The 10 Commandments Of The One Night Stand » VSB

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The 10 Commandments Of The One Night Stand

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10. Make sure you’re on the same page

One of the trickiest things about one-time flings is selecting a partner who understands and knows what it is. There’s nothing worse than thinking you had a mysterious night of passion and romance, and having that thirsty nigga show up at your job with flowers the next day, talmbout “can we go out to lunch?

Shit.

Keshia from accounting is buying Chipotle today, and now you gonna miss a free meal because this nigga is all in his feelings. Make sure all parties are on point beforehand, before you’re stuck at a cafe with someone you thought you’d never speak to again listening to him tell you how he “really felt something, and the heart doesn’t lie.

9. Do not share any extra information

There’s no sense in discussing what side of town you live on, or sharing pictures of your kids if all we’re going to do is fuck like jaguars in the Amazon. The only thing I need to know is pertinent medical information in case you slip into an epileptic seizure, and I’m patting myself on the back for thinking I gave you a strong orgasm, like “Damn, this chick is still coming.”

Let me know about that. Otherwise, I don’t care what sorority you pledged in college or how you take your coffee. You better take this dick

8. Know the rules of contact

Remember, this is a one night stand. The rules of dating etiquette do not apply here, but you should still be polite. When your tryst is finished, you do not have to walk to the car with the other person, but at the very least you should wrap your naked body up in the one sheet that doesn’t have the wet spot and accompany your fling to the door for the awkward half-hug that officially ends the end of fuck festivities. And make sure you reply to the “I made it home” text — even if you are still in the bed watching a lame lifetime movie. Even if you are watching Sportscenter trying to see how many points Stephon put up tonight. Even if you don’t give a fuck. It’s only right.

7. Bring your own protection

You can’t count on a one-night-stand to bring the condoms. Swing by CVS and get the 3-pack of Trojans, a keep them close to the bed. There’s nothing worse than getting down to the nitty gritty and having to turn on the light for to look for the rubbers. You might see something you don’t wanna see, like why does this dude have stretch marks on his thighs, or why does she have “Jamaal” tattooed on her left titty? Is that her son’s name? Is it her baby daddy who’s doing a bid up north? See, if you would’ve plopped those prophylactics on the bedstand you wouldn’t have second thoughts a mild case of the heebie jeebies right now.

6. Men, wash your nether regions

Most women know the hygiene protocol for late-night-lovemaking, but for some reason, some men think their balls can remain springtime fresh even after a second shift duty at the steel mill. A good shower might prevent your mate from going into diabetic shock from sucking on salty balls because you were over-confident about the situation in your britches. And no, cologne is not a detergent. The scent of sweaty nuts is not negated by Cool Water.

5. Let your sexual inhibitions go

What good is a one night stand if you are still restrained about your sexual hangups? This is not a time to be shy. You should be trying to fulfill unrequited sexual fantasies of the shit you’ve always wanted to do, but were too shy to try. The next day you should be a little sore and you should have to brush your teeth three times before kissing your kids. A one night stand is like playing in the Super Bowl or being in a rap battle – lose your self in the moment. You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow.

4. Do not double back

If you had a successful one-night stand and you want to do it again, please remember: It’s called a one night stand. Trying to recreate one is like trying to make your grandmama’s macaroni and cheese just because she gave you the recipe. You can have all the ingredients, but all you end up with is soggy, limp noodles and a sour taste in your mouth. That’s how disappointment tastes. And salty balls.

3. Do not have too much fun

Some things should stay in the fantasyland inside your head. If you like golden showers, crossdressing or anything that involves your pet – keep that shit to yourself. Try new things with longtime partners you have a trust space with. You can cause another person serious trauma asking them to stand in the bathroom and watch you take a number two. A great rule of thumb is: If you’ve seen a sexual act performed on a porn site, and one of the people were not English-speaking, don’t ask your fling to try it. If it hasn’t trickled down into the sexual lexicon of regular white people, I doubt Lamont wants to experiment with it. He saw your booty in that skirt in the parking lot one day and just wanted to holla – he wasn’t trying to pioneer a new pussy frontier or drive home wondering if he’s gay now.

