Theory & Essay

The $12.95 Question: How The Hell Do Women Use So Much Damn Toilet Paper???

3-7-08-toilet-paper

I am not an expert on toilet paper use or usage. I doubt anyone is, actually. I don’t think there’s much of a demand for “toilet paper use/usage” experts, and, since there’s no demand, I can’t imagine anyone spending enough time studying toilet paper use and usage to become expert at. But, just in case these people do exist, I just want to make it clear that I’m not one of them. Toilet paper use/usage expertise poseur, I am not.

Anyway, since I am no expert, I’m not sure of what constitutes an “acceptable” amount of toilet paper use. I know how much I tend to use and how often I tend to buy toilet paper, and, assuming I don’t do an abnormal amount of shitting, I’ve crafted my idea of what is normal around that knowledge. I could be wrong, but I’m probably not. I am sure, though, that every single woman I’ve ever been with somehow manages to go through toilet paper like there’s a bacon-wrapped rainbow at the end of each roll.

Originally, I thought this might have just been a coincidence. Maybe I just happened to find and date the small percentage of women who go through rolls so quickly it seems like they’re just eating it. Maybe I was buying cheap paper. Maybe I just happened to like chicks who shit a lot. Stumped and saddened, I began asking friends if they noticed the same pattern, hoping that I wasn’t the weird one, the one who somehow ended up dating a perpetual stream of toilet paper Krakens.

I was happy to learn that I’m not alone, that there were other men suffering in silence, fatigued after having to make midnight toilet paper runs to 7-11 even though they’d just purchased eight rolls the weekend before, shamed by the fact that, when in relationships, their bank statements look like the “what wrong with this picture?” page in Highlights Magazine as they’ve had to budget for car payments, rent, student loans, food, and toilet paper, and embarrassed that they had no f*cking clue how or why this happens.

This realization came some time ago. Now, a few years and a couple women later, aside from a couple theories (My favorite? Since women’s asses tend to be bigger than men’s asses, maybe it just takes more toilet paper to do a thorough wipe. If it seems like I’m reaching pretty far, good. Mission accomplished. And pun intended.) I’m still stumped, and I still have no idea how the hell this happens. I’ve thought about hiding in the shower the next time The Gay Reindeer takes a shit to see first-hand what happens in there, but, um, yeah, no. As much as I want to figure this out, I want to keep the hairs in my nostrils from burning off even more.

So, once and for all, can someone please tell me how the hell do women use so much damn toilet paper? What the hell are they doing in the bathroom that requires them to use 14 sheets per second? Are they eating it? Hoarding it? Making paper mache effigies of hated co-workers and Keyshia Cole? Is it about some subconscious sexual thing with plumbers?Please, for the love of God, someone let me know.

—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)

 

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a contributing editor for EBONY.com. He resides in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes.

  • iamnotakata

    For starters we have to wipe our front and back side. Yall only have to worry about wiping down there when you poo. And perhaps womens high usage of toilet paper and mens reduced usage can be attributed to those skid marks yall have in your drawers from time to time lol.

    • http://www.standupandsayow.tumblr.com Nelly

      Word.

    • nillalatte

      lmao @ skid marks! *choking, laughing, dying*

    • Hawaii

      This comment pretty much sums it up.

      • http://rxfitnesslady.com Joi

        Exactly, what I would have said! Although, my Mother still claimed we were eating it!

    • Just Kia

      tears at skid marks lmmfao

    • Gypsy Curl

      Right!

      “Maybe I just happened to like chicks who shit a lot.”

      My first response was “We have to wipe when we pee AND poop.” Guys only wipe when they poop. They just jangle the pee from their things and put it back in. Woman can’t (some may but I feel more comfortable wiping) just jiggle and be good. And let’s not get started when Avon is calling (that’s what I say for period).

      Why do you not know this, CHAMP?

      • Gypsy Curl

        Give my response FREEEEEEE!

        Another question to men: Why do you shake after peeing? Why not take a square or two and dab the pee away?

        And some men don’t wash their hands afterwords. This is why I refuse to shake men’s hands.

        • Hope

          I always wondered why they don’t wipe, we want it clean too!!

        • http://mosidesign.com Buck!

