The 2015 List of People We Don’t Mess With Any More » VSB

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The 2015 List of People We Don’t Mess With Any More

Notwithstanding the fact that two very smart brothas (Damon Young and Patrice O’Neal) have instructed me to never trust a Black man without facial hair — we (Black people) collectively stopped messing with Taye for a very different reason. Taye made headlines and our shit list when he said he doesn’t want his biracial son to be referred to as “Black.” I’m always bewildered when stars feel like they need to trumpet their half-cocked opinions to the masses like anyone is checking for real talk from Taye Diggs. Personally, I was tired of hearing all of my homeboys constantly wonder when the dude who was friends with Brown Sugar-era Sanaa Lathan—but never tried to hit — would finally release his philosophies on race and ethnicity. I can logically believe that a man with a white wife isn’t necessarily filled with self-hate, but when that man effectively says, “I don’t want my son to be viewed in the same way the world views me, and my father and his father…” I think someone should step in and say, “You know they’re recording this, right? People can hear you.” We heard you loud and clear, Taye. That’s why we stopped messing with you.

Anyway, thinking about the Diggs made me think about who else would be on this list. Who else did the Congregation of Negros Collective decide to boot off the island this year?

Meek Mills He got bodied by a singing nigga. That’s it. That’s the reason. I know it’s shallow and petty, but if you get beat down by anyone, and that person’s next move is to release a video doing the white-boy shuffle in an empty room wearing a cardigan and Dockers, we can’t fuck with you anymore. I’m gonna reveal a secret to you all: Drake’s beatdown of Meek sent the dark-skinned brother community into a tailspin. First, Steph Curry wins the NBA MVP, then this. One minute Meek was the hottest, hardest rapper, on the biggest tour in hip hop (or his girl’s tour), and then, poof he fucked it all up. On Twitter! It’s almost like his homey Will Smith waved that light pen from “Men in Black” in front of our eyes and Meek was erased from our memories and Nikki Minaj’s vagina history. Meek, you’re from Philly, dog. You’ve dropped below Will Smith on the totem pole of hard-ass Philly niggas to somewhere between Charli Baltimore and Lee Daniels. Speaking of Philly…

Bill Cosby This was a hard year for Pill Bill. When decades-old allegations of rape resurfaced, it seemed like Black people were going to ride with Bill for a minute. Those of us not offended by his “pull up your pants” rants were going to stick up for the man who laced our childhood with memories of Mushmouth and fine-ass Lisa Bonet and pudding pops (niggas wasn’t fucking with pudding before our Uncle Bill made it cool). The Black narrative was, “They” were trying to set him up, because he was going to buy NBC, or start the first Black-owned network with Oprah, or resurrect the corpse of Michael Jackson and Sojourner Truth or some other unbelievable shit. We thought it was just another conspiracy until allegations started coming out of the woodwork like roaches when you turn out the lights at Wiz Khalifa’s house (I don’t care how clean he is, or where he lives, Wiz just looks like he has roaches at the crib). After Jill Scott took back her Twitter rant, the only people left standing in Bill’s corner were Camille, Theo and Rudy (I know, but to Black America those are their real names). Even Vanessa abandoned ship, although it’s still just a case of He said/She said. She said. She said. She said. She said. She said. She said. She said. (Add 42 more)

Donald Trump This list is not just limited to Black people. We used to love Donald Trump, because, like many people we fuck with, The Donald likes gaudy gold shit, owns a lot of flashy cars while living in an apartment, and he loves to brag about how he’s getting money and bad bitches. Now that I think about it — Trump might be a gangster rapper.  Anyway, Donald Trump ran for President and went full Pat Buchanan on us. The truth is, Black people are used to finding out their white friend is secretly racist, but Trump went from walling out and rounding up Mexicans to registering Muslims to okaying the beating of a Black Lives Matter protester. Say what you will about the Orange Fuhrer’s lack of a plan for immigration reform, but his racism is comprehensive as hell. We just can’t fuck with him anymore.

Future If you tied me up, held a rusty knife to my penis and told me you’d cut it off unless I named a Future song, I couldn’t do it. I don’t even know if Future is a rapper or a singer. The only thing I know about Future is that it’s widely agreed that he’s a fuckboy. I can’t say what I would do if I had to listen to Ciara sing every day, so I have a place of sympathy for Future, but having Twitter fights and throwing baby mama shade in the press seems very bitch-nigga-ish to me. Plus, you have to have impeccable fuckboy credentials for a woman to leave you for a man who’s giving her no D.  But, you know, they say it’s not the size of the boat…

Thats what I’d have to keep telling myself after my kidnappers found out I didn’t know any Future songs.

Stephen A Smith We liked Serial-Sayer-of-Stupid-Shit Stephen A. Smith (that’s his official title) before he started building his collection of I’m-smarter-than-you-stupid-niggas idiotic quotes and hyperbolic synonyms. Stephen is one of those people who thinks that intelligence is determined by the number of syllables he can cram into a sentence. First it was his statement that some women get their asses beat because they provoke men. Then it was his Cosby-esque defense of Martin O’Malley and “All Lives Matter” by pointing the finger at Black people. He finally hit an all time low when Kevin Durant called him out for blatantly lying, and Smith’s only defense was to threaten Durant on live TV. Black people took that offense like when a bully picks on the quiet kid in class: Why is he picking on KD? You know Kevin don’t bother nobody, so Black people don’t fuck with Stephen A. Smith.

