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The 10 Saltiest, Pettiest Possible Reactions To Serena Losing In The U.S. Open Semifinals

If you’re as salty as I am about Serena losing today, you’re probably looking for appropriately petty things to say to fully express your level of salt. Fortunately, I’ve taken the liberty of creating some. You’re welcome.

1. “If you’re not first, you’re last. So it don’t even matter if this chick beat Serena, cause if she loses in the finals, she’s last just like everyone else.”

2. “Roberta Vinci’s nickname should be Otis. Cause aint no one coming to see her either.”

3. “This is why Serena’s better than Beyonce. Serena lets other chicks win sometimes. Beyonce would have hired Tina to make Roberta an intentionally bad weave so the tracks would have split when she was trying to backhand.”

4. “Yo, this chick won the last two sets. Two is one + one. Today is 9/11. 11 is two ones standing next to each other. And this shit happened in New York! I’m not saying it’s a conspiracy, but I’m just sayin’.”

5. “I’m reading the Forbes list of highest paid athletes. And I see Serena’s name. I see a bunch of names, actually. There’s one name, though, I don’t see. Guess whose name that is?”

6. “I guess this proves #wacklivesmatter too.”

7. “You wasn’t with me shooting in the gym, Roberta. I know that makes absolutely no sense in this context, but since Serena is dating Drake, I thought this would be a good time to insert a Drake line. Because, again, Serena is dating Drake. Who are you dating, Roberta?”

8. “The only Roberta I recognize is Flack. Which is appropriate cause she aint getting none from me.”

9. “The only reason Serena lost was to catch a last minute weekend deal on a villa in Turks and Caicos. When her and Venus were huddling after their match Tuesday, they weren’t congratulating each other. They were making weekend brunch plans.”

10. “Roberta, what’s good?”

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com and EBONY Magazine. And a founding editor for 1839. And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Here We Go

    Very salty.
    #9 made me half smile.
    Just half because they shouldn’t need a price break. Serena should’ve/could’ve withdrawn because they “are above it all.”
    JS

  • Yellow Tail

    I’m still very salty and don’t know what to say. Vinci played a good match and her quickness on the court along with the mix up of her shots got Serena out of rhythm. When all else fails #blamedrake

  • morton

    I blame Drake. #

    • PhlyyPhree

      Everybody is blaming Aubrey. I saw someone call him the Beige Plague and iDIED

    • Here We Go

      Kardashian effect?

      Never rule that out.

    • Drake shoulda just camped out in his hotel room or found a nice sports bar to chill and watch the match.

  • Jennifer

    #2 – Otis is getting a lot of play here this week.

    #4 – too soon.

    #10 – there you go hitting on the cultural zeitgeist

  • #3, Beyonce woulda had Tina make Roberta (Not Flack) some whack House of Dereon tennis skirt set with messed up stitching to distract Roberta (Not Flack).

  • PhlyyPhree

    #6,
    I’ve used it several times already. I feel like its almost Serena-esque in my “I can’t even be bothered to give ya’ll a real response because you’re beneath me”. I actually used “whatev” at one point because I couldn’t be bothered to give up the last syllable

  • Carlisias

    Naw Ya’ll, Serena realized a regular calendar year Grand Slam wasn’t good enough. She’s going for that Golden Slam in 2016.

    • Epsilonicus

      What is the Golden Slam?

      • Bware113

        If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.

      • Carlisias

        All four Grand Slam titles and an Olympic gold medal.

  • Simone-Elise Charles

    Just had to fcuk her before the last match didn’t you Aubrey.

  • Julian Green

    I’m torn between my natural tendency to root for the underdog and my desire to see Serena Williams make sporting history. How vexing…

    • Word. And I’m amazed that Roberta Vinci even was in that situation. She makes her money playing doubles, and the singles tennis game is her side hustle. Plus she’s tiny as f*ck, especially compared to the Eastern European fembots on tour. I have to salute her.

  • Delia

    My women’s finals tickets better sell on StubHub. Salty doesn’t even articulate my inner feelings right now. I mean nothing really makes sense but Aubrey.

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