          That makes absolutely no sense. So do you not shake hands with women, also? Because some women don’t wash their hands afterwords. Also, the vast majority of the penis is actually extremely clean because it’s not exposed to any elements and has nothing secreting from it. You don’t shake hands cause you think it makes you more of a lady. Womp Womp.

    • Hope

      I am just wondering how gay reindeer was a tag for this post… Meanwhile I second third fourth what iamnotakata said. Plus we want to make sure we’re clean, do you men not want women to be clean down there? When we buy TP my guy puts extra rolls in the Master Bath just for me because he knows I go through it!!

    • dmcmillian72

      Screaming in laughter…AT WORK! Thanks for that. But yes, I agree wholeheartedly with this comment. :)

      • dmcmillian72

        Also, when I had a Dude I would purchase bathroom tissue (I hate the phrase “toilet paper”) for his place. 1) Because I used more than he did and I only thought that was fair and 2) because, like most men, the kind of bathroom tissue he purchased wasn’t friendly to my lady parts.

        • Shaun Lee

          I had to do the same thing too lol. He was using stuff from the Dollar Tree. I was like, “Yo a$$ is tore up!” LOL

    • Ryan

      I can promise you, our skid marks, on average, happen less than the amount of times we sit down to “the fake roll.” THE FAKE ROLL IS PROOF….you leave 2 squares on the damn roll, just enough to cover up the cardboard center (is that where they hide the heroin???) INSTEAD OF CHANGING THE ROLL???? wtf is that? that happens more than skid marks. So there is your myth buster. keep fishing… besides you think we hit the target as much as the toilet is clean???we use a few squares to wipe the blowback from “piss-to-toilet-water” blowback so we dont have to hear it when we leave the seat down…. MAYBE THATS IT!! Apparently you say you can fall in if we leave the seat up (bullshit), maybe you just dry off with the TP.

  • Lola

    first of all, bacon wrapped rainbows is the best phrase i’ve ever heard! when it comes to the toilet paper, we have to use it twice as much as you because you use it for # 1 as well. and we are more concerned with being thorough because things are… open down there. plus we use tissue for other things like wiping off make up (sometimes)

  • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

    ‘Cuz we learned that skid marks are not cool. :-)

    • Charcoal Burnt Brother Lover

      *Hiya*!! :)

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

        Hiya, AM!

        :-)

    • msdebbs

      +2 milli

    • Rewind

      Hard to justify skid marks on some thongs anyway

      • Camilleblu

        They make thong panty liners….#invest

        • Rewind

          But what if it gets smudged?

          • Camilleblu

            Ummm…change it….

  • ItsJustMeLee

    I second Iamnotakata; We have two areas to wipe(even if we only do #1, we like to wipe BOTH each time!). Also, through out the day we use the restroom in public areas where the tissue paper is one ply, extremely rough, and breaks apart easily. So, we tend to get a bundle in the restroom to get a proper wipe. Then when we get home, it is hard to shake this habit. Thus, the over use in toilet paper! But There is a solution to buying every weekend..COSTCO! lol

    • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

      “where the tissue paper is one ply, extremely rough, and breaks apart easily. So, we tend to get a bundle…”

      Yep.

    • Todd

      Ah, One Ply. Every time I got in a public bathroom and see that, I feel for women. *smh*

      • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

        Yes. I think Ellen Degeneres has a notorious comedy routine about that. It’s so then, you can even pull enough off the roll, it just breaks! It’s takes 5 minutes to even get enough toilet paper to start handling business.

        • http://TheNewEve.com Bunni

          “it shouldnt even be called toilet paper…its just a one-ply suggestion of what toilet paper is…a sheer innuendo”

          I love Ellen….oh, and #Equality for all :-)

      • http://dominicanabanana.wordpress.com Asiyah

        Yeah. It’s rough!

    • Gypsy Curl

      “We have two areas to wipe(even if we only do #1, we like to wipe BOTH each time!).”

      When I poop, I always pee first. My poop is never alone so I always wipe both. B/c men stand to pee then sit to poop, they do both at different times.

      BTW, I think men should just sit for both. My question to men….Is it REALLY that necessary to stand when peeing? Just hold it down while your sitting.

      • Marshal

        You really just asked that? @_o

        • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

          right. you could write an entire thesis on why man should never sit while peeing unless medically required to do so.