Raven Symone – Raven’s ghetto pass was actually revoked in 2014 when she told Oprah that she wasn’t Black or African American, but we kinda let her slide because she was Olivia on the Cosby show, she hung with Mr. Cooper and she was so Raven. We gave her the “Great Value” brand version of the benefit of the doubt we gave Cosby for forming so many of our childhood memories, but she couldn’t stop herself. We had our collective side-eye watching and waiting for her to — in the words of her very own father — say “some dumb shit” and she didn’t disappoint. After saying she would discriminate against someone who had a “Black name” and then defending the news anchor who said Michelle Obama looked like an ape, we crossed her off the list of friends who can come to the cookout, and the list of people we fuck with.

Ben Carson – Remember when Cuba Gooding, Jr. —  another dude we sorta don’t fuck with – played Ben Carson in Gifted Hands  and Carson became Black History trivia? We liked the soft-spoken medical genius then, but we didn’t know Ben was a right-wing conservative who went around trying to stab people in the dick while concocting theories about the pyramids being built by historical Jews as self-rising flour. Ben’s litany of falsehoods have been well-catalogued, but after Ben tried to convince us that free health care is worse than slavery and that he saved white people during the 1968 race riots, we left Ben alone. Personally, I cut him off after he threatened my penis when I didn’t know any Future songs. Thank God I was wearing that belt.

Michael Harriot

Michael Harriot is a podcaster, spoken word poet, editor of the daily digital magazine NegusWhoRead.com and one of the greatest peanut butter and jelly sandwich makers of our time.

  • she

    wait who messed with Ben Carson in the first place…?

    • miss t-lee

      A good amount of folks prior to his presidential run…lol

    • bearbear

      back in the day when he was the first surgeon to separate those twins whose brains were conjoined I messed with him. He wasn’t just the first black surgeon to do this but the first in general. Several years later, yeah he’s on this list…and belongs there.

      • she

        dang I guess I am lucky then because I didn’t have to be let down anything he said, I just always viewed him as a political puppet.

    • panamajackson

      I def used to mess with Mr. Carson when all I knew was that he had gifted hands.

    • Pinks

      I did. When I sawthe Ben Carson movie on Lifetime lol

  • LOL Future is a certified #Fuckboy or… #FuckNigga…if you will. I mean…come on!

    • 2011k

      He is. And he’s so unrepentant in it too. Red flags everywhere, but I do like his music, lol

    • QuirlyGirly

      Yes he truely is but as a whole- I think we still mess with him. We just accept his ways

      • LOL I would like to be removed from that “we” I do not support.

    • Janelle Doe

      I keep forgetting he is a singer/rapper. The only thing I can say I know about Future is he inspired a quote of the week about where babies come from some time this year and has an interesting other name.

    • Brass Tacks

      He’s not aspiring to be a role model. He makes dope Actavis and Mango Fanta influenced music.

      No matter. Future has a forgiving soul, and loves his wayward members regardless of such sacrilegious rhetoric.

      #PraiseFreeBandz

      • LadyIbaka

        Is Future your brother?????

  • heyheyno

    I agree with them all. It’s probably some more that need to go here I’ll come back later after I’ve done some thinking.

    • Val

      Pharrell Williams? I think he took the New Black route earlier this year.

      • uNk

        and he is such a n*gga too, regardless off his interests.

  • DNA

    I wanna know what’s the consensus on post Chi-raq Spike Lee? Is he still on the team or nah?

    • Val

      Spike has accrued lots of Black credits because of the entirety of his body of work. So it’s going to take a lot more than one film for him to make the list.

      • Question

        Think of Chiraq like Michael Jackson’s Blood On the Dance Floor.

        “Blood on the dance floor??”.

        Exactly.

        • We should have listened closer to Blood on the Dance Floor though. Dude straight told us he was a pill popper on the record, and we ain’t hear him though.

    • Spike has “Drunk Uncle” status. He ain’t going nowhere.

      • Furious Styles

        Likewise with R. Kelly…Black America’s “Creepy Uncle”…

        • Question

          No.

  • if Black people would add R. Kelly to this list, I’d call it a productive year.

    • ??Jessica??

      Why we still hesitate to do so is beyond me.

      • Wild Cougar

        We’d have to add James Brown, Marvin Gaye, among many others, but amnesia is a real thing. Oh. and Jay Z

  • Donald Trump in 2015? I thought he got publicly voted off the island back in 2011 when he took the ball and ran with the birtherism stuff regarding President Obama?

  • Courtney Wheeler

    I mean did we ever REALLY mess with Ben Carson…or Donald Trump?

    • I’ll be the bad guy and admit as long as Stacey don’t start poppin off she could still get it.

      • Stacie Ford-Bonnelle

        Dude

    • Question

      We returned Stacy Dash in 2012.

