While on one of those time-wasting and slightly creepy journeys through Facebook the other day—you know, when you click on one status and click on a tagged pic and click on another status and all of a sudden, you’re here—I came across this:
3. Get in shape
We know, we know….we are shallow, misogynistic heathens. But guess what, we are men. We are visual creatures. We know what we like. For most of us sans a small segment of chubby chasers, some of us don’t like the biggens. It is what it is. You can’t realistically be pushing two spins and then wonder why the cute guy on your bus stop with the ripped up arms and flat stomach just doesn’t seem to be into you.
9. Know your role
One of the primary reasons the fellas will put your ass on waivers is because the woman cannot or will not play her position. I don’t mean be submissive or look the other way if he’s being shady. I mean be a friend if he wants a friend, be a great lover if that’s what it is, be a girlfriend if both of you decide that’s the right thing to do. Nothing will get you put into the “f–k buddy” file faster than demanding or taking privileges designed for someone you are not. If you are not his girlfriend, why are you checking his phone or asking where he was last night? You can’t force a man into anything he doesn’t want to do. Earn his trust and admiration before you earn his ire.
…each parts of The Things That Keep A Woman Single — a 10 point list from Chicago-area flame fanner Evan Moore that quite a few of my friends shared on their profiles.
Although reading it felt like I was in a time machine—the piece and the video attached to it felt very October of 2009-ish—I thought Moore made some good points. My only issue was that Moore didn’t do more. (See what I did there?) While well-intentioned, the list was too pandering, too nice, and too thirsty for likes and direct messages.
Me? The only thing I’m thirsty for is the truth, and the only thing I’m nice at is basketball. And while I appreciate Moore’s efforts, here are the 10 real reasons why so many sistas are so damn single.
1. They’re not Zooey Deschanel.
No piece about the laundry list of issues facing this generation of increasingly faulty Black women can begin without acknowledging their biggest problem:
They’re not White women.
If they’re not White women, they can’t be Ellen Page. And if they can’t be Ellen Page, they damn sure can’t be Zooey Deschanel. And, if they can’t be Zooey Deschanel, what educated Black man in his right mind would even bother retweeting her text?
2. They wear too much damn lotion.
More than anything, this proves how silly these “sistas” are. How the hell do they expect a man to catch them if their arms are too slippery to hold on to?
3. At least one of them slept with the barber of Stevie J’s little cousin seven years ago.
Why buy the cow when you can make it rain with free milk tokens?
4. They all voted for Obama.
Who in their right mind would marry a woman dumb enough to vote for a man who was dumb enough to marry a Black woman?
5. Sometimes, when men visit their houses to pick them up for dates, they might answer the door fully-dressed and invite the man inside for a glass of water. While the man is sitting on the couch and drinking water, he might accidentally reach his hand into the couch crevice and land on an old hair curler.
IT’S PROOF THAT SOME OF THESE BLACK BITCHES BE WEARING HAIRCURLERS AND SCARVES AT NIGHT SOMETIMES!
6. They make good men wear condoms.
We know they let Ray-Ray the Milkman and Lil Shitty hit raw indiscriminately. We see their bad-ass kids getting caught stealing tennis balls and Naked Juice in Target, so we know they belong to at least one of them.
But, when they decide to date a good man with a good (pre-paid) legal job who wants to bust some good, hard-earned, God-fearing, nuts inside of them, they all of a sudden want to use protection.
7. While they were flicking channels during a Hannibal commercial break last spring, they caught a few minutes of an episode of Scandal.
You know what “Olivia Pope” rhymes with?
You ever gonna get married? Nope!” and “Bed wench.”
8. They think they’re too good for Chinese men.
They can rock the Chinese man’s nail accessories, do the Chinese man’s yoga, wear the Chinese man’s wigs, and even eat the Chinese man’s Thai food, but somehow they’re too damn good to be the Chinese man’s wife.
9. They love Black men too much.
I mean, have you seen a Black man lately? I have. Shit, I do every time I look in the mirror. I would not marry someone who looks like me. And, if I wouldn’t marry me, how can I trust someone who would?
10. Someone once told them that going to church wasn’t a bad thing to do if you happened to believe in God. So, some of them go to church. Some even join church groups.
And who in their right mind would marry someone with no daddy and a White Jesus?
—Damon Young (aka “The Champ”)