The 10 Worst Haircuts In Black Male History » VSB

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The 10 Worst Haircuts In Black Male History

ESPN screenshot

 

Earlier this week, Baron Davis made an appearance on First Take and introduced us all to a new hairstyle. It’s been called a Jheri Curl, but I wouldn’t quite call it that. Mainly because it’s not wet enough. It looks more like a batch of collard greens an aint-shit cousin left on the stove too long when he was on the porch drinking E&J instead of watching them. Let’s just call it The “I don’t know why I invited you over and let you sit on my couch.

Anyway, Davis’s luxurious and glorious hairstyle is most likely the worst haircut on a Black man I’ve seen since 2013. It also got me thinking: Who else is guilty of making an historically bad hair decision that will haunt them and their progeny for eternity? If I were to make a list of famous Black men who very obviously went to their stylist and said “EhFuck it“, who else would make the cut?

The Nino Brown

nino

If there was a hall of fame for historically shitty decisions Black men made with their hair, a late 80s early 90s Wesley Snipes would on the first ballot. And the second ballot. And the third ballot. He’d be on all the ballots.

The Pre-rehab and post-probation Chris Brown 

chris brown

This is why you should always think twice about giving light-skinned Virginia niggas money.

The Pre-Ciara Russell Wilson

Wilson

Just to be clear, I have nothing against interracial dating. Some of my best friends have friends who know people who date White women. But I still think its amusing when certain Black men have certain hair that advertises, in no uncertain terms “Yeah…I don’t really do Black chicks like that.”

The Coolio

coolio

Because he apparently was so shocked he won a Grammy that he decided “electrocution” should be a permanent look.

The Kanye West Shag

kanye shag

No.

The Andrew Bynum

bynum

Fuck no.

The MC Hammer

hammer

It’s easy to forget how popular Hammer was 25 years ago. But, if you ever have any trouble remembering, just look at this picture and remind yourself that kids actually wanted Hammer hair. (And yes, I was one of them.)

That’s how popular he was.

The Robert Griffin III, currently

rg3

Just to be clear, I have nothing against interracial dating. Some of my best friends have friends who know people who date White women. But I still think its amusing when certain Black men have certain hair that advertises, in no uncertain terms “Yeah…I don’t really do Black chicks like that.”

The Lionel Richie

lionel richie

There’s really nothing that can be said about Richie’s hair that hasn’t already been said. He is the Vladimir Putin of Black male bad hair; the Adam Clayton Powell of telling your barber “I want to look a damn fool. Can you make me look a damn fool?” He is the GOAT, both because he has the greatest bad Black male hair of all-time and because I think I’ve actually seen his do on a goat before.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Lesly Washington

    So Jermaine ” My hair is laid with Dudley’s”Jackson is not on here?

    • Lisa Harris

      Excellent question!

    • overandout

      Right? What exactly is living on Jermaine’s head right now? I’m pretty sure it’s alive.

      • Lesly Washington

        His skin and his hair look like burnt bacon.

        • FrankiSideEye

          Why would you put this demon creature on all of our screens? Now I gotta find some holy water…

        • PunchDrunkLove

          Cackling….soooo unprofessional of me. He almost looks Red Indian. Mike went one way and he went the other. I don’t think this was cosmetically induced though. Osmosis, maybe

        • Exactly what brand of shoe polish is that man sporting?

          • Petroleum Jelly…

            • TeeChantel

              More like pomade, spray paint and spackle..

            • It’s so shiny!

        • TeeChantel

          How is your skin tight and wrinkled at the same time?

        • Gigi Sev

          He looks like cheap leather

          • Nick Peters

            Dough Boy?

        • whew.

        • KB

          This is just….I dunno. It’s like going over someone’s house and they have 3 different types and colors of carpet all throughout.

        • Epsilonicus

          Never disrespect bacon like that again lol

        • Jennifer

          That ain’t Dudley’s, friends. That’s shoe polish.

      • Jermaine Jackson’s hair looks like he should have been on “Star Trek: The Next Generation”.

    • PunchDrunkLove

      He should have been top of the list.

  • bigheadbaby

    Ya’ll some triffling MF’s up in here! VSB does not wish me to remain gainfully employed and exhibit #1 in making my case is this post! Just a casual scroll down a page with pics like those above would render most folks incapable of accomplishing a damn thing on the J-O-B! The Coolio broke the camel’s back…whew! At least I will be one tickled negro in the unemployment line….