        • GypsyCurl

          Hey! If Champ can write a whole post about why women use so much toilet paper and can only think of pooing as a reason for wiping and never so much as mentioned the fact that women wipe when they pee and poo, then I can ask why men don’t sit when they pee! #takethat #humph

          • Marshal

            Well, you can, but……… We Men just Stand when we Pee!!!

            That’s like asking why Women are more horny while on their period but Dislike having sex on their cycle- outside of People Not Liking the sight (or smell) of Menstual Blood

      • Ms. Bridget

        Lmao! Maybe they feel like they’re dominating the toilet. I imagine they’re thinking, “take that, take that”, as they shoot the poor toilet bowl. #iaintgotnosense

      • Kema

        I was just having this conversation! We all start out sitting. lol!

      • Rewind

        The simple answer?

        During times of war years ago, there was not much time for men to sit around comfortably. While back in the Roman days, they used to actually have public toilets for men to sit down in, if you were a solider, you had to do things on the move. So men would stand up to pee when outside cities because there was nowhere to squat. It eventually became the norm when they would return home.

        • Camilleblu

          Sounds like the slightly more complicated answer to me…..

        • I Guess Because I Am A LADY

          Makes sense. What of other civilizations outside of the Roman Empire. What of pre- Roman Empire? Romans were the first to pee standing up?

  • Charcoal Burnt Brother Lover

    How the hell do women use so much damn toilet paper?

    For starters we have two holes as opposed to one. The one in front requires extra attention during certain times of the month. You might want to check when you most run out of it, probably likely on the onset of the Adam induced tide.
    We are not eating it, we are just using it as it is supposed to be used. That’s all.

    • nillalatte

      Hummm… I count three, but what do I know? :/

      • Charcoal Burnt Brother Lover

        LOL!! :) You are very right. We usually lump those two in the front as one, when they are very independent honies and got they own money!

        • http://dominicanabanana.wordpress.com Asiyah

          ahahahahaha

      • I Guess Because I Am A LADY

        Three! Definitely three…

    • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP
      • Kema

        She must have pica

    • http://verysmartbrothas.com Panama Jackson

      Did you really just blame Adam?

      • Charcoal Burnt Brother Lover

        yap

  • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

    Off-topic: Has anyone seen a film called, “I’m Through With White Girls (The Inevitable Undoing of Jay Brooks)”? You Blerds will love it. It’s a Blerd film. I’m not a Blerd and I loved it. It was a very different kind of film than the ones usually made starring Black casts.

    • WayUPThere

      I actually did see that movie a few years back. I thought it would be trite and predictable, but it was surprisingly well-done and very likable. Good catch, Val.

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

        “I thought it would be trite and predictable,…”

        I know, right. I thought the same thing after seeing the title. It turned out to be a very unique little film. I wish films like it would get wider distribution and better marketing.

        If we could get one film like this for every Tyler Perry film then I probably wouldn’t resent/ hate Tyler Perry films so much.

        • Kema

          I like Tyler Perry better! And I’ve seen that movie.

          • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

            Noooooo, Kema!

            • Marshal

              Wait, you like the trainwreck reality shoes (REal Housewives of Anywhere, Love & Hip-Hop,B-Ball Wives, Bad Girls Club, basically anything on Bravo and E!) but you Hate Tyler Perry???? (not you specifically, Val, just Many of ya’ll Ladies in general)

              Rrriiiiiiigghtttt….

              • Marshal

                *shows

              • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

                Well, Marshal, like I said below, I have never seen RHOA or any of the other shows you mention. I don’t even have cable. And, I don’t have cable because I don’t want my money going to support those shows.

                But, those shows are so ubiquitous in society that I know all about them just from hearing and reading what others are saying about them.

                As for TP; I’ve never seen a TP film either, except for a bunch of clips I’ve seen on talk shows. From what I’ve seen TP films are the template for most of those reality shows.

              • Kema

                I like Tyler Perry when Madea is not involved. But I also like Love & Hip-Hop,B-Ball Wives, Bad Girls Club.

                • Marshal

                  I’m sure the Bad Girls Clubs and RHO Anywhere, as well as the Original Reality show- the Real World- existed WAY before Tyler Perry decided to make his stage plays into movies

                  • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

                    Are you sure about that? I think only Real World and that other MTV show Road Rules preceded Madea.

