The 10 Most Dangerous Types Of Supposedly “Cool” White People » VSB

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The 10 Most Dangerous Types Of Supposedly “Cool” White People

While it goes without saying that there are some legitimately cool and sincere and empathetic White people out there (#notallwhitepeople — shout out to all the “White Mikes” and “White Kims“), there are also some supposedly “cool-ass” and “good” White folks we’d be wise to keep our eyes on; whose pervasive aintshitness is subtle, hidden under a layer of smiles, bean casseroles, invitations to dinner parties, artificial allydom, and even, occasionally, post-dusk fellatio. Maybe they sit in the cubicle behind you. Maybe they’re in the bar, standing right next to you. Shit, maybe they’re in your bed, laying right beside you. Either way, while Get Out did the Lord’s work in shining a spotlight on some of them, there are quite few more that deserve the same attention.

1. The Point-Seeking Progressive

You know the type. Loud as a motorbike about how he “campaigned for Obama” and “Skyped from Ferguson” and “learned how to make curry goat.” Which, admittedly, are all great things. Especially the curry goat. But his actions aren’t sincere, as he only does this to receive the social capital and status that comes with being a woke White dude. Which is revealed once you ignore the name-dropping and the dashikis in his closet and realize that the only reason he’s inviting you to the cookout is to auction you, er, show you off as his real-life Black friend.

2. Darth Becky With The Good Hair And The Jones For Black Dudes

No need to go in-depth about this type, as they’ve been discussed ad nauseum. We just need to remind the Darth Jamals out there that y’all’s affinity for transparently problematic White chicks is allowing racists to bare and raise y’all children.

3. Mr. Jagermeister

His name is Chad. Or Brad. Or Thad. Or Nad. And you’ll find him at the bar, ordering shot after shot after shot and asking you to take shot after shot after shot with him. “Duuuuuuuude….take a shot!” he says. And it’s funny, and would be even funnier if you weren’t the only Black person there and if his requests weren’t getting progressively more aggressive as he gets progressively more drunk. The “ask” has subtly turned into an order. And you sit back and wonder when this performative magnanimity is going to morph into menace.

4. George Bush

For every manager, supervisor, CEO, and former President of the United States who seems legitimately cool and funny and down-to-Earth until you remember all the fuckshit he did/does and seems to have no regrets about. (But he tells great jokes at parties, tho.)

5. Darth Susan

Will say good morning to you, cheese in your face, offer you some pretzel thins and hummus, ask you about your parents, invite you to lunch, and even show you pictures of her cats at the exact same time her duplicitous ass is typing an email to human resources about the exclamation point you used in an email last week and how it makes her fearful of her safety.

6. The “But What About Me?” Ally

You know how Aristotle believed that the center of the Earth is the center of the universe? And that gravity happens because objects are pulled to their natural place — which is the center of the Earth? Well, for this type of White person, everything that happens in the universe comes back to them. And is about them. And is about how what’s happening is making them feel. They are latte-sipping black holes, pumpkin spice event horizons morphing space and transmuting time to fit everything in their centers.

7. The Good Neighbor With The Shitty Politics

Maybe he lives on your block. Or maybe you see her at the same coffee shop every week. Either way, they’re a legitimately kind and nice person; someone you look forward to seeing and actually miss when they’re not there. And then, one day when you’re walking the dog, you saunter over to them to talk about what happened on Big Little Lies last night and maybe even tell them about the bomb-ass tulips you saw yesterday morning, and you catch them in a MAGA hat. And now you’re tempted to sic your dog on their fucking face.

8.  The Performatively Oblivious Perpetual Overstepper

Seems to take manifest destiny as their own personal edict, as they use “friendship” and curiosity as invitations to touch hair and skin, ask waaaaaaaay too forward questions, and even wonder aloud why they can’t say nigga. Nothing is off-limits or sacrosanct, because they never believe themselves to be guests, anywhere.