    • You think that’s bad, you should have seen Murs’ haircut from 2007-2010.

      • Wild Cougar

        This hair is an accomplishment. I respect it. Its sculptural

      • PunchDrunkLove

        You so wrong….I’m disturbing folks with my outbursts of laughter.

      • Lea Thrace

        sir.

      • Kala

        He lent this haircut to The Weekend.

  • Lisa Harris

    I expected Arsenio Hall to be on this list. His hair always annoyed me. And Eddie Murphy had stupid hair for a while. And OMG, poor Coolio!!!!

    • PunchDrunkLove

      If they ever do a post on “gums”, he’d be a shoo in

      • TexasCandace

        Yes, someone please do a gums post!

        • PunchDrunkLove

          Hahahahahaha

      • TeeChantel

        two words: Terrell Suggs.

        • PunchDrunkLove

          LOLOL

    • Cleojonz

      Me too! His head is just so funny shaped. I guess bald is not really an option for him.

  • deviant

    I’m in tears trying to stifle the laughter.

    • PunchDrunkLove

      I didn’t hold back….I hollered…..as soon as I started reading

      • deviant

        That first paragraph alone.

        • PunchDrunkLove

          Yes! I started hollering right around “Jheri curl”

  • TeeChantel

    Ya’ll gonna get me fired. Sh it.
    Oh. Honorable mention goes to this dude:

    http://ts3.mm.bing.net/th?id=JN.2iKRkZRrv8/l9PTSlMCFsw

    • deviant

      No.

      • TeeChantel

        Let him get his shine.
        Whatever is on the top of his head is so damn bad, it’s good.

    • Cleojonz

      This is never not funny. No matter how many times I have seen this photo I holler out loud every.single.time. It’s just a perfect storm of badness.

    • miss t-lee

      Is that a finger wave, baby hair ponytail?!
      I’m so unable right now.

      • TeeChantel

        They look like squiggly lines he drew on with a black permanent marker.

        • miss t-lee

          LOL!!!!

    • tothestars

      This can’t be life…

  • Yellow Tail

    The “Pre-Ciara Russel Wilson” and the “Robert Griffin III, currently” had me rolling! The description is genius.

    • Damon Young

      nntawwt

      • Kala

        I though that picture of Russel Wilson was a screen cap from a Key and Peel sketch for a second.

  • How is Al Sharpton’s perm not on that list?

    Don King neither?

    (As well as that conk they had Terrence Howard sporting in the first episode of Empire?)

    • Damon Young

      the history behind sharpton’s perm kept him off the list. (he kept it so many years as an homage to james brown, who raised him)

      • Ohhh. Well, I learned something new today.

      • I wouldn’t say raise him as much as served as his rich uncle. The thing is that one of James Brown’s sons and Al were friends from way back, and when the son passed, he helped Al blow up.

    • Wild Cougar

      Without the conk, we would have no pimps and without pimps we would have no aint ish ninjas and without aint ish ninjas we wouldn’t have most of you all….

  • DG

    If it were someone other than Baron rocking that curl, it prob wouldn’t be as funny in a lighthearted way (BDavis been a natural fool for years). Anyway, I maintain that Jermaine Jackson still wears the crown, all pun intended (someone put up a pic for me since I can’t at the moment). In his defense, that pic of Lionel is prob 30 yrs old…lots of brothers had bad hair in the ’80s/early ’90s. Jermaine Jackson, on the other hand, is current.

    • miss t-lee

      When I watched Jermaine on Celebrity WifeSwap last year, I couldn’t even focus on the show, because I kept trying to figure out exactly what was on top of his head the entire time.

    • HeyBooHey

      Jermaine Jackson has perfected the art of looking completely plastic but living a full, human life. His coif is literally untouchable and catches the light to perfection – definitely the GOAT

    • Damon Young

      i couldn’t put jermaine jackson on the list in good conscience because he looks too orange to be healthy.

  • God Shammgod

    Shout out to the dusty cornrows trend of the early 2000s.*

    *and present day Bronx

    • Damon Young

      they’re making a comeback in the burgh too.

  • miss t-lee

    The Russell Wilson is the reason my late biracial nephew used to keep his hair in a bald fade.
    That natural curly hair ain’t no punk.

    • Damon Young

      i can imagine it being hard to maintain. (and sorry to hear about your nephew)

      • miss t-lee

        It really was, when he was old enough to decide what he wanted, he was like NOPE.
        and thanks Champie.

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