    • Epsilonicus

      Ben Carson was that ninja back in the day. Especially in the mid-Atlantic region. Yo had a play made of his life and everything. Everybody in my his wanted to be a dr because of Carson

      • Cori Hoston

        Like a genuine hood play like ” Ben Carson; his arms ain’t too short to cut yo brain!” Play?… That real stuff there

  • Tiff Tiff

    What about R Kelly?

    • QuirlyGirly

      The problem with R. Kelly is that he is still selling records and he was just on an award show – so unfortunately the black delgation still messes with him- Not all of black delgation but a few do.

      • fxd8424

        A whole bunch of the black delegation still mess with R. Kelly. His shows are always sold out.

  • Scarlet

    I am surprised people ever used to ride with Trump in the first place. Like really? The man openly despises black people and has for decades. Nobody remembers the housing discrimination cases leveled against him based on his racist housing practices that he’s lost over the years? repeated violations of the Fair Housing Act? The man is known for being a bigoted POS it’s incredible to me why or how any black person could ever idealize or idolize him, he is the definition of racist white privilege. Take a minute and google how much his real estate company was sued by the federal government. And can we not forget the birther nonsense he touted all during Obama’s race? Did I miss something here because that man is and has always been a racist POS, please let’s not act like he suddenly became racist this year, smh.

    • Dcetstyle

      Exactly! Trump has been the worst since forever. He never got a pass from me.

      • she

        Right like all those black pastors that met with Trump, I was like if yall don’t get your reverends (and your tithes back)!
        https://www.facebook.com/rolandsmartinfanpage/videos/10153333437057831/?pnref=story

        • Man, when I watched this, I could see the frustration emanating from Roland Martin’s ascot. The pastor was dumb as h e l l. He literally could not articulate anything of substance that resulted from that meeting.

          • she

            well remember the pastor said that Trump made promises “with his spirit…” so you know we should just all have faith in that…. -___-

            • Girl. When he said that, my eyes rolled across the floor. I had to run to catch them.

        • Jenn Sears

          Dude on the right with the fresh cut has the most severe eyebrow game I’ve seen n years. It’s fascinating how he can hold that expression for so long lol

        • jen_vasm

          Somebody needs to come get that man. That interview was terrible, from the 5,000 utterances of ‘Uh, no we didn’t talk about that’ to the cellphone vibrating into the computer speakers. But mostly he should be ashamed as swallowing Dump’s view that Blacks should just creat their own wealth, businesses, better life themselves, absent the help that White people have historically and currently received.

    • kneelbeforetigers

      TALK! SPEAK! PREACH IT!

    • Oluseyi

      Also? Full-page ad in the Times demanding the death penalty for the Central Park Five. Trump ain’t never been down with us.

    • All of this. I admit not following Trump beyond his Apprentice stuff, but even with that I remember there was outrage when he asked the first Black winner of the show to share his win with the white woman who was runner up. Like, the first Black winner and you want to Abby up the position?

      • Janelle Doe

        I saw his true colours when Kwame lost to *whatever his name was. Only shows I ever watched was that season with Kwame and Omarosa

        • I got down with it when Arsenio was on. And when I saw he wasnt takin no ish…I lmew from the first episode Arsenio was gonna win.

      • Oluseyi

        I ain’t even watch Apprentice, because I can’t get past his orange bird’s nest and I think competition reality shows are rigged and I’m petty sometimes and I don’t curr.

        • Haha! And and and! I really only watched the first season, but I heard about the other season I mentioned above when it happened.

          As far as competition reality shows, I used to be big on Survivor, but it’s been a minute since I watched. I know that there will never be a Black winner ever again (the last was almost 10 years ago), so I figure what’s the point?

          • Oluseyi

            My kind of “reality show” is stuff like ABC’s Wipeout, or American Ninja Warrior. And even then, I’m no t enough of a fan of tv to watch on a regular basis.

          • DLB

            You’re right about Trump trying to get Dr. Randal Pinkett to share his win with a white chick.

      • Gibbous

        Ohh, new verb. To Abby!

    • DebKII

      Wanna-be-fancy black people fucked with him. I have several in my family. One had her wedding at Trump vineyards in 2013 another planned her bday dinner at Trump towers in 2014.

      • Jasmine

        LORD. educate them smh.

        • DebKII

          Haha you know id rather sit back and be entertained. #taurusinthecut

    • CozyVon

      AllaTHIS^^^…that’s exactly what I’M saying. We used to “love Donald Trump” tho? Sorry, that memo must’ve went into my SPAM folder without me seeing it. Or maybe after all of the above, I set my inbox to automatically spam anything that had to do with us giving scant fractions of fucks about DT.

  • LongtimeLurker

    If Drake wins a Grammy, it should come with Ja Rule getting his career back. 50 didn’t bury him THAT bad compared this possibility. I hope he wins though, that’ll be the best example ever of killing an ant with a sledgehammer.. at a picnic you weren’t even invited to no less, LOL

    • Ja Rule is quietly plotting a comeback, ya know.

      • LongtimeLurker

        I didn’t, guess the comeback is really quiet…

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