                    • Marshal

                      You still had Flavor Flav, Fear Factor, Survivor, Big Brother and others before Tyler Perry too though

    • MrsBagnet

      I second that movie recommendation. It’s one of my new favorite films.

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

        Mine too.

    • Latonya

      This is a very off topic: Val do you watch RHOATL? Girl did you know that Kordell file for divorce from Porsha ! They only been married for three years?

      • msdebbs

        That’s because Kordell is gay. Porsha claims she didn’t see it coming but whats funny is that everybody else did.

        • Latonya

          Who saw it coming? That was b!tch move! Sad their wedding was pretty http://youtu.be/PsK5blznKVA

          • msdebbs

            Girl he had my gaydar ringing off the hook his first scene. But seriously they didn’t look like they were in love. No affection and he barely looks at her. Picture perfect life my arse…nobody’s life is or marriage is perfect.

        • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

          I keep hearing people say he’s gay but, exactly how would anyone know that? I’ve never seen the show so, I’m confused about so many people thinking he’s gay.

          • Latonya

            They said he was sucking “D” in a park in Pittsburg and got arrested but it’s just rumors.

          • Sweet GA Brown

            I watch the show and I cant tell. I never heard the rumors before the show either.

            • DWilson87

              Ppl have been saying he was gay for a while it mostly started after the first bad season he had in Pittsburgh and took off from there the fans really started hating him and just think this was 99/2000 before everyone was on the net to destroy ppl’s lives.

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

        The funny thing about RHOA is that I have NEVER seen it and yet I know exactly what you’re talking about. Lol. That show gets talked about so much online and offline that you really don’t have to see it to know everything that’s going on.

        So, from what I’ve heard, she was on one about being submissive to him and making fun of Kenya because she doesn’t have a man. And, now she’s getting a lot of grief about her supposed divorce because people were put off by her attitude on the show.

        • Latonya

          LOL I thought you watch it, yeah Porsha was talking about Kenya not been married,and her bad attitude. But I’m trippin off the fact that Kordell was done with Porsha and gave her walking papers and said I’m not give you a dime and don’t ask.

          • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

            Well, I guess he figures she’s on RHOA because of her marriage to him so the money she makes from the show is her settlement. Lol.

            • Latonya

              I guess so lol! Kordell is old school with his money cause he file in the state of Georgia so that state is not a community property but Porsha did not sign a prenup.

      • msdebbs

        I know Kenya is somewhere popping bottles and celebrating…

        • Latonya

          LOL But Nene said she is good judge of character.

          • Sweet GA Brown

            I actually felt sorry for Porsha when everybody was going in on her marriage and liked how she defended the way they are with eachother. 2 days ago she was putting out positive statements about their marriage and then he come out with this. SMH.

            The worst thing that happens in relationships is when your peers are right and you were always defending your man.

    • Todd

      I saw that movie. (Yay! I can fit in with the other movie people!) You’re absolutely right that they don’t make movies like that with Black people in it. I loved it, and I could relate. My favorite scene was the one where he was out with this Chinese girl for dinner, and they were imagining their regular old selves as super hot sexual stereotypes. I just about fell out laughing. :)

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

        Yep, that was a funny scene. That whole sequence was funny when he was sitting in the restaurant talking to different women.

        Also, when he danced at the wedding, that was so funny.

    • Brother Mouzone

      I stumbled upon that movie a few years ago, very entertaining and very different from the “typical” Black movie romantic comedy. It was very nuanced, the ANTI-Tyler Perry movie.

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

        Yep, Black rom-coms are usually a big fail. This was one of the best one I’ve ever seen period, Black or White.

        • http://dominicanabanana.wordpress.com Asiyah

          I’m going to watch it over the weekend! Thanks Val! <3

          • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

            Let me know if you liked it. :-)

    • http://twitter.com/SoulaPowa SoulaPowa

      I watched I’m Through With White Girls and liked it so much that I bought it. Very good black movie. That, HavPlenty and Love, $ex, and Eating The Bones are really good highly-slept on flicks I like.

      • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

        Yep, except I’m not sure if HavPlenty falls into the slept on category anymore. I think it has become a cult classic.

      • Marshal

        Love, $ex, and Eating The Bones was the Debut OF Hill Harper, right???

