While it goes without saying that there are some legitimately cool and sincere and empathetic White people out there (#notallwhitepeople — shout out to all the “White Mikes” and “White Kims“), there are also some supposedly “cool-ass” and “good” White folks we’d be wise to keep our eyes on; whose pervasive aintshitness is subtle, hidden under a layer of smiles, bean casseroles, invitations to dinner parties, artificial allydom, and even, occasionally, post-dusk fellatio. Maybe they sit in the cubicle behind you. Maybe they’re in the bar, standing right next to you. Shit, maybe they’re in your bed, laying right beside you. Either way, while Get Out did the Lord’s work in shining a spotlight on some of them, there are quite few more that deserve the same attention.
1. The Point-Seeking Progressive
You know the type. Loud as a motorbike about how he “campaigned for Obama” and “Skyped from Ferguson” and “learned how to make curry goat.” Which, admittedly, are all great things. Especially the curry goat. But his actions aren’t sincere, as he only does this to receive the social capital and status that comes with being a woke White dude. Which is revealed once you ignore the name-dropping and the dashikis in his closet and realize that the only reason he’s inviting you to the cookout is to
auction you, er, show you off as his real-life Black friend.
2. Darth Becky With The Good Hair And The Jones For Black Dudes
No need to go in-depth about this type, as they’ve been discussed ad nauseum. We just need to remind the Darth Jamals out there that y’all’s affinity for transparently problematic White chicks is allowing racists to bare and raise y’all children.
3. Mr. Jagermeister
His name is Chad. Or Brad. Or Thad. Or Nad. And you’ll find him at the bar, ordering shot after shot after shot and asking you to take shot after shot after shot with him. “Duuuuuuuude….take a shot!” he says. And it’s funny, and would be even funnier if you weren’t the only Black person there and if his requests weren’t getting progressively more aggressive as he gets progressively more drunk. The “ask” has subtly turned into an order. And you sit back and wonder when this performative magnanimity is going to morph into menace.
4. George Bush
For every manager, supervisor, CEO, and former President of the United States who seems legitimately cool and funny and down-to-Earth until you remember all the fuckshit he did/does and seems to have no regrets about. (But he tells great jokes at parties, tho.)
5. Darth Susan
Will say good morning to you, cheese in your face, offer you some pretzel thins and hummus, ask you about your parents, invite you to lunch, and even show you pictures of her cats at the exact same time her duplicitous ass is typing an email to human resources about the exclamation point you used in an email last week and how it makes her fearful of her safety.
6. The “But What About Me?” Ally
You know how Aristotle believed that the center of the Earth is the center of the universe? And that gravity happens because objects are pulled to their natural place — which is the center of the Earth? Well, for this type of White person, everything that happens in the universe comes back to them. And is about them. And is about how what’s happening is making them feel. They are latte-sipping black holes, pumpkin spice event horizons morphing space and transmuting time to fit everything in their centers.
7. The Good Neighbor With The Shitty Politics
Maybe he lives on your block. Or maybe you see her at the same coffee shop every week. Either way, they’re a legitimately kind and nice person; someone you look forward to seeing and actually miss when they’re not there. And then, one day when you’re walking the dog, you saunter over to them to talk about what happened on Big Little Lies last night and maybe even tell them about the bomb-ass tulips you saw yesterday morning, and you catch them in a MAGA hat. And now you’re tempted to sic your dog on their fucking face.
8. The Performatively Oblivious Perpetual Overstepper
Seems to take manifest destiny as their own personal edict, as they use “friendship” and curiosity as invitations to touch hair and skin, ask waaaaaaaay too forward questions, and even wonder aloud why they can’t say nigga. Nothing is off-limits or sacrosanct, because they never believe themselves to be guests, anywhere.
9. The “Only College” Sports Fan
Is great to hang out with, watch games with, and have heated debates about your favorite teams with. You’re especially excited about seeing him this week, as you know you’ll have a ton of fun talking about March Madness together. And everything is great as long as the conversation stays strictly about college sports. Because once you bring up pro sports — the NBA in particular — all of the coded language starts to come out. The “inmates run the asylum up there” he says, and the players are “lazy” and don’t care. And then, of course, “What about Chicago and black-on-black crime?” is right around the corner.
(And, if you really want to see how his mind really works, ask him whether college athletes should get paid. That should be fun.)
10. The Self-Flagellating And Lazy Liberal
Won’t actually do any social justice work in their own lives and won’t actually examine themselves to see how they contribute to and take advantage of bias and privilege, but will definitely share the shit out of piece from The Atlantic about racism on their social media platforms; ultimately believing that feeling really, really, really, really, really bad about racism is enough to replace actually doing something about it.