2. Don’t tell anyone

Part of the beauty of having a one night stand is having an illicit secret inside no one knows. Men, this is not fodder for your homeboys, and women, some shit your bestie shouldn’t know. The only time a one night stand should ever be brought up in your mental rolodex is when you want to masturbate, or when you are getting saved. You can repent, but only to Jesus, not to your BFF.

1. Never bring it up again

If you’re at the club, at work, or in line at Target, and you run into the person with whom you’ve had a one night stand — you “bet not” say a word! Act like you’ve never met the person before. If the other person is unaware of the rules and brings it up, stare blankly into their eyes like you don’t know what the hell they’re talking about. If they are adamant that you know them, ask if he was a member of your now-defunct book club or maybe she was on the usher board at your previous church. That’s the beauty of a one night stand — it is like actually living out a dream. Make them think it must have been a dream

That’s it. If you follow these rules, you’ll be more than prepared to conduct yourself well during your one-time tryst. Remember, one night stands are meant to be sparse, infrequent occasions. If you use this guide as a manual for managing your regular sex life, you’re not having one night stands –

You’re nasty.

Filed Under:
Michael Harriot

Michael Harriot is a podcaster, spoken word poet, editor of the daily digital magazine NegusWhoRead.com and one of the greatest peanut butter and jelly sandwich makers of our time.

  • FIRST!!! HA! Now let me read!

    • Sigma_Since 93

      Yes……You finishing first is a good thing…….*stops stirring up the pot and goes back to work*

      • KMN

        stop it…sit down…or no more Alagas for you (no I didn’t forget…I was having some not so good side effects from my surgery…I got you…be looking out next week…)

        • Sigma_Since 93

          Why didn’t you say something???? Could have sent the homie a care package. I hope you are well.

          • KMN

            ain’t that sweet…I appreciate it…I’m a stubborn Virgo…I takes care of self lmao. But I’m good now..and I can go out and ship some sugary diabetic goodness to you lol

      • TeeChantel

        So bad.

        • Sigma_Since 93

          It’s all I have left!!! lol

      • Well dayum! *clutches my pearls*

        Fresh Fridays- it tis! lol

  • GLAMCAM

    “A one night stand is like playing in the Super Bowl or being in a rap battle – lose your self in the moment. You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow.” Yes! Do it, enjoy it, and forget about it! Reminds me of the early 2000s. Ahhh, memories.

  • TeeChantel

    Let me say this in the most admiring and respectful way possible; you have a nice bald head, Mr. Harriot.

  • “Let me know about that. Otherwise, I don’t care what sorority you pledged in college or how you take your coffee. You better take this dyck”

    You, sir, are ignant.

    #6 is REAL- one of the reasons why I married my husband was because he was EXTRA vigilant about his nether region! Yum!

    https://a.disquscdn.com/get?url=https%3A%2F%2Fimages.rapgenius.com%2F42c7e2cdd3097e61cc1727233da10ae6.268x284x31.gif&key=DMO_MfO7uhx6yoKC9Q4r1w&w=800&h=284

  • “The scent of sweaty nuts is not negated by Cool Water.” LMAO call it… time of death 12:26pm

    • KMN

      call mine right along with you because I LOLed when I read that like wha bih?? LMAO

      • in other news…why are men so cavalier about their ball care tho? Like >_> no sir…absolutely NOT…and don’t even get me started on the uncuts >_> WHAT is happening in there sir?

        • KMN

          if your balls smell like bad decisions and spoilt milk I cannot CAN.NOT. with you lol

          • TeeChantel

            LOL. That’s why I will always ask my dude when was the last time you’ve washed your balls. I am not ashamed. It’s been longer than an hour? Oh no. I don’t mind us taking a shower together, just as long as I know your balls are clean. Can’t expect me to spend time down there if you ain’t fresh.

            • Sigma_Since 93

              *Puts on TP’s Turn Off The Lights for @TianaChantel:disqus *

              • TeeChantel

                Here YOU go…. LOL.