9. The “Only College” Sports Fan

Is great to hang out with, watch games with, and have heated debates about your favorite teams with. You’re especially excited about seeing him this week, as you know you’ll have a ton of fun talking about March Madness together. And everything is great as long as the conversation stays strictly about college sports. Because once you bring up pro sports — the NBA in particular — all of the coded language starts to come out. The “inmates run the asylum up there” he says, and the players are “lazy” and don’t care. And then, of course, “What about Chicago and black-on-black crime?” is right around the corner.

(And, if you really want to see how his mind really works, ask him whether college athletes should get paid. That should be fun.)

10. The Self-Flagellating And Lazy Liberal

Won’t actually do any social justice work in their own lives and won’t actually examine themselves to see how they contribute to and take advantage of bias and privilege, but will definitely share the shit out of piece from The Atlantic about racism on their social media platforms; ultimately believing that feeling really, really, really, really, really bad about racism is enough to replace actually doing something about it.

Damon Young

Damon Young is the editor-in-chief of VSB. He is also a columnist for GQ.com And he's working on a book of essays to be published by Ecco (HarperCollins). Damon is busy. He lives in Pittsburgh, and he really likes pancakes. Reach him at damon@verysmartbrothas.com. Or don't. Whatever.

  • Sigma_Since 93
  • Number 1- takes the cake! I mean they will Rachel Dolezal the ENTIRE shyt out of your black experience.

    #6 They will “Umar Johnson is related to Frederick Douglass” their alliances with us. Because you know they were abolitionists and quakers in a former life… they will even move right next to the hood because they believe in us so much. They will become teachers and give our kids treats like Scooby Snacks and then tell us that they helped us… when they just did their jobs.

    Naw B.
    Fuckem six ways to Sunday.

    • PriceIsRightHorns

      Scooby Snacks took me out on this fine Tuesday.

      • Lea Thrace

        is there an open plot somewhere near yours cause she clean took me out with that one too!

        • PriceIsRightHorns

          LMAO

    • Mary Burrell

      I approve this message.

    • La Bandita

      One wyte guy gave 10 dollars to feed the hungry and got around of applause. He never stops bringing it up at gatherings.

    • Mochasister

      Three day old, stale, and musty Scooby snacks at that. And then get an attitude when you don’t want to eat them.

  • Miles

    Wow never been first before! I’ve worked with and for like a half dozen number fives (AT THE SAME TIME). Every black male eventually had some sort of issue or accusation levied against them no matter how long they were there and how exemplary the work. It got so bad a colleague of mine actually literally exclaimed walking out of our supervisor’s office “THIS IS NOT A COTTON FIELD!’

  • Other_guy13

    OG has thoughts and he cares to share

    A. I never understood why people voted for George W. Yea…he seemed cool…but he was pretty clueless. Would have made a great sports owner…oh wait….he was one.
    B. How do you only like college sports? These are kids…it’s like caring about high school sports to me. These kids are not that invested…why are you?
    C. I don’t talk to my neighbor unless they in my parking spot…..I couldn’t care less about their politics.
    D. Darth anyone is dangerous….and if she only dates black guys that’s a red flag.

    • Ask them if they think college athlete should be paid and watch them turn red with anger

      • Other_guy13

        Right….but they never tried to live off those stipends though. My Freshman year was h3ll because I was red-shirt walk on…Thank God for care packages from mom and having great teammates.

        • Sigma_Since 93

          Or when you get punished for taking an improper gift when all that happened was ol gurl from Burger King put an extra burger in your bag,

          • Other_guy13

            Man…I got in trouble for having a valet job at night just to pay my cell phone bill…F the NCAA

            • Sigma_Since 93

              What year was this??? I thought the NCAA amended the rules so you could have a part time job.

              • Other_guy13

                2004

        • OweMeOne Kenobi

          I had to meet with the NCAA 3 times because my girlfriend worked at Pizza Hut and let me and my teammates have the pizzas that weren’t picked up, delivered, or were made wrong. My roommate had to sit out a game when his professor “loaned” him a suit so he could attend his uncles funeral. Fuck the NCAA.

