I am not an expert on toilet paper use or usage. I doubt anyone is, actually. I don’t think there’s much of a demand for “toilet paper use/usage” experts, and, since there’s no demand, I can’t imagine anyone spending enough time studying toilet paper use and usage to become expert at. But, just in case these people do exist, I just want to make it clear that I’m not one of them. Toilet paper use/usage expertiseÂ poseur, I am not.
Anyway, since I am no expert, I’m not sure of what constitutes an “acceptable” amount of toilet paper use. I know how much I tend to use and how often I tend to buy toilet paper, and, assuming I don’t do an abnormal amount of shitting, I’ve crafted my idea of what is normal around that knowledge. I could be wrong, but I’m probably not. I am sure, though, that every single woman I’ve ever been with somehow manages to go through toilet paper like there’s a bacon-wrapped rainbow at the end of each roll.
Originally, I thought this might have just been aÂ coincidence.Â Maybe I just happened to find and date the small percentage of women who go through rolls so quickly it seems like they’re just eating it. Maybe I was buying cheap paper. Maybe I just happened to like chicks who shit a lot. Stumped and saddened, I began asking friends if they noticed the same pattern, hoping that I wasn’t the weird one, the one who somehow ended up dating a perpetual stream of toilet paper Krakens.
I was happy to learn that I’m not alone, that there were other men suffering in silence, fatigued after having to make midnight toilet paper runs to 7-11 even though they’d just purchased eight rolls the weekend before, shamed by the fact that, when in relationships, their bank statements look like the “what wrong with this picture?” page in Highlights Magazine as they’ve had to budget for car payments, rent, student loans, food, and toilet paper, and embarrassed that they had no f*cking clue how or why this happens.
This realization came some time ago. Now, a few years and a couple women later, aside from a couple theories (My favorite? Since women’s asses tend to be bigger than men’s asses, maybe it just takes more toilet paper to do a thorough wipe. If it seems like I’m reaching pretty far, good. Mission accomplished. And pun intended.) I’m stillÂ stumped, and I still have no idea how the hell this happens. I’ve thought about hiding in the shower the next time The Gay Reindeer takes a shit to see first-hand what happens in there, but, um, yeah, no. As much as I want to figure this out, I want to keep the hairs in my nostrils from burning off even more.
So, once and for all, can someone please tell me how the hell do women use so much damn toilet paper? What the hell are they doing in the bathroom that requires them to use 14 sheets per second? Are they eating it? Hoarding it? Making paper macheÂ effigiesÂ of hated co-workers and Keyshia Cole? Is it about some subconscious sexual thing with plumbers?Please, for the love of God, someone let me know.
—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)