  • http://pinchmycheekie.wordpress.com Cheekie

    This post is right on time because I JUST asked myself this as I went through a pack of mega-rolls way faster than I thought I would and had to return to Target, which is the other Bermuda Triangle.

    • Sweet GA Brown

      Same here. I always buy Angel Soft and its seemed to last but i figured it was past time to upgrade so I got Charmin Ultra whatchamacallit and it doesnt last for nothing. I guess its the brand. Back to Angel Soft I go.

      • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

        I’m loyal to Charmin Basic now. So many brands of toilet paper are thick with all that lint on them.

        • Ms. Bridget

          Some of them will straight clog up your septic system (if you have one).

          • Dignan

            Did you just use the phrase “septic system” as a euphemism?

            • Camilleblu

              Lol….nope…I think she meant an actual septic system….

              • Ms. Bridget

                Yup Camille, I’m talking about real septic systems, attached to your toilet, outside the house. You shouldn’t be putting toilet paper INTO your “personal” septic system…

                • Dignan

                  Ok, just making sure. After some of the crazy shyte I’ve read in the comments today, I’m willing to believe almost anything.

  • nillalatte

    Um… men do the shake it and fake it, whereas, most women do not like the drip dry, air dry method.

    No lie doe… I went to the ladies room at work one day and just happened to be the one who started a new role. These are INDUSTRIAL size rolls. About 2 hours later, I went back to the same stall and it was completely out of toilet paper! I was like WTF?! How does that happen? Thank goodness for those seat covers! Housekeeping came by and she couldn’t believe ALL the toilet paper in the stalls was gone. I told her, “How da hail did someone use that much toilet paper? Did they take a food grater and roll it off so they could take it home?” smdh… the mystery of the toilet paper thief!

    • http://commentarybyvalentina.wordpress.com/ Val

      People definitely do swipe tp. Lol.

      • Latonya

        I thought they just shake. They need to used up $12.00 worth of toilet paper cause some men are just nasty when it come to not wiping.

      • http://www.styleillusions.com WIP

        Yes, I had an ex who would bring homes rolls of toilet paper from his job. Never seen that before.

    • msdebbs

      my moms used to come home from work with those industrial rolls all the time. We never ran out even in a house full girls.

    • Think2Inspire

      I would sneak on my campus like a ninja with my backpack empty. Wait for the janitor to walk away from a cleaned restroom and pounce! Use a hairpin or coin to open the dispenser. Walked out with 2 industrial rolls like a BAWSE.

      In my defense tho, I was a broke ass college student and couldn’t afford food. So in essence I was getting the most out of my college experience.

      • prissychrissy

        I am a former campus toilet paper thief too!!! In my defense I thought toilet paper was covered in those “student fees”

        • Kema

          *Raises hand* I did this too in college.

  • Malik

    They wasteful.

    • Camilleblu

      Lol….ok Malik…when u see a bunch of free-for-all used tampons in your trash, I promise you’ll be beggin somebody to #wrapitup…

      • Malik

        When I was like 14 I lived with 7 women. Been there seen that.

        • Camilleblu

          Well then you’re clearly desensitized b/c that shyt is gross…and rude…I’d be salty as hale if some chick didn’t wrap her shyt up before she dumps it in my trash can…..

      • Rewind

        That’s nothing. Try cleaning public women’s bathrooms.

        You deserve a medal for that shyte.

  • Ani-Q

    We also urinate more and when that time of the month comes things can get messy. Generally, we hate feeling eeky. Thank god for wet wipes! Hygiene down there is first thing girls learn about when they start taking care of themselves. Guys with daughters will understand this when they start potty training and when bath time involve you asking “did you wash properly?”. Toilet paper usage is the least of your worries, a frowsy vagina don’t play.

    • Todd

      As a man with a daughter, oh yeah, I feel ya. It’s amazing what can get caught up there. I’m learning more about women with this toilet training stuff that I ever cared to. :)

      • Marshal

        I have a daughter too and she Doesn’t use a ton of toliet paper…… I can see if Kids just pull down a lot (which they do unless you Show & Teach them to use Moderation), but Yeah, IDK WHY Women use so much.

        I will invest in Toilet Seat Covers, though. Can’t No Guest EVER Assume I don’t clean my Own Bathroom- Self- Sufficiency should be 101 in Living Alone