          • Other_guy13

            They have no soul at the NCAA…they just corporate pimps in my eyes

            • OweMeOne Kenobi

              Gorilla pimps at that

      • pls

        Explain this to me. Is the gotcha here that there are 2520s rooting for college sports because it has more 2520 players than NBA? Paying them is bad because, why? Help me on this tuesday!

        • OweMeOne Kenobi

          It’s mostly because they don’t think college athletes, in major sports (who tend to be mostly black) don’t deserve to be paid for the millions they make for a university. They usually use the “you’re paid with an education” bullshit but ignore all the financial disparities among other things the athletes deal with on a daily basis. Basically, they want us to stay being field hands. Google “should college athletes be paid” and read any comments on it and you’ll see it.

        • Ms.Moon

          John Oliver did a piece on it:

          • pls

            link didn’t work. what was it called?

            • Ms.Moon

              I fixed the link.

    • Tam

      Well ppl voted for 45 and call him honest

    • Sigma_Since 93

      “A. I never understood why people voted for George W. Yea…he seemed cool…but he was pretty clueless.”

      He was the perfect individual to be the mouthpiece for a hidden agenda…..similar to the guy that’s in office now.

    • Kylroy

      On A: he was a really bad team owner, too.

      • Other_guy13

        Well…he was a screw up all around then.

      • La Bandita

        He had a D+ average and got into Yale, because his dad went.

  • BatmansExWife

    #1, 3, and 10 sounds like the majority of people here in Central Fl.

  • Jennifer

    My #7 associate is also a #9, but our topic is independent movies and docs. He’s the one who told me “13th” didn’t accomplish what it set out to do. He felt that if someone ended up in prison, they probably did something to deserve it. After I lectured him on the prison industrial complex and unfair sentencing laws, I decided I got no pleasure out of talking to him.

    I haven’t spoken to him in a month.

    • Other_guy13

      13th changed my life tho

      • MAN!

      • MrsRivera

        Then you should also see the house we live in. That’s a good one too although I like 13th better.

      • TheUnsungStoryteller

        MY WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE, bro. That ish is messed up. “Law and Order” my —–

    • Skegeeaces

      Like, did he even f**king watch “13”?!

      • Other_guy13

        Couldn’t have….maybe he was talking about Friday the 13th

        • Skegeeaces

          ::Scream laugh:: Not Jason!!

        • TheUnsungStoryteller

          Right! Because clearly you were not watching the same movie.

    • Hugh Akston

      Those folks don’t care until it hits them in the face

      The evidence is out there but again they’ll turn a blind eye

      https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kids_for_cash_scandal

    • LMNOP

      If you had to lecture him on this, I wonder did he actually even SEE 13th before spouting off about what it didn’t accomplish?

      • “M”

        This. Because wypipo WILL come out the side of their necks not having read the book, seen the movie, skimmed the article …

        :-/

    • “M”

      “He’s the one who told me “13th” didn’t accomplish what it set out to do.”

      I dare him to write Ava a letter and tell her so.

      Like he’s Gene Shalit reincarnated. Puh-lease.

  • Tam

    Self same people who will create problems and then feign ignorance and remind you that they will e-fight for you
    #safetypin

    • Wild Cougar

      Ooh! And they will hound you until they get their not a racist card stamp from you. If you simply refuse to recognize their ally bona fides you will see the mask come off and the red faced enraged racist come out like Jeckyll Hyde. Try it. Refuse to pat them on the head and tell them they are one of the good ones and watch the fireworks.

  • Glo

    Rose.

  • Skegeeaces

    “They are latte-sipping black holes, event horizons morphing space and transmuting time to fit everything in their centers.”

    I had a girl in my circle like that I had to cut loose. She was a big LBGTQ advocate, too, so she should REALLY have known better than to try to use Black oppression against me in a “play argument” about body shaming, talmbout, “Well, what if someone said XYZ things about BLACK PEOPLE?!”.

    Biiiiiiiihhhhhhhh….

  • KWhoa

    This is list is extremely on point. I know people who fits every single category.

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