            • KMN

              yes if you can’t shower I can’t please you…I mean I don’t need to be gagging while I’m slobbing…get it together man!!

    • Sigma_Since 93

      Can we also add spraying your body with that VS body spray. No man want to lick / suck on you when you taste like sour tartness. To be clear, please use that Summer’s Eve wipe joint bout do not hop in the bathroom and goto spraying with what you have in your purse.

      Sincerely,

      Sigma_Since93

      • NO. Let’s all just take a shower and leave it at that. When I KNOW I’m getting some, I never put on perfume…I have been on the unfortunate end of getting perfume in my mouth…it’s awful. No one likes it. Just wash up and put on the minimal amount of lotion to not look a dusty mess.

        • Sigma_Since 93

          Question. Would you shower if you were at his spot and it was a one night stand or would you bird bath the essential parts?

          • *scrunchie face* I don’t trust most men’s bathrooms…so that would have to be a no on the shower. I can only imagine a one night stand after like some kind of clubbish (even tho i rarely indulge) or party type event…so I’ll probably still be pretty fresh from getting gussied up to go out…fingers crossed that gets the job done…I’ve been known to decline head due to feeling less than confident in the amount of time that has passed since my last shower. “oh…nah you good…skip that tonight”

            • Pinks

              I’ve purposely not danced hard at the club because I knew I was going to be petty, ignore that other boy’s text, and have dude pick me up from said club so I could pretend to be hurt and get some of that good ole sympathy peen.

              i really wasn’t sh.t back in the day man.

  • I can’t imagine involving Venom in my sexytime activities…he’s an innocent little kitty

    • QuirlyGirly

      Your kitty’s name is Venom. Can’t be innocent with a name like Venom. LOL

      • Sigma_Since 93

        Sounds like a closet freak to me…..

        • Sounds like a cat with a face tattoo.

          • LMAO I named him Venom because of the white patch on his chest…when he was a baby he reminded me of Venom from Spiderman.

            • That’s actually pretty dope.

      • He’s an innocent little kitty tho…look at that face

        • This cat’s posing!

          • LOL I think he knows what cameras are…

            • Clearly! Talking about some, “Get my good side.”

        • QuirlyGirly

          OMG- I used to have a tuxedo cat who had the same patch of white on the chest. but my cat was a girl. He is cute but he doesn’t look so innocent.

          • LMAO he’s got a pretty cool temperament.

  • WhitDF

    um this was great!

  • PhlyyPhree

    “You can repent, but only to Jesus, not to your BFF.”

    Also me. You can always tell me and Jesus.

  • uNk

    “or how you take your coffee. You better take this d!ck”
    LMAO cutting up bro…cutting up

    #6 I cant remember which VSB it was that thought this was ok….but as your fellow VSB this one is for you bro

    and as for #1…this why Im not trying to tell anymore stories in here lol just trying to uphold to the Commandments

    • You can share with us. We’re just random internet Negroes.

  • black-a-rican

    “You can’t count on a one-night-stand to bring the condoms.”

    That’s why I keep some in my nightstand, coffee table, center console of my car, glove box, and my boy’s glove box, in case I don’t drive.

    http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/d0/d032ac81bf8ed4aa6c1838e6f984375348cb840f34967b9c7e57e4d2eb3d3d2d.jpg

    • I thought I was the only one who did center console prophylactics…

      • black-a-rican

        Nope. Two things I keep there, my sidearm, and my anti-baby makers.

    • KMN

      YES!! I had my ex get mad at me because I had some…fewl listen I am NOT trying to have no babies and I’m not completely confident of your fidelity. BUT you lay good pipe so…yeah :-|

      • miss t-lee

        Mad because you had some? Chile…

        • KMN

          girl yes…he was a fool right..

          • miss t-lee

            Man please. Be mad.
            If you stay ready, you ain’t gotta get ready.

            • KMN

              preach sista miss-t-lee ~waves MLK fan~

              • miss t-lee

                That’s the one thing I tell all my younger peoples. Shidd, don’t get caught unprepared. That’s how mistakes happen.

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