was so bad.

      • PriceIsRightHorns

        *cackling*

      • Mary Burrell

        That SNL mess with that boy with the backpack and everybody was going crazy on You Tube. Like it was the second coming.

        • NonyaB?

          Which skit is that?

          • Mary Burrell

            She was doing that stupid Swish Swish song.

            • NonyaB?

              Gotcha, will look it up later.

      • Mary Burrell

        Hollering@ “Holy cardboard spasms”

    • Mary Burrell

      I have been asking the same thing saw an interview with her on one of those entertainment shows I think she is going to do a Britney Spears meltdown. She didn’t seem well at all.

      • PriceIsRightHorns

        Oh ok. She may need to some time off to relax.

  • I’m trying to say, everywhere you see a culture vulture they are surrounded by these #LowVibrationHavinAssNiggas who are telling them all the trade secrets AND signing off on the culture vulture’s F— S—.

    • NonyaB?

      “#LowVibrationHavinAssNiggas”

      Estoy muerto!

      • Mochasister

        Muerta. Eres mujer por eso hay que usar una a.

        • NonyaB?

          Aha, Gracias! I thought so and actually wrote “muerta” to start but got confused with the “estoy” and checked Google translate, which led me astray.

          • Mochasister

            Google translate is the debbil!

    • Brown Rose

      This is true. A lot of Black grifters been giving it away, virtually for free for a long time.

    • Michelle

      This is how I feel whenever I hear about the latest “fashion trend”.

    • Mary Burrell

      I wholeheartedy agree with this.

  • cyanic

    Our inherent desire for peace from the oppressors allows us to repeat this mistake of letting them in.

    • Val

      Sadly this is true.

    • Quirlygirly

      I agree. But should we not seek peace with the oppressor? or is it that in order for there to be peace the oppressor has to first seek it with us?

      • Val

        Fight fire with fire?

      • cyanic

        I don’t trust them. Only radicalized whites are worthy of negotiation. And even then they’re far from perfect.

      • Brother Mouzone

        Peace should only be sought on OUR terms. You don’t force a person to assimilate to YOUR ways just to be civil and peaceful to That person.

    • Mary Burrell

      There was only one John Brown and I am still trying to decide if he was just a mad man or was he truly down for black people so much that he was willing to die for them.

      • Brother Mouzone

        My guess is he was a victim of the ONE DROP RULE but the drop wasn’t “skrong” enough and he was able to pass on the low….A.K.A, the Mouzone theory.

    • Brown Rose

      *nods head*…

  • blueevey

    And this is why my friend isnt sharing at the bomb as taco spot by his house.

    F the yt ppl that came in last night trying to dance to the background music in patterned socks and sandals. Ain’t no one